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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

This might be kinda unwelcome advice but it occurred to me that depending the hour of his death, your grandfather died on either Halloween or the Day of the Dead. Maybe next year, on one or the other, you could dress up and have a small celebration to commemorate his life and your memories of him? I don't know how painful it is for you, but it does seem kind of coincidental that he left this world on these days(I'm sorry, I'm still not clear on which date he died). Either way, it could become your own personal tradition to make remembering him less painful.

Anyway, I'm really sorry for your loss, Hahvoc. *hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sat in my English class for about three minutes before I told my professor I just couldn't sit there and try to pay attention in class. I had been sitting there for a good 15 minutes while the other students trickled in and they are just so obnoxious and loud that I just couldn't take it and try to keep my composure at the same time. I had to tell one of my other professors about what happened after class and to let him know I might be late on our paper assignment/might not be in class/and the revision I still have to do. I also have to try to do the English assignments I blew off because of how terrible I felt most of the week and then what happened yesterday.

I have to do a mock job interview and as much as I wanna stay home and just not do anything, I'm going to just get it done and hopefully just get through it.

Registered for my last class today and it just makes me realize that my Papa didn't get to see me graduate but the sadder thing is that he didn't even know who I was really much less that I was in college.

I still have to get my second minor declared but I can do that next week.

I have work today and I have to go. I called out on wednesday and the storm made it so I couldn't work any other days so I have to go so I don't have a completely shitty paycheck.

It's times like these I wish I just had someone to curl up with under the blankets and just try to forget for a little while.

But I gotta be stronger than that. I always have to be strong.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

This reminded me of you.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2XdgMFffZU[/youtube]

You've been through so much this year and the way you've picked yourself up and keep going is truly inspiring. Hang in there, you're gonna make it through, Hahvy. *pats your arm*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

That was a really beautiful song and now I'm gonna go find it. Thanks for sharing that with me. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I keep listening to the song that Quin linked me, and when I keep hearing the lyrics, they take on different meanings. When I read one of the comments on the video, it made sense to me that Lucy is talking about someone she loved dying and feeling so empty inside but knowing that she needs to move on with her life but doesn't want to settle for someone who wasn't as great. And yet, when I listen to it, it sounds to me like she's tired of feeling like she's living half a life and is waiting for that person to awaken her back to what life has to offer, but she's not the type to just sit around and wait for them to show up and save her. I think I like both the meanings that I can see and my favorite part of the song is this:

And I feel like I'm some kind of Frankenstein,
Waiting for a shock to bring me back to life,
But I don't wanna spend my time,
Waiting for lightning to strike.

That suits me the best, I think, and I have to admit that calling a cemetery, "a field of stone," is probably the most beautiful description of it because I absolutely love graveyards. Honestly, I've fallen in love with this song, and I can't stop playing it. It has made me feel so much better despite how sad and melancholy it is. It just has this uplifting undertone that I can't really feel sad when I hear it. It just makes me want to sing and hope that one day, I'll find that someone worth while that will bring me back to life.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

raichuidea4.jpg


Also, I think I'm gonna have my tattoo look like this but with some changes to how the text is set up. Otherwise, this is what I'm gonna get.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

^_^ I'm so glad I decided to share it with you then! And I love the tattoo idea!
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks, Quin! ^_^ and I think I'm gonna have the filigree simplified to look more like electricity. I'm still not sure how exactly I want the lyrics, but I'll figure it out.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, the funeral was today and I almost lost it a few times but I managed not to really cry until the ceremony after all the readings when they folded up the flag on his casket and gave it to my nana. THAT was really hard to listen to because it was really endearing and because my papa was such a great man.

I wrote a poem for my family involving some of my memories from when I was little and living with my grandparents. I ended up making people cry. D: It boosts my ego but also makes me sad because I didn't want people to cry. At least, it wasn't my intention.

I'm exhausted. I dunno if I'm gonna work out today [I didn't yesterday] but I'm gonna try to get back into it so I don't lose so much time. I dunno, I might do some ab work outs every other day this week and then just do a restart on monday. I'm not sure. I'm just really swamped and overwhelmed.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Small tip from me. If you exercise when you're overwhelmed, it's not worth it. You can't do much when you're stressed, and sometimes it works in reverse. Keep your chin up, Hahvoc.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks, hon. I decided not to work out this week and just restart on monday when I have a clearer head.

My birthday is also this weekend and thankfully I will be spending it with friends instead of sitting at home or only seeing my family. At least I don't have to try to beg my friends to hang out with me like I had to do for my 21st. Fucking lame. [And still no one hung out with me.]

