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The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Late Night,
December 26th, 2023

Christmas pretty much came and went with the quickness. To be honest with you, I'm pretty okay with that. The Christmas Eve dinner I went to was pretty nice, considering I was surrounded by people who never even met me before, or even knew who I was, but at least I hoped I left a good impression on them, even if I pretty much stayed out of the way of most of them.

Christmas Day, though... It would turn out to be entirely different. It was basically an affirmation that both me and my mother weren't really meant to be there at her place when we were invited to come down, especially when one of my aunts' kid took a seat that I was meant to be in, but it's whatever. When that happened, I tapped my mom on the shoulder and said I'm going out for a smoke, but even I think she knew I didn't want to be there. Somehow, I think even she picked up on what I really thought when I came back in and she was pulling up a set of plates for the both of us to take upstairs and then stay up there.

I'd say that I'm ready for the new year to begin with something new, but to be honest, I'm just not getting my hopes up, because I know full well it's only just going to start up again the same way as it did before. Usually, there'll be some dick, some yobbo, some goggywoggle who'll get it in their head that someone did something somewhere and want you to entirely believe them and to not ask questions about it, no matter how suspicious their intentions are. Then there's those stupid, vapid slug human beings that want you to do everything for them and never mind what you're doing. You're supposed to drop everything that you're doing to tend to them.

But I get it, Journal. I know I'm trying like hell to break this cycle and maybe get away from it all, but I just get dragged back into it no matter how hard I try.
So what do I do? I suppose I'll just keep on trying, I guess. I know I'll get there at some point, and when I do, I'm gonna be such a ghost, and I never - ever - want to be anywhere near these people again. Maybe it'll happen by the start of the new year. Maybe a couple months in. I don't know. I'm just tired of waiting, is all.

Speaking of tired, I suppose I might as well head off. I've bored you enough as it is, Journal. And to the two people that peruse this on accident, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Take care.
 
Midnight,
June 14th, 2024

Hello, Blue Moon. Sorry that I've been gone for so long, but then again, you know me by now. Sometimes life decides to take a massive shit in my dinner from time to time, so what makes this any different? And I know I'd said in the past that I wouldn't make this a habitual thing for you old man, but... It's been seven years since you've been gone. Again, I know you'll ask me what makes this any different, but lemme explain.

Your life insurance policy was found by your sister some seven years back, and for six of those years, she had been hanging onto it for some reason before she then got in touch with mom about it saying she can't use it, since it had both me, mom and RJ's name on it. So, she got it from her, verified it's authenticity and shit through AIG and after about... Maybe a year and some change, the paperwork's gone through, the checks are coming or rather, one came for mom and now we're just waiting on the ones for me and RJ. For that reason, I suppose I can thank you for that.

Of course, the problem with it all, is that during all of this, RJ's been turning into a massive superdouche about it, thinking it's a scam, where's the proof of this, blah blah blah, despite the fact he knew that mom talked to one of the general managers about this, AIG itself is rated on the Better Business Bureau, it's traded on the New York Stock Exchange, it's not exactly a secret to everybody. It's out there, everybody knows what it is and that this shit takes time. What RJ doesn't seem to know, however, is that in times like this before, though, is that when her father died years ago, that shit took time for everything to clear and be done and over with. So why isn't he doing the same in at least being patient and learning when to shut the fuck up about it or like I'm doing, not giving a shit about it and just... Learning to accept that it's not going to come right away?

But hey, who knows, I'm the one who's at fault for everything. Like hey, guys! You know that John F. Kennedy guy that people liked to harp on so much back in the 1960s? Yeah, I was the one who shot him in the face and then blamed it on the other guy who then got shot by the Mafia. You know about Archduke Ferdinand? Same deal. Yeah, I inadvertently caused World War 1 to start. Oh yeah, and I also crashed a car into the only Dairy Queen in Great Britain, too. Yep. All of it was my fault. I'm the bad guy like I always fucking am.

Case you couldn't tell, that was all sarcasm.

