𝕬 𝕽𝖔𝖘𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝕸𝖆𝖞 | Potentially NSFW, comments welcome

[Cantarella]

Save for some minor hiccups here and there, I appear to be in my right mind again, or close to it. I have been around on occasion between episodes of unconsciousness or stupor, but not really up for interaction. Mostly just coming on on occasion when my phone alerts me that I got a new PM or a thread that I follow has been bumped.

Don't worry- I've been given a different medication, one less addicting, but unfortunately the effects are just as strong, if not stronger, than what I had been given since the 3rd of this month to keep me asleep and out of harm's way. The doctor agreed to allow me to take it only as needed, but I assume when I see the specialist soon, they won't be as keen on that. I think, for now, even with things as touch and go as they still are, I'm going to try to get caught up on the posts that I have owed since nearly two weeks ago, when I crashed and burned as hard as I did.

Before I most likely get roped into taking these mind-numbing pills full time, or, god forbid, am sent for more extreme measures. I don't know what will happen to my writing ability in the event of those things happening. I'm going to be taking it one day at a time here, at least while I am able to. The future is quite frankly frightening, but I've been here before. Time and again, for nearly a decade since it started.

Anyway, enough rumination. I have my queue here, in order of arrival. I'll try to get to them by the date I received them, but some might come more naturally than others. Bear with me- I'm still pretty hazy and slow.

Meeting Alex dialogue plug- just some copypasting and it should be complete for now.
A Gift From the Depths
There Is No Escape
Birth of the New Gods
On the Edge of the World
The Wolf and the Viper
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace
One Small Favor
Home Alone No More
Under the Triple Suns

Also, I have 6 OOC PMs to get back to. I'll get to those soon, guys, I promise!

So uh... With all that backlog, revamping my RT is no longer taking priority. Not until I'm sure I can keep up with the flood if I do bump- as I always do end up flooded, and not until I'm sure I can stay on top of posts after being out of it for so long.

So... yeah. There's yer update. I'll try to stay more on top of updates here from here on out, granted I'm capable of doing so.

 

[Cantarella]

Still chipping away- my queue is narrowing again! I probably won't do much more tonight, maybe one or two? Depends on the lengths of these posts. Might hop around a bit and do the shorter ones first tonight, just to get some of these sent off.

My updated queue:

Birth of the New Gods
On the Edge of the World
The Wolf and the Viper
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace
One Small Favor
Home Alone No More
Under the Triple Suns
Dulce puella malum est

Also, I have chipped a bit at my overdue OOC threads and currently only owe two of those. If we were in the process of plotting, I'll get back to you soon! Bear with me- I'm steadily chipping away at what I owe. I haven't ghosted any of you.

 

[Cantarella]

Almost there! I'm almost there, bear with me!

New queue:

Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace
One Small Favor
Home Alone No More
Under the Triple Suns
There Is No Escape
A Gift From the Depths
Isabella's Game
On the Edge of the World
The Wolf and the Viper

I'm a little less than two weeks out on my oldest posts, if I've got my dates right. Still going in order as much as I can. Which means some of my more in-depth OOC chats will be coming along soon too, plotting included.

 

[Cantarella]

I am finally into posts made less than a week ago! I also did break the rule I set for myself, the one in which I would not reach out to interact with other RTs, but rather, simply wait to be reached out to. I got ignored a couple times before I set the rule for myself, and me, being the type of lady who, historically, does not handle rejection particularly well... Well, I was crushed. I dunno if I'll get a reply, but if I do, and if it takes off? Well, would be among the few times such things have occurred here. And I reckon I will be happy for it.

In fact... I guess I've changed a bit? Months ago I would go bonkers over a perceived slight, an imagined slight, an unintended snub. Ghostings and getting ignored, in particular, had a way of hurting me deeply. But I think that's the topic for another post. I have thoughts- actual thoughts, beyond my queue, beyond my memes, beyond posting music- I'd like to, eventually, hash out here. Judge all ye like, onlookers- there's nothing I have to lose but your perception of me.

