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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Fuck today. I had taken a really nice nap, had a wonderfully erotic dream and then all that good feeling was just shattered because of two people that were totally unrelated events. I don't think I'll ever truly get over the hurt of being both cheated on and lied to by someone I seriously loved and cared about more than I care to admit. Because neither of those things happened once and happened to be with the same person. And trust me, if I could go there and punch her in her slutty vagina, I probably would at least get some sort of closure on the entire issue. It's different when you feel like that issue is hidden like a black box that you never want to open again and something just springs the lock and it's all you can focus on.

But because of this getting pissed off and frustrated sensation, someone just had to put "oh well, dreams like that are so much better when you dream about someone you love! =)" It's like...way to just rub the salt into the wound. I'm alone, motherfucker. Which I've said many times. Some days I'm fine, some days I'm not. Today is one of those days. I get tired of seeing all the lovey-dovey bullshit and happiness because I can admit that hey, I get apathetic about all of it.

Just fuck, man.
 
Twatwaffles. Fuck the assholes. I say punch them all in the twats. Instead of taint punching, cunt punching is in order.

I'm sorry love, that people are shit heads near you. :[ -hugs and leaves in a gooey love mess- <3
 
I'm still fragile even when I'm putting on my strongest face. Which means that yeah, my feelings can be hurt without me truly showing it.

It's when I'm apathetic, cold, and heartless that you have to worry because it means that for a moment, no matter how long that moment is you mean nothing to me.
 
I think I've reached my breaking point.

I feel like it's the same song and dance only the music's been amplified and I'm trying to hear my thoughts but it's only emotion that I can comprehend and I hate it. I don't like feeling as though my emotions have overridden my normal thought processes. And well, I don't like really feeling anything at all except the ground beneath my feet, my cat laying next to me, or a blanket around me. Emotion is something I'd rather be without more often than not.

Every time I've let someone in, someone I could see potential in, someone worthwhile I've had any faith or hope or belief thrown in my face. I guess I'm a dreamer or maybe just looking in the wrong places but I'm starting to think every time I find someone "decent" that I'll just wind up with another badge on my coat of misery. It seems pretty sad that as much as I want to love someone, to have them love me, that I'm terrified of all of it.

And so I'm stuck.

I think I'll always be stuck.
 
I really hate people.

Just in general.

I could probably go on an endless rant but the only thing I can say is that I was glad it was raining out because I thought I was gonna cry.

I'm really starting to think that none of my friends would miss me if I disappeared. School is kind of...whatever. The friends I have there probably just talk to me because I'm nice. Otherwise, I don't have much to contribute. I'm just in the background. That's the thing though, it doesn't really matter if you have this dominant personality. Unless you radiate it, embrace it perhaps, no one will really see you. And when you've been kicked and ground into the dirt mentally, well, you don't even really want to be seen anyways. Yet when you do, it's like being disillusioned: you mastered being invisible.
 
I'm starting to wonder if something about me breathes of manliness. I'm not upset, I just find it amusing and cute.

However, the only thing I can honestly say about other things is that, you could have had a good thing with me. I didn't ask you to do anything you weren't ready for and yet you still acted like I was trying to harm you. Like I was wearing a mask and you kept expecting me to take it off at any minute. I have my angry moments, my disappointed moments, my hurt moments, and so on like any other person. Yet, you made me feel like I should have been apologizing at every turn around because it seemed like you couldn't handle someone who was genuinely nice and accepting of you. All of you. And then you ran away like a toddler, made up excuses, came back, and repeated the cycle. And then the whole other incident which I won't even bother with. Sorry, but you love my poetry and I won't deal with a bunch of nonsense like that. At least be honest with yourself. Sheesh.

