The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

BlisteredBlood · Mar 11, 2022

Friday Late Afternoon,
March 11th, 2022

This was not on my list of things to do or hear about today. Then again, when it comes to things of this nature, it never is. It just shows up out of nowhere like a bad penny as of if to say, "Hey there, asshole. Remember me?"

So, I found out that my only remaining uncle who's also my godfather is now in hospice. For those of you who don't know what means, I'll give you the SparkNote version. It's Endsville, daddy-o. Where all rail service terminates. The final stop before the Long Goodbye. Course, one of my cousins relays this via screencap to my mom and when this happened, I asked her what happened, and then she just drops it on me.

Now, I've made it no secret that I've had mixed results with my family on mostly both sides, be it my mom's or my dad's. Some good. Some bad. Some others that I don't talk to too often or for some apparent reason, they don't speak with me. But for some reason, I've been kind of wondering as to why I haven't seen him around for a few months, especially since the last time I saw him was at the same hospital my mother went to when she had one of those asthma attacks of hers and for my mom, it was after the events of my cousin David's funeral.

As a matter of fact, out of all the family members that I do have some fond memories of, it was with my uncle/godfather Gerry. Sure, he wasn't exactly the easiest guy to get along with sometimes, but he meant well when it wasn't being a shit.

But I think, as of right now... The only thing I just want to do right now is just shut off and be left alone right now. I know it's not exactly the smartest move I could do right about now and maybe find some sort of outlet to just keep myself distracted and all that, but as far as I know with all this...

No. Not today. Tomorrow's not looking so good either. Though, if there's one thing I do wish for, the only thing I wish for now is to just hope for the best, and that God either grants my uncle either mercy or peace. As for me? I just hope I can get past this... Probably not... But I guess now time will only tell.

I'm tired. Really fucking tired.

Think that's where I'll end it for now.

------------------------------

Early Morning Update

Turns out he was released from hospice and is now home.

But if course, what the fuck do you know, no one - once the fuck again - tells us jack shit for whatever reason. Could be because of some petty grudge. I don't know anymore.

BlisteredBlood · Mar 14, 2022

Monday Late Night,
March 15th, 2022

So, it happened. My uncle passed away late last night, and for most of the day, all I did was just maintain a zero-contact deal because of the fact that I just did not want to interact with a soul save for maybe a few people that were in my immediate circle of family, this being my brother and my mother. The reason being is because of the fact that I was just numb to everything and everyone around me. Even during the time he was in hospice, I was just in such a funk that when it happened, I just shut off. I was drained, I felt exhausted and I just shut off everything. Games, my computer, my TV, my phone, everything was just off, off, off and off followed by pulling up YouTube on said phone, put on one of my Bluetooth speakers, turned on a 24/7 lo-fi station and just zoned the absolute fuck out.

Like I've said before especially in regards to my father, my uncle might not have been the easiest guy to have been around, but of all of his qualities, he was honest and fair along with being a smartass when he wanted to be, an absolute goofball when he felt like it, but he also tended to be a bit of a prick, but that was because he cared.

And yeah, sure, he and my mom might have had a few back-n-forths for god knows what reason, but it was only because they didn't agree on a few things. But this is what family - much like friendships - were about. They get on each other's nerves a few times, but then they work it out in the end because no one wants to see any bad blood come out of this. Nobody does.

Now if that were the case for another one of my late uncles, that would've been different, but that's not what I'm talking about here. The thing I'm talking about is that despite the literal everything that man has done or said to my mom, I might have had some things to disagree with him on, but I've never hated him. That's basically like kicking a puppy all because he took a gallon sized piss on your $1200 computer that ended up frying it. It's just not right.

But now that he's gone... That's it. The last generation of my mom's family is mostly gone. She's the only person left that this current generation has for an aunt and when she's gone, there's no one else. I just hope that for everyone else's sake that they too realize this before it's all too late, because once that happens...

A. I have it in my head that once I get a hold of my brother, I will ask him to get me out of this state entirely.
B. I will not want to talk to any one of either my dad's family nor my mom's family.
C. I will have gone somewhere where only my brother would know.
D. I will then proceed to live out the rest of my life unbothered by anyone, save for the few people who I do know.

It's unfortunate that I have this in my mind, but at the same time, that's just the thing. I don't know what caused all these goddamned feuds to begin with, but y'know what, I don't even have the mental capacity to deal with it anymore. I just want to move on with my life and be done with it all. It could also be that maybe I'm just speaking out of hurt and anger and you would have every right in saying that, but that's how I see it as.

I'm very tired. So very fucking tired.

And maybe, I should just wind down for the night. I think.

BlisteredBlood · Mar 26, 2022

Saturday Night,
March 28th, 2022

I'm not gonna mince words here, alright? I try to get along with people here. I may seem a little bit intimidating from time to time due to the fact that yeah, I might be a little on the heavy set side. I'm also about six foot one. I have a big ass beard. I might also not say much to people. But do I actively go out of my way just to pick fights with complete and total rando's just because I felt like it, or that I was in a bad mood or what-the-fuck-ever? No! I'd much rather get to know people and maybe sit and chill with them for a minute, shoot the breeze, y'know, hash things out like rational human beings do. If there was something bothering either of us, we can settle it with a little sitdown, talk it out and that way, we can come to some degree of consensus and that way, we can then move the fuck on with our lives before some shit goes down that doesn't need to.

But that wasn't the case today. So because of one little outburst that got this one chick that lives next door to us that - and in her words over a series of text messages exchanged between her and my mother - she felt unsafe. And what the fuck was it all over? Some shit that was said on Facebook that wasn't even in reference to her, but she took offense to the content without even looking into the context therein. But no, this draws out a single cop, and meanwhile, I'm sitting outside under this little gazebo for people who smoke seeing the white-n-blue SUV pulling in and during this, my mom was sitting downstairs with a neighbor friend of my mom's before I then come in next. First, I get ma's attention, tell her the cop's up there on the second floor and we end up talking to him and hash it out there. Not being stupid, I first empty my pockets of my wallet that has my ID, my housekey and the lighter I had and put them in both hands, because I ain't stupid. I know how this goes, I've seen it more than enough times and no, I wasn't going to do what those guys did unless I wanna end up in the forever box because of a major league fucky-wucky, as Donut Operator would say when it came to situations involving a cop. I even went so far as to put both my hands up and turn around for him in a full circle, too, with an added remark of, "Hey, you can search me if you want to! I got nothing else but what was in my hands!"

So, we exchanged phone numbers, I tacked them into both the house phone and in my cell phone if in case if there was any... Shall we say... AHEM. Suspected dirty dealings. Course there was another matter that ma brought up and wanted to know what to do about something else she had she had been meaning to get rid of.

But yeah. I was not in a good mood today. But if there's one thing a certain someone should know, is that if she even so much as breathes in my mother's general direction the wrong way, she'd better be on the lookout for the vicious right hook that I know my mother for, and she had also better be on the lookout for me, because I'll knock her teeth down her fucking throat. But if she wants to bring us all to court over what amounted to a little spat, she can go ahead and try, because it's gonna get laughed out.

And don't think for a minute that I don't know who's orchestrating this charade, because I know damn well who.

But I suppose that's enough for me for now. Besides, I got some old episodes of Monday Night Raw to watch and relive my younger years, back in a time when pro wrestling meant a damn.

BlisteredBlood · Apr 17, 2022

Easter Sunday Late Night,
April 17th, 2022

Haven't had much to think about since for a while, and to be honest, that reason being was primarily because I haven't had very many complaints, aside from the usual aches and pains I've had.

What's new was that I've grabbed the latest expansion of Guild Wars 2 called End of Dragons, been playing that for a while, managed to get to the end game surprisingly quickly, given the sheer amount of magnitude the new Cantha areas are, and because of that, the world map itself just doubled in size. Like, yeah, I knew the maps were massive to walk through without a mount, but if you're just bullshitting through it and plodding through it on foot, you're gonna come to realize just how small and insignificant you are as you traverse around. Speaking of mounts, you get a skiff and after doing some stuff from metas, fishing and the like, you'll end up getting another mount in the Siege Turtle, which is exactly as it sounds. You and another person can open up a 10 ton jug of whoop-ass on four legs with a couple cannons on its back. Provided they know when and where to aim and shoot, anyhow.

Otherwise, I've been playing pinball games on EGS, another old past time I used to enjoy from my younger years. Specifically, PinballFX and Demon's Tilt, something that immediately reminds me of Devil Crash MD in terms of soundtrack and mechanics on its slightly tougher EX Mode.

Beyond all of that though...

Huh. Gonna be 37 in the next couple days. And about the only people who'll care are gonna be my mom, my brother and probably no one else. Everybody else has either fucked right off, cast me aside and otherwise forgotten I even existed. Nah, I know some old friends of mine from my high school years and other people I've met online over the years will more than likely remember, but that's about it.

