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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

A Review

This was how I used to title pretty much every journal post I made. Then I got bored of it because the new system set up made me not want to do it anymore. However, that's kind of a lame excuse. Anyways, to get onto the topic of this post - I find that I've made a lot of progress since I first joined almost three years ago. [Really?! Almost three!?] I used to be kind of quiet and yet goofy with more of a "oh well not for me" kind of undertone. I was loud at times and a bit of obnoxious [hahaha, who would have thought?]. Yet that's more of the past now. In a lot of ways I was still recovering from a long bout with depression and trying to just get settled into my life. It was a long hard road with a lot of bumps along the way. I took a lot of hits and falls, but I always made it out alive.

Thinking about where I am now, I've closed off a lot of my heart and emotions to keep me sane and from letting myself be ruined by others who shouldn't have any kind of hold over me or my emotional responses. That's how I survive. Some people don't know what a survival instinct is but I've had a very strong one for a very long time. Even when I was kicked down to the dirt and contemplated suicide more than once and made one effort to do it, I never actually gave up. Something still managed to make me move on and keep on living even with all the acidity of the world spewing toxins in my direction. As much as my mind and heart begged to be free of the agony, that pounding need to live rose above the cries.

I know I am flawed - very flawed in very simple yet complicated ways - but I accept those flaws most days. Some days I don't. And I don't expect other people to accept my flaws. I've come a long way from hating myself outright, but that's why I can have the people I have around me now. I don't hate myself. I don't particularly like some of myself, but I don't hate myself anymore. That's the biggest change I've made. And with it, I've really settled into the mind frame of "Fuck you if you don't like me." In all honesty, I don't care if you don't like me. It's not your job to like me or even accept me. I think anyone can choose to reject people outright, but it can take a big heart to accept someone. Even with all the scars, tears, cuts, bruises, on my still-fragile heart, I still manage to accept people.
 
Change

Sometimes people drift apart without knowing why and sometimes, that is okay. We as beings are in a constant state of flux even with our daily routines and fixtures. Change is the only constant in our world. So with a change there comes a fleeting departure from something that had once been something else. Something different. Whether that thing was good or bad, change can make it better or worse. In this case, I claim a more neutral standpoint. I can't say it is any better or worse than the previous way things used to be because the person with which this change has come about is still a very big part of my life. So though the words are melancholy and lulled into a sense of silent wonder and remembrance, change isn't always a bad thing.

Sometimes, change is just what you need.

Do you feel cold when lost in desperation?
You build up hope when failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustrations
And let it go.
Let it go.
 
So I went and changed my fetlife around. It didn't seem so bad until after it was all set. Not letting myself cry about it since that's pretty stupid but that sadness is still prevalent but I won't let it wash over me. I don't feel I should cry. Crying would mean I had something stolen from me rather than it being a mutual "giving up" sort of decision. Oh well. Shit happens and you move on.

I wish I had more reeses.
 
The Time Teller

I actually forgot I had written this since it was over a year ago and it had been on my deviantart account but here it is. A little insight into where my mind goes when I don't allow for it to use more of "real world" structuring.

-There comes a time in life when things are endlessly endless; when time seems to flow forward and back in ebbing tides that no one can control but everyone wants to hold that control like a pendent in the palm of their hand. But time cannot be captured except by the ticking of two hands and a face. Doesn't it seem odd that the simplest yet severely complicated of devices can read and keep something so intangible and eternal? and even when broken it is still able to hold time correctly twice a day? How does time escape us so easily? We pride ourselves on vanity of the mind and yet- yet- time slips through our fingers. We cannot hold it or attain it like that of something so simple- like a watch. A watch is a device that does what we cannot: tell time exactly how it is with the slightest margins of error based only on that of human hands or the battery that was placed inside it. A watch can be faulty, but as previously stated- it will still be right twice in one day. Every day. Can we brag about such a thing?

With unreasonable reasoning within the scope of reason, time should not be able to be held so tame by such a simple device, right? Or is it that reasoning that it should be easily captured like a fish in a net? Watch and time are like cat and mouse. Time seeks to slip away and Watch tries to catch it- and succeeds. It's a game they play without realization. They are not alive and yet they control the lives of others- forever. Time is depicted by the sun, moon, stars. Time controls the waking and sleeping moments of all life on the planet. Time depicts when someone lives and when someone dies. So can it be stated that it unreasonably controls something so reasonable in the scope of reason?

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. It's a series of sounds that everyone knows by instinct nowadays. It's the sound of school, the sound of work, the sound of waking. Everything exists around time- time exists for no one. How could it? It cannot be harnessed so readily. It can never be stopped. Time is almost like a predator in the night that counts down the hour until ultimate demise. Or a lover whispering sleepy endearments all through the night until morning arises again- right on schedule.

Time is endless. Time is unconquerable. Time is what makes life so precious.
 
Writing

The title of this seems really obvious. I'm just writing to write, I suppose. I sometimes feel like people honestly don't get that sometimes I can feel hurt as well. That I'm not just some frozen person who has a heart of stone. No one likes to be insulted, but I know that instead of going on the defensive, I go on the offensive and push people to try to do it more - as if making them be more insulting will show them how much it can bother me. To show that they were being hurtful as much as I close myself off from it and show them a darker side of myself. It seems like a cycle that doesn't stop. And then I get called callous and bitchy and whatever else for it. Why? Because I didn't just go, "that hurt my feelings," and turned it around on the person who decided to get to me. I'm not like most people who states, "hey, that hurt." I go, "Oh? Is that really what you think? Oh, please do go on. I'd love to hear more." It's a form of baiting, I know, but it's a defense that has worked pretty well in the past. Show them your teeth, as they say.

