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The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Thanksgiving,
November 24th, 2016


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJsTB-yB-uk


I have a lot to be thankful for tonight. I'm thankful for the fact that I still have all of these great friends of mine who I still consider to be my family, even moreso than my own family. And believe this or not, but I'm also thankful for them just as much. By proxy however and don't even try to think of what it was that you all did, but knowing you all have been there for me when it mattered is more than enough. As I've no doubt said it in the past, that just by knowing you've been there is all that I can ask for.

I'm also thankful for my parents, knowing that despite they've been living apart for all of these years, they still love each other even with their inconsistencies and their dislikes of what the other does. I'm not gonna sit here and say they've been the perfect parents and all that, but even then, you can't pick and choose your family. You're basically born into it, whether you like it or not.

I'm also thankful for my cousins, my aunts, my uncles and thankful for the fact that for 31 years and counting, I've been thankful for waking up each and every single day of my life knowing I am still amongst every single one of you. I count my blessings each and every time I take a breath knowing this fact. I'm thankful for the fact that I am still capable of taking one step after the other, even if the pain is incredible in doing so. Had it not been for the capable efforts of a one Dr. John Handlesman, I probably would be in a wheelchair right now.

I'm also thankful for everything that I've acheived in this lifetime, both large and small. My high school graduation, my MTTI graduation, getting parts in plays, working with some of the most talented people that I would eventually become friends with on YouTube, I'm thankful for all of that and then some. I'm even thankful for the first person who would bring me here about eight years ago, the former admin of this website by the name of prettylyksin.

I'm also thankful for everybody here, all members I've either RP'ed with in the past and current people I've either shot the shit with and RP'ed with too. You're all awesome.

And last but certainly not least, I thank you, the reader for perusing my thoughts and adding our own input. I don't mind if you do or not. It tells me there are some of you out there who want to know what it is I'm thinking. I appreciate that very much.

And now, I plan on spending my Thanksgiving relaxing and enjoying my time. I'll see you guys next time.
 
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Monday Night,
December 26th, 2016

Welp. I find myself backed up against a wall once more. And I have no idea if I'm going to crack under the pressure, force myself to walk away or keep going forward.

From the looks of things, one of a few things are going to happen. One, either we gAll thrown out of this apartment. Two, we lose what's in our storage. Three, the lights go out. And four which is increasingly more likely, we lose the internet.

For how long? I don't know. But when I get asked if I can let someone use my laptop for some reason and they can't get to Facebook, I don't want to hear it.

All I do know is this. I got something lined up between now and New Year's, and I am hoping it all goes well, even if it means I gotta beg, borrow and steal to do it. Well, not so much of the whole stealing thing, what choices do I have at this moment?

Answer: I have no choice. Whether I like it or not, it means people are going to be seeing less and less of me until I can get everything straightened out once and for all.

Will I need help along the way? No, I won't. I've apparently asked for too many favors and got jack shit for it in return or got an attitude about it. So now, it's all up to me to do something about this. It always has and it always will be, so why should this be any different?

But for right now... There's nothing I can do... But it won't be this way forever. I am certain of this. In the meantime, I'm gonna head out for now. Besides, I got quite a bit of soul searching to do between now and then.

See you guys - hopefully - soon.
 
New Year's Day,
January 1st, 2017

You know, when I think back to everything that happened about 12 months ago on this here very day, I think to myself that I'm ever so glad that it never happened to any of you. I'm glad for the fact that you don't have to wake up every morning that you don't have to wake up knowing if you're going to eat today. I'm glad you wake up in a nice warm home, that's up to date and up to code, I'm glad you all know where it is you go home to after pulling a big shift at work, I'm just happy for you that you never have to go through things like this.

I'm also happy that you don't have to essentially babysit a 61-year-old relative that has the patience of a five-year-old and even when you attempt to correct her - not in a rebuking manner, mind you - only guilt trips you. That's the one thing I can live without, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

I'm also happy for the fact that you can still rely on family members who'll be there for you every step of the way, no matter the cost, no matter what favors you owe them, I'm just happy you just got someone in general.

This whole past year? Heh. Once again, I was proven that you can't rely on family to help you for anything. It always has to fall on you in order to get shit done. So you know something? This year is in fact going to be that, a year where I will not reach out to anyone for help. I will instead just forge my own path come hell or high water. If something were to happen along the way, well fuck it, that's on me I guess.

But that's been the thing for the longest time. It's always fallen on me. Sometimes, people seem to look at me and they get this idea in their heads that "Well this guy's not doing anything to help and blah-blah-blah" when you really have to question the legitimacy of their claims, especially when they've barely even lifted a finger themselves while you've done everything it is in your power in order to - you know - help out. Or even if they do lift said finger, it's all they'll offer and that's it.

You can see where this is going, I hope.

But you know something, folks? At the end of the day, I can safely say that none of that matters now. Certainly not to me, nor do I think that should matter to any of you. The one and only thing that will matter is that those people are going to be seeing an awful lot less of me in this year and when they start to fall on hard times and they start coming around asking me for help? I'm going to remember what happened on October 2014 before looking at them dead in the eye and say to them these simple words.

"Where the fuck were you?"

After that, I shut the door in their face and walk away. Sure, it would only make me no better than them but in a contextual sense it would be justifiable since on that particular day, it was the one day where the raw deal began and I know what you'll say, people, so bear with me on this. I know that you'll probably say that you've had it worse and you know something, you're right about that. Perhaps you've lived in absolute squalor after you got hit by Hurricane Matthew and had to deal with some of the most unseemly types of vermin this planet has yet to offer. Perhaps you too had to sleep outside of a nursing home for a night because your sibling needed some "private time" with their loved one. Perhaps, you too had to deal with the fact that out of every single family member, there are few of them who actually care more than enough about your own personal well being, only to then turn around and think that you don't even exist once the chips are down.

But hey, that's just my opinion.

I admit to the fact that I've had to rely on quite the number of people, however limited there were as of 2016. What I'm saying here is that this year? No more. I've had it. And now, I choose to go my own way and whoever gets in that way is only getting pushed out of it.

Let's hope this is for the best as a new day - no, a new year - begins today.
 
Tuesday Night,
January 17th, 2017

Well, this certainly took me a while to get back, but at least you guys know I'm still alive, right?

Anyways, I might as well get to the point here. If you followed me on Facebook, you might have gotten the memo that I started work as of fairly recently. Where? At my local Stop & Shop here in Woonsocket. Pay's pretty good, too. Of course, they're gonna fuck me up the ass for union dues and shit like that, but at this point in time, I couldn't give a rat's ass. As long as I know full well that I'll be getting paid for working my ass off like all I've wanted to do for all of 2016 on back to about late 2012 to early 2013, then I can sleep better at night knowing that once again, I'm doing something that not many in my position would do.

But on top of this, I said it once on my page and now, I'll say it here. I got shit to do and favors I gotta pay back. But whatI will say, however, is that this is one of those times where I feel as though that I have to question some people's eating habits. Like who in their right mind fucking walks out of the store with at least $300, maybe even $400 worth of shit? I mean, I understand stocking up, but then there's stocking up if in the event of an Act Of God, a zombie apocalypse, a flood and a fucking worldwide blackout due to an EMP blast.

I know all I'm doing is just asking stupid questions here, but there are times when you have to look at yourself really critically and think about this from time to time. But hey, that's about all I can really say on the matter.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well get going for now. I just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I'm still not dead. Just really busy. And shit like that.

'Til next time.
 
I actually do have a Discord account. It's BlisteredBlood#2527. So. Like. Fucking. Add me on there if you feel like stalking me so much. :p
 
Friday Afternoon,
February 17th, 2017

Welp. I can scratch off a few worries. For one thing, I can forget about getting my HP laptop out of hock and I can also forget about counting on my brother for anything. But that's the negatives. The positive is that I can breathe a little easier since I had to pay off my mother's storage. Sure, it took me both of my paychecks to do it, but would I do it again if given the chance? You bet your fucking ass I would.

I did everything I could and then some. And even then, what do I get in return? Nothing, because I refuse to ask for anything. This mindest might seem like a bit of a double edged sword, but I assure you that it's not without reason.

What I have given in the time that I've been out here is more than enough to warrant some degree of gratitude, but do I get thanked for any of it? Not entirely. But hey, at this point in time, I don't have time to go looking for it. I got too much riding on this still.

I'd go into detail, but not right now. I'm looking to get going in about a half hour. Maybe I'll add something more when I get back into town, because there's only so much I can explain.

Talk to you all soon.
 
President's Day on Monday Evening,
February 20th, 2017

Hohkay. So now I'm back to put together a thought.

You might recall when I said that I had lost my HP laptop. Well, that's true. I was late by about a month in getting it back. That was my fault that I hadn't been keeping an eye on it when I should have. But then this was also attributed to the fact that I was busy working, so I didn't have time to get over there and made a payment on that. But what I did do was save our things from being auctioned off at U-Haul. I had to make that decision. That was on me. But you know, when I think about it now, what could I have done? No one else was gonna do it. Once again, it was on me.

Do I feel good about it? Yeah. As much as I would've loved to have saved everything and be all hunky dory about it, that was not the case. But again. That's just me being...

Sour.

But again. What choices did I have to make? What would anyone else have done? What could you do? I know I couldn't ask any of you and perhaps you can attribute it towards foolish pride and I can say that you're right.

