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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I talked to two professors [one my advisor] about getting into Bio Seminar.

I seriously might not be able to get into her class. I can't fit my schedule to change it to get into her other bio seminar class because it's impossible. I made my schedule to fit her 8am class and now I might seriously not be able to get into it.

If I can't, then I'll have to talk to my advisor about getting into another seminar class at another school. If that doesn't work out, then a summer class. If that doesn't happen, then next semester.

I seriously just hate my school right now.
 
Sad to say, the universe hates me.

I can't get into any of the bio seminar classes offered at my school because: I'm taking other classes I need in order to graduate. THANK YOU SO MUCH, SALEM STATE.

Whatever. -_- At least I get to do my research thing with shark specimens.
 
Some Days Are Chaotic:

A lot of the time, it doesn't even apply to what's going on around me, but just what is in my head. I feel like my thoughts get so vast, indepth, and jumbled up that I don't even know what happened. It's a good reason why I write, but it also impacts how I write. Roleplaying seems to be slipping out of my grasp - like my motivation for it is there but then it becomes a task to focus all that mental energy into formulating a post that just eludes me. I had all these great ideas hashed out with a few people and then it was like...there's nothing. I couldn't form replies.

Poetry for me- as I've reiterated almost to the point of redundancy- is like breathing for me. I have to write them and it's almost like an obsession to just get the words out. I get inspired by minute things, people and their problems, looks, or vibes I get. I get inspired by just walking outside - words stringing together into sentences that plague me all day until I write them down. It can be refreshing and irritating all the same - Especially when you can't find the right words.

And then there are people. Amongst people on BMR and outside of it, I find myself wondering about people who I don't even really talk to or just talk to every so often. And find that I want to get to know that person more and more because just something about them speaks to me to do so. Maybe because some little part of me wants to know their fears - which wouldn't be far off considering- and just know their problems. I like being able to help and seeing or reading those problems when the person has been nice and humorous makes it more...almost necessary. Yet, you don't want to be a creeper stalker, right?

However, I tend to get drawn to people I shouldn't let myself gain any attachments to. It usually doesn't work out - especially in the case of BMR - whom I probably wouldn't really meet. Yet I still continue to try to get to know those particular people if they seem interesting and not sheep-like.

And it can't be helped that I go a little school-girl-crush when someone writes a poem for me. XD It hasn't happened before so it makes me happy when I get something like that.

End of thought process.
 
I really hate the days that all I wanna do is be lazy, fuck, and snuggle. Especially when I want to do all three. It just weighs me down a lot since I really have no one to do the last two with. It sucks being alone, but it's more like I just want someone to just be here.

I'm hoping things will get better when I move.
 
I think I've become so emotionally reserved that I can't really let myself get too involved in sexual play. And I feel like my ex ruined me in that kissing other guys is always just...meh. Not always bad but never so good I crave more of it. It really upsets me. =/
 
I really think I need to associate with people either my age or older. Ugh.

My friend Tay had like this break down last night when I told him I thought we should just be friends and not really do anything with each other sexually. Since, ya know, we've only known each other a few days and I don't really adjust to new people unless I feel a real solid connection. I also have to remember he's 18 and has a very defeatist attitude - especially when I said flat out I didn't want to date him.

I get that he's also in a lot of pain all the time, but I didn't like hearing that he pretty much wanted to be around me all the time because his leg stopped hurting when he was around me. And he also insulted me a few times because he stupidly and wrongly assumed that because I'm on Fetlife that all I wanted to do was hook up and fuck and he said he was sorry for that, but that just stuck.

I told him we were still friends because I get why he had so many misconceptions. I just wish they hadn't involved me. He's not a bad kid, but he needs a lot more experience just learning more about himself and such.

And it's interesting to know that he knows I wasn't bullshitting about my emotional/mental fucked-up-ness. And said he was sorry that I had so many scars of that caliber. But I told him it was my burden and no one elses, which he doesn't understand.

It just makes me think if I hadn't answered his message if I could have kept him from seeing how dark someone else's world can be or if he actually learned something from his time with me so far.
 
Honestly, it's probably good for him. He sounds like a decent kid, but a naive one as well. Sometimes people need to be around certain people to gain experience (on any level, doesn't matter what ones) so that they can grow and develop and learn. It's just how we all mature as people. We learn from others. Sometimes directly. Sometimes indirectly. Sure, we can read and and such on various things, but nothing beats actually experiencing things to gain knowledge. Sounds to me like his eyes were opened a bit. And that's a good thing. And it's good he realizes that just because you're on Fet and/or in the lifestyle does NOT mean you just want to hook up and such. That might be for some people, but it's hardly the whole. And I think he learned that as well. So really, in a way, it's good you were able to teach him some things about people, life and choices.
 
