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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Hey you, it's been a while since I checked in but that doesn't mean you've not been in my thoughts from time to time. Life has its ups and downs and right now you're getting more than your fair share but I know you're strong and will get through it as always. I'm only a PM away or, on those rare days when I'm on them, an IM away. Hang in there! *hugs* <3
 
So I got my stationary in the mail today. It's so pretty. Just waiting on my envelopes now. <3

Right now​
Her mind is so​
U N C E R T A I N​

It really takes a lot for me to talk about my submissive side. I tend to focus more on my dominant side because it's easier than thinking I want to give in to someone. It's hard because of how independent and strong I am- and have to be. I know that it takes a strong person to be able to say, "I need you to give me what I need," and I respect those strong men and women who are wholly independent but are able to give up that control when it's necessary and needed. Maybe it's cowardly, but I'm terrified to give up that control.

I think some of it is that Josh scares me. He's not a scary guy, not at all, but I think what scares me is how unglued I become when he kisses and touches me. Part of me wants to give him, to be his "good girl" I suppose is the term I could use here, but then I try to withdraw and it is sometimes painful and disappointing. I think he sees it, but doesn't understand it at the same time. He knows I'm intimidated, that I have issues with sex and being sexual in general, but I don't think he gets how deep it runs.

I feel like if I let myself be submissive - even just that once- to enough of a degree, my dominant side will be swept away and lost.

Maybe what I'm really afraid of is losing myself. I'm not sure. It confuses me why I get so conflicted. I know I am a Switch, and yet I feel like that submissive side could destroy me. Just like I think my dominant side could destroy me. But I'm more comfortable with having control than without. Maybe he sees it, and maybe he doesn't, but I think part of him is trying to see what I've been hiding.

Talking about it is the hardest thing to do. I wonder if he knows that. We haven't been together long so I don't expect him to get a lot of my body cues, but he seems to be able to get inside my mind, so I wonder....I really hope he can figure it out.

Otherwise, I don't know if coming unglued will obliterate me or reincarnate me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You've got plenty of time to work on it and show him, since you have only just started a serious relationship. I think we all feel that tug and pull between safety and comfort and the desire to open up to someone, to give a little of ourselves. You'll just have to figure out through trial and error if it is worth it to risk it with him. In the end, if you take the risk and submit and he(worst case scenario; I have no idea what your fears really are in this situation) he rejects you or something, what have you lost that you wouldn't have lost anyway if you kept him closed off and in the dark? Control cannot always protect you, especially if it ends up forcing you to be alone...

But like I said, it is still really early and there is plenty of time yet to grow together with him and learn and find a comfortable zone with him. =)
 
Thanks, I appreciate it. But it's more of being afraid to submit cause I don't know how deep it runs, I guess. And trying to find an equilibrium, and there is the rejection, too along with just trying to figure out where my balance is. I know I have a need/want to submit, but I guess I'm worried about it happening with the wrong person? I dunno.

And yeah, it is really early. I just worry cause it's so easy to just get swept up. We haven't done anything serious, so it's just like...wtf am I worrying about? I think it's because I think too much. Lol.
 
I hate being sick. I'm all stuffed up so I can't really breathe and probably sound like an inflated chipmunk. Or a whiny child whenever I talk. I'll have to ask Josh to get me some meds when he comes over because I'm seriously out of it enough that I don't think trying to drive to the nearest store is a good idea. Plus, I'm doing laundry and have to shower...and just too many things since I have to go to work. I'm taking next week off so I kind of have to take my shifts in order to have some cash that I'll need to get some tattoos done and to get some bills paid.

Yay responsibility.
 
I hate how tense I feel after conversations that I'm not sure how they went though they seemed fine. I always get that feeling that I'm too much for someone to handle and then eventually I just mellow out. It takes awhile, but eventually I get re-centered. Being sick doesn't help though. I seriously want this cold to go away.
 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kez3WmaQ-Cs[/video]

Tell yourself its over now
Try to kill a broken vow
If only you could find the strength to kill the memories
These empty pages never turn
You lit the flame and let them burn
You tried to bury me so deep what lies beneath

Will your hope die alone
Will you fade on your own
Can you just turn away and let me go

Lie to me
You can feel
That this love was never real
Walk away
You can learn to love again

Lie to me
You can leave
I'll still be here when you see
You're not alone
You don't have to run again
Leave me in denial

All your secrets crawl inside
You keep them safe, you let them hide
You feel them drinking in your pain to kill the memories
So close your eyes and let it hurt
The voice inside begins to stir
Are you reminded of all you used to be
Can you just turn away and let me go

