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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I went shopping yesterday. It's been awhile since I've done that and it was nice to get some new clothes since I needed them. I got some shoes, jeans, earrings, bras/undies, and am happy that I could get those things. It was nice spending some quality time with my roommate.

I really don't know how to understand and take information regarding people who can say they like me and I know them to be honest, but because I'm not within reach I'm undateable. I understand where they are coming from but in some cases it's like the "illusion" broke. We have this great time chatting and then they just drift off like something about me just made them go, "eeeeeeh, no," and slow communication to almost nothing. It's like...wtf. But it also is: "Hmmm, this seems awfully familiar."

It's like...people say to not act like "you're an island," but when you're the only one there, how the fuck can you not be?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

People Rant

You can't always get what you want even if you try to hide what you really want from the eyes of people who are far more observant than you give them credit for. Questioning things based on personal feelings rather than logic just makes it sound childish and stupid. All I can really say is that just because you think that a decision is wrong when you don't have any real basis for it doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means you're being a dumbass and whiny.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Piercing list update:

Needs - nipples and navel done. Also more ear piercings. that's about it. :3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I had to get a new phone. The old one died and I lost a lot of contacts so that really sucks. But otherwise, this phone is pretty boss.

And I've found you never really know someone until they find out they can't have something they want to have. You also see how many colors can truly fill a person's personality when told to speak honestly about someone they claim to be "honest" with.

Over all I just think I'm devilishly amused.

I'm Queen Bitch of The Castle.

And I have a dragon. And a cannon. Try to move me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I realized that sometimes you think you've let go of an old hurt and it suddenly resurfaces just because of what someone else said. A very dear to my heart friend said something similar to what an old love of mine said and I couldn't help but feel the tears well up. I guess my heart still aches for what I used to have - maybe not the person- but definitely the love I used to have.

But I know that as much as I care about this friend, I need someone I can physically see and touch more than once in a few months or even once a month. I need more than that.

I've been shattered too many times to try going the distance again.

I just hope I don't hurt him or ruin this.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Hey You.

I read your poem again - the Ode To Hope one that still breaks my heart. You might be asking me why I read it but it's because I know you knew me better than you thought. And we got so lost along the way, but I know that you knew me. I just guess we really weren't meant to be. I'm really afraid of things like this, ya know? Opening up, letting someone in. But I think you knew that. Or at least, I try to think that you did and maybe you were just as afraid as I was but just expressed it differently. Some days, I just really wish I could talk to you.

I really, really do.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Topic Rant of The Day: Multiple Things

1. Going to the bookstore and finding out that the book you want isn't there- BUT THE COMPUTER SAYS IT'S THERE.

2. Gossip hounds. I get that some people really have nothing better to do with their lives and find that creating rumors/lies/falsities/whathaveyou makes their life have more meaning. But honestly? Why the fuck does what someone else is doing have such a bearing on your life all of a sudden? Go find something that makes you happy - that doesn't involve trying to shun someone because you think you're a special snowflake.

3. Two-faced people. I don't even know if I have to really go into this one. If you don't like someone, don't like them, but don't be a two-faced twat about it. If you're gonna be a twat, at least be an honest one.

4. Trying to figure out if asking if a place is hiring is worth the effort. I don't like being rejected when I'm looking for a job but it does tend to happen. I just would really like to work at the bookstore and am really unsure if they are hiring but I don't know if I want to ask.

5. People who play bad music. Your music sucks which means I don't want to hear it. Don't make me turn up my music to drown out yours. >8|

6. Cramps. This goes along with being more irritable than usual.

7. Arguing with people over other people's decisions. Seriously, it has nothing to do with either of us so why does it matter?

And that's the end of the mini rant block.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Usually I don't tell anyone about my underlying problems because I don't think it's anyone's business. But sometimes, when you're close to someone you just start talking and eventually break down. It's hard sometimes to feel human when all you need to be is not human - to be unfeeling and uncaring because some people just want to tear you down because they think it's easy. Or that they have the right to do so. And sometimes, you'd rather just not let the pain and anguish of those underlying issues sweep you up like a riptide across the sand. And to be blunt- I hate fucking crying.

