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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm not a princess looking for the prince.

I'm not a damsel trapped in distress.

I'm not a heroine in a romance novel who will end up finding the love of the life in the end.

I'm not the type of person everyone at a small party wants to talk to. I'm the person who can disappear because I'm so good at it. Last night I went out for a twenty minute cigarette break and only my will kept me from having more than two cigarettes in that sitting. I just sat outside and watched the few nighttime stragglers go home. No one came to look for me but I expect that. It doesn't matter how expectant you are of that, it still bothers you until you go home. And then...saying goodbye, it's like suddenly people know you are there. Or were there.

It just makes me realize how many trust issues I have that I can't even really talk to people when there are over ten people in a room. I feel trapped and only find some stability when someone I know is sitting next to me. It makes me feel handicapped like something is wrong with me on a social level. And then knowing there are couples there playing with people just made me feel so out of place and lonely. I didn't think I'd feel so out of place until I got there and was actually sitting among people. I didn't feel confident or pretty or even there. But I know how to put on a good face and say hello to someone when it's only us in a room. It's easier to breathe and try to make conversation. It's so easy to just pretend to be someone else and yet myself at the same time.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just too different from people or something. Maybe I just put up all these barriers because of how my childhood was. I'm doing better than I used to, but this stuff still doesn't sit well with me. I hate the feeling that if I had had my stuff with me and left, no one would have noticed until the end of the night when everyone was leaving. Maybe it's not true, but I've felt like that at almost every party I've gone to.

I dunno. Today just sucks.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I felt this way throughout my entire life and even still do at times. The only one who notices me, truly notices me, is my husband. It's why I'm with him and why I was lucky as fuck to find him, or should I say.... that he found me. It's a dreadful feeling to feel this way and I hate that you feel it at all. I will forever hope that life wises up and deals you a better hand, one you truly deserve. Because good people don't deserve such shitty hands. And, seriously, if there is such a thing as 'a next life'..... yours will be so fucking amazing, you will be bursting because of the happiness that will be surrounding you. But still, my hope is that it'll find you someway. I'll be hoping that for as long as I'm able. *hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

-hugs DA-

Goals for this semester:

1) Get awesome grades.
2) Gain more confidence
3) Potentially get a boyfriend/lover/fuckpal/fwb?
4) Lose weight
5) Feel beautiful

As I sit here at my desk at work, I feel like I'm about to cry. One thing I've wanted for a long time was to fall in love again - as madly in love as I was with my first love. But I feel like...no one will let me love them. As if my love isn't good enough or beautiful enough or wonderful enough.

I just wonder if I will fall in love again.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Things I hate about College:

How insecure I get in my own skin. I see girls with flattering figures and pretty flawless skin and I get very self-conscious about myself. But I keep my head up. I'm not the same scared and frustrated girl I was in high school.

Confusing assignments. They shouldn't be.

Sitting in a classroom and knowing you are out of your element. Not that I can't understand the material, but looking and knowing you are very different from everyone else who is in there with you.

When you don't have any old classmates in the same classes as you so you actually have to be social and make new class-pals.

Hot, stuffy classrooms.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RC....

I feel the sadness and emptiness welling up inside me again. I wonder what you would say to me now, would you yell at me for being so heartbroken over you? Would you try to comfort me? Would you call me?

Oh, RC. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. I look up to the sky thinking of you and what words you might have for me. I write as if you'll somehow respond. That I'll wake up from this like it's a bad dream. That I'll have another poem waiting for me to quell my sadness and lift me up.

You took so much with you when you left.

And I wonder if I'll find a way to take some of it back.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

The last time someone held me in their arms and told me that they loved me with their whole heart was over four years ago.

The last time I kissed someone who loved me more than anything was over four years ago.

I miss that feeling that I have a place in someone's heart and that whenever they touch me or speak to me, I know how they feel.

And I almost had that. I was close to that. And then he died.

I don't want to be with anyone because I think I might just shatter and yet I can't escape the bone deep loneliness that invades my every pore.

I don't want to feel anymore.

So I won't.

And yet...it's time to move on from this. To not forget, but to forgive and move on.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So interesting news in the world of me:

Gave a guy my number. No, not just some random guy, but a guy who comes into the library a lot and is pleasant to talk to. I'm not racist but will just say that he's black and is probably a half foot or so taller than me and I don't care about any of that. He's an attractive guy and is a sweetheart, plus, he has an interesting accent since he's not from America. I believe he's from an African country but I'm not really sure. I'd have to ask him.

But he asked for my number and that's really why I put this. It was funny because I asked him if he had facebook and I couldn't find him through the search thingy so I gave him mine and as I was writing my info down, he asked if I could write my number down too so I did. Then he knocked over the pair of headphones I checked out to him which was HILARIOUS~ And he laughed and said I made him nervous which was just even more funny.

But yeah, interesting news in the world of me. Talking with a good friend of mine on the site helped me really get over that depression that was clinging to me like a second skin. I'm still not out of the woods with that but just being able to get it all out, cry it out, and get feedback and a kick to the ass like I needed, was enough to get me to just see that I don't have to be sad anymore. That I can miss RC and not feel like the world is ending without him here. I miss him and my cousin dearly and the world is a little less bright without them, but I won't shut my eyes to any of the light that could surround me.