You are honestly, undoubtedly, and unequivocally 100% Honest To God right.

I tried to do too much in a short amount of time and as such, it bit me right square in the ass. Both asscheeks. Dog. Teeth. BITE. BITE.

Heh.

But I know one thing. I got beaten this time. But the most I can do as of now is to dust this off, pick myself up off the ground and keep pushing forward once more. And when I'm in a much better position, you bet your fucking ass I will be even better than I am now. I'll have what I lost back and it'll be even better than before and you can take that to the bank.

But for now... Right now... I have more important things to get done. I just need to do them in the right order and then from there, I can put money aside for what I would like. Might take me some time, but there you have it.

I also alluded to the fact that I can forget about counting on my brother for anything. Yep. That's true too.

You see, last Sunday after having spent nearly five hours in the freezing cold pushing carts back into the store, I was stuck out in the shitty weather we were getting hit with. I was trying to look for any buses that were coming back into Woonsocket. Any of them. They were having a tough time either getting into town or just didn't come at all. I had waited out there for THREE FUCKING HOURS. And that's three hours too goddamn long, if you ask me. So, I tried texting my brother to get a ride from him.

His exact words from the text message he had sent me went as follows.

There is absolutely zero percent chance of me coming to pick you up
Click to expand...

...Hm.

So, I answered him back saying, no big deal.

Of course, I was at a point where I didn't care anymore. I was dead set in getting back home one way or another. Even if I had to walk back. Eventually, I passed by a Woonsocket PD squad car sitting outside of this candy shop. New SUV, actually. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, I flagged him down and asked if I can get a ride with him as far as John Cummings Way? He ends up asking me where I lived and of course, I told him where. Of course, it wasn't without patting me down to make sure I didn't have anything dangerous on me - which I can understand, of course. That kinda goes without saying - and after asking me where it was I lived, he ends up taking back home.

So that restored what little faith I had in humanity, considering that people still suck nowadays. But get this. This was the same cop that had given my brother and his - former - friend of his shit for drinking up on the roof over the summer of last year, and I looked over to him and said, "Well hey! Small world, innit?!"

But yeah, the both of us had a little snicker in the squad car and I got home safe and sound. Of course, I even told my boss about it... I think it might have been that following Wednesday. But anyways. I can forget about asking my brother for jack shit. If that's how he wants to play it and after I heard from my mother who told me he got all pissed off all because I had dared asked him for help and even heard him say that he is not the taxi driver, I'm thinking that after that, why should I continue to do anything more for him?

There will come a time when he will ask me for something. And you know something? I won't. I will cordially remind him of this.

But yet... I know it'll come back to haunt me later. So I dunno.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well clear out for now. Got a few things to look into.

Talk to you all again soon, I hope.
 
Monday Night,
May 22nd, 2017


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXeGHcF9-RY


Hello Blue Moon. It's me again.

Not much has changed since I've been here last. Well, aside from the fact that I've been still working my ass off which is a subject that I somehow don't know how to shut up about. Of course, there was a time when I strained my left hip. My feet damn near feel like they wanted to explode into a fine red mist. Then there's today when I came down with a pretty bad cold that royally beat the shit out of me from yesterday that sidelined me as of now. Do I like this idea that I had to take a day out of work just to rest up so that I can be good to go?

Of course not. But at the same time, I know that my health also matters the most, since I can't just keep going 24/7 like a machine. It'll be the literal death of me. But at the same time, I know that I have to do something in order to keep my bills paid, the lights on and the gas on, too. Even if I'm doing this all by myself and have no one and nothing to turn to.

But it's okay. All that will change. My mother and I will get a phone call soon regarding a place out at Chateau Anne, an apartment complex in my old hometown of Central Falls. Sure, it's a low-income type gig, but ya know what? At this point in time, I hardly give a rat's ass.

The one thing I know for certain is that this charade I've been putting on as "the good son" or "the good brother"? It's done. It's over.

I can't keep carrying this weight of the world on my own shoulders. Eventually, it's going to be so much that it's going to inevitably snap my spine in two. People are going to know exactly when to shut the fuck up, do their own thing by themselves and leave me the fuck out of their petty little shitfits they decide to take. More importantly, when I say something they're not going to like, they can either accept the fact that they got called out on their bullshit or they can just cut that last thread and move on with their lives without me.

Take for example, my father. These up and down trips on that 54 heading into Providence, then catch the R-Line into Pawtucket, to then grab the 71 heading down Broad Street to then walk up the rest of the way to that apartment complex just so he can have either me or my mother go run out and buy him a six-pack of Busch, a liter jug of Crystal Palace vodka or god-for-fucking-bid whatever other type of hairbrained excuse of the week he can cook up is starting to add the fuck up.

"Oh, my eyes are bad. Oh, my legs don't work. Oh, the LQ is about as far as I can go."

...You son-of-a-bitch.

If you can walk on down to the fucking liquor store, then you can walk on down to the fucking pawn shop, get your own laptop out, buy your own groceries, pay your rent and more importantly, CLEAN UP THAT FETID SHITHOLE YOU CALL AN APARTMENT BY YOUR OWN GODDAMN SELF.

And you say I've changed.

The nerve of you.

If I have indeed changed, then why is it that I prefer to keep my bills paid and would rather be broke rather than to waste all that money on something so tawdry like you? Why is it that instead of coming to see you for every little boo-boo that I get involved with, why do I instead handle my problems head-on like a man should do? Why is it that when I know I get my paycheck, it goes towards something that I wanted that particular month? Like for example, there was a time when I had everything paid off all nice-nice and kept the costs down. I figured, "Ya know, I've always wanted X or Y or I've had my eye on Z for a while. How about I go get that?"

I can do that. I can go out and get it... BY MYSELF. AND YOU WERE NOT THERE TO SEE IT HAPPEN.

Yeah, maybe I've changed. But I'm the opinion that I've changed for the better while you're still struggling to keep up. Or worse, you've been slacking off and I've surpassed you.

Or rather, I've outgrown you. I don't need daddy's help. I'm not some little boy anymore. I'm 32. I'm a grown man who can make decisions on his own. And you know something? This upsets you. This upsets you that all I've been to you was nothing more than some errand boy and nothing more than that instead of being your son. More than that, this makes you angry that I've been handling my shit and that just straight up pisses you off, doesn't it?!

Well guess what, pops?

I. Don't. Care.

You've fucked with me for far too long and goddammit, it's high time that I pull the plug on this farce. And let's not forget that time when you bothered to ask me for 10 bucks and got all bitched out at me because of it.

What were you gonna do with it? Waste it on that liter jug? You think I don't know you, old man, but I do. I've watched you time and time again for about 30 years of my life. I've seen what you become and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of trying to work things out with you, I'm sick of trying to understand you and as of this moment, I'm fucking sick of you.

No more. Never again.

And as for my brother... Well, he's his own man. He doesn't need his little brother's help. But whenever he does, it's always been little old me who has to sacrifice everything I have in order to help him. And whenever I ask him for help, I get the fucking bitchfit in return.

Once bitten, twice shy, eh?

Fuck this noise.

And when I do get up and running again, this will all change. And it will change for the better, this I promise you. And everyone is going to feel the full effect.

Mark my words. Mark this day on your calendar. Put it on a Post-it note on your fridge for all I care. But regardless of which, I've had it. I'm done putting up with other people's shit and goddammit, I'm getting sick of all this petty bullshit that I've had to put up for the past two and a half years. My time is coming and when it happens, you'll be at the center as it happens when I open up a giant 50 gallon jug of Whup-Ass on certain people.

Or maybe not. I dunno.

But for now, I gotta scram.

And DA, I know you're wanting to talk more of an RP again since I saw those two PMs from you, but as of the moment, that's gotta wait.

I'll be talking with you again soon, journal.
 
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Friday Morning,
August 18th, 2017


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDYGRxL0V24


Well... It happened. Late night on a Sunday, August 6th of this year, my mother and I finally made it. We made it back from Hell's shores and now, here we are in our own apartment right back where it all started not more than 16 years ago.

There's a major difference, though.

My father died two months ago as of June 14th.

My brother has now moved somewhere else. Where, I don't know. He's probably moved in with a buddy of his.

It's basically six of this, half a dozen of that, as it were.

On the one hand, I feel relieved that I've finally made it home. But on the other hand, I wished that things were different. But I know that I can't have it both ways.
 
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Tuesday Early Morning,
August 22nd, 2017


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI6uyh_mYW4


So. It's been a while. About... Mmm. Yeah. Three months since my last bitchfit that I know either gets you guys laughing or makes you wonder as to how I haven't gone completely postal yet. And well, lemme tell ya a thing or two here guys, it has not been an easy transition back into a more "normal" life ever since we finally moved into our new apartment back here in my old hometown, thus ending that near three-year-long nightmare. But at the same time, it's also been hell on wheels at my work, since i had to get transferred over to a different Stop & Shop in the Northern Providence area. Sure, it's a busier store, as people have warned me about and the people there can be a little on the harsh side, but then again, considering the challenges I've faced over the years, I feel this is just one more battle to face. Even if the hours are hell on my feet.

There's also another thing.

Two months ago, as I was preparing to head to work when I was still in Woonsocket at the time, I had gotten a phone call that I thought would lead to some good news, but apparently, it was the one phone call that I never thought I'd ever get. The landlord over at Chateau Anne had called me up at around 10:00 in the morning, telling me that my father was found dead in his apartment.

