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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I find that while I'm sitting here, as I'm prone to do, my thoughts just take off without any direction from me. In this case, my mind is drifting to what I want out of my life. I want a job that I love, I want a family of my own, a nice house, a few animals, but I don't want a white-picket fence - that's just too cliche for me. I want to build a life with someone that I know will prove to me that not everyone important in my life disappears. Death is something entirely different that cannot be helped.

I want a husband who is proud to have me as his wife.
I want two kids- a boy and a girl. Twins preferred.
I want newfoundland dogs, and maybe a cat or two.
I want a nice house -nothing big or fancy, just right for all of us.
I want a yard for my kids and dogs to play in.
I want to be able to spend time with my kids and let them know they are loved every single day.
I want a husband I can love, play with, enjoy myself with, and feel safe, protected, treasured, loved, and needed.
I want a job I love going to every day.
I want my kids to know they can talk to me about everything and anything and feel safe enough to do so.
I want my kids to be accepting of other people and good-honest-to-god kids.
I want to feel happy every day. Maybe not all day, but every day.
I want to know that even if we fight, hurt each other, go through rough spots, that my husband and I will work through all of it.

What can I say? I want all of it. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's my dream. My huge dream that I always wonder if it will ever come true. I've been told I'm too young to be thinking that it won't, but it is what is is. I want this dream to become reality. I want a lover, best friend, confidant, security blanket, protector, all rolled into one wonderful person.

Maybe I won't get that when I want, but I have to have hope for once that something I want will happen. It might just take awhile.
 
My car has been towed.

Something is seriously wrong with it.

I cried when my dad told me it needed to be towed.

I really don't need this kind of setback financially and emotionally.

I love cars and I love MY car.

Just...fuck.
 
Losing Faith​

in Humanity​

A Never Ending Cycle​

It's hard nowadays for anyone to surprise me with their behavior towards other people. And it shouldn't surprise me when someone becomes paranoid about something I say simply because they don't actually listen/read it and just assume I mean the worst. It disheartens me as well as amuses me because it's the same old song and dance with certain people - whether or not I'm being sincere or genuine with my words. For some of them, they just get this idea in their head that I'm punishing them because someone else is whispering in their ear that I'm pretty much out to get that. Those types just make me laugh because they are insecure, possessive, and ultimately afraid of me. Of course, some part of me loves when people are afraid of me. It means I have power over them in some measure. And then there is the fact that I can play with their emotions because they are too weak and stupid to realize that I can do that without trying. This happens with people I don't like. And I enjoy when the dislike is mutual. It just means fair game.

However, I always have that secret hope that I will be proven wrong about someone. That their negative, destructive, and selfish behavior will change to some degree. Yet it never happens. When someone leaves and then comes back, that is surprising. But then it is expected that they will do it again. And in a certain case, it did (twice) and apparently might be happening a third time. Three strikes, you're out. I don't care any more about this cycling game of "How much can I push before she destroys it all?" I've burned bridges this way because I do not play games in this way. I do not play games with the emotions of friends and I DO NOT tolerate when the same is done to me. I don't have much forgiveness in me, and this has stretched it beyond thin. I don't have any more forgiveness in this case. It's a shut book now. A chapter ended. The pages have been turned and forgotten.

Maybe I'm feeling a bit angry and malicious, but I don't truly care. Human beings will always be a cut and dry case. There is no mystery with human behavior and if someone finally proves to me otherwise that they can be unpredictable like myself in some manner and actually prove that someone can stay and truly mean it, then I will revoke said words.

But so far, I've been proven right on a daily basis.

Sometimes, I hate being right.
 
No one cares when you feel so alone inside it's tearing you apart. Or that sometimes, you really do want ot just die. But I have to keep going, keep moving....

Because what else do I have? I have nothing. Nothing....lol....so sad.

The only reason I'm still living is because of my own mentality. Otherwise, I would have offed myself years ago.
 
Gotta love my drunk rants around midnight. I decided not to be alone when I drink.

Maybe, MJB. As much as I have my own internal struggle, I keep it bottled up a lot and I just keep going. That's really about it. Otherwise, it's like I don't need to share.
 
I guess my poetry sucks? Good to know. I find that reading that just amused me because I've had people tell me all the time that it's pretty damn good stuff because I write from my soul and not just whatever my brain tells me to write.

