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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Six more days.

I keep a count down going in my head until I get to hold those hands and speak with that person. It's almost unreal that in mere days, I can see that special person. My palms get clammy and my stomach does flips while my heart beats faster at the thought. I don't know if it is nervousness or excitement that ratchets up notch by notch within me. Probably both.

I'm a hopeless romantic while being a realist. It's an odd combination but then again, I'm an odd combination of things. I'm always "both" never just one or the other. Sadomasochist. Bisexual. Introverted extrovert [mini explanation is being able to be extremely open about some things but almost impossible to be open about other things]. A Switch. Short fused but laid back.

I think about a lot of things repeatedly as if I can take them apart if I can think about them enough but I usually dwell on past things more than future things, though occasionally the future sweeps it's way in and devours my thought processes. The past is harder because it stays the same. It never changes. Possibilities are endless along with "what ifs." Difference is that "what ifs" are lost possibilities. Things that can never be.

So sometimes I wonder what might have happened if R hadn't died. If my cousin hadn't died. If my grandfather had passed away instead of still being alive right now. Maybe it's extremely morbid to think of all those what ifs but I do.

And then I remember that I am here in the present and let those thoughts fade for the time being. They come back and haunt me, but it's the way my mind works. I think too much and yet I feel maybe I don't think enough. Maybe what matters most slips free of my mind because of all the clutter. I'm not sure. But then again, maybe I'll never know.

Sometimes my mind just needs to shut the fuck up and let me feel something.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Just a few more days.

I sometimes wonder what I should put down in my little writing corner and sometimes I don't know. Occasionally, the words just flow out from my fingertips without me realizing it until it's all out on the page like I've just been waiting for my hands to connect to the keyboard.

Sometimes, I need reassurance about a lot of things, even if it is just a few words. Being called worthless definitely ingrained itself on my psyche but I got over it to a good point. But I do have my moments where I feel like I'm lost and just need that little bit of reassurance that I'm a good, worthwhile being. That I'm cared for and wanted. I'm intense but I can tone it down. It doesn't harm me, but it does make me wonder what if I was to let it all out? Would I just overwhelm that person? Would I drive them away? I let them see me. I don't play games or hide my personality. Scorpios are intense or so the horoscopes say. We love hard and fast. We're loyal to a fault until something traumatic enough breaks that trust. We're protective and possessive. Sensual, sexual, and loving.

I could probably go on with some of the characteristics I know I have, but I'm also just a very giving person despite being so isolated from others. I'm selective and perceptive but I'm also the type to get too lost in my own thoughts and can wreck my own day. I worry a lot.

I just wonder if I'll be granted my wish.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

The Comic Book Idea produced by Broomhandle45 and Myself

So we were talking about how I own a sex toy and I didn't want to say what it was so we came up with comic book "hero" names for the sex toys that you could own. Here's what we got.

The Rod Of Justice aka a vibrator
Cave Jumper aka anal beads
MacGagger aka a ball gag
The Strike Of Might aka a really fantastic whip
The Love Lasher aka a flogger
The Double Bind Twins aka a pair of handcuffs
[Sexiest Ninja the prototype name] aka a blindfold - he has a back story! Man of honor, self-righteousness, and clumsiness. He's been known to run into walls and disappear into a cloud of smoke just to prove that he meant to it. He has sex with lots of women. Men hate him, women want him. He has been known to turn the lights on to give other ninjas a chance. Gentle and loving but full of kickassery. He knows every martial arts. ALL THE MARTIAL ARTS. And went back in time to teach Bruce Lee martial arts. He is, the Sexiest Ninja most clumsy anti-hero ever made. He also likes pancakes.

Shock Johnson the Lightning Wizard aka a violet wand [aka SUPER HARDCORE]

Holdfasts aka MINIONS/MUKES aka wrist cuffs

We have the basics for a real comic! More information to come.

Title in Progress: Adventures In The Lands of Toys
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You know, sometimes it sucks knowing when people are gonna change their minds about you. It's like a six sense, I swear. It's that gut feeling that settles in your stomach and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You feel alone and distant, like someone just ruined your whole day by pouring a bucket of depression on top of you. It makes you anxious and nervous.

Oh, that wonderful feeling of dread. How right you were.