Let me just make this clear, first and foremost ladies and gentlemen, that my father was not a saint, nor am I going to attempt to paint him as one. But the one thing that I will say was that he was my father, and even though there've been times when Ive been angry with him and maybe I've despised him for things he did, but I've never hated him. Of course, the memorial service went over well. A handful of people from both my father's side of the family and some close friends of his showed up, some people from my mom's side of the family showed up too. What I didn't understand was that why wasn't there others? As much as I wanted to ask these questions, but the main point was that they did show up. That was more than enough.

And as I sit here now, in this apartment with my mom, trying to keep myself together as much as I can, but there've been times when I've started to doubt myself. I've started to become far more cynical, far more reserved and frankly, I've even attempted to shut out the pain. But even then, it shows up in times when I don't think it does. But even then, I just try to numb it as much as I could to the point where I don't think I know what to feel anymore.

To be honest...

I don't think I want that anymore. But yet, there's been times when I have to in order to collect that fucking paycheck so that way it can go to where it needs to go, be it bills, trying to get a few things, get a pack of cigarettes, maybe even get something to eat on the road and all that. I miss being that guy I was, where I can just crack off humdingers all the time, maybe even spin a few yarns here or there, but...

Let's just say that I've been starting to doubt myself a lot nowadays. And that maybe, just maybe, it would feel so much better to just let it all out in one huge blast and just tell the whole world what it is that I was really thinking. But then, songs like this one I posted here speaks to me in a language that tells me, hey, it's not so bad. Yeah, you can move forward, but take it slow at first then when you think you're ready, you hit that fucking gas pedal so hard that you're sailing off into that good night with a smile on your face and a tear in your eye. When those curves come up, you jam on the brakes and turn until you burn and then powerslide into that corner with no regrets. Sure, you might hit a few ditches along the way, but you gotta get back up and get back on the track like it was no big deal. The pain will still be there, but you have to move forward, because if you can't, then who will?

So. Now comes the question. Is this a for sure return? I'm not sure. I've still got plenty of things to work out, but yeah. I think it might be safe to say that I could come back. Not sure what capacity yet, but... Let's just call it the baby steps phase for right now. So now, I got this big, bold lettered thing in front of me on the boards concerning the whole bumping threads thing. Yeesh. Not like I haven't done anything with that damn thread I've had for years on end, nor do I think I feel like changing anything on it yet. But that doesn't mean I'm not open to ideas or brainstorming. Besides, I kinda miss that.

And I know there's been one person that's been itching to get in touch with me to continue something I've kinda left out for a long time now. Might as well shake off the ring rust and see what I've got left in the tank.

But for now, I gotta relax for a little while. Gotta get my mom up in a couple hours and then around 4:00pm my time, I gotta scram to work and suffer that until about 9:30 tonight. I swear, my schedule goes through the kinds of fits that would put epileptics to shame. But yeah. Off with me. See ya soon, journal. And I'll be seeing the rest of you on the boards, people.
 
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I don't know you but I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. If you need someone to talk to and blast off steam with, you're more than welcome to message me.

And you're right. Life is tough. It's really fucking hard sometimes but you just have to kick it in the dick and power through

:heart:
 
Saturday Afternoon,
September 16th, 2017

I don't know what to think or feel these days. Seems like no matter what I try to do or want to do, it always comes with a cost. Be it someone on the street asking me for even the littlest bit of change I have in my pocket which I needed for bus fare that day, or possibly even saving towards buying something I'd really like online. But I know full well that everything I try to do is within reason, even if there are people who seem it's more or less in their best interest to get what they want done first and fuck me for the rest of the time.

Why do I have this job? Why do I live here? Why must I have to continually suffer through the bullshit of working a sweat for a meaningless check day after day after day, only for someone asking me to piss it all away just because of a fuck up that you or someone else made? Why must I have to get up in the morning, having to listen to the drama of the day when all I wanted to do is to just be left alone and not want to hear anything, but no, you have to call on me just because you couldn't figure something out.

Just... Why? Because I'm the good boy who knows next to jack shit about what's good for me, apparently. Or actually, maybe perhaps I have millions of dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account that anybody can just tap into and get whatever they need without giving it back. Nah, no interest, pal. Just take what you need as many times as you like and then walk all over me. Never mind the fact that I got U-Haul to pay off, Verizon to pay off, nah, that shit's gonna be fine. I can just kick that shit on down the road. Never mind the fact that if I don't pay either of those, U-Haul has every right to auction off everything in that storage unit. Just fuck me, right? No need to pay me back. Just keep walking right over me because you need to get that little boo-boo all fixed up.

...Or maybe you should've had this all planned out in the beginning. My money can only stretch so far before it finally snaps. I don't have time, the money nor the patience to sort out your problems on top of my own. I can't keep carrying the world on my shoulders, because one more step more is just one step too many. And I can't keep this up forever. I'm gonna need some help, too.

Only I realize now that I might be asking for it too late, when I think about it. Besides, who in their right mind would want to help their cousin, brother or close friend out, huh? Besides, it all comes down to what you got in your wallet, not what you got in your heart. I go to work a mess, I come back stressed out, tired, pissed off and the pain in my feet... Oh, Jesus Christ, I hope you people never know what Bilateral Clubfoot does to you. I hope within all of my being that none of you ever do. It's wrenching. It's grinding. It's sort of like being slapped into a double anklelock and they're just wrenching away at your feet constantly to the point where you think that goddammit, their gonna snap my feet off. Only the double anklelock comes by way of a pair of vicegrips.

What I'm trying to say here is that I can't help anybody if I can't help myself first. For this reason, I'm terribly sorry that you're having your own problems, but I can't do it. It kills me to have to say no, but I just can't. And yet, why does having to do the right thing have to come with such a price? What do you want me to do, lie? More importantly, what do you want me to do, sell off everything I got in order to make sure that you got all your bases covered? Or hell, put everything into pawn and just say fuck it?

...I give up. I should've given up on this months ago, but apparently, that hardheaded bully in my mind keeps telling me that no, you're not giving up on this and goddammit, you're going to keep your ass moving forward because I fucking said so and if you even think about quitting now, everyone will know and you'll be found out to be nothing more than a fraud. A liar. A fake. A phony. And what'll happen after that? No one will respect you. You'll be all alone, right back where you started. You've got loads of people who look up to you and think of you oh so highly in various different circles and it doesn't matter where it is. If you quit, you'll let them all down, man. And no one will give a rat's ass. It will be all your fault.

Jesus, that got dark in a fucking hurry.

But yeah, you can see where I'm going with this. I try and do my part, but at this point, I can't afford to help anybody as of this moment. I'd go into more, but ya know me. Work and all that.

I'll bore you all later. Take it easy for now.
 
Friday Afternoon,
January 12th, 2018

Been a while since I last wrote in this thing. Lotta things happened from then and now. Some good things. Some bad things. But nevertheless, they were things.

Like yesterday, when I was sitting at work thinking over some stuff, then I went over to the pawn shop to go pay down on the interest on my dad's laptop, and when the question came up about him asking how he was, I ended up telling the truth that he died. I would've been cool with just paying the interest on it and just getting it out from there next month, but instead, they ended up just giving me the thing instead, at which point I began to question if good fortune decided to finally shine down on me for once in my miserable life.

It was a much needed morale boost, I'll give you that much. So was coming home to pay some bills, too.

It's also been a year since I started working at my job at Stop & Shop. And what a year it's been. At the same time, I also hate it. Not as in like loathe it, but more like in a funny sense. Sure, there are times when I think that maybe my bosses are trying to get me killed, but I gotta laugh it off most times. For the most part, I've established a pretty good relationship with the people over there at the Branch Avenue place, even if the hours kinda suck. But hey, it's one of the few gigs in town that pays cash money by the middle of the week, provided if you got your direct deposit set up at the bank, anyway.

As for how things have been as of currently...

Meh. Maybe some other time. Not in the mood to talk about it now. Meantime, I might as well get going. Got a few things to do between now and then before I leave for work. See you soon, I hope.
 
Tuesday Afternoon,
January 15th, 2019

Yeesh. A year's long drought without me posting a thought in my own journal. Can't say that doesn't happen, but then again, I didn't really have too much to think over the course of 2018, since it would've been retreading an old thought I had before that. And further back before that one, too.

All I will say, however, is that a few things happened over the course of my 2018.

For one, I got laid off while I was on FMLA due to the arthritis in my ankles becoming so severe that I was pulled out for one week, then it went up to two weeks. Then again, one of my supervisors was a royal cunt, anyway. But don't get me wrong, I honestly don't mind working at Stop & Shop, but if I were to ever go back to it, I'd rather work for the one up in Cumberland, even if the buses that go up that way stop running at 6:30. I of course got my TDI, which isn't bad. And actually, I can enjoy buying shit again. Like I had mentioned in a thread recently, I got myself a little XBOX One S plus an XBOX Live Gold account with some games on it, four of which are physical copies while the rest are digital downloads, like how after like several years, I finally got my hands on games I actually wanted to play. Rayman Legends, DOOM 2016, MKXL, Destiny 2 (Didn't get the Forsaken DLC stuff, but I'll shoot for it once a few things get cleared up), Forza Horizon 3 with both the Blizzard Mountain and Hot Wheels DLC, shit like that.