I will change for the better and grow as a person.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I knew there was a reason I liked the color black. ;D Jk.

But yeah, fooled around a little with my sexual interest and it was very nice and sweet and intimate. I found out he's from Uganda actually and we talked about some of our past and things like that. It kind of surprises me that he's interested in someone like me [not to put myself down, just an observation] since I have tattoos and piercings and he doesn't. He is really, really fun to kiss, and I liked how his rough hands felt on my skin. Plus, he can pick me up like I'm nothing and that made me feel special in a way. He didn't say I was big or anything like that [he works out and such since he's into Rugby so he's not exactly built but he's a little burly] and said that since the school has a free gym that if I wanted to do something about my body image, I have the option to do so. It was just very pleasant to not feel so self-conscious and knowing that he liked touching me and how soft my skin is.

Intimate details are intimate, but it was just nice to be wanted and be able to feel it physically rather than just through text or Skype. This is something that I need. Plus, it was definitely cool to be able to talk about some BDSM stuff and he didn't even really flinch. He was just like "What's that?" and I explained some stuff to him and he thought it sounded pretty interesting. We played around with my handcuffs and he seems to like being able to cuff me [which I thought was funny but also a little nerve-wracking since I start to panic at not being able to move my arms like I want to].

But that's an update on my life, I suppose. I told him he wasn't getting sex unless he earned it and he seemed up to the task of earning it. ;D lol.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Totally had interracial sex last night and it was pretty good. There wasn't a lot of foreplay in maybe the more well-known sense but there was a lot of just light touching and kissing and it was pretty damn awesome. Also- I realized something. I can orgasm while being on top. ;D It wasn't intense or anything but I was definitely floored that I had one at all.

Some surprises are awesome. And my roommate has no idea I had sex last night. BAZINGA!
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Hehehe........ *has been having interracial sex for years.... giggles* XD
But seriously, I'm glad you've found someone and that he's making you happy and smiley. Hope he's treating you right and I hope it leads to better and better things too. <333
 
Kite is watching...

Barney-Stinson-How-I-met-Your-Mother.png


I've got my eye on you, woman.

Also, text me whenever.

<3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

He's a nice guy. We aren't dating or anything and I don't know if I want to date him [through no fault of his own mind you] but whatever we have going is pretty nice all around. -hugs Da- <3

XD Lol, Kite. Love you. I'll text you in a bit. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I think I'm gonna consider getting an IUD. I never really liked taking the pill and hated that I had to time it every day when I was taking it a few years ago. I need to talk to my mum about it and set up an apartment to get checked out and see if they can just do that all in one go. So we'll just have to see.

I know, random, but I've just been thinking about it for awhile now.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Dunno if I'll be getting sex any time soon, but I'm not really bothered by it. I think I'm just gonna enjoy being single and whatever may happen. I have too much to worry about with school as is so it's whatever. It doesn't help that I get my period soon. SUCKAGE. But I'm growing and evolving as a person and hopefully not closing myself off to more than just sex and fun. But maybe fun and possibly sex is what I need. I don't know though. I'll find out eventually.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I need to start learning french to decipher some of these writings. However, I'm glad to have read some of the things that I read even if they did made me cry. I will always love you, RC, but I am going to move on. I will never be okay with what happened, but I will make peace with it. It's the best I can do for all of us.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

We're both busy a lot so it's not like we get much time to just hang out much less just have sex. lol. Plus, my roommate is always home and I don't like her being home when I have that particular kind of company.

And yeah, I know. I just miss him.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm starting to notice that I find certain people attractive because they have some resemblance to an ex. I don't mean Blaine or Josh or anyone like that, but two of my exes I really care about and maybe that transfers to who I find attractive on the physical level even if I still am attracted to different types of guys. It just floors me when I see someone I find very attractive and realize that if I look enough, they have the same combination of features like one of the two exes of mine do. It's kind of flustering. I don't make it up in my head so I know it's not me being a crazy woman and pasting features on. They are just there. Currently there is a guy sitting in my line of sight who has: blond hair, blue eyes, glasses, tall, semi-muscular. That's like one of my exes and it's just the right combination to make me go, "You two could be cousins." Or something of that nature.

This is driving me nuts. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. =/
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

A few reasons why I can't do the diet/life change my roommate is doing:

I don't really like the taste of vegetables.

If I try to eat a lot of vegetables, I start feeling physically ill.

It's a struggle to eat enough of them so that I'm comfortable with what I've eaten.

Oh well, just one day at a time. I'm trying at least to be a little more healthy. I'm trying to eat at least two servings of veggies a day and I'm gonna start working in fruits too. I just need to go buy some apples.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

In the words of the fittest man I know "Fuck vegetables, I eat more meat and just exercise more. Everything is exercise that requires you to move enough. Find something and do it, turn things into games, whatever works till you have the shape you want."-Patrick.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I plan on working out since I just can't do the whole diet thing. I like eating what I eat. I just have to get motivated to start working out and stop bitching about my body. The stress is building up so it's hard for me to want to do much besides just laze about in bed. BUT I WILL DO IT. Fucking goal.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Walking places instead of driving, parking further away, skipping snacks, and vigorous activity that gets your heart pumping and you'll have your desired shape in no time.
 
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