And usually I am the type to just cut ties and let go, but I keep reading your words and just find myself shrugging. I don't know what to say to you and so I say nothing. I hope that venting in this way is beneficial to you and maybe I'm just too forgiving or whatever but I'm still trying to wrap my head about why you even bothered in the first place. Why you did some of the things you did. Why I could say ten things about how much I cared but then someone would say one thing about why I might be a liar/non-existent/meaningless/whatever and you listened to that one little thing. I don't really expect an explanation, but I think this needed to be said.

I guess, don't let the blatant callousness and inferiority complex of other people destroy you.
 
So I'm happy to say I'm starting to move away from the cloud of blackness that's been hanging over me lately. It's probably because I've been focusing on my work/school/family rather than what might be bothering me. And talking with a few people helps in that aspect. It sucks that I don't really get to hang with my offline friends, but at least I still have some friends online that I can chill with in a way. It's nice and refreshing.
 
I'm just going to be me for a minute. Yes, me. It seems so odd to start off a paragraph saying that the person typing will be themselves, but it also seems like it's fairly commonplace to be someone else. Or try. Maybe I am more different online than I figured because I feel like I'm a lot more genuine and open in a way that I can't be otherwise. Yet I always shut off or hide my emotions to keep from being one of those "needy" people because I don't want to be like that at all. I have my moments, but it's not who I am at my core. It's just a little part of me. One little particle. So I guess here's a list of what has been bothering me.

It bothers me when people talk about their relationships with me. I mean in the way that they are so happy and whatnot that it just takes up the whole conversation.

It bothers me when people talk about their sex life. And I don't mean in what they do. It bothers me when they talk about how great it is.

It bothers me when people always come to me for advice/comfort when I'm aching to speak up about my own issues and it seems like my own problems are so insignificant.

It bothers me when people seem to just assume I get all these suitors at my doorstep when no one has come knocking [minus my recent ex-boyfriend] in years.

It bothers me when people tell me to try to be happy because of the things I have. The things I have mean nothing if I can't share them with someone.

It bothers me when people call me beautiful online. I say this with my utmost honesty, that in my goddamn opinion, I am not beautiful, attractive, or gorgeous. I'm just me. And I'm only decent-looking. The only people who say I'm beautiful are my family and only a few friends. Otherwise, I never hear it.

It bothers me when my friends tell me they miss me and never bother to try to hang out with me. It happens so often that I find that I can't even really bring myself to care anymore.

It bothers me when people tell me I'll find someone. Most of the guys I have been with were because of chance encounters through friends of mine. Unless my "destiny/fate/whatever" changes, I'm not going to find someone no matter how melancholy and depressing it sounds coming from someone my age.

I don't like myself. But at least I don't hate myself anymore.
 
You can always be needy with me :] I feel you on a lot of that. There's quite a few of those on your list that bothers me too. Especially the one about the friends saying they miss you and then never make the effort to hang out. And the beautiful thing. I've never seen you, but I think you've got a lovely personality. From what I've seen of it. I like you Havoc, I think you're a great person who needs someone who will cherish you forever. It saddens me to see that you are not getting that. :[
 
-hugs Jelly- Thank you. It means a lot to read that. I think you're a wonderful person too and what happens with you is bothersome. I think we'd be awesome friends if we lived near each other.
 
To You.

I keep listening to our song, you know the one. That one I picked out for you when things seemed far far better than what they are now. But the song you sent me keeps playing in my head and all I can think is that we had pulled through that rough patch to only fall into another one and then just stopped trying to make it work. And we just kept drifting. You told me that you should have listened to me and I wish I had said the right words, not the ones from being hurt even if you needed to hear them. I think we were both too stubborn to see that we were both hurting and still cared. I still care. I hope you know that.

You don't know this but I used to write to you in class. Just stupid things. Hopeful things. Beautiful things. I kept writing as if I would meet you and finally see you and hear your voice. I kept writing you poems even after we stopped exchanging them. It was a habit even though I knew you wouldn't read them. I never published them and maybe I should. Maybe you would have seen that I still loved you, no matter what was said. That like a thief, you'd stolen a piece of my heart no matter how much I tried to take it back. That piece will always be yours. Always.

