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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Just not feeling it today.

Been listening to music to try to reset my mood. It's not really helping. Writing kind of helped, but I might just write in my notebook or something. I don't know. I'm trying to think of how to properly arrange my thoughts but I can't. It's like trying to speak but your voice has been stolen. I keep trying to type something that really grasps how to get this out of my system, and yet I feel like it's just visual masturbation - no real satisfaction.



I feel like I'm screaming and yet nothing is happening. Why? I don't understand.
 
I don't know what to say to you. I only know the words are trapped in songs I cannot sing and so I link them to you hoping that you'll listen and understand. I'm not easy to love, and I don't love easily. I always thought I chained and locked my heart up so tight that no one could slip past the metalwork that I patched over it. Very few have been able to reach that far inside of me and make me want to keep them around.

Goddamnit. I'm not a child, I'm not fragile. I know what I want so don't take the choice of something better- something worthwhile- something that could be beautiful away from not just me - but you as well. Just give it a chance.

I wouldn't say any of this if I didn't think it was worth the risk. I don't risk my heart easily and never like this - so please, just give it a chance. Just fucking give it a chance.
 
FOUND IT! Along with all my handouts. Fuck yeah.

I hate boxes. And all this crap I have to unpack.

I should be a traveling poet. =x Like they did in the old days.
 
To anyone who gives a shit:

I'm taking a break. It probably won't be for very long. Who knows? I might forget I'm even taking this break. And come back later tonight for all I know. Who cares, right?

I'm going to sever all emotional ties with everyone. Everyone.

I've never been much for giving a shit. And now I won't.

Now I'll really be a frigid bitch who shows emotion but doesn't feel it.

I was so much safer and better off in high school. At least then it really stuck.
 
Hahvoc, when you return, and if you wouldn't mind, I would like to have a chat with you.
 
Can't I just be irrational like once in my life? Jeez, guys.

It's cool, I'm fine. Just needed to cool my head and figure out what the fuck I was doing.

It's all good.

And Rory, I should hit you buuuuut you're in Jersey. WHICH SUCKS COMPARED TO THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS MASS. Because...derp, NY.

You're a dork. =P

But on a more serious note:

I sometimes get swept up in my emotions. It happens when I least expect it and it's hard to outlet it properly. So there you have it. I get "emotional." It's rare, but fuck, it happens.
 
What? How dare you have emotions, you're too bad ass for that Hahvy.

Lol, jk. Glad you're back because I would have been sad had you left.
 
I didn't plan on leaving long anyways. Just like two days or so to clear my head and shit and just focus on my school shit. [Which never happens anyways.]

But thanks, guys.
 
-pats- Everyone is entitled to get swept up in their emotions, luv. And those who care the most about you are entitled to overreact with their caring. :] Anyways, I've been following your journal for a while now, and I just want to say you're doing an amazing. Just keep your head up and keep pushing on. The treasure that you'll find among the shit that is life will be well worth it for you.
 
Thank you.

I like rory and his hournal was aweomse and yeah I've been dirinking and wooo! STOP LAUGHING damn roommiate that I love and stuff.

But yeah, I'm having a goood time and whatnot. so yeah! FUCKING AWSEOM
 
Going to bed.

It's times like these in the quiet stillness that I want to be curled up in your arms while you talk and stroke my hair until I fall asleep.

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVN2b0DdZAQ&ob=av2e[/video]
 
Well, class was cancelled. Lol. It was a nice surprise but not so much because I was already at campus when I found out. Oh well. Since I'm bored and it seems the new thing is to put vids into journal posts [not that I'll be doing this very often regardless] I've just been enamored with Hollywood Undead's newest album. I KNOW. SHOCKING. [But I thought she only liked metal?!] Untrue. I like other music if I like the beats, harmony, and lyrics/vocals. But I really like this one song and it inspired my idea for my Wolf Tattoo. If music can't move you, then what can?

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFnE2_DUhbs&ob=av2e[/video]
 
[Just Because.]

As I sit here at work, my thoughts surely turn to you. I think about the things we've said, the amount of progress we've seem to have made in a short amount of time and I just wonder if this will be what we both seem to need, want, and crave.

I have doubts, but they really have nothing to do with you. They are my own, my own worries and insecurities and shortcomings. I've always been the type to feel like whoever I'm with will just one day up and leave. I try not to think this way, but the story behind it is what bred this indecision and constant feeling of, "When will they leave..."

