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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm sorry to hear that you are depressed, Hahvy. I have issues with depression, myself.

All I can really say is that I would be sad if something happened to you and we couldn't talk anymore.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I got cancelled on again by V. I'm really getting tired of this.

I'm tired of feeling disappointment.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing things wrong when I'm not.

I'm tired of being blamed for things that have nothing to do with me.

I'm tired of feeling like everything I do is all for nothing.

I'm tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try to be happy, it's not going to happen.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of being sad.

I don't want to feel anymore.

And I'm sure as hell tired of everyone telling me that "Oh he's missing out"/"He doesn't know what he's missing"/"You'll find someone."

It's bullshit. Motherfucking bullshit. All of it.

Fuck you. Just fuck everyone and everything right now.

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RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Me too!

Legs are still sore. I'm glad it's a nice day out though. I'm so sleepy and just hungry for good foods. No idea what I want to eat though. I'll figure it out though.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You know, some days I have these moments where I'm sitting somewhere and something will make me go, "I should probably be angry about this or upset about that, or excited for this," etc, but I'm not. And yet I'll have moments when I shouldn't be upset or worried about things but when they involve people that I don't know very well or want to get to know better, more intimately in that secrets are like breathing and no one knows the masks we hide behind, it's like my cage has been rattled and I'm unsettled.

I'm trying to relearn how to "go with the flow" and not force things or try to turn them in my favor. I used to be so much more accustomed to being denied things and yet I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with that. I should be deserving, right? And yet I always feel an internal chaos within myself that I can't fight or control. I don't like feeling unbalanced because of new people coming into my life because I don't know where I stand with them. Yet I keep thinking, "I'll just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens." And yet part of me just shies away from it and cries, "But I want something for once. I want this. I want it." And the chaos comes bubbling to the surface even if I hide it well.

I'm hard to read sometimes and maybe that's why I don't always look people in the eye. I don't want them to see my struggle with myself because it's a battle I don't know if I'll ever win, but I know that I can't really lose either. Yet the words sit on the tip of my tongue as if I'll turn to vapor and be swept up into the atmosphere of doubt.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

And here I am, existing in a world where existence is questioned every day like how the masses tend to follow through their days like sheep kept safe only by their own falsities and delusions. And yet, yet! My imagination keeps me safe and sane from the insanity and insecurities of my reality in a way that I am not sheep, but the Wolf watching from the back of the crowd, for the followers know I am not amongst them, and it is a lonely existence indeed. But I still have a mind to say, "At least I walk amongst the few who chose a different way."

But there is a loneliness that ceases to leave me be and so I search amongst the crowd for that Other, for that Other that is Just Like Me and yet Not Like Me. I've found Pretenders and Enchanters, Charlatans and Fiends, and turned my eyes away from them all. I will not be swayed nor fooled. And as time passes, I find myself enamored with the thoughts of not having to walk alone, as if that might save me from the damnation I feel creeping up my spine like a mechanical spider ready to strike me down with a metal barb of poison ripe for my soul. And yet this thing, this organ-this life-giver- soon becomes shriveled and heavy, like a petrified stone as I am crippled by my search to fulfill my expectations and needs. And my wanton desires- my selfish wants- further destroy the essence of my mind like alcohol tasted and tested until there is nothing of my faculties to control- especially not the words that fall from my lips like snowfall.

And yet, over the years, I've become a snarling beast, held fearful by being touched by those who might try to tame me, or at least try to reach me on that deeper level- that level of sanity that has been lost- or tucked away to keep safe. I am unsure. My mind is fogged by thoughts of a stranger that I know not enough of, though I know of their intimate embraces and kind words. What do they ask of me? Do they ask anything at all? What do they want? Is it something I can give or something I am unsure how to give? It seems to be a mixture of both good and bad, sin and pleasure, and I am unsure if I should indulge in their candy sweet lullabies or their chocolate rich words. I've been tempted even though I was unaware of being able to be ensnared. And yet I find myself in yearning of something new. Something different.

And the terror I feel is more frightful and enveloping than the loneliness that consumed me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

And so the cogwheels continue to turn inside the beautifully tainted clock that makes up the caliber of my mind that can meet all my insanity and turn it into thoughts that bloom anew in character of being understood. Yet how can I find myself when it seems the even my mind has become an enemy? That my heart shall beat in time with the wrenching of my stomach is if I were to be stabbed by the entity of vapors that contain my thoughts? How can I collaborate with my inner demon, my mortal coil that deems such wandering thoughts as if they might be garbage to be cast into the street like a petty thief? Yet how can I resist a temptation that has been dangling before me like the need to possess knowledge such as that of the fruit forbidden to us all? I can only take it and hold it dear to my soul, for it beats in time with my subconscious anthem rather than moving with the rhythm of my consciousness. I am still in fear. I am still in fear of the beautiful yet ghostly thing that my heart so desperately craves is if it had never known the touch of love's breath whispering over it's flesh so delicately. It yearns and yearns, reaching and stretching until I fear it will snap in sorrow. I do not wish to plunge deeper into the depths again, but the risk...the reward...it all seems too much for my desolate heart to take. And yet my soul and heart beat in tandem while my mind rebels.