Doesn't mean that I gave up on the PS3, despite my current feelings regarding Sony as of recently. As for Steam, yeah, I'm still active there, too. Not as much as I would've hoped, but ehh. Gotta wait for some price cuts and/or sales to do some proper shopping.

So. Yeah. If you feel like it, then hey, shoot me a message saying what your gamertag is on there and maybe, I'll see you scuttling around somewhere.

Not all good things happened, though. Of course, one of my cousins ends up in jail after breaking a No Contact Order his ex girlfriend had put on him... God knows how many times. But you know something, I honestly can't say I should care about this since he had been a bit of a fuckup as a kid. Do I feel bad about the fact that he's looking at stiff jailtime as a result of this? Well... Yeah. It's unfortunate for sure, but at the same time, my mother also made it painfully clear that she can't be anybody's option to go to these days. She gets tired, too. If anyone wants anything out of me, um, yeah, no. Besides, we also got other things to deal with.

My take on this is one thing and one thing only. People are going to learn the hard way that yeah, we don't mind helping out where we can and all that, but unfortunately, we're not anyone's constant go-to just because someone's got a sad story to tell, or they had one little scrape or whatever, because guess what, when these same people thought it was okay to turn their backs on us when we needed help, yeah, there are things I'll remember until my dying day and I can look them dead in the eye and tell them face to face that they fucked up, because where were they when my mother was dealing with Hep C? Where were they when we got evicted? Or wait, how about this one, how about that one time when I slept out under a tree near the old folks' home where my mom was - well, okay, not so much slept, more like looking around to make sure no one saw me and they be able to lay my head down then when daylight came around, I had to scram out and start making my way back into Woonsocket all because of the fact that my brother decided, "Hey, Daniel, I need you to disappear for tonight because I wanna spend time with Shyleen, can you do that for me?" and then I had nowhere to go?

And you know what else? I won't feel bad in saying it. Because once the end of the day arrives, that's all there needs to be said. You done fucked it up.

So, naturally, that's still a major sore spot for me. It's probably gonna be that way for a while because... Well, these people that I refer to as my family fucking betrayed my trust and left me with no answer to the question I posed. Where were they? Well, I'll tell you where were they. They were "far too busy" with their own lives to even acknowledge the problems my mom and I were facing. Ones they knew about. So no. Between the literal rock and a hard place I dealt with, mom nearly knocking on Heaven's Door about three separate times, I did something as I waited for the ball drop that night on New Year's Eve.

I didn't make a resolution. No, I made a promise that I intend on sticking to. I made a promise that for as long as I lived, I promised that for this year and any year after that... No more. I will not be anyone's go-to option, unless if in the most dire of circumstances - and that's a really, really, really high number on the dire scale - and when that ball dropped at midnight and I went to go see my mom to give her a smooch, I held her to that promise, too. No more. No more handouts. No more giveaways. No more listening to sob stories. No more listening to whining about this, that, or the other thing. Just no more. We've played nice in the sandbox long enough. And for those who try to say "I'm sorry", yeah, fuck that. No, they're not. They never were, not then and not now. They know what they did and they should've known that their actions would have major consequences, and they're going to have to live with those consequences for the rest of their days, because I can't stand listening to someone sob and cry like a whiny little bitch. It's tiring. It's draining and furthermore, it's fucking nauseating.

Okay, so it's heartless of me to say that. I'm being far too mean. You have every right in saying that. You do. But then again, you know what really sucks is when you got bills to pay, rent is due or you need to get food to eat for the month, someone in your immediate circle decides to come along and ask you for 400 dollars to pay down their phone bill they should have had taken the fuck care of beforehand, ISN'T THAT RIGHT RJ? HOW THE FUCK ABOUT YOU, GERRY JR.? EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKING BROUGHT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PROBLEM YOU HAD AGAINST YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR GODDAMN NOSE CLEAN FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS OR BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'RE TRYING TO GET US TO DO FOR YOU WHEN YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO SHIT ALL BY YOUR OWN GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SELVES YOU GODDAMNED MEALYMOUTHED, SLACK JAWED, BRAIN DEAD, HALF-PINT, DWARF PUNCHING FUCKTARDS!

No. You wanted everything to be solved for you. You wanted everything to be handed to you and get a little pat on your asses and be told, "Yeah, everything's gonna be just fine. No worries."

Uh. No. Wrong answer. You're all grown ass men and women. You should be able to handle your businesses because as we all know, it's work before play, not the other way around. Yeah, we can enjoy those things we like, but first, we need to have the rent paid and yeah, it's gotta be in by the 6th, or otherwise, there's a late fee or worse, we're getting evicted, we got a 1,000 dollar cable, phone and internet bill that I have no idea how it ran up that high, but we got to take care of it or otherwise, we're looking at it getting turned off. Yeah, we got it back on and that's fine, but then there's the reconnect fee. Yeah, thanks for wanting money to handle your business too, asshole.

In short, it's high time you all get your heads outta the fucking clouds and go live with real people for fucking once.

Now I know what everybody is gonna say. I'm being absolutely mean spirited, hateful, spiteful, bitter even, maybe even outright hostile. But yet, lemme pose this as a question. Is it my fault that I feel the way I do because of how everything happened? Keep in mind, even when I was living in Woonsocket at the time and after that so-called "friend" of my brother's walks out on him, leaving me to pick up the slack and even taking out a fucking loan just to get the lights and gas turned back on and my mom to cover the rent, we were doing everything we could all do... Yet no one else was covering the rest of it or was willing to play ball with us. So you know what, these people don't wanna play fair, fine. But consider this a fair warning when I tell you right to your face if you ask me for $10 and I don't have it then I don't wanna hear any whining, bitching, complaining, crying, pissing, moaning or nothing. You're all big boys and girls now. You don't need me to come help you. You don't need your mom or your aunt to come help you.

Alright. Maybe I am being hateful. I admit to that. I admit to the fact that I should be there when it matters no matter what the circumstance, but after everything that happened before and everything that I'm still dealing with now, is that so wrong for me to feel the way I did between then and now?

I suppose that's a loaded question, but it does have merit. And on that note, I'm gonna close this one out before I end up ranting even more. I'll see you guys later.
 
Early Morning,
February 10th, 2019

Huh. Funny how it all happens. You think you're down and out in terms of wanting to RP again, but then, something happens when you least expect it. You find a couple partners with a few niches that spark your creative interest and then, out of the clear blue sky, kaBEWWWWWWWM!!! A wellspring of ideas come forth. Might be a little bit rough around the edges at first, maybe even rusty as all get out, but then, you start banging out some ideas, looking for something some people are into, maybe even throw around a few things here, a few things there, and then... It happens.

To quote that one line from The Godfather III...


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU


It never fails. Never does. And hell, I wasn't even expecting it to be honest. I was half thinking with this influx of people that we got here now, that the old guys are gonna be sidelined in favor of some of the new, hotter, fresher talent. Not some old fart who's been here for ten years.

I joke, of course. But no, I appreciate it all the same. Maybe that creative part of me hasn't completely died. No, it simply went into hibernation for about... Maybe three, four of those years. And hey, for a long time, I thought to myself that I'd never be able to make it back with everything that's happened to me and then some. But hey, it still feels nice to be back in town after a long drought. Lord knows I needed a breather and remind myself of some of the things I used to enjoy, between picking up a video game, listening to some music, maybe even dabble in a book here or there, maybe even look at some artwork here and there and strangely, actually enjoying myself again.

I mean, it hasn't been like a total 100% rehabilitation, but the point remains the same. It feels kinda good to be back doing what I enjoyed once more and hopefully, the partners I have won't get completely stunk out with the things we've got planned. But to keep it simple, I'm only taking the two I have at the moment. And besides, I gotta think about rebuilding my request thread that's been kinda lost to the sands of time. Probably a better thing that's still buried as of now. Ugh.

But yeah. I suppose this might as well mark the day that I finally got back into RPing again. Tentatively, however. But yeah, that's about all I got for now. See you all on the boards.
 
Valentine's Day,
February 14th, 2019

Ten years.

Ten years since I've been home.

And what a decade it's been. You know, it's kinda funny when I think about this. It's funny in the sense that my mother and I were brought back here all because my littlest cousin was diagnose with leukemia.

Who would've known that it would've turned into this. A decade of the longest bout of regrets that I wished never would've happened, but they did. But, I think about it like this. If I never came back here, would any of it have changed? Would I ever have dealt with all of the backstabbing, the broken promises, the lies, the deceit and everything that goes with it? Would any of this be so ingrained in my mind as of now? What would've changed? Would I have changed at all?

The answer, as it seems, isn't as far fetched as you think.

You see, I had it easy when I was in Omaha. I had it even easier when I was in Lawrence. I mean yeah, there was that one chapter that could've lived without with that sawed off hillbilly or whatever, but the point remains the same. It was much more tolerable, even if I was in a place that didn't really feel like home to me. And when we all came back on this night and got everything into that house over on Yorkshire Street... That was when everything went to shit.

I don't know how it all happened. I don't know where everything went wrong. I just don't know. But to think that within the space of those ten years that it would lead my mother and I to be homeless, nearly out in the street or her to land in the hospital, me in two different homeless shelters and god knows where else only to end up back here where it all began and for everything to just completely go south. It's funny not in a ha ha sense, because there was something I had written in a book a while back that there was something about this town that just felt... Forbidden. I knew that the memories I had here in this little square mile long sliver of a city had rusted and or faded for a reason, but now... They all come back to haunt me once more like some kinds of ghosts.

