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๐•ฌ ๐•ฝ๐–”๐–˜๐–Š ๐–”๐–‹ ๐•ธ๐–†๐–ž | Potentially NSFW, comments welcome

Status:

Managed to stay awake a little more today. Recovered well from my little anxiety attack, and I managed to get more posts out today! With any luck, I should be completely caught up within the next couple days. That is, should I not get swamped again. Keep 'em coming, friends! I LIVE for this sort of thing!

Done today:
Tu-Fira
Defiant in the Scope
Darkness' Embrace
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell

Owed (in no order):
Discord post for G
Discord post for Ara
Dialogue for Meeting Alex
Behold the Mistress of Skyhold!
Good Riddance
Untitled PM
The Vampire Queen
The Wolf and the Viper
The Journey to Mount Calidar
Isabella's Game
A Gift from the Depths
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden

Nuked:
My Gorgeous Goblin Girlfriend
 
Done today:

Good Riddance
The Wolf and the Viper
 
May or may not have very many posts today. Stay tuned for perhaps an update later in the evening. The server change is tomorrow, and I don't expect BMR to be back up until Sunday morning at the earliest. Bear with me, folks!
 
Update before the switch:

Two done today! Better than I had expected, but still got a few more until I'm caught up.
 
Wasn't feeling well this afternoon. No posts were made.
 
Had the morbs something fierce today; no posts. Will attempt again tomorrow, given I'm feeling okay by then. I seem to spend more days off than I do "on", whatever "on" means anymore.

I'm trying, truly, and I hate to let people down, make them wait as long as I've needed to fix this mess that I am, but... things just don't work that way. Can't force it anymore, can't pretend.

I would understand completely if y'all start dropping me; it's what I deserve for getting hopes up with a story I don't update but every week, sometimes less for some of you.

For the rest of you who have been patient and understanding... you're all godsends. Thank you for standing with me while I wade through whatever funk I've found myself in, for the umpteenth time.

I... didn't mean to let this much slip, truly. I've tried to keep this solely as a tracker, but I guess it's better to "talk" about it, even though it'll go unread by, well... pretty much everyone. But, truth be told, I am trying. It's my instinctual need to continuously have new content, fresh stories and scenes, for each of my partners. But right now, some of the roles are harder to fill than others. I can't be an indestructible super domme when I feel like a terrified child again. But give me time, and I will be able to once more.

Anyway... I'd better leave that here, with verses and a song. Not verses from the same song, but lyrics written by the same man.


Lose it all at the end of the race
Everything you love will soon return to the place
I dreamt of your hand clasped in mine
Walking thru the ashes of all time
I said "I love you"
Then you died

Sorrows deeper than the ocean
Fills the rivers and the seas
Joy's as empty as a bottle
At least when sheโ€™s been through with me
And Iโ€™m calling from the well
A broken man with time to kill
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?


 
Notice of sabbatical and thanks
Was not able to push myself into any posts today or yesterday. My muse is there, but I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts. I'd much rather wait until I can make more sense of my thoughts and pull together all the plot points in each post, the descriptions I have always excelled at doing, rather than force posts just for the sake of getting them out. I don't think it'll be any more than a few more days until I can get my head on straight, barring any further hiccups. But in the meantime, I'll set the timeline on posts to next week.

I'd also like to take this time to thank those of you who came forward and checked on me while I was down. I'll respect y'all's privacy and not publicly tag you- wouldn't want to cause any sort of embarrassment, even though it was a good deed you all did for me. All four or five of you. And thank you for being so understanding in the interim, my reasoning for holding off on my posts for now. The level of quality just wouldn't be up to snuff and I can't do that. Not to myself, not to any of you. It would be a disservice.

I'll cut it off here, with a quote:

โ€œItโ€™s the duty of artists to go into the darkness and bring something back thatโ€™s tangible for people to heal themselves with.โ€

Also, a song. Yes, it's more Benjamin Tod. But boy if he isn't speaking to my soul these days.

 
Very, very slowly dipping my toes back in for preparation for next week. I did manage a post yesterday, but nothing today. Got distracted and wandered away from it and now there's no way it's getting done this morning. Maybe this afternoon?

In other news, I think I may have figured out why I was so moody. If I'm right, I'll be completely better sometime late next week.

Timeline for a complete return to my posts shall be tomorrow or Monday.

I have also dropped one of my projects, and may drop another one as well. I'm gonna give it another post or two until I decide.
 
One post done a few hours ago. Probably won't manage a second one before I get to bed.

Woke up a little later than I would have liked to today, and... immediately received some bad news. I'll be alright, but at the time, didn't handle it well. I should have gotten more posts done, but it wasn't doable. I managed to pull myself together by the late evening and early morning, but it seriously cut into my process and progress with getting some of these posts done.

