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The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Late Night,
December 26th, 2023

Christmas pretty much came and went with the quickness. To be honest with you, I'm pretty okay with that. The Christmas Eve dinner I went to was pretty nice, considering I was surrounded by people who never even met me before, or even knew who I was, but at least I hoped I left a good impression on them, even if I pretty much stayed out of the way of most of them.

Christmas Day, though... It would turn out to be entirely different. It was basically an affirmation that both me and my mother weren't really meant to be there at her place when we were invited to come down, especially when one of my aunts' kid took a seat that I was meant to be in, but it's whatever. When that happened, I tapped my mom on the shoulder and said I'm going out for a smoke, but even I think she knew I didn't want to be there. Somehow, I think even she picked up on what I really thought when I came back in and she was pulling up a set of plates for the both of us to take upstairs and then stay up there.

I'd say that I'm ready for the new year to begin with something new, but to be honest, I'm just not getting my hopes up, because I know full well it's only just going to start up again the same way as it did before. Usually, there'll be some dick, some yobbo, some goggywoggle who'll get it in their head that someone did something somewhere and want you to entirely believe them and to not ask questions about it, no matter how suspicious their intentions are. Then there's those stupid, vapid slug human beings that want you to do everything for them and never mind what you're doing. You're supposed to drop everything that you're doing to tend to them.

But I get it, Journal. I know I'm trying like hell to break this cycle and maybe get away from it all, but I just get dragged back into it no matter how hard I try.
So what do I do? I suppose I'll just keep on trying, I guess. I know I'll get there at some point, and when I do, I'm gonna be such a ghost, and I never - ever - want to be anywhere near these people again. Maybe it'll happen by the start of the new year. Maybe a couple months in. I don't know. I'm just tired of waiting, is all.

Speaking of tired, I suppose I might as well head off. I've bored you enough as it is, Journal. And to the two people that peruse this on accident, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Take care.
 
Midnight,
June 14th, 2024

Hello, Blue Moon. Sorry that I've been gone for so long, but then again, you know me by now. Sometimes life decides to take a massive shit in my dinner from time to time, so what makes this any different? And I know I'd said in the past that I wouldn't make this a habitual thing for you old man, but... It's been seven years since you've been gone. Again, I know you'll ask me what makes this any different, but lemme explain.

Your life insurance policy was found by your sister some seven years back, and for six of those years, she had been hanging onto it for some reason before she then got in touch with mom about it saying she can't use it, since it had both me, mom and RJ's name on it. So, she got it from her, verified it's authenticity and shit through AIG and after about... Maybe a year and some change, the paperwork's gone through, the checks are coming or rather, one came for mom and now we're just waiting on the ones for me and RJ. For that reason, I suppose I can thank you for that.

Of course, the problem with it all, is that during all of this, RJ's been turning into a massive superdouche about it, thinking it's a scam, where's the proof of this, blah blah blah, despite the fact he knew that mom talked to one of the general managers about this, AIG itself is rated on the Better Business Bureau, it's traded on the New York Stock Exchange, it's not exactly a secret to everybody. It's out there, everybody knows what it is and that this shit takes time. What RJ doesn't seem to know, however, is that in times like this before, though, is that when her father died years ago, that shit took time for everything to clear and be done and over with. So why isn't he doing the same in at least being patient and learning when to shut the fuck up about it or like I'm doing, not giving a shit about it and just... Learning to accept that it's not going to come right away?

But hey, who knows, I'm the one who's at fault for everything. Like hey, guys! You know that John F. Kennedy guy that people liked to harp on so much back in the 1960s? Yeah, I was the one who shot him in the face and then blamed it on the other guy who then got shot by the Mafia. You know about Archduke Ferdinand? Same deal. Yeah, I inadvertently caused World War 1 to start. Oh yeah, and I also crashed a car into the only Dairy Queen in Great Britain, too. Yep. All of it was my fault. I'm the bad guy like I always fucking am.

Case you couldn't tell, that was all sarcasm.