But no, here's the thing about all this. I wasn't the one who quit his job like a total fuckwit when I heard about this. I wasn't the one who got married in some 700 year old castle out in fucking Scotland, had our rings brought to us by a trained owl, went to see Emilie Autumn out in the UK, only then to then have the same wife get a degree out in UCLA, only to then continue her education out in Seattle of all fucking places, the same Seattle where by the way was the epicenter of the 2020 "Summer of Love" which had "fiery but mostly peaceful" protests going on out there. Yeah, those decisions weren't made by me, you half-brained fucking asshole. You meat-headed trog. You whiny, bitchy, spoiled fucking man-child. You're 43 and this is how you're choosing to act now? This is fucking embarrassing coming from you. You know, maybe Uncle Tommy had a point to prove to the old man then about how much he fucked up before he drew his last breath, because you're walking in the same exact vein as he is. Maybe not through drunken, bleary or drug-addled eyeballs, but just the same. You've fucked up in so many ways that I can't even begin to count them all.

But you know, I can't hold it all against you. I know you're strapped for cash right now, but then again, I realize that it's never been all about you, because guess what, dipshit? Everyone's got problems, not just you. So why aren't you getting up off your fat ass and doing something about it? Oh wait, how silly of me, I keep forgetting that everything's still my fault. I'm the brainwashed one here. I'm delusional for believing all of this even if I've seen the blue AIG folder that ma has, I read all the documents therein, I looked them up online and confirmed for myself in seeing that dispersal payments of the near $300,000 we're getting apiece could take months, years or even upwards of a fucking decade to be released and then another two weeks to be cleared at a bank of some kind. You're forgetting there's a fucking process at work, genius. Not everything is going to come at the drop of a hat. As a matter of fact, you should be goddamn lucky we're even getting this at all, you fucking worm. You fucking parasite. You fucking blemish on the ass of life. You cad. You weasel. You fucking coward. You fucking charlatan. You twatfaced, cum-shitting, piss-faced fucking cunt-swab. You dimple pimpled, pus-spewing, blood gutted, cockup, fish-faced, dewberry apple-john.

But you know what, though? You take your money and I hope you use it responsibly. Because the minute you run out of it, I don't ever want to hear a word from you, because at this point in my life RJ, I don't want to hear a fucking peep from you. I'm that done with you. Ever since that night in Woonsocket when you had me leave the house because you wanted a private night with Ashley, only for then to see my ass sleep under a tree near the old folks home only to then jet out of there by the asscrack of dawn to get back to town, I have always hated you for that. Auntie Ma, yeah, sure, I may even have some beef with her about it, but not as much as I do have with you. And no, I will never forgive you for that, because as far as I know, all I saw from you was nothing but crocodile tears. You didn't regret anything. You didn't regret any of it.

Well, all I got to say at this point is that you had better start praying for every single second of me and ma's life now, because after we're gone, you'll have no one to blame all your shortcomings on other than yourself, ASSHOLE. So enjoy whatever pitiful part of your life you have left, because it's all downhill from there, and I want nothing to do with you.

But I know you'll come looking for me with your hand out. I know you will. You always have. You always will. You'll always ask for too much than your hands can't hold and then from there, the only thing you'll get from me is a slam of the door in your face, because I know who you are now. I can see right through you as plainly as the yellow sun hangs in the sky and you're as transparent as fucking saran wrap. Now go get fucked.

...Sorry if this turned into a bitchfest, old man. It's just... I had a lot of grievances to air out. I've had a lot of time thinking about this off and on to a point where I just chose to not care about it anymore and I needed to just put this to a written format before I ended up wanting to strangle someone half to death and beat them senseless.

Now that I have... I think by morning, I'm just gonna find some music to listen to and just let the day go by. I don't want to be asked any questions. I don't want to listen to someone's commentary over a movie. I don't want to hear it from anyone. All I want to do is just be left alone. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And that's where I'm leaving it for now.

Until then, Journal.
 
