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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You know, I realized how much I don't care about people who used to be really important to me. There have been several of these types that have come and gone, and it occasionally makes me wonder why they were so important in the first place. It begs the question of, "What makes you so special?" Maybe there was something I thought I saw and then realized it was just an illusion. People do tend to put on facades after all - especially to get things they want or think they want.

However, some important people tend to stay important because they are worth my time and effort to keep that friendship going. You know who you are and I'm very appreciate to have you guys in my life and not have to deal with incessant petty drama and bullshit lies. It's nice to know that there are genuine people who are upfront and honest about who they are and what they are about.

I usually don't revisit topics like this, but I woke up in a bad mood and would love to go see some of those now unimportant douche canoes and punch them. Hard. In the face.

But that's more of my irritation talking. Otherwise, I'd just laugh at them because I'm in a much better place without them. And it's awesome.

Hoping that today gets better and not worse. I'd like to have a nice Saturday.
 
Probably won't be on much today since I'm just too stressed out to really be useful and I'm just gonna take some time to myself. Seems I'll be doing that a lot. Who knows. Gonna read and write some stuff while at work and then gonna hang out with my friend Josh and go to a bar and just have fun. I haven't had fun in awhile so we'll see how this goes.

Did a shit ton of unpacking today so that's good. Still need to do another two loads of laundry, but at least it's all clean and actually in my drawers. [Holy shit!] I can't assemble my desk because I can't find the screwdriver and well...that sucks. =/

I just don't know. I'm either walking on eggshells or walking on clouds and I can't keep doing that. I also can't keep thinking about everyone else and making sure they are happy when it compromises my personality. Right now I'm too much of a jumble of emotions: I just wanna either scream, cry, yell, throw things, or just be curled up in his arms. And I know none of that is going to happen or help me. I'm just gonna suck it up and pretend that I'm fine. Because I have to. I'm not allowed the choice of being "unstable" and showing it. So there's that. I don't know what else to even write. I'm just...in a fucked up mess of emotion and thought right now, and I have no idea what's gonna happen. I just hope I didn't mess things up. Again. But if I did...then I can only say I'm sorry and leave it be.
 
I actually did the entire bit: screaming, crying, throwing, yadda, yadda. Helped to get that pent up emotion out. It was turning my mind into a toxic wasteland. Emotional purging is good for the mind and body sometimes. You'll get to a happier, more stable place. I would add the word 'eventually,' but that only makes people ask when.
 
So I probably did fuck up. I can apologize all I want and mean it with every ounce that makes me who I am, but it doesn't mean anything if they can't accept it. Maybe I did cross a line, maybe I finally pushed too much, and maybe I'm really not worth it. My head keeps spinning trying to think of what I could say, but it all turns up blank. I've said my sorries, I've cried, I'm vented, but it's not enough. I don't know how to prove myself anymore. I know that people need space, but it kills me to just....be ignored. Maybe I'm just being whiny and selfish, who the fuck knows? I'm just tired and my heart hurts.

Goddammit, I care about you, you know that...But maybe that's just..I don't know. I don't know what else to say.

So I'll just leave you alone. For good.
 
:[ This makes my mustache sad. I'm really tired of reading about you dealing with these dicks you can't appreciate your beauty, your brains, your everything. These assholes need to wake and see that there will never be anyone better than you, that you are the best. You are so worth it, you're worth walking through glass and hobo piss just to impress.

Who isn't worth it? These twatwaffles who keep leading you on with their sweet nothings, then realizing that they don't want what you have to offer them. You're far too much for them. I swears it. :] Chin up, Dove. You're strong and amazing, you'll find someone who will be worthy of you.
 
Awe, MJB. <3 This made my day to read.

But my V-day actually went amazingly well. Went on a date with a guy I had met last week or so through my girlfriend Tammy. [She's so amazing. <3 Technically been "dating" for about 6 years now but we're open and she knows me so well.. XD] And so she introduced me to her friend Josh. We hit it off like THAT. He's seriously wonderful with intoxicating kisses and can read me so well that it kind of surprises me since I've never had someone say, "You're so easy to read." But I account that to him being older than me. [27] And he's also got a lot of the same thought-processes as I do.

I think the best thing was that I said I wanted to lose weight and he said I didn't have to, but if I wanted to, he had some ideas [both sexual and non-sexual] in order to lose the pounds. He also made it sound supportive instead of like some people have said to me, which was: "Well, you really aren't THAT fat." He also made it competitive with a prize for every pound I dropped. So now I have motivation to get started. [Competitive person through and through.] We also might find time to work out together. ;D

But yeah, I felt...safe. And amazingly comfortable. I told him about some of my issues with sex and he just took it in stride. I was kind of floored. I really felt like I could tell him anything. I told him about my poetry, some of my phobias, deepest fears. He told me he has mild PTSD because of being in Iran and Iraq but that it's easy for him not to slip into it with me around. [Heart flutter~] We talked about music, cars, just random things. Our parents and our upbringing. Had wonderful dinner, spending time together. It felt like I had known him so much longer than I actually do.

