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The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Monday Afternoon,
November 16th, 2020

Something's been up with me over the past few weeks... Not sure if I like it any. I don't know if it's been because I've not been sleeping or eating right, but there's been times when I've been winding down a lot harder and faster than normal. Then there was that time when before I went out to vote, I had just gotten out of the shower when all of a sudden, something just did not feel right. Once again, that feeling of drifting off, sounds were getting muffled, that feeling of either nearly shitting myself and/or puking and my eyesight was growing dim... I don't know what brought all that out. The weird thing was, I was just in there having a nice relaxing shower, get myself all cleaned off and whatever and then from out of the blue, that happened. I just know that afterwards, I felt really tired and it's been plaguing me ever since then. Otherwise, I've been generally okay. I nod off at weird moments and times, but otherwise, it's nothing really to write home about.

I don't know how it happened or what it was that caused it to happen beforehand, but I'm not a big fan of it.

In other news, seems as though someone is of the opinion that my mother is supposedly either holding food from me, or that she doesn't let me talk to people.

I have to wonder sometimes. If my mother is such a bad person sometimes and there have been times when even I've wanted to smack her upside the head for a lot of reasons, then why is it that she and I have had each other's back for as long as we have? And the last time that that whole "holding food" thing happened was when I was out in Woonsocket, mainly because my brother and his "friend" at the time were being absolute pricks of misery. But again, that was all in the past.

You see, I just have to ask this one simple question. Several, but questions nonetheless. What does it make you when you basically go to see your own mother at least maybe... Oh I don't know. At least one time out of the year? How about the relationships you keep with your kids, huh? Or perhaps maybe you're too coked up out of your head that no one even wants anything to do with you and yes, we all know the kind of "pharmacy" you run out of that apartment you took over from my father, the same one who you ran your mouth about all those years ago? Don't think I don't remember that, because I do. And the only reason as to why I don't talk to you is because you not only lack any shred of self-awareness, but you also pick fights with everyone here. You get into constant arguments with everyone in the building, and in a general sense, you're not anyone I would want to talk to in the first place.

Keep this in mind. If you even think about coming to that door again, I'm giving you two options. Either, you go back to your apartment and you stay there and keep our names out of your filthy, deranged mouth or the next time you even come anywhere near us, the cops will come.

But not for me or my mother. You will get thrown out of here at one point, because everyone is sick of acknowledging your presence. Everyone is disgusted with your actions. Everyone knows about that Gunga Dinn who you've let in here knowing full well that he's a carrier of COVID-19. So yes, you Typhoid Mary piece of shit. Stay the fuck as far away from us as you can and stay the fuck there. Don't come knocking at our door. Don't come anywhere near it. Don't come anywhere near me. Don't come anywhere near my mom. Stay put, rot in that apartment and die, for all I care.

Or get thrown out. Your choice.

And you wonder as to why I'm so sick and tired of people these days. Hell, it's one main reason I've pulled away from Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook, because people are getting more and more insufferable with each passing day.

Sadly, the same can also be said for most people I see and hear on other platforms, too. I dunno. Maybe I'm turning into a recluse. But then again, considering the types of people I've hung around with, it really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I've come to a point where I just want to be left alone.

I think I just need a break.

That being the case, I think I'm gonna go nap for a bit, maybe listen to some music or something. I'm out for now.
 
Late Night,
December 1st, 2020

Heya again, old man. Been a while since I last thought about you and I don't mean for this to be an annual thing, but... Well... With things being the way the are with where you are and where I am... Let's just say that things can't be changed when things happen the way they do. It didn't mean for it to be this way, but then again, what happened at around that time wasn't your fault.

So I suppose you might have found out. Cousin David died about a few months back. And of course, there was a big brewhaha about it when Ex-Cousin Laurel and her two hellspawns decided out of the blue that they wanted to inject themselves into something that never really involved them. It was a family matter and it should've stayed there and no one else. What I do know full well for a fact is that his "friends", those same people that were supposed to have done their part? Those same people are gonna be in for the worst kind of pain any one of them will suffer. It won't be physical. It will involve plenty of tongue lashings. Any one of them will attempt to reach out to me, to ma, to RJ, to anyone left within the family and they're gonna see a side of any one of us that they're not gonna like. On that day, they'll look like scalded dogs, I can guarantee you that much.

As for what else has been going on with us...

I've still been keeping busy with everything I've been doing. There are moments when I have my good days, there are times when I have my bad ones. There's even been times where I begin to wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if at all. Or if I have, have I been doing it consistently enough to the point where someone will recognize me for the hard work I've been putting in, because... Well... It's been so hard trying to be constantly and consistently putting in the time, the effort and everything that goes with it.

Then you got this whole beer virus thing that's still been going around, only it's ramping up even more now. Now as a result of people not doing their part, the governor's putting all of the state under a "pause" for about two weeks, but let's just face facts between you and me. It's another lockdown. They can quit bullshitting us. We've seen this before back in March, so who's to say we weren't going to be seeing this again?

Well. All I can say is that at one point during the midterms of 2022, someone's getting their asses camped if they think this is really going to help matters.

I dunno. It's just another day where we're all shuttered inside of our houses, peeking out every so often just to see if the sun's still shining out there only see that only bricks cover pretty much the entire landscape.

I don't mind it much these days. But then again, maybe I've gotten used to it by now. It's all a bunch of bullshit, no matter how you see it.

Anyways old man, I'm not gonna keep you. I just wanted you to know what's been going on.

As for me, I think I'm gonna call it a night here. I'll see you next time, journal.
 
Noon,
December 27th, 2020

This has been perhaps one of the single most batshit years I've ever seen. Whether it's some virus wrapping around the globe, people snapping left and right anad stomping on each other's heads just to get their hands on a new video gaming box that doesn't have any games as of yet, it's just one of those things where I just have to sit back and ask myself, "Damn. Did we live through all of that?"

And well, yeah, we did. To an extent, I might add. Some of us may be without our loved ones this year and the following ones hereafter, but as long as you've got your wits about you, you should be fine. Just don't be a schmuck and fuck around with something you don't understand and afterwards, it'll be fine. Might take a bit of time getting there, but it'll happen. Eventually.

Anyway, as for what's on my mind now.

Still loving how people talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot these days. So nowadays, if that's how they're gonna be wanting to talk to me these days, I just end up clamming up and saying to hell with it, because wasting my breath with people and arguing with them just isn't going to fucking work with them. It all goes in one ear and out the other with them, so what's the point? Even the very concept of playing games itself has only become that of a chore, something that just wastes my time just so they can keep them distracted and yeah, I can understand that if things were kinda rough for you and you need some form of escape. But then there are some games that I just don't want to play, like any battle royale or battle royale elements pertaining to it is just something I have to pass on, because I've seen it so many other times in so many other games that it becomes oversaturated and I just can't be bothered with it. It's nothing personal or anything like that. It's just a preference.

As for what else has been going on... Man, oh man... It just seems like work has been getting... A lot less fun than what I used to remember over the years. More often than not, I end up at least checking out for part of it, because fuck if I can be bothered with reading everything out these days, especially with how my eyes feel for most of the time I'm there for. But hey, it's all good. One day soon, I'll be rendered blind, so doing what I do will be rendered entirely fucking meaningless.

Ah well. Such is my life these days.

I suppose I might as well get going. There's so much to do and not enough time in the world to do it all in. I'll probably pop in again later on if I can help it.
 
New Year's Eve Late Afternoon,
December 31st, 2020

So. This is it, then. The final nail in the coffin for the year that showed absolutely no mercy for anyone or anything. What is there to reflect about? Even over Christmas, the madness wouldn't stop. It wouldn't end. It was just madness from one point to the other. Some controversy here. Some sadsack hunk of shit gets bashed for something he/she/they/whatever said there. And yet, it just... kept... right on... going. It was a 24/7 continual cycle of bullshit throughout the year.

But I think we've all come away from this year looking at the bigger picture, or at least I hope we did. But... Hey. I suppose that's what happens when you decide to make deals with the Devil sometimes. You think you're in the free and clear, but much like the monkey's paw, there's always going to be repercussions for the gains you've achieved. You say they're only short-term, though. There's no real meaning behind it all. Everything will be just fine afterwards! Just trust me on this and just follow me blindly! There's absolutely nothing wrong now! You see those bright rainbows over that beautiful looking town down there? That's just the example of the beautiful utopia we've got!

Except for one thing. The foundation for that utopia you've built has begun - if not already started and proceeding along - to fracture and crack at an alarming pace with no signs of it slowing down. At which point, you don't notice it at first. The crackling is miniscule at best. But then the crackling starts to turn into a soft rumbling. Still, you don't notice. You're only continuing to plod along with nothing to bother you at all. Sure, you might smell smoke up in the air. Maybe a few small fires pop up, some people have already begun to hightail it out of there all while ignoring the pleads of others to stay, because what you see as that utopia, is actually a hellish nightmare that's waiting in the wings.