Monday Morning,
September 16th, 2024

It's just like I said. I want nothing to do with my brother anymore. Ever since this life insurance payout was a thing back in December of last year, all my brother has been doing is either remaining skeptical about it, even if it came straight from AIG of which I've seen that big blue folder bearing the company's name, read the papers, seen the amounts and so on and so forth, all it's been has been one clusterfuck after another with him.

Up until a few days ago, he was approachable about it, even I asked the necessary questions regarding this, wondering if I had to confer with a lawyer about what to do and how to go about this, but mom reassured me that things would go smoothly as long as I'm patient about it, which I have been. On the other hand, I got to a point where I just didn't care about it. I know it'll come when mom's ready.

My brother on the other hand. was not as patient about it. Instead, he throws another bitchfit as of a few days ago and decided to sue my mother for what he's owed, even though ma was ready to give it to him anyway.

Like I said. I want nothing to do with him anymore. So, what'd ya think I ended up doing? I took him off of everything: Facebook, Twitter, Discord and left his server, anything that connected me to him was all taken off, blocked and otherwise completely shut off because as of this point in time, I could give less than two shits about him anymore. He wanted to go this route. This is entirely his decision and mine is the justifiable recourse by burning every single bridge there could be. If this is how he wants to go about things from this point forth, then there is no going back.

Perhaps that was what that tarot reading meant by "letting go", especially when one of the cards that came up was The Hanged Man. And you know what? I'm okay with that now. Because as far as I'm concerned, literally everything that my brother has been over the course of the near 40 years of my life with him has been nothing shy of one headache after another, one heartache after the next and way too much of a fucking hassle to even bother. More to the point on this, I can also see that whoever came up with the phrase, "blood is always thicker than water" was actually full of shit and as far as money was concerned, it rules over everything to the point of pure corruption.

I dunno. Maybe having this is another sign that maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of cash, because if it turns me into that, then maybe I just don't want it. Or at least... Maybe not right now? I don't know anymore. I'm tired of this and I just want this whole thing to be put into my rear view mirror as soon as possible so I can get on with my life.

And RJ, I hope you can live with the decision you've made, because after this, you're never going to see me again. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

That'll do it for now. I'm done.

Until next time, Journal.
 
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Monday Evening,
October 7th, 2024

Huh. Almost forgot that 10 years ago, somewhere around this time... I'd have been getting tossed out of that dingy little ramshackle piece of shit house in Manton Avenue. And I remember that I upper-decked the toilet by taking a piss in it since the landlord at the time pulled a double-cross on us. I almost would've forgotten about that entirely... And on that fateful morning when we got the last of our things, I gave one of my little cousins a big hug and lifted her up onto my big ol' belly at the time while one of my older ones too a picture because of how sweet it was.

And to think. Ten years later... Ten years later it'd all lead to this. I don't hear from her much these days after that whole shitstorm between my mom and her brother Lucien over that damn TV and to be honest, I'm just fine with that. I really am. That, and well, his eventual passing. But then again, when his last text message was shorthand for "eat shit and die", followed then by trying to threaten me with my job at the time, I suppose there's that. But then again, he's dead, so why should I care? I know you'll say that maybe it's high time to let things like that go, but after being pretty much left for dead by everyone or even if we were given some form of help, it wasn't much, I still harbor some major sore spots from that whole ordeal. I still even remember the time when we had no power for the longest time and the only things we could even remotely do to even get anywhere was rely on complete and total strangers of whom we never even met just to lend a helping hand.

And that's how it's been for most of my life; having to rely on others instead of my own ill-gotten family. That you can't trust anyone for as far as you can throw 'em and that they'll come back and cut your throat if you aren't looking at them for more than 30 seconds.

None of that matters matters anymore, though. That was ten years ago, and... I suppose the two of you that still read this on accident have all been here to see it all chronicled in all of its sordid detail. As for how I'm doing ten years later, I suppose I've been doing alright even with all these sore spots I still carry with me these days,

Ehh. I got nothing more to say, so I guess I'll head off for now.
 