Ah well. I'm used to it by now. It's just too bad that that's what it's all boiled on down to. I just hope and pray that when the time comes, those people who I used to call my cousins and people that are on my dad's side of the family doesn't come and look for me and my brother, because chances are good I'll be long gone by then and never come back here to this god-forsaken state. I know what I have planned in my mind and maybe it'll be the most lonely existence I'll ever live, but as long as I keep to myself, work hard and never interact with people, I'll be just fine. I never needed their input into my life anyway since they were only around for the sake of convenience anyway.

Sounds pretty dour, huh? To think that 10 years ago around this time, I was far happier than this. I was months out from graduating from MTTI and getting ready for some internships I had laid out and then... It all just went to shit. I mean sure, I was still stressed every once and again, but this was because I had schoolwork and shit to pass the time. Now all I have is just...

This. This and maybe auctioneering on Second Life, a podcast that we do once a month before that got shelved for a few weeks due to either RL circumstances or someone had a total meltdown and it started to cause ripple effects that none of us were really prepared for. But at least that's started up again. As for auctions...

I don't think I'll be doing those for much more. I think people know that without my cohort around, I'm just a dead fish who can't sell worth a fuck.

Then an idea came up from another friend of mine to bring the podcast from Discord into Second Life. Honestly, I actually like the idea on paper. Now I just need to see the studio itself when he gets it all set up.

On that note, I'm gonna head out for now. This might be another one of those short entries, but considering there's really not much that's been going on, it's pretty much par for the course.

See ya later, journal.

BlisteredBlood · Apr 18, 2022

Monday Night,
April 18th, 2022

Happy Birthday in heaven, my little brother. You might have been a little pain in the ass, but you were my little pain in the ass and I could not have asked for anything more from you. You were fourth from the runt, and you were no bigger than the palm of my hand when you came into this world 11 years ago. To think you grew to be as big as you were made me wonder what it was we fed you at first, but you were a good boy. I'll always miss you as much as I do my Ooglie and everybody else that's up there with you past the rainbow bridge.

I didn't think about it much today, but when I started to and look at old photos of you, as well as all those old posts I've either made, my cousin Michelle made or ma... All I can do is just sit there and look at them with sadness in my eyes. Perhaps that's why I was in such a mess today as well. I just didn't feel like myself. But perhaps one day this pain I feel in my heart will go away, but as of right now... I still can't.

And I don't think it ever will. Much like with everything else that's happened to me over the years.

Short thought, but... I just don't feel like it tonight.

BlisteredBlood · Apr 20, 2022

Wednesday Morning,
April 20th, 2022

I didn't expect much out of my birthday. Hell, I would've even accepted the fact that people would've left me alone. I would've even accepted the Redout game I got from my brother and then that would've been enough and moved on with my day the way I usually do. I would've also have been fine with the fact if you told me straight to my face to go fuck off and die. I really and truly could have. But then, a certain you know who decided to show up, knowing full well that I either have been trying like hell to help my mother since she's been dealing with a nasty COPD flare-up, who then proceeds to ruin everything about it by being an abrasive bitch, asking me questions like, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO ANSWER YOUR PHONE?!?!", screaming into my face like I'm retarded, and being a total cunt.

All because she was getting sick and tired of playing games late at night and didn't like being put off until later, like she wants to monopolize my time.

No. No, no. No and more no.

First off. Did it ever occur to you that my mother's been ill? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I might have fucked up my back having to help her out of that goddamn chair that's on the fritz? No, you don't think. That's where at least 90% of your problems lie. And then the insults come out as we're playing Guild Wars 2, a game I want to enjoy at my own pace and go into my own direction, but no. Everything I do is either scrutinized, blown off, or even when I ask a general question, it's ridiculed.

You know, I think I've come to realize something. You're awful as a person. No, you're awful in general. And yet, you wonder as to why I even said half of the things about you. Yes, I was frustrated about the ongoing spat between you and that one girl all those years ago, but you know something? The more I think about it now, the more that I just sit there and think to myself that I never should've been in the middle of this in the first place.

And yes. One time alone during an auction I was preparing for, she showed up and said to me, "Long time no see.."

I didn't answer her. If anything, I pretended to be AFK and continued to listen to some music as I was waiting for the clock to start. It went over alright. But after that, I never saw anyone else come to my auctions for two weeks straight, leaving me to think that without you around, I was pretty much a dead fish. Then a couple weeks later, I come to find out that the place I worked for then got switched over to new owners, with one of them asking me if I wanted to keep on doing wht I was doing under them. Lately, with how I feel, I don't even feel up to it anymore. Or to be more specific, I don't even feel up to it at all in general. The reason being is the moment I do, it's all just going to be the same tired old thing over and over, and hell, even if you knew I did go back to the auctioneering grind, you'd just be pissed at me regardless. To that end, I just throw my hands up and say to hell with it.

Fuck 'em all, because I could not care about you, I could not care about auctioneering again, I could not care about you, I could not care about your problems, I just don't care in general.

Ah, hell, you've heard me go about this all before so many times, journal. So what makes this one another one of those bitchfits you've seen me write into you any different?

Well, it was my birthday. I kept my expectations low, and still, I ended up with nothing but disappointment and aggravation.

Then again, what the fuck does it matter? That's right. None of it does.

So at this point, lemme just wrap this up. I'm gonna go back to sleep.

Later.

BlisteredBlood · Jun 14, 2022

Late Night,
June 14th, 2022

Five years.

You know, it still hurts to talk about you in past tense, old man. It still bothers me even now, but not nearly as much. I suppose I've long since gotten over it, that maybe I'm finally at peace. But when I still think about this day and what it meant to me as the day four days removed from Father's Day, I look at it and I just... Stare at it. Blankly. Like I'm supposed to accept the fact that you're no longer here. That you're somewhere in some far away place and that maybe, just maybe, that you're also at peace where you are.

And as for what's changed old man, I can say quite a lot has. I'm another year older now, my body isn't exactly what it was all those years ago, and now, I suppose some new problems have crept up on me because of how careless I was.

About a couple weeks ago, and just out of a whim, my mother told me to come over and check my blood sugar, and as it turns out, it blew a 505 somehow. So, I guess I gotta be more careful with what I eat now. Sciatica also paid me a visit at one point about a few months back, and it was the damnedest thing, too. I was just looking to take the trash out and as I bent over to take the bag out of the bin, something wiggled in my lower back before a feeling of getting hit by a baseball bat went off in there. RJ's still out there in California with Ashley and Nick, and probably is gonna be stuck out there until this whole mess with the pandemic finally dies off. Of course, ma's still doing okay, but apparently, she breaks out into hives whenever she gets direct sunlight on her.

As for what else, Uncle Gerry passed away a few months ago. That kinda hit me hard. And ma's the only one left out of everybody in her family now, old man. And more than likely, she'll probably out live them all., with how stubborn she can be.

But you know, the whole fiasco surrounding it all was just a mess. I ended up being a private affair, denying mom her final goodbye to her only remaining brother. But... Well... Least we got to say our final goodbyes on the obit that was left there on his Facebook page. You'd probably laugh at the fact that after all of these years, I still refer to him as Batman, because he would always bust my ass about it.

But yeah. There that is in a nutshell, old man. Lotta things have happened while you've been gone. I'm still here, doing my thing and all that. RJ's been doing his think, not needing much since he still works. Mom's still doing okay, despite she's been driving me up the wall most times. Then from there, it's just been... Trying, I guess. I dunno. Been trying not to think about much, but considering the circumstances, it's been kinda hard not to.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well get going for right now. Besides, I don't wanna bother you for too long. I just wanted to come here and pay my respects before I forget. And honestly, I don't want to; not for as long as I live.

Sleep with the angels, dad. I miss you and after all this time, I still love you.

BlisteredBlood · Jul 10, 2022

Sunday Afternoon,
July 10th, 2022

Huh. Haven't had much to write about in a while. Under a normal circumstance, I'd say that'd be a good thing. By the same flip of the coin, I've also tried distancing myself from this for a while, because to be honest, writing about the same things about this person said this, this thing happened here just gets so tiring after a time and to the... What... four or five of you who decide - or accidentally, I don't know - to to stumble upon this would probably get sick and tired of hearing about it, too.

So, to keep it brief, I'll sum it up for you like this: People suck. They're inconsiderate fuckwits who only care about their own needs before your own and are far too nosy and want to know everything about you or what you have or make such an insensitive comment about what you do, how you do it or even what you look like that it gets to the point where you want to point out to them about all the hypocrisies they're guilty of. They'll also make this claim that they were considered geniuses when in reality, they're no different than the common person you see walking out in the street. Sure, they can profess this from the highest mountain top all day long, but when it comes to the common sense department, they got nothing allocated to it. More to the point, you could be on Death's Doorstep and no matter how anyone could explain it, they'll just make everything be about them and fuck you in general followed by talking to you like you're a fucking retard before turning around and walking the fuck off like their shit don't stink, when in the past, whenever they felt like shit, you were kind enough to let them get some rest and try to sleep it off, maybe come back another time and all that hot garbage. Even in video games of any kind, you get bitched at for either being too fast, too slow, too big, too ugly looking, too this, too that, like what the actual fuck, do they even wanna play my characters now or even play half of the games I do? Then if not, they can shut their goddamn mouths about it and leave me out of it.

