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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I know why I'm so conflicted about commitment, and I've been churning it over and over for days and weeks now. It's been a really long time since I've had someone physically here to be with, do things with, and be a "couple" with. As much as I see people holding hands and wanting that, I'm also terrified of letting feelings develop. Why?

I have some serious trust issues. I want to trust people, I honestly do, but I have that terrible fear that they'll just walk out on me and never come back [and with good reason I have this fear as it has happened before]. Hurt is something I can deal with. I've been hurt before in many different ways that layered on the scarring cuts that lace and criss-cross over my heart.

I guess, I can say I want someone to be there for me. Someone I can rely on and feel for and know they feel the same, even if they don't want to commit to me on a deeper level. I think I could handle that. And if I wanted more and they didn't? If they could never be ready for it or want it? I'd manage. I don't pressure people into being with me or giving me what they cannot give. I'm not like that. I've been through that and won't subject others to it just because my heart is asking what theirs cannot give me freely.

So I guess it would be...an open relationship? I think that's what I could be looking for. Someone to call mine without the constriction. Without feeling trapped by a label, I think. without feeling jealous or insecure. I think that's what I want. But I also want someone I can explore with, open up to, feel safe with. I mean, I'm terrified of some of the things I want, and to trust someone enough for that? I think I could really grow and gain that confidence I so lack.

So maybe for now, I'd want a play partner who can be a dear friend. I need people I can lean on and have fun with without feeling like I'm alone and no one really cares so long as they get their jollies off. Is that too much? I don't think so.

I just want someone I can trust. And with the friends I have? I think I can find someone who is wonderful enough for that.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm so glad that you are figuring this out, sweetie... and that you have the potential to hopefully explore this on the levels you both want and need. It's never easy to truly figure out what we want. Not even sometimes when we have things or could have things handed to us. So, it's good that you're always questioning and willing to explore and just face the constant evolution of things. I just want you happy and to find those things that will make you that way. That is truly what you deserve. *lots of hugs* <33333
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks, DA. I'm just trying to figure it all out because I do like this guy, but I know that I might not be what he's looking for/might not be exactly what I'm looking for. And I like having the freedom of having play partners, so I'm just trying to figure out what kind of relationship I would want for myself and a potential partner.

It also helps realizing that I'm afraid of commitment again. This has happened before but it didn't take me this long to figure it out.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I got paaaaaid~!

Fucking finally. It's rough waiting three weeks to get paid because you started working again on a payweek. It blows, actually.

So I spent probably about 250$ today getting things I've been wanting for a few months...which is 25$ over half my paycheck.

And then tomorrow I'll be spending roughly 600$ on bills/rent.

All the money! It disappears. >_< At least I get paid before the Fetish Flea so I can buy shinies. :3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Liking people seems overrated.

Or at least in my case, a reason why people run away. I dunno. This cold is messing with my head and usually when I leave a message it gets answered and well, this one hasn't been.

I dunno. Maybe what I want is too much even though I don't even ask for that much.

Just bleh.

I want something to look forward to besides the same old shit.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

And I feel like everyone around me is happy.

Fuck you.

Honestly, fuck you and your happiness right now.

But it doesn't matter how much I get mad or sad because no one tries to pick up the sad excuse I am and tell me I'll be okay.

They just expect me to dust myself off and act like nothing is wrong. Just because I've had to be strong all my life and show this hard-ass bitch side of me to keep going doesn't mean I'm not fragile.

I'm so fucking fragile I feel brittle like my happiness: It just falls apart too easily because it's fake.

Maybe that's just why I'm so mad all the time. I'm mad at my roommate and at my friends because they found their happiness and someone to share it with. And it's like...godfuckingdammit. Why not me? I'm alone all the time. I try to hang out with people and being okay only lasts for a little while.

Just fuck, man. Why is it so hard to ask for some fucking happiness? Just someone to be with without all the bullshit? Hell, just someone to give a damn and want me. And even though this guy likes me, it's like..well fuck, I feel like just asking him to hang with me is too much for him to deal with. Or I'm just overthinking it like I usually do.

I just need to get out and stop thinking about everyone else and be selfish for a night because I'm going goddamn crazy trying to make sure no one gets dragged down by my bitter sarcasm and negativity.

If I don't feel like shit tomorrow, I'm going for a walk after Physics because FUCK THIS.

Also...Psy just made my night with his weird Pistachio commercial.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I have microfiber boxers...they make rubbing up against anything feel awesome...the end
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.


Hahvy! I love you so much, dear. <3 Your message made me smile when I came to look at my things online.

I really hope you become happier because you are definitely one of the people who deserves a bit of happiness.