Also, I did manage a couple paragraphs of the pet project I've been doing on the side. I haven't done solo writing in years, and I have always struggled with it after I discovered roleplaying. Save for smatterings of poetry and prose, neither of which I have done in any decent capacity in 9 years, all of my creative writing in the past two decades has been in the confines of roleplay. I've always struggled with how and where to end things. Collaboration has been a happy middle ground for me all this time, and, well... I got ideas, and I got nudged by one of my Discord servers to write something out that I thought about and talked about with two of the users in the writing channel.

I don't know if much will come of it, but I'm hopeful. After all, I have people who want to read it. I guess that's as good as a motivation as any. I don't like to keep people who enjoy my writings waiting for long. Or even people who I believe would find value in it for some reason or another. Writing, ultimately, is all I have. I'm not an artist. I'm not a musician. I simply put thoughts, feelings, intentions, onto paper- or, rather, onto a screen, brought to life with the strike of fingertips to plastic keys. It's my connection to the world outside my room, outside my tiny backwater town in the Ozarks. Outside my flesh and all its failings, its quirks and limitations. The same goes for this hunk of fat and salt that is inside my skull. Outside myself, wholly and completely. A way for me to escape the past, or make sense of it. A way to broaden my present. A paving of the path to my future.

Anyway, I figure I'll put in here what my partners are waiting for: their place in my queue. Yeah, yeah, shut up, Canta, no one cares about your maudlin introspection.

The queue is as following:

There Is No Escape
A Gift from the Depths
Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
In The Crow's Embrace
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
One Small Favor

 

[Cantarella]

Queue:

Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
In The Crow's Embrace
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
One Small Favor
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape

I'm... not entirely myself again this week. Still writing where I can, but... Struggling.

 

[Cantarella]

Had my usual Saturday game, and I am very sleepy. I did not do any posts (technically) yesterday. It's not tomorrow until I go to bed and wake up, dammit!

Anyway, new queue:

Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
In The Crow's Embrace
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
One Small Favor
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Birth of the New Gods

 

[Cantarella]

I unintentionally took the weekend off posting, sorry all! Time just sort of got away from me again. I will be passing out OOC chatter and posts today, and where I can during the rest of the week. I've finished my cleaning (for now, with some things left alone due to not being visibly dirty) and am sitting down to get some stuff done now.

Here's the newest queue, in order of arrival:

Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
In The Crow's Embrace
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
One Small Favor
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Birth of the New Gods
A Gift from the Depths
Our Hearts Agape

I also have the character concepts for the group RP to toy with, along with a new plot about ready to go, just waiting on the starter.

 

[Cantarella]

Okay, so I kiiiiiiinda lied about my productivity today. I only managed one post plus some coordination, plotting, and the two profiles for the group RP I'll be joining soon. Those felt like they were time-sensitive, so they got the priority.

It's almost bedtime, I think. Aside from perhaps fiddling around in OOC after hours, I'm about done for the day. Tomorrow, I should be back to the grind.

 

[Cantarella]

Got a bit done today, more than I've done in a few days. I got a little bit done on my primary solo project, and I've sent off the preview to someone who has been wanting to see my progress on it. I hope she likes it! I also sent it to a partner from here, just to show what I'm working on since he asked. He approves of it for now, even if it is just a couple paragraphs of content.

That felt really good.

I may not express it often, but I am really self-conscious about my writing skills. I've always feared that after two years unable to write anything of quality and nine years since I last wrote any decent poetry, my skill has atrophied and I may never be as good as I was in 2011, even though I was barely an adult at the time. I am self-conscious nearly to the point of fanaticism, ceaselessly aiming to improve my craft, to fix everything, to put together a perfect narrative, inasmuch as I am capable of. I know my fears are unfounded; I have yet to have a single partner tell me I'm not a good writer. Perhaps a bit excessively flowery, but not bad. In fact, I have had a few go to great lengths to praise me for what I write, even though most of the time, all I see are the flaws. How I could have described something better. How I could have turned the scene. Tiny errors here and there that I missed. Continuity issues. Flow. Minute grammatical errors, typos, missed punctuation.

