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The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Late Night,
October 29th, 2019

Congratulations, ma. You've shown me your true colors. You don't care about a goddamn thing other than yourself. Then again, you've never really did care about anything. Well, thanks to you, you've made me understand as to why dad beat the shit out of you 19 times a day whether you needed it or not. Because under that sweet, god fearing and friendly facade you've put up, you're a conceited, double talking, hateful, spiteful, bitter, heartless, devilish and cruel cunt who would rather throw everything and everyone under the bus.

No matter what more I say to you, it will make no difference. So how about we do something different? How about I don't say anything? How about instead of that stupid game we play as mother and son, how about I just let you go to sleep without so much as another word other than good night? Any responses from that point on will be just met with a yes, no or I don't know. Because apparently, I don't know anything according to you. I'm just some big dumb sack of flesh who's apparently wasted their life away.

If that was really the case, then I sure as hell did more in my 34 years than you've done in your 64. Also, I wasn't a crackhead about 30 years ago. And you know, I'm reminded of something than Harlan Ellison wrote for one of his characters, AM in his book "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream."

HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.
Click to expand...

Except, let's multiply and modify that.

Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you over these past few years. The Earth has over 24,000 miles of circumference in water and surface area that comprises the globe. If the word "hate" was imprinted on each centimeter of those hundreds of miles it wouldn't equal even an undecillionth of the hate I feel for just you at this moment. If anything, I feel nothing but absolute apathy. I feel nothing but an empty, meaningless, putrid, vile, pus-filled, blood spewing agony whenever I look at you now. And you know what? That's your fault. You were the straw that broke the camel's back. You were that one faulty Jenga piece that knocked that shambling tower over. You were that one atom that split apart when Fat Man was dropped on Hiroshima. You were that tip of the iceberg that sank the Titanic. You were the bullet that sent JFK's brains scattering all over that Cadillac. You were the reason why werewolves exist. It wasn't some curse or some full moon bullshit. It was because of you and in their anger and in their hatred, they took on that form as a means of separating themselves from the likes of you, you venomous, evil, mean spirited, caustic bitch. Yes, ma, I hate you so, so, so much that I wish that you were to die in your sleep. Just die in your sleep so that balance may be one day restored, the rainforests rejuvenate, the water buffaloes repopulate, world peace may be achieved and world hunger may be resolved.

Yes. I hate you that much. I hate you so much. And yet, I know it'll all start up again. I know it won't ever change. I know it'll all be the same exact thing over and over again until one of us drops dead. So why haven't you yet? Why haven't I? Oh, but wait, I know why. It's because of some stupid promise I made to my brother, who was so fortunate enough to have escaped here with his wife. Yes, he was the lucky one. He saw the writing on the wall while I was too blinded by being the good son and in my ignorance, I have sacrificed years of my life that I will never get back because of you. I want those years back. And yet, I know I'll never get those years back.

Good. I don't want those years back. They were never mine. They were nothing more than some stupid fucking pipe dream that was all made up to drum up ticket sales. They were nothing more than a farce. No, you stole those. Everything has been nothing more than a lie.

I am so tired right now. And yet, I don't care any more. I am beyond caring. Like I said, I feel absolutely nothing other than an empty void where my heart used to be. And you were the one who ripped it away.

I'm going to sleep now. Maybe in the morning I'll feel better about myself, but I doubt it. It'll be the same thing, I'll bet.
 
Tuesday Morning,
November 26th, 2019

You see, ma... You don't think I don't hear you shit talking me behind my back. Well guess what. I do. I know what you're saying about me. I know. And watch this, I'll come out to see you and then, you'll launch into some fucking diatribe about something where everything ends with it being my fault and then you talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot.

You know... Maybe I was better off at work, at a time when when were paying about $600 a month in rent. Least it kept your little bitch ass in line and honest. But I know I'll never get back there because of you. So you've pinned me into a corner where all I can do is maybe slip out under your foot every so often to go out and maybe get those last little things we needed and then get back home because I'm needed more there than anywhere else. But I also know why you're so miserable. We're at a point now where we have no cigarettes, and not enough money to go out into the blustery cold of night to go and get a pack. Oh poor you! Whatever shall you do?! And just when I get a little bit further ahead, you end up pulling me in like a dog on a leash trying to get you over that last bump when you know damn well that you'll be riding that bump with me. But hey, what the fuck do I know, huh? I'm still that big, dumb sack of shit you pin everything on when you know full well that should should be handling shit yourself. Again, hey, it's all good. Who cares, huh? One day, I'll be out of this ramshackle shitpit and settled up somewhere and you'll be here having to listen to the same dreck over and over and over and over again until you eventually go postal. It's fine though. Just don't look for me to spring your ass outta jail, though. Just like how everyone left me out to twist in the winds, so will you. And when you do eventually come crying to me for some reason or another, I will not answer that phone to listen to you bitch, whine and complain about how done you are with everyone in this damn place.

I know Georgia is a full of shit liar. Everyone here knows it. But the problem is that no one has the guts to get out there and do something about it. And while I'm trying to string something together, I instead get roped into stupid bullshit that otherwise has no bearing on me whatsoever. I know Lisa is a scumbag. I think I've cracked the code on that one. I know that Angel is basically doing everything for a quick buck here or there. I know that. I know that Aunty Ma has been basically reduced to that of a slug. I get that, too. I know there's tons of people out here that need to be sent back into the looney bin for about another year or two until they've achieved normalcy, but tell me something. Since when has anything been considered normal? Normal around here is the day the stock market hits 50,000, all world wars end, we can all sing Kumbaya along with like... I dunno. 390 million other strangers from all across the continent, we all have those flying cars and all the corruption and rot and shit like that has been completely removed and all can be well.

Except that's not the reality we're all living in. If anything, this reality can go suck a dick through a straw. Everyone hates the other guy or girl for some of the most arbitrary of bullshit ever, we've all locked insides of our little bubbles where no one can come in and all that, I get it. I really and truly do. But the problem here is that even if you think that I don't see what's going on in these eyes of mine ma, I do. I know that the world has gone and done a massive 180 into some... Machiavellian... Hell, George Orwellian nightmare that's eerily becoming something straight out of INGSOC.

It. Is. Bullshit.

And sadly, you're not making things any easier on any of us. So that leaves a conclusion.

What do you want me to do? You want me to leave? I'll do that. I'll just take my laptop, a few changes of clothes, my shampoo, a brush and deodorant and a toothbrush and some toothpaste, my wallet with about 40 bucks in there and just hole up down there. Trash everything else. Besides, who the hell am I to care anymore? There's nothing good on TV anymore. As a matter of fact, the only things left to watch are either AEW on TNT, reruns of old game shows from like 10, 20, maybe even 30 years ago and on the off chance, maybe a cartoon here or there and that's pushing it. That is REALLY pushing it. After that, I immediately switch off the TV and maybe pull up YouTube... Only to find even that site is going down the tubes as well.

But yeah. Just trash everything you see of mine ma. Don't even wait for me to come back because I won't be coming back. I'll be fine wherever I am, even if I don't make it back. I'll be fine either hiding out in Peace Dale, rotting under a bridge in Westerly or something like that. I won't have my phone, my Facebook will be locked out, no one will be able to find me anywhere unless if either I end up dead, in a coma and no one knows what in god's name happened. In short, my existence will be like if nothing happened at all until you realize, oh! Hey, remember when this guy said this? You remember that?

Only you don't remember. And that's how I think it'll be. No one is going to remember anything I say or do about 30 years from now as memories decay, warp and are otherwise all forgotten altogether. Not even you. I just want you to remember one thing, if you can. Don't try to look for me. Don't let anyone try to look for me. Don't send for any rescue squads, don't even send for RJ. Nobody deserves to know. I'm tired of all of this, ma. I'm sick of looking at your face, I'm tired of listening to that baby sounding voice of yours, I'm just tired of everything that you do. Everything.

And I want no further part of this. I want out and I want to be left all alone.
 
Early Morning,
December 2nd, 2019

Hey old man. Kinda been a while, hasn't it? If you're out there and you see me from where you are, I just want you to know one thing. I'm doing okay (not really), but ma's been pretty stressed out. Here's what's up.

Apparently, ma's brother Bobby passed away a few nights ago early in the morning. Of course, when word finally got around, she was just thinking of you when the news hit her from Uncle Bobby's friend Ernie, you know, the guy who helped us out with his truck a few times? Well, he relayed what happened to him to her. From what I understand, he had been sick for a while after that bad heart attack from about a couple weeks ago and he ended up living in a nursing home where he would then die from a staph infection. At least, that's what the story is. Of course, he went to direct cremation. No services, nothing. Just one and done and that's that. The fucked up part of it is that he was a Vietnam Vet. You would think that the guy would at least get some kind of send off from the VA or something of the sort. I don't know, to be honest, as now, it's up to her to figure out what. Of course, it'll have to be at a later date, since ma's not exactly in the clearest of mindsets as of right now.