I'll be fine. I'm not even angry. I'm just disappointed. Really disappointed.

I don't wanna go to work today.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my ribcage of a mermaid with a shark. I think I want them to look like they are swimming up from the bottom of the ocean and the mermaid is holding a Captain's hat. I think only a few people on here would understand the significance of the Captain's Hat but I think it would be enough. Maybe some other little details but I'll figure it out.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

tumblr_m8vhb08goN1qk3yubo1_500.jpg


'Cause I decided to start posting pictures I'm gonna be putting together from my tumblr. I don't take these pictures, obviously, but they will have my own words on them. That's artistic, right?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sometimes when you lie awake, your mind likes to supply you with things that could have been. Mine has decided to do a little tailspin around the words "I should be here with him --" and adding things that could have happened when I find that I can't sleep. It goes on for a little while, almost like I could have gotten the toy out of the prize machine but someone else got it instead. I'm not sulking, just disappointed. And when my eyes finally shut at night, the other part of me speaks up from the shadows and whispers, "But you're not."

At times I think that if I didn't have this semi-split in my personality, would I be the same way that I am? Would I have made it through some of the things that I got through? Would I have put the knife down in my kitchen so many years ago? I don't know if anyone really reads this and personally, I don't know if I particularly care, but it floors me to realize that it's been almost ten years since I tried to kill myself. At least, came very close to. Even though it's been that long, it's still fresh: the emotions whirling through me that I'd be better off dead. That my family wouldn't have me as a burden. That I wouldn't have to fear going to school or suffer the pain and failure that I always felt when I cried on the way home. The feeling that home wasn't a sanctuary because I had lost my mother's trust over something that now, in my older age, find almost trivial to some of the things I've kept from her. The weight of the knife in my hand, the image of my family finding me with a slice across my neck and my blood turning our white floor crimson, and the press of steel against my throat. The way my fist tightened about the handle, ready to move.

And yet I am still here. I will continue to be here. I refuse to let anything drag me down to those depths again. I will remain unwavering in my strength even if my will has been dissolved and my faith has withered away.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm starting to believe that this friendship might be over. And yet I can't be surprised or anything of the sort. I do feel a bit melancholy but otherwise, there's really nothing else to feel besides a bit of loneliness. Just gotta hold onto the good times, I suppose, and just move on from this completely.

Not going to WA around Christmas but I might go for Spring Break. We'll see.

Otherwise, I just feel blank. I have better things to worry about or think about.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sometimes when I feel blank, I actually get aggravated about it. It's like I can't really feel anything for more than a few brief moments at a time before the neutrality settles back in. But it's not like I haven't felt like this before, it just sucks anyways.

Oh well. I can't really do much else but just get through the days. Maybe school will make things better. At least there will be plenty of people for me to play with. Who knows? Maybe I'll be more confident.

Yeah. Maybe. Pfft.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I really despise being sick enough that it bothers my stomach, and then being hungry enough that it bothers me in general. I can't win, I swear. I broke down and ordered food. No, it's not good-for-me food. It's always the bad stuff but I'll be making myself food to take to work with me from now on until I get paid, pretty much. I really can't afford to be spending money on take out unless by some miracle - or so it seems. At least I still have eight dollars [physical] in my pocket that I can spend on meager groceries. Like bread and hotdogs or something. I have plenty of pasta and do want to get some milk, so maybe I'll be able to stretch those dollars so I can just make food at home and bring it with me or something like that. Maybe, maybe~

I also don't really go anywhere and have over half a gas tank filled so I'll be set with that. I feel like I'm just so tired and crappy feeling that I'm just letting my fingers type out whatever comes to my mind because I really don't feel like thinking. Not that it's easy to think about things that are bothering me right now it's more like I'm in a fog and it's bothering me a bit. Being at work right now is just sucky but I can't really afford not to be at work. Yay for being broke. I also have to pay my stepdad back for a bunch of stuff and that sucks. A tired that needed to be replaced and also for my cellphone bill. I think I owe him closer to 300$ than 200$ at this point. I'll pay him back though. I always make sure to do so. I don't like owing people money. I really hate it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I've decided to I want to live in a unique home- and by unique I mean an old building that I brought back to life. I want to live in either a library or an asylum. I know, the latter sounds extremely weird, but I think it would be a really amazing thing to bring life and good energy into a place like that. And libraries are just cool and amazing.