It happens. But, in my mind, it shouldn't happen to me. In my mind, I should be above all of that, but alas, I am but a human. A mere hobbyist. I am not above anything, not even tiny errors that I somehow missed.

Time has been unkind to me, starting in, incidentally, 2011; ever since then, a decade later, I've been trying to heal the hurt, stitch the wounds I received primarily in the spring and summer of that fateful year and well into winter of 2013, all while getting dragged in the mud, caking it into my wounds and cut by stones, knocked to my knees and repeatedly skinning them ever since.

2020, ironically, was "my year". Springtime and into summer, to be specific, was when things finally turned in my favor. While the world fell apart, while hundreds of thousands sickened and died, while the economy crumbled, I finally rose from the ashes of nine years of instability and displacement like a phoenix, born anew.

For the first time ever, even going back to my infancy, I have a stable home. I have my family around me and supporting me, family I feared I had burned bridges with when I was too unwell to understand that they wanted the best for me, but did not know how to help me anymore. I do not fault them, not now. At the time, though, I was too blinded by my pain to see it from their perspective.

But being out of constant crisis for the first time in ten years has not been without its issues. After a lifetime of constant struggle, I do not know how to handle peace. I have known very little softness, very little kindness, in all of my life, and even now, I do not know how to relax. Learning to let go is like learning how to breathe again. Like learning how to walk again after a terrible accident. I've spent so much time preparing for the next crisis, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, that I am suspicious of peacetime. I have no reason to fear, and I know this. I am due to be wed this winter, possibly as early as December. I am loved and supported. My home is clean, there's food in my pantry and my refrigerator. I have a bed to sleep in, the lights are on, I have heating and AC for the first time in many years. I have all I ever wanted- or, at least, grew to desire when my original, loftier ambitions died. But still...

Ever since I was small, my pain has sustained me. I forged it into armor, my writing hand my weapon of choice. I wrote incessantly, on any paper I could find; words that spoke when I could not, of things too terrible to bear, too horrible to vocalize. Writing has been my outlet for over 20 years, a voiceless scream into the void, an indignant, silent cry.

When I lost it in 2012, I thought I would die. The pain had gone too deep, and I could not write, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many stanzas I feverishly scribbled and then, dissatisfied, crossed out, in my notebook, now long gone. Words were insufficient to describe what had happened... until I felt nothing at all. Everything wiped away by a chemical lobotomy and bad coping methods.

Two years, blank. Two years, adrift, unfeeling, only occasionally attempting to post through the fog, and even then, it rang hollow. Looking back at those times- as I do have the records, posts still there on a dying forum, on dead threads, with long-gone partners- is like gazing into a looking glass and finding something too ugly to bear reflected in the depths.

Which brings me to BMR. My return in October of this year after my hiatus revived me in a way little has. Yes, I have been on that dying forum still, as I have been since I was 13 years old. I am still there in a very limited capacity, but I have come to find this place as my new home, a renewal of my muse.

I have been reborn in the pale light of the blue moon.

But BMR, as we know, does not come without its own issues. Ghosting and the like. People getting too close for comfort. People misunderstanding that I'm not necessarily here just for the porn. Yes, smut happens in every single RP I am in, with only a couple outliers in which it never got that far. Yes, I do list kinks because hey, if I figure I'm gonna write smut, why not enjoy it? And in any case, a lot of care goes into crafting my characters. Some kinks suit them specifically, some of them are for my own enjoyment. I suppose, in each character I create, there is a little spark of me. A drop of my vital essence. But that is likely inevitable when I put so much heart into what I do, so much care in every single story I craft.