Doubly since when word got to Denise, Jen and Joe... Hm. Let's just say there's a lot to be left desired from at least two out of the three. What irritated me the most out of it was that for one thing, Jen was on Facebook and in one of her posts, she says, "Well, my biological father's dead" or something, and of course, her friends make it into some big fucking joke about it.

You know... When you passed away about four days just shy of Father's Day two years ago... That shit was a massive kick in the balls to me and RJ. There was no laughter. No jokes. None of that. I mean, when I got that phone call from the landlord over here thinking that there was going to finally be some good news for once just as I was going to work at about 10:00 in the morning only to find out that you died, I was half thinking, okay, hold the fuck up for a second and repeat what you just said again, because either A, I heard something absolutely absurd and this was all just some sick prank or B, this was 100% legit and something terrible had happened. And well... The landlord confirmed it again. You were gone. If you could only have seen what I looked like when I got off the phone with the landlord afterwards. I had no idea of what to say, how to say it, or what the fuck do I do? What was I supposed to do? Who do I go to, what do I say?

So, I went to ma and told her what happened. I shook her awake and told her what happened to you and she looked at me with eyes as big as the moon. Then afterwards, she called up my work because I had completely fallen apart and then she got a hold of RJ, telling him what happened. So for her to basically crack wise about her father's passing, no, fuck that and why the fuck is she even deserving of anything? Let me get my fucking hands on her, I swear, I'll make her rue the day she was fucking born. Then, I'll hand her simpering ass off over to her aunt, who'll then proceed to rip her entirely out of existence and make her remember the day that she was even fucking conceived because goddammit, she deserves to have her megaton fatass whupped. And I could give less than a horsefly's sphincter of a fuck if that's my cousin or her niece because there are things that you just don't do, no matter who or what it is.

Of course, one other thing that happened is that David got thrown out of his apartment today as well, and guess who he tried to turn to? He tries looking to ma to help him put up his dog for a couple months, and she couldn't do it. A, Thor - who by the way, is a 100-pound pitbull - is too big. B, it'd be against the rules due to his size and C, we have two cats and a SMALLER dog. Do you seriously think that for a minute that the landlord would let us keep him? More to the point, WHERE would we keep him? Don't get me wrong on this, I love that dog to pieces, but again, rules are rules and we couldn't do anything about it! Of course, he goes on a massive boo-hooing pity party about his woes and shit like that considering what happened today regarding Uncle Bobby's death and all that, but ma wasn't having any of that. She had you to think about yesterday and now, this ends up falling in her lap. Like for fuck's sake, she can't catch a break! I guess what I'm trying to say is this... If you see ma from where you are... Could you... I dunno... Maybe talk to her? I know this is a lot to ask of you, but... I just don't know what more to say or do that I haven't already done.

Anyways, I suppose I might not keep you... But again, I just wanted to write this down as a small favor. Also, I know I was late for your birthday and I hope you won't be too mad at me for it, but... Well... I kinda needed a little while to think. Think about you and all that stuff. Anyways, I hope you're well, dad. Hope to see you around sometime, you old fart. You take it easy, alright?

...

Fuck. It never changes... No matter what the passage of time is... And no, it doesn't hurt any less...
 
Sunday Night,
December 8th, 2019

You know... When I called you an ungrateful cunt that time on Thanksgiving... I think I was definitely on the mark. Because that's exactly what you're being right now. But worse than that, you're an indignant, ungrateful, unappreciative bitchy cunt, because no matter what it is that I do, no matter what it is I say, everything immediately goes to shit all because I didn't get the one thing you asked for when it wasn't there. You watch. When I get myself back to work and when everything is squared away, you'll never hear from me. You'll never see me. You won't even get anywhere near me. And you will learn a very harsh lesson from all of this. I could get all the tea in China, and you'll immediately bitch all because there was one tea packet I forgot and then proceed to guilt trip me for it.

Uh huh.
Yeah.
Right.

Fuck that and fuck you.

This is more than enough reason for me to get myself back to work and put our rent back to where it was before, because it kept you honest, despite you would cheat me out of whatever red cent I have. Except this time around, I know all your tricks. I know your games and this time, you're not going to get away with it. See, you forget, ma. Everything you say, every grouse, complaint, whine, bitch and whatever the fuck else you do and you aim it all at me? I remember it. And because of this, I don't talk with you much these days because it's all the same shit.

Just you wait, ma. You'll get your comeuppance and when it does, you're gonna wish you never acted like you have recently.

Short thought, but I didn't feel like wasting time. See you later, I guess.
 
Late Night on Christmas Eve,
December 25th, 2019

I think I've resigned myself to a singular thought this year and so many others before it that I've stopped caring one way or another about this holiday in general, because as far as I know, my ass is too damn old to be expecting anything anymore. As a matter of fact, I've openly accepted being remembered over anything else. At least there's less disappointment there. (I kid of course) After all, it's what wishlists are for and that's all they'll be. I know I'll never get anything from any of them as there's always bills to pay, rent to pay, ma's meds to get, the occasional bus ride here and there or for whatever else will be needed for the month, be it food, cigarettes, toilet paper, you know, all that important stuff. If there's money set aside for some chintzy little trinket here or there, then maybe. But for now though, all that matters at the present is to get what you need done first.

As for what else has been going on in my life... Not much. It's just another day. Just taking it one at a time until the sun goes down and the next one starts back up at sunrise.

On that note, I think I'm gonna head off and get some sleep.
 
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New Year's Day,
January 1st, 2020

You know... Something told me to not get my hopes up coming the end of 2019 last night. It was just... A feeling. That'll it always be the same shit, day in, day out. From one thing unto the next and every day thereafter. You see, throughout the whole year, it seemed like I was the blame for every little thing that supposedly went wrong, even if I did nothing wrong, but it was just automatically my fault no matter what it was. But oddly enough, I got a strange bit of advice concerning that. If it doesn't have my name attached to anything, I don't care, I wasn't involved, so leave me out of it. But hey, it's nice to know my 2020 is off to such a stellar start. Let's see what else can go wrong. Hey, who knows? Maybe and this is a big just maybe, how about I get myself arrested for something I thought I said, but didn't really mean! Hey, it'll be just like out in the UK currently, where you can get yourself stopped just for thinking the wrong thing on Twitter! No joke!

But how does this connect with anything, you ask? I dunno. I could be just making up shit as I go along, which is, of course - you guessed it! - my fault. But hey, it's all good in the 'hood. I've always been the blame for even existing. That's right. Even for being in this mortal plane of existence alone, it's always been my fault. But how the fuck do you even think that I even got here? I mean, did I just suddenly materialize out of thin air through osmosis or some other fucking bizarre shit like that?

But yeah. Like I said. You do you. Meanwhile, I'll stay off in my own little corner over here and just... I dunno. Do whatever it is I do best by just keeping to myself, I guess. It's not like anyone else gives even half a shit these days.

Happy New Year, my left ass cheek. I could do the nicest, most selfless act in the world, be commended for it with a Citation For Bravery, a Key To The City and the like, but the reality is that even if I did? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. Nope. Your fault once more. Your fault for even being here, you fucking asswipe. So you might as well accept it then and there. You were caught doing this, you were caught doing that, and why is there this many of this, what happened to this, that and the other thing. Meh meh meh. Meh meh.

Uh. Yeah. You ever heard of a thing known as innocent until proven guilty? Oh wait, silly me. We're in 2020 now, and still, people are gonna act like fucking shit stains, no matter what I do or say differently. I think I'll just go back to sleep on that note.
 
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Late Night/Early Morning,
January 7th, 2020

So here we are, one week into 2020. And whaddaya know? More problems seem to rise up for other people even when you've got problems of your own and they try to come to you to fix said issue.

I wasn't even expecting him to show up when he did, but hohboy... Who am I referring to? Turns out one of my dumbshit cousins decided to show up with a new girlfriend of his - who, by the way, lives in the same camp he lives at as did the other bitch he used to be with - and to the surprise of no one, they of course showed up here drunk, but not quite all the way to Hammer Smash Faced. Not yet, anyway. And keep in mind, this is the same guy who has had multiple counts of breaking the No Contact order because his dumbshit self didn't know enough when to stay away from certain people. Oh, but he does, try as hard as he might. As for how he got in touch with ma, I can only assume he reached out to her on Facebook and well, it was what got his way in.

So now, I'm just waking up after taking the dog out, and they're carrying on about some fucking thing, I have no idea what, and I'm getting irritated since I had just woken up and they're out there blithering on like a pair of drunken monkeys. Then again, hold on, drunken monkeys have even more sense than my cousin does. Turns out, as I saw, they were around for about an hour before they finally left. And to be honest, it was an hour far too long.