His kisses are just intoxicating. I can feel them down to my toes, which I haven't felt since I was with Blaine. So that was just a wow-factor. And he was just as addicted as I was. He wasn't a bullshitter and was just honest with me. He liked how chill and relaxed I could be and my ability to switch between being chill and being serious. And he loves cuddling. =] So we ended up cuddling and falling asleep together. And waking up next to him was really nice. And he always pulled me in closer and stroked my hair, giving me little kisses on my cheek and forehead. I love that shit. I LOVE it. I just felt so precious and cared for.

He was also nice enough to drive me to school and I was seriously sad to see him go and I know he was too. I miss kissing him and being around him so much already and he has had similar thoughts and yearnings. It's almost funny.

We have plans for dinner on Sunday after he and I are both done with work. He's gonna stay over again and we're gonna go for a walk in the cemetery that's about a fifteen minute drive. It's so beautiful and I think he'll like it.

Overall, I definitely am thinking that we're headed into relationship territory. And fast. =] But I'm not pushing it. Just going with the flow.
 
So Josh and I made it official last night and of course, he asked me again this morning just to be sure. =] We had a nice breakfast and fun time snuggling. That man gets me. <3 He's great.
 
Congratulations! That's wonderful news! If he ever breaks your heart I will hunt him down and rip his balls from his crotch and wear them as earrings. :] Just sayin'

I doubt I'd have to do so.
 
Gonna try writing a short story today.

Hope it goes over well.

I've found that once someone abruptly drops me from their life and there is a reintegration, I'm more closed off than I was before I even became friends with them. Yay defense mechanism. My lack of trust knows no bounds.

Regardless, my day isn't half-bad. And that short story idea has been drilling at me so I will see if I can write it after my last class today.
 
Right now my roommate can go fuck herself.

I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy pretty much every time I open my mouth to say something about something she has done. Not even maliciously, not even with IRRITATION in my voice. Just making a goddamn observation and saying, "Oh hey, just let me know when---" and yadda yadda.

Pretty much every day this week she has been in my room watching TV when I'm not home. I haven't really cared because my TV is the only one right now with a cable box. However, I came home from school today to just see her chilling in my room watching TV again. All I said was, "hey, could you let me know when you're gonna be in here? I'm not kicking you out, I'm just saying to let me know is all." She says okay. I ask her how class was. She says okay. I can see the color changing in her cheeks that show she's gonna start crying. Right now, I have no fucking sympathy for that. I go to brush out my hair and I see her walk back to her room with all her stuff. I ask if she's crying. I get no answer. At this point, I'm just exasperated. I go into my room and just shut my door.

It's not like this has only happened once. This happens almost every time I say something to her about informing me of shit she's gonna do.

I've said to her SEVERAL times, that she needs a bigger backbone if she's gonna be living with me. She said that's fine. I've said she's gonna have to talk to me about shit because I'm not her bitchy mother who thinks that being silent means everything will just "go away." She said okay.

So far, I feel like the BIGGEST prick for being MYSELF. We've been living together for three weeks. A good percent of the time we are fine. But when this happens, it's a fucking waterworks show because she is practically unable to talk about things that bother her. It bugs the absolute shit out of me. First because she's crying and I hate watching women cry, and secondly, because it's like...are you shitting me right now? I'm not mad, I"M NOT EVEN IRRITATED, and you're crying like I fucking slapped you? Oh, hell fucking no.

I tell her shit to get her to stop crying. I'm not lying when I say these things to her, but it's also like, I'm not gonna compromise myself to make someone else feel better. That's not how it works for me. I'll tone down my language or how I talk, but I'm sorry, I won't change that part of myself to spare someone's feelings. I just won't. I'm not built that way.

So right now, my roommate can suck it up.
 
Well I just realized I didn't delete my rant, but I'm just gonna leave it up anyways. It was a misunderstanding, but venting about that was helpful just because some of it was something I needed to get off my chest. Anyways.

I finally got my short story written up and I'm very proud of it. I've never really completed a short story, so I'm excited that I finally did it. =]

Probably gonna go nap. Lol.
 
Well fuck.

As much as today has been good, it's also sucked. I didn't get to see Josh today like planned because he got a stomach bug half-way through the day. [A bit miffed, but it's like..what can you do?] It's not like he planned to get sick or something. I think a lot of it has to do with him rushing around and not getting enough sleep. Retard.

My roommate made dinner again, which I love her for. Honestly, I don't like to cook when it really is just for me. I usually go for cheap and easy when it comes to making food for myself so having her around to help feed me is a huge bonus and I'm seriously grateful to her. So I'm making cookies. <3

But, today was also pretty sad.

I went to my Uncle Larry's funeral. In my family, there have been about three deaths in as many weeks. I never really got to know my Uncle Larry or my Uncle Jimmy who had also recently passed away, but I always saw them during important family gatherings. However, I didn't expect the well of emotions that would show up. It seems selfish to say that I wasn't exactly sad that my uncle had passed away. He had been suffering for a very long time, but I was sad for my Nana- who was his sister. Yet, that wasn't the reason that I almost started crying at the wake.