Late Night,
October 13th, 2024

Had to know RJ would soon change his attitude. It's just too bad his apology means nothing to me, since this has been how he has for all of this time. Whenever something happens to him, he's quick to lash out at everything and everyone around him and blame you for his shortcomings. I mean, I could buy the fact that his married life has been kinda shitty, but was that any excuse to blow up at ma for the fact that she had something important to tell him, and all she wanted from him was just his address? Or even insulting me?

Nah. I made it clear to ma that did not want his apology. I don't want his forgiveness. I don't want a thing more from him. That ship has long since set sail and I am not pulling it back to port. When I said it to my mother then, I am sticking to that point and I will follow it to its very end, however the fuck long it takes. If it takes until the end of my natural born life, then so be it. You were the one who burnt that bridge, RJ, and if you think I'm dumb enough to extend that bridge out to you, then you are sorely mistaken. See, you think I don't keep track of those times when you've been a shitheel, but I do. Oh, but I'm the "delusional" one, remember? Then here's what I got to say in retort.

If I'm as delusional as you say I am, then you're fucking insane. Then again, maybe I am delusional. I'm delusional in thinking that I'd even think about wanting to trust a thing out of your mouth ever again.

You're closed off to me, RJ. You're done. And no, I will not reopen any further dialogue with you ever again. If you wanna talk to me, then you go to mom.

I'm done.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Have a good life, you fucking prick.

Short thought, but I'm just not having it tonight.

I'm out.
 
Monday Afternoon,
December 2nd, 2024

Hey old man. Sorry if I missed your birthday yesterday, but... I didn't wanna bother you, consider it's understood. I know you're not here anymore and me, I'm where I am. I only just wanted to talk, is all.

So I guess you might have known about the fallout between me and RJ after all that's happened. That I decided to never speak to him again after what he put ma through and how he talked to me. And you know something, I'm starting to understand why you did the things you did to him. I don't agree with it, no, but in some weird cosmic irony, he's going down the same path of being an asshole like you were.

No, I know you're not a saint either, but I'm just saying I understand it all now. None of us were. Not you. Not me. Not ma. Not RJ. Nobody. But we did what we had to in order to keep ourselves afloat. Of course, you might have also known ma's with this guy that's been here for about eight months now. In some way, he reminds me a lot of what you were whenever you got shitfaced drunk in every aspect of it, and to be honest with you, I don't exactly hate it, but it just reminds me of those days when I was younger, and how I would just retreat into the sanctity of my room and just disappear for the entire day. Or if I had school, I'd just shrink off into the corner after all my studies were done and just put on music, load up a game I brought to Bradley that day, or dink around on the computer - funny how that turned out now, when I think on it - and just fade away from everything and everyone.

And suddenly, I'm reminded of a quote from BoJack Horsemann, except I can reword it.

My father is dead and everything is worse now.

My father is dead and everything is worse now.

My father is dead and everything is worse now.

I'm basically being kept as a convenience. Nobody ever talks to me. Nobody even remotely cares about the things I do for people. Nobody even acknowledges my presence. Nobody even remotely shows any form of concern. Nobody even knows I even exist unless I come out of my little hole in the ground I've somehow carved out for myself. More to the point, no matter what I try to do, everything is either met with a question, irritation and/or just brushing me away like I've meant nothing to anyone. To be honest with you dad, I think I see the other point where you just hated to be bothered with anything and you just wanted to be left alone.

Was that it was, old man? It might not have been, but I'm just asking questions that I know I'll never get the answer for now, and I'm actually okay with knowing that. I'm okay with it all. I'm also okay with just being invisible. A shadow nobody sees unless if it's out the corner of their peripheral vision and even then, it's never seen again after that. Like, oh, it's just a figment of my imagination.

...What's the point. What's the use.

I suppose I rambled enough. Sorry for bothering you, dad.
 
Monday Night,
December 23rd, 2024

I don't expect much from this coming Christmas. Matter of fact, I don't expect much out of anyone this year or the ones that'll come soon after this one.