But no, here's the thing about all this. I wasn't the one who quit his job like a total fuckwit when I heard about this. I wasn't the one who got married in some 700 year old castle out in fucking Scotland, had our rings brought to us by a trained owl, went to see Emilie Autumn out in the UK, only then to then have the same wife get a degree out in UCLA, only to then continue her education out in Seattle of all fucking places, the same Seattle where by the way was the epicenter of the 2020 "Summer of Love" which had "fiery but mostly peaceful" protests going on out there. Yeah, those decisions weren't made by me, you half-brained fucking asshole. You meat-headed trog. You whiny, bitchy, spoiled fucking man-child. You're 43 and this is how you're choosing to act now? This is fucking embarrassing coming from you. You know, maybe Uncle Tommy had a point to prove to the old man then about how much he fucked up before he drew his last breath, because you're walking in the same exact vein as he is. Maybe not through drunken, bleary or drug-addled eyeballs, but just the same. You've fucked up in so many ways that I can't even begin to count them all.

But you know, I can't hold it all against you. I know you're strapped for cash right now, but then again, I realize that it's never been all about you, because guess what, dipshit? Everyone's got problems, not just you. So why aren't you getting up off your fat ass and doing something about it? Oh wait, how silly of me, I keep forgetting that everything's still my fault. I'm the brainwashed one here. I'm delusional for believing all of this even if I've seen the blue AIG folder that ma has, I read all the documents therein, I looked them up online and confirmed for myself in seeing that dispersal payments of the near $300,000 we're getting apiece could take months, years or even upwards of a fucking decade to be released and then another two weeks to be cleared at a bank of some kind. You're forgetting there's a fucking process at work, genius. Not everything is going to come at the drop of a hat. As a matter of fact, you should be goddamn lucky we're even getting this at all, you fucking worm. You fucking parasite. You fucking blemish on the ass of life. You cad. You weasel. You fucking coward. You fucking charlatan. You twatfaced, cum-shitting, piss-faced fucking cunt-swab. You dimple pimpled, pus-spewing, blood gutted, cockup, fish-faced, dewberry apple-john.

But you know what, though? You take your money and I hope you use it responsibly. Because the minute you run out of it, I don't ever want to hear a word from you, because at this point in my life RJ, I don't want to hear a fucking peep from you. I'm that done with you. Ever since that night in Woonsocket when you had me leave the house because you wanted a private night with Ashley, only for then to see my ass sleep under a tree near the old folks home only to then jet out of there by the asscrack of dawn to get back to town, I have always hated you for that. Auntie Ma, yeah, sure, I may even have some beef with her about it, but not as much as I do have with you. And no, I will never forgive you for that, because as far as I know, all I saw from you was nothing but crocodile tears. You didn't regret anything. You didn't regret any of it.

Well, all I got to say at this point is that you had better start praying for every single second of me and ma's life now, because after we're gone, you'll have no one to blame all your shortcomings on other than yourself, ASSHOLE. So enjoy whatever pitiful part of your life you have left, because it's all downhill from there, and I want nothing to do with you.

But I know you'll come looking for me with your hand out. I know you will. You always have. You always will. You'll always ask for too much than your hands can't hold and then from there, the only thing you'll get from me is a slam of the door in your face, because I know who you are now. I can see right through you as plainly as the yellow sun hangs in the sky and you're as transparent as fucking saran wrap. Now go get fucked.

...Sorry if this turned into a bitchfest, old man. It's just... I had a lot of grievances to air out. I've had a lot of time thinking about this off and on to a point where I just chose to not care about it anymore and I needed to just put this to a written format before I ended up wanting to strangle someone half to death and beat them senseless.

Now that I have... I think by morning, I'm just gonna find some music to listen to and just let the day go by. I don't want to be asked any questions. I don't want to listen to someone's commentary over a movie. I don't want to hear it from anyone. All I want to do is just be left alone. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And that's where I'm leaving it for now.

Until then, Journal.
 
Monday Morning,
September 16th, 2024

It's just like I said. I want nothing to do with my brother anymore. Ever since this life insurance payout was a thing back in December of last year, all my brother has been doing is either remaining skeptical about it, even if it came straight from AIG of which I've seen that big blue folder bearing the company's name, read the papers, seen the amounts and so on and so forth, all it's been has been one clusterfuck after another with him.

Up until a few days ago, he was approachable about it, even I asked the necessary questions regarding this, wondering if I had to confer with a lawyer about what to do and how to go about this, but mom reassured me that things would go smoothly as long as I'm patient about it, which I have been. On the other hand, I got to a point where I just didn't care about it. I know it'll come when mom's ready.

My brother on the other hand. was not as patient about it. Instead, he throws another bitchfit as of a few days ago and decided to sue my mother for what he's owed, even though ma was ready to give it to him anyway.