I thought of Ashley.

I kept thinking of the words my mother and I exchanged at her wake, the depth of sadness that permeated the funeral home that her wake had been held at. I kept thinking of all the memories I had missed and the memories I would never again make with her. As I said, it seems selfish when my family was either melancholy about the whole thing or numb from trying not to cry. All I could do was think of my cousin Ashley and how much the weight of grief would crash over me when my Papa finally passed away.

I thought of how my Papa should have been at his BIL's wake.
I thought of how young my cousin had been.
I thought of how my Papa was being taken care of by a stranger.
I thought of how my aunt had fallen apart.

And I thought about how any promises or dreams I had involving my Papa or my cousin had been burned into dust a long time ago.

And how I miss them both so fucking much.
 
Maybe I'm just a facade. Like everything I am is just an act I've put together to protect myself over the years until some part of me made it all real. Yet I know that I am not "fake" in that way. I know that everyone has a face they put on, sometimes it is their real face and sometimes it is a warped persona of that face. I'm just starting to wonder where my real face starts and my persona takes over.

It's an odd thing to think about perhaps, but everyone has their demons. I wonder if mine is being myself. Or being able to get comfortable with the fact that I can be a monster, that I can be some animal that only wants to destroy. And yet I have that other side that cries out at the insanity that has been festering inside of me. Like an innocent that has seen a massacre and can do nothing to change it.

How can you trust anyone when you're at war with yourself?

Sometimes I feel like if I ever really got down into the grit of my imagination - of that fucked up little mind of mine, I would find something truly gruesome. I remember thinking of a story of a mad scientist who partakes in the removal of organs from people who are still alive and awake during the process but applies different stages of anesthesia to either dull, eliminate, or enhance the pain of it all. He doesn't discriminate except with one thing: All the subjects are beautiful in some way to this maniac. As the story progressed in my mind, the scientist comes across a man who fell in love with his work and wanted to do anything in order to be the scientist's lover. And so the experiments took on a perverted edge - a very D/s style perverted edge.

As much as I don't like movies about doctors doing crazy fucked up experiments or even the thought of being near a doctor or in a hospital, as soon as the story took on that Demanding, Controlling, and Perverted edge, I was turned on so badly that I couldn't take it. Maybe because it moved away from the bloodshed that it was fine, but my mind kept pushing for that sick release and the next phase of experiments.

Maybe I am just more messed up than I thought. Or maybe there really is some part of me yet to be explored. Either way, I don't know which is worse.
 
Right now​
Her mind is so​

C H A O T I C
​

It's just one of those days where I have to keep writing. It's like my mind won't let me rest - especially being at work where I feel like I'm going so slow that I'll burst into little microscopic particles of energy and light. I feel like I'm just gonna crawl out of my skin into some beautiful beastly figure that will destroy all that settle before it. Yet I am calm and show boredom on my face as if nothing else is crossing my mind but being free from this cage.

I don't like when people I care about are sick - especially if said person is dating me. It's like all my instincts get turned on to protect them even though I can't do anything - and that just makes it worse. I can't do anything. It's like watching someone get punched in the face and being held back by someone else. It frustrates me to no end. I feel like I'm gonna hurt someone that's how much it bothers me. It drives me up a fucking wall. And with Josh saying he has internal bleeding, I'm so amped up I want to punch something. But I have to keep my calm and just let it play out.

This is why I get so pissed off at myself. It's like all my "control freak" instincts come out to play at the worst moments.
 
So I'm a terrible person because I was shut out, point blank, for two weeks? Without any explanation?

Yeah, okay. Hell. Fucking. No.

My tolerance level for this crap involving my character is lower than dirt. You got something to say, message me. Otherwise, grow the fuck up.


In other news:

I have other shit to deal with and worry about. Two of my family members passed away, my Papa has gotten even worse, my Nana - his wife- is starting to slip, and they helped raise me. My boyfriend needs to go to the doctors, I have school/work/and research projects to worry about. I'm starting to slip back into my depression again. I don't know who my friends are and who aren't - at least online- or who I'm even close to anymore. I keep getting more and more headaches and I keep skipping eating because it's easier. So there you have it. I'm falling apart. The big scary mod actually had a fucking heart and is falling apart right now.

I'll pull myself back together, but right now, I'm hanging by threads.
 
I've got a needle, need a patch job? There are so few people you can ACTUALLY trust online. I only really interact with the masses because its far easier online than off. If people can't be adult about you taking care of yourself and your real life responsibilities, then tell them to go fuck themselves with a termite infest two by four encrusted with a thousand rusty nails. Your family needs you, you need to take care of yourself. Its the fucking internet. Its not going anywhere. So what if you need to break off for a little while. Its not like you just up and disappear without telling folks.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses and the illness of your family. I hope they get well soon, I hope your boyfriend is in good health as well. :[
 
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