It's getting harder to think and type this out because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to say. I used to have all these words for you but they are evading me like butterflies. I just can't catch them. It's like a well has been connected to my eyes because the tears just won't stop and there's an ache in my gut and it's all just so stupid. It's so stupid, C. It's so stupid. I don't even have a picture of you, nothing physical I can hold onto. I just the words you gave me. And maybe...maybe that'll be enough.

I won't forget. I promise. I promise. Even though we couldn't keep any of our promises, I won't forget.

I love you.
 
I keep thinking about all the shit that could have been different. I keep thinking about how if I had said this instead of that or if you had said that instead of this or if you'd remembered instead of forgotten if things would be different now. I still can't believe you're gone. I miss you. I miss you so damn much and I feel so selfish for not saying a word about how much I cared before it was all over. You should be here. And I know none of these words will ever reach you but goddamnit, I have to believe that you knew. That you knew that I loved you. That even when I kept my distance until the end that I still did. I have to believe in that.

Otherwise, what the fuck did it all mean?
 
Hahvy. <3 Sometimes, I get so sad that we don't talk that much anymore, even though we really just roleplay together, but I just want you to know I'm here for you. The times we talked, you were a complete sweetheart. I consider you as important and if you ever need to talk or rant to someone, please, feel free to do so with me. I'll always be here.~

 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FznlTM5GfI[/video]

Every time I hear this song, I think of you. I remember you telling me you were glad I turned you onto this band and that you really liked them. Maybe, in this way, I can reach you. Maybe if I just keep writing I'll find a way to reach you. It's so stupid to think this way, but it's the only thing I can do besides cry and scream and I can't keep doing that. The pain in my chest will be with me for a long time and maybe it will never go away, but I'll just pretend that you're watching over me. And I'll hope that you know that I'll be thinking of you. Maybe as time goes on, I won't think of you every day. But I'll think of you until the day I die.

Save a spot for me.
 
So a record of my night:

Went with my friend Jenna to a club. Did a shot of a Redheaded Slut, had a drink that was made extra strong and then meandered around until we found our mutual friend Darby and her boytoy Andrew so I got to meet him. Hung out, had some more drinks, got chatted up by two cutie boys [I think they were gay or possibly pansexual] but that was nice either way. Went and danced a little bit, then we went outside to smoke. And I met one of the bouncers there named Valentino. We talked and I got his number and then walked back into the club to drink some more. Did another shot, chatted up a hot chick and got some kisses before going back out to smoke. More drunk at this point, talked to Valentino some more and gave him a kiss before going back into the club. I think I was done drinking at this point but the rest of it was still a blur. Valentino got me a bottle of water, helped me to the bathroom and then handed me back over to Jenna since she went to get my jacket. Stumbling drunk with her to the car was fun. I remember some of the car ride home but I only remember because I was texting people. [Texting is a good way to keep track of things, sometimes]. And then got home, threw my stuff of my bed, changed into my PJs and ungracefully passed out solid until about 7am.

And now I'm at work and gonna be going on a date with Valentino when he picks me up.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.


Waaah. Love you, Hahvy. <3
You'll have a better day tomorrow.
Or... Today, since it's almost 2:10 in the morning here.
Again, love you.~
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Good to know that I am depressed. How did I figure this out?

1) I don't want to get up in the morning. But then again, who does? Afternoons are better.
2) I can't sleep well worth a damn. I'm so exhausted my voice is now being affected.
3) I even took some sleep aids and they STILL didn't help.
4) I'd love to just get into my car and drive until it either breaks down or I crash.
5) I feel like I'm losing all hope even though I'm trying to make plans to be happy.

Also, I tend to have a short temper and much lower tolerance for things when I don't sleep enough. And not sleeping enough is just adding to all my stress. Goody!

I'm gonna take a nap. Maybe that will help. I don't know anymore. I just want to sleep and not wake up until I'm good and ready.
 
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