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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Studying since I'm working anyways. It's not so bad when it doesn't feel like I'm cramming the information back into my head. It's more like a subtle review. Hopefully I'll do really well on this final and get some decent sleep before it. Four hours doesn't seem like a lot to some people, but it's good enough for me especially since I slip into a deeper REM cycle than normal from lack of sleep.

Tonight doesn't feel like I'm so exhausted. It's probably because I'm keeping myself hydrated a lot better than I did last night. It's pretty quiet in here so that helps and I can listen to Matt Nathanson which is nice to listen to. He's got a soft and nice voice which is something I need to study properly. [Much as I like my heavy metal, it's only good for studying during the afternoon.]

So pumped that there are only three more days before my navy man comes home. That also means that I have three finals between now and seeing him. At least my last two finals for this week are pretty easy compared to the one I'm studying for now and will be studying for during the weekend. I'm really excited to see him and hope he's just as excited to see me. [And his family, of course.]

I really just want him to pick me up and spin me and give me a big hug. I don't know if that will happen, but I think it would be really awesome if it did. I'd probably be too shy for it but I'm gonna try to be the confident person that I can be. We'll see how well I pull that off.

I kept teasing him today about the corset I bought and how it looks nice on me. He wanted to see but I denied him. Oh well, he has some scandalous pictures to keep him busy. Haha. I love seeing his half-smile. He never fully smiles in pictures, but his half-smile makes me think he could burst into laughter at any minute and it just makes me warm inside. I told him that I loved his smile and he called me a weirdo, but I know he's just as much of a sap as I am.

I know that when he and I get together, the one thing I want to do more than anything is hold his hand so I know that he's really there. There's just something about it that keeps me grounded, makes me feel precious and safe, and makes me smile. It also makes my heart jump a little with the right person.

I'm just getting nervous and self-conscious as the days start lessening between his return home. I know I'm curvy, but I don't like my stomach or big thighs. I know I'm not huge, but I'm also not slender like I used to be so it's a little daunting. However, I know I can work on it even if it takes awhile to really get me started. Changing routine is really difficult to do, after all. I just don't want to get rejected for it like I have been. It was pretty harsh the first time around.

However, I know that I should just have a little more faith in myself. He doesn't have the best body either, but to me, he's a beautiful person. So I hope he sees that with me. And I know that I look really good in a corset and my ruffle skirt with my thigh-highs because I've been complimented multiple times during my Goth/Industrial nights and told that I have a wonderful figure for my clothing of choice. It takes a lot for me to wear a skirt, so it was a real boost during those times.

I guess there was a lot more to write here than I thought, but I guess my mind is just churning over slowly and at it's leisure. I know I put "I hope," a lot but for once I have a lot of it. It's rare for me to hope for things, but this is me hoping for a change. Hoping for a really good change. Lately, there has been a lot of stressful and different changes, but I've gotten through them. Now it's time to look towards having a better future to myself. To just being true to myself and not having restrictions or conditions.

I think I could be happy with him. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. As much as I want to stop searching for that one to last a lifetime, I can't think that this is all I have - just hopes and wishes. One day I'll have the one dream I've held for a long time - to be accepted by someone and spend my life with them. Perhaps he is that guy. Perhaps he's just another chapter in my book of love and loss. We'll just have to wait and see.

And since I'm at work, I'll just keep on studying and focusing on this final. Eventually I'll be able to sleep and I think it will be with pleasant thoughts on my mind of a tattooed naval officer who makes my heart beat just a little bit faster when I see his name on the screen of my cellphone.
 
So excited that I got my new shoes in the mail. I need to get some lingerie to go with them and some thigh-highs. <3 So hot.

Navy Boy comes home tomorrow and I'm so excited. Just brings me that much closer to seeing him in person. =] Can't wait to show off the corset I bought.
 
-hugs back-

Got measured at Victoria's Secret. Apparently I'm a 36C. o_O Wtf.

Anyways, was trying to find some lingerie to match my shoes and I saw some neat stuff, but I want to go to one of the smaller department stores instead of VS just because it's really expensive. Keeping my fingers crossed that I'll find something cheaper but just as nice.

Also, my friend - who went to the movies with me for my birthday- decided to get me a christmas which I got to pick out. So I now have 6 new nose rings, three of which she let me have as an early present and the others as an actual on-christmas-gift.

Gotta clean this place up more and then head over to my parents house for the night, but not all that worried about it. More worried about grabbing the Ziggster.

Anyways. Navy Boy comes home tomorrow and it just makes me really excited. I'm also really nervous about what he'll think when he sees me. Self-consciousness sucks.
 
Had a marvelous night at Sin-O-Matic and got my picture taken by a friend I know who works there. Got one of the bartenders' number and overall had an amazing time with my two friends. <3 Seriously, it was great. I even did a "water shot" off the dick ice luge they had set up. XD That was interesting. Fucking thing was too big for my mouth and at the oddest angle so I got water on me.

I got a bunch of compliments on my mini top hat so that made me feel even more amazing. Overall, I felt on top of the world at the club. I should definitely go clubbing more with them. It was really great.

Navy boy keeps being adorable but I probably won't be seeing him at all this week but should be seeing him after christmas which will be nice. It made me feel awesome that he really does want to see me but he also hasn't seen his friends/family for over half a year. So he has a lot of catching up to do.

I had to tell my mum the other day that he really isn't my boyfriend and that saying that to my family members will only make me miserable if it doesn't happen and I really don't need to deal with that. I don't want to have false hope, ya know? I'd rather be okay with it not working out if it doesn't than just building it up to have it all crash.

