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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

-hugs back- It's cool.

Someone told me I deserve to be happy and that I need to stop worrying about the happiness of others. It's hard to let go of that part of my nature. Do I wanna be happy? Yes. Can I be happy? Yes. Do I deserve to be happy? that's where the line for me blurs. I know in one sense that I do deserve to be happy - the confident cheeky side of me says so. And then there is the side of loneliness and worthlessness that sighs that I shouldn't be happy because how can I be happy if I can't even like myself? It's half and half some days. I'm really not sure how to go about it.

As that same someone said, sometimes a chapter in your life comes to an end and you need to start the next one. Sometimes you aren't ready for it, and sometimes you knew it was coming. However you handle it decides how your life will play out for yourself. Sometimes the person who was part of the chapter that made you happy no longer does but those feelings remain. Maybe a friendship comes to a dramatic end. Either way, things change as I have said before. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad. With this new chapter looming on the horizon, I will think of it as bittersweet, open my arms wide, close my eyes, and let it sweep over me.
 
To Like Someone

I've found that when I like someone, I think I let myself get too attached to them too quickly and it ends up messing with my emotional equilibrium. It's too easy to feel neglected/rejected and so I start to distance myself almost instantly to get my balance back. I think that's also part of the reason why I don't like getting involved with new people. Either I like them a lot and then it sort of mellows out, or I don't like them very much and eventually get to know them better. Either way, it's never an even keeled kind of like where it's subtle and just slowly blooms. I think it has to do with me being a deeply emotional person no matter how reserved I appear. Maybe some of it has to do with acceptance. I'm really not sure on the matter. I try not to let myself get down about it. Just trying to go with it and not get too involved too quickly.
 
I know what you mean there. I'm very emotional as well and probably to a point where it can often be detrimental. I tend to take things to heart that I shouldn't. And as a result get hurt both deeply and quite often. It can be over anything also, all sorts of people and for all sorts of situations. What helps me to cope is knowing that I do have that small handful of people I can rely on and will accept me for who I am... flaws, idiosyncrasies and all. The other is to try and take those objective steps back once realization hits. Not always easy to do, but trying is part of the battle as is the realizing. If you manage those 2 things, you've done quite well. Anyway, that said, just know I'm here for you in whatever capacity I'm needed. You're always there for me, just as I'm always there in return. :)
 
Understandable. It's those sorts of relationships that probably bring us to our most vulnerable. Romantic relationships cover so many levels that it just cannot be avoided, not if it's to be healthy and strong anyway. But, it is a part of it. A process of sorts. There's always a risk whenever we open our hearts up to someone. We have to trust that the other will do the same and we have to hope that the feelings will be returned. That said, you shouldn't feel too upset of what have you for feeling this way. You aren't alone in it and you have people to help support you regardless of the outcome. Of course, being emotional myself, I get that it can be more overwhelming than perhaps for others in the same situation. But, at least you can feel some semblance of comfort that people experience these same feelings, at least on some level, when they go through things like this.

That all said, also remember that you're a wonderful woman. Beautiful, smart, great sense of humor. In other words, the package deal. So, if he cannot open himself up and return the feelings, then he's just a fool. Because if he cannot see those things, he's just not worthy of you. Case closed. <3
 
Thanks, DA. I just get all wrapped up in "oh, well, guess he's busy since he hasn't returned my text messages," and then I feel like a silly little teenager. I don't text him repeatedly when there's a break in the conversation but I dunno. It's like..."where'd you go? D:" And he has told me he likes me, it's just I'm starting to wonder if I might like him more than he likes me even though he was the first to say something. I dunno. I think I just over-think everything when there's too much of a variable.
 
*nods*
Sounds to me like you're handling it the right way. As for the emotional aspect? All you can really do is let time speak for itself and try and trust what he's told you. Unless you feel he doesn't return those feelings, which is seems you do trust him, then I'd try not to worry too much. People have different personalities and ways of showing things. One suggestion, though I don't know how comfortable you'd feel at this point in sharing this with him, is to tell him how you're feeling. Let him know your needs and such. It might help because it'll make him aware. But, again, that's a decision you'd have to make based on what you're going through and how you feel the situation is at this time. If you're not comfortable right now, perhaps down the line after some time has elapsed you will. But the only one who can answer that is you. Though, you'll still have people to support you and lean on when you need it. <333
 
Weeeeeeeeeell, I asked him how he felt since it was just bugging me. So he told me that he did like me quite a bit and it was really funny how I felt sad enough to just cry a little yesterday night and he sent me a silly picture of himself. It really made me just smile. I didn't tell him I was feeling upset or anything, but it was just the timing of it all that made it even more silly and uplifting. So yeah, it certainly did help to get something like that.