Oh, and here's an aside to that. I was asked to try out Diablo Immortal recently. I said no, that I did not want anything to do with Activision-Blizzard for a variety of different reasons and then, I get chewed out for it because I'm being unfair towards a game I didn't play or that I'm being too harsh.

Look, after the debacle that was the game's press conference where they devs said some of the most obnoxious shit and after so many other scandals and shit that came out, I just looked at it all and said, "Nah. Hard pass." And the simple fact that you chose to support a game with by honestly one of the most predatory lootbox systems I've ever seen, it tells me that you not only have no taste, no shame, no scruples and are openly willing to take that money dick up your ass all the time for them to suck it all out of you. Like I've heard reports of people paying upwards of at least $10,000 and still not guaranteed to get the reward item from completing quests and shit.

But I suppose that's my fault because, once again, I'm the bad guy here. I'm so ill-informed. I'm so harsh. I'm being unfair because I didn't play this game at all.

The fuck do you mean? Soon as I saw that conference back then, my mind was made up. I mean hell, I actually ended up forgetting about that game until you brought it up again. And with people like this trying to force it onto me, yeah, that made me start to rethink my stance on the company I keep. Matter of fact, I'm barely tolerating Guild Wars 2 enough as it is after sinking another $30 dollars for an expansion that while offered a lot in terms of class specializations, maps and other things to do, and then went out of my way to crate my fiifth and final character that I'll ever play as. And speak of whom, I was also trying to get into the Zhaitan campaign a little further when you then messaged me out of the blue calling me a jerk. And for the record while we're at it, I was trying my hardest to come down from a massive migraine headache that you then blew it off as nothing more than excuse.

You know, it's rather fitting that you chose to be a Sylvari with your new character. Because now, it showed me how much of a fucking prick you are.

Or maybe, I should just uninstall the fucker altogether because thanks to you, you're the one who's ruined it for me now. I'm trying to get caught up in my asuran's campaign and now, I don't even care to advance him any further. I've pretty much given up on Lake Doric because you said you hated it. And doing all these achievements for something so miniscule is getting to be more and more of a hassle.

You know, I have more than enough other games I can be playing right about now. I mean hell, my latest shrine being Car Mechanic Simulator 2018. Even though it's on the Epic Games Store platform, I can jump into it, work on some cars with music I prefer to listen to, not even bother having Discord running in the back and not bothering with you, because you've become such a shitty person these days. And you really have. But hey, I suppose that's also my fault, too that I've been in not so great of shape.

No excuse, you told me. No fucking excuse? So you're blaming me that I haven't been feeling well? You bitch. No, on second thought, calling you a bitch is an insult to female dogs. As a matter of fact, if you drop the T in bitch, it comes out as bich which translated from Latin is generosity, WHICH YOU HAVE A MAJOR DEFICIENCY OF.

No excuse. Fuck off with that.

I know I siad I'd keep it brief, but... Well... Old habits die hard, I suppose.

People piss me off these days. And on that note, I think I may nap for a bit.

Until then, Journal...

BlisteredBlood · Oct 19, 2022

Wednesday Morning,
October 19th, 2022

Been a while, eh?

Well, I suppose there's no better time to say it. I made a big booboo for the first time with this PC I'm on. I accidentally broke one of the power cables that went to my hard drives about last week, and it took about four days to get a new set of them here, along with getting my SSD in there. Why I didn't think of this years ago, I'm still trying to figure that part out. My guess was I was running short on cash and I didn't wanna be a hinderance on anyone.

But, at least I managed to get it up and running now, and this came hot off the heels of the fact that I was looking to play Yakuza 0 again, but this time on Steam. I know I got it off on XBOX Game Pass through my brother's account, but you know, I just wanted a copy of it all to myself for once. As for what else has been going on, it's been... Relatively quiet for once. Despite there was the one thing about someone dying in their apartment about a few days ago, and as it turned out, the guy there was a big time dope dealer. I mean, I get the fact that the guy hadn't been been all there due to the loss of his brother for pretty much the same exact reason, but if you're that down and in the dumps about it, all I can say is for the love of God, get some help. Seek therapy. Hell, turn to something other than a line of cocaine, a bottle of hooch, or something!

I say this not as a bleeding heart or in sarcasm, but as someone whose been there before. I make no bones about it when I say that as you can plainly see that I've been so far down that I don't know which way is up, let alone out. There've even been times where I just thought about giving it all up and just wander off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from until the time I felt it was right, let alone at all.

But yet... I've held on. I stuck to my guns. I held strong not for my own sake, but for sake of others, because those people needed me. They wanted me around. They would miss me.

So. Like I said. I just held myself together long enough to be the support they needed.

But you know... I've often had a thought. That after the literal everything that happened to me and my family over the course of the seven years that I was homeless for as of the 6th, I've had this thought that now that we're not needed anymore... I just think that I guess that's that. We were just there for the sake of convenience and that was that. At the same time, I've even thought about just letting it all go in the same way they've all let us go. The more that I think about it now, it just seems like it's more and more of a better idea.

I'm okay with that. Really and truly.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well leave this here. Besides, I feel a little nap coming on and I've been up too damn long.

Until we meet again, Journal. Maybe I'll have more to write about next time.

BlisteredBlood · Nov 18, 2022

Late Night,
November 18th, 2022

Been a while... Yet again...

And yet, it was for a reason that I think I would rather not wish on anyone.

To start things off, I suppose I would have to rewind the clock to the end of October, right around the night before Halloween, where I would be working on a personal project of mine and I was quite literally right at about the final part of putting it all together when I hear a knock on the door, and under the assumption that it might have been a neighbor friend of my mom's, I pull myself away from my computer and wander over to it and who do I see there? Well, it wasn't her.

It was my aunt's boyfriend standing there and with a hint of confusion on my face, I ask him, hey, what's up? He then asked me if my mom was awake, I said no, she was asleep. What I wasn't really prepared for then, was for him to start ranting and raving to me about some curtains that my mother was supposed to have had done for him, and that he had been waiting on this for several months and on and on, and during all of this, I had also been dealing with a deathly ill cat who probably wouldn't make the night due to what was found out to be breast cancer. So yeah, I'm trying my absolute hardest to not think about that inevitability, I'm trying to distract myself, and here comes this guy bitching about something that had no bearing to me whatsoever, and then... and then... he concludes his bitching and grousing by insulting my mother to my face that she was a "massive disappointment."

...Tch. Excuse the fuck outta me??? EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME???

After EVERYTHING she and I did for him that seldom few would ever do? Not to mention, right? She had been not feeling all that well as of recently due to being sick herself, and he had the nerve, the balls, the spine and the gall to put me into the middle of some bitchfit that didn't matter to me in the first goddamn place, especially when this is the thanks I get for helping that fucking degenerate get his shit into his apartment in the first fucking place, and he didn't even raise not one finger to help?

Nuh uh. Not in this lifetime nor the next. Fuck that. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, too.

While I didn't word it like that because he would then turn and shamble his barely alive corpse back to his place, leaving me there to basically sort it out in my mind of what the hell he was even talking about, I would then close the door with that same look on my face. Eventually, my mom wakes up and she calls me over to her wondering who it was she heard screaming at me from the bedroom. I told her who it was and when I explained it all to her, she then provides me the context I explained above and when it all came together...

I came unglued.

Not just angry. Not just furious. Not seething. I was absolutely fucking LIVID. So then, I began to blow up. Steam was pouring out of me. I was beside myself in rage. I was snarling mad. I would then scream out that if she was a disappointment that he so claimed, then he was PATHETIC. She tries to get me to calm down, but I was just not having it. Not now. Not any time soon.

Then we get into the subject of the curtains themselves. When we get into it, I then look her straight in the eyes and demand outright to give me the curtains and that I would give them to him myself. She tries to tell me no, she would do it and everything would be fine, but I told her no repeatedly and then, she gives them to me along with his tape measure.

I would go down the hallway wreathed in flames with every step I took until I came down to his door and when I did, I knocked hard on the door three times.

Fucker wouldn't answer the door or wasn't there. So then, I take the elevator down and while I was still in the middle of that rage, I was about to head over to my aunt's place when I get stopped by another neighbor who then asked me what was going on, and I gave her the short version of it all, although my voice was still raised and I was getting a really sinister smile on my face, giggling like an absolute madman that had the most evil of intentions and so on until she took the elevator up.

Eventually I was left alone for a time and I was still thinking he was still there at her place until then, I get back on the elevator and go back upstairs and stomp back to my place with the curtains in tow and then I said to her that he wasn't there. So, she takes the curtains and tape measure from me, then writes a little note to him, expressing how sorry she was - you'll note the italics here - of how much of a disappointment she was, before packing everything into a grocery bag for me to take back and when I did, I didn't just hang the thing on his door, no. I walked back to his place, creating earthquakes with every step I took until I get there and when I did, I drew back and threw the bag into his door before turning around and walking back off thunderously, muttering under my breath that I didn't have the time to deal with this bullshit.