Which leads me to the crux of this post, trite as it is, and as unread as it will go (not that I particularly mind). When I returned from my hiatus, I was often very, very hurt by perceived snubs in the form of ghostings, in messages I sent to people who deemed me not even worthy of a response to say "no thanks". I took it very, very personally, being as sensitive as I am about my writing. But as of late, I've... Grown, I believe. I am more understanding of these perceived "slights", such as they are. I see things from a different point of view.

Honestly, I don't know what is to blame for this shift in perspective. Is it because of praise recently heaped upon me? Is it because I'm secure in the partners I do have, and have such rapport with pretty much all of them? Is it because I'm so happy with all of my stories that additional plots never going anywhere, or people never bothering to reply to me when I express interest (very rarely, as until recently I had made a rule for myself not to engage others for fear of rejection)?

I have no idea. But I'm happy with it.

No queue update today; don't feel like it.

 

[Cantarella]

Little update on one of my solo projects because I am dying to tell everyone, I'm so proud:

So, I shared the preview in one of my servers, and it went over very well! So I shared it to my writing blog, and you are not gonna believe this, BMR:

ONE OF MY FAVORITE FIC WRITERS LIKED IT, REBLOGGED IT, AND COMMENTED! She praised it and tagged it as suggested reading, and now I guess I absolutely have to finish it! I have a little team of cheerleaders, cheering me on, telling me I'm a good writer, and I am so chuffed. Absolutely verklempt. In tatters, a mess, you name it. Like I said before, I'm always really judgmental of my own work, and to have praise from someone I look up to just...

I can't even describe the pride I feel. Maybe I am close to before. Before everything went to shit and I lost my ability to write well for two years. Well... I could hope, anyway.

Anyway, new queue!

Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Birth of the New Gods
A Gift from the Depths
Our Hearts Agape
The Overlord's Will (will be chipping away at this here and there)
On the Edge of the World (might take a little extra time on this- doozy of a post incoming, one I promised I'd share with the server, so I wanna make it good!)
In the Crow's Embrace
The Wolf and the Viper

Also, 4 OOC posts.

 

[Cantarella]

I'm still here! I'm very slow at present, but still chipping. Thank you all for being so patient with me. I really have the most amazing partners I could ask for- everyone has been so patient and gentle and understanding with me, and I couldn't be happier. I swear, I apologize here more than anything else, probably even more than updating this queue, but y'all know how it is, that guilt and all.

It's funny- I like to think I offer a lot of grace to my partners, but I can't seem to allow myself the same. I wonder why that is?

Anyway, new queue, new queue, you can yell at me all you want for barely making progress, but some is better than none, right?

The Overlord's Will (priority numero uno)
On the Edge of the World (I think I've got one more reply before the big scene- shouldn't take me too terribly long, might knock this out before anything else)
In the Crow's Embrace
There Is No Escape
One Small Favor
Home Alone No More~
Under the Triple Suns
Meeting Alex
Our Hearts Agape
The Wolf and the Viper
Isabella's Game
Enchanter Squadron (second priority- will chip at this here and there, might be a doozy)

 

[Cantarella]

She would have been 17 years old today, had she not died in the accident with her brother on July 22nd, 2011.
I have so much to say, but even after all this time, no words are sufficient. I've been sitting on this page for hours, writing and then deleting ad nauseum.
So much to say, and none of it is enough to convey it satisfactorily.
Just this once, words fail me. Because there comes a point where it's just too much, and words fail to encapsulate the scope of loss. Of grief.

May 6th, 2011.
July 22, 2011.
September 27, 2011.
February 20th, 2012.
April 2012.
December 9, 2013.

But there is also October 10th, 2013, and September 6th, 2014. Little spots of sunlight in an otherwise ceaselessly dark decade.
I'll be fine- just deeply self-reflective. The memories are hard to cope with, but I have help.

The queue is largely unchanged; I'll list it anyway.