And that's what I think nowadays. This town is a ghost in every since of the word, especially when I look for certain landmarks or look at where certain houses used to be on certain corners, only to find them mostly boarded up, renovated or repainted to make it look new, despite the scars that were there before won't just simply fade away, not with what happened there times before. And then, there's a series of questions that comes back to me that I find myself asking myself over and over.

What happened? Where did everything go? That's not how this looked before. I remember this so much differently.

What... happened...?

And well... What happened was that time moved on without me here. Some of the old restaurants are still there out on the main drag that leads into Central Falls. There's still that old liquor store next door to the Chinese food place there that the outside still looks like someone did it and ran, Sparky's is still there, except it's only open for breakfast and lunch while Stanley's is open up until the dinner hours, some of the houses I've seen are still there while certain parts of them are different from how I used to remember it, everything is just... different. But no matter how much everything has changed here... It's all still the same as it was when I left here 16, maybe 17 years ago.

I guess... Maybe... I just got older. But so has everything and everyone else that I knew. Everyone else has continued on with their lives, however it might have been all those years ago. I mean yeah, there are those times when I feel like recapturing a memory from a while back, but then, there are those times when I think it's better off leaving it where it was; as nothing more than a distant memory from a time long ago.

I dunno. Maybe there are times when I kinda wished I had those ten years back. Then when I think about it again, I think maybe it's better that I leave them alone.

But I know one thing. Just because I was born here, that my mom was born here or whatever sure as hell doesn't mean that I intend on dying here. I didn't leave this shitpit of a town for no reason. It's because that there's nothing left here. It's because there's no one here. Not after my friends, cousins, aunts and uncles all turned their backs on us, not after my father died and most certainly not after everything that happened between my mother and I nearly five years ago. I won't forget about those times. And I will never forgive them for as long as I live. I hope they're doing well with themselves after everything that happened. I hope that they're proud of what they've become. More importantly, I hope that they are all well and ready to live with the decisions they've all made and more than that, I hope with everything that I still have hope for, that they are all ready to live with the consequences of their actions, because every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Karma will come to them. And I hope that they're all ready for their comeuppance.

And I sincerely hope that they know how much of a bitch it'll be.

A Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

This day can go suck a dick through a straw.

Ahhhh, but that's just me. Don't mind me. I'm just venting as I always do.
 
Thursday Morning,
February 28th, 2019

I'm not sure if any of you know what kind of education it is knowing that someone was about to die literally in your hands. I'm not sure if that's the type of education that you're all wanting to have and I hope with every fiber of my being that it never happens to any of you, even if you were someone who I legitimately hated. But for what has to be the... Fifth, maybe sixth time now? It has been an education I've found myself repeating since about 2007. And of those five, maybe six separate times, my mother has come close to knocking on Heaven's door. What caused it this time was the fact that my mother had been stressing over the passing of her sister and it eventually all came to a head one night when my mother was helping her friend taking out some trash. Admittedly, I didn't know it at the time, but my neighbors would get my attention by ringing my doorbell which I was first led to believe that someone was ringing it because they were looking to get inside or because one of the local druggies here were looking to get a fix.

How wrong I was, when I heard that my mother was having an attack of some kind. At that point, I immediately bolted out that door and ran down the hallway with all the speed I could muster and I didn't stop until I got to her. When I did, I saw she was running short for breath and she was struggling majorly. I of course asked if an ambulance was already called, which it was. Of course, being the dumbshit I normally am, I forgot that I had to lock up behind me, so I grabbed my keys, but I didn't bother throwing sweatpants on, because the ambulance was about to show up. At that point, I'm sailing through the hallway at 500,000 miles a second, hoping, praying to god I get there to her so I can hop on with them. After waiting a bit for them to work on her, I eventually get the go-ahead to get in.

But here was a few things that scared me. One of them was when she was fitted with the CPAP mask after the regular oxygen mask wasn't doing much, the other when I heard one of the EMTs say that she was mottling, and another thing was when I was looking at my mother's form, seeing that her fingers and toes were about to turn blue, and yet another thing was when I glanced at her numbers on the portable monitor and on her finger. A pulse of 124, a blood pressure of about 180+ over 120+, and an SpO2​ (that's Pulse-Ox for the uninitiated) of about 83. What did that all spell?

If your answer involved about another 60-90 seconds away from death, you'd be partly right. She was under acute respiratory distress brought upon by a heart attack and if nothing had been done for another minute... I would've lost not only my aunt this month, but I would be looking down the end of the crematorium saying my final goodbyes to my mother. I don't know what brought her back from that brink, but all I can say is that I am eternally grateful for having her back. Now all it comes down to now is me having to plant my foot in her ass telling her she needs to take her meds, get off the cigarettes and learn to eat right, despite the fact that she she... Doesn't really eat all that much. She of course told me the same thing that I gotta start taking better care of myself, too. I realize that I might be the biggest hypocrite ever as of this moment in time, but my main focus is about her and nothing else. She doesn't need to worry about me. If something happens to me, then hey, that's my own damn fault and I accept that fact wholeheartedly. For the time being, I'm alright.

Though of course, at one point a few days later, I get the call from Miriam telling me that my appointment for the steroidal injection under general anesthesia in my right ankle has been set for March 6th at 1:00pm, with an arrival time of 12:30pm. Happened right as I stepped out and thought that I was going to be headed for home alone before the incoming snowstorm was about to hit and is currently pummeling our asses now.

FUN.

But after all of this, as soon as we got her in the house, Leo was jumping all over her up and down and he was so happy to see her after not seeing her for three days. And guys, I'm not gonna sit here and bullshit you, because those were the longest three days that I have ever seen. For most of those three days, I hadn't slept right at all. And at one point, I swear to god, I was nearly going insane, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods (I'm lying. I was being an insufferable prick) and more importantly, I could've lost my mother. Another 60-90 seconds and that would've been it. You all have every right saying I'm a mama's boy, but you know something, you deal with what I dealt with over the past 72 hours and tell me how you make out with that. If you're not a babbling, tear-stained, chain smoking and broken mess by the end of the first day, then by all means, come on back and tell me how'd you make out.

But now... My mother sleeps comfortably in the bed that was left for her. Leo's snoozing comfortably beside her. As for me, I can breathe far more easier now that she's back. Well... Barring that one moment where not long after I got into the elevator, one of the neighbors asks me for a fucking cigarette. The words that could've come out of my mouth then and there would have been and I will say them here.

"Get the fuck away from me, you old, broken down, horse-faced, slovenly, broken record burnout crackhead cunt. I have no money to offer you. I have no cigarettes to offer you. Don't come to my door ever. Don't ask me for anything ever. Don't even breathe in my general direction unless you want to earn yourself a fucking backhand to the jaw. I don't know you and no, I don't owe you a motherfucking thing. You are not entitled to anything from me. Now you stay as far the fuck away from me and don't you ever come anywhere near me again, do you understand that? If you want something, you go to your other crackhead friends or hey, do what most people do like I did and fucking get off of your lazy ass and work for it. Earn your keep. Make your own living. Oh. What's that? You can't work anymore, or more like you don't want to? Is that how you lied your ass off to get your SSI when there are others out there who might need it more than you do? Oh what's that? You wanna borrow $20 and give me back $40? What the fuck do I look like, a fucking bank? You want a cigarette from me? What do I look like now, a smoke shop? No? If I look like none of these things, then you have about five seconds before I deck you and don't you dare tell me that you like it, because I will cuntpunt you over the uprights in Gilette Stadium for a 100-yard field goal, you motherfucker and hope you land asshole first on someone's radio antenna for their car and hope it spears you right through your brain so that way the only sound someone tunes in to would be the perpetual sound of diarrhea that you are only capable of spewing. Now get the FUCK away."

I realize I may sound like the single most bitter person in the world, but you know something, I have a reason for it nowadays. It's because the fucking dipshits of the fucking world made me into this cynical, skeptical bastard. You know the ones. The liars. The doublecrossers. The promise-breakers. Those who say they would be there for you only to turn around and throw you to the wolves at the first chance they get. People who are only in it for their own benefits, or vultures as I call them. Those kinds of people. The kinds of people who would rather railroad you for everything you have and offer you nothing in return. And yet, it's that cynicism and skepticism coupled with the ability to know when to mash X to Doubt that's kept me alive ever since... What. Ever since this shit all began all those years ago? And I realize I have some major league sore spots that I don't hide all that well, but yet, I don't care. I know what my vulnerabilities are. I know I'm easy to set off. I'm well aware of everything that it is I say. But like I said, it's not without its own merit, if you take the time to sit there and think about everything that it is I say, because I know there may be times where you've thought the same thing. I know that you might have said the same thing. Hell, you might have even done it. So when I say to you that I get it, believe me, I know where it is I'm coming from. Yet there's a difference between wanting to say something, and actually doing it. It only takes special kind of asshole to set me off and once that happens, I will make sure you know that it was your own fault for striking that last goddamn nerve. And I suppose I have working at that Stop & Shop by Branch Avenue to thank for solidifying that foundation.

I suppose the one question I have is where do I go from here? Well, the one thing I know is that yeah, I think I may be coming back to posting again after I take a day to myself to... You know... Decompress before I have to reach over and strangle a motherfucker to death and all that. Because. You know. Murder's still illegal.