That would've been the end of it, but it wasn't. Eventually, me and my mother both got onto Facebook that night where we first made individual posts before we crossed onto her post and hashed it out there. But I guess word got to my cousins on my aunt's side and I suppose they both didn't like what were implying even if it wasn't directed to them. Even then, a few days afterward, they all stonewalled my mother and blocked her, so in retaliation to that, she ended up blocking them and I ended up taking them all off of mine.

At this point, I refused to hold anything back. I refused to abide by my mom's wishes and I chose to throw as many punches below the belt as I could, because I was just sick of thinking rationally. I was sick and tired of playing nice. No one in their right minds did anything for me or for my mother when she was sick, I was bouncing up and down the state while she was in rehab recovering from being put into a coma and I was going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter, and I most certainly WAS NOT forgiving my aunt for basically throwing me under the bus just so she could teach my mother a "valuable lesson." Though by proxy, I could also say the same for my brother for telling me to step out of his place for that night because he wanted some "personal time" with his wife, but he's apologized to me for that. It's just gonna be a sore spot for me for a time. But as for her? No. I will not forgive her for that, nor do I want the apology from her.

Over 30 years of being friends, huh? What was it all for? All gone up in smoke over some fucking ratty ass curtains that literally anybody else could've fixed up while my mother was sick? Yeah, sure. Just goes to show how fucking trivial they were in the end.

No more. And those two words I wrote on my wall will stand as a testament to that fact.

Never again.

I am nobody's fool. I am nobody's pawn. I am no one's ammo. I am nobody's clown. I am no one's agent. I'm no one's albatross. I am nothing to no one and never will be. Karma would be wise to move faster, and if not, then to hell with her. More specifically, to hell with them. They can all make new friends somewhere else and can all leave me the fuck alone. If those two dimwits that I call my cousins choose to get in the middle of this with me, then they're in for a rude wake up call when it all comes out.

And then...

Around 5:34 in the morning... Right on All Hallow's Eve... My calico Ella draws her last breath.

Now... I want you all to picture this. While I was still seething in anger from the night before... Seeing my cat passing away before me and my mother... Simply put... I broke in another way. I was a literaly hurricane of different emotions at that point. And by then, I was just done. I did not want to talk to anyone - still won't as of now - for fear that I might strike out and latch my hands around someone's throat and strangle them all to death, bludgeon someone over the head with a baseball bat, or even worse than all of what I wrote.

So... I just stayed away from everyone as I took my cat Ella in her box to Convenient Care, where my cousin Amy - on my mom's side - worked to have Ella creamated. We did this for the reason that she had a home. She was well cared for up until her final day and then... Some days later, we get her ashes back, where as of now, they reside in the hutch alongside her son's ashes.... And my father's.

I think my mom and I came to agreement a few nights ago. This place has taken so much from us. This city, hell, this state in general has taken so much from her and her respectively and has given nothing back. Nothing but stupidity, selfishness, spitefulness and hatred.

You know... I tried asking God to take this anger and bitterness out from my heart, because I just don't have what it takes anymore to carry it. But I suppose even now, I still carry it with me like it's my own personal cross to bear. Well... All I got to say to that is fine. I'll carry this fucker. No one else is gonna either alleviate my pain, no one else is going to help with this terrible heartache I have and no one is going to take this anger from me, so that's just fine. I never needed anyone's sympathy. I never needed anyone's pity.

It's all just fine now. But I do hope thye know of what goes around, comes around. And when it does come around, I sincerely hope it hurts tenfold of what they did to us. No, I hope it hurts a thousand-fold. I'm tired of playing nice in the sandbox. I wasn't put on this earth to blow sunshine up anyone's ass. I'm tired of being disallowed to feel what I feel, even if I know I'm right about it. I'm tired of keeping my words soft and sweet when they were they ones who threw the first insult.

No.

No more. And once again, with alacrity and emphasis...

Never. The fuck. Again. End of discussion. End of subject. End of line. End of list. End of everything that it all entails. It's just they're done. And they're of no relation to me.

And the sooner me and ma leave this place, the better off I'll be. Perhaps she'll feel better about it, too, but... Well, let's just wait and see what happens. I hope.

I suppose I might as well cut it here. I'm just so done with everything. So done. So fucking done.

I'm starting to wind down now, so I'mma leave it here.

So, I guess I'll see ya next time, Journal...

BlisteredBlood · Dec 1, 2022

Early Morning,
December 1st, 2022

Happy Birthday in Heaven, old man. I know I said I wouldn't make this a habitual thing, but... I can't help it at this point. It just seems like no matter how hard I try... I can never get away from it. You'd be 69 now. Probably your favorite number, all things considered... After all, how do you think me and RJ got here, huh?

But seriously... I can't help but think about you. I also can't help but think of all the regrets I carried from that point when ma took me away from here... I also think about the things we said to each other and I know none of what happened was your fault... I know it couldn't be helped... But at the same time, I also know I can't do anything about it now that things happened the way they did.

But if I could have at least one more day with you, even if it's for just one fleeting moments... I'd trade all the others away for that one day to just sit and talk to you... And just bury whatever hatchets we all had. That's all I'd ever ask.

It still hurts to talk about you in past tense. I know I should be over it now, but... I just can't.

Maybe that's been why I've been in such a gloomy mood over the past few days, knowing that this day would arrive yet again on the calendar, and I'd have to sit here and be reminded of it every single goddamn time, just like I have to reminded of that fateful day back in Woonsocket when I was getting ready for work just four days from Father's Day...

I just don't know anymore.

I just don't know.

I do know one thing.

That smile I've had for years isn't there anymore. Hasn't been there for the longest time. Not since you've been gone. No since Uncle Tommy's been gone... Not since Tux, or Ella, or Ooglie, or even Tigger for that matter.

Not even since the night before Halloween when that degenerate insulted mom right in front of my face.

I think it might be time for me to leave this state for good. And I'll be goddamned if I stay here for another year, another month, another day, another minute or even another second past that. There's nothing connecting me to here anymore. Everyone's either packed up and left town, died, went to jail or died while in jail. Frankly, I'm not sure which, but the reason itself wouldn't be too farfetched.

I think I also need some sleep... I'm tired...

I doubt I'll come back to write more... But if I do... it'll probably just to tell more stories, even if it's ones I've already told. We'll see how I am later today.

Once again, happy biorthday, old man. I hope you're sleeping well where you are.Just know I'm still doing okay.

...No, I'm not.

BlisteredBlood · Dec 2, 2022

Late Night,
December 2nd, 2022

Perhaps ma was right about a few things about me.

I have indeed changed. I used to see the good in all things when I was a kid. I used to believe that people had the best of intentions. But as I grew older, I began to see things for what they really were, and my eyes opened to see the reality of how things truly are; that people can be absolute savages that are only out for themselves and can never be trusted.

She's right.

My eyes have been opened to the cruelty of what people are capable of. They're quick to try to stab you in the back when you're not looking at them for longer than 10 seconds if you take your eyes off them and then try to blame you for it even if the blood is on their hands. They're only there for the sake of convenience and as soon as they have had their fill, they then brush you off to the side as if you were never there and move on to the next poor sucker to give them the same tired sob story to anyone who'll listen to them.

But you know what? I don't hold anything against them. Some of them were my family, regardless of whose side it was on. It could be my cousins. It could be my brother. It could be my aunts on my dad's side. It could be anybody for that matter. It literally could be anyone. But I don't hate anybody.

Or. Wait. No. That's not entirely accurate. There are some people who I've had taken extreme measures to never speak with for a variety of reasons that you've heard me go on about before. There's very few, however, that I've legitimately despised. Lately, however, that list has grown to a considerable degree where I've taken notice what people have been saying whether it's about me in some form of degree or another. In response to that, and this was something I've then put to a thought, and it's a slight modification of my mother's Three Big M's.

For me, I call it my Six Big No-No's.

Right off the rip, you can say whatever it is you want about me to my face. I couldn't give the faintest of a fuck.

However. The six things you don't mess are as follows:

1. You don't fuck with my family.
2. You don't hurt my friends.
3. you don't fuck with my money.
4. You don't mess with my ego.
5. You don't fuck with my personality.
6. You don't waste my time.

I can't really say for certain if these are items I could reorder, but these are terms that are non-negotiable. But then again, ego and personality are both one and the same, so... I dunno. Might have to rethink that one. And lately, people have broken these rules time and time again, which is why I've then put some distance behind me from them. Whether they know it that they fucked up or not and are wanting to apologize for what they've done is not up for debate. That's on them to figure out on their own.

But yeah. I guess, maybe, I have indeed changed. I used to be far happier. I used to be far more trusting. I used to be far more approachable. I used to be that social butterfly who wouldn't shut up if I were to get on a certain topic, and what I've changed into is a stoic, cynical, jaded, angry and bitter that just hides off into the corner of his own world and refuses to come out unless if it's because I have to get something from the store, walk the dog or take out the trash or when I was at Stop & Shop going to work. Sometimes, even go out for a cigarette. I'll maybe say hello to a few people in the hall as I go by, but that's it. I don't say anything to anybody else, and that's for a good reason.