I think a lot of his problem is that he wants to be in love again, and I know the feeling, but I think he got it into his head that he thought maybe he could hope for something like that with me. Then he kind of was head-spinning on that idea and realized that it wasn't something I had wanted. And yeah, he is young. He has some experience - like being heart broken and cheated on- but I think he really needs to grasp that wanting something doesn't always = needing it or getting it.

He's doing good with his journals on Fet about what he's learning but he does have a long way to go.
 
Welp, my mind is now a jumbled up mess and I don't know how to reclaim it. Might put out some poetry, might not. Not sure what to do at the moment. Just not feeling like myself right now.
 
I feel like I was just told to go away. It's not a feeling I like and I know that no one likes being told that either literally, metaphorically, or in some medium. I've grown to care about someone I hadn't thought I would feel that way for, but I do and I don't want to change that or try to push for more or anything. Things go at their own pace, and I won't force things to go the way I want or how fast I want. I just...right now I just feel sad.

People make decisions in life that have nothing to do with me [which is obvious] and when personal things are put out in the open, whether true or not, people fear rejection the most. I've been there so many times that I know that feeling and try to keep the people I care about from feeling anything like that from me. I may not support 'bad' decisions, but I still support the person who made them regardless because I'm just like that. I just care like that. It's your life, not mine, but I want to keep you in my life, and that's why no matter what - if I start to care about you on a deeper level, I'll do what I can to make you feel accepted. It's really all I can do. I can't hold your hand forever, but I can offer you a helping hand when you need one.

I can be the rock you cling to when you feel like you'll fall. Just don't shut me out. It's worse than anything you could say or do besides walk away completely.
 
I miss him.

I just hope he knows that I'm still here like I've always been. I just wonder if I ruined it - whatever it may or may not be.
 
When all the words you write seem to just disintegrate when you expected them to have some sort of impact? And when you try talking to someone you're dying to get to know and it seems like they are too distant to let you know more? I know what it's like because I can be like that. I can be cold and distant or afraid and distant. Yet, when I try to reach out, I put myself out there in a way that leaves me vulnerable and I feel I do it so little that it makes my emotions explode and I don't know how to put the lid that covered them back on. I can feel everything I don't normally let myself feel: Yearning, pain, fear of rejection, nervousness, anxiety, hope, longing. That secret want to fall in love with someone new.

It's like I've served up my heart and hope that he sees it. I don't know how or why I'm like this or why I get shocked with how I connect with someone in such a way but it scares the absolutely shit out of me. It's like being pulled so hard in two directions that I want to scream and cry at the same time. Love has always had a painful edge for me. Yet I keep craving it. I keep hoping, just hoping that whatever crush I develop on someone doesn't blow up in my face. It seems like so much to put on someone's shoulders, but it's my own burden. I don't expect them to reciprocate those feelings or that longing for something better.

I just have hope. And some days, I feel like it's killing me.
 
--+Hahvoc Requiem+-- said:
Yet, when I try to reach out, I put myself out there in a way that leaves me vulnerable and I feel I do it so little that it makes my emotions explode and I don't know how to put the lid that covered them back on.
Click to expand...

This, right there, says a lot to me. Perhaps, as hard as it is to do, you need to put yourself out there more and more. Doing so might, in time, help modulate your emotions better so that you don't have that explosive feeling every time. I know, easier said than done, but just a gut observation looking in from the outside.
 
I feel like my cheeks are gonna crack from smiling so wide. I don't think a lot will be able to bring me down today. I'm moving out of my apartment, had a wonderful message to wake up to, and just feel awesome!

HELL YEAH TODAY IS GREAT!
 
Sometimes life throws a curveball at you and you really aren't prepared for it. But as adults, we have to just accept it and learn to handle it because sometimes that curveball can be the difference between a bad day and a good day, losing someone or meeting someone.

When I think about my "intellectual affair" with him, it just gives me butterflies. I await for whatever else he has to say to me, likening it to some historical romance in which a courtship is formed through letters and messages, trying to touch but knowing it can't quite happen yet.

When we first started talking, it felt like there was three feet of steel between us. Now it's only an inch of glass and I keep pressing my fingers to it, hoping to catch a glimpse of him looking at me. It's scary and exciting, and just heart-warming to know I'm not the only one standing in front of the glass. It's hard to go slow with it, but I'd rather not ruin something so strong yet fragile in emotion and feeling.

He occupies my thoughts and I just drift into them. It's a good feeling. I don't want it to go away.
 
Awe, I'm happy for you, Hahvy.

I hope that I can have that feeling with you know who.

I love you.
 
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