Like I said. I want nothing to do with him anymore. So, what'd ya think I ended up doing? I took him off of everything: Facebook, Twitter, Discord and left his server, anything that connected me to him was all taken off, blocked and otherwise completely shut off because as of this point in time, I could give less than two shits about him anymore. He wanted to go this route. This is entirely his decision and mine is the justifiable recourse by burning every single bridge there could be. If this is how he wants to go about things from this point forth, then there is no going back.

Perhaps that was what that tarot reading meant by "letting go", especially when one of the cards that came up was The Hanged Man. And you know what? I'm okay with that now. Because as far as I'm concerned, literally everything that my brother has been over the course of the near 40 years of my life with him has been nothing shy of one headache after another, one heartache after the next and way too much of a fucking hassle to even bother. More to the point on this, I can also see that whoever came up with the phrase, "blood is always thicker than water" was actually full of shit and as far as money was concerned, it rules over everything to the point of pure corruption.

I dunno. Maybe having this is another sign that maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of cash, because if it turns me into that, then maybe I just don't want it. Or at least... Maybe not right now? I don't know anymore. I'm tired of this and I just want this whole thing to be put into my rear view mirror as soon as possible so I can get on with my life.

And RJ, I hope you can live with the decision you've made, because after this, you're never going to see me again. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

That'll do it for now. I'm done.

Until next time, Journal.
 
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Monday Evening,
October 7th, 2024

Huh. Almost forgot that 10 years ago, somewhere around this time... I'd have been getting tossed out of that dingy little ramshackle piece of shit house in Manton Avenue. And I remember that I upper-decked the toilet by taking a piss in it since the landlord at the time pulled a double-cross on us. I almost would've forgotten about that entirely... And on that fateful morning when we got the last of our things, I gave one of my little cousins a big hug and lifted her up onto my big ol' belly at the time while one of my older ones too a picture because of how sweet it was.

And to think. Ten years later... Ten years later it'd all lead to this. I don't hear from her much these days after that whole shitstorm between my mom and her brother Lucien over that damn TV and to be honest, I'm just fine with that. I really am. That, and well, his eventual passing. But then again, when his last text message was shorthand for "eat shit and die", followed then by trying to threaten me with my job at the time, I suppose there's that. But then again, he's dead, so why should I care? I know you'll say that maybe it's high time to let things like that go, but after being pretty much left for dead by everyone or even if we were given some form of help, it wasn't much, I still harbor some major sore spots from that whole ordeal. I still even remember the time when we had no power for the longest time and the only things we could even remotely do to even get anywhere was rely on complete and total strangers of whom we never even met just to lend a helping hand.

And that's how it's been for most of my life; having to rely on others instead of my own ill-gotten family. That you can't trust anyone for as far as you can throw 'em and that they'll come back and cut your throat if you aren't looking at them for more than 30 seconds.

None of that matters matters anymore, though. That was ten years ago, and... I suppose the two of you that still read this on accident have all been here to see it all chronicled in all of its sordid detail. As for how I'm doing ten years later, I suppose I've been doing alright even with all these sore spots I still carry with me these days,

Ehh. I got nothing more to say, so I guess I'll head off for now.
 
Late Night,
October 13th, 2024

Had to know RJ would soon change his attitude. It's just too bad his apology means nothing to me, since this has been how he has for all of this time. Whenever something happens to him, he's quick to lash out at everything and everyone around him and blame you for his shortcomings. I mean, I could buy the fact that his married life has been kinda shitty, but was that any excuse to blow up at ma for the fact that she had something important to tell him, and all she wanted from him was just his address? Or even insulting me?

Nah. I made it clear to ma that did not want his apology. I don't want his forgiveness. I don't want a thing more from him. That ship has long since set sail and I am not pulling it back to port. When I said it to my mother then, I am sticking to that point and I will follow it to its very end, however the fuck long it takes. If it takes until the end of my natural born life, then so be it. You were the one who burnt that bridge, RJ, and if you think I'm dumb enough to extend that bridge out to you, then you are sorely mistaken. See, you think I don't keep track of those times when you've been a shitheel, but I do. Oh, but I'm the "delusional" one, remember? Then here's what I got to say in retort.

If I'm as delusional as you say I am, then you're fucking insane. Then again, maybe I am delusional. I'm delusional in thinking that I'd even think about wanting to trust a thing out of your mouth ever again.

You're closed off to me, RJ. You're done. And no, I will not reopen any further dialogue with you ever again. If you wanna talk to me, then you go to mom.

I'm done.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Have a good life, you fucking prick.

Short thought, but I'm just not having it tonight.

I'm out.
 
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