Barring developing The Big Sad tomorrow (and yes, it isn't tomorrow until I go to bed and then wake up again) I should be getting to each of you in the order in which your posts were received. Bear with me!
 
Canta's grand return!
I'm feeling much, much better today, thanks in no small part to all of you, my wonderful and understanding partners. You've each been a godsend to me in these difficult times, and I can't thank you enough!

I am proud to announce that I am back in full swing, and have completed four (count them, FOUR!) posts today! I am working through my backlog at a pretty damned good speed, if I say so myself! I am a day late on my grand return from my little hiatus, but BMR being down during my usual writing hours prevented me from getting any done. I've more than made up for it in the meantime, though!

Anyway, here's what I owe, in this order:
Dialogue for Meeting Alex
Our Hearts Agape
Discord post for G
Diacord post for V
Discord post for A
Samsara's End
Darkness' Embrace
Untitled PM
The Wolf and the Viper
A Gift from the Depths
Offsite post for Serek
Taken by a Warrior
Birth of the New Gods
Isabella's Game

And completed today:
Isabella's Game
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
There Is No Escape

I think I'll cut it off there. Four posts is really, really good, considering I was averaging two or three a day before I went on my little break. I don't want to burn out too quickly, after all! On top of that, my DM has been nagging me to write this background for my new DnD 3.5 character, and I'd better get it done sometime soon before he gets annoyed at my lack of progress.

Anyway, here, have something that has never once failed to make me chuckle.
 
Did not get any posts done yesterday. I spent it working on the background for my new DnD character and laid out from nausea when not writing it. I did, however, make excellent progress on my posts again today! They are as follows:

Received:
Tu-Fira
Good Riddance
On the Edge of the World (new!)
Way of the Cat
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
If He Dies, He Dies (it lives!)

Posts completed today:
Dialogue for Meeting Alex
Our Hearts Agape
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G
Discord post for V
Discord post for A

Might even have more done this evening. I will edit this space if I manage any more before bedtime.

Posts due:
Samsara's End
Darkness' Embrace
Untitled PM
A Gift from the Depths
Taken by a Warrior
Isabella's Game
There Is No Escape

And the newly received ones!
 
Due, in order of receipt:
A Gift from the Depths
Taken by a Warrior
Birth of the New Gods
There Is No Escape
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
If He Dies, He Dies
Good Riddance
Tu-Fira
On The Edge of the World
My post for Meeting Alex, to be sent and for N to insert dialogue
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G

Done today:
Samsara's End
Darkness' Embrace
The Way of the Cat
Untitled PM

It's Saturday again, which means that I might not get as many posts done today due to the game. I am, however, pleased to announce that I've finished up all of the posts I owed from late January, before I took my break.


I'd also like to take this time to commemorate the life of a friend I had during a very hard part of my life. Today marks the seventh anniversary of the recovery of her body, and I have to admit, I'm hurting tonight. I have so, so much I want to say, but I don't want to overshare. Not to whoever wanders into the meandering mess that is this journal. I don't want to burden anyone with my grief. I've lost many, many friends and family members over the past decade, and from time to time, the weight of it paralyzes me.
Grief, as it turns out, is a fucking bitch. It comes in waves after the initial gut-punch, and it always comes at weird times. Always, little reminders, and I find myself gasping, teary-eyed and choked up.
But oh, that friend... The last time I saw her, she was angelic. Lucid. She told me I was beautiful. And then she was gone.
I wore something borrowed from another friend (also gone now- passed away in 2018, at the age of 39) and I went to her funeral with another of the residents. I remember crossing the tiny chapel, the last refrains of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" still playing. I bent close, and I whispered to her casket, "To the stars, my friend."
I only wish she could have been alive to watch me grow and heal from the very reason I was in the same place as her, with dozens of other residents.
To have watched me pack up and leave months later, with a heart full of hope and love.
To turn my back on that place, its abuses, all the death and dying and disappearing and suffering, and never look back.

Sail on, silver girl.
Guide your craft through the cosmos.
And I will be here, waiting until the time comes to see you again.
In the meantime, I will remember you.
 
Happy V-Day!
Only one post done today, as I thought. Saturdays really aren't a good day for posting for me on account of the campaign. I am happy to report that the session went quite well today, and my cute little penguin melted the boss! This is his first major kill, and I couldn't be prouder of the little tyke. Also, this appears to be the last session before the beginning of the new campaign- the one with my half-drow wilder psion. We'll be alternating between the two from here on out, if I remember correctly what my DM said. Yes- I'm playing female again, and I'm sure my fellow players appreciate that, as one of them frequently forgets that Nut (pronounced "noot"- there's an umlaut in there, but my computer can't make that symbol unless I download a language pack, and that's too much effort just for one little penguin who wouldn't care anyway) is very much a male. His symbiote is female, but he's male. I guess that's the price I pay for being the only female player, huh? You get put in a bit of a box.

