Tuesday Afternoon,
December 15th, 2015
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FMJb7qC6Pk
Yep. I've been thinkin' again.
And what's on my mind this time pertains to a couple of things. One of which is that I'm getting the feeling that after this year, my mother and I are probably going to be making ourselves pretty fucking scarce to a lot of people who have been so "kind" enough to have "helped" us when we were down and out all this past year. I know I've said this time and time again, but this is all that I can think about. Everyone could've done so much to have helped us along in the right direction, but they never did.
But when it was my mother who fell seriously ill with pneumonia and was - at her emphatic request - to be intubated, only my brother and my two cousins came a running, with one of them attempting to take my name off of the Emergency Contact list and put hers in. I personally have no idea as to what she was attempting to accomplish by doing so, but if it was to kick me out of the loop, then allow me to make this statement by saying she has another thing coming. True, she is like a daughter to my mom, even more than her own mother was to her. But that doesn't mean jack shit in the grand scheme of things, when you take into consideration for the fact that she is not blood-related to any of us.
And even if she did attempt to get my name off and put hers in, she would still have to deal with my brother anyway, who would instead pull a reversal on it and put my name back on where it should be.
But that's neither here nor there now, so allow me to get to the next subject.
I've got no love for people who've essentially just given up on themselves nowadays. I have no sympathy for anybody who've felt as though that all hope is lost and they might as well just piss it all away for just a few minutes of simple pleasure. And it's such a shame for one certain individual I'd like to name. This guy was going to be our landlord, but because of certain legal obligations and financial conditions, he's got so much fucking baggage on him, it's an idea that would only end in disaster. Plus with him fucking around with some other chick behind my mother's back - more than likely since - after we left his place back in May, I'd be the first person to say that this guy has reduced himself to that of a scumbag now.
I'd wish it didn't happen to a guy like him, but unfortunately, he made the wrong choices in his life, and as such, he's the one who's going to undoubtedly end up paying the price for it. And if you think ma's going to help him out of this mess, allow me to answer back with a question of my own.
Why should she?
What would make her even think of this after some of the things I've seen and told her about? The fact that he gets himself drunk day in and day out, as soon as the morning sun rises then sets, I've seen him with a beer in his hand, guzzling down wine glass after wine glass and this has been going on for a number of days now.
Again. Why should I feel any sympathy for people like this? Why should she even do the same? Just... Why?
What makes them so special that they are even deserving of a handout? Or rather...
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL?
I can ask this of anybody these days. What did they do to deserve anything from me, of all people? What makes them think they're even remotely deserving of anything when all this past year, I've had little to nothing to my name. So no. No one is getting a damn thing from me. Not now, not tomorrow and probably never again. I mean sure, I'll pop up every once in a while and say hello, but after I've said my pleasantries, that's it. I don't want to hear another peep out of anybody, as it's all useless noise.
Useless. Fucking. Noise.
As heartless as this may sound, but if anybody in my shoes were to have seen this all unfolding before their own eyes; the amount of backstabbing, the amount of people who've we've seen basically turn around and walk away from us, the lack of anything resembling what would've been a cohesive family unit? I'd bet you dollars to doughtnuts that you'd feel the absolute same.
But as I think about it still, I'd think that you as the reader aren't much different from me, even if you come from a different walk of life than I do. There's always someone - or a group of people - who ends up running for the hills the exact instant there's trouble instead of gutting it out with you by your side.
I've had to stick it out with my mother for a number of years on a number of different occasions now. I've been there through the best times and I've been there for her during the worst of times. Hell, I damn near just gave up and just walked away when I hit my absolute low. But no. I had to dig my heels in and held as fast as I could, gritting my teeth with more than enough effort to break them all and in the end, it was all worth it.
I just wished everyone else in my family had seen that. But of course, no one will. And again. Why should they when they've done nothing themselves? I can go on and on about this, but when I think about it, all I'm doing is just wasting my breath.
I suppose I'm still feeling mighty jaded after everything that's happened. That maybe my trust with them has been shattered. And yet, I don't even care.
I suppose I might as well get going for now. I've got a lot to think about.