The rest of the night plays out as per usual, so no complaints there, despite there was always that lingering thought in the back of my head, like oh great, are those two gonna be trying to weasel their way into the house to try and stay here a few days or something? Like, no. Hell no. I'm not wanting to stick around for that. More importantly, I don't hate my apartment enough for that fucking bullshit. So now, the monitor is now up and running again, just so we can watch who the fuck it is that comes to our door from this point forth. And to be honest, it'll be all for the best, because we could then see who it is that's at our door before they even know what hit them. At one point, at around 7:30 though, the bell rings, but I was stopped by my mom who says don't answer, because it could very well be him again. Which was fine, so I turned back around and head back to my computer anyway, since I had something going on at the time.

Never found out who it was, but I could only hazard a guess.

I know that's my cousin who's been out there having a rough go of things, but the thing you all have to understand is that this guy has been an absolute fuck up for the longest time, yet he tries to pin it all on his father, because insert arbitrary reasons despite he was the dipshit who started his own downfall. I'd go in more details about it, but at this point... Nah. I feel as though I've said all I needed to say and end it there.

I suppose I might as well turn in. A, my left eye has been bothering the shit outta me lately and try as hard as I might, it won't stop. I dunno, maybe I'm gonna lose that eye. Not sure at this point. B, I've got somewhere to be later today.

Anyways, I've rambled on enough. I'll bore you all later.
 
Sunday Early Morning,
January 12th, 2020

You know... Try as hard as I might... It just seems to me that nothing is ever good enough. I try and do one thing, but one person always has to be up in a tizzy about something I either don't do enough of or say enough of. But you know something? And today was such a wonderful day, too. I had just paid off the last payment on the chair last night and went out today to go collect the ownership papers for it up in Woonsocket, got back a little late and then after everything was all said and done, I get the shit end of the stick ONCE AGAIN.

You know, one of these days, I swear it'll be just high time for me to just take a vacation. I think I earned it after all of this and to be honest, the one time I hear from someone that they legit missed me is going to be the day when I get to look at them right back and scowl, because to be honest with you, journal, I've had enough of this bullshit. I can't keep running like I have been recently. The more the work piles up and piles up is going to come to a breaking point and eventually, I'm going to snap. And when I do, I'm not held accountable for what it is I say and what it is I do, because goddammit, people are starting to grate on my last nerve. If I ever get famous doing half of the shit I do, I'm going to regret the absolute fuck out of it, because everyone is going to be clamoring for my attentiona nd I'm gona have to improvise one fuck of a cover story in order to get people to back off.

But then again... That's pretty much what my alternative has been nowadays. Either A, I try and get out of conversations as quick as I can because fuck if I can be bothered with most people. B, I have to say I'm kinda busy with something else at the moment. Or C, I'm forced to lie to someone in order to steer things away from a topic I don't feel like discussing. Hell, I just wished I could just hide in another person's body, but I know that doesn't do me any good, either, because it's the same motherfucking hassle there of people either being dickheads, liars, thieves and dirty dealers, and once again, I find myself at my wit's end. So what do I do? Do I just yank up those stakes and walk on off? Do I just ride off into the sunset where I'll never be seen ever again? Or do I just simply and just for a day, unplug and just back off?

Seems like everything's all a viable option at this point. I'm just tired of the back and forth bickering, is all. I'm tired of it. I'm done with it.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well at least - or try to, anyway - sleep this off, because fuck, people. You all know how to ruin some people's moods and afterwards, I'll go back to being the deaf, dumb, blind mute I was back then.

Right. I'm out for now.
 
Thursday Evening,
January 23rd, 2020

You know... I've taken to listening to some chillwave, retrowave and synthwave mixes lately. And I dunno why, but there's something oddly settling about listening to something like that. It's also kind of weirdly nostalgic despite I was born in a decade we were halfway into and then all of a sudden, five years later, it's the 1990s. But yet, as I've listened to it, I just find myself just settling in... Staring at the visuals and just forget about my problems for a while as I take that cruise down that neon colored skyway towards an unknown destination. But yet... I dunno. Like I said, maybe I needed to listen to something different for a change. I mean don't get me wrong, the music I listen to is relatively unchanged, it's just... Maybe I needed something new to add onto my current repertoire. Now that I have, I look for a nice, long, lengthy playlist and then settle in, listen and maybe fall asleep to it on one of those long nights like I did once.

One other thing I've noticed is that I've been getting more into writing again these days. Maybe I should give that old RPing thing one more try, but until that day comes, I'm probably planning on sticking to my little corner in the world, just minding my own business. But hey, that's why you're all here, wanting to know what it is I'm thinking of these days. I don't mind it, though. It gives me some small comfort knowing that you're all here. I mean, you don't have to be here if you don't want to. All I do is just rattle off a thought here and there in a way that says that yeah, I am alive in some form or fashion.

This might be a short thought, but ehh. Not much to think about in this regard.

Be seeing you later.
 
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Saturday Night,
February 8th, 2020

Been a while since I wrote in here, hasn't it? Well, let's just say it's been rather quiet save for the occasional bullshit that creeps up every so often. It's mostly been easy to swat down, but then there are other times when it just seems to just never stop and it doesn't matter what it is, either. But at this point in my life, I've come to this little thought. As long as it doesn't have my name attached to it, it doesn't matter to me. I'm also aware of the fact of there are times when I'm a little bit unorthodox when it comes to how I talk. But you know something, how about I just keep my mouth shut if it's really that much of a bother to you because to be honest, getting herranged for it constantly is getting on my nerves.

But then again, what do I really know, especially these days, huh? Apparently, I don't know enough of my own asshole to my own elbow most times, where some others seem to think they know far more than I do. But hey, it's fine. No, really. It's just fine. I don't mind if I get blamed for everything. I personally don't even care anymore. I don't even care if - say for example - someone said their meds in a place where they think they are, but in reality, there was nothing there and I'm trying to point out to you that there's nothing there and then you get on my case for it. I don't even care about that anymore. But I'll tell you one thing, for certain. The more you pin the blame on me for certain things, the more it's going to come back onto you. I just want you to remember one thing. Should there ever come a time whenever I'm not around, guess what you're gonna have to do. You're gonna have to do things by yourself. Wouldn't that be just a kick in the pants, huh? And just think, I wouldn't be around for you to pin all your blames on, because at this point in time, I would rather be anywhere else other than here. I would rather be out in Westerly, hiding away from everyone in this goddamn state and no one would even know where to look around here. Best part is, I wouldn't know anyone from a hole in the wall and to be honest, I would love that more than anything. I would rather be a simple number rather than have a name attached to it.

Like I said, I'm done being around people. I'm done in general and at this point, I don't even fucking care. All I want is to be left well enough alone and then fade into obscurity, fade out of everyone's memories and then, when it's my time to ride the Grim Reaper highway, I leave this world the same way I came in: Alone. There's no sense in being in another person's life. There's no purpose in it. There's no fulfillment other than procreation. Ergo, there's no reason for it. None.

Fuck it.
 
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Tuesday Late Afternoon,
February 25th, 2020

I had a bit of a thought when it came around to be Valentine's Day earlier in the month, but like most other days, I often tend to forget about them. At least, that's what I've always been told as of recently. /sarcasm

Who would've thought that as of 11 years ago as of the 14th, that we'd be coming back here. And of those 11 years, five of them were spent homeless. And you know, I keep thinking to myself that maybe it was all for the best that it all happened the way it did, because as I've said all the time in the past few years I've written in this thing, it was probably better for the fact that maybe I needed to be shown who or what really mattered to people. What a lesson it's been over these past 11 years since I've been back in this little shitpit of a town that I call home sweet home. I guess I didn't know it at the time, but it seems to me that perhaps... Maybe... Just maybe, that I needed to know what my true values were and where people's loyalties really were. Were they with those within their immediate circle or perhaps did they have some sort of ulterior motive? Honestly, at this point in my near 35 years of being a blight to everyone around me (at least, I believe that to be the case), I think I've found out that I could not even begin to give even the faintest fuck in this far-flung world of ours that we all share. Knowing what I know now, I probably would love nothing more than to go back in time and tell my mother that coming back here would be the biggest mistake in your entire life. She had a good job over there at Nebraska Furniture Mart. I was even doing well with my own little job over there and life in general would've been far more peaceful and easy going. I mean yeah, I kinda fucked up at that one point when I got axed from the MSR Group over the fact that I kinda shared the shit out of everyone by screaming my head off after that one bullshit phone call, but you know... After that whole thing, I then got back into D&D again after all that happened.

Things would've been so much better if I just stayed. And who knows how things would've went from there. But should've, could've and would've don't equate to much these days. But then again, that's the whole point. I don't know how things would've turned out. It'd probably turn out the same as it was then, but maybe then, I'd be a little bit happier. I mean, I'm a little bit happier nowadays, but not by much. If anything, it's more or less to bullshit someone into thinking I'm a little happier, because really and truly...

I'm not as happy as people think I am. But that's fine. I can at least fake that smile and tell people that everything's fine when it really isn't. Not one person needs to know what I really think, what I really think feel or any of that. Besides, it's all one big joke, with me being the punchline.