I've said in my journal before that my grandfather is dying. Around my birthday in November, I swore he was just going to collapse and fade from this world and I didn't know if he would see another Christmas at that point. He pulled through and sometimes, I wish he hadn't. That's not to say I'm cruel and just want him to die, it's more like - he's barely alive now. Breathing and sitting is not a way to live. My Nana is who I'm most concerned about. I know she doesn't want to lose him and she has the same hope I do - that somehow, he'll just be okay. But we both know that it won't happen. That he won't get better. That he won't be okay. That he won't remember anything beyond my Nana. That he won't be able to talk again. That he won't be able to take care of himself like he used to be able to do.

When I was growing up, my grandfather was a big muscular man despite being in his 50s. He had served in the army and worked as a cook. My grandfather used to pick me up and make me sandwiches and walk me down the street. My grandfather was my hero. In some way, he was also my dad. He helped raise me while my mum worked her two jobs and my nana had to work. He took care of me when I was sick and my mum couldn't stay home to help me. He's part of the reason I love tattoos so much because I would sit in his lap and trace the tattoo that's on his bicep.

I remember the big, strong, wonderful man that made me feel accepted every day of my life even when my own father would try to tear me down and mentally kick me into the ground because I just couldn't do anything right as far as he was concerned. I remember the man who promised to walk me down the isle.

When I went to visit my Nana and Papa last week, I didn't see that man. I saw what was the withered remains of that man because of the sickness that destroyed his body. I don't even know if he knew I was there. I don't know if he knew that I told him I loved him or that I held his hand no matter how brief it was. I couldn't look at him without feeling like I would break down because the Papa I knew would have been disgusted at the man he had became. My Papa was a proud, proud man.

And even though he's not the same man, I'm still proud to call him my grandfather. I just hope that he finds his peaceful end soon and knows that he's loved by his whole family.

I just hope that when he goes, my Nana, mum, and I will all survive.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Even with all the confidence and self-importance, I usually feel pretty damn unnecessary.

I wonder if that will change.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Even when I try to escape you with the burn of alcohol, you still manage to invade my thoughts.

Goddammit, why did you leave me?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I wonder how you died sometimes. I know you killed yourself but I sometimes wonder how you went about.

And then I don't want to know because I want to think it was almost graceful instead of being cruel and painful.

I just want you to know that I loved you, R/C. I loved you. I still love you.

Even in these drunken moments, even in these sober moments, I love you and wish you hadn't left me here.

I love you.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I think it's hilarious when people still try to blame shit on me when I wasn't in the wrong and was clearly told that they were in the wrong and I still wasn't in the wrong.

I'm not gonna apologize for being rough around the edges.

I won't apologize for being myself.

I won't apologize for being bluntly honest and/or hurting someone's feelings with that honesty.

Take it or leave it. I'm not expecting you to like me, in fact, I don't give a shit.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's like I have words carved all over my flesh. I feel like I can't look at myself without seeing something wrong, like all the hate-filled words have been imprinted on my skin like a brand. When I think about what I want and what I need, I feel like screaming until my throat's raw. I don't know how to take the lack of everything that defines what can make someone like me happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy but I've tasted it on my tongue and I feel like the tears will slip free of my eyes if I focus too much upon it. Inside, it's like something is trying to escape my ribcage and tear right out of me. A scream, a laugh - something darker than what I show on the outside. I want to break free of this shell - to not feel so attached to things and people that could very well end up meaning nothing to me one day. And yet even the people who seem to show so little care about my well-being still have some connection.

I need to erase it.

It's like I crave something and nothing I eat can satisfy it. It's like having an itch that you can't scratch no matter how you twist and dig in your fingernails. I want to escape from this reality. I want to find my own dream of safety that transcends realism and makes me feel like I'm in a state of constant dreaming and awareness- almost like being lucid. And yet feel like I'm completely sane and awake. Maybe it's crazy - maybe it's some kind of insanity slipping between my neurons and layers of grey matter - but I want it like nothing else.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

On the drive home from Maine, all I could think was how you would be missing all the fireworks. It feels like yesterday I learned you died instead of almost three months ago. Fuck. Almost three months? How is that even possible? It feels like such a blur to me. I keep thinking of things that I'll never get to experience, little things like hearing your voice or seeing you smile or holding your hand. I guess I'm still deluding myself into thinking that you'll appear again like some bad dream finally ending. I kept thinking that if you just gave me enough time I'd work up the courage to message you and tell you that I was sorry and that I missed you. That we could fix things.

I start getting misty eyed every time I hear the song I dedicated to you when I go out to places. I think of how nice it would have been to have you visit me at work like you had written down in your poem [Cheap flowers, not real ones, though I know you wouldn't care regardless or insist upon such things anyways].