Love you, sweetheart. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Aw, my wifey... *hugs*

It's fine to be selfish. It's also fine to seethe in your own unhappiness from time to time. Let's face it, I don't think many people would know what happiness was in the first place if they didn't face unhappiness before or after the fact.

I also think that if your "friends" believe that someone can just dust themselves off and be happy afterward are rather full of shit and probably wouldn't be able to do the same. I've seen people who push depressed "friends" away in order to avoid accepting how hopeless they feel, as well.

I'm sure you can find happiness again, sometime, someday. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but that's how things are at times. And that's alright, because all anyone can do is take it one day at a time.

You will be fine, my dear.

I'd offer to call/text, buuuut my cell phone has been off for a year+. :C
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's okay, thanks everyone. I really do appreciate it. I hope you know that. I really do. -hugs for everyone-

Just shit, I get really mad especially when I just see it everywhere. I don't try to hurt anyone with it I just need to get it out of my system.

So yeah, just damn.

Ugh.

<3 for wifey, Michie, Anansi, and DA.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

SNOW, SNOW, SNOW.

It's gonna be a Nor'Eastah!

The highway's turned into a pahkin' lot!



In case you didn't get the references [which most people wouldn't] we're supposed be getting over a foot of snow between tomorrow and saturday.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I got the reference. Then, it helps that I'm from the Northeast originally, hehe. XD
*snugs Hahvy and her Bah-ston accent*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

BAHSTON

At least we didn't lose power in that huge storm. I dug my car out this morning and turned it around so I could get out more easily in the morning when I drive my friend to the airport. I'm gonna miss her so much. In the past six months, she's turned into one of my best friends. I luff her. <3 I hope she has a good trip.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I guess he doesn't have a problem going to a movie with me...but doesn't have any interest in seeing the movie Warm Bodies.


I feel like that's an indication of not wanting anything romantic with me. I dunno. Movie choices sometimes shows that. I'm just confused, honestly. But oh well. It's not gonna break my heart or anything. I just thought it would be interesting to see.

-shrugs- At least I like action movies, too.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I just hate everything right now.

I'm so tired of getting trampled on emotionally. I don't want to get attached but I like him. It sucks but I know I'll get over it sooner rather than later. It just sucks that I got him to say he likes me too but it's like...I'm just not worth it. That's how it comes off. And I'm just...tired of always coming in second place. Because that's how it is with every guy I've been attracted to. Either they get scared, fuck everything up, or just leave me because they've "suddenly changed."

I'm just done with it. So here ya go, Fate. Take my goddamn heart because I don't want it. I don't. I really, really don't.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You ever think its not you? They aren't worth it, if you keep going after the same type of guy you will get the same results. I am not saying you go after the same kind of guy, i don't know the kind of guys you trying to date. You get what you think you deserve. If you are negative all the time, you will attract a certain kind of person. You have to make your own happiness, and that special someone will only enhance it, don't relay on anyone but yourself to make you happy.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I don't always assume it has to do with me, thanks.

Sometimes I just get pissed and spew it out but yes, a lot of the time, I blame myself because that's just how I was brought up. Everything was my fault, essentially, even when it wasn't.

I don't need someone to make me happy. I just want someone around.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Hahvoc The Decepticon said:
I just hate everything right now.

I'm so tired of getting trampled on emotionally. I don't want to get attached but I like him. It sucks but I know I'll get over it sooner rather than later. It just sucks that I got him to say he likes me too but it's like...I'm just not worth it. That's how it comes off. And I'm just...tired of always coming in second place. Because that's how it is with every guy I've been attracted to. Either they get scared, fuck everything up, or just leave me because they've "suddenly changed."

I'm just done with it. So here ya go, Fate. Take my goddamn heart because I don't want it. I don't. I really, really don't.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, liking someone doesn't mean you want a relationship with them... I've been on his side of this.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

He's told me that and then he does shit that makes me question what the hell he wants.

I know he doesn't want a relationship and I said I understand that. I wouldn't nor could I force him to be with me. I'm not like that.

It's just frustrating how he acts.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, V day is tomorrow and I think I'll just go see my mum after seeing a friend of mine if she's around.

As much as I would like to spend it with someone special, especially with all the gross lovey dovey crap, I just have to deal with the fact that I don't have anyone super special. I just got what I got.

It just feels like I'm settling with this life. However, I am just trying to be positive or at least try not to get so down and out about shit.

Guess I'll just try to be okay tomorrow. I still feel down from yesterday but you can't keep dwelling on something you'll never get.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Important thing is to do tmr on your terms. Don't settle.

Also no pity hookups, nothing like a post vday clinger to ruin your March
 
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