I'll say what I said to my mother when we first got here. When we get in here, I'm not here to make friends. I'm not here to be all buddy-buddy with anyone. All I want is to just be left well enough alone, because after the absolute everything we've been through before this moment, I just don't want to hear it from anybody. Yeah, everyone's got their own sob stories about those things, I get it. But me? I'm not in the mood for sharing stories like that these days as they're major league sore spots. As a matter of fact, those are something I've already documented those thoughts here so that anybody who just so stumbled upon this reads it.

I make no bones about it that my life is pretty much an open book.

All of my successes. All of my failures. All of my tragedies. All of my funny thoughts. All of my not-so-funny thoughts. Everything and then some is out there in the wild.

But the one thing I've never done is hold anything back, even if it was something that was far too heavy to handle or if it amounts to nothing but chickenscratch and gibberish. Least that's how I feel about it.

I dunno.

Bit of a brain dump, yeah, I know. But... Well... you know how I am.

Might as well wrap this up. I think I've said enough tonight.

BlisteredBlood · Dec 31, 2022

One Hour Before The Ball Drop,
December 31st, 2022

Well. This year was certainly a thing. With so much promises, only to be met with constant disappointment after constant disappointments, is it any wonder as to why I've decided to distance myself from everything and everyone? Or maybe, it's also the reason as to why I've basically stopped caring after what people have either done to me, shown to me and otherwise have just flat out given up altogether.

This year has not given me many hopes. And I know I'm being a Negative Nancy about this, but you'd be too if you were mixed in with someone else who they should've been talking to instead of you at one point as your cat was drawing her final breath on the night before Halloween, were eventually struck with COVID and made to generally be made out to be the bad guy for generally every little thing that you do. So at this point, and because no one heeded that little warning of a post I made back in 2020 on Facebook, I'm only going to reissue it so that people will know that if you chose to burn bridges with me, then they need to make sure that I, my mother or my brother are never needed again, because I have no time to deal with people like them any further.

And I hope those that I "considered" to be family and/or friends heed that warning... Because that's the only time I'm ever to going to do that.

Still... 2022. Perhaps one of the single most batshit crazy years that I've ever had the displeasure of being a part of, but there ya have it. I'm glad that it's over, but at the same time, 2023 isn't giving me much hopes either other than to just tow the line and hope for the best, but keep my expectations low.

Maybe things will turn around. I'm not sure.

And with that, I'm off to go watch the Ball Drop as I usually do while my mom watches the marathon of Twilight Zone.

Here's to 2023. May yours be better than mine.

BlisteredBlood · Jan 12, 2023

Thursday Night,
January 12th, 2023

I almost forgot about something. This marks 14 years since I've come here as of January 9th of 2009.

Probably longer than that ever since the very beginning of this website in general. I think it's actually been 17 years, since this place had its humble beginnings back on a free forum from three years prior to this one. Then we went onto another one that had an interface that looked like total ass and then we came onto this one and have been here since this place opened. Though of course, there was one thing I had to keep in mind of that I wasn't supposed to have said anything to anyone until everything was set in stone. Once everything was done, the gates opened and lookie what we have now.

I still find it funny as to how this all began. It started out as an alternative to Darker Roleplay, mainly because of the incompetence of its own staff as it was seemingly being a revolving door of higher ups. At least, that's what I could remember. The rest of which is still kind of hazy in my mind, but then again, late-30s boomer ass memory is starting to catch up with me.

To know this website is still going for as long as it has makes me smile. As a matter of fact, I don't have any regrets for it. There might have been a few things I wished I could've been more active for, but I suppose that's probably for the best. The last thing the staff at the time would've had wanted was some crackerjack basket case on their hands who would've cussed out a mean blue streak on someone who (probably) deserved it...

And probably got shitcanned for it.

Heh.

Ah, well. Who knows what would've happened. There's a lot of things I wished I could've done differently had I been given the chance, but as it stands, I'm fine with it now. My one hope is that this site keeps going for as long as possible and extends its reach out to as far as it can go. When it's at its end though, whenever that will be, is that it ends as gracefully as it began and remain ever so humble.

Here's to you, BMR. Stay classy, and more importantly, stay gold.

Short thought, but ehh. That's how it goes. See ya next time.

BlisteredBlood · Jan 17, 2023

Tuesday Night,
January 17th, 2023

You finally get it, ma. You now know what it I've been trying to tell you ever since we first got here several years ago, that I didn't want to be friends with anyone here. I just wanted to be left the fuck alone and that maybe, just maybe, I would probably come out to people, maybe talk with them a bit and so on and so forth. I suppose I should've been using a little more clarification on that front, since I said I didn't want to be friends with anybody at first. I was still a little hard-wired from the absolute everything that we had been dealing with at the time, and these people weren't going to be the ones to handle all that.

You might have been a little bit slow to catch on, but at the same time, I think you needed to know what it was I was talking about. You needed a good shock to your system; something to get you to wake up and see the bigger picture. Not everyone in this building had our best interests at heart. They were only here to either see what we have, wanted to know what was in our pockets and ultimately, they were going to try to swindle you in some fashion or another, or try to drive a wedge between us so they could try and muscle their ways in. With the way someone so brazenly asked you if you know where they could get a bag of heroin at around here might have finally been the tipping point. Again, you might have been a little bit late to catch onto it, ma, but I'm glad you're now realizing this. It might have come at a great cost to you in terms of all the time, the effort and the aggravation, but I hold nothing against you for it. I just wished you knew this sooner.

And you know something, journal? I kept my expectations horrendously low this year. I've even pushed the goal posts so close to them that you could hawk a loogie between the uprights. It was so easy. More to the point, the only thing that I asked for was for people to quit being fucking stupid for once, actually think about what it is that they were doing and then just shutting up and going the fuck away.

Nope! They couldn't even get that part right. As a matter of fact, it wasn't even a full calendar week into the New Year before someone had to just fuck things up for the rest of us. This honestly has to be a new record, but hey, I'm sure worse has happened somewere else.

Ah well. Think that'll be enough from me tonight.

See ya next time.

BlisteredBlood · Jan 30, 2023

Monday Late Afternoon,
January 30th, 2023

I try to get along with people. I really and truly do. But then, some people only want to drag you through the mud over the littlest of things these days. Frankly, this doesn't surprise me much, because this has been a recurring staple for five to about eight years now. I try and understand some people with where they're coming from. I even try my hardest to even actively want to do things with people, too.

But yet... Once again, I've been made out to be the bad guy once the fuck again. Not gonna get into why, since this is basically retreading something I've might have said in the past.

What's different now was that over the past few days, my mother and I have been subjected to listening to this one chick screaming her head off at her cats - which she has four of, by the way - like they can understand human language, which if you do that as a by the way, you're a god awful animal owner and should not own one, and she does this at all hours of the day and night, be it 3:00 in the morning, 4:00, 5:00, 6:00 and so on and so forth. But then, about a few days ago, I'm coming out of the shower one afternoon and for some reason, as I did, my ears were greeted to the sound of screaming out in the hallway for some fuck of a reason and eventually, my mother and I go out to inspect the noise, here's this chick who comes out in only a long shirt that barely covers her unmentionables and here she is, shrieking about some noise that's going on upstairs allegedly,

The thing is, that noise was coming from a Disaster Recovery crew cleaning out an apartment because someone died up there about a few days before that. From my recollection of it, that person died rather badly.

So she's carrying on, and my mother was coming out to this, and she's trying to get her to calm down, only for this chick to then suddenly turn onto her and start screaming at her. At which point, my mother takes issue with this and sternly tells her to calm down and the two get into a heated argument and eventually, a threat comes out. It was this chick threatening my mother, and even screamed at her saying, "I hope you die so I can piss on your grave!"

Which then, I answered back, "I'll be happy to piss on yours!"

Things went relatively quiet for a few days, up until we eventually get called in by the landlord, and as it turns out and as we discussed this with him, it turns out that she lied.

In the immortal words of Cooler from that one DBZA movie, I sure do hope someone answers that phone, because I fucking called it!

The truth is, I had a sneaking suspicion that she would, especially when I remember that she took a recording of that incident and tried to pin it on my mother. I remember hearing snippets of it as I was passing by to go grab the mail. No, I didn't say anything to her. But, I did smile and wave to this one other girl who was right next to her before looking back at the other girl and stared broadswords at her as I went back upstairs. Not daggers. Broadswords. And you know something, I was right in being suspect of her, because I was betting dollars to donuts that she doctored that footage she took of her threatening my mother. Not to mention, right? There's cameras all around the building and they're not edited. Everything is recorded live as it happens.

Then of course, she does something else.

She decides to go around the building trying to set everyone against us, and it first started with the maintenance guy, then it went around all along the second floor. She tried to go to an old Spanish lady next door, she wants to get us sued for harassment which by the way, we did nothing to warrant such a thing, and then... And then... She then throws out something that made me think of her pretty less. She throws out that she had abortions, she's got mental problems, blah blah blah.

At which point, it all added up to one thing.

Lo and behold, there's a fucking Karen in my building. Just when I thought that whole thing was done and over with at my work. Nope. One appeared right next door to us.