I just wonder if I'll ever be able to do so unless I marry a really rich guy or a very hands-on/crafty guy who does a lot of construction and stuff.

One day I'll have an amazing home~
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kings_Park_Psychiatric_Center#KPPC_today
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

That makes me think of a place I was looking at earlier in an article. It's got about 88 Mill in renos to be done to it. I was like "nooooooo. It's so pretty. T_T"
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I have Faderhead stuck in my head and I love it~

Still sick today and it really sucks. I would rather not be sick but that's how it goes. Gonna be shopping tomorrow with my roommate and friend so that's a bit exciting since we're going to DARQ - aka my Goth night. I am so happy to be going. Hopefully I won't get sicker or something. Fingers crossed.

My girlfriend called me this morning to tell me she's finally home and after all the shit she's told me about where she's been I'm so happy she's home. I wanna stab a certain person on the base that she's been at, but that's not going to happen. I despise disgusting men who dare put on a uniform and call themselves a soldier when assaulting people weaker than them - especially because they know they are alone in their rooms and said person isn't even supposed to be in those quarters to begin with. I'm just glad that my girlfriend slept with a knife under her pillow.

Still, you don't really forget hearing the anguish. I hope she gets some decent sleep while she's home. I miss her and can't wait till I get to see her.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Got super drunk last night and it was amazing. It was definitely the night I needed. I got to have a lot of fun and just enjoy myself. I made out with like four different people and it was awesome. xD Two of them were my friends I brought with me and two were randomly people my other friend knew. My roommate came out with us last night and she looked awesome! She had fun until everyone started kissing each other and she was like, "Yeah, I was uncomfortable at that point." At least it didn't last very long. She needs to be more outgoing. I don't care if she wants to kiss people or doesn't, but she gets uncomfortable about a lot of things and it kind of just makes me want her to grow up a little bit. But eh, everyone at their own pace.

Slept great last night but I think I might need a little more sleep. No hangover. Bahahaha~
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I ended up falling asleep within an hour of getting home after lunch with my roommate. I was surprised because I just passed out and woke up realizing my TV was way too loud. It's always weird how I'll fall asleep and the volume will be just fine but when I wake up, it sounds like it's screaming at me. And then it randomly got hot so sleeping after that point was not the best.

Went to my mum's house to see my family and my girlfriend who is FINALLY HOME on leave from the army. Gonna be going to Maine with her this upcoming weekend and I think it might be real camping and I'm afraid. D: I hate real camping. I like having a place to sleep and a shower, and things like that. I don't like thinking I might be sleeping on rocks and bugs. It bothers me.

My relationship with my girlfriend is odd, I suppose. I don't think I would mind if she got another girlfriend, she's dating some guy I don't know, and I've told her I dated another woman before and she was like "you didn't tell me? You brat," and it was funny. Thankfully me and the crazy bitch were broken up by then but it was still fun to laugh about. She's one of my best friends and that's why we call each other girlfriend. I missed her like crazy and so glad I get to spend some time with her. <3

Today was over all a strange day though. I got a text from someone I didn't think I would be speaking with and got some things cleared up. I told him that he and I are still friends and I hope he understands what that means and how little I say that to people who have fucked up a bit. He's lucky I've known him for so long and that one his close buddies fucked up way worse than him so I can forgive him for being a jerk.

I keep thinking about RC. That's the new nickname I'm giving him. I never gave him a real nickname so now that he's gone, I think I'm gonna call him RC. Whenever I feel down or lost, I find myself looking to the sky and asking RC what I should do or if things will improve. I think maybe it's to give myself something to focus on. I think of responses he might give me. Some of the jokes he might come up with. But what I miss most are the poems. Just thinking about it now is making me teary-eyed. I miss him telling me what he thought of them, his response to them, and the excitement of knowing I had something to look forward to. It didn't matter if they were sad poems or happy poems - just knowing they were for me was enough.

I still have a lot of things to deal with. I still feel so far away.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I hope you have fun camping... I'm with you on the sleeping outdoors thing though. I can go hiking and stuff. But I cannot stay out in the wild for overnight or overly long periods of time. Part of that is due to my entomophobia though. >.< Regardless, I do hope you have you fun. Given your company, I'm sure you will.