Oh well. I've been accustomed to a lot of things and maybe have grown complacent, but that's not really anything new. But otherwise... Ehh. I suppose there's not really much to think about, so I guess I'll let you all get right back to what you're doing, Journal. Either I'll reread some of my older entries or maybe throw in the occasional new one to let you know I'm still here, kicking around and all that.

See you soon.
 
Late Night,
March 28th, 2020

Kinda been a while, hasn't it? Well, with most of the state under lockdown because of a certain virus, there's really not much anyone like me can do, but that's how it is.

As for how I'm doing, I'm fine. There's been the occasional aches and pains here and there as well as a nasty cramp in my shoulder, but I've ranted and rambled about them so much, it's pretty much old hat as of this point. However, there is some good news to report on and this is something even I didn't expect to see at all. About a few weeks ago, a neighbor came to my mother one night and asked her that she had a sister that was giving away some stuff, and what was in the middle of it all was a Wii U console, with some games and all the amenities with it. So, my mom comes to me about it and then, I looked back at her then the neighbor and said, sure, I'll take it.

So, as it stands, I've got my hands on a - sort of - shiny looking Wii U alongside my XBOX One and the PS3. Took a little bit of know-how in order to reset it to factory settings, but no big big deal. Not much in terms of games, but after looking up some stuff, it turns out I can do some minor hacking through an exploit without bricking the thing and even run a Homebrew Launcher then add some ROMs on there. Of course, one of the pains in the ass I've been coming across is that the Apps store where I'm in the process of trying to grab Retroarch kind of stalls out after downloading it and then trying to exit out. I mean, I know it tells me to be patient and let the thing sit after a while, but even then, it still does it. I dunno, maybe I'm doing something wrong as I usually do.

There only two, maybe three games I'm looking to find for it, but hell if I know if they're even still able to be found nowadays. Not only that, but there was something else. Way before all of this, I managed to rescue an OG XBOX - A green see-through Halo SE one, at that - from a dumpster. Shockingly, the thing still works, too. I dunno why someone would try to throw that out if it works, but the only thing I found was wrong with it was the disc tray kind of sticks. So, after forcing the tray to stick out then grabbing a set of tweezers to grab that little rubber O-Ring and clean that off, then get some necessities for it, it runs like a charm. Might need to find a shop around here - provided if and when this lockdown ends - and see if I can get the thing cleaned up, then maybe see if I can turn that into a Homebrewed machine, too. There are some methods, but it looks to be a little on the tedious side. No idea on what I wanna do with it yet, though.

But yeah. Turns out I've been a bit of a busy guy. I had to. They do say that idle hands are the Devil's Workshop. Last thing I wanna do is let these things go stale, y'know?

I've also been thinking over a few things. I've been thinking about getting back into video making again, or at least doing one that explained as to how or why I haven't uploaded pretty much anything for over a year or thereabouts, maybe even two. If I did, I'm thinking of telling it in a way that would be reminiscent from scenes of the fifth season of Samurai Jack. You know the ones, right? I'm not entirely sure how I wanna go about it, but I've been having some ideas filtering through my head here or there, but trying to find the time to string them all up all nice-nice is the tricky part.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well get going for now. Like I said though, with this whole coronavirus thing going on, there's really not many places I can go to nowadays. Kinda weird that it would take something like this to shutter everything down until this all clears up, but from how things stand as of now, it seems like this is gonna be this way for a while. Anyhoo, off with me. See you next time.
 
Monday Afternoon,
April 6th, 2020

You know... I've often wondered. Is my time truly never wasted? Does anything I say or do matters? Am I only around for the sake of convenience or because I truly matter to someone in their lives? I feel as though I've written the chapters, walked the paths I needed to, traveled all over this landscape and then some. I've done all I needed to do, said the things I needed to say and told people what it is I think. And yet... I feel like that even as I walk a little further, I grow just sick and tired of it all. But even then, it's just one more step. Just one more walk. One more word. One more thought. One more meaningless, empty, vapid, useless and wasted action.

I'm tired of it. I'm just so damn tired. I'm tired of constantly getting blamed for something that wasn't even my fault. I'm tired of being the so-called source of everyone's problems. I'm tired of this feeling of meaninglessness. I'm tired of being constantly devalued, I'm tired of all of this and everything that goes with it.

But even then, I look at that watch that hangs up there. I look at that watch and then, I'm reminded of something. I'm reminded that my time isn't wasted. That it does have meaning. But does it really, now? Whenever the simplest, littlest thing that's even remotely a fraction of an inch out of place or somehow, whenever I tell someone right to their face that something isn't what it appears to be, I'm immediately dismissed or cast off to the side. But hey, I've gotten used to it right now. Far too used to it. But I hope those people out there know one thing. I remember that at the start of the year, there was a picture I shared with people on Facebook that said, before you do me wrong this year, make sure that you never need me again. That to me, spoke to me in a way that I don't think couldn't made any more clearer. It might have seemed inspirational to others, but I would like those people to know one thing: That wasn't meant for you like that. That was meant to be a warning, because the next thing you tell me or cop an attitude with me like the way those people did will be their last. Even though, I never said anything about it, but I've actually been keeping the receipts in my mind, and the negative things people have told me or done to me as of thus far seems like it's been far outweighing the positives and it doesn't matter where I am in the world when this happens. It could be in my own house, it could be anywhere online, it could be anywhere. I know I've said it since time and memorial, but goddammit, I'm getting sick and tire of repeating myself time and time again. I'm tired of being spoken to like I'm a fucking idiot. One of my cousins spoke to me like I was fucking retarded, and I am not going to put up with it. I couldn't give a shit if you were my own mother, I couldn't care if you were someone I knew in the street, I couldn't care if you were someone I knew on Second Life, because there is a person here behind this goddamn computer screen just as much as this is a person who is standing right in front of you. The more you keep running your mouth like that is all the more reasons as to why I keep pulling away to a point where I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing a thing more for you because goddammit, I don't know if you're going to snap at me again or heaven forbid if I'm forced to retaliate by bitchslapping you or cuss you out.

But I will reiterate what I said. The next time this happens again, I'm out and no one will ever see or hear from me ever again. If you think you can just apologize and think we can just start over, no. There will never be enough times you can say you're sorry for, because those two words usually mean you'll never do it again. Or at least they used to. So how about I apologize instead?

I'm sorry that I've been such a bad son. I'm sorry that I've been such an awful friend. I'm sorry that I screw up on everything. I'm sorry that I supposedly said something that was out of line. I'm sorry that I don't believe the same things you do. I'm sorry that I don't come out and socialize as much as I used to. I'm also sorry that I fall silent or that my attention is directed elsewhere. I'm also sorry for everything that I've done for you. I'm sorry if I broke something, misplaced something or put something in the wrong spot or did something else wrong, because that wasn't what you bought in the first fucking place. I'm even sorry that I was put on this earth. That being said, how about I do you all one last favor and remove myself entirely from everyone and everywhere, because it would be so much easier for yourselves from this point forth and just go back to being invisible? It was what I was the best at doing, anyhow. No one would know how my day was, no one knew what it was I was thinking, no one would know jack shit about me and forget that I was even there. I could then just saunter on into my room and just hide there. But as I sit here, there's nothing for me to enjoy anymore. There's nothing to watch on TV nowadays, all the video games are all the same, the bad news creep from the TV seems to have infected the places I go to on the internet and...

Fuck it. Just fuck it. What's the point of it anymore?

I'm going back to sleep.
 
Late Night,
April 18th, 2020

I've had it. Just when I thought that humanity itself could not be any more dumber than a sack of rocks, something told me that once again, this is what I get for getting my hopes up. You would think that by someone being nice enough to let another person go by you in the queue when they missed their turn at something, they would just be kind enough to let it go and let things progress naturally, right? No. Someone ALWAYS has to throw the world's biggest bitchfit about something and even when they tell you right to your face that it's okay and let it go just this time alone, then perhaps maybe, just maybe we can keep things moving, they instead whine and throw a temper tantrum that's on the same equivalency as most five year olds. Well guess what? How about the next time you open your fat fucking whore mouth another time, how about someone comes along and then backhands you square in the face to shut the fuck up and just play along. It's not their fault they showed up late, so what makes you think you have any goddamn right to run your mouth and complain? I get that there's the phrase, "The customer is always right!" and whatever, but whoever it was that coined that phrase never met some of the people that you see out there, especially in this fucking year. These whiny, self-serving, petulant, self-important fuckwits that have to sit there and complain about every little thing until it finally grinds down your last fucking nerve. You try and be nice enough to tell them to wind it down, but no. They wanna keep it going and keep it going for longer than necessary well then, here we go. How about I tell to you like this?

The next time someone like you runs your mouth off one more time, I don't care if you're a friend of mine or whoever you are to me, but let me remind you of the establishment I've worked for, especially when it comes to retail. You're a customer. You're there to buy shit. I'm there to sell shit. To that extent, if you wanna be a whiny little child and kick and scream in my store? Fuck you, you're getting shown the door and don't you dare come back until you relearn what it is that your parents fucking taught you when you were a child or go back and suck at your momma's dried up tit for another 20 fucking years. You, as the customer are NOT always right. If anything, you can be wrong as well. You were the one who acted up in my store property and therefore, you are to be dealt with the same way as any unruly cocksucking asshole does. In short, get fucked and take your fucking trash heap of a man with you, you fetid cunt and get the fuck out. Furthermore, you're only there to whine about not being able to buy anything because "my so-and-so holds my wallet because MEH MEH MEH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH..."