Anyway, enough about that, and back to the topic at hand! I have only two more PMs that are over 10 days old, and then I'll be caught up enough to be only a week or less out. It took me a little less than a week to get caught up on the posts I left hanging when I went on my little break.
I have no plans for today- Valentine's Day. I'm not single by any means- yes, I know, shocker- but we aren't so fragile that we require great, sweeping shows of romance. I'm never one to turn down a date, of course, but I figure, we've been together nearly eight years. Ten if you count our earlier dalliances. I'm secure in that I am cherished, and I need no grand show. The fact that he's stayed with me all these years, even when I was in a very dark place and not very loveable, speaks volumes.

That said? I'd still like to try the sushi place down the street from my apartment. My mother says it's really good, and even though her palate for quality has diminished over the years since she's lived here, in a landlocked, almost entirely homogenously Anglo area up in the Ozarks, I trust her.

Interesting how that works, isn't it? Spend over a decade rebelling, thinking you know better than your parents, even doing as I did and completely cutting myself off from them for years. But when tragedy struck, when my heart was broken, when I had nowhere else to go, it was always my mother I called first. It was her that opened her home to me again when I had to leave the state in search of a more affordable place to live in the wake of COVID. I was alone in that state anyway, with my father relocating to Arizona- now I'm back with my maternal side of the family within a 30 minute drive. I finally get to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews deserve. There's a comfort in that.

Okay, so enough meandering! Time for the tracker portion of this li'l thing.

Done today:
A Gift From the Depths

Due, in order of receipt:
Taken by a Warrior- 10 days out
Birth of the New Gods- 9 days out
Isabella's Game- 5 days out
There Is No Escape- 4 days out
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden- 4 days out
If He Dies, He Dies- 4 days out
Good Riddance- 3 days out
Tu-Fira- 3 days out
On The Edge of the World- 3 days out
My portion for Meeting Alex- 2 days out, but may be another couple days until his portion comes through
The Wolf and the Viper- 2 days out
Discord post for G- 2 days out
Our Hearts Agape- 1 day out
Darkness' Embrace- 1 day out

Off-site posts are on hiatus at the moment, unless Peach invites me back to play. I still owe her one, but since she was out for a dinner party this evening, it gives me more time to put something forth for her. I'm not in any rush whatsoever.

I'm not sure if I'll manage any further posts this evening, but I'll certainly have more coming this afternoon, evening, and well into the night and early morning, as per my usual.
 
Did not update this last night. Lost someone else that I knew and was close to- I have nothing more to say about it beyond that I'm numb. I don't even particularly feel sad. Just... weirdly hollow and drained of energy. Four from that place in just a few years, and it fucking sucks. She was only 35.

Yesterday's posts:
Taken by a Warrior
Birth of the New Gods
Isabella's Game

Finished so far this evening:
There Is No Escape

Up next on the docket, prioritized by date of arrival:
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden (might finish this evening; the night is still young)
If He Dies, He Dies
Good Riddance
Tu-Fira
On The Edge of the World
My portion for Meeting Alex
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell

I guess that's it for now. I'm just gonna bundle myself up for now, try to stay warm. It's absolutely frigid, and my heater can't seem to keep up with keeping the apartment at a reasonable temperature.
 
Completed this evening:
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
If He Dies, He Dies
(potentially more incoming- I'm cold and sleepy and full and might have a nap for about an hour before I continue)

Up next:
Good Riddance
Tu-Fira
On The Edge of the World
My portion for Meeting Alex
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
There Is No Escape
A Gift from the Depths (arrived this morning)
Taken by a Warrior (arrived this morning)
 
Slowing down again; I'm sorry. Been dealing with a ton of grief. Posts are coming, just slowly as I go down my list. Thank you for being patient with me while I work through everything. The words are there; I just need to find a way to make them make sense. Pain has a way of igniting my mind in a way that little else does, but it also causes those thoughts to come out disjointed. I spend as much time trying to sort them into coherency as I do writing them. Bear with me- I'm trying.

Done so far:
Good Riddance
Tu-Fira
On The Edge of the World
My portion for Meeting Alex

Up next:
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
There Is No Escape
A Gift From the Depths
Taken by a Warrior
Untitled PM
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Samsara's End

Dropped (again):
Vampire Queen
 
It's game night again, ladies and gents! Meaning posts will slow down later in the evening until early morning. It's Session Zero for the newest campaign, and I'll need to be sharp again. I'll do my best to get a few done in the afternoon through evening until game starts at 9 and lasts until... maybe 1 or 2 AM, I'm not sure yet. I don't think I've ever done a designated Session Zero, so I'm not entirely sure what to expect. I hopped into the last homebrew mid-campaign to fill the hole left by the old tank.