As for the other stuff...... I just give you *hugs* and lots of them.

And we all have things we are dealing with. At some points they might be more or less or more intense or what have you. I don't think that ever changes because something always comes up in some way, shape or form. That is just life. But, I have to say I do think you've handled the things that have come your way very well and better than most given the nature of what you've had to deal with. So always keep that in mind when things start to bring you down. You're a strong person, a beautiful person. Don't ever forget that.

*hugs more*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I've realized why certain things bother me- because my mentality just can't wrap my mind around it. I'll just list things off and give a brief reason.

Slaves: I don't understand the mentality of being completely owned and told what to do. I don't understand. I understand the inherit submission, but I don't understand the rest of it. I understand playing with it in the bedroom, but I don't understand it outside of the bedroom. Why would you want most if-not all-of your decisions made for you? Is it because you'd rather not do so? Are you really that dependent? That unwilling to make your own decisions right down to the core of what makes you who you are?

Betas: You aren't an Alpha so stop parading around like you are one. You are a submissive but want to be dominant but you aren't. You need to grow up. Being a submissive in that way has it's place just like every Alpha has their place. But acting like a dickhead and pretending you are "super dominant" does not make you dominant. It just makes you look stupid and frankly, even more like a beta.

Know-it-alls: Listen, no one knows it all, so stop explaining things like no one has a fucking clue what they mean. Maybe you should ask first before assuming you're the only smart person in the room. Is it a Beta thing or just a jackass thing? Or an attention thing? I don't know but I don't understand that either.

"Masters": You probably bother me the most. I don't believe there is such thing as a 'Master.' There are only very, very few people I do believe are 'Masters' or at least trying to improve themselves enough to reach that status. For me, though, there are no 'Masters,' and no one will ever be my 'Master.' This kind of stems from someone PMing me on my fetish site to 'bow down like a slave and be good to "Master."' He quickly disappeared. I don't tolerate that "I have control over everyone and anyone because I say so." No, you don't. Get the hell over it.

Republicans: I think that really says it all. Stay out of my womb, assholes. It's separation of church and state, not the marriage of religion and politics. Religion + politics should never happen. EVER. EVEREVEREVER! Why u so stupid reps?!

Bible Quoters: Quoting a 3k year old book or so does not validate your arguments for now. If you don't like something, say it, don't hide behind your bible. Also - you need to delve deeper into what some of those "sins" are. You're probably doing one every day. Retard.



I think that's my ranting for the day. I might add more later but I'm not sure yet. At least it's out there.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNbb4CUIdQI[/video]

This song applies to me in a lot of ways. I really love the beat and the lyrics are just fantastic.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I hate when a friend of mine ends up making me think that plans have changed.

So I asked my girlfriend when she was leaving for maine. I guess, she took it as me asking when she was leaving maine to come back to mass which wasn't what I was asking so I ended up making plans for saturday thinking that I would go up with her on Sunday to maine. So now I feel kind of like shit for making plans when she tells me today that what she had meant was leaving for home on sunday/monday. Just ugh. I hadn't planned on staying in maine for very long on saturday anyways so I might just try to get everything done that I planned on getting done anyways. I just might have to borrow my brother's car if I can convince him to let me borrow it. It just means I have to push all my plans for the day to earlier in the day - like AM ish so I have time to spend with her or something until I have a party to go to later that night. Cause I want to see her as much as possible before her leave time is up and I'm in school. It's just very frustrating since everyone wants to see her. So blah!

I'll figure all this shit out eventually.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Yeah, I'm starting to say fuck this site.

Maybe it's just because of all the timing and shit, but I really don't care.

Right now, fuck this site and everyone on it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Electric fireplay is really awesome to watch.

It doesn't matter how tough or bitchy I come off as - I'm still a human being with deep-rooted feelings.

I miss you, RC, like fucking crazy - so much so it hurts to think about you some days.

I don't want to be lonely anymore but it seems that that's the hand I've been dealt.

I wish you were here. I wish you were here.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Hang in there. You're so much a part of this site in some ways I can't imagine you not being here though I know change does happen.

Perhaps you should let that vulnerable side out more so people see it. You don't have to be strong all the time.
 
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