But being your plucky self, you ignore the massive warning signs that are glowing a bright red, with multiple klaxon alarms blaring at you in the distance, all of which is still telling you to open your eyes for once and see for yourself, only to be met with a stiff rejoinder of, "Fuck off! Don't interrupt me while I'm enjoying myself!" Now, the rumbling starts to intensify and gradually build to a minor quaking sensation; not quite a full-on earthquake just yet, but it's getting there. Sounds of windows shattering, people screaming even more as they're running for their lives now that they've become aware of what's really going on. Some casualties occur. Nothing major just yet, but again. It's getting there. Now the minor rumbles now grow more and more, to the point where buildings start falling all around you. Small ones, at first, but keep in mind. Some of those bigger buildings are already gradually weakened because of those previous quakes, and the steel is starting to bend, all while you're still walking along, thinking nothing could possible go wrong. Except it kind of is. Because of your blissful, willful, dreamy eyed ignorance, with every hop, skip and a jump you make through what was supposed to be your dream has now begun to rapidly fall apart. And now, here comes the bigger buildings. Some implode under the weight of the bending, creaking. Some others end up collapsing with the foundation, releasing plumes of smoke up and into the skies, and then, that's when the bodies start falling into the crumbling ground at terminal velocity because they were forced - and with no other option - to welcome the sweet release of death with a meaty splat of blood and gore hitting the shattering cement. Some of those people have families. Loved ones. Someone significant to them. But yet, you don't seem to notice. You don't even seem to care. Everything has been about you and nothing else.

But by now, you get to your destination, wherever it might be. Then, you look back with those big, beautiful, hopeful eyes and blink them at the direction of what was supposed to be a beautiful, wholesome, heartwarming place to live... Has just about sank itself deep within the earth in a massive sinkhole. You stand there, pondering as to why it all happened. Yet in your mind, you can't seem to make heads or tails of anything. Sure, you try to put it all back together someway, somehow, only you get told by the survivors of what could be considered the worst catastrophe ever known to just leave them alone. But you say you're only trying to help and rebuild your dream, make it better, make it stronger. Make it more resistant to the quakes. Make every building heartier, fortify them against anything like this so that it'll never happen ever again, all that other junk.

But yet, no matter how many times you think you've got it figured out, it just ends up doing the same thing over and over, only the quakes get even worse. The loss of lives from the resulting destruction grows even more, and even then, there's nothing you can do about it.

Then there's the Devil you made that deal with. He's come to collect his dues. Oh, you honestly thought we would just gloss over him and you'd completely forget about him, right? No, you're forced into his eternal servitude and you're going to keep on working to pay for those dues any way you can and he doesn't care what it is or how you have to do it. All he knows is that he's on a bit of a tight schedule and he doesn't like being kept waiting. It's either get it done... Or the pain's only going to get worse. But you placate to him, maybe say some nice flowery words and all that, but you see... Those sugary soft words of various niceties? Those don't have any effect whatsoever, since he's seen or heard it all so many times before that all it's amounting to is nothing more that useless whitenoise that he ends up tuning out with. Oh, but you wanna make more deals with him, you say. You want more time. More materials, more this, more that, blah blah blah. Now, you've got his attention, especially when you let it slip that you'll do anything for him. Literally anything.

And that's where it starts. That's where he knows he can fuck with you any goddamn way he likes, especially around that time when he comes to collect his dues once more. A few riots there, maybe some drug crimes here and there, you know. You bent yourself over backwards so hard, so much and so often, that now you look like an accordion, one he can play to his tune at any given time he feels it necessary. Oh, but you wanted the power to make things right, you say. Uh huh. Sure. But what you didn't realize is that on the fine print of that contract you signed away without even thinking is that no matter what you do, no matter how often you claim you were the golden child or whatever high status claim you make, there is always a catch. The catch here being is that you opened yourself up to a corruption that you'll be blissfully unaware of, but everyone else can see it for themselves. Everyone else will know how you essentially sold yourself out for that power, the fame, the fortune, the glory, the distinction, the honor, the love, the adoration and everything that entails. But the cost was that you stepped over everything and everyone so ruthlessly, I mean sure, there wasn't going to be anyone to stop you on your meteoric ascent for sure, but... Ahhhh. Now you're catching on.

That devil cares not one iota about all your successes, your failures, your this, your that or anything. He doesn't care. But he knows how he can get to you and how to twist you around and make you his bitch at the cost of virtually everything that you are. At the end of the day, just when you think you're safe, the devil comes out again, looking for more from you. But you beg, you plead, you say there's nothing left to give and all that. Pfft! He doesn't care. You made that deal with him in the first place and now, it's either you pay up... Or the next time he comes around... It's only going to get worse.

And that's where you finally begin to realize - all too late, might I add - that you sold out everyone you know, everyone you love, everything you covet, every scrap of land, this, that and everything you got through ill gotten gains. Now no one can ever trust you ever again, because every lie, every shady deal, everything that happened behind closed doors in the dead of night has now been brought out into the light for everyone to see and bear witness to. But it was all for the greater good, so that we can all move forward, you say, and here's where I can retort.

Have you ever heard of the term, "The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions"? Well there ya go. Just because you have all these well meaning intentions doesn't mean that everyone is going to agree with it. There's always going to be someone who's going to read between those lines and then bam, they'll see you for the fraud and the sham that you are, and when it all comes crashing down on you, all you'll be left with is just those few words, asking one of those little questions and making those little statements that everyone hears from time to time.

Why me? Why did it have to be me? I swear I did everything right. I know I did everything right. I never meant to hurt anyone. It was all for the greater good. These and so many others will fall from your lips and you won't even realize that all you had to do was to just leave things well enough alone and then back away. You've done enough damage and no one wants you to be around. But yet, you try to drum up support for your failed cause. Some might come with you, under the belief that yeah, none of this wasn't your fault and that everyone who doubted you were all in the wrong. This would - in turn - cause a massive rift between both sides, the ones who know damn well that you were wrong and then there's the others who'll swear up and down that you did it all the right way, at least according to them. The resulting havoc that would ensue, both verbal lashings leading into physical violence will create untold amounts of bloodshed all over your broken world, something that you created so painstakingly well, with all the bells and whistles and watch as it all falls apart for the last time. Once the dust settles down, all you're left with are two groups of people, both of which refuses to work with or cooperate with the other for some reason or another. And there you are, standing in the middle of it all. Beleaguered. Tired. Miserable. Heartbroken. Constantly besieged at all sides. Then, you finally break... And break, you will.

You know why? Because you were the idiot who dotted that "i" and crossed that "t" when you sold yourself off to that aforementioned devil, who'll only be there smiling at the whole thing as he hides off in another corner, away from prying eyes. But then again, maybe he might not. He might just be there in the crowd in plain clothes, just to keep his unassuming appearance. When you beg him for one last bit of help, all he'll do is just turn a little smile up at you, look you dead in the eye and say just one little thing that'll make you realize the mess that you caused.

"Oh really? I thought you said you wanted to do all this for the greater good, as you put it. Well, you asked me for my help... So here's your bed... Now you lie in it."

With that, he gets up and turns away now that he's had his fill before walking off into the sunset, never to be seen or heard from again.

Or so you think.

...Wow. Okay, that got heavily intense there for a moment. That took me all day to write that, believe it or not. Even longer to rewrite and fix up some verbiage here and there.

But yeah. 2020. What a wild ride this has been. I'm glad it's over, but 2021 is going to get even crazier. Let's just hope it doesn't end up like that overly huge metaphor I used to describe this year. If it does... Oh well. I guess we'll just have to wait and see where it goes, because the ball hasn't dropped yet.

In the meantime, I suppose I might as well get my ass going. There's a few things I gotta do, too. Nothing major, but there's some work I gotta do and all that. Be seeing you guys in 2021. Just remember to take care of yourselves, your loved ones and all that. You can never be too careful in this day and age.

As for you, journal... I guess I'll be seeing you around that same time, too.
 
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Tuesday Afternoon,
March 6th, 2021

I realize that I haven't written in this journal for a while. The reason being is because... Well... I haven't had much to think about. With the life I live of perpetual serfdom - I suppose you can call it that, in a way - and everything that goes with it, that I lose track of time. I mean, where do I even have the time to stop and think about anything anymore? As soon as I even remotely get at least five minutes to myself, I'm immediately inundated with questions and statements like, "Can I have your help here," "Can I ask you a favor," "Where are you", "I need you here" and the like. While I get that I'm supposed to be the one guy who always shows up and does his job and the like, but the thing I'm getting at here is that I can't be everywhere at once at one time. It's just not possible. I also know that I have limits much like everyone else. So why is it that I know this, but everyone else can't? Why is it that I want to go to sleep, yet someone's always in my ear jabbering away, saying things like, "Oh you can't hang with me" and shit like this and then when I say, alright, I'll stick around, I'm immediately dismissed as if I wasn't there?