The Overlord's Will (almost done)
There Is No Escape
One Small Favor
Meeting Alex
Our Hearts Agape
Isabella's Game
Enchanter Squadron
On the Edge of the World (big post incoming)
A Court of Vipers (will be doing paragraphs piecemeal- doubtful I'll be able to do it all in a single sitting)
The Wolf and the Viper

 

[Cantarella]

I don't believe I've done a single post since Friday. I apologize for that- I know I'm overdue on a lot of things. My brain simply isn't cooperating with me at the mo. I might attempt to do a little bit here and there today, but I'm still really hazy and out of it. Posts will probably not be done in order, as I'm going to be chipping at my owed posts here and there. Paragraph by paragraph.

Thank you for your patience. If you have any concerns or questions, I'll be around for OOC and Discord, for those of you who have me there.

 

[Cantarella]

My brain appears to be chugging along again! I have gotten a few things done, and I have my newest queue here before I retire to bed for the night:

Enchanter Squadron (first priority above all else!)
Isabella's Game
On the Edge of the World
A Court of Vipers (second priority)
The Wolf and the Viper
A Gift from the Depths
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
In the Crow's Embrace
There Is No Escape
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Our Hearts Agape
Mt. Ares starter (third priority)

 

[Cantarella]

Managed two from my queue. May or may not do any tonight, as I wasn't home for a good chunk of the day, and game has begun. I'm just writing here real quick before I hop into the channel to report that all is well.

See you after game!

UPDATE:
Posts shall come out (hopefully) on Sunday, my muse willing. I'll probably hop all around my queue, taking out smaller things first and working on bigger, more detailed ones in chunks. Don't be alarmed; I will be getting to each of you with priority given to those who came first. Since some take more brainpower than others, there might be more of a delay on them than the others. See above for prioritization. List is largely the same, with a couple new posts having since arrived and some done on my end.

 

[Cantarella]

Saturday game went exceptionally well! I did, however, make a big boo-boo. As it turned out, I'd been playing my character wrong for 3 whole levels. Oops! So I ended up spending a good chunk of the session fixing everything, and I'm sure there's still stuff I'm missing, but the important thing is that I fixed my attack output, my evolutions, and my stats. I do a lot more damage than I thought I was capable of, and since we leveled up again, I might be on the right track. I'll have my DM clarify a couple other things.

Bless the man, he's been so patient with me. Make no mistake, I am a bit of an idiot, and do screw up, and screw up often. But hey, it's a learning experience, right? So, here's to Nut, and here's to a remade Morph!

I do have an unfortunate thing to report though, that being that I didn't do a single post yesterday. I got distracted by a video game. Happens to us all. I did a couple so far today though, and I'll put my newest queue here!

Isabella's Game
On the Edge of the World
A Court of Vipers (priority one)
In the Crow's Embrace
There Is No Escape
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
The Overlord's Will
Our Hearts Agape
One Small Favor
Mt. Ares starter (priority two)
The Wolf and the Viper

I'm going to retire for the next few hours to do my chores, run my errands, and perhaps game a bit more. I shall return later.

 

[Cantarella]

Apologies for being out most of this week. My grandmother (and former foster mother, but that's too personal for here) fell while visiting her neighbor and broke her arm to bits- on the one year anniversary of my grandfather passing away, of all days. She had a minor heart attack while waiting for the blood thinners she takes to clear her system, which delayed the procedure until this afternoon. Luckily the heart attack was very minor, but it still threw a wrench into the plans. Surgery went well- she is now sporting a plate and some screws in the bottom of her humerus, above her elbow. I would have visited her this afternoon as I did the day after her injury, but I haven't been well either this week and would have been of no help to anyone in the state I found myself in.

I apologize for my silence over the past, oh, five days or so, but I've just not been in the headspace to write, I've been so worried sick on her behalf. I will see if I can go visit her tomorrow, or maybe the day after, depending on her comfort levels and how coherent she is. She was miserable on the 16th, and her dementia was really rearing its head. I want to blame the medication for that, but honestly... I don't know if that's to blame.