I keep thinking about the 'what ifs' and how I have these dreams of you settling in next to me and just holding my hand. I remember how flattered you were when I said I had a secret obsession over your hands.

I miss the person that I knew. And now, I'll never know the person that I didn't.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I think I need to just disappear for awhile.

I don't know when that will be but I'm starting to think I'm just mentally deteriorating. I feel really hopeless and stressed and just overwhelmed. I'd rather not leave my bed every day. I don't really care if I eat something.

I miss having someone to come home to and at the same time, I'd rather just be left alone.

I'd rather just fade into the nothingness.

My passion for poetry has pretty much shriveled up into nothing. I don't really want to write anything and it kills me that I don't and at the same time, I just don't care.

And now I gotta get ready for work and sweep all of these emotions under the rug.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I cried myself to sleep this morning because I just couldn't go to sleep. There are so many things that I wish for but I can't seem to have any of them - especially the farfetched wishes that can't ever come true now. I thought of what it would be like to hold your hand and how if I had been crying, you would have brushed the hair from my face and told me it was okay. That everything would be okay and you would hold my hand so tight that it would feel like you never wanted to let go.

I feel like I've just been sucked into a black void with no one to realize that I might not be able to pull myself out this time. I don't want to eat even when I'm hungry. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay home and sleep. It just feels like I'm screaming but nothing is coming out of my mouth. If I'm not angry I'm sad, and if I'm neither of those I'm just sort of neutrally content. I have brief moments of at least decent contentment but I still can't get out of this mentality.

"Talk about what's bothering you."
"Talk about what's bothering you."
"Talk about what's bothering you."

I'll crumble apart. I'm doing okay even if I have to fake it until I feel something more than this damnation. But it's hard.

I'm not happy. And I'm starting to wonder if I will be again.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9ukpl5aFnY&feature=related[/video]
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm trying really hard to move forward. It's just hard because I miss you so much. I think about all the things we never got to do and how I never got that phone call that I desperately wanted. It's just tough, ya know? I know I won't be sad forever and there are days when I can listen to our songs and feel okay for a little while but it's still really hard.

I'm glad she and I are talking. It's almost ironic that we had such a clash because of you but now that you're gone, we're almost friends, I guess you could say. It's sad but...I'm glad I'm not so alone in my grief. I think we both know how much it hurt to lose you - how much it still hurts - and we're just trying to get by. We both have to keep busy so we don't fall apart but there are days where it's so tough we might break.

She's trying, I can tell and I'm trying, too. I just hope there comes a day where I can smile after having a dream of you instead of feeling so lost and sad.

Just keep swimming~
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm just exhausted today and I'm just starting to get tired of things and people in general.

I dunno. There are very few people I care about and that list seems to be dwindling away.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I guess it makes sense that it's been exactly three months since you died that I would see something in the news that would make me cry. I found out that the FDA approved of a drug that can prevent HIV and increases prevention with condoms. It's something bittersweet to read because I know you probably would have been as happy as I would have been had you been here.

I hope that this drug helps someone else so they don't have to lose their Rory. I hope that it can help change lives. Most of all, I hope that they are given that time I lost with you.

I miss you. I really miss you.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's been awhile since I've posted in here [Omg, almost a week! For shame!] but I've been steadily moving forward. It probably isn't as much of an improvement as I want it to be but I feel happy more often than not. I do have my sad moments, but it's like my man just knows when to pick me back up. It's comforting in a way I've been needing for a long time. I don't feel like he'll let me fall without catching me. It's a good feeling to know that my feelings are returned just as strongly and I don't have to hold myself back for fear that "it might be too much." I'm just accepted. It's a very humbling and just wonderful feeling.

I got to see an awesome friend this weekend [You know who you are!] and it was pretty cool though I got a hangover [My gawd! The first one ever!] but it was small and didn't last very long, but my stomach was out of sorts most of the day with that weird "I'm nauseous but hungry" feeling. It just means I need to be more careful when I got out drinking or try not to sober up so fast. [As in chug water just to get it through my system.]

Finally got a new webcam so I can chat with my man without it seeming so horrendously awkward and creeper-ish. It's fun though. We played a little halo and it was great. 8D I love that he loves playing halo with me so much. It makes me feel less like a dork. Haha.