Why do I even bother opening my mouth at that point, because all I do know is that it's all only going to start up again, rife with the same bullshit that you've heard me go on about before? And another question, why do I even bother putting up with it? I can't help the fact that mother hasn't been feeling well and needs my help, because I'm her only son that's within earshot if something goes wrong. And if something does go wrong, and I'm not able to hear it, what are the chances that I can't get to her in time and do what's necessary? What does that make you out to be?

Then here's another thing. The immediate dismissal as if I was nothing more than a piece of shit if I say, yeah, okay, I'll stick around for a bit. First off, what the fuck? I put down what I'm doing to hang with you and then you immediately twist me away and push me off. First of all, you wanted me to stay put. I said no originally then you get all bitched out because, maybe, I wanted to try and get some sleep and instead figured I'd stay up for a little while longer, and you're still not happy. You were the one who kept me up way past the hours of when I usually go to sleep and then in your ignorance, you have the gall to get pissy at me for it like it's supposed to be my fault, you two-faced psychopath? So who's more at fault here? For one thing, I'm not an insomniac like you. I know there are times when I do stay up for a while, sometimes all night, but I can't do it all the goddamn time. It's just not in me like it was for me times before. I think I've made it known that I'm not some machine like some people have made me out to be. I break down from time to time and yet, you seem to be of the opinion that I should be.

No. That's not how that works. It's never been how that works and you are dumb enough to believe otherwise.

Then we get into fights about it and you constantly blame me for it and never let me explain myself at all as immediately, you pin everything on me and never take any responsibility for yourself. That is not how any relationship works. It's never a one-way street and both parties should be taking responsibility for their actions, INCLUDING YOU. I don't know what school of thought you were brought up in, but that's never been further from the case, even if you went to that school of thought at all.

But rather than go on this thought of mine, I think I'll cut it here. I'll probably add more onto this when I feel more up to it.
 
Thursday Morning,
April 1st, 2021

And once again, I finding myself spacing out a lot over the times I've not written in this thing. Mainly because there really hasn't been a lot for me to write about since there have been times when I've just basically caught myself rewriting quite a few times about the same old tired thing. Whether it's about how shitty my family's being, how shitty my friends have been, and it's just been a general lack of positivity. There are times when I do have my moments where I do have some things to be proud about or something that I find myself wanting to share with people. I'll be the first to admit that.

Like for example, over the past few days, I've been gathering the parts I needed to build myself a gaming PC. No, this is no April Fool's type thing. Because if I can be perfectly honest, I've been looking forward to this for a number of years, ever since I got myself gipped from getting my own that I built when I was back in MTTI from about 2012 to about 2013. Now of course, a lot of the parts and shit have changed an absolute fuckton between now and then and you'd be right in saying that, too. But again, this has been something I've been living without for eight years. I think I've earned that right to do something on my own for once.

Of course, when my brother heard about this, he immediately reached out to me and said, hey, go for it, dude! Then, he decided out of his own volition to invite me to his Discord server. Since this is my brother and all that, I join it.

But then, I come to realize something. Like. Okay. So what now there, genius? This is your brother's server. Gotta make sure you don't do dummy shit that would get him pissed off at you, especially now that you're gonna be hanging around his friends and all that. But then again, he's my brother. Of course we're gonna get on each other's nerves and shit. That's what brothers do, no matter what the age. They say dumb shit to each other, they do dumb shit to each other, and all that other nonsense.

But enough of my own worries. By now, everyone's probably curious about the machine I'm gonna be building. Well, for one thing, I'm gonna be using an ASRock motherboard, an MB365 one, where an intel Core i5 is going to sit, two 8GB sticks of Corsair Vengeance RAM are going in next, and a Hyper Cooler 212 EVO is going to cool the whole thing - not that I'm not a fan of water cooling, it's just I'm afraid that if I mess it up, water's gonna go everywhere inside of the thing and fry it all, which would bring me right back to square one - a 700w power supply from Apevia to power it on and off, a bog standard DVD-RW drive is gonna be the source of putting on DVDs - because those are still real things, I guess, right? - and my brother decided to pass me his video card, a Sapphire Nitro+ RX-580. Next up is a 500GB SSD which would serve as the means of putting in Windows 10 - or any ol' operating system, when I think about this - followed by a 1TB Seagate Hard drive which would act as general storage.

Now, here's the thing about this. I thought that I had a pretty solid budget build going on. But then... I talk about this with another friend of mine and... well... I don't know what possessed her to say this, but she said that I was lowballing myself and then just proceeded to just rag on me for it. I answered back that I wasn't exactly looking for super duper performance, but just something that would be a decent enough start-up. But then, she hears about the video card my brother's sending out to me and then proceeded to call him a moron for it. Like what in the absolute fuck, man? I haven't even built the thing yet, and already, you wanna shoot me down for it all? Nice way knowing I can share something with people like that. Come to find out though, from some former friends of her, they told me that even her system ain't shit compared to what they have. She didn't let me finish what else was going into the build before I'm immediately dismissed and get ragged on even more for it.

What. In the absolute mother of fuck.

Guess I can consider that the last time I'll ever share something like that with anyone. I think I'll just stick to just being relegated off and into the corner while you carry yourself like King Shit of Fuck Mountain. You know. Something I've been used to for about six years now and longer than that before I met you, since you're just so much better than everyone else and that your shit don't sink or that everyone should be groveling at your feet because you're some big macho bad ass? Sorry, but I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're preaching to your own choir of one, and even then, your reflection is so fucking tired of your shit. Then again, is it any wonder as to why you've pushed so many people away from you or why their opinions of you have soured? It's because of your own attitude towards them. Hell, there are times when I groan at the very idea of even paying games with you because of you. I dread having to work alongside you because I know what you're going to do. You're just going to sit there, cut me off at every opportunity you get when it's not even your turn to talk and then just overpower the conversation. Like what am I even there for, then, eh? What's my purpose? Where do I fit into this narrative? What's my role? I know all I do is just work the boards, turn on stuff, flick lights from left to right and so on, but come on, there's more to me than just a simple grease monkey.

Not only that, but I don't even remotely go anywhere with you on the account of the fact that, "Oh, I don't like this. This is blah blah this, blah blah that, raddaraddaraddaradda and it's just enough to make me wanna backhand you across the face with Sunday edition of the New York Times. Christ in Heaven, you have no idea how badly it gets under my skin whenever you do that. but you do it anyway and my "saintly" patience can only put up with so much.

Alright. Rant over. Promise that'll be the only one I'll do today. Can't really guarantee it'll stay like that for long, but then again... You never know with me. Could be just fine one day, the next I'm basically coming up with something else to talk about.

In any case, I suppose I might as well end it here as I wait for my video card to come in. It's bound to show up at some point today, from the looks of things as I continue to track my package. After I get it into the house, I should start thinking about putting the whole thing together. Might take me some time getting there, but I think I'll be alright, so long as I'm left alone and no one - once more: FUCKING NO ONE - comes to bother me for stupid shit.

Welp. That's where I'll leave it. See you next time, journal.
 
Saturday Late Afternoon,
April 3rd, 2021

Welp. Guess those eight long years of ring rust came a halt when I got the last few pieces I needed to put into the new computer today. And well, I might not have been able to get all of the important parts in, but since I was feeling great about turning a collection of parts into a functional PC, I can't help but bask in my personal victory after those eight long years after graduating from MTTI, but only to have come up so short of getting the PC I built back then.

At this point though, this no longer matters. I did this entirely on my own and thankfully, this one I built didn't explode on me, electrocute me or blew a fuse out of the house. It took some major doing with getting the parts to either fit right or finagle with the wires some, but once the last part was put in after having to sacrifice something for space and then slap the side panels on, I hooked up the main power cable to it and gave it a test fire, gritting my teeth and held myself back a ways from it before I hear it turn over and bam, she runs like a champ!

The only thing that's missing as of now would be my brother's GPU he's looking to have sent over... Buuuuuuuut it'd have to come out here on Monday instead. But then again, when I think about the fact that I was pretty much out of it from my shoulder somehow strained from I have no idea what, plus I didn't even hear the doorbell ring. So, I got a notice instead saying, "Hey! We were looking for you to give this to!"

Again, doesn't matter. The important parts are where they need to be. She's not ready for prime time just yet, though. About the only other things I need now is a keyboard and... I guess maybe a mouse? I don't know. I still have my dad's mouse sitting beside me that I can use instead. Everything else is ready to go.

I hope. I really and truly do hope.

But anyways, I suppose that's enough from me for now. I'll check in again sometime soon.
 
Late Night,
April 19th, 2021

36 years. Huh. Who'da thought I'd live to this long like I have with everything as it is right now or everything that happened to me in the past, eh? Well, one thing I know for certain is that aside from the fact that the night before and this morning, I spent it wrestling a pair of matresses out of the house since they're no longer considered useful to me or anyone else for that matter, and as of right now, I have a new one... But it didn't have the box spring that was supposed to have came with it. Welp. That's the last time we'll ever order from Mattress Firm, I'll tell ya that much.