When can we make The Purge into a real thing, though? I'm asking for a friend.

Anyways, enough rambling from me this morning. I'll check in with you lot later.
 
Friday Evening,
March 8th, 2019

Welp. I had the steroid injection in my ankle. The one thing I will have to admit, however, is that it felt weird at first, because I honestly thought for a moment that there would be more pain to this, but yet, the sucky part of it was when they were shooting the stuff into my ankle, because the pressure buildup in it was so much that it felt like my whole foot - and maybe part of my leg - was gonna pop. Of course, it might just be the numbing medicine talking, but in a general sense... I mean, there's still some pain here and there, but I guess I feel okay. Something tells me it ain't gonna last long, though, so I might as well get used to this while I can. Then there's the whole movement thing. I will admit that it felt a little wonky at first, but after a while, yeah, I was moving around okay. All there is to do now is to get a hold of my orthopedic doc, let him know the procedure went okay and see where we go from there. After all this though, I still don't see myself ever going back to work on my feet though. But hey, I guess that means I gotta start thinking about work again. Either that or maybe even settle in for SSI. At this point however, I'm keeping my options open as to what happens from this moment on.

In other news...

Remember when I said in a profile post where I wanted to step away for a bit due to the passing of my aunt? Well, I guess I should've been more specific. The whole reason as to why I did that was for the sake of my mother and had asked her a simple question based on whether or not she wanted to go to the services if they're open to the public. Well, the services were made private, so there goes that question. Still, I asked her a simple yes or no question. She said no, so we didn't go. If we did, I would have gone with her to support only her and no one else. The reason being is because in life, my "aunt" and my mother didn't exactly have the sisterly bond that most families would have. She was born to be the creator of trouble and as she drew her final breath, she left nothing but trouble in her wake, fracturing the family even further to the point where seemingly nothing can be done to fix those bridges. And at this point in time, why should we?

This is the part where it might get really heavy, so if you don't wanna read this part, that's fine, but I'll do you guys a favor and throw the spoiler thing on it. But what I will tell you is that I will not lie nor will I pull any punches. On top of that, I know those of you who read this aren't a bunch of stupid kids because I say "fuck" a lot, so I know you're okay with that.

So. My aunt. She was a real card. And by that I mean if she were any card in the traditional deck of the four suited 52, she would undoubtedly be the Queen of Spades, typically know by most Hearts players as The Bitch. The reason as to why I say this is because in life, she was a total bitch to people. Sure, she could be all sweet and innocent one day, but the next, she'll turn the knife in your back when you're not looking and then brush off some shit like it was no big deal, even if she knew she was in the wrong for letting it happen in the first place. Such as in my case... When I was but a younger and more trusting lad...

I was in fact the victim of child molestation from the person who I used to call my cousin. He was 16, and I was only seven. And if I hadn't screamed like I did and if my mother had been but a second later when she busted into the room and saw my cousin where he was... He would've raped me. To this day, I refuse to speak to him under the proviso that if I were to ever see his face anywhere near me ever again, I would've killed him. I would never see him again up until my Memere's death in 2000. And yet, when I saw him there, there was a lingering feeling that was in the back of my mind that he was indeed somewhere behind me. One of my uncles noticed I was going to step out of the funeral home we were at at the time and then he saw my molester following me in a manner that he didn't like. When he asked my mother what was going on, she told him the story. And then, he and his brothers from my dad's side of the family all followed him out next. I don't know what happened, but from what I last heard, he was found out in the dumpster. Alive and unharmed, but he was told to never come anywhere near me ever again.

But the fucked up part of this was that she - my "aunt" - tried to sweep this all under the rug and pretend that it was all my imagination or that I made it all up. But here's the funny thing about all of this. Why is it that I remember being in that room with him? Why did he bring me there into his room to play some Clu Clu Land on his NES? Why did he touch me the way he did? Last I checked, I didn't ask for any of it. Why do I remember everything like I did with crystal clear clarity? Why do I remember the argument that my mother and her sister had after that happened? Why do I remember going before the judge when he was brought before the court and pointed to him as my molester? More to the point, why do I still have this insurmountable hatred towards him years after when he popped up on Facebook adding me as a friend? Just why? Why did it all have to happen to me? I know I'll never get the answer to those questions now all these years later, but the one thing I will say is this. No one deserved to deal with what I dealt with. And by that, I mean no one.

So when I heard that she had passed, I just found myself just sort of... Feeling nothing. Like how am I supposed to feel bad about someone who I no longer wanted anything to deal with? Why should I? If anything, I felt more sympathy for my mother knowing she had lost another sister of hers. But after her passing, I find out that one of my cousins had taken the account to post something there in regards to the services and that it was going to held privately, she of course made mention that she wasn't going there anyway. This would create a chain of events that would soon follow, where everybody and their grandmother would soon get involved, trashing my mother something fierce. It all started with one of my other cousins who I had no contact with for years after what happened to me threatening my mother with a gun if she were to ever to attend the funeral to another one of my cousins getting ugly with my mother on Facebook as well, to which my mother then told her to stay out of her business. Then, when she then posted an informal obituary in a Facebook group of Central Falls residents who passed away for her own closure's sake, one of my aunt's stepdaughters attempted to report and then shit talk my mother yet again and at that point, I had heard enough. I punked her out and told her to get lost.

Now, I know what you might all be thinking. Why didn't I do anything about this sooner or why did my mom even do this in the first place? Well, it was her sister. I told her that she had every right to feel what she felt and I chose to say nothing about it. She vented out her frustrations and well, apparently, some people took offense to it. But for it to have followed her there was absolutely uncalled for. I know I shouldn't have also said what I did in that Facebook group, but someone had to come to my mother's defense since no one else was going to. But yet... I was given the respect of an old friend of my mother's for standing up to that wretched bitch. After all was said and done, the both of us ended up either ignoring her niece and "nephews" and took them off our contact lists.

Again. I know that it's unfair to speak of the dead in a manner like my mother did, but at the same time, who was she to us these days when she made herself out to be one of the most despicable people in this lifetime, where she had raised a pair of child molesters, elderly abusers and criminal degenerates? And yet, these people are still allowed to walk around freely after everything that happened. You can say they were rehabilitated all you like, but that doesn't mean that they won't turn back to their ways long ago and it has most certainly happened with one. I won't say what, but trust me, even you would get sickened if I did, especially if you're a parent yourself.

If you read this far into this and you haven't lost your appetite by now or aren't reaching for the nearest bucket by what I've said so far, then hey, more power to you and here's a virtual pat on the shoulder from me to you. but not to worry. You can turn on the spoiler cover now.

Long story short. There's people in my family who I really don't like much nowadays. As if I ever did. But then again, when it all ties back to my mother and myself respectively, I suppose this shouldn't be much of a shock when I said I appreciated the condolences for the loss to the family and when I thanked everyone for those messages and other such kind words, it was all the added support I needed to pass along to my mom since she was the one who needed it the most. And in summation, death brings out the absolute worst in people. But maybe you've had a similar thing happen to you before, so hey, now you got someone who can relate to you.

Man, this took forever to write up. Even longer to edit when I looked this all over. I suppose I just wanted to write this down if in case if I were to ever forget. But yeah. I'll bore you guys another time. I'll see you all later.
 
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St. Patrick's Day,
March 17th, 2019

Top o' the mornin' to ya laddies.

You know, a couple days ago was one of those days where I needed to get out and into the open road if only for a little while. I first took care of a few things that either I've been meaning to get rid of for a while now but haven't been able to either because - yeah, I'll admit it - A, I was too lazy to do it or B, the pain in my ankles completely sapped the energy right out of me. But I was feeling particularly spunky today and I though, "Hell, why not? Let's just go and get out there!"

So, one of my first destinations was to the "crown jewel" of shopping malls known only as the Providence Place Mall, where I nosed around for a little while and ended up coming out of there with a used copy of Shadow Warrior 2013. Would've loved to have grabbed Asura's Wrath for either console I have, but now I know where to look for it, even if it's online. Still, why up in Massachusetts, though? Grr. Anyways, so I continued noodling around for a while, thinking maybe I wanted to get a CD over there too. Haven't done much of that either. And whaddaya know, I saw they had Sabaton's The Last Stand over there at Newbury Comics. But what was on my mind originally was Motorhead's Black Magic album, and well, they did have the older albums, it wasn't quite what I was looking for. So again, double grr. Eventually, I remember a conversation me and my mother had about a possible chair we were looking to have brought over from a Rent-A-Center, but because someone didn't bring back a computer from like more than 10 years ago - gee, thanks, RJ - it had to fall upon me in order to get things done. AGAIN. Only, it required me to take a trip up to Woonsocket in order to find it.

After finagling with some paperwork to the last rush to get some names and addresses, I put down a semi-monthly payment of about $75 on a nice looking Ashley Boyband Power Touch Recliner - in black, by the way - that'll show up by the 19th of this month. Of course, I need to get a hold of them tomorrow to make sure that the got the right address, because the one the chick they had put down for delivery wasn't exactly correct. I mean, I get it, they were closing up at around 7:00 that night, but hey, I couldn't care any less. I gots me a chair! One of two, anyhow. Gonna need it, especially due to the fact that the steroidal injection in my right ankle didn't exactly work out the way I had hoped. I mean, it was okay for the first few days, but afterward, it just petered out. So what happens from here? I'm not sure. But I think it's not gonna end well. Plus with my mom and her back, she's gonna need the creature comforts, too. But, baby steps. The important thing to take away from all of this is that I was in a mood to get out and do things, otherwise I was gonna go completely bonkers from being cooped up in the house.