In any case, I made good headway today! I got several posts done, and am getting pretty close to caught up. Here's today's tracker.

Done today:
The Way of the Cat
The Wolf and the Viper
Discord post for G
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
There Is No Escape

Up next:
Taken by a Warrior
A Gift From the Depths
Untitled PM
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
Samsara's End
Isabella's Game (arrived yesterday morning)
On The Edge of the World (arrived yesterday afternoon)
The Wolf and the Viper (arrived yesterday evening)
There Is No Escape (arrived two hours ago)

I am less than a week out on my oldest posts! Hooray!

Also, I haven't posted a song lately. So here's one that's been stuck in my head. I have like four versions of the same song on my playlist, but I'll just link one of them. I actually used the name Ailein in one of my RPs to reference a character. Maybe it'll be more that inspiration for just a name, if I can iron out details.

 
Session Zero lasted less than an hour, so I had far more time to do my posts today! And I am glad to say I am almost caught up, creeping closer and closer! I managed a lot of posts again today, and man am I on a roll!

Posts completed today (in order):
The Way of the Cat
Taken by a Warrior
A Gift From the Depths
Untitled PM
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden

Up next (also in chronological order):
Samsara's End- may complete before bedtime, but don't quote me on this!
Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Our Hearts Agape
New, untitled (as of now) starter

Momentarily shelved projects:
Dulce puella malum est

Also awaiting the newest starter for my For Honor plot!
 
Lazy day; didn't get much done. Though what I did do, was pretty hefty. One, over a thousand words, the other, approaching that. In other news, I'm all the way into my Friday posts, much better than I was expecting.

Posts done:
Samsara's End
Boons of Olympus (new)

Next:
Isabella's Game
On The Edge of the World
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
 
Haven't been feeling too hot the past couple of days, so posts have been coming out pretty slowly. Sorry about that, y'all! I appear to be on the mend though, so I think I'll be able to start getting them out a little quicker within the next day or two.

Posts I've done since Monday:
Isabella's Game
On the Edge of the World
Boons of Olympus

Up next:
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Discord post for A
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
On The Edge of the World
Taken by a Warrior

Also, one new RP in the planning stages, and I owe a new starter. On top of that, I've rejoined the off-site group RP, and might have something there soon too, but there's no rush on that at all.

Chag Purim sameach! I have no wine, nor kreplach, nor hamentaschen, but I'll be jovial in spirit.
 
And another game in the bag! Session One went swimmingly, and I already adore the party. But because of that, not many posts made today.

Posts made since my last update (in no order):
Discord post for A
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
Our Hearts Agape
Darkness' Embrace
Discord post for A
Metal Gear Solid: Chapter Raiden
On The Edge of the World
The Boons of Olympus
The Shogun's Peace (new)

Up next (also not in exact order):
Taken by a Warrior
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Isabella's Game
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
On The Edge of the World
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace (new)
Darkness' Embrace
Untitled starter
 
I'm still here! Just been lurking for the past few days. I haven't really done posts this week, but will hopefully get back on that throughout the week and weekend, with maybe the exception of Saturday.

Done so far:
OOC plotting (more to come!)
Some dialogue for Meeting Alex
Taken by a Warrior
The Wolf and the Viper

Next:
Unlikely Partnership Through Hell
Isabella's Game
The Wolf and the Viper
There Is No Escape
On The Edge of the World
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace (new)
Darkness' Embrace
Untitled starter
Untitled PM
Tu-Fira
Meeting Alex
Good Riddance

May do another post this evening to track my progress on these. Stay tuned!
 
Oops, forgot to add that I owe one offsite and one Discord post for A, which arrived this afternoon.
 
Updated update:
Managed Unlikely Partnership Through Hell. Probably won't do any more tonight. Also, in other news, coming up next week, my active hours will change again. More details on that to come.
 
Okay, so I screwed up the order of posts in my list yesterday. I know, I know, I suck, boohoo, Canta needs to go to jail for screwing it all up again, take me to jail and lock me up and throw away the key forever and ever.

Anyway, I managed these today, in no order:
Isabella's Game
There is No Escape
The Shogun's Peace

Upcoming:
The Wolf and the Viper
On The Edge of the World
Our Hearts Agape
In The Crow's Embrace (new)
Darkness' Embrace
Untitled starter
Untitled PM
Tu-Fira
Meeting Alex
Good Riddance
Discord post for A
Off-site post

May or may not have more tonight. Stay tuned.
 
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