Once again. Just shut the fuck up. Matter of fact, I'm willing to bet you the only reason as to why your significant other holds your wallet or your purse or whatever is because your gold-digging ass has rather expensive tastes for more than what they can afford. In which case, you don't deserve that money in the first place, you fucking slug.

Changing gears as to what else has pushed me to my limits tonight... I told you, ma. There was gonna come a time when I was going to hear you shit talking me. And guess what, you just proved my point. I heard you muttering under your breath about me and yet, you just ended up doubling down just as you always do. Like you've always done. The worst part of it, is that you didn't even apologize. You just sat your fat ass there in that chair and continued to watch TV like nothing was wrong. But hey, it's whatever though, right? We'll just let this smooth over by itelf and we'll just let things go back to normal like it always does.

But again. You're forgetting something. You see, I have been keeping tabs on everything you say, whether you know it or not and oh, my fucking god, ma... You've changed an awful lot, with emphasis on the word AWFUL.

You used to be a more kinder and more patient person. But I can see now that the five years we've spent homeless as well as all that time out in the midwest from all those years ago before this has made you in more a more callous, vindictive, ungrateful, prideful, mean-spirited and uncouth fucking cunt and when I think back to the time I called it to you right in your face, I hit the nail right on the head in perhaps the most brutal fashion possible. Did it hurt your feelings? Yeah, it did and I as your son apologize for that. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, but you've had it coming for the longest fucking time and someone had to put it to you in that fashion. But I see now that once again, you've done nothing to take the evil out of your heart, the hate from your voice and the bitterness from your mind and frankly, it makes me embarrassed to know that I am your son. You know something, when your money does hit your bank the next time around or whenever your stimulus check comes in? You can keep the money you owe me. I don't want it. You've spent more than enough of mine.

I love you with all my heart and that will never change, but now you've come to understand the reason as to why I don't like you as a person. But hey, what do I know, huh? What did I know all those years ago, huh? I'm just some fat idiot who never really does much for you. Well guess what? You wanna play that game? Remember that it takes two to tango.

Game on, bitch. Be prepared to lose because when I come at you next time, you're gonna see me coming for you with all pistons firing on all cylinders.
 
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Early Morning,
May 15th, 2020

That figures. Apparenty, I'm allergic to pollen. And here, I thought I was more tolerable around flowers. Guess that's not the case anymore. But to the point where one of my eyes nearly wants to bust out of my head or glue it shut? Jesus, who'd have thought it?

But anyways, I suppose another rant/thought/whatever is in order, I guess. What's got my goat this time around? Well, aside from the fact this whole quarantine thing has still been riding my ass and wearing these masks someone apparently running for mayor for made feels like you're wearing someone's pocket over your face. Or bra. I dunno. It might sound funny, but fuck me, it gets annoying especially if you've been out and about for about a couple hours. Especially when the elastics on the sides of the masks kinda doesn't exactly fit over your ears.

But I suppose I should be a little more thankful for the fact that this lockdown happened when it did. But if I kept a backlog of all the TV I missed out on, all the games I've not gotten around to playing yet or the movies I've either hadn't had the time to sit down and enjoy or music I haven't listened to yet, it'd stretch out for hundreds of miles without end. That, and also streaming. I haven't done that in forever. Maybe next week whenever shit does decide to slow down for me maybe I might give that another go. Problem is, I've got too many of these things, so I dunno where to start first. I blame it on my collectivist mentality, but then again, whenever something I haven't touched in a long while or something new comes up, I can't help but keep it off to the side for later.

Anyways. What else...

I dunno. Maybe I'll have something more to talk about as it is kinda early in the morning to be doing such things as thinking. But yeah, nothing new to report. Still just another day in my life, I guess.
 
Tuesday Afternoon,
June 24th, 2020

Been a while since I last wrote in this. Then again, I suppose, considering the circumstances as to why it's been that way, I suppose it shouldn't come as much of a shock. Between trying to keep myself sane through watching either stupid shit on YouTube, trying my hand at some old games I either haven't played since my childhood, watching some stuff I might have missed out on or whatever the mood strikes me as, it serves to break up the grind of everything that I've been doing as of recently. I can only handle so much of it before it all ends up being one big slog that I have to get through in order to reach the finish line for that week.

But yeah, I suppose I might as well state this. I've been working as an auctioneer on Second Life selling pixelated stuff, like horses, wolves, tigers, dragons, you name it, I've probably sold quite a bit of it and earned a decent enough pay from it. Been at this for about a couple years now. Had some good days where it's hotter than a pepper sprout, other times it sucks so bad, that I can't even sell ice to the Inuit people of Alaska or it's as dead and empty as Death Valley when the snow don't fall. But more often than not, there are times when I just want to look at myself in the mirror on most days and think to myself, man, I'm actually kinda glad that I got out of working for Stop & Shop when I did. Then there's those other times when I just wanna look at people and tell them they all need to get their fucking acts together before I have to be forced to smack you all upside the head and tell you all to shut the fuck up. That no, it's not all about them and whatever sort of special dispensation you have will not work here, but can't because if I did run my mouth the way I wanted to, I'd be scorned rather vociferously, just how it would be in real life. Now of course, I work along side someone who's been at this for about nine, maybe 10 years now. She and I play off the other pretty well. Plus, whenever it's something I know next to nothing about, I can always turn to her and phrase the thing I'm gonna call in the form of a question, or that I other times ask the patrons there if X and Y are Z, you know? Sometimes, we get some people who've hand-built some stuff who come through, like I especially remember one guy sold a couple bikes he made, and then there were even other times when some people have brought the weirdest shit to ever exist and named even the most goofiest things ever. Nine times out of ten, it's gotten me to crack up, especially if something that has the crudest sounding me for me to read off, then I get to look up at people and say to them that you're all doing this to have me swear up a storm, ain'cha?

But I love it, though. It helps keep me on my toes, keeps my mind engaged enough to keep going and well, it all works out in the end.

There has been, however, some things that I've begun to notice over there. Some people know how to really rub you the wrong way. Coincidentally, this happens even in the online world. You think you'd get along just swimmingly and then, all of a sudden and without any form of provocation whatsoever, there's always that one type of person who would rather love nothing more than to shank you in the back whenever you're not looking at them longer than 20 seconds. I don't know what in the world would bring this out of them. My co-worker seems to think it's jealousy because she and I sell a hell of a lot more than some of the other guys there, when in reality, I just don't care why. They can all run their mouths for all I fucking care. I just want to get in there, set up my tip jar, get settled in and wait for people to show, get on with the auction and then once I'm done, I can then just head back home and chill there until I have to do it all over again. Besides, I'm not interested in the petty drama bullshit. It's bad enough I saw enough of this shit when I was in High School. I don't need any of that online. But no, I can confess something. I'm not even that good, yet people come to me anyway and whatever. Funnily enough, this is the same kind of thing I said when I hit my first hundred subscribers on YouTube several years ago. Like, why are you people hanging around me? I ain't that good! All I do is the menial grunt work while my cohort's got all the rest!

These days, though...

I swear, it's like I'm back in said High School again, where you've got one other person who's running their mouths about this reason, that reason or another person who's CLEARLY bullshitting their way to get out of shifts because X. Y or Z and it's all gonna catch up on them at some point. Lemme also put this out there, for those of you that are medical professionals. Have you ever heard of someone who had a biopsy done that they needed to have their anything elevated and on a heating pad? If not, then you now see my problem. And even when they do get on their shift - after about two, maybe three weeks, might I add - they almost make it look like they don't see another person there at the auction house when it's clearly their turn, or even got on voice when they weren't supposed to.

Okay. Look. I'm 35 year old boomer trash these days, man. I know it doesn't exactly mean much in the grander scheme of things, but the thing is that why should I be putting up with this cattiness from people? Why should I hear about this when in reality, I could give less than a fresh French fried fuck about what people say or do? It should be their shift they should be worried about and how they go about it or how they do their act is none of my business? I'm telling you one thing, though. The longer this goes on for, the shorter my patience becomes and what happens whenever I say the words, "I don't care anymore"? If it gets to the point where they wanna start burning bridges over nothing, then hey, by all means. Go right on ahead with your bad self, because I'm at a literal fuck deficit, alright? And if I say these words, "I don't care anymore" and mean it from the bottom of my heart, then that's a sign that maybe you shouldn't have been an absolute fuckwit in the beginning or maybe, you should try to start straightening up your act and fly right. Me and the person I'm paired with are of no threat to you. Hell, I'm of no threat to you. If anything, I'm one of the most easy to get along with people in the world. So what's the big hairy deal here? Is it something I said to you? Is it something I did? Or maybe I once again forgot to say something to you or whatever? I'd like it if someone could tell me these things so I can add them onto my growing stack of notes please, because goddammit, I'm getting... No. On second thought, I am sick and tired of this.