All I know I do want from this point forth is to just enjoy the quiet solitude that the winter chills provides. To be left alone to watch the impending snowfalls as they come down outside of my window and to just be left alone. And honestly, that's all I'll be fine with. Furthermore, after the backstabbings I've dealt with over the years, the pushing away, the brushoffs, the being told to just go away and all that? I think I can live with the fact I still never amounted to much from anyone in any form of capacity.

What I am happy with, however, is that after a couple of months, the second cat named Stormy that I thought to have died out there is actually safe and back home again. I simply followed the Dog Officer's instructions about what to do after getting a shirt from ma, threw it into the cage, mixed up some wet and dry food, put it all together and then she set the cage in an inconspicuous enough of a location behind the dumpster where we'd hope that Stormy would be caught inside of it. About 5:00 in the evening, I was just thinking of checking the cage and went downstairs with my phone in my pocket and when I get out to behind it, I of course turn it on, when at first as I checked the cage, I seen that there was a familiar looking fuzzy foot in there, and at first, I was thinking, nah, that's gotta be either another cat or maybe something else got in there.

I look again, and there's Stormy's face looking up at me as if to say, "Heeeeeeey! Lemme outta here!" So, I first run upstairs and dart into my bedroom and grab a blanket, because that was what the Dog Officer told me to do, run down back and wrap Stormy up while she was still in the cage before hauling her back up, but not before I look at her and say, "You are in so much trouble when I get you home, little lady!"

It's been a couple weeks since then, and she... Looked a bit dingy looking. I dunno what it was she got into out there, but it can't have been clean. Not to mention she looked a bit leaner looking, too. And of course, soon as she was let out of the cage, she's been at mom's side nonstop. I was worried maybe she might have gotten hurt or sick with rabies or something, but no. Most she had to deal with was an upper respiratory infection, since she had snot coming out of her eyes that needed to be cleaned off periodically, but otherwise, she's safe. She's home. She's doing much better now. She might need to go in for a checkup at some point to ensure that, but that's literally it in a nutshell. Of course, Salem wasn't exactly too thrilled to see her, which leads me to suspect she might have been the reason Stormy went missing when those two jokers somehow got out of the window all those months ago. Salem's come around a bit since then, but... I have my suspicions.

So I suppose there's a little light that's peeked through the massive dark cloud that looms over my head. It doesn't mean I don't feel less of a disappointment than what I feel still, but even then, it just feels that way. I also don't feel any more at-home here than I have in the over 10 months since this guy named Carlos has entered my mom's life. The thing is, this guy has been an absolute idiot. He has no idea how to do anything on his own, and even if I were to say anything remotely negative towards him, he immediately flips his shit and bitches to my mother about it who then proceeds to chew me out for it all.

But hey. It's cool. Like I said before, I never really felt like this was my home to begin with. So when the option comes to share a house together with him, my immediate answer is going to be no. I'd rather just find another apartment that I can be in on my own and that's that. I'll probably even take one of the cats - or both, since they're sisters - with me and then once everything's all said and done, all my accounts are squared away with mom and my brother - whom I still haven't spoken to since the 13th of September - all I want to do is just find somewhere to hole up in and then disappear into the void where I belong and just live my life with no one to look over my shoulder, to ask me for a favor, to ask me for even a cup of sugar, or for anything.

I'm done with people. My tolerance for stupid bullshit has reached its limit and all I want to do now is to just pick up my stakes and then move on.

To where? Only I'll know. I'll still keep in contact if I need anything, but I doubt that I will or if anyone would even answer. I know my cousins won't. I know my brother won't. Mom? I dunno. She's got her happiness now. I'm not needed anymore. My purpose has been fulfilled. My obligations are complete. I'm just done. I have nothing left to prove to anyone. I have no other business to conduct. Everything's written in stone. The ink's dried. The story's been written. The race has been run. The end has begun to show itself to me. And all I gotta do is just walk forward and don't look back. How it all ends? I don't know. I just know it won't end here in this godforsaken place. I think I've made my peace with that.

Beyond that? I dunno. We'll just have to wait and see.

I suppose that'll do it for now.

Until then, Journal.
 
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