This leads me to a point. I get the fact that you might have suffered with mental problems and so on and so forth. However, what that does is not make you a special case. In fact, you're only the norm and not the exception, because there's tons of people in this building alone that have the same if not more issues than you do. Then again, when I think about it now, some people here have more issues than a New York City magazine stand, even with back orders. That's also normally something you should be discussing over with a professional therapist. No joke, there's tons of psychiatrists and psychologists out there. Pick one. Don't wave it around like a flag and/or use that as a crutch. However, I forget that this is the Year of Our Lemmy 2023, where people who have those kinds of problems have been made into the butt of a joke, and I genuinely feel bad for them that have to put up with this. I should know this, because guess what, I have those kinds of problems, myself. You already know what those are, so I won't get into it. In addition to this, it also does not absolve you of any wrongdoing of acting like a total bastard to people, especially when you were the one who made the threat first.

At least, that's what I believe.

But then again, I could be wrong. I've been proven wrong so many other times before. Unfortunately, this is one of those times where that's not the case.

So, long story short, the landlord basically instructed us to not talk to her, not to look at her and just go on about your day. If it happens again, just call the police and let them handle it, at which point, yeah, sure, that's no problem. That being said however, I'll be goddamned if she even thinks of wanting to put a hand on my mom for any reason, because I'll end up coming after her. Sure, it might not be worth it, but at this point, I can wait for her to make the first move before I retaliate. I've never answered well to bullies before and I'll be double goddamned if I start now.

But, I suppose that that's enough for now. Long thought, I know, but I had something to get off my chest.

Welp. Back to lurking, I guess.

Later.

------

Actually, wait, there's one more thing.

Just this afternoon, as I'm now coming out of my room, I then start hearing some music thundering from that bitch's place, and she can claim she was just singing along, but the thing is, she was directing her "singing" at my mother, followed by saying shit like, "I can do this all day!" followed, of course, with a string of insults, followed then by banging on the wall not one time, but three times.

The fucking little liar.

*sigh*

It's a good thing I got out today. Being cooped up in this place... Jesus... I can't take this anymore...

That's all for now.

BlisteredBlood · Feb 28, 2023

Tuesday Afternoon,
February 28th, 2023

Forgiveness...

That's all that I wanted. That's all that was needed. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And the simple fact that the neighbor I had talked about chose to come forward and issue an apology showed me that not all people are like what I've described. That they have some degree of awareness to know they've done wrong. I've been spending a little time thinking this over and to be honest, that's... Fine, I suppose? Am I still bitter about the whole thing and how far this had to go in order for her to finally get the point that you can't just do whatever you feel like and not face the repercussions for it?

I mean, yeah, I might still be a little aggravated that it took this long when it never should've started out this way in the first place. I mean, I could sit here in this lonely little writer's garret and go about this all the live-long day and explain why, but you know something? I feel as though it no longer matters. Things happen. People change. And perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps there are times when you just gotta let shit fall by the wayside and let things go. But if this were to ever happen again, I'm not going to be as lenient as I am now.

And that's all I got to say. I'm just... Gonna process this for a while longer. Maybe I'll have something more to talk about afterward.

BlisteredBlood · Mar 30, 2023

Thursday Morning,
March 30th, 2023

If there was ever a time that I wished I wanted to backhand someone for being such a cunt, I would.

Guild Wars 2. You know it. You've heard me talk about it. You've even heard me wonder as to why I still play it even now. So what's my bitchfit about it now, you wonder.

We're right at the end of the Zhaitan campaign, the final chapter titled VIctory Or Death. This is the one where you have to deal with three of his undead champions, a slew of mobs, and ultimately Zhaitan himself.

So along the way, we're all getting pelted with shit left and right, mobs are crawling everywhere. I'm one of the two people in this party who's trying their hardest to do everything and then some. Along the way, I'm getting blamed for "not covering" her, when I'm frantically bouncing between helping her get things done and keeping mobs off. Now of course, with the Bladesworn I have running, I could, but the thing you must understand is that I am no Superman. I can't do everything all at once, because while I'm also trying to help slay the baddies, I'm also responsible for trying to help her with killing the main objectives.

She then starts ragging on me to a point where I was wanting to SCREAM my goddamn head off at her to just shut her face on MULTIPLE occasions. This is stressful not only to me, but to - I'm pretty sure - multiple people who've partaken in this Category 5 shitstorm. We're actively trying to pour it on, maybe even finish off the undead Elder Dragon before he can spawn his mobs all over the place where then, she stops. She stops and says, "No, because you're not helping keeping shit off of me, I'm done."

FLAT OUT GAVE UP.

FLAT OUT.

Only to sulk off into the corner and then rag on me, and I swear, if I was there, I would SLAP HER. All because she didn't get the achievement for being the one to kill Zhaitan.

So, it lead us to being killed multiple times until she finally dishes out the final blow to him and after I told her right to her face, to just do it already. He was literally a cunthair off from being killed, and for OVER AN HOUR, mind you! FOR OVER AN HOUR, me and the friendly NPCs were either fending off mobs left and right, trying to give her a path. That's right. I walked away from the cannons after seeing the dragon spitting out green shit that poisons you. She then gives up as the last mobs were spawning all over the place, and had we not had the reinforced armor system that we have now, our armor would've been broken. That, and we would've taken so many Downed Penalties that the whole thing would've been unplayable and we would've had to have started over from the top.

But nope. I'm ONCE THE FUCK AGAIN AT FAULT FOR DOING WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Fuck this game.

More importantly, fuck her.

No, wait, that's her "husband's" job.

I'm done with this shit. I can't even do anything without having to get yelled at for something I was supposed to fucking do.

...Psh. Fuck it. I'm out.

BlisteredBlood · May 3, 2023

Wednesday Morning,
May 3rd, 2023

Kansas.

That state hasn't been a thought in my head for about 20 years now. But if I were to leave here tonight and go back to the one place where I spent my teenage years in, I would say that I'd be happy to go and never look back for all of the reasons that I've spoken about before... Including the very reasons I wrote from points between 2014 and 2015. I guess I still have some major sore spots that never healed right... And do I still hold everything that happened against them for it all? I suppose I still do. However, it's too late to have any more regrets about it now. What's done is done and there's no going back on any of it.

Aside from that, it's been about 20 years since I graduated from Lawrence Free State High, and I have to wonder... Has anything changed there? Who's still around? What's left, if anything? Are my old high school friends that I've known still there after all this time? All these questions I have and more still linger in this old head of mine. Probably not, but even then, it'd still be nice to know.

I don't anticipate that I'd be recognized after all that's changed, but... Hey, you never know. But knowing that I'd be more than likely going back there hopefully by September or maybe even sooner than that would be beneficial for my own mental health. I'm just so tired of this place and the utter insanity and instability of everything here. I'm sick and tired of looking at these people here, having to listen to them wail and cry and whine about everything that's wrong with them when they should've been able to just pick themselves up and off of the ground and get on with their lives and leave me out of it. Does it sound heartless of me to say such things? Yeah, you'd be right in saying that yes, I am being heartless. The worst part of it all was that when we came back in 2009, it was for all of the wrong reasons. Or rather, one of those reasons has now been fulfilled and we're just not needed anymore after having our still-beating hearts ripped from our chests before they were crushed right there in front of us, so really, who's more to blame for that, I say back.

I also assume it's because I just have a very low threshold for stupid bullshit. I've snapped at least a handful of times, and yet, there are those out there that just want to test my patience more and more just to see how far they can push it until I snap so hard that I never come back from the proverbial point of no return, and trust me when I say this. That isn't something anyone wants.

I've been through a lot since 2009... And here, I thought I'd be better off for it... But I'm not... And I just can't bear this anymore...

I suppose now you're understanding why I took the moniker of "The Crucified Angel" on here. This is your reason: Because no matter what penance I've paid, no matter how much I try to appease, or even appeal to someone... It's always the same response of, you're at fault for everything that you do and are, even if you had nothing to do with it, so I am blaming you for it! In short, it's never enough. I get told this all the time. I get blamed for everything. People judge me before they even knew me or what the situation was beforehand.

And I'm sick of it. But once that door closes... It stays closed for good and I will never open it to anyone. Period. End of subject. No more questions asked. It's just 100% done. There'll be no goodbyes this time. No one saw me off before, so why should I say anything now?

I suppose that's where I'll end it for now. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life and just close the book on this one for good.

I'll talk to you again, Journal. I've still got a lot more to think about.

BlisteredBlood · Jun 14, 2023

Late Night,
June 14th, 2023

Six years, now. About 23 before this was when my grandmother drew her last breath on the 10th. Somewhere betore that, I believe it might have been at the start of the month, I believe, was one of my cousins.

But even then... I keep thinking about this... About all that was left unresolved... I keep thinking about all the what-ifs, the what I could've dones and all that other bullshit. But then, it all just smacks me in the face with an open palm forehand across the cheek as if to say, you've done all you could. There's nothing more left to do. It's just high time to just move on with my life.