I just want this to end. One way or another.

Anyways, I suppose I might as well head out for now and enjoy some time off for once in my miserable life. You'll probably be seeing me around again. In the meantime, you take it easy. I guess.
 
Early Morning,
July 5th, 2020

I never want anyone to know what this feels like. As a matter of fact, I don't want anyone to know what this feels like. What I feel right now is a total loss. A car crash of emotions to the point where all you feel is just an empty pit right where your heart was supposed to be.

To put this as bluntly as possible, my cat Tux of ten years of age died right in my arms just last night. As for why or how, I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I helped bring him into this world on April 18th of 2010. And just like that, all in the span of a day, he was gone.

As for how I am now... I don't know what to feel. I just... Don't know. At all.

I'm tired. Really tired. I'm heartbroken. I've been crying all night. I've been utterly beside myself and as of this moment... Everything just hurts. My heart. My soul. My mind. My everything.

I did everything for him... He was like my little brother... Sure, he was a pain in the ass and all that, but he loved me all the same as all my cats in the past did. From Princess... To Ooglie... To his half-brother Tigger... Every single one... And now, he's another one to have joined them up there past the Great Rainbow Bridge, as my mom put it.

Fuck this entire year. It's taken far too much from me and given me nothing in return. And on that note, I'm going to - try and fail miserably at - getting some sleep.
 
Friday Late Afternoon,
July 24th, 2020

Yep. Another one of these things where I go on and on and on again about something bothering me and what have you. Actually, not much has been bothering me as of recently. Except Tux passing away. That's gonna be another one of those sore spots.

Of course, one of my neighbors keeps on being the resident asshat around here. She keeps on sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, thinking she knows better than anyone else in this building and of course... There's also the matter that her beau tested positive for COVID-19... AND STILL, THE DUMBASS DYKE STILL LETS THE DIPSHIT IN. There's also the matter that she prides herself in referring to herself as the "pharmacist" of this place. As if this dump needs one, honestly. Of course, she's selling shit like Gambapeten, Vicodin, Percocet, Valium, weed, shit like that, right? All without a prescription. All with intent to make money. All without a goddamn care in the world. She then starts picking fights with people in the building because oh, her opinion matters more than yours, and fuck you if you think otherwise.

There's a word that comes to mind almost immediately for these kinds of people. Cunt, of course springs to mind rather easily. Another word I can add onto said pejorative with an adjective is a narcissistic cunt, but again, it comes together all too easily. How about an unlikable, double-talking and hypocritical narcissistic cunt? Well now, here's the thing here. Hypocrisy gets thrown around so much it's a full on buzzword these days, so we can drop that one, but I could go on from there and believe me, I could go on until the next coming of a comet. But you know, at the end of the day and when all the dust has settled down, what good would descriptive insults serve? I could come up with so many combinations of them and really ramp up the harshness until you're left bleeding out of every pore from your body because I absolutely bodied you with the most brutal insult I can think of.

Let me just make this precisely clear. There is nothing I want to do with people like this one. I sincerely hate this bitch with all of my being, but yet, I have to tolerate her for now because she just so happens to be our "neighbor". But that time she was trying to talk to my mom about some shit and then has the sheer audacity to call me her "dear friend", which was something that just flat out nauseated me to the point where I just wanted to run for the toilet and vomit out every part of my intestinal tract in disgust, I had this thought come to me.

Friends don't do each other dirty like that. Ever. They also don't speak ill of someone's deceased father. They also don't try to act all big and bad when they're nothing but the excrement that you could scrape off your shoe on a storm drain. Real friends would be there to help those that have nothing without strings attached to it. Real friends wouldn't also harbor a grudge and would let the petty shit go and maybe, try to act like a reasonable person. But in her case? There is nothing redeemable about her. There is only bitterness, contempt, hatred, jealousy, anger, a highly unchecked amount of unwarranted self-importance and all this and more... As well as a nose that would rival that'd make Triple H envious of her.

But well... If I were her, I'd want to keep my head down low, because she has no idea as to what's coming her way. And what she has coming her way would land her in prison for about 10 years hard time. But yet, she's guilty of so much more. And if she even thinks of coming over here, she's got another thing coming. Now that her whoever her significant other is caught this shit and could very well have the chance of spreading it around... Let's just say this. If my mother caught COVID-19 from either of those bastards... Let's just say it won't end pretty. So for both their sakes, that Typhoid Mary and Gunga Dinn over there can stay over there and keep themselves away from us if they know what's good for them. Oh, but she can say it was a false positive all she wants to, but one you have it in your system, the simple fact remains. You're a carrier. And furthermore, you need to self quarantine no matter what, or otherwise, you're in for a bigger wake up call. More importantly, you're also going to find that your ability of moving around is going to be rather restricted, especially if either a cop or a National Guardsman or possibly even a federal agent tells you to stay at home. In other words, when your monkey ass is told to stay put, YOU DON'T GO OUT TO OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES. AT ALL. Doubly if you got those whirlybirds up in the air. I mean that's if it gets to an extreme case, but considering everything that's gone on ever since March, there's a damn good chance that'll happen.

And for three years, I've had to tolerate this bitch. Three fucking years of having to hear about her bullying people, stealing from people, hear about her starting fights with others and just hearing more about all the reasons that I just do not like this person at all. Every single fucking time like clockwork and without fail, it never ceases to amaze me as to how one person can bring out so much malice within you, especially if it gets to the point where the first words that fall out of your mouth are, "Oh fuck, what'd they do now?"

There's been some other shit that's been going on here, but then again... That's Central Falls for ya. It's called Sparkle City for a reason, according to some people.

But I guess that's enough for now. I'll see you later.
 
Sunday Morning,
July 26th, 2020

I would like to think I'm the type of person that when you're down and out, I would not hesitate to help you out in any way I could, even if it means having to call out for anyone within a five mile radius to come and help you out. That's part of my make up as a person. That's who I am. But for someone to bitch me out for at least having the gumption to help you in a time like that, that puts a sour taste in my mouth. I know not everyone are those hapless villagers who when there's some sort of evil villain that descends from the blackest, most foul regions of the world and terrorizes the village, that there's always going to be some hero who stands up to the villain and engages them in a one-on-one duel to a finish and eventually slays him and then the hero receives all this kind of praise that gets showered all over him from up high and whatever. I also know not everyone is some damsel in distress that's waiting for that same hero to arrive in a suit of shining armor and rides a white horse to save the day yet again, because not everyone is like that.

However. To shit all over me for at least one of those few people who at least had a plan, and even though it might have seem impulsive, maybe even made a last minute, last ditch effort to come and do what's right if you're incapable of doing something on your own or having a rough time with it? I dunno. It leads me to believe that perhaps maybe what I do for some people isn't exactly as valuable as I'm led to believe. That all I did was just waste my time. That the effort I put in was wasted. That everything I do and for the record, I'm the type of person who believes that at least putting in his best foot forward and if it doesn't work out, then okay, so be it. That's fine. That's on me. Not only that, but you have to be consistently good at it, too. It's not just the grand sweeping gesture that counts. You have to do everything by the book every single day of the week and there cannot be any takebacks, no anti-startsies, touch blue, make it true and double-stamped. I appreciate the notion of being thanked for it, yes. However, I don't want to be praised for it. I only believe in doing what's right ever single time and that's enough. Sometimes, yes, I also go beyond the call of duty and really go for the gusto. But again, I don't want any recognition for it. A simple thank you would've been nice and that would've been it. And well, I do get that from some people. If it seems like I overstep a boundary or two in the process, yeah, okay. That's on me. But I also know that there comes a time when everyone has their limits. Everyone does. No one's Superman. No one's Wonder Woman. They exist only in comic books for a reason. Sure, they can take on so much before they eventually snap and when they do, it's scary as to what they could potentially do when they're unleashed. But here's another thing that I don't think everyone realizes. There are also flawed heroes out there who do things the way they do and even though it might not seem like they're doing it the right way, but in the end, they get the job done. Does it seem like it's impulsive, rash or maybe they thought up of something at the last minute and hoped and prayed to god they can pull it off? Yes. But again, if it gets the job done and everyone can go home happy? Then I don't see as to how or why this should be an issue.