But yeah, I hope this feeling lasts. I'm happy and content in my relationship with him and feel like he is, too. It'll just be that more amazing when he comes to see me in the next two weeks or so.

<3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's a bit belated, but use this for next time: if you know you're going out drinking, have some orange juice and bagels in the house for the morning after. I learned that some years back. Bagels(or muffins, or any heavy bread, or just a good amount of bread in general) will soak up alcohol still in your stomach, and OJ just has a litany of vitamins that will help bring your system back up to speed; it needs that boost, as it's been spending its resources fighting the alcohol you put in. It's no 'hangover cure,' but it's one of a few things I've found to make a real difference.

I got blackout drunk once, and I'm told I chugged a bottle of hot sauce. I woke up four hours later feeling like a million bucks. That one's still in the experimental stage, so I can't quite recommend it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I've gotten mad drunk before without a hangover. I think it was just too much alcohol + having to drive + not getting any decent sleep. Otherwise, I'm usually fine.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm kind of freaking out here.

It's weird not being able to spend practically any money until I get paid on friday. And I mean..I can spend like fifteen bucks and that's already spent in my head on shampoo and stuff that I need. Then I have to pay rent and bills and whatever is left is what I'll have for two weeks. Which will probably be less than 300$. It's weird. It's been awhile since I've only had that much money in the bank. But then I only had to spend it on gas and if I was going out anywhere special. But I have to go food shopping soon. And then I have to get a hair cut which I could probably put off for another month or so. Buying new clothes is out of the question until september. Going out anywhere is gonna be limited for a little bit. I still haven't gotten my friend's birthday present because I'm broke. [Broke being despite having some money in the bank, I can't touch any of it because it's for my rent.]

Hopefully I can build my money back up without having to worry TOO much about next month's rent. I get paid two more times after friday so I'm really trying to make sure I don't spend a lot. I haven't taken a day off the entire summer minus fourth of July because my work was closed. My three day weekends are nice but it would be nice to just take a real day off. The only time I'm taking time off is when I see my boyfriend and even then I'm still trying to figure out which days to take off and if I should leave early instead of taking the entire day off. It's really confusing right now.

My mum keeps saying I shouldn't worry, but it's hard not to worry. And it's not like I'm wicked flimsy with my money anyways. It's just a bit rough right now. Ugh. It'll just be nice when I can go out and not have to budget my money or worry about how much something will cost me.

/end rant.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I hate when I start feeling those little insecurities bubbling up to the surface and sometimes it doesn't take much to trigger them. I tramp them down, store them away, and pretend that something that is really bothering me means nothing. I'll smile it away and then try to rationalize in my head why it shouldn't bother me, and yet I feel that awful ache in my stomach no matter how much I try to reason it away. Sometimes you just can't.

And it hurts when you know that someone you were with made you feel more insecure after it ended.

I've always had an issue with trust, but now it's worse than it was before. I can't really say what it is anymore but instead of someone just leaving me, I expect them to hurt me emotionally before they do. I hate it but it's there. It's a scar that I don't know when it might fade or even partially heal.

For me, when I learned about being cheated on, it crushed me. I had to leave work because I could barely hold myself together and then when I got home all I could do was scream and cry. I was angry- so fucking angry- and mean. I think I ended up bombing an exam the next day because I was so out of it and hurt. Yet I didn't end it then. I tried to fix it and ended up setting a bunch of rules in place. As much as those rules gave me peace of mind, they couldn't fix what was broken. Nothing I did could fix it because I couldn't let myself trust him like I had. In all honesty, he broke me. He broke some part of me that I've been working on fixing steadily.

That's in the past but it's sometimes just something that bubbles to the surface because when I'm in a relationship with someone I don't ask for much - just be honest with me and don't break my heart and I'll protect yours. I'll give you everything because when I fall, I fall hard and I fall fast. I know I can be overwhelming because I can be so affectionate but that's how I'm built. I express most of my feelings through body language and touch and when I can't? Texting, phone calls, little messages, whatever. And that just leads into another insecurity of being good enough or having my feelings returned.

I think that's a mini rant to look at for another day. Right now I'm tired and just trying to turn my brain on completely and not let my insecurities mess with me today. It's rough but you can't let those insecurities let you miss out on something good which is why I took a chance and am taking a risk with my boyfriend. He does make me happy yet sometimes those insecurities just bubble up and I know it's not his fault. We both got problems so I just try to work on mine.

I think I'm just starting to ramble now so I'll cut this short. Ish.
 
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