However, keeping my spirits up. Got my nails done today and they look really nice so I'm happy about that.

Trying not to let myself stress about where I'm gonna be living in 10 days because it's completely up in the air. It worries the fuck out of me that I don't know. However, I can't dwell on it because my last final is on tuesday and I have to study for that tomorrow.

FREEDOM WILL BE UPON ME SOON. Thank fuck. -.-
 
Yay.

Totally just got my feelings stomped on when I was trying to be silly.

Ow. I just wanna cry.

Navy boy said he was pretty much having a crappy day. I was just trying to be silly and make him laugh by being like "well I can make it better! Hopefully."

He instantly sends. "Doubt it."

Just...ow. Not something I expected after all the stress I've been under and how sweet he's been otherwise.

So I told him I'd be studying...he hasn't responded and I don't think he will...
 
*blinks*
What???

*hugs*
I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it came off. Maybe try telling him that it hurt your feelings. He might not realize that it stung as badly as it did.... I'm so sorry, sweetie.
 
Well, distraction is good for now. But, if it really does bother you, I'd bring it up. You can find ways to do it so it won't be awkward or whatever. Sometimes when people are in a state of blah they don't always realize that the things they say can be hurtful. They're too busy wallowing in the current misery to notice. Then, later on, when things have settled and their mind has cleared, they'll realize and feel badly for it. You know?

*more hugs*
 
I kind of doubt it. I said to him "Ouch. Well I'm gonna study. I'll talk to you later if you want to." And then just to tack onto that "hope your day gets a little better. see ya." And nothing.

So it's whatever. I'm probably not gonna be talking to him all day because his friends make him feel better more than I can because they can actually be there.

I have too much shit to deal with to have to deal with this shit when I'm already so unsure of if we'll even be in a relationship or if it will just be like all those other times I've talked to people/gone on dates with them: Seems good in theory. Ends up turning out awful.
 
*hugs you*
Well, I hope for the best for you.... whatever that might be. And as always, you know you have me in your corner.
*gives loves*
<33333
 
Well on the phone with navy boy and he apologized if I thought he ignoring me. So yay.

Damn him for being so fucking cute and able to cheer me up. >.<
 
And YAY for the fact that he's got the ability to reflect on his actions. Such a wonderful quality and sadly too many people lack it. *hugs!!!* <333
 
Heee! Even better! And he scores big points for making that phone call too. HUGE! Like I said, not many will do that. So, he's definitely got some great qualities going for him (on top of the hotness/adorable factor, hehe). :)
 
I'm tired of being unsure of everything.

It makes me feel like a child and someone let go of my hand in a crowd. I keep looking around but no one can give me an answer as to why I was left in this mess.

I just want something to pan out right now. Everything is so up in the air I feel like I'm chasing a ghost or something.

Just give me break, goddamnit. I deserve it.
 
Today, I feel like I'm just gonna cry.

I woke up feeling absolutely alone and miserable that I didn't want to get out of bed. I haven't heard from navy boy since yesterday afternoon and I just...I dunno. I'm really starting to think that all this wanting and hoping is all for nothing. I really don't even know when I'll see him and it's making me upset and feel unbalanced. I see all his chick friends posting about all the time they've spent with him and it's just like...Why can't I? Why can't you make some time for me?

I know he's busy. It's the story of my life with men. And now I'm crying because I hate all this stress.

I don't know where I'll be living in the next ten days.
I think I like navy boy more than he likes me.
I feel alone as all get out.
I just hurt inside.
I just want a break. I just want to feel loved.
I don't want to be alone for another holiday. It's already been four years of loneliness.

I just... Maybe I should just give up. On everything.
 
Giving up on things is never a good option. All that does is leave you stuck in a rut where you are miserable forever. Not a good place to be, in my honest opinion. I know it might seem like all hope is lost and that nothing will ever go right..... but at some point things eventually do. It might not be when we wanted it to happen or expect it. It might involve people you never thought possible, etc etc. But it will. Basically, you have to do your best to hold onto hope and slowly work yourself out of the rut you are currently in. You do have friends. You do have family. And you know that most of them will indeed stand by you and be there for you. I know I'll be sending out my thoughts and positivity for sure and, as always, I'm in your corner, sweetie. <33333 *hug and nuzzles*
 
I love you and everything, but I'm tired of people telling me to "have hope and faith" when shit is actually working out in their life. Everyone around me is much happier than I've been in months. I'm tired of seeing it and feeling like "why can't I be happy again?"

I don't begrudge that everyone else is moving forward and having amazing things happen, but right now I'm in a very "fuck you and your happiness" mood.

And it's not like I don't try. I'm tired of getting jack shit out of my efforts. I'm just done right now. I hide my pain and upset because it's stupid to be upset and hurt when nothing ever happens to make it go away. Not completely. I've been jerked around too fucking much and I'm at a point where I honestly think I'll be alone like I thought when I was 16.

Nothing has seriously proven otherwise.
 
Well..... not that it matters, I guess. But you know, I wasn't always where I am. I had to go through my own shit to get there. And trust me. There was a lot of it and I never thought I'd ever get anywhere that was happy.
 
It's all right. Just saying that I know what it's like to be in a shit place. I've been there. More than once. It took a lot of nonsense to get where I am and it's because of the shit I've been through and happiness I've found that I say what I do. I don't say things to sugar coat just because... I mean what I say wholeheartedly and I'm not naive to the world at all. I might try to be positive and optimistic, but I know reality and the shit it can throw at you. Just like I know there's always a way to overcome all of it too. You just have to want it. When you don't that's when life stays stagnant and you remain in misery forever. Hope that makes sense.

And I say that because I love you.
 
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