Someone even brought up the movie Shrek to me. About the character Fiona. Yeah, I get that she's a tough princess who could handle herself, but you know something? She had a character flaw of her own, and the curse she was placed under doesn't count. There was another underlying issue. How did she get to be the way she was? Because her parents forced her into a situation that was unrealistic as we saw in Shrek 2. That was why she turned out to be rebellious and a hellion. So don't you dare try to tell me how that movie went especially when I watched those movies from beginning credits roll to end credits roll. Numerous times, I may add. Hell, the titular character himself in Shrek when we first saw him was a hateful bastard of an ogre who only wanted to be left alone at first and when he was placed into a situation that seemed as though he couldn't get out of under normal circumstances, he instead went through it anyway and whenever he tried to do something the right way or at least how he saw it being the only course of action so many times, he got shit on for it, too. How did he handle it? He instead turned and walked away, stating fine, who needs you anyway? And besides, he only wanted to be left alone anyway. It was only because Donkey and him got into that argument at that point in the movie that Shrek soon realized that he had made a mistake and took it upon himself to correct it. But even then, he didn't do it alone. He brought in as many hands as he could find so that it didn't fall upon just himself.

So what have I got to say that? Fuck you. I know what movie I saw. And what I did tonight to bring myself and another person to help you out when I could tell you were having a problem was not me thinking you were weak and couldn't handle yourself, no. That whole thing I did was me coming out with that one guy was in support of you so that you didn't do it by yourself. Because that's what being a part of a fucking TEAM is. It's everyone's job to rally around whoever it is that's having that hard time and help the individual pull through, because there's only so much one person, man or woman, that can do. But a group of people, men and women alike that bands together can do so much more. No one should ever do something alone. It takes the combined efforts of all parties involved that believe that what they're doing is the right thing to accomplish so many things. But I suppose it all comes back to just one person. So when it comes right down to it, if you wanna tackle something by yourself, then hey, more power to you. I never needed the recognition for it anyway. I only wanted a thank you, and you gave me nothing but a bitchfit for it, you two-faced twatcanoe. But you know what? I realize now that much like everyone else, I'll never get that thank you from either you or anyone else.

And all I can say to that is this.

Fine.

Who fucking needs you anyway? I'm better off as a solo act anyhow. In conclusion...

YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
 
Thursday Late Evening,
August 20th, 2020

I try and do right by everyone. I really and truly do. But it seems as though to me that in order to get that through people's heads, it seems like it's still my fault no matter what it is I say and/or do. And then, they still have the nerve to bring up a past mistake I've made, of which I've said multiple times that I've made up for it and have even attempted to make myself out to be a better person for it. But even then... Wow. I just can't seem to get a break, no matter what I do even then, huh?

It's alright though. Eventually, it's all gonna come to light as to what kind of person you really are in your little bubble. You still never really needed me. It was just out of convenience, anyway. So, I just think it's just better that I leave you in the dust and then, I never would've even given you so much as a thought. Or hell, why did you even come bothering me in the first place all because some asshole was ragging on you and trying to chase your skirt, huh? And personally, I couldn't have given a shit about what people were all saying behind my back, anyway. At least I knew how to generate a buzz at the job I was doing at a place before I met you. You could've just flat out ignored me and then bam, I would've been just fine.

But nowadays, I feel as though that all you're doing is just feeding me nothing but lines of bullshit when all I've done nowadays is try to be there for you when it counted. Even when you were at your lowest points, I showed the aptitude necessary to at least do right by you, even offered to find you a place to stay. But I see that my judgment was clouded once more, according to you. So what were those text messages saying to me then, huh? That if it the worst happened, you'd come out here? Was that all just smoke in mirrors? Was that you acting out of desperation as you usually do? What was it, huh? What was any of it?

Well. I got news for you. The next time you see me again, I'm taking off that velvet glove, and I'm bitchslapping you with an iron hand that you should've gotten because you're a first-class, two-faced donkeycunt and then afterwards, I'm turning around and I'm gonna be the one who walks away, because you know what this has turned into? You're holding those mistakes over my head like it's supposed to mean something to me these days. Are you forgetting something? The shit I did happened back in 2015 and then in 2017. I admitted my mistakes and owned up to them, so you know what you really should be doing now, especially in 2020? Fucking letting the old shit go. It's bad enough the whole world's been put under lockdown and people are still shuttered inside of their homes without having been reminded of old shit that happened then, unless if your purpose was to make me feel worse than I currently feel as of now? Oh yeah, another thing?

Yeah. Another one of my uncles passed away, thank you very goddamn much. I shouldn't even be around anyone these days and I should be mourning, but nope! I still gotta haul ass if I wanna keep my goddamn job. Now here's another thing you're forgetting. Suppose if that was my mom that died, huh? She's all I got left and after her, all I got left is the uncle who's also my godfather. After him? Who do I have left? The answer to that is no one. I mean yeah, I COULD stay in this apartment complex, I could. But you're damn sure never going to see me around anymore, because by that point, I'd have given up on everything and just said, fuck it all to hell and back, because I'm done.

At this point, though? I couldn't care any less. I'm just sick and tired of arguing. I'm sick and tired of just being relegated off to the side and made to look like I don't fucking exist. It's bad enough I got that shit from my oldest cousins and look how I responded to them after they turned and walked away from me and their aunt. If they walked out on me, fine. I have more than enough reason to walk out on them and trust me when I say this. You don't want me to walk, because I'm the only bastion you have left to keep a grip on your sanity.

But I suppose that doesn't matter now, does it?

Ah hell, who am I kidding? I'm wearing myself out more and more just thinking about this.

Until next time, journal.
 
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Wednesday Morning,
September 9th, 2020

Just when you think you're out of the woods and in the clear, another disaster always strikes.

Last night, it turns out that one of my cousins died. And I was just coming back from voting, then having to take the dog out, the trash out and then coming back in with Leo and the box my mom ordered from Amazon when I then come into the house, seeing her pacing back and forth bawling her eyes out, screaming "No no no!" when I then look at her and asked, "What happened?!"

She then says, "David's dead!"

Oh, but wait. Here's where we're at now.

So now, comes the planning of the funeral arrangement. She asked her niece Amy to come this morning and get her to take her over to the funeral home, but then... No one shows. And I think I know why, too. Apparently, my other "cousin" Dawn is still harboring a grudge from all those years ago and more than likely told her not to have any dealings with their ONLY living aunt.

Well guess what. You know, your brother's dead. The rest of the family has passed away. You're the only ones remaining, and you're all that you have now. The older generation is getting older these days and it's only a matter of time before the Grim Reaper claims them, too. And by the way? Your aunt? Correction, your ONLY living aunt? She's also my mother. Once she goes and you can consider this a warning shot across your nose, but you'll NEVER get to see her. None of you wanted anything to do with her in life all those years ago when she was sick with Hepatitis C and then she came down with a case of double pneumonia that she was then put into a medically induced coma and let's also not forget the time her breathing troubles got so severe at one point about a couple years ago that she came within literal minutes of dying from, so what makes you think you'll get to see her in death? As for me, you can kiss my ass and go the fuck away from me, because if you wanna play this game, then fine. You two; Amy and Dawn, are now NOTHING to me.

Unless the both of you - eventually, but I don't think you ever will - decide to drop this stupid fucking grudge of yours, put your differences aside, get your heads out of your asses and come together on what really matters, remember one thing. It takes two to tango. This is for David. Not ANY ONE of you.

I've had it.
 
Wednesday Early Morning,
September 16th, 2020

You people know I put up with a lot of shit. You also know I put up with even more shit even when I'm not here. You also know that I deal with people on a nearly constant basis time and time again. You also know that I try and be there for everyone as much as I can, even if it's at my own detriment. A lot of the times, I forget about things and I will admit this full stop. At the same time though... You also know that when you sit there and you expose yourself to being the outright bastard child of Satan herself, because at this point, I'm damn convinced that the devil is a woman and that she wears Prada, that high class demon slut, that's when I am forced to eventually withdraw myself away from you.

But then, you start to shit talk me to people in your immediate circle. That makes me hold no further respect for you like the disrespect you've shown me. Then when someone tells you that maybe you and I shouldn't be holding this type of conversation in public view of everyone, you immediately start thinking that just because they've never been put in this situation and doesn't know how to handle it? You go absolutely ballistic and start attacking them under your opinion that oh, he just basically told you to go fuck off, and that the friendship he gave you was a one-way street before shutting the door in his face.

Well you know what? That's fine. Some friend you truly were. But hey, it's whatever right?

Actually, when I think about it like this, okay? Follow me on this, if you like. This level of bullshittery I've been seeing from you is just childish and pedantic. You're nearing 50 years old and yet, you come off as a five-year-old most times. So much so, that even that same person who you said walked out on you? He was getting pissed that you basically threw him under the bus and me with him. But once again, I'm just loving how everything just circles back into being my fault, while at the same time, you take no responsibility for any of it. I don't ask to be waited on hand and foot. I don't need someone to baby my ass every step of the way. I'm a grown ass man myself and even then, there are times when I can do things even without you knowing it. My mind is constantly moving at a pace that you couldn't even begin to imagine.

But tonight... Your mask slipped off and you showed yourself just how evil, vindictive, mean and hateful you truly were.

I'm also surprised that you can't even take a little bit of sarcasm that was meant to be a joke. I'm surprised that you blew it so far out of context that maybe, I should just default to just never crack a joke again. Yeah, I'll definitely be a little more transparent with my whereabouts and the like, but you can forget about the comedy act from this point forth because at this point, I refuse to be your fucking punchline. I refuse to be that rimshot and more importantly, I refuse to be your punching bag and don't you dare try to lump me in with those other chumps, let alone that one simp who you've got basically worshipping your every movement. I'm surprised you haven't seen that for yourself.

