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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I got home today after doing a project for school and found a note in my door. I was like, "Hm...wonder who this is from." Someone from the apartment upstairs left me the note. I was pretty surprised by this since I pretty much despise everyone in my apartment building. He left his number. It was a pretty generic message about how he wanted to say hi to everyone in the building, blah, blah, blah.

So I texted him. And pretty much told him his roommates are jackasses and keep me up at night. We'll see how he deals with that. :3
 
Barely got any sleep last night. Asshole neighbors.

Went to see a house today with my friends to check out how it was. It's a little 3 bedroom single-family house for rent and we pretty much fell in love with it as soon as we walked in and saw everything it had to offer. We were ready to just sign and get money together to pay for it. However, there was another couple at the showing and the rental agent seemed pretty keen on getting out of there ASAP. We were kind of bummed about that. It's the only time I've ever gone to look at a place and been unsure if I would get the place. =/ Not even because I lack funds or experience or credit, but possibly because I'm a college student and the other people were a couple that had children at home. So that was a little daunting.

Really hoping to get this place. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
 
Change

You know, you don't expect many things to change after things had been calm and peaceful. And then, out of nowhere, they do change because of maybe a job opened up, school or family took over, or someone came into the picture. You don't expect a best friend to claim such a title and then not call when they say they will, not return phone calls, and overall just disappear. You also don't expect that the reason for most of that could be someone else. However, when it is, the importance or maybe even stability that you had with this friend is now rocky and unsure.

It also made me realize something. Nothing actually changed. It was just the calm before the storm came back.
 
Uncertainty

I hate being uncertain, especially about a place I really want. I've never been in this scenario before where the place I want to rent has so many prospective lookers and that the rental agent pretty much brushed me off like "another one of those college kids." It's unnerving to say the least. I really want this place. I don't want neighbors living above or below me anymore. I don't want to have to worry about whether the cops should be called or not. I don't want to have to worry about being woken up in the middle of the night to people screaming, stomping around, and playing music so loud I can understand the lyrics. I don't want to have to hear arguments.

If it turns out we get the place and my roommates and I don't exactly get along, I'd rather deal with that than everything I've already listed all over again.
 
I'd love to tear you apart and see what your insides look like cause I bet they're as black as your heart is.

I find it funny how one thing gets said but something else is done. Liars and hypocrites have never been people I've been comfortable associating with, but if I like the person enough, I find I overlook some of it because everyone is a liar and a hypocrite. However, I at least admit to it when it applies.

You just lie and use people with no real justification.

Keep your hands and words away from my heart. It doesn't belong to you nor is it something you're allowed to touch anymore. Good bye. Good bye.

And take the knife you stabbed me with with you.
 
Some Days I am a Monster

I wonder how many people use that phrase and never truly know what it means. Some days, I KNOW I am a monster. I have a second personality that lingers below the surface, waiting for me to slip up and let it loose. Yet sometimes it's as calming as a lover, soothing away all my fears, insecurities, and heartache. In a lot of ways, my emotions are warped. Very warped. This isn't to say I can't be genuine with how I feel, but the actuality is that I can never truly say how I feel. Maybe I'm not as cold-hearted as I used to be - and that's not necessarily a bad thing - but I know I can be cruel. I can be disgustingly brutal.

Some of my writings prove that I can live on raw emotion- but only for a brief amount of time. And then it just shuts off like a button has been pressed. Most of the time, I am reserved, calm, and collected. However, part of me is still very fragile. When I allow - and I do mean allow- myself to feel deeply for someone, even the tiniest of barbs can be hurtful. Most of the time I just shrug them off, but part of me holds on to it and stores it for later. In my mind, I build up a list of all the nasty things that have been said- the fights that ensue- the problems and instabilities. My other personality keeps score even if I try not to. But I'm a creature of habit and survival.

The few people that I've let myself fall in love with hurt me very deeply and on a scale I never thought possible. Maybe they never meant to hurt me, but that's the thing about being hurt - you don't care for the reasons. You just wanna know why they did that. Why they hurt you when they swore they never would or that they didn't mean it. I really thought that some part of me had finally gotten over being abandoned repeatedly by a man - my father - who was supposed to love me unconditionally and never could but I know that I haven't. I don't think I ever will no matter how deeply I try to bury that part of myself.

Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive all the things that have been done to me but first it seems I have to forgive part of myself for being such a cruel twisted freak of nature. I know I'm a beautiful person. I know. But I'm also so dark and deformed that I'm surprised people can even look at me. Some of me embraces the darkness, some of me just turns away. Maybe one day I'll be whole. I just wonder if I'll find the person to help me with that. I hope I've found him. Or at least, someone else to help me with my journey to my own happiness and sense of peace.
 
Image of Invisible

I think people believe I'm more confident than I actually am. I think there are very few instances where I actually looked in a mirror and felt attractive. I think I need to start wearing corsets more to feel that way. Maybe I need to change the way I dress to feel how I wanna feel all the time- that I'm actually confident. I don't really know. I just find it funny that so many people will say I'm beautiful or gorgeous yet I never get any of that in reality. I get it from friends. I've never had someone randomly say, "wow, you're gorgeous." Or anything of the sort. The only time I've ever gotten stopped by strangers was because they needed directions.

Maybe I should start working out again. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something - like if I put in enough effort I would be as attractive as some of my friends say. I'm not the type of girl to spend hours in the morning working on my hair and makeup. The only time I ever do that is for really special occasions. Most of the pictures I have taken with makeup took me a total of 15 minutes usually at the most.

And being called cute? I'm starting to hate that description. To me, it's like being the kid sister who happens to have a hot older sister. Some days it just wrecks me because I'm not trying to be cute. I want to be looked at as beautiful, hot, sexy, and just plain attractive. Cute doesn't mean attractive. Cute is associated with puppies, kitties, and other fuzzy animals and silly faces.

However, it seems that being short, overweight, with a nice sense of style will forever keep you in the cute zone. I see so many things I want to change about myself and then just feel myself get dragged down by those flaws I see. It's like the motivation gets sucked right out of me.

I think being overly stressed doesn't help either. I just want a break from it all.
 
I will forever think you are gorgeous and beautiful. And that's because you truly are.

I also relate to your feelings, though for different reasons. You know full well I've been dealing with my own demons in this arena. Only for me, it's because I feel old, 'used' and just plain ugly. But, I digress somewhat........ Personally, I think you look stunning with or without the makeup. Not many can pull that off and you can quite easily. Also, you are so not overweight. Sooooo NOT! You have a beautiful figure. One I think many (myself included) would covet.

My guess is that people are probably more intimidated by your air of confidence more than anything. And that is why they might not be approaching you in the manner you desire. Because seriously... if it's because of your appearance then they all must be blind.

*hugs and cuddles*
<33333
 
Thanks, hon. I appreciate it. I think my confidence has just been taking a lot of hits lately and I just feel stuck, frustrated, and unattractive. I really feel like the stress is just starting to show on my face. I mean, hell, I've had circles under my eyes since I was in middle school.

I think "air of confidence" is more like "stay the fuck away from me. I have a mission."
 
I really hate having to be patient and wait until my navy guy comes home. But I know I'll have to be patient. I also know that his friends and family come first and I told him that. Even though we have a date planned, I just wanna be sure he spends as much time with them as possible before he has to go back to FL for three months.

I really hope that with the hour or so drive between his house and my house that we'll be able to make something work, especially with me being completely done with school at the end of the summer. Depending on how the rest of the year goes, maybe I'll move closer to him or something. I just know I'll eventually need a change from Salem. I still want to move to Ireland, but I don't know when that will be possible - especially with the way the world is turning lately.

But I'll try not to jump too far ahead of myself unless he and I end up getting serious. However, I can tell that I'm different and it sucks that I can't talk to him all day, but I understand that he has class and I have class. I just wanna see him.

I'm really happy that I can see him soon. It's such a wonderful change from everything else.
 
Reading this so totally made my morning....... I'm so happy for you, sweetie. You deserve someone who treats you well and loves you for you and expects nothing more from you than who you are. It just makes me feel warm and gushy inside. <33333 I know you will be able to make it work. You will. :)
 
A Year Today

I can't believe a year has already passed since you died, Ash. And so much has happened that it's crazy when I think about it. I've been cheated on, stepped on, picked back up, loved, hurt, and tossed around. I loved several people very much but we drifted and they managed to break my heart and then leave my friendship next to the trashcan. Some I'm still friends with, but it's still something I can't believe actually happened. I've loved, lost, and opened my heart up again.