What I can say for certain is that ever since I got this rig up and running though, it's been running like an absolute champion with everything I've thrown at it and then some. Some of the hardware might have kicked in at a few points here and there just to say, oh yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do and all that. Otherwise, everything that I've loaded up on it before hand has been doing absolutely nothing to it. I mean, I even ran Grand Theft Auto 5 into it both the campaign and the online modes and still, it would not bat an eyelash to it.

So then, I had this crazy thought running through my head. I thought, wait. Can it run either DOOM 2016 or its sequel in DOOM Eternal? A quick check on Can You Run it said, why yes, yes you can! You got everything you need there, sport! All you gotta do is go grab either game, run it through its paces and go have fun, ya nut!

And yet... The more I think about it... The more I just end up staring at either game on the Store page on Steam and look at them going, "I know I want either of you... But why can't I buy either of you just yet? I have the money to do it. So why am I not?" At which point, I'm just... Stuck. I get stuck there thinking, yeah, okay, wait for a sale or wait for a price drop. Check and see if some other joe schmo is selling it at a better price than retail. Only weeks, months, probably a year goes by and I still don't do it. Like come on, jackass! You know you want it! It's right there, so quit with the procrastinating and do it already! You've been waiting patiently long enough and all that!

But again... I just stall. I start second guessing myself. I start thinking that I've got other responsibilities here. I ain't got time for games these days. Like dude, have you never heard of the term, "work before play"? But yet, that same thought comes back saying that I've got all this free time now, so why don't you go have fun for once? All work and no play make Jack a dull boy, y'know. So then, I just end up getting into a mental stalemate and just say to hell with it.

I think it's been because I've been so busy with everything else going on that I just forget about having fun. Or if I do, it's always in short bursts, because yeah, I do have something else going on the following day.

I dunno. Anyway, I suppose I might as well get going. It's another one of those short thoughts I have, but I figured I might as well write it down if in the event I ever forget. I joke, of course. Anyways, see ya soon journal.
 
Late Night,
April 24th, 2021

Once again... Once the fuck again I don't even know what more I can say to you that would ever change you from being the rotten human being you are, ma. Except for the fact that I look at the things I have no with the greatest of disdain. This mouse? This was basically bought with half a heart in mind, oif no heart at all. Everything that's here in this room with me as of right now? Everything of it was bought with nothing but dirty money, or money that you might as well admit to it right now that you pretty much lifted from me because apparently, I don't know what to do with it. I'm also noticing that you've pretty much kept me here to be your live-in maid instead of your son, all because you can't stand it whenever I have my own friends. Well how about the company you keep, huh? You're hanging out with more or less the same types of people you hung around with during your druggie days.

Or hell, Georgia seems like she's been taking a shining to you. So why don't you just break all those 30 years of sobriety and just go party it up with her since you're all chummy with her. Just go get fucked up just one night and then you'll have no one to blame but yourself when I basically pack up just a few things, put Leo in someone else's care and then afterwards, you can just go ahead and just throw everything here in this room out. Just go ahead and trash everything. The new computer? Throw it away, or pawn it for more crank. The mouse? Get a refund for it so you can snort another line. It's obvious to me that you don't care anymore about anything these days. It's always been about what you think. I mean hell, you didn't even want me before my ignoble birth. You said you wanted a house. But then you heard my heartbeat and you changed your mind.

And with our recent conversation... I have an extremely hard time thinking you didn't mean what you said. That it was because you were sick and all that? You see, here's the thing with you that've seen throughout my years of being with you. Whenever you get into one of these moods of yours, whether you're sick or not, maybe it was the coke talking that day all those years ago, but you get very mean. You get very spiteful. You want to take it out on everything that supposedly was anyone's fault.

Right. Mhm. What about all those other times before when you've acted exactly like this? This vindictive, hateful side of you that only comes out all because it was someone else's fault other than your own. You're fast to blame everyone - even me - for something that no one else in the immediate vicinity did.

So. Here's a proper analogy I can think of that makes all the sense in the world right here and now. If a tree falls over and there's no one around, does it still make a sound?

In your worldview whenever you get like this, you'd blame the felled tree because it made a mess of your yard... Despite you had the axe in your hands.

No, you didn't hurt my feelings tonight. Because there's no feelings left to hurt. I'm not a kid anymore, ma. That little guy has long since gone away and what you're left with is a bitter adult who hates your fucking guts so much - as a person, not as my mom, so let's get that out of the way - that all he can think of is wanting to baptize you in a bathtub of gasoline then toss a lit match at you before walking away. Because you know what's going through my mind right now?

Doubt. Shit loads of fucking doubt. I still love you with all my heart ma, and that's never going to change. But you know something? As a person, if I hadn't been your son? I'd look at you and think that you are one evil bitch before stepping away from you, thinking you were another one of those people I wouldn't want to hang around with. But as my mom... I don't believe a fucking thing you say. At all. At. Fucking. All. None of it, because yes, I do remember.

And this is another one of those times I'm going to keep locked away where you'll never see or hear me unearth it. Not to you, not to anyone but this little... Repository of the thoughts I've held throughout the years, good and bad.

I'm so tired of this.

And none of this is worth it to me. Nothing at all.

Short thought tonight, but...

Pfft. Fuck it.

See you next time, journal. I guess.
 
Monday Morning,
May 17th, 2021

You know... I kind of ind it funny that you say that there is a clear lack of communication coming from me these days. I just find it oh so funny that you say we don't communicate enough and then whenever I do try to communicate with you about something I've got going on afterwards, I'm immediately cast to the side and treated like a bitch afterwards. I find it just so funny. Not so much in a ha-ha sense, but in a way that says I can so see right past the bullshit that you're spewing. Do you now wonder as to why I don't communicate with you as much these days? Because talking to you has been nothing short of walking on eggshells, a feeling... That really fucking hate. Anytime around you, whenever I do something completely wrong, you immediate flip your shit and pin everything on me even when I've accepted the mistake as my fault and then just move the fuck on.

But you don't. You don't do JACK FUCKING SHIT but just bang on about every single thing that's supposedly my fault, but yet, you lack the self-awareness that everything that you are is the sole reason as to why I don't engage much in conversation. Because of your sheer and utter bile that just flows out of your mouth every time a word comes out of your mouth. As a matter of fact, I'm of the opinion that you just don't love anyone and anyone who you view as the opposite sex is massively maligned. Everything that men do is entirely their fault, because well, they're men. They don't think like we do, they don't act like we do, men this, men that, blah-blah-blah.

You know, I should've known that six years ago, I never thought that you could've become such a fucking Karen. And that's something I'd never thought I'd admit to saying about someone. This person is literally a fucking Karen in every sense of the word, right on down to the stupid fucking haircut, plus hair dye.

Now, pardon me for making this general observation, but if I can be so bold to ask, but when did I become your bitch? Because last I checked, whenever friends are able to just get along all the time and just have fun doing the things they do, they tend to just get along and basically treat each other as equals most times, am I right on this so far? So now, whenever an issue does creep up, you're the first to make a literal mountain out of a molehill and just rag and rag and rag until goddammit, I just wanna tune you out most times because everything that comes out of your mouth these days is the literal definition of fucking white noise.

Not to mention that you've also became the very person who you said we've quit from. So congratulations, you've became our old boss, you ding-dong dumb dyke. Right on down to that stupid as fuck nose chain and blonde hair for your avatar, too. You wanna start pulling that unreliable card, too, right? Here's what I gotta say in response. If I'm so unreliable, how is it that in all your seemingly infinite wisdom that I've done literally EVERYTHING I COULD to even get that stupid fucking sim up and running? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE??? But hey, you wanna end up throwing me under the bus like you always do, so you know something? I can throw this at you.

If you wanna say I'm unreliable, then I have every right to tell you that I have zero confidence in you based on everything I've had to put up with since this odyssey began in the first place, you haggard old crow. But hey, I'm not allowed to think, isn't that right? You pretty much didn't allow me to think or value my opinions anyway as everything has to be about you, your accomplishments which I'm highly suspecting are only imagined, drummed up and are otherwise bullshit.

In simple terms, go fuck yourself. As for me, I'm already half-way out the door.

God, I fucking hate people.

Speak of which journal, I suppose I might as well put this down for now. I'll come back to you again later if I can help it. At least you're not as judgmental whenever I have these thoughts.
 
Early Morning,
May 19th, 2021

You know how they say, "You can please some people some of the time, but you can't please all people all of the time"? That's how I view playing Neverwinter with you. I play too aggressively according to you, I supposedly make you feel useless and you just end up hanging back. Whenever I start to lag behind, I get told to pick up the pace, complete with all of the insults I can eat.

There is just no pleasing you. There is just no pleasing you at all. There is no happy medium you're comfortable with. So why bother? Come to think of it, why should I continue to play a game that I used to like, but have no begun to absolutely loathe, mainly because YOU KEEP ON SUCKING THE FUN OUT OF IT. As a matter of fact, here's how I view you if I were to exercise my mental muscle, or at least what's fucking left of it around you as of lately.