One more day of school this week. I'm just crossing my fingers it goes by quick.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Man, I have like 53k+ views on my journal. Am I really that interesting? Damn, guys. You make me feel important or some shit.

Anyways - a small update.

My birthday was amazing, bought myself some gifts, started working out again, and am now going to enjoy a nice weekend before the turkey madness.

<3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Actually... Every time I refresh the front page for whatever reason, I always click on your thread right after. Just out of impulse. It's an OCD thing.

Just kidding! You're just a really prominent figure here I think and you have a lot to say. I know I've started reading your journal but no one else's just because sometimes you've got interesting stuff going on. Your commentary on the things happening in your life is sometimes very heartfelt and insightful. And sometimes when you rant I think it's kinda funny. Not like... you're funny but what you're ranting about is funny. Heh, stoopid roommates, amiright? Anyways, *stretches languidly* I'm just gonna stop being creepy and awkward and go back into the bushes now.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Nah, I understand I'm kind of funny when I rant. I get very expressive and animated when I do so I wouldn't be surprised if people imagined me throwing my arms up and such when aggravated. Cause I totally do.

PROMINENCE!
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'll admit it. I'm tired of being without someone to dote on and have fun with. I miss the thrill of a relationship and waking up to sweet words and falling asleep to tempting fantasies that dance through my mind until morning arrives again. I miss being wanted and adored, and feeling like I matter so much more than most people. I miss being a part of someone's world in a way that brings me right back to life. I've had boyfriends in the past year, but not in the way that I need.

It's been almost five years since I've had a loving, passionate, engulfing, and physical relationship. [Yeah, I've done the date online from a distance thing.]

Mouse asked me what was wrong today and I just sighed and said nothing. It's the same thing. I'm weighed down by memories and yearning for more than what I've got right now. I have to remind myself, actually tell myself, that things will eventually change. That I'll be happy again. It just seems so far off and the stress of living is weighing on my shoulders. I feel like my workouts are worthless, that my trying to change my attitude about things is just not notable, and that I'm just here. That's really all it is. I'm just here while the world travels by.

I did today what I do everyday: I sit on my bed, watch tv, work out, and then make dinner before cuddling with Ziggy before work. There is only so much change during my day and coming from a creature of routine and habit, I'm upset by this. I'm upset by this bad habit. I'd rather have a routine with someone in it than just have a routine where it feels like everything amounts to nil.

It's lonely. Fuck, it's lonely.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks.

On a completely unrelated note:

It's like getting lemon juice in my eyes whenever I see those words from someone. I read them anyways and then go, "Why the fuck did I even bother? Why did I read that?" Well, I never denied being partially masochistic, but I know why. I want karma to be the biggest bitch.

What can I say? I'm a mean enemy to have even if now it's not even worth being mean.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, no bleeding so that's a really good sign. I'll know by tomorrow night how well they are gonna heal if they don't bleed by then.

I love my new piercings. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So there's a guy named P- whom I like. He just seems like a sturdy and nice guy and fuck yeah, he's attractive. My friend R- whom I've slept with in the past, knows him. Just my luck. I see them start talking and really have no idea what it is they are talking about and so when I asked R- because I said P- probably doesn't find me attractive, he said you never know so I asked if they were talking about me. He doesn't answer. Then when he does, he says they were talking about cars.

Fml. Why didn't you just say so in the first place? Don't get my fucking hopes up. ;_; Ugh.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Or they could have talked about double teaming you. Its an awkward thing to say
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I highly doubt that. R- is from Africa and we only slept together once because he kept making excuses on why he didn't want to sleep with me. I mean, hell, he was like "Put bedsheets back on your bed or I'm not going to." I don't have a dirty mattress. >8|
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Ugh, thinking about my workload stresses me out so I've been putting it off till the last minute. I have to make sure about 90% of my work is done by like Thursday or I'll fuck up. My power point presentation won't take too long, it's just finding an article that takes forever so I'll be looking for one tomorrow and trying to at least start my presentation. Hopefully I can get it done by wednesday night.

I have four papers due by next Friday. At least I started the first one but the others I'm kind of iffy about. I'll try to start a draft of the second paper and then just whittle away at the two of them until they are completed - hopefully by friday night/saturday at the latest before getting started on my last two papers and turning those in by the 6th/7th. I still have small assignments to do so I'm a bit stressed out by being such a procrastinator. But I'll try to get as much done tomorrow as I can so I'm not too far behind.

Hopefully it'll work out and I'll pass my classes with flying colors. Hopefully.
 
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