When you came back, I was surprised, shocked, and almost confused. Most people who have said goodbye to me have surely meant it as a final farewell. My heart was in my throat, wondering if you honestly meant it. And then I read it. All your words and I just...faltered. Not in a bad way, not in a bad way at all. I faltered in my faith that people would always leave. But then you came back. It really was that surprising.

A part of me loves the person that you are and the man that you can surely become, but I also care and respect the man that you are in my heart. You've taken up a space that I thought would be vacant for a long time. I've grown fond of you, in a purely romantic and personal way. But I know that this is blossoming slowly and steadily like a rose during the spring. It's delicate, this bond between us.

I've also come to realize that the pace we've set is something that I also need. I was ready to jump into it, without much thought until I really took a step back and thought...I can't do that. I have to be fair to you and myself. You do have a bit of my heart in your hands, though. That much is true.

Closing my eyes, I keep imagining what it might be like for you to come visit me at work and grin at me like you had some secret, your hands moving to caress my cheek and hair. I have a secret love for your hands. They are just elegant and strong and make me feel like once I held one, I would always feel safe.

Every morning I've woken up with your name on my lips as if I can summon you to me, to make this more real. But I know that can wait.

This courtship is a waiting game, but I'm prepared to wait for you. I want to wait for you and so I will. A song keeps playing in my head that reminds me of you, but I don't know if I should show it to you yet. I feel like maybe it would be too much or maybe just enough. My doubts keep surfacing like dead bodies after a storm - I can't hide them from myself. Yet, I also said I would talk to you about these doubts and thoughts of mine.

I didn't realize how much I had to say until it was all written down and yet it still doesn't seem like enough. Yet I'm still not sure what else to say. I guess to make the tone less serious, I will say that thinking about you, that want to have what I can't just yet makes me burn in fiery arousal for what your touch might do to me. It's like holding my hand over a flame and knowing that if I lower it, I could get burned but the burn would be so sweet. Like the feeling of wax down my skin.

But I will quote the song, just so you know how I am feeling. I feel like lyrics can help a lot in situations like this. Even if it is unoriginal.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
 
Today is just one of those days where I'm tired and just feel like writing, but I'm not sure what I want to write. Maybe I should write about how I'm not sure why people can be drawn to me. I really don't. I don't see myself as someone extraordinary or special in any way. [But I am awesome! Haha!] I have my flaws, my many flaws, and my good qualities, but I wouldn't think of myself as someone that would be that "one" person every wants to get to know or connect with somehow. Or keep around.

I've found that as much as I've been friends with certain people for years, there are few that I can be around after not talking for months and feel like we never stopped our conversation. That's comfort. But it's not like that with all my friends [very very few in fact]. I'm more connected/converse more with the people I associate with here than I do my RL friends. When I put it out there, it sounds pretty pathetic, I think. But I think a lot of it is that I just happen to keep to myself.

I do find that I get along with most people just in general. I don't really do much, to be honest. I'm just nice on a general basis though aloof. I don't share myself easily even in a general sense of the word. Outside of here, I put in my headphones and let the world slip away. I say hello to people I see/know from class and then my mind is shifted back to my music. Music is my one constant in life. I can always find music that suits my mood and thoughts and inspire my writing. I always enjoy finding something new to listen to that fits just what I couldn't say.

As much as I am a reserved person, I tend to give of myself easily to people I feel who deserve it. Sometimes, this backfires on me and I lose a friend, but growing up is a learning process and not everyone is out to get me. And so I ease up a little on myself when I trust the wrong person or trust too much. Everything is about learning and growing and getting to know yourself better.

I tend to know myself very well. Yet I'm still staying away from the nooks and crannies that hide that devil I know exists within me. Eventually I'll delve a little further, but I'm more focused on learning of my better qualities and accepting myself as a person. A worthy person at that.
 
I can definitely relate to you, Hahvoc. I wouldn't call being an independent pathetic, though. If you get along better by yourself most of the time, then good on you. It's good to have a few close friends than a lot of distant ones--and I'm not talking miles here.
 
I miss you and hope to talk to you soon. I have the feeling we will have a lot to talk about, but that's all right.

Waiting on my friend Tammy to get her bum over here to take me with her to get her tattoo. And I have to do my notebook before my lab today. Feel like I might be pressed for time depending on when she gets here/how long it takes for her tattoo.
 
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