I still keep thinking back to that phone call I got from our current landlord... Just as I was getting ready for work... I was just about to head out when I looked at my phone for about the third time and when I heard it, I remember being struck silent for about several minutes after I got my uniform on, my eyes as big as the moon going, what in the fuck are you talking about? I just saw him a few days ago, and he was just fine. You're either lying your ass off or you're in on a terrible prank, because my dad was known for pulling some rather dastardly shit like that.

But then... When me, RJ and ma all got to his apartment on that day, the evidence was there for all of us to see when we had to clear the place out, or at least take out a part of the stuff that needed to be moved before we emptied it out. I even remember having to go get the keys from a dropbox at another apartment complex, pick them up and go give them back to the landlord, while taking the rest of them off, because those were what belonged to him. I also still have his CDs somewhere around here along with... Kinda had to look at my bookshelf here for a minute... There's a little black box that's got like some guitar stuff in there, and speaking off, there was also an old Westwood guitar I got around here somewhere... There was a lot me and my brother took and split between us.

I even still remember the looks on both my mom's and my brother's faces when the news was spread to the two. My mom, she looked at me with this look like she was a deer caught in headlights and by this point in time, I was so beside myself, I tried to call up my work and tell them what happened, and I fucking broke.

Mom then gets a hold of RJ on the phone, she relays it all to him, and I think it had to have been about 15 minutes later, he comes pulling up through the driveway, comes up the stairs and when he gets in through the door, his eyes were bloodshot with tears streaming down from them, shaking his head in disbelief, like the both of us were lying, and yet, when mom and I told it to him straight to his face, he was just... Done. We both were, when I think about it.

So... What we did once we were both calmed down enough and before we both went about the business of trying to collect everything we could, my brother and I raised a toast to the old man, each with a Heineken in our hands, clinked 'em and pulled.

I think that's what I'm gonna do later today. Head out to the packy, buy a beer and in the quiet of my room, right at about 10:00, I'll put on one of dad's songs and toast it to him before just calling it a day. I don't wanna hear it from anyone. I don't wanna acknowledge anyone's presence. I don't even want to know about anyone's business and that is final. Maybe RJ will call me and we'll sit and bullshit. I don't know. Maybe he won't. It's up to him.

All I know... Is that I just... Want to skip this day.

As for how I feel now... I just feel so numb right now. I've got nothing left to give in terms of emotions, that at this point in time, with everything that's happened, I no longer care about anything.

I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe that's why it's been raining over the past few days... Maybe it's a reminder of some sort. Of what, I don't know.

Pfah, fuck it... I'm just rambling now... I'll just... Be quiet now... Carry on, Journal. I just needed to put something down in case I forget.

BlisteredBlood · Aug 1, 2023

Tuesday Morning,
August 1st, 2023

Been a while, journal.

And what a story I've got to share with you this time. So I guess now, another place may have opened up, maybe in Plymouth, Mass. And all we gotta do is get our names in there and see what happens. There's also another one that may have our names in there as well in a place just outside of Boston, but even then, I'm not 100% sold on it. I've told this to a friend of mine, but even she says that it might not be in our best interest to go, as it'll be pretty much the same as it is here.

Then there's still the matter of Kansas. But then again, I've made it clear. The coin is up in the air and wherever it lands is where we'll go. I have nothing more in this part of the city where I once called it home. Everyone's either dead, long since left or possibly even went to prison. I don't know anymore. All I do know is that this chapter is over with and I want nothing more to do with it.

I just want a peaceful life. A life where I don't have someone screaming their heads off for some reason or another at 3:00 in the morning, where there's squad cars coming in and out of here at all points of the day and night. All I want is to just be left well enough alone. I don't want vulturous neighbors peeking their noses into our business. I don't want neighbors where they're so blown out on drugs they can't even figure out the first syllable of their own names. I don't even want to deal with the remnants of a family that's now completely broken off from each other over what happened 10, 20, maybe even 30 years ago.

No. I'm tired of it. I'm dead tired of all of it.

How it happens at this point, or why it happens, or even when is not my concern anymore. I'm done.

And maybe... After all is said and done... I'll finally have my wish.

Moving on from that, there was... An interesting thing that happened to me a few days ago that sort of knocked the wind out of my sails. And it happened in the same spot, too. In the bathroom, early one morning, I was just wanting to take a piss and bear in mind, I had just freshly woken up when I slipped on a puddle of dog piss and I just about took a nasty header into the floor this time around had I not braced my fall and turtled up on my arms and knees. Though with my knees, they took the bigger hit of it. Of course, the shock of it went up my back and threw that out of whack. Again.

So, that was what happened. I've been out of sorts for about a few days, and still kind of smarting now, but it's not nearly as bad as it was before. There was also residual pain that went up my forearms and hands. That was fun. About the only two things that did get broke was my pride and possibly a couple tiles from the impact.

Guess I'm not as sure-footed as I was. That just means I need to be a little more careful. Last thing I need to do now is get seriously hurt or accidentally get myself killed. It also means I gotta go out with Leo.

And speaking of pets...

These two came to us last month. The one on the left is Stormy and after a little bit of debate, the one on the right is Salem. They were found inside of a barn in Pascoag by my cousin who works as a vet before getting in touch with my mom and said,"Hey, you want these two?" To that point, my mom said yes and while I was sleeping, she called me while she was on her way back to bring them home. They've gotten so big as of now, and while Stormy is a little bit skittish still, the both of them are absolute joys to have around. It's almost like I was given meaning once again after Ella and Tux's passing. Sure, these two are kind of a pain in the ass, but they're still babies still. They're gonna be rambunctious. They're gonna be crazy. They're probably gonna treat the parlor like it's the Indianapolis 500 once they're grown up some.

But even then... I can't help but smile at them. What was weird was, when we first got them out, was that Stormy immediately nestled up in the crook of my arm when I held her, and Salem was a little bit on the crazy side, trying to tear her way out of my mom's grasp. Nowadays, the script got flipped where Stormy's the - sort of - crazy one, and Salem is an absolute mooshnik. But even then... it's just like I said. I've found a new meaning again. And of course... yeah, I'll admit it. I teared up when I held them. I guess that part of me isn't dead after all.

So now. What happens from here? I honestly don't know. There's still a few things we gotta do around here before we start making decisions. It's just gonna take a bit to get there.

But for now, I'mma take it easy for bit and get something to eat. I'll see you next time, journal.

BlisteredBlood · Aug 30, 2023

Early Morning,
August 30th, 2023

Would you believe that I had to completely redo my computer from the inside out? Well, that's what I had to do after something got horrifically corrupted to the point where I had to completely wipe everything down to basics and just completely rebuild it all. I mean, yeah, it was a right royal pain in the ass to do it all, but after everything that happened, I figured I can always get it all back at some point or another.

The simple fact of the matter remains as this: I'm good now. It's just gonna take time for me to get everything back to where it was before this whole thing came crashing down on me a few days ago. And it was the damnedest thing, too. I was just relaxing on here, not really doing much when then from out of the blue, BOOM! Computer freezes up! Nothing was going through! Then BAM! Blue Screen of Death! So for the next few days, I'm trying like hell to get this thing back up and running, I'm literally trying every trick I knew in the book, had to turn to some outside help from some tech sites, only to see they're horrifically outdated, so now, I'm panicking, wondering what to do when afterwards... All I had to do was to just accept the fact and the harsh reality that I had to nuke everything and start it over from scratch. Soon as that dawned on me, I was basically singing this.

Ah well. It's up. It's running. That's all that matters. Now I just need to get the software shit for this on here again and then I'm off to the races.

Yet again.

There's more I'd wanna get into, but nah. Not now. It's about 5:30 now, I'm tired, I need some sleep and being up all this time isn't helping matters much.

Fuggit. I'm done for now. Later.

BlisteredBlood · Oct 21, 2023

Early Morning,
October 21st, 2023

Been a while since I was last here, server screwup aside, and I've got a fair bit to think about.

So, as it turned out, that the boyfriend of my aunt has been getting harassed by that hawkish neighbor down the hall from us to the point where she's even been going as far as to try and get him tossed out of here. Bear in mind of one thing. This is the same guy who a year ago I told about how he came to our door and began to berate me about my mother about those curtains she was "supposed to have fixed" for him and then called her a massive disappointment to my face. Around this time, my cat Ella was on Death's Door, and I'm trying to put something together as a Halloween project that I ended up shitcanning because of said events.

I actually told my mother about this one night that there's one part of me that feels bad about him because, the guy's a Vietnam veteran who's got schizophrenia and wants to have his issues sorted out at the VA. Good. Good for him. It's good he's got a support group to turn to. And besides, everyone should have something like that, right? However, there's another part of me that gives nary a fuck about what those two do to each other, so long as whoever's left standing is the winner. I still to this very day have not said one word to him after that incident that killed whatever goodwill I had left in me, I hated his fucking guts for it. Then my cat Ella died right on Halloween.

I haven't given anything about it much thought until I had a dream one night. I don't remember much of the details, except for a few key points, so I'll try to make this as descriptive as I can.