In the ABCs of Insults, you are an Abrasive, Bitchy, Carcinogenic, Duplicitous, Egregious Fuckhead, a Gregarious, Hateful, insipid, Jackbooted, Knobgobbling, Lascivious, Manipulative, Nonplussed, Oppressive, Poisonous, Quick-To-Anger Retard, a Spiteful, TWO-FACED Undulating Vagina-Ass and as your soon-to-be former friend that you'd soon X out, you can go find another Young Zealot to go make famous. Now that you know MY form of the ABCs, won't you sing with me next time?

It's only a matter of time now. And when I do finally separate from this bitch, I'm having myself a nice little stay-cation away from everyone on there. I don't have any love left in my heart for people like this as my stoicism around her would be readily apparent.

I think I'm beginning to understand as to why one dude doesn't come around all that often nowadays. And I think I know why. He saw right through the bullshit and doesn't want a thing more to do with her, the lucky bastard.

Ah well. I gotta put up with it for another day. And all it's gonna take from her to say one more thing that's gonna piss me off and when it does, I'm gonna fuckin' let her have it.

in the meantime, I'm done rambling about myself for now. I'll see you next time, journal.
 
Sunday Night,
May 23rd, 2021

Well, I was in a good mood tonight. I was in a fine mood. I was in a fine mood, until today. I had just woken up from a little nap because I was tired and shit and of the things I woke up to was someone slapping me in IMs on Steam, and I asked in total confusion, was it possible for me to get a nap in? Then, I come to find out I was still playing a game that I thought I had closed out of, but it didn't. Then, I jumped into another game, thinking, okay, just another day of being frozen out when I then got a rash of shit for it.

Then, I get in another rash of shit over some things I said in a review for one game, this being Neverwinter. I thought that it was a bit tedious and the like, and there was some stuff in the cash shop that I thought was a little expensive, but I still thought it was still a good game that anyone can still have fun with. Now here's the thing here, people. I admit that I don't really know a whole hell of a lot about certain things, but to fucking out me like that over some things that you didn't agree with? You dirty motherfucker. You could've ignored what I said and just left it alone and went on with your day. Nobody has to agree with me on anything. I can admit there are times when I've gotten something wrong. But then you said you showed what I thought of the game to other people, only to have them side with you when any of them can have just walked off and said, "ah, what the hell, this guy's just talking shit" which is something that I do. A lot.

But then... You just ran me down. You had the nerve to just run me down. But then again, I suppose this is something that you've been doing a lot of.

Well I suppose that's that then. No more reviews. No more video games for me. Just fuck everything and I'll just keep my opinions to myself. Nothing I say matters anyway.

On the flipside of that, I got back into cryptocurrency again. Did ten bucks to both Stellar and Algorand at $5 each and it started off sluggish at first, but then, it picked up towards the end of the night.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? I'm not qualified to say anything anymore. I think I'll just be an invisible mute like I've always been.

I don't know what's been going on in some people's heads these days, but you know what, maybe it's better that I don't since I don't matter.

Welp, I suppose I'm out of here for now. Done rambling about myself as per usual.

See ya journal.
 
Monday Early Morning,
June 14th, 2021

Four years.

Four years since you've been gone, old man. Four years ago, I didn't think I'd be getting a phone call where I heard about your death. I was honestly expecting to be going home right at about this time, so that I can come visit you whenever I felt like or the reverse, where you'd be here for coffee and sitting and bullshitting what we were gonna do today, be it go out and find a movie at the theater to watch, or get out into town and just go do whatever. Even if it meant taking a little trip on down to the packy and get a couple beers or something like that. I would've been fine with playing hooky on that day just to come hang out with you. I would've been just tine with that. This was before the transfer, but even then, the point is still the same. That one bitch who ran us lowly servants of the store was a right royal dyke. Black rimmed glasses, hair in a bun, the whole nine yards. I would've been cracking stories and jokes with you all day long and you and I would've had a big old laugh about it. More to the point on those four years ago, Father's Day was four days just after that. I would've loved to have shown up at your door holding that copy of Skyrim in my hands and tell ya, hey, this should be more your speed, old man. Whaddaya doing playing this old unpolished trash when you could be playing this instead?

We could've been doing a lot all those four years ago. You'd probably even be laughing your ass off knowing we'd be pretty much locked into our homes on the day the pandemic broke out. But you'd try, you'd try. You'd probably be stark raving crazy at the fact that all the bars shut down down or that Stanley's closed up shop and even this. you know that Dunkin' Donuts on the corner of Washington and Broad? That's closed down now, too. So, we'd have to make the trek on down to Dexter just to get a proper cup of coffee if you wanted to.

You'd be determined, I'll give you that. You might have been a bit bitchy about it, but you know, you'd come to grips with it after a while, especially when the vaccinations rolled out. You'd probably be skeeved out just like I was when you heard the news about all the scares that came with it and said to them, "Oh go piss up a rope!" or something along those lines. But you wouldn't be opposed to movie nights with us.

But no. On that day... On that day, it turned out that the former was the phone call I got instead. I was just getting ready to head out that door in Woonsocket at the time, right at around 10AM sharp. I think I was going to do an easy shift around that time. Well, I missed the first call, because I didn't recognize the phone number at first. Then, I answered it on the second try. It would be right about that time, that my whole life and RJ's too would change in one fell swoop.

It would also be the day that the both of us broke. It was also around that time when I told ma of what happened, she looked at me from that couch in there with eyes as big as the moon and gave me the Big What from where she was and told her to call the landlord back. It was right then and there, that she called RJ up and tell him what happened and when he came in... He was broken. I was broken. Ma was broken. We were all broken in that that same instance.

You know, it's still hard to believe that you're still gone? Because for every time I head out there, or when those times I was coming home after work before and after it all happened, I would still look up to that window in Apartment #202 where you lived and think to myself, he's probably still watching all those Farscape DVDs, or Anchorman 2, or even noodling around on that PS3 there waiting for us to come to the buzzer and ring it to let you know either me, ma or any one of us to show up. But instead, I realize who lives there now is a royal bitch. But something keeps telling me that no way, that's my dad's place. She has no claim to it.

But that's not the case. But lately, I think I've come to terms with it, even if there was a small, stupid part of me that wanted to believe otherwise. I wished this never happened. That maybe this whole thing was just some long fever dream and I'm ready to wake back up to that point in time. I didn't mind if I was still homeless then, because ma and I both knew we were getting higher up the list and that our time was coming up soon. I'd trade everything away from what I have now to relive that moment. But perhaps, if that multiverse theory is correct, that version of me is still hanging out with the old man and if he is, I hope he knows that that man is to be cherished, no matter what it is that he did in the past. What happened to him then was never his fault. What happened then was out of his control and that you should forgive him for all of it.

I don't know if it is true. I'm not some big brained scientist. I'm just some lowly goober who just talks a lot. Yes, I realize that. But you know something? It was never without purpose. It was never without merit. It was never without some long thought put into it. Lastly, it all came from the heart and that I did not deviate from any of it, unless if there was a side tangent to mention.

It's been hard having to move forward in my life without my father, I'll admit. But, if he saw me like I am now, I think he'd be pleased knowing all this. I'd think so, anyway.

Sorry if this got a little lengthy. But this has been kind of... Pawing at my mind for a while ever since the start of the month began.

But like I siad... I think I'm feeling slightly better about myself about it these days, with all things considered. I just don't like it, and I'll probably never will.
 
Monday Morning,
August 23rd, 2021

Sometimes, I think it would've been better if I had just stayed offline for even longer. Least I spun a decent enough yarn to have gotten me offline in the first place, starting that my power went out before Henri showed up. Then when it did make landfall, I was smart enough to have pulled the plug on everything: Computer, XBOX, TV, lights out, AC off, fan off, everything. From there, I went on a solid no-contact for a few days.

Did it seem like a bit of a shitty thing to do? Yeah, in light of the fact that 58,000 people also went without power when they too got legitimately hit, anyway. But after the absolute everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and then some, I just straight up didn't care anymore. If these two wanted to have killed each other that badly, I should have just let them and get it all out of their systems so that we could all look back on it all and then laughed it off as we then conducted the next staff meeting. Nope. They just couldn't let their petty grudges go. So in effect, it got our little auction house closed down. But to be honest with you, journal, I don't know who came out of this the worst. It's still hard to say at the moment. But what I do know full well is that now that all this has bust open and revealed their true natures... I'm not sure I like this as much anymore. Alas, it's far too late to stop them now.

So... What comes of this? Where do we all go from there? Well, I know one of them wants to restructure the place into something different while the other wants to open up their own little place, one far smaller than before, and in my eyes, I figure this. What the hell? Far as I know, my job there's been done for a long time now. Now, I just want to be able to get back to basics and move on from there.

At the same time, I kinda wished it didn't have to happen this way. The whole thing could've been resolved with a more amicable separation, but at the same time, I'm not mad at anyone. I am, however, mighty disappointed.