So finally, some good news for once. might have broke my bank a bit, but it's nothing major. Guess that's it for now though. I'll check you guys later.
 
Wednesday Morning,
March 27th, 2019

Yesterday was another one of those days where I just needed to get out and about. Besides, being cramped up in the house all day was gonna drive me crazy if I didn't. More to the point, I knew exactly what it was I was looking for this time around, this in the form of a Patriots jersey. Well, I've said it time and time again that if I was going to dedicate myself to the Church of Foxborough, I might as well do it right. Plus, if I remember correctly, they do their Spring Training up at Bryant College sometime soon. When specifically, I dunno. Still, it might be something fun to do when the time comes. The funny thing was, I had almost thought about getting one from this one pair of guys that were out and about in the mall, but the weird thing was that the one they had would've ran for $175, while the one I got was only $120 flat. Weirder still, was that I was looking online for those things on the Champs website, and there was a sale for those things for about $80. So... There's a discrepancy going on here. No matter though. I got my stuff all ready to go and now, all that I have to do now is... Well. Wait, I suppose. For what, I have no idea.

Of course, the pain in the ass about the damn thing is that the only big enough size was a 2XL, which kinda stinks. But hey, it's cool, though. At least the thing stretches. Additionally, they didn't have Gronk's number up there, but again, it's okay. Brady's number works just as well. That and lose more of this gut of mine so the damn thing fits right. Again, no big deal. I accomplished one thing and before that, I took care of the cats, the dog, a few chores around the house and then, I took off for the day and let my mom rest. She needed to get some sleep anyway, because she hadn't been feeling right for the past few weeks after she got out of the hospital.

After I got out of the mall though, I took a major league gamble in jumping into the nearest bathroom stall I could find at the RIPTA bus terminal in Kennedy Plaza, but at least nobody in their right mind bothered me. On the flipside of that, I kinda didn't wanna present myself as too big a target, because there are some assholes who wanna look at what you have in a more obtuse manner. Maybe even try to rip it off of you, too. So yeah. I kinda didn't wanna do that. More to the point, I tucked the bag I bought the jersey from into my coat pocket to further conceal it. What was funny though was that as I was coming out of the GameStop - assuming people still go there, for one thing - was that I spotted the replica of the Infinity Gauntlet inside of the case there - working fingers and all - for about 100 something. I could've gotten that if I REALLY wanted to be an asshole, but ehh. Maybe next time. Besides, I didn't feel like hating my money too much.

Of course, on the return trip home, I spotted my cousin down at the bus terminal in Pawtucket, so we sat and bullshitted a bit before I caught the next bus back home. Primarily because A, I didn't feel like being out too long with how Leo - the chihuahua we inherited back last year - has to go out from time to time and B, the temperature was gonna drop like a bitch.

But yet, I feel as though I accomplished a lot within the time frame I used yesterday. And once it was all done, I could sit back with a smile on my face and say, "Yeah. I did that. This is mine and you can't have it."

Here's what's odd, though. For some reason that I still don't know why this possessed me to do this, but I went through my Steam library one day and I thought, you know, I got a backlog of games I haven't played or beaten yet, let alone completed fully 100%. So, I figured I might as well try my hand at one game, Dust: An Elysian Tail. I mean yeah, I know I got all these XBOX One and PS3 games I haven't gone to town on like I should've, but at the same time, I gotta show my Steam library some love, too. I didn't have that account for nine years for nothing.

Oh Jesus. Come July, it'll be TEN. And when I look at one of my friend's account, he's been there for fifteen. And here I thought I was supposed to be the old man here. What the hell happened to all that time, man...? But then again, I know the answer to that already. It's called real life stole me away for about five years of my life. As I think of it now, I looked at my MTTI diploma recently and saw it's been six years since I graduated from there as of about two weeks ago. And I still hold true to the words I spoke up some time ago when I was up there accepting it, that the saga was not over, but only a new beginning for me and that class. I didn't know what more to say to them there, but the important thing was that nothing's ever truly over. But I wouldn't recommend going back out there, because Seekonk is ass to get back and forth from. So maybe a tenure over at CCRI might be in the works? Who knows. All I do know is that I'm gonna need something after all of this work bullshit has put me through.

So. Where to go from here.

Ah, hell, I've blabbed on enough. I'll bore you all another time. See you later, eh?
 
Early Morning,
June 13th, 2019

You know... It's been two years since you've been gone, old man. And I'll be honest with you. It's been a long, hard and rough two years since I got that phone call from our landlord here at Chateau Anne that told me you were gone.

And you know something? It still hurts. And no matter how hard I try to to put on a brave face and have to lie bold faced to everyone that I've been doing okay ever since you passed when the reality is, I'm not. I would've loved to have heard your voice one more time. I would've loved to have heard you on that old guitar of yours that I have put away in my closet for the sole reason of getting the thing strung up again one day and sitting down and playing it myself. Of course, it'll require me getting back to work again. Of course, I dunno what anyone would do with a decrepit 34 year old like me these days, especially if he's barely got a leg to stand on these days.

I dunno. Seems like I should be working as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Wouldn't that be the day? All I would have to do is just sit there by the front door, saying hi to random strangers I don't even know and check for receipts as people made their exits. Sort of what I did when I was working at Stop & Shop all those years ago, but ehh. At least I wouldn't have to chase after carriages anymore.

But what I'm getting at here is this, old man. I know that life hasn't always been easy on you. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Much like Curly that you held in such high regard, you were a victim of circumstance. Everything that happened between you and your family wasn't your fault. Ma doesn't hate you. RJ never hated you. More importantly, I don't hate you. Hell, you were me and RJ's hero. You were the smartest guy we knew. And yeah, I will confess you were an asshole every once and again but as I sit here and I think about all those times long ago, you were the guy who I had hoped to sit down one day in a bar and just sit around, shootin' the shit and just forget about our troubles if only for a little while. But now, here I am, two years after everything that happened and without you around.

But perhaps... Perhaps, there'll come a day when I will see you once more. Perhaps I'll see you in my dreams once more of you, me and RJ starting up that band you were talking about and just plunking out some tunes with Uncle Tommy, Uncle Pete and everybody else. Perhaps we could all reform Half Ton and call it Quarter Ton, because of how big and fat we all are.

But as it stands now...

Maybe in a dream somewhere, it'll happen. Maybe we'll get a record deal. Not with Warner, though. They're assholes. Not with Sony, either. They're all dickheads. Maybe we'll go indie. Seems like it would be a better thing, if you ask me. RCA? Yeah. Maybe.

But as of right now, all I can do now as of this point in time is just remember what I had back in those days and cherish them. I know we had our ups and downs as it's been very well documented, but like I said before, I hold nothing against you for all of it. It just spun entirely out of control. Like I said before, pops. I forgive you for all of it. You did the best you could and that's all me and RJ could ever ask from you. All we just wanted in return was to spend some time with you and that was literally it. And well, we got that from you. I honestly wished we had more time to spend together, but... I suppose that's enough. It's still gonna hurt some without you around, but at least that's all in the past now. What's done is done and there's no going back to it. The only thing I can do now is continue to move forward.

On the flipside of all that, I had a bit of interesting day, myself. As I was going out to go get meds for my mom today from CVS, I was just coming around the corner when I see a few squad cars, fire trucks and eventually, state troopers were all pulling up to City Hall. At first, I thought to myself, oh great, did some poor bastard get his head blown off over there? So, as I was going around the mess of everything but the National Guard, maybe even the FBI and ATF or whatever, I happened to go up to one guy and ask him, "Hey buddy, what's going on here?"

The guy looks back at me and says, "I dunno... But they're calling out for the Bomb Squad." Now, here I am, thinking, "Oh boy! Finally we got some action around here!" So naturally, I'm thinking this is no big deal, right? Well, when I get out of the CVS and go back up the way I came, I'm now seeing one cop blocking off the street entirely. So now, I'm thinking, oh great. I gotta get back up that way! Now what the hell do I do?! I continue a little further up the street still, looking for where I can get around, and after getting told to get across the street by one of the cops, I'm now noticing there's guys wearing bulletproof vests, news vans and all that shit and by this point, I'm thinking to myself in the back of my head, "Wait a fucking minute! This shit's legit! HOLY SHIT, I GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!"

Great. So now, that part of town is now going to be a fucking three-ring circus over the next few weeks until all this shit's settled down and whoever it was that made that bomb threat's been caught. Hell, we'll be lucky to even go up that way now.

Anyways, I suppose that's enough rambling from me. I figured I'd leave this here to say, yeah, I'm still here. Just talking to myself again.

And with that, I'm outta here. See you guys next time.
 