And you should be here. You should be able to love and feel and dance. You should be able to tell your mom your boyfriend troubles, hug your brother, and take care of your niece. You should be able to spend time with your dad, redecorate your room, and do all those things you should be able to do. You were supposed to be 21 this year and I was gonna take you out for drinks and celebrate you reaching that milestone.

But I can't. You're dead.
 
Thanks for the love, DA.

It figures I thought that some of the people who really cared [or said so] would still be friends with me.

I guess weaklings just can't handle my standards. Oh well.

Work is gonna suck but you know what? The people who matter are around when I need them most like today.
 
Sometimes, I do realize that I can cross a line.

Sometimes, I do realize that I can make a mistake and take something too far.

HOWEVER, I don't let myself regret the things that I have done or said. But I do learn to move on from them and make things right in my own way.

As much as people seem to think that I either make no [ or very little] mistakes, I'm not always logical. Sometimes I do let myself be emotional and instinctual and just go with what I'm feeling and not always think it through. That's the whole point of being a human being. That you can think back and try to fix things even if you don't want to. Being nice is engrained in my personality, but I'm not a welcome mat. However, I know that I can react in a way that's not exactly easy to deal with. Sometimes, I can be outright scary and frightening.

But when I say I will be civil, I will be. I may be a bit snarky, but that's me dealing with the situation - not attempting to make it worse. So I guess it's one of those, if you have an issue or something you wanna talk to me about but didn't know if you should/could, then do so. I may shut out a friendship, but I will never not help someone - especially when the problem has to do with me and them. So there it is. My reflection of the day.

I guess I got out some of the emotion I had been holding in. Sometimes talking can just give you a new perspective and make you realize that sometimes you just let yourself be too stubborn because it's easier than being upset or mad.
 
Just for Today

I really need to get some more sleep. I'm gonna start upping my melatonin dosage but only once I'm done with the finals that I have this week. [Have another on tuesday the 20th, but at 11 so I know I won't oversleep.] I have one last paper to do for my Fish Bio class and I haven't started it yet. Just glad that it won't be longer than three pages.

I can't really keep my thoughts straight, but things are different to some extent and probably for the better.

I'm gonna go back to sleep since my next class isn't until 1:30pm and I have two work shifts to do today/tomorrow.

At least I'll have some down time in between them. Probably gonna buy energy drinks and junk to keep me awake tonight.

Also - Navy boy comes home in five days. I'm so happy. <3
 
"I'm not the silly romantic you think I am.
I don't want the heavens or the shooting stars.
I don't want Gemstones or Gold. I have those things already.
I want a steady hand; a kind soul.
I want to fall asleep and wake knowing that my heart is safe.
I want to love and be loved." - The Dream Thief by Shana Abe.

And it's true. I can be a silly romantic. I can be hopeless with my feelings. But in all honesty, I just want to love and be loved. I don't want to worry about what I might do wrong or what might go wrong. For once, I want to know that I am safe - my heart is safe - and that no one will try to break it or show they are unworthy of it.

I hope I'm not putting too much faith in someone I haven't really gotten to see, but when I get to be with him, I won't let myself be afraid. I'll just be me. I really hope it works out.
 
I feel like quoting Breaking Benjamin but I'm not sure what song I would quote in here to go with how my writing feels like taking me.

Sometimes you just gotta worry about you and no one else and just focus on what makes you happy.

So I'm gonna focus on my Navy Boy and wait as patiently as I can until he gets home and can make time with me to get to know me better and I with him.

I really want to curl up in his arms and know what it's like to be held by someone who cares again. It's been way too long.
 
Soon, sweetie! Soon! That day'll be here before you know it. And the timing couldn't be more perfect what with the holidays and all. <33333
 
alittleheart.jpg


I know he's been having an iffy day, so I decided to draw this for him and send it to him. I'm glad he liked it. It made me happy I could make him smile which was my intention. =]
 
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