An almost similar thing happened to a buddy of mine on Discord, where he ran afoul of his former girlfriend and when all that came out... Once again, I have to repeat what I said before. I'm not mad, just disappointed that this had to happen this way.

Least our podcast from before is going to be going forward on the 6th of November. So at least there's that to expect. Got my piece all punched up and ready to let loose on that day. Ten pages worth, too. Not sure when we're going to record on that day, but at least there's something for me to do.

After all that though... Something's telling me to hunker down and wait for this storm to blow past in a figurative sense.

Short thought, but... Well... Just not really feeling it today. With that, I suppose I might as well end this one here.

See ya next time, journal.
 
Wednesday Morning,
September 8th, 2021

Been a year since you've been gone, David, and alot of my thoughts pretty much echo the same for the old man I wrote about last time, but there are a few things that are different.

You know, I never got to say my final goodbyes to you. To that effect, I feel cheated. I feel cheated in regards to the fact that out of all the people who showed up at your funeral, the last people who I would think would ever show up on that day would be your son, your daughter and your ex. But at the same time, I feel thankful for knowing now that you're at peace. You were the one guy who I saw as more of the one brother who I never had and that meant something to me and my actual brother.

You were the man. You did things that not most people could or ever would. It's pretty much we we referred to you as our version of the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. You fell on hard times, I'll tell you that much. And just when you think no one was there for you, your aunt, who raised you as if you were her own son from birth because your mother, my aunt Denise, just couldn't be bothered to. And when my mother saw just how dogged you were getting after that time you got arrested down there in Florida, she was frantically pacing left and right trying to think of ways of getting you out of there. But when she knew you were getting out, she immediately pulled all the strings she could to get you hooked up with my brother's friend Mike to pick you up from prison and get you out of there as soon as possible.

You didn't belong down there. You needed to be by someone who legitimately cared.

But if there was one thing I knew full well for certain, is that you tried your absolute hardest to be your own person again. I don't know how or why the things happened the way they did, on that day... When I was coming up from taking the trash out, and I heard my mother screaming and crying her eyes out...

Something told me that something bad happened. Then she told me point blank to my face, that you were gone.

There was a moment in that time that also enrages me to no end. I tried to get out of working the auction that night and said I needed to be by my mother. But wouldn't you know it, of course, that our former boss and maybe she - my cohort - had something else in mind. Rather than trying to be the support for my mother, I had to be pulled in regardless. I wasn't happy about it. If anything, I seethed in anger at the lack of consideration those two had for me.

How I fucking hated them both after that. After that night, I logged out, sat with my mom, held her when she cried and stayed put. I fucking hate the both of you.

But yet, there's more to this. You, my cohort, had the audacity to get on my case and even had the nerve to call me inconsiderate all over the fact that I went ahead of you in a fucking game. A game. You know, when I said I was thinking about my cousin last night, I'm surprised you didn't press me further. You were just sitting there, saying, "Oh..."

Oh? That's all I get is a fucking "Oh"? Ha. Really funny coming from you. Really and truly funny.

But you know something? I could've just laid into you and just let it all the fuck out. But in truth, I could forgive everything else that you've been over the years we've known each other for, but when it comes to the subject of my now deceased cousin, and how you inconsiderately pulled me away from my own mother as she was grieving the loss of someone who was like a son to her? You have no room to say any of that, you stupid fucking DICK. You also wonder as to why I wasn't around all day yesterday? Well there's your fucking answer. I was thinking about my cousin and of all the times I had with him. I didn't care about an auction. I didn't care about a game. I didn't care about anything. Not about you. Not about that drunk lout last night. Not about anything. It was one day that I wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts for once and not having to hear the absolute shark-jumping bullshit that flies out of your mouth.

And after that last night? I figured it would just wiser for me to just stay downwind of you as I normally do, but this time, just not even bother telling you where I was, where I've been, what I've been doing, nothing. Flat-zero contact.

Now just imagine that, if you will. Imagine if we got into another one of those arguments where you then once again castigate me for what should've amounted to nothing and after that, you say the one thing that hits a major nerve on me. That will be the last time you'll ever hear from me again as I silently - and without uttering a single word to you, not to anyone or anything - as I just simply pack up all of my belongings on that sim and then just simply vanish, never to be seen again. At least not by you. I will then proceed to hole up somewhere far away from you, and never say another word.

And if you even think of coming anywhere near me? Let alone say anything to me, I'll have you kicked out so hard you'll sail right over the goal posts in Gilette Stadium all the way down past the South End of Boston and hope your rotten ass lands right into the River Mystic. Then from there, I can perhaps live entirely in peace. The reason why I say this is because I don't know if you've noticed, if at all? But I'm getting closer and closer to being so done with you. But by the same extension, I also get this feeling that you're pretty much done with me, too. So why don't you do me a favor and just leave me the fuck alone?

And how seet and joyous it'll be knowing I've finally shed myself of you. If anything, I'll be livestreaming for a week straight and never have to want for anything.

Don't call me inconsiderate when you know full well of what you did to me on this day, you selfish bitch. Hell, if anything, why don't you look yourself in the mirror the next time you say anything like that to me.

But I suppose this is where I can wrap things up for now. This is getting too lengthy enough as it is.

With that, I'm done for now. I know I could've gone into more of this but you know how it is sometimes. There's other things I could be doing right about now.

See ya whenever, journal.
 
Thursday Evening,
October 7th, 2021

I almost forgot that this day was a thing.

Seven years ago, sometime in the morning, my mother and I were evicted from our old place out on Manton Avenue. I almost would've forgotten about that had I not looked at my Facebook today and saw that old picture of me and one of my cousin's daughter.

It's still weird when I think about it now, especially considering it was the one day, then the one before all that where it all went so wrong. Then after we got everything out of there, I remember that as I was walking out the door, I remember being really angry, knowing there was nothing we could've done.

But looking back at it all... I just find myself being incredibly numb to it all. Kind of like how I feel nowadays. Like there's nothing out there now that can either surprise me, nothing that can faze me, nothing could even come close to even drawing the littlest bit of ire. But yet... Here I am. Having to live with the fact that that day happened. And afterwards, how my mother and I felt so abandoned when everyone basically turned around and left. We had nothing to help us. No one to lend us a hand, nothing. Well, I mean, a few people came out to help, but after that? It was like we fell off the radar to them. Like it mattered a lot that when it came to them being in trouble for some apparent reason or another, my mother would be right there for them.

Am I still mad about it? Yeah, I suppose I am. But at the same time, I look back at everything that happened and thought... Maybe... Just let it go. Try to block that part of my life out and then just turn around and forget about it. But yet... I have to live with these little reminders of things that happened each and every day of my life for the rest of my life. Like yeah, my cousin David died. My dad died. I was homeless. My cat Tux died. My family basically left me and my mother for dead and only came out just when it was convenient for them instead of just being there to lend my brother the support we needed.

But I think to myself these days... Did it have to be that way? Maybe it's just some sign that perhaps, maybe - just maybe - that I needed to be shown something that would guaranteed to be a blow to me, and that there's no one who's gonna be there for you. Not a soul. When that does happen, you're all who's gonna be left in order to carry your weight and that's that. And when it's your turn to ride on the River Styx, there's no one left. Will your family remember you? Probably. Probably not. Who knows? Maybe it all depends on who even has the gumption to or could even be bothered.

I'll remember them, for sure. But everybody else? Who knows?

I suppose this is why I've basically taken to dressing up as the one ruler of the forgotten realm from that movie, "The Book Of Life". What was his name, Xibalba or some shit? Or at least on Second Life, anyway. Because in a weird, sort of cosmic bit of irony, I know there'll be a time when I'm forgotten. Maybe it already has happened. Maybe every one from that day basically. And you know something? I'm actually okay with that. It tells me that eventually, more than enough years will have gone by and by that point, I'd have no legitimate reason to ever be around my mom's or my dad's sides of the family and just head off into some backwater part of the country - if not leave it altogether, right? - and then from there, I can just rot away, never to be seen from, never heard from, nothing.

But why is it that my friends remember me more than my family? Because really and truly, they do one thing more than any of them.

They cared.

They cared enough to have actually let me bare my soul to them either through written words, to have cared enough what it was I thought, what I feel, what I'll say and then accepted me for who I am within their social circles. Even when I venture into new ones, I find myself getting welcomed into them just by being who I am and that's all there is to it.

I suppose I'll wrap this up for now. Afterwards, I'm due for a nice long snooze.

See ya next time, journal.
 
Wednesday Morning,
November 3rd, 2021

Hey journal. Been a while since I last wrote here. It's almost becoming habitual, I'll admit, where I'll have something to write about one day and then poof, off I go into the Shadow Realm for about a week, maybe a month or two only to come back again. But yet, it's usually for something to bitch about.