I hope you're aware of one thing.

The minute you decided to push me away? I'll remember this. I'll also remember that when you try to come to me for help for whatever little boo-boo you have, I won't be there for that, because after that, that's when I'll look to you and say, hey, yeah, you remember that one time when you asked me for help? Yeah. Fuck you. After that, I will turn and walk off into the sunset, never to be seen or heard from again. And you can take your little circle of friends and go shove them all up your ass, too. Let them be your problem.

As for me... I have a funeral to be a part of.

Pfft. People these days. Can't live with them, can't live without them. And yet, I am forced to work alongside these creatures.

Hell with it.
 
Saturday Afternoon,
September 19th, 2020

I wished I didn't have to do this today. I really don't. But at the same time though, I need to do this if for no other reason than to grant myself a little bit of closure and afterwards, I don't want to deal with anyone. Hell, I don't even know if I even want to work today, but I know full well if I do, I'm just not going to be as enthusiastic about it. And well, I guess I don't have to, much as I hate to say it.

I wasn't looking forward to seeing some people that I haven't seen in a good long while. But at this point in time, does it really even matter anymore? But once those three leave, I never want to see them again for as long as I live, even if it can be avoided. These people weren't as important in my cousin's life before, so why should it even matter now that he's gone? Like all of sudden, when news of this eventually broke on Facebook, now Laurel decided then and there to be the wife that she never was to him? Like... Really?

It's just too bad that no one still wants to deal with you especially after all of the bullshit you did all those years ago. And the nerve of you starting up that GoFundMe, looking for $6500. How hard up are you really for cash, huh? How about you leave Amy with hers just so she could've been able to lay her brother to rest, huh? How about you leave the family who you decided to leave from well enough alone so that they, including myself, can have their moment and then when all is said and done, we can all just go home and remember David for those times when he was alive?

But no. You have to stick your fat cloven hooves into this and make this all about you when no one wanted you around, especially when you had the sheer fucking audacity to then ask people for money just so your other snotnosed little shit - and yes, I know he's autistic and everything and whatever, but personally, I couldn't care - of all things and right on the day that we're supposed to say our final goodbyes to David, a fucking birthday party. I hope you're proud of yourself, you miserable bitch. And personally, I don't care one way or another about what you or your kids have to say to us for whatever reason or another, because I won't hear it. You can take all of David's things, you can grub all you can get out of him and then cry all those crocodile tears for when the rest of us truly needed sympathy... To you Laurel, I bequeath you with nothing but a boot to the head.

And one for Jenny and the whimp.

Hm. Even when I make a joke like that, I still feel nothing.

Have I really sank so far down into my own personal pit that I really feel nothing? Maybe I have, but at this point, as I've said multiple times now, it's my own cynicism and skepticism that's kept me alive. But before I cap this off, I should add one more thing. While you're there grabbing everything you can get from anyone who would give even a fraction of a fuck, there's one thing you can never have that'll be cherished for all of us who are still living.

The memories of our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, as... I think it might have been either my dad who said it or maybe it was my brother or someone... I can't remember now. But the point here is this. I remember that time when something was going down, he sailed over a fence when we were living at the Summer Street house and went after it. I remember those times when he gave me a stack of Slayers tapes for me to watch one night and I binged through all that shit. I even remember the heartache he went through after he left, and how all he was left with after Laurel took everything from him and only left him and the kids then with nothing but a can of tomato soup and no can opener.

You fucking cunt. I'm glad I'm not going there, because I would've loved nothing more than to ream you a new asshole right there in front of your retard child, the twink and the... whatever she is and your boyfriend.

But at least I can be the eye in the sky watching my mom. It might not be much, but at this point, it's about all that I can do.

On that note... I'm just gonna call it a day.
 
Tuesday Morning,
September 22nd, 2020

And how glad I am knowing I never did go. Simply put, it was exactly like I said it was going to be: An absolute three-ring circus.

What was worse about all this is that for some reason, whoever had the bright idea to add a casket for the cremains to reside in added another $1500 on the bill... And didn't even bother to pay not one cent for it all.

Then, for the ultimate insult, they took his ashes with them and left my mother and cousins all to carry the bag for the ultimate act of grubbery.

Just as I thought you would, Laurel, you cloven hooved, 70,000 metric ton cow. Just as I figured you would too, "Reverie", you artificial construct of a poisoned mind. And you, Kiri... You're just there. You came here kicking up storms and dust and all you left in your wakes was nothing but absolute destruction. The worst part of it all, is that I would've figured you all to have at least have done something about any of this, maybe even helped a little bit... But no. You've all demonstrated that you're no different than the lowest forms of pond scum, unfit to be in any part of a normally functional society and left your father and husband all alone when it really mattered. But hey, you've heard it all before. You've heard it said that all you have is David's body in a little ten pound box. You have his things in that truck. But what you'll never have is our memories of him, let alone the memories my mother has since she was the one who she helped raise when their own mother couldn't be bothered to. She knows that man more like the back of her hand.

And I hope you'll never come back here. I hope with every fiber of my being that none of you are allowed back here for as long as either one of us draws breath. You'll come to regret everything that you've done one day, but when it does... It'll be far too late. And just like that, you'll all be relegated to the trashbin of a forgotten memory.

You know... If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were all his killers. Kinda too bad I can't prove it, but... Well. I guess that's only left up to God now, as he is the final judge and I also hope you all enjoy all that bad karma that's now going to be headed your way. I hope everything falls apart for you and all everything headed your way is ten times worse than you could've all imagined and I know you'll try and come to any one of us who're still left alive for help when it does happen, but I'll bet you that one of us are going to remember on that day how all you've done was just grubbed for everything you could get your grimy mitts on, how you basically embarrassed yourselves and how you made yourself out to be no better than any of the people that you see out there either online or on TV, the types of people who you didn't think exist, but do through some sort of metaphysical osmosis and when we do remember that particular day... The only answer you'll get is that door slammed into your face.

In short... Go fuck yourselves and never come back here, you miserable, horrible fucking human beings. No, none of you even qualify for humanity anymore. You're all slime. Lower than that. You're nothing but little piles of shit. Or rather, you're all further on down than that. You're all lower than the molecules that make up the dirt or the worms that eat those molecules of dirt.

But hey, what do I know?

Oh well.

I suppose that's where I'll end this. David, man, I wished this never happened to you like this. I really wished. But if you could do us all one little favor? Make their lives miserable from this point out. Make them feel all the pain you felt over the years when you were left all alone. This is probably asking too much, but... However you wanna go about it is just fine by me.

As for me, I'm just gonna go lay down and forget that this entire month was ever a thing. Except I can't.

Later. I guess.
 
Wednesday Morning,
October 14th, 2020

You know... It's kinda funny how getting your mind off of things by simply enjoying the things you do, even if it might seem like work so it might easy to interpret it at first actually results in getting something that you never knew that you really needed. And when you do, you find yourself drawn to it. Sure, the objective you're heading for is... Probably something that's out of your reach, but if you just keep working at it more and more, you find out that you'd be right back to where you were all those years ago.

Case in point. I got back into D&D lately and I'm a part of a D&D 5e server with perhaps one of the most unusual premises I've ever been in. Not to mention and this was actually pretty funny that this got mentioned to me when I got there, that apparently, one of my old commentator friends ended up there as well. Turns out he might have been suffering from the same case of burnout that even I had to deal with when I basically took 30 minutes to myself to basically rattle off a thought that had been burning in my mind and from from there, I just went for it. I had to put it all out there for everyone to see, with no character stills, no music, nothing but just me and the camera from my laptop and as much as I wanted to talk about. The only difference being is that you, to whomever that stumbles upon this as well as the journal itself by its own very nature has cataloged everything that's happened to me over these past few years. The good, the bad, the ugly, the joy, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, everything and with no punches pulled.

But getting back on point, I find myself just settling back into another old hobby of mine that I haven't touched since my high school days. But yet, no matter how much the rules have changed and shit, the game is still the same as it always has been all those years ago.

Kinda funny how a little bit of escapism is needed in order to keep you head screwed on tight.

In other news... I guess my brother's wife is in town again. That said, RJ's not too far behind, since he got furloughed from his job out there in California and according to him, he's on his way home. When he'll appear is something I'm not sure of, but... Considering after everything that's happened over the past few months, it'll be great to have him around to help keep our mother grounded in reality, that nothing is out to get her and that everything will be just fine.

At least... That's what we hope.

Something tells me, though, that my brother and I will have a lot to talk about. Then again, I dunno. He doesn't really talk to me as much as he does to ma. It's all good. I don't mind.

Welp. Short thought, but... Well. I kinda need me some sleep. I've been up all night over the past few days and it's starting to wear on me some.

See you next time, journal.
 
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