I'm tired of seeing things I shouldn't have to be subjected to. Honestly, I shouldn't have to deal with people being bitchy and fake. It's annoying as hell. Get your facts straight before you start spewing all this stuff that no one even cares for. Over all, that's just a minor annoyance. I won't let it actually bother me beyond this point. Hence why I usually write things out. I write and it's usually done and over with. Unlike some people who have to continuously say something as if it will suddenly make it true. It won't. Get over it. And no, I'm not talking about the "I want to be better" stuff. That actually does help.

So I guess this writing thing is more like a rant. I'm just tired of a lot of bullshit. Like I'm the bad guy and everyone dislikes me. And you know what? Fine, I'll be the villain if it helps you sleep at night. Put the blame on me if it makes it easier. Eventually it will bite you in the ass and I'll be laughing. You can think I'm unfeeling, but I do actually feel things. Most of the time it's not what you expect or want to experience. I know that sometimes I can be in a mood where it's like I'm holding an axe above your neck and just waiting for you to say something that allows me to just end your sad existence. But that's not all of me. Nothing is "all of me." I'm like a gem - there are many facets.

I'm not just a bitch, or cold, or callous, or cruel. I'm not just raw, snide, nasty, or sarcastic.

I do actually have the "good" emotions, too. Maybe you should try to remember that.
 
"Dying or being killed isn't unnatural....but living without a purpose is." - Kiba from Wolf's Rain. A very good quote, I think.

And Dare - LOSER. -hugs back- <3
 
As much as I love my family and miss my cousin dearly, it would have been nice for my aunt not to post something about her on my birthday. Maybe it's selfish, but you know what? I shouldn't have to read that my birthday also marks 11 months since she died. I'm crying now. What a great start to my birthday.
 
*hugs*
It's not selfish to think that at all. And, quite honestly, your aunt probably should've kept it to herself and maybe just PM'd a few people if she needed to get it out. Anyway, so sorry that happened on today of all days. Hopefully the rest of the day will be better.
<333
 
I see it every single day on facebook. Why can't she just not post it today? She didn't even post a happy birthday comment on my wall. I just saw that when I logged in.
 
I feel like it was a slap regardless of being unintentional. It's my birthday and she knows it, but it's also a month until the one year mark and it makes me feel shitty. Like I'm celebrating a birthday and she can't anymore. It doesn't help that my grandfather is so sick that I was dreading getting a phone call today saying he was gone. I'm stressed out enough as it is without a reminder of my cousin being dead - especially on my birthday. And being in physical pain right now doesn't help. Just fuck this morning.
 
So turn your Aunt's callousness into something good and use this day to celebrate not only your life but the life that your cousin graced the world with while she was with us.
 
It turned into me hanging with my family, crying slightly about how none of my friends minus two actually wanted to hang out with me and only one of them could. And I pretty much paid for the movie my friend was supposed to take me to go see. [Granted, it was a gift card, but it was mine.] Sometimes I'm too fucking nice.

Sitting at home right now and just trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my night besides drink and play xbox. I really don't have any other plans. How fucking sad is that?

Too late. Started crying. I fucking hate my birthday. Last year sucked, this year sucked. I feel like every year my birthday has sucked since I turned 18. I fucking hate this crap. Why should I celebrate it if no one wants to celebrate it with me? My parents are one thing, but my friends? Fuck my friends. I don't care if I'm being emotional - sometimes I'm allowed. I'm in pain, feeling brokenhearted, and alone.

Fuck. My. Birthday.

And it's made worse by the fact that the few people I really want here, more than anything, can't even fucking be here. I'm so tired of all this bullshit. I want a hug. Something so simple that I can't even have right now.

Just...just fuck it.
 
Well, at least the weekend was salvaged by a good friend and drinking.

Sometimes hearts decide to change. We can't stop it or control it, but sometimes it happens. Maybe we stop loving someone we swore to love, or maybe start to like someone we didn't like before, or maybe we just don't care as much as we used to. Either way, things tend to change all the time. Hearts aren't always "fickle" as some people like to say. Sometimes they just know where they should be heading. It's the mind that doesn't know how to handle it. And right now, my mind isn't sure what my heart is up to. Maybe it's changing in some way that I mentioned and I want to stop it, but I can't. It doesn't mean I love people less that I happen to love very much, maybe it's just a different kind of love. I'm really not sure, but it makes me hesitant. I don't want to hurt the people that have a bit of my heart, but I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going if things do change. I won't lie to them. Maybe I'm just trying to save us all a little hurt until I sort things out. I really don't know. Only time will tell. Until then, I'll keep my mind open.
 
You know, I'm really glad I have the people in my life. I'm happy for my friends like DA, Scotty, Zal, Broomy, and Dare. And of course, MM even though you are totally MIA most of the time. And if I didn't put your name down, doesn't mean we're not friends just that they were first that popped into my head. I'm happy that I got people that will watch my back and not try to stab it. It's nice to be able to vent and cry and just be human without having some sort of expectation that my feelings don't matter as much as theirs do. Because they are equal.

But yeah, just felt like putting that out there. <3
 
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