Saturday Afternoon,
September 7th, 2019

Once more, I find myself having these restless thoughts in my mind. Where all I do is just sit and think to myself, have I really done everything there is that needed to be done, because it's all going to start up again tomorrow. Somewhere, one of the cats is gonna come screaming at my door to feed him, the dog's gonna have to go out, the bills need to be paid, and finally, some dumbass neighbor is gonna come knocking at our door for some reason or another asking for one thing, wanna talk about some stupid arbitrary bullshit about this person, that person, what one person did here, and continue to prattle on like it's the single most important thing in the world when in reality it really isn't. All it is is just nonsensical, irritating verbal diarrhea that no one ever wants to hear about. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of just listening to the literal white noise that comes out of their mouths. I'm tired of listening to the drama going on around this dead end hole in the wall. I'm tired of looking at the same faces around here that ask me the same stupid fucking questions. I'm tired of them calling up here at around 7:30 at night just as me and my mom are sitting down to a home cooked meal when from out of the blue, they wanna sit there and gab on like absolute broken records about the same goddamn thing.

But that's not all that I've gotten tired of.

Some people don't know it, but one of the most angering things you can do to me is if you talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot whenever I mess something up and you continue on about it long after the problem has died down or I fixed it up so it it doesn't look like an absolute travesty. Even whenever something goes completely off the track, I get looked at like everything's my fault and berated for everything that's wrong. So, I end up growing distant, even lowering my voice to a more calm, distant tone and just end up agreeing with everything that person said just to not only speed things along, but to also get myself away from them. Because goddammit, I'm tired of listening to their mouths. Because what the fuck is the point of even arguing my stance on things these days? No one's ever going to listen to what I have to say anyhow. All I can do is just sit there and be the comedy sideshow act for everyone to laugh at while I sit there and suffer in absolute silence when the reality of it was, I used to be the guy who would come up with plenty of zingers and knee slappers. Or even if I think of something to get you with, I end up holding back because it's not even worth it to say it. Like I said before, what's the point of it? What's the point of any of it? What's the point of anything if you can't be who you were supposed to be and then, I can just be on my merry little way and head on out that door the very next day because somewhere, somehow, there'll be something far more to do.

And then, it dawned on me. I've been locked into another routine. One I find myself hopelessly locked into. A perpetual hell that shows no sign of ending. And yet... I find myself thinking that I brought this onto myself because I did this out of the kindness of my own heart and that for one reason or another, it was something that needed to be done.

I just don't know what to think these days. But I do know one thing. I'm tired of being the punching bag whenever someone's got an issue with something I said, didn't say, did or didn't do. Some people need to be told to go fuck themselves and to leave me alone because I'm done hearing it. So go ahead. It's your show now. Call it the way you see it. But this time, I'm the one who's watching you. Not the other way around. If you bore me or piss me off any further than I already am, then don't expect me to hang around long, if at all. And afterwards... Just leave me alone. I'm tired of hearing it. I think that's what I'm gonna do, is just go back to sleep. There's really nothing for me to do that's even remotely interesting anymore. There's hardly anything worth watching on TV, anything worth playing these days, hell, even the music's all gone stale. There's literally nothing out there that I haven't already heard of, done, said, listened, watched or anything of the sort. This should come as no shock whatsoever whenever I say that even people these days have become boring and nauseating to listen to whenever they even open up their garbage infested sewers called their mouths and out comes nothing but sheer and utter trash. And the worst part still, is that there are times when you have to listen to it all unfold right before your very eyes and when you do, all you feel is nothing but the pit of where your soul used to be. Or maybe it's your stomach, look, I don't know. All I do know is that I'm tired of listening to other people's shit, including their drama, their plights, their follies, everything about them. Because the world doesn't revolve around them and they're not the only one with a problem on their hands. Whether they know this or not, everyone in the world has problems. Like for example with the recent emergence of Hurricane Dorian having wreaked havoc on the Bahamas? Or what about people suffering under the tyrannical bootheel of Communist North Korea, it's literally all over the world. So do us all a favor and quit making things about you and go the fuck away. Maybe even go solve your problems without bringing any of us into it.

I'm tired, people. Not the physical kind of tired, but you know where I'm going at with this, do you? Maybe you do, maybe you don't and that's fine. But at this point, I'm just rambling as I usually do. Feel free to ignore this and carry on.
 
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Early Morning,
September 9th, 2019

You know, here's what I don't get. Why is it that some people are so unwilling to let go of their suspension of disbelief and enjoy something for what it is, be it a movie, a video game, a book, maybe even an album from a band that you like? While I get that not everything is going to be everyone's cup of morning joe, why is it that every time that I either make a case of something about something that I like about a particular actor or a particular part of a song or something of that particular sort that I end up getting someone who comes ragging to me about why they don't like something?

Well here's something you could do if you don't like it so much. You could always make your own film, your own video game, your own band and market an album for whatever genre of music you intend on playing. While I get that that's not much of a counter argument, but at the same time, how else can I say it without coming off as a complete and total prick because you're being so goddamned hardheaded? And here's another thing. This same question I asked in the beginning can also be applied in reverse, because even if there's something you like that I don't, don't try to beat me over the head with it and try to conform me to it, because I will not stand for it. As a matter of fact, that will only drive me further and further away from you to the point where I refuse to even go even one step near that specific thing of interest.

Case in point. Elder Scrolls Online. Totally not going to play it, because someone didn't know if it had cross-play capability or not. While I get that how I called that one person hopeless in joking sarcasm might have been a little harsh, it wasn't meant with malice nor do I have any intention on being hurtful. But even then, I don't care who tries to convince me otherwise now because to be honest with you, I had a minimal interest with it at first. Now, I want nothing to do with ESO in general. Now guess what else has fallen onto the chopping block? Detective Pikachu. After two viewings of the film, I'm still of the opinion that it's not nearly as bad as some people claim it to be. I mean, sure, Ryan Reynolds wasn't exactly the first choice I would've gone with to head up the titular character, but for some reason, he gave a certain kind of snark and dry wit that I believe those with nostalgia blinders on can't seem to take off and are willing to give it a chance. And even then, even as I looked back at the original episode - in both Japanese and English versions, mind you - of Pokemon, I saw that Pikachu was in fact a similar prick of misery. So what was wrong with that, you wonder? Oh, it's only because when I hear this voice actor, all I hear is Deadpool. Blah blah blah.

Take off your fucking bias, disconnect the actor from what he's best known for and shut the everlasting fuck up and enjoy the fucking movie, twatwaffle and get your head out of your ass. But no, you continue to let your bias blind you so much that I refuse to see any further point in discussing it. And thanks to you and for those people who are so blinded by their anger about a voice actor or how a character was written, I now want nothing to do with anything Pokemon related. Whenever I see a Pikachu, a Squirtle, a Charmander, or whatever it is that the new generation has out there, I will immediately look at it with a look of disdain and disgust before being dissuaded away from it.

As a matter of fact, if you're unwilling to even try to suspend your disbelief for any period of time longer than anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour and a half, then I see no point in even being in the same room with you. I mean for fuck's sake, Mario, an Italian plumber is voiced by a fucking French guy, but he's known for much more beyond the WAHOOs and the saving of the princess from that overgrown turtle with spikes over his shell, I'm sure. Then you have Apu, an Indian Kwik-E-Mart store owner voiced by an Italian guy who's probably been in other roles as well. So... Why is it that people aren't willing to let go of something so minuscule and insignificant that it doesn't even matter in the long run? I know I won't get this answer since this is in the wrong section for thoughts like this, but the point still has to be asked. Why are you so unwilling to let go of things like this and just enjoy something for once without any form of stigma, bias or prejudice? Disconnect the actor or actress from what they were best known for and leave your biases at the door for a little while, will you? Just sit there, play the movie, play the game, watch the anime, whatever the fuck it is you like to do and leave me the fuck alone with my thoughts about it and let me enjoy it the way I like to do. Then again, fat fucking chance I'll ever watch another movie the same way ever again. If anything, I'll just stick to watching movies alone. At least I can be my own critic that way. Best part is, I won't have anyone to argue shit with, because I'm tired of idiots ruining shit like this for me.

So thanks, fuckwit. Thanks for killing off any further interest I had.
 
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Sunday Afternoon,
September 15th, 2019

I've said it before. I'm really loving this upward trend of people talking to me like I'm a fucking idiot who has no idea of what he's talking about or what he's doing, considering the fact that once again, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE YOU FUCKING DOLT. Seriously, I'm loving this thing called sweet irony. It just makes me want to slap you even more knowing you've proven me right once more that you were wrong, the problem could've been easily solved if you just let me handle it in my own way and then, you can look at yourself like you were the world's biggest asshole. Oh, but wait, here's the funnier thing. You say that people around you have gotten more and more bitchy with their attitudes, ha!

Have you taken a good hard look at yourself in the goddamn mirror as of recently?! And by that, I don't mean whenever you go to pick that peach fuzz off of your face, I mean really looking into the pit of your own soul and thought to yourself, "Wow... I really have changed."

But nah, it's cool. Really, it's fine. Just keep telling yourself that. Just keep telling yourself that everything's just fine, you have no attitude problem whatsoever and continue on your fucking merry way, you duplicitous cunt. Fuck you. But hey, do you think we can take this up another notch by the end of the next fiscal quarter? I'm feeling as though we're not going to meet our quota before then. Besides, I heard from the boss that we're gonna be downsizing.

And you wonder as to why I don't talk to you much after blowouts like that. This should be one of many reasons why and I hope that before the year is out, I end up getting out of here so you can have this little shitpit all to yourself. I was never really needed in the first place. I've been nothing but a fucking afterthought. So hey, you do you. You can just leave me the fuck out of everything else and you go do whatever it is you wanna do.

Wait until I get back to work. I've had it with this fucking waiting around bullshit.
 
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