The things I remember in that dream was that my brother was in town for a few days, and the area itself looked like a lot my hometown. There was my brother, my mother and me all in this truck of some make and model I don't ever recall seeing before, and there was a lotta gunk and rust on the hood, somehow bubblegum was involved, but whatever. Eventually, the truck breaks down at some point, and as we go to a house that kind of looked a bit like the one from when were we in Providence in 2009 - I think - my brother was getting angry at my mother for some reason, then he starts blaming her for everything, that she owed him everything for... Some reason... Again, I don't really remember much. At one point, I then start to get up and get angry at him for what he's saying to her, and how much I wanted to hurt him for it. Then, my mom cuts in front of me telling me it isn't worth it. There was one point though, when I went upstairs, there was a lot of stuff there, but this is where it gets a little warped here. As I enter into the room, the room looked like there was a row of arcade cabinets, some electronics here and there, I think there was a card table out there or something. But as I was looking for him, I had this big fuck-off sized tree trunk with a handle of a baseball bat in my hands that had the letters, "UG" on it or something. My brother spots this in my hands and walks off to the side, saying, "Ugga clubba!" like he knew what it was. But as I was looking at him, he wasn't wearing the same clothes he normally wears. In fact, he looked like my Second Life avatar where he's dressed in black, but he's packing up and moving everything out of this room, but then he stopped and looks at me, where we then start talking things out for a time. I don't remember much of what was said, though. After a time, though, he then starts taunting and mocking me in a fashion that resembles how siblings of some form of another typically do before he goes away. Only... It sounded mean, for some reason, though. I don't know.

I then wake up, though, and for some reason, I started thinking to myself, "What, even my dreams hate me for some reason?"

Then from out of the blue, I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and then I just burst into tears.

I posed this question to a friend of mine at one point, and what they said... Kind of started to make sense to me. Apparently, this was because of some form of unresolved conflict that needed to be settled between a family member or someone close to me. The more I think about it now, the more it made sense to me, considering everything that's happened over the years. There was a lot of things that were left unresolved. A lot of grudges and anger and bitterness for some reason or another.

The thing, is, though, is that there'll never be any resolution for those, because a lot of those people either died, fucked way off into the Hamptons to never be seen again or something else. Fuck if I know why.

But when I think about it here... I think maybe... Just maybe... Before that man's eye's shut for good... Something wants me to reach out to him for just one day and sit down with him, talk things out then see where we stand after that. But then, I keep thinking back to that day... And how bitterly resentful I was about what he said, of how clear of thought and intent he was when he said all that, further amplified by Ella's passing.

I think then... that I don't know what to say or even how to go about this. But I do know one thing, though. That bitch is going to stop bothering people. She's done this before to my mother, a couple old Spanish ladies on this floor, this one woman who's not really all there that's in our old apartment, she's fucked with everybody and rubbed people the wrong way far too many times to count, including the time where she basically shit on my dad not more than 15 minutes after we signed the lease to our apartment way back when we first came here. Not to mention, she's also got a - nudge-nudge, wink-wink - "pharmacy" in her apartment. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I'm talking about, here.

She's had chance after chance to stop bothering people, and now, this is where it stops. This is where it ends. Once and for all. No more Mr. Nice Guy, so on and so forth.

But I think that's where I'll stop for now. I need to get me a little bit of sleep... Been feelin' like shit for a few days.

I'll bore you another time, journal. Take it easy.

BlisteredBlood · Nov 13, 2023

Monday Afternoon,
November 13th, 2023

By now journal, I think you know what it is I'm about to say as I've written this out so many times in the past that I'll just cut to the chase.

You know, it's not enough that yes, I do a lot of building on SL nowadays. Sometimes, maybe even too much building. But yet, I do it anyway for the sole purposes of wanting to know the ins and outs of certain things in order to then send them out and into the world under new names in the vain hopes of maybe earning a lil' bit of money here and there mainly to support myself. It was the sole reason as to why I took up that course to begin with all those months ago, so that yeah, I can learn how to build bikes, but also learn how to do the same for cars, trucks, classics, moderns, all that other horseshit. And sometimes, I even go so far as to maybe even test them to freakish degrees just to ensure that they work the way they're mean to only to then tweak them again, mainly because I'm not only the head honcho of this business I own, but also the sole QA guy, the lone promoter, the lone businessman and salesman. I do all this by myself and no one else is there to help me. And yet, I get shit on for that too by -who else? - the one friend in SL who've I've known for almost ten years now.

I get it, though. I've made plenty of mistakes and such in the past. But for someone to sit there and shit on me thinking it's all about the cars and whatever, when in reality, I'm not only doing this just for the cars, but also because I wanted to show people out there that there's a new player in town who wants to build stuff for people to use, maybe even modify, or maybe even they can do it better than I can, and I'm not in the least bit mad about it. If it earns me money along the way, great. That's all that matters and then some.

I also did it because of a charity event about last year, for the American Cancer Society, where I put two of my bikes up for it. Sure, I didn't win it, but it let people know I was there and I was going to put my best foot forward as if to say, "Yeah, I'm here. Whaddaya think of me? If I suck, just tell me and I'll work my ass off to make it work better. If something's wrong, fucking tell me and I'll fix it."

I even gave one away at this little known drag racing track ran by some furries over there, but was associated with a larger track and I got thanked for the generosity. But I didn't just give it away to the winners over there. I gave it to everyone who was present and accounted for, because I know I turned some heads when they saw me on that one bike. So out of the depths of my heart and because I believe in giving back to a community, I did just that.

But no. It's still about cars and nothing else. So once again, fuck me. Once the fuck again, I am wrong because I'm not spending time with this absolute bitch of a "friend".

Then ya know what. Maybe I should just give up. I mean fuck, I already picked up that new car I was working on along with another one and just stuffed them into another box before picking that up and holding it in lockup, because I am never doing that again. At least not in front of her. If I have to, I'll just send copies of everything I built off to another account and set up a shop with that one instead just so I can have some modicum of freedom back and just never open a group for it, mainly because of how much of a waste of time it was to even get it going in the first place.

I'm just so tired of being talked down to like this and belittled for it.

But then again journal, you've heard me prattle on about this before, so what's the point of going over everything again? It's wasteful white noise at this point. I dunno, maybe I need another hobby, because this one's just not working out.

Short thought, but... Ehh. I just needed to vent to something, even if it's just high time to just scream into the void as I often do.

Think I'll take a nap or something. I'm outta here for now.

BlisteredBlood · Nov 28, 2023

Late Night,
November 28th, 2023

So, an option came up I hadn't really thought of before. Even if it's still in the state, it wouldn't be around this general area. The reason being is because one of my younger cousins is thinking of letting us take over her house when she moves out to be with her husband somewhere in Florida, if I remember right. The thing is, the rent would be cheaper, literally everything would be paid for, and all they'd ask from us is $300 a month and the cats and dog would be able to come with us. Because really, at this point in time, fuck this town. I might have lived here for about 16 years before leaving it in 2000, only to come back here in about 2017 after being homeless for so long, but that sure as fuck doesn't mean I'm going to die here, and neither is my mother. I'd rather see us dying with more dignity than that. Besides, these people around here would just as soon take the nickels off your eyes before your dead body turns cold, and that is a fact. I've seen it with my own eyes. I know what these people are capable of. I know what they do. I've even heard about it after the fact when some basehead attempted to break into our fucking house a while back and when my mom caught her running away, she could barely even walk in a straight line, let alone even talk.

If that doesn't raise your blood pressure even the slightest bit or even a few hairs on the back of your neck, then I have zero idea of what to tell you other than if you were to ever plan a trip out here, all I can say is don't. For all of the talks you might have heard, don't. I mean come on, Central Falls wasn't called Sparkle City for nothing, Among one of the reasons was called that was because not only was it the cocaine capital of the world at one point, but it was also called that because of the amount of broken glass from bottles being thrown everywhere was another reason.

And with the state of the world as it is as of right now, it might as well be an ashtray. Or maybe even a landfill would be the better analogy.

Point being, right? I've had it with this place. Ma's in agreement. We're getting out of here when everything's done.

In other news... What else.

Well, I made out like an absolute bandit during all these Black Friday deals and shit. Got some games I've been meaning to try and play and whatever, even some stuff to finish out some collections of games I've been meaning to gather up over the years I've had them. I mean come on, man, are you kidding me? More teams for Mutant Football League, finishing out the Master Chief Collection, even gathering up some more Half-Life games, too! Specifically Blue Shift, Opposing Force and even the Source version of Half-Life 1. I mean, I get why people might have some forms of misgivings about Halo 4 and Half-Life 1 Source, because I heard there was like either bugs, the story might have been shit, but you know me, people. I'm more than willing to give something a chance, even if it's shit. I mean come on, I actively tried with Evolve Inc., and that turned out to being a total goatfuck with sending a message rather than being something intuitive, maybe something a little... Well... Fun.

I guess that's about all I can think about for now, though. Except now, we got Hulu back again, which means time to get caught up on some shows I hadn't seen in a while. And god, there's a lotta new shit I ain't seen yet either.

Guess that's it for now. I'll see ya next time, Journal.