I do not wish for thee, but thee has found me at my weakest and brought me forth to the light. Even shut in amongst the darkness once more, I remember. I remember.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I wonder if I will disappear and fall into that deep, gaping chasm of uncertainty and disillusionment. I fear the worst from strangers, and I fear even worse than that from the creatures I begin to understand at length. It is a dangerous game I play as I spin a web about myself for either protection or to draw others near. I do not know the answers, but I find myself turning towards that Rabbit Hole and wondering if my Alice is on the other side.

And if I will be saved.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Getting tired of everything. I don't like unreliable communication like texting. It also bugs me if I see someone dicking around online and I've texted them and get nothing back. It's like...duh...

But whatever I guess. Maybe wanting something more is just stupid wishful thinking.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Why is it that when people I would like to disappear off the face of the planet like they say they'll do end up coming back in odd ways? It's like...no one cares. If you're gonna leave, gtfo. Grasping for straws never helped anyone.

Gonna take Ziggy to the vet tomorrow because my poor boy is peeing blood. Or at least what looks like blood tainted pee. Hoping to hell it's a UTI and can be cured and not something really serious like Feline Diabetes, which wouldn't make much sense to me because I haven't changed his diet since I got him three years ago. Crossing my fingers here. I really hope it's something I can afford to do. I love my baby so so much. I really can't imagine him not being here.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, I guess this one is for you again. For awhile, I thought I was okay. I wasn't thinking about you as being gone so much as just not here. School kept me busy, people kept me busy, but in the quiet moments I would think about you. I wonder if I wrote a letter and burned it, would you get it? Would you somehow be able to read it? The scientist in me says that there's nothing left of you, but the rest of me, the one that mourns you and wishes for you to somehow come back believes that there has to be something left of you that I can touch beyond just your words that you left behind. You know, I thought of getting a tattoo - something small - with our initials. Not the initials for our Real names, ya know? A compass with our initials as the points since we were so about the ocean and trying to find our way. Even though, in the end, we never did. As much as the song you dedicated to me comforts me, it also tears the wound open anew. I miss you so very much. I keep thinking about how summer is on it's way and how the flowers are coming out and how you'll never see them again. I don't know how to handle this. I've lost so many people in the past year that I don't know how to handle losing you too. And I lost you more than once, but this one is final. This time, I can't talk it out and try to fix it. This time, I can't do a damn thing.

It still tears me up inside.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I want to scream instead of cry because maybe then you'd be able to hear me even while you rest in your grave. I don't know anymore, R. I don't fucking know. I miss you so damn much even after all the fighting and bullshit, I still cared. I still care or else I wouldn't be in so much pain. I hope you know that. I hope you know and knew that I still cared even when I said I didn't.

I just needed time to forgive you. Why didn't you give me that?

None of the words in the world could have made you listen to me.

And now they can't ever again. How can a month move by so slowly and yet so quickly?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Even though I know I don't like her, I don't hate her. I can't even if part of me wants to think she's to blame. There's no one to blame. And maybe I forgot that I'm not the only one hurting but she is too. It's not an olive branch, but more like acceptance and remembering that I'm not the only one affected.

I wish I could have held your hand just once.

And I'll wish for the rest of my life.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

This dark well is going to swallow me whole as my emotions rise to the surface and drown what is left of my sanity. With my whole body, I want love - to taste it and hold it in my hands again - and yet I fear more than anything to be in that vulnerable place again. It's a tug-of-war that I can't win. Maybe I should just hide myself away from the world and it's false promises. Maybe I should just stop and finally give up trying. Just lay down in the middle of this dead-end street and wait for it all to be over. I've always said I don't want to feel because emotions cause the worst of my pain, but it's more than that. I'd just rather be without instead of being left wanting.

Because if even hope hurts, what is there to live for? Yet I keep moving forward even if it feels like there's a steel chain around my neck just threatening to strangle me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc[/video]
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Its about the song in a silly package to make you smile, you're an awesome young woman, there are many people that love you. One day you'll meet someone who will love you in the way you want to be loved. He won't be what you want, he'll be more.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Yeah, I know.

Just trying to have some hope. I know my mum worries about me but she's said pretty much the same thing to me.

-hugs Anansi-
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Aww darlin you know you're special. *Cuddles* you're the only thing I've ever cared about from the Bostonish area. One day, some day, you're young, love, and be loved, tis all you can do darling.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well a small update I suppose~

I was away for the long weekend seeing my father. Thankfully no dramatic incidents occurred but some of that was because I tended to go off on my own and disappear for a few minutes at a time. [He seriously wouldn't leave me alone for longer than five minute intervals] However, my brother ended up getting a "stern talking to" for some other bullshit. Oh yeah, my father also seems to think I need to get my blood tested because he thinks I might be on the road to DIABETUS. Then again, he thinks I'm fat so it doesn't surprise me.

Anyways, Illinois was HOT AS FUCK. SCREW THAT STATE. We were in Southern Illinois and right next to the border of Missouri. It was only less than 9000 degrees in the shade. My word. I don't want to go back.

And now I'm home and happy and unhappily going to be heading into work. Oh well, I needs monies.
 
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