I'm just reaching that point where there is nothing. I'm neutral. There isn't really any feeling within me because I need a "restart" so to speak. So instead of maybe getting upset/angry, sad/lonely, I'll just be blank for a little while. Everyone has their emotional outbursts and I'm only human, but I guess I tend to shut off rather than jump start. It's weird but then again I'm not wired like everyone else.

The weather kind of sucks today. It's melancholy with a sprinkling of cheerlessness and gloom. But everything works out eventually. It's not rainy every day.
 
Who on earth told you that? If I thought they sucked, I wouldn't send you poetry market info so just keep on writing. Not everyone likes everything so exam what that person said and see if there is anything useful in it you can use to tweak your style if you want. Otherwise, keep pressing on.
 
So I'm in a bit of shock today.

On Sunday I had gotten into a pretty rough argument/fight with my father. Long story short, it turned into less about paying off the engine replacement and more about how my father seemed to think that "paying" for my schooling would make up for him not being here pretty much most of my life. But I decided the past three years was a less harsh thing to say. However, I had said that he missed most of the important things in my life. I was pretty upset in order to let anything like how much that had hurt me slip. I rarely tell him anything- whether he hurts my feelings or not is very very low on that list of things.

Today, he called and we talked about how I'm planning to take the summer to work two jobs so I'll have a bunch of money saved up so I can pay for any upcoming expenses in the spring of 2013 and be able to start being on my own completely. I don't know if that involves moving back home or not quite yet. We'll have to wait for that later.

But what really shocked me....seriously shocked me...was that he said, "You know, I'm sorry for not having been there for you and your brother. I really wish I could turn back time and fix things... a lot of things, but I can't. Just know that I love you very, very much."

Part of me wants to cry because that's what I had been wanting to hear most of my life. And part of me wants to cry because I know that nothing can be fixed about the past.

And some of it is because as much as my father and I fight, argue, and generally don't like each other, we still love each other.

And it means that something I said actually made him think about what might have caused me to say something like that. That he actually listened.

And makes me believe that somewhere in there, my father is also still "my dad."
 
So I've found that I haven't been able to really write poetry for the past few weeks. I feel like I'm straining to try and think of something so I haven't been bothering. Writing is also becoming a struggle for me and I have the feeling it's because I'm so stressed out about school that it's hard to work out how to get rid of that stress and use my outlets like I used to do. I've also barely been reading books so that doesn't help me either. So I'm probably just gonna start working on reading and then getting back into writing poetry and just writing in general.

I don't know. I guess the black hole that's been eating at me is finally getting to an uncontrollable point and barricading my outlets to get rid of it. But I'll be fine. It will just take awhile.
 
I'm gonna try to start writing fanfiction again. I enjoyed writing what I could (Even though now, looking back, it's probably terrible) and finishing some of the fanfiction I had started awhile back but never got around to finishing. I'm the "One-shot" type, so I'll probably end up doing a few series of fanfiction one-shots. Should be fun. Or at least, entertaining.

I guess that's my only real update. I'd rather not get into the same old song and dance about how people disappoint me on occasion and how they seem to believe, "That's okay, she'll forgive me."

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And if people keep thinking it does. They are wrong.

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You can do it Havoc! I believe in you. I'm hoping to drop 60 pounds by at earliest August. Or at least until my birthday. THough, skipping the gym today probably isn't helping.
 
Yeah, work out day three! Managed a good twenty minutes or so and now I'm tired and hoping that I ache in the morning. =] Or at least feel a little sore.

I've found that listening to music that makes you wanna dance and watching a TV show you really like helps to get you in motion.

I've also taken to wearing my wrist weights while I'm on the computer because of how I type. I can feel the extra weight and the effort my arms make to support it. Interesting how that works! Plus, it makes me slow down a little in my typing and adjust to the weight. So here's to hoping that I have toned arms just from typing. xD

But yeah, I plan on keeping this up because I feel good after and because I really want to put on a bikini in a month or so and feel like "Damn, I look fucking awesome."

Also gonna start working on taking vitamins and eating a bit healthier and doing less snacking at night time. Might try putting a cap on when I do that, too. Like stop eating after say 10pm or so. Change is in the air! Along with Spring. And Spring is good! :D
 
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