She's getting old, as am I. And that's a lot to grapple with.

Anyway, my newest queue is as follows, in order of arrival, but I shall not be releasing them in this order, rather prioritizing as noted:

Isabella's Game
On the Edge of the World
A Court of Vipers (takes priority still)
There is no Escape
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
One Small Favor (to be done before Isabella's Game, by request)
The Wolf and the Viper
In the Crow's Embrace
S. S. Oceanus starter (priority two)
The Overlord's Will
Meeting Alex dialogue
Home Alone No More~

 

[Cantarella]

Father Norbert came from the parish to administer the Last Rites yesterday.

I've never been Catholic in my life, but to see it... Somewhere between a comfort and a familiar agony, but one still unbearable. Like someone had my lungs in a vice, a knife in my gut. I know this feeling. I know it all too well, but every time, I fail in pushing it down to a minor discomfort.

I didn't know I still had this many tears to cry. Not after everything.

I don't know what's worse: all of the unexpected deaths that have blindsided me over the past decade, or to see it unfold in real time. The rapid decompensation when the bipap was removed, the shrill noise of the 02 monitor and watching the numbers tick down. Green, yellow, then red, blinking. Her gasps, her eyes going hazy as the saturation drops, drops, drops. The blood around her IV. The twisting and grimacing in pain, followed by such stillness. The fearful grasping at my hand. Her grey eyes, misty, the confused murmurings from behind the mask that I had to lean close to hear, but still can't make sense of.

Putting socks on the woman who was my mother for a decade. Putting them on her cold, blue feet, rolling up the fabric the same way she did and smoothing it up over her ankles. Except these were grippy yellow hospital socks, not my ankle-high baby socks with the lace at the top.

Painting her nails for her, her favorite color, a color that forms some of my earliest memories.

Dimly-lit rooms with the curtains drawn, hazy with smoke, Days of our Lives and Touched by an Angel on the wood-paneled TV. A Marlboro Light between her fingers, meticulous blood red acrylics, to be snuffed out in her favorite ash tray. Green bottles of Excedrin on the nightstand.

Her, singing me awake every morning, her rich alto.
"Good morning to you. Good morning to you, good morning dear [REDACTED], good morning to you!"

Dancing to Michael Jackson while we cleaned the apartment. And that one song I liked so much, wanted it on repeat all the time.

Now... Nothing but memories, and ones overshadowed by the nurse removing the mask so Father Norbert could place the communion wafer on her tongue, anointing her with something in a little silver cylinder. Placing his hand on her head.

Her hair used to be such a vibrant red, and now it's gone brassy with age.

The murmurs of the Lord's prayer.

Did she remember it on her own, or did the priest guide her?

I will never know; dementia doesn't discriminate. Some things remain. Like the toes game, the one she was so excited a few months ago that I remembered.

All of that's gone. All that remains was my mother crossing herself, muffling her cries, running her hand through my hair as I twisted to face the wall so no one could see the tears.

Sister, her face gone red, lips thinned as she, too, fought down the grief.

The nurses gathered, heads bowed after we were allowed inside again once confession was completed.

I left. I took her hand and I told her what we told each other every night before bed:

"I love you, round and round the moon and back, forever and ever."

I don't know, but I think I saw a spark of recognition there. Maybe even a smile.

And now, the waiting. The waiting is the worst part, the anticipation of either a miraculous turnaround, or for the end.

I remember what she wanted. She told not just me, but also SIL, when I was gone. Her wishes are known, recorded. She's as comfortable as she can be, I suppose, all things considered. All of her affairs are in order.

But is death really about the decedent, or those left behind in the wake of such a loss?

And what is grief, but love persevering?

I'm so sorry I've still not done any posts lately. I'm really not in a good place right now... I'm losing my mother, and I'm not coping well. It's funny, really, how you think you can prepare for this, you plan for it, you think of every possibility, you get the paperwork done, and when it happens, it still hits you like a train.