However, I really didn't want to assume that the feelings were mutual because it's hard to do over text messages, ya know? But on a good [or better] note, I got up the courage to ask him out to dinner when he gets home and has some time to hang out with me which he said yes to. So that was neat. Only I felt like a wicked retard when he said, "I was gonna wait to ask you to dinner in person." Yeaaaah, impatience is my forte apparently. Or nerves. Either way.

But yes, so this dancing around liking each other friendship thingy is weird but neat. Guess I can be a crazy teenager even at my age. [yes, I get I'm not that old, but this is maturity wise.] It's nice to meet someone like me [weird half-split personality and all] who is different enough that I won't strangle them or be a narc.

Writing this is also a good way for me to just chill out since my work is a million degrees and I have a small headache. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
 
Does my heart good to read this. You deserve to be happy and be surrounded by people who will make you as such, not to mention treat you like the amazing person you are. So, yay. I'm so happy to hear this. *hugs* <33333
 
Yup.

Think I'm cutting a certain person out of my life.

I'm really tired of this crap.
But no, I'm not allowed to be angry right now because I have to study and school is more important than a jackass.

And I didn't think you would ever break my heart, but you did. Congratulations.
 
Some days, I have to say that I actually do let my emotions have control because it is important to realize that despite all of my reservation, that I still have emotions to use at my disposal. It really does figure, however, that when I say something that it can fall on deaf ears because it seems the same song and dance. It's bothersome to be called someone's "best friend" and have them basically lie to your face and have to have you drag information out of them because they don't "think they should have to talk about it" when it's clear as day what it has to do with. I find it hilarious that as much as they claim they want my happiness, they can't even be exactly honest. I suppose that's how it really is. Liars exist and I knew from instincts that I shouldn't trust what really anyone says. Goes to show how much someone can warp a friendship because of their stupidity or their need for someone else to keep them level while they go down in flames.

I don't begrudge other people's happiness. I'd rather them be happy than not, but I suppose I do want to protect them from negative factors like people that are poison. Oh well, it's not really my problem. I may support them, but I don't support those kind of choices in life. But it's whatever. It's not my life and I wouldn't want it to be either. Regardless, even if they act like stupid fucks, I'll still be there for them even if they end up fucking themselves over. As someone said, let them make their mistakes and leave it be. So I'm gonna follow that.

On another note - guess I won't be calling someone unless they feel like talking to me. I'm done with making phone calls when it's clear that they don't want to be talking with me. So I won't be going out of my way for that. However, my metaphorical door isn't closed. So if they want to call, they can. Just don't expect me to be waiting around for it or hold my breath.
 
Seems this week is all about heartbreak. Turns out my now ex [not Scotty] has become friends again with the chick he cheated on me with. Awesome. Good to know. It shows me that he really wasn't remorseful about crushing my heart into dust, but just doing what I told him to do.

Great. So I'll keep watching my movie and making sure I don't cry.
 
Reflection of the Week

When I start to dislike someone, it's like a cancer. It just spreads and manifests into something ugly - much like how they appear to me otherwise I would like them, right? And I'm not talking about physical ugliness, though I've found that if I dislike someone's personality and way they handle things [like being a manipulative twat or a condescending fuckwad] they physically start to look ugly and unattractive to me.

Anyways. I find that when I start to dislike someone, I want to mess with them and destroy them in pieces. Maybe not outright at first, but occasionally it gets to a point where I feel I have to try to destroy their spirit. Call it the monster in me, but I like watching people suffer and cry depending on my mood and if I don't like them. It's a human flaw that I accept wholeheartedly about myself. I think it has to do with part of myself saying, "Prove you aren't weak. That you aren't ugly and frail." But they usually prove they are weak when I get a nice reaction out of them. Some sort of defense. See, some might call that bullying, but that would mean I'm jealous of something they have and want it, or that I'm taking my frustrations out on them unnecessarily. But I don't go out of my way to do this. I don't go, "Oh, you're my new favorite toy!"

Human beings like picking on the weak, as much as it can be a disgusting and disturbing quality. I don't actually do this. I pick apart the stupid, bitchy, and downright arrogant fucks. So I guess I'm the ugly bully who bullies the bully. Interesting, no? Yet as I said, I don't go out of my way to do this. And I do try to avoid opportunities to feed this monster of destruction.

But what fun would I be if I avoided all of those opportunities?

At least the sarcasm makes me funny.
 
<3 Yay Navy boy making my day better. He's just a sweetheart and can't wait to see him when he comes home in a few weeks. It should be fun. =]
 
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