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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sometimes its just a matter of how beds are. I remember I had sex on a clean bare mattress once and it killed the mood to find a bed bug.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I suppose. I dunno, he turned down sex to study for an exam before. I kind of gave him the boot after the third excuse and him bailing on me several times when I said we should try going on an actual date. Plus, he's busy a lot and I don't think I can date someone whom I have to ask - repeatedly- for a simple kiss in public because he's that against PDA. I was actually surprised he held my hand on my birthday in public.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Totally gonna kill myself. One of my papers is due on monday - the 3rd and not the 6th like I thought it was.

Yup. Justgonnatotesoffmyself.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

She needs to stop having stupid arguments with me and thinking that she told me things when she hasn't. I don't care what you do, don't assume that you told me when you were on the phone for at least an hour with a friend and probably told her instead.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's odd having asked someone on a date and barely heard any word from them at all. It seems like I have to text first or something to even get a reaction. I know they are busy but some sort of contact first would be nice instead of me feeling like I'm chasing them a little. I dunno. It's just really odd to me and kind of disheartening. I don't expect a slew of texts, just a nice little hello or something. =/

Oh well.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I've been steadily closing myself off from this site, at least on a more personal level I suppose. I've started to close down my feelings and push people back, distancing myself casually. I don't talk as much. I don't message as much. I don't IM as much as I used to do. I guess I'm trying to integrate myself back into 'reality' for all the good it does me. I still write on my tumblr about things that are going on with me, but I've been silencing myself in order to just...I don't really know, let myself be. Let myself just be. I'm trying to find a happiness I've been looking for for quite some time and I've begun to gain confidence steadily. It's a slow rate but it's going. As much as I expect the worse, I don't scoff at the good that comes my way. I appreciate it so much more because it feels so rare. Having people close by- within reach- and interested in me? That means something. I don't know if it's for something so basic as just sexual relations but I'm hoping it's more than just that. I'm willing to risk myself for more than just that - to put myself out there for more than just that.

I want to have fun again. I want to smile more. I want to feel good every day. I want to not criticize my shape or my size or my weight every day. I want to not feel sad more often than not.

So I'm working on it. I'm just working on letting myself be.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Good for you, Hahv. I recently read a Cracked article that I found really inspiring and wanted to share it with you: 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person

Not that you need it but I truly do think the article is really powerful in it's message. You're someone I respect and look up to a lot and I see you trying to make positive changes in your life and I thought I'd just show you something that has affected me for the better, hoping you too can get something good out of it. Good luck on the bright path you're on.

--Quin
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks for that, Quin.

It's kind of like saying if I'm gonna try getting published...then fuck, get published.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Was gifted awesome things this year.

Roommate was given a leather jacket or something and it didn't fit her boyfriend and since it fit me, it's now mine along with a cast iron teapot. <3

American Horror Story Season One is now mine. >:3
32'' flat screen is setup and running.


Now watching Snow White & The Huntsman with the roomie.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Welp, I joined match.com and I'm trying to figure out if I should subscribe for three months or something.

I'd rather be able to choose to subscribe for like a month or a 14 day trial or something like that. Ugh.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Noooooooooo. Try OKcupid. Much better than Match.com. Less creepy people. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Yeah, you have to be careful about who messages you and what not. There are several cues to watch out for that will alert you to creeps.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Good. Any problems and I'll be happy to crush skulls for you. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I honestly joined yesterday....and my okc has been blowing the fuck up.

What is this crap? I'm actually overwhelmed. @_@
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

The Poem You Wrote

You know, I kept it to myself, as if I could hold onto you forever without having to share you. And yet, even as I stare at the words, I know that you've long gone and your words are just remnants of what made you who you are. All I have are remnants and at times I'm sad I never heard your voice and yet at the same time, I'm so glad I never heard it because I fear it would haunt me more deeply than your words do. I still remember the dreams I had for days after I learned of your death: of feeling you holding my hand or touching my cheek. It felt so real that it would wake me up as if someone had touched me. Maybe your soul did to tell me of your sorrows, your regrets, your love, and your goodbye. And now, I think, it's time to share your last words to me, even if they bring tears to my eyes that I don't know if they will stop. It's funny, I hardly ever cry unless you're on my mind. My Drowning Man, I think we've switched places, but I won't let myself drown because I promised you I wouldn't. I won't.


white walls surround me with their bleakness
empty halls echoing in sanatized misery.
a man in white coat comes to poke and prod me
delivering menacing diagnosis
with ambiguous hope.
friends come with their well wishes
their sorry eyes and sad smiles
as if i were on death"s door
even though they all assure me i"m not.
i am untouched by their sympathy.
i am distracted from the cooing worry of the doctor.
i am unphased by the small ripples of pain
echoing the torment that shocked me to the bone.
all i can think of is when i"ll talk to you next
when we will dance across the screens together
hands intertwined filled with words
that reach deeper than we know

Fuck, I miss you. I miss you and all your bullshit. All the fights we got into and our short but sweet reconciliations. Yet I know better. I know that missing you and wanting you and all these tears will change nothing but still I find some solace in my sorrow: What we had, as brief and bitter and sweet and loving as it was, it was real. You don't hurt anymore. I just sometimes wish you could talk to me. That I could seek some advice from you or something. But there is only silence. There are no more words. I have to remember that.
 
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