It feels like I can't breathe, like the breath has been torn from me. And I have to continue my life in the meantime. It's what she would have wanted. And it was a lesson my father was all too keen on reminding me of when the kids drowned.

Life doesn't stop because I'm sad.

But god if I didn't wish it would.

 

[Cantarella]

On 6/29/2021 at 3:59CST, she looked at my mother one final time and breathed her last.

She's gone.

 

[Cantarella]

We laid her to rest yesterday morning.

The pain is no longer quite as sharp and constant. What remains is anger, bewilderment, and occasional floods of memories. I'm not quite to the point yet where they don't hurt more than they help. But maybe someday I'll learn to smile again.

In this family, we tattoo when someone is lost. I'm planning mine; maybe when it's done, I'll show it.

Maybe.

Those of you who came forward to offer condolences during this time, thank you. I don't think I should be out for too much longer, but grief... kind of goes in cycles, and in all sorts of directions. I'm not putting a timeline on myself until I'm sure I can tolerate it, but I will be doing posts here and there. Very slowly, and in bits and pieces. Fits and starts. Just don't pressure me. Things will come when they come. If that's too much for some of you, you can drop. I won't blame you for doing so.

You've all been wonderful to me during these difficult times, and I can't thank you enough for both your patience and your kindness while I go through what might be the hardest loss I've had to cope with yet. Without a shadow of a doubt, this has traumatized me pretty damned well. And all the lovely things that come along with trauma have been going on at the moment, as they typically do in the wake of these things. The nightmares, the panic attacks, the hypervigilance, the agitation, the guilt, the crying spells.

As if I didn't already have enough going on, right?

It's the silence now. No one needs me anymore. I can silence my phone again, as it always had been. I don't have to keep vigil anymore. I don't have to wait for news. I don't have to be ready to dash to the hospital, to the cathedral, to anyone's house at zero notice.

I can grieve quietly, away from everyone. Heal the wounds the best I can. The best ways I know how. It's a different sort of sadness now. Everything's being taken care of, there's wilted lilies and white chrysanthemums in my kitchen that my sister in law insisted that I take from the service. My older brother- also raised by her- has been taking care of her belongings, deciding what to do with her cats. Divvying out checks and sifting through pictures, mementos from Zambia, from England, from the Cayman Islands, from San Diego.

A lifetime. Her lifetime, though she's not here. All we have left were verbal instructions told to both me and SIL.

But no one listens to me anymore. Haven't in years.

Canta, different, unhinged Canta, dark-haired, swarthy-skinned, too-tall Canta in a family exclusively made up of petite, sturdy gingers and blondes who can't tan.

Canta, the outsider. Canta, the foreigner. Canta, not quite of this family, but not quite of the paternal line, either. Canta, who hid inside for years so her skin wouldn't get "too dark" but is the butt of jokes anyway for her differences.

Canta, too gentle, too meek, scared of her own shadow.

Canta, lost in her books, in her notepads, in hard data, numbers and research and fantastical worlds both. Maps and language and color and song and prose and anatomical structures and all the world seen and unseen, anything solid to grip on to. Canta and her need to know all things, even as trivial as they might have seemed.

Canta, whose years of accumulating anything she could learn failed in the face of inevitability. When numbers were no longer a comfort, but a terror. A sure sign of what was to come. Canta, who faltered and panicked when it was right in her face.

Canta, who could have been more. Who should have been more, but whose dreams died with the diagnosis. Whose parents' lofty aspirations for at least one child to rise above were dashed as well. Whose dreams had to shift to the younger children instead, fingers crossed for something to be proud of.

No one expects anything of me anymore. No one listens. No one hears. It's a nod and a "have you taken your meds?" or worse, the silence. I never would have guessed all agency to be stripped, all things about me taken to be a symptom, my personality no longer whimsical and eccentric, but something to medicate away. Any uptick in aggression, more of this. Sleeping too much? Less of that. Smiling a bit too much? Oh, must be mania. Fanciful thoughts? Must be delusions, keep an eye on her.