Lie to me
You can feel
That this love was never real
Walk away
You can learn to love again

Lie to me
Watch me bleed
Cause I'll still be here when you see
You're not alone
You don't have to run again
Leave me in denial

All the pain you fed
Starts to grow inside
It lives again and you can't let it die
So you believe you'll never find
A reason to love again

Lie to me
And watch me bleed
I'll be here when you see
You're not alone
You don't need to run

Lie to me
Watch me bleed
Cause I'll still be here when you see
You're not alone
You don't have to run again
Leave me in denial

You can learn to love again
Leave me in denial
You can learn to love again
Leave me in denial


When I hear this song, it makes me think of how I used to be and part of how I still am. I have secrets that tear me apart and yet I keep them close. Sometimes all I wanna do is dwell in my own pain until it consumes me and I drift away. And yes, there is a voice that reminds me of how I used to be. Sometimes I become afraid, angry, or filled with agony. And sometimes I get so caught up in memories that I'd rather be left alone.

But then I remember how far I've come, how many trials I've gone through in my short life, and now I'm more of the person singing the song instead of the person being sung to. Eventually we change. But we can only change ourselves. We can't always live in the hurt, the suffering, and the agony. We can't always let ourselves drown just because it's easier or because it's simply too hard to drag ourselves out from under the six feet of dirt we've been buried beneath.

Eventually we stop living in denial and learn to love again.
 
So I keep thinking that something is not right. My stomach has finally settled from the feeling drifting off due to working my ass off today to get my mind off shit. I'm the type who's mind like to makes shit up to drive me nuts when I start a new relationship. I question things that make no sense to question or there isn't really any reason to question them in the first place. So it drives me nuts and makes me look either needy or clingy or something stupid. Like a dumbass, to put it bluntly. A needy dumbass.

I think a lot of the problem is that I haven't been in a real, decent relationship in years and neither has my boyfriend so I think we're both a little out of whack with this one. I feel like I'm getting swept up and I'm not sure how he feels. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know how close I'm getting or how close he's getting. It's all confusing and has barely been three weeks. [Seems so long to be honest.] And I know some of the problem is that we're both fucked up. He's scared shitless to fall in love again and I'm the type with my foot halfway out the door thinking I'll need to run if it ends. What a pair we are, huh? I'm not afraid to love again and he's the type to stick around if he's still feeling the relationship unless there's nothing left to gain or there's no feelings left.

Just fuck, man.
 
Well......that was short lived.

We broke up.

I want to scream and cry and yet I feel myself getting numb. It seems it was just too much too fast and so we're gonna start back up as friends and see where it goes.
 
You know, they say things doesn't work out like you want or planned...but for once...just once...I'd like something to work with someone.

Maybe I am right. Or my 16 year old self may have been.

I don't know.

I feel like this will always be my life.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Do not lose hope! This is still a new relationship. It could still go somewhere. Just work on building that base that something more can grow out of.
 
We broke up. There is only friendship.

I'm not gonna delude myself with thinking it will be a relationship in the near or even distant future.

It will be whatever it will be.
 
Yup. Today sucks too.

Well at least I can dye my hair and be a lazy fuckhead until I decide to do whatever it is I want. I have class at 2:30pm and then FREEDOM. 'Course, I still have an assignment to do but what the fuck ever. I can do that after class.
 
Sometimes I just want to rip people apart for no real reason other than that they show* me some weakness. I want to tear them down into nothing and then watch them try to build themselves up.

I know it might sound awful and terrible, but it is what it is.

Totally wasn't thinking on that last part. My mind was like "This word works" when it obviously doesn't.*
 
Right now I regret playing soccer because I don't know if I can make my boots fit my legs...

I even got them a size bigger just to avoid this issue....

LUCKY ME THAT THAT DIDN"T SOLVE IT.
 
Making slow progress with my boots. At least I'm happy with it. Just gonna take some time and adjustment to get the straps to fit correctly.

In other news:

I miss being in Ireland. I really want to go there again. I wish I had been able to go for vacation or something, but I can't afford it. One of these days, though, I'll be going back there. I don't know for how long, but it's where I wanna go.
 
Going to attempt to get published so any feedback on my poetry is appreciated!

In other news:

I'm gonna chill with my mum today. I miss her a bit so it will be fun to just chill and hang out. I need to get my oil changed first in my car, but I'll be doing that soon enough.
 
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