But lately... Nothing much to bitch about this time. Aside from the fact that for some apparent reason or another, my right forearm and all the way up and into my shoulder has been fucking with me these days. I don't know why, but I suppose I can only admit to the fact that I guess, much like everything else, I brought this upon myself. I'm starting to think a combination of Old Uncle Arthur (Arthritis, for the rest of you) combined with a case of Carpal Tunnel may have paid me a rather unkindly visit. But for it to have affected me to the point where I can't even make full usage of my right arm? I dunno. Something ain't right with that. Gonna need to get that checked out at some point or another, provided if and when things finally settled down, I guess.

Aches and pains aside, what else has been going on? Well... If you ask me, there's been a lot going on for once. Some really good things, I might add.

For one thing, we've established a second sim, combined with a riding trail for either bikes, horses, cars, trucks, and all that other stuff. Then on the 12th, we've got a tribute band coming there for Iron Maiden coming to set up shop over there. Before this, I managed to get my recorded part sent off for this podcast I'm gonna do on the 6th.

Yeah. Been a bit of a busy guy, I'll admit. And you know something? It feels good getting all these projects done and all that, but also trying to get the time to at least try and get my arm back to 100% again is proving to be a bit of a bitch. But then again, I gotta work at it pretty hard these days, because who else would? I mean, I've had to help make some changes here and there, but you know omething, it's all worth it in the long run. Then, I got introduced into a new viewer, something I haven't heard of before, but actually have a little bit of knowledge of how posing and shit works since... Well... I have done stuff like this for Garry's Mod an age and a half ago when I did posing and shit there, so I don't think this is really anything different.

I think so, anyway.

But yeah, that's the rundown. I'll probably come back here at some point with more to share if I feel up to it, but at present... With how my forearm and upper arm have been feeling, I need to try to take it easy for a while, if I can help it.

Anyways, I suppose I check you later. Take it easy, journal.
 
Noontime,
November 11th, 2021

Huh. Seems like things are off to a decent start so far. The podcast was delayed by a day due to uploading conflicts, but this whole concert thing is now set to get rolling by about tomorrow evening. Although, I just get the impression these days that I just can't be bothered to shop for myself anymore. Like that no matter what it is I try to pick out for just myself, nothing works. So... Like... Why even bother then? Yeah, sure, it's for the concert and all that, but as far as I'm concerned, I'd like to think I have everything I need all set and ready to go. I don't need to go shopping into someone else's closet for anything, because to me, that'd be biting into someone else's style.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just old fashioned like that, I suppose.

Other than that, I spent the majority of last night retooling a few intros and stuff, just to get everything all set and ready to go if and when the time comes to get the club ready to roll. Not to mention, I also set up a Flickr page for the landscaping end of the business, got some photos of what we did to our sim and all that. That was then, we ran into the tribute band, which was a mixture of guys from different parts of the world: One of them being from Budapest, the owner is from Russia, and overall, these guys are actually some of the most easiest to work with people, who also valued input from us. As it turns out, they also do concerts for other bands, too. Like they'll also appear as groups like Slipknot, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Ozzy, shit like that that were of interest to the rest of us.

Another thing, as it turns out, one of them also has breedable animals, too. From there, it turned into a potential business venture for us. More or less for Rayven, who got brought on as a dancer for the concert company, and you know something, I'm happy it turned out that way for her. Now of course, I was only kidding about it last night after we parted company with them, saying that now that we got all this set up and ready to go, I wasn't needed anymore, but even then...

There was a small part of me that wished that was the case. Like hey, you're famous now. What are you doing hanging around with someone who's a total nobody, or who just wants to just sit on his laurels and then just ride off into the sunset now that everything's in place? Wasn't that what you wanted? To get back on that horse that you've been too scared to get back on after the absolute everything you've been putting up with for years? Besides, I kinda like being relegated to the role of someone who's off in the corner and not acknowledged unless otherwise spoken to.

Again, maybe I've gotten used to the whole recluse thing, maybe I've regressed into an introvert and... Just... Fucking... I dunno. I don't know what it is these days with me.

Ehh. S'pose I might as well end this before I get too wordy... Least I got everything done on my part. The rest of which all falls on everybody else to keep their ends of the bargain.

Welp. Off I go, I guess.

See ya next time, journal.
 
Late Night,,
December 4th, 2021

Well this month got off to a bit of a rocky start. For one thing, some asshat attempted to hack into my dad's Facebook account and posted up a bunch of pictures of people whom I never met nor heard of, so I went in there with a royal fire up my ass trying to remember my dad's password until I calmed down long enough to get into it afterwards. Once I was in, I got rid of the posts and those pictures, because those didn't belong there nor did the person attempting to access it before slamming shut the connection to whoever it was out in Humble, Texas, which I highly doubt originated from there. Not long afterwards, I get a hold of my brother and told him what I did, he told me he saw the whole thing and thanked me for preserving his page. Last thing I need is some jackass defacing his page just to be all cool and edgy and shit.

Of course, about a couple weeks before this, I had a shitty end to my November. Not much of a shocker there, but there that is. The reason being is because I supposedly get chewed out for setting up for an auction for this one girl we work alongside and she was the one who wanted to do it in the first place, but the blame immediately gets shifted to me. So she then flips out, accusing me of shit I didn't even do and then stomps out on me. But the real kicker here was that she - on the very next day and after she tells me that "This is your last chance" and all that, she not only goes back on her word of no auctions because well, it's Thanksgiving and there's probably not gonna be anybody that's gonna wanna show up... By doing one anyway.

Pardon me, but in the words of TheRussianBadger on YouTube...

NANI THE FUCK??? So you not only went back on your words, but you also basically conveniently forgot about the fact that I told her that we weren't doing any auctions on that day, only come to find out that two jokers over there attempted to circumvent the rules while none of us were there?

Hello??? Where's my vindication here?! Where's my apologies, even?! Nope! Don't even get that! Everything's still my fault as per fucking usual, and none of the blame gets put back at not only my accuser for being a fucking idiot. Like what the fuck even is this now, a kangaroo court with no evidence even being shown?! And while we're on the subject, I suppose you might as well know that because of these obtuse schedules, I haven't even been able to get any proper sleep because of you ALWAYS wanting me to play Neverwinter Online! Like come the fuck on, already! I have a myriad of other games I could be playing right as of this moment in time, among the other shit I gotta do around the house, like Heaven forbid I have my own life outside of here that doesn't involve auctions, nor does it ever involve you!

If there's one other thing I can find you guilty of, is total hypocrisy on your part, since you basically made what I said to that one girl and then do an auction with her, anyway! So like, what, am I not even needed anymore? Is that it? You want me to rescind my owner tag on there? Because if so, I can drop it. And when I do, I can just pick up my belongings, sell off my crap that I don't need just so I can at least get some form of a severance from you and then from there, I can just go back to where I was before you met me; a shadow of my former self and never have to bother with anybody ever again.

I don't know where and when this change happened, but if you ask me, I'm just tired of all this and I want to get off of this crazy ride before I end up losing my shit.

But I have to put up with this. I have to endure and somehow find ways to keep my sanity together.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just tired overall, I guess, or maybe I'm just venting into the void. Honestly, that's fine. I'm used to this by now, believe it or not. At the same time, something tells me this is only going to get even worse still, so I shouldn't get my hopes up by the end of the year.

Oh well, as I usually say with a shrug of my shoulders and a shake of my head.

Welp. Suppose I might as well get going. Lord only knows what else more I'll be shouted down over.

And as always, I'll be seeing you next time, journal.
 
Late Night,
December 7th, 2021

You know, if there's been one thing that I've rattled off on before, is that people these days must think we're a bunch of fuckin' idiots most times.

If the walls could talk, you'd be surprised to know what I know tonight.

Over the past couple days, one such person - we'll call her Rachel for the sake of argument - attempted to get free ride after free ride before pawning her crap off onto me and Rayven... Then had the nerve to run her mouth and then LIE about it to top it all off... All because me and her were getting far better stuff from a couple other people who've been watching us for months before we eventually got to where we are now.

Ain't that some shit? You think you know someone these days.

Then, just today, "Rachel" attempted to put words into our other auctioneer's mouth before she then got the fucking boot because once all the cards were laid on the table and we started to put two and two together... It added up to something that was just flat out disgusting. "Rachel" attempted to take a lot of people for a ride and then attempted to drive a wedge in between everybody all while trying to make herself out to be the victim. Not only this, though, but she even attempted to weasel out as much money as she could from a kid - she's about in her 20s, just to be clear - from every sale or have her pay for things under the premise of, oh, I can afford that.

Yeah, there's a major difference between being actually being unable to pay for things and then there's her, having to grub for everything she could get from people and then cry crocodile tears when sympathy is needed. In my case, I can't really pay for shit right now. But at least I work for what's mine and it shows.

So now that all that garbage is out of here and has been subsequently dumped into the landfill of history, that's about all that happened.

So there's that. As for anything else... Nah. Not much. It was actually a pretty good day today.

On that note, I suppose I might as well head out for now. Got a few things left to do and then I can call this one a night.

See ya next time, journal.
 