I'm sick of it. Sick of being an afterthought. A footnote. Medicalized just for being who I am. The drugs don't work anyway, why bother with it? If I'm meant to be this way, if my brain has formed with an excess of dopamine, why not leave it alone?

 

[Cantarella]

I am here-ish. I've been doing posts here and there where I've been able to.

Updated queue, probably out of order because I've been out of commission for so long but dammit I tried:

On The Edge of the World
The Overlord's Will
S. S Oceanus starter (first priority)
Home Alone No More~
A Gift From the Depths
Our Hearts Agape
Meeting Alex dialogue
There Is No Escape
Discord post for G
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
The Wolf and the Viper
Mt. Ares
One Small Favor

 

[Cantarella]

Might be a bit scarce this week. Nothing depressing or dramatic, I assure you, just going to be with family a lot, watching the nieces and helping my brother and his family move house.

 

[Cantarella]

I've barely been around lately, I'm sorry for that! But that little lung bug ya girl thought she had turned out to be something much worse. So I'm at home, in bed, convalescing with a triple whammy of bronchitis, pneumonia, and an asthma flare. Leave it to me to be unable to do anything in a way that isn't dramatic, ha!

I've got me some painkillers, some antibiotics, and a heaping dose of steroids, and should be up and about within 3-7 days. Not business days- thought I'd make that distinction now. I'm talkin' this weekend at the earliest.

In the meantime, I'm just gonna be chillin', eating loads of homemade soup, and sleeping when I'm comfortable enough to. It's a bit difficult for me to be sitting upright, so any messages sent will probably be replied to on mobile, and my phone is a meanie that likes to autocorrect me. Please excuse any errors.

See ya on the other side!

 

[Cantarella]

Got a bit done while I've been lying in bed. Seeing as how I haven't updated my queue in a long time, here's what I've got on the burner:

S. S Oceanus (backburner, as MAYDAY is on a wee break)
Our Hearts Agape
There Is No Escape
Discord post for G (no hurry, since she's on hiatus from writing)
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Mt. Ares (same as S. S Oceanus)
One Small Favor
In The Crow's Embrace
Darkness' Embrace
Ad Astra
Into Each Life... (revived!)
The Limits of Blood and Trust
On the Edge of the World
Court of Vipers
The Wolf and the Viper

 

[Cantarella]

Weewoo, almost Saturday again. And I have returned for another update to my queue. Also to announce that I revamped my RT, added two prompts, removed one, rearranged my one-shots, added fandoms and removed pairings already taken as well as made it (hopefully) easier on the eyes, but have decided against bumping it for now, not until I have all my stuff caught up. If I continue at this pace, and replies remain as slow as they've been, that might be relatively soon. Keep an eye out, the elusive Canta may have a space open for something new soon!

As before, I will be listing posts in order of due date, with annotations made for things that aren't currently taking priority due to a lull.

On hold:
S. S. Oceanus (might be able to hold off until August until the group picks back up)
Mt. Ares (^^^)
Discord post for G

Due in order of arrival:
One Small Favor
In The Crow's Embrace
Darkness' Embrace
Ad Astra
Into Each Life...
On the Edge of the World
Court of Vipers
The Wolf and the Viper
Unlikely Partnership...

Also, I come bearing a song. One that's been on repeat for me ever since I heard it. I'm linking the version without what feels like a homily in the middle of it. It loses a bit of its context, but I find it's just as raw without.

This song has come to mean a lot to me, for reasons I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about yet. I'm still in a really weird place following the loss of the woman who raised me and becoming seriously sick myself with the same infection that took her from us. Grief is kind of a motherfucker like that, I'm not going to lie. Losing her has taken a beating to my already fragile mental health, and now, in the quiet, being able to sit quietly, alone, to process it has not been easy.



Don't worry about me, BMR. I'll get through this, as I've gotten through everything else. I'm just going to immerse myself in my craft in the interim.