New Year's Eve,
December 31st, 2021

You know... This year, man. This year did a number on us all. I mean, sure, 2020 was the progenitor of some of the weirdest moments ever recorded in human history, but you know something?

I look back on everything that's transpired with me, and I think to myself, yeah, okay, so all that happened. What is there to change about it now? Nothing. So instead of being an absolute sad sack of shit, it's called buckle down, get your head out of your ass - by force, if necessary - and then get ready, because tomorrow is just around the corner. There'll be plenty of opportunities then and there to fuck things up and then, we can just look back at that and go, "Well hell, that was a roller coaster of a ride" too! And honestly, that's what I wished everyone could do. Just take some stock of themselves, actually apply what they've learned throughout the years of their lives and then move on with their lives. Not everything is going to be all doom and gloom. There's always more things to look forward to.

I mean, come on, do you have any idea as to how many video games and movies that are slated for next year? Some good, some that others might not be looking forward to, but the overall point is this.

This is New Year's Eve. It's high time to just let shit go. Head on out to whatever New Year's party there is, watch the ball drop, get plastered, celebrate with a kiss when the ball drops and then, you just call it a wrap, head on home, relax and take some time to yourselves and for the love of god, just learn to breathe for god's sake.

Maybe I'm just asking a little bit much, maybe I'm not. I don't know what it is that I'm thinking of these days, but come on.

Still. This year... It was definitely a trying one. A taxing one. There was many challenges we've all faced before, but we've gotten through them, at least and have the battle scars to prove it, and trust me when I say that I know exactly how that feels, because I've sure as shit got a plethora of them as well from years before that. I mean, you wanna talk about bad years? How about 2013 up until about 2015? Shit, 2016 was by far one of my better ones, only because of the fact that I knew I was on my way back home from being homeless for so long. 2017 might have been a kick in the pants, but even still, I kept on moving forward and now, I'm right where I need to be. It might not have been one of my most productive ones, but again, I'm basically the right man in the wrong place making all the difference in the world, as the G-Man put it in the beginning intro of Half-Life 2.

But, I suppose I've rattled on long enough.

Here's to hoping 2022 starts off well for you, and for me as well.

Happy New Year, Journal.
 
Saturday Night,
January 8th, 2022

Hmph. Roughly one week into the new year and what do you know? It's more of the same, more or less.

You know, I really try with people most times. I understand if they're sick or tired, they might have a tendency to be a little more snappy than normal. But when you do decide to snap on me, I usually have two responses to them. I either shout back stating, hey, don't shoot the messenger and then turn around and walk off with a scowl or I just clam up, be stoic, give no further responses and just walk away. If you're family, yeah, I'll end up letting it go and we can just hug it out and let bygones be bygones.

Usually.

But I've been pretty critical of my family recently. I realize now it's not their fault for what they do and all that, but you know something, when you know you fucked up, you know you done fucked it up. Sometimes it's given me a pretty harsh karmic kick in the nuts, but... Well... I suppose that's how it is for me. Apparently me and Karma have a love-hate thing going on. But I'm okay with that and leave it there.

For other people outside of that, though... I suppose it varies. Say for example, right? You and I could be friends for a good... Five, ten, maybe even 15 years, right? We can bust each other's balls off and on and we'd never really go that far with each other. We can say some dumb stupid trash at each other and all that and we'd all go home having a big laugh at the whole thing. But the next instant when you go over that line of friendly trash talking and go straight into mean, malicious and deliberately hurtful is where you have to draw the line at. Or better yet, you can even trash talk to someone else that's connected to another friend even if it's harmless and all in good fun say in Discord for example, the other person sees it and then there's multiple pings going off and they get pissed at you for it, that's where I get the impression that maybe, we shouldn't have had the server in the first place if that's how it's gonna be, followed by maybe I shouldn't have been friends with you at all in the first place.

I just don't think I can take it much more like this. And even when things do go the way their supposed to, it all ends up as just one fight after another.

Maybe it's just better than I just clam up and let things go.

I don't mind talking to people these days, as a matter of fact, I love it very much. But why the sudden about-face in regards to talking to them?

Bah. What the hell am I even talking about?

Think I'll end it here. I've blathered on enough anyway.

And as always, I'll see you next time, journal.
 
Early Morning,
February 5th, 2022

I find it so funny that you think there's a bit of a communication issue with me as of recently.

Very funny indeed.

And yet, your method of communicating with me as of now has been nothing short of abrasive much like my cousin Linda, where she talked to me like I was retarded. But you know, I've sung that old song before. I've danced that same old dance before, too. And no matter how many times I did this, the result is always the same. I always fall silent while you scream your head off.

Then the threats come out, too. The only question I have to ask is this. Why haven't you followed through? But instead, your way of dealing with my supposed issue - note the air quotes here - was to put me on probation like I'm in fucking prison.

You think this is any way to treat someone who you consider a friend, huh? This makes me wonder as to how you've kept the relationships you've had. But let me let you in on a little secret. The next time you start this shit again, I'll let it slip that I'm already one foot out the door anyway, because as far as I'm concerned, you were never worth the aggravation, the hassle, the regret, the frustration, the anger, or the sadness.

I am just so sick of you. I am so sick of the way you talk to me like nothing I say matters, and that you know all there is to know about anything and everything.

After all is said and done, I will turn around and walk the fuck away. And all you're going to be left with is nothing but your sim, your friends - however many left there are, anyway - your animals, and more importantly, your dipshit of a "boyfriend". I was never really valued anyway. I was just a grunt who only did the jobs you didn't either have the gumption to do, knew how to do it or passed it off to somebody else.

And to think. I'm the only person left who even has the audacity to put up with you. And once I leave, you have nothing. You'll be right back to square one while I'll be high as a kite and relishing in my freedom. It hurts me having to say all this, but for what it's worth, I just can't deal with you anymore.

And I'm getting the feeling that you feel the same way, too. So do us both a favor and just cut me loose. I'm tired of this.

It was worth it to know you, but to keep you is a price I can't afford.

I'm tired.

I think I need some sleep. Maybe. I don't know.

Think I'll curl up in my chair this time.

See ya next time, journal.
 
Late Night,
February 25th, 2022

Peace and quiet for once. At least, for the time being, anyway. It kinda stinks that I had to fib to get away from a certain someone in order to to it, but considering the fact that after that last blowout argument like that over a few days ago, I just wanted to get away.

Or maybe it's just come to pass that I was never really the right type of person in the first place. Either I do things the wrong way, I get too far ahead and run off half-cocked or who the hell knows what else it is.

That, and getting cancelled was another thing, I suppose. All over some shit I said that I didn't even mean because I was getting frustrated with an argument that didn't even involve me about eight months ago. When it all came to surface this week, this would be the point where I just wanted to come unglued and throw everything she ever said or did to me at her at full force.

But yet... I just sat back and let her scream her head off. By that point, I was just done with it all and just wanted to get on with my life and leave it there.

I said it before, Journal and anyone who stumbles upon this little writer's garret of mine. You know as well as I do that I put up with a ton of shit these days. Sometimes more than you realize. It's bad enough that on top of all this, I basically have to deal with stuff around the house and all that, but dealing with her these days has been more of a hassle than ever before.

It's just like this one guy that was with her said all those years ago. She changes the rules so many times that no one really knows just what the game is anymore, and this is one game that I hate playing, even more so than any shitty game that I played in the past.

As of what happens past this point, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I am getting more and more tired of this, and any reason to get away from her is a win in my book.

I think that's enough for now. Anything further would just be a retread of things I said before.

Until then.
 
Thursday Evening,
March 10th, 2022

You know, it feels kinda nice having this moment of peace and quiet to myself for once. It feels even nicer knowing that if I wanted to, I get to pick where I want to go and just hang out there to either to talk to different people or just lay back and not have anything to talk about then just vibe for a while.

Or, if I want to, I don't have to do jack shit and just poof off of the radar and no one would know where I went. The reason why I say this is primarily because people these days just whittle down the very last reserves of patience I have, and to be honest, I don't want to end cracking somebody in the jaw for it.

So, shutting off the computer, grabbing my phone, put on YouTube, finding a 24/7 station of some chillwave, lofi or synthwave music has been the order of the night for a few nights, now that I also have dug out a couple of my Bluetooth speakers I have laying around.

From there, I can just ease back into my chair, put my feet up and then let the sweet rhythms of the night take me wherever they want to go and let my mind wander.

I don't think I've made it a secret about the fact that I need a break from the shit that happened to me over the past few weeks, because I never did.

Shit gets to be too much, y'know?

It's no one's fault, really. It's just I can't be bothered to listen to the problems of the world when I got problems of my own to sort out.

I suppose that is where I can leave this for right now. Don't feel like going into a huge post about it.

Take it easy, journal.

-----------------------

Slight Revision

Well bang goes that... Would it kill some people to know that maybe I don't want to be bothered? That maybe I'm not in the mood? No, they have to be up your ass all the fucking time.
 
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