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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I've already cut down on snacking a lot. And if I'm feeling nibbly, I usually just grab a popsicle. Oh, vigorous activity. I'll just have to start working out.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

If I could offer some advice, then read further. If not, then just ignore the bottom half of this.




You gain weight when your body is not provided with enough nutrients and when your blood is not alkaline enough. You lose energy when the food you eat does not have the proper enzymes in it, thus forcing your body to produce said enzymes when it would normally use those enzymes to run the metabolic systems in your body(you know, like chemical reactions, heart rate and breathing). Our blood needs to maintain a pH level of 7.3-7.4 If it goes up or down even a point, you will die. Your body has a way to defend itself against the acid-forming foods we consume and that's by taking the acid in your blood and storing it in fat cells to create a buffer and to keep it from eating into your organs. The more acid-forming foods you eat, the more fat cells your body produces. When the acidity in your blood goes down as you eat more alkaline foods, then your body realizes it doesn't need as much fat to protect itself and you will lose those pounds. Honestly, I'm not on a strict vegetarian diet and I'm not being more active at all. I just changed the balance of sugars and sodium and animal products in my diet to include more fruits and vegetables and the pounds have been melting off progressively but enough for me to notice a big change. Despite still having belly enough to grab with two inches separating my finger from my thumb, people have started commenting that I look smaller(despite nobody knowing about my change in eating habits).

Nobody said that eating fruits and vegetables meant that you had to force yourself to eat crap you don't like - it's not gonna do you much good if you don't eat it and willingness is how you even get it to your mouth in the first place. Even starting small with a fruit a day is enough to start balancing stuff out. Before I started, I had tasted most of the common fruits out there and the only vegetables I liked(read: had actually tried them) were broccoli, green beans, corn, potatoes, carrots, celery, and bell peppers(but only cooked). You just have to experiment and find what tastes good to you and try things more than just a lick(like, I made my first raw vegetables soup and despite turning my nose up at it for the first tiny spoonful, I forced myself to sit down with it and take small bites before I realized it really wasn't all that bad; but honestly, if you can't stomach it, then stop and try something different. You seriously won't run out of options as there are plenty of vegetables out there and tons of combinations to make with them).

And there's no saying that you can't condiment it up. I hate cucumbers alone but get me some garlic and herb cheese spread and cucumber slices can be a nice little snack. Ranch dressing is my thing. I put it on fucking everything(2 tbsp of the Light Hidden Valley is 60 calories and believe it or not 2 tbsp can go a long way). If it gets you eating them, then having a little cracker with your tomato slices or slathering your kale salad in dressing is a hell of a lot better than chips and dip which have no value at all. I like to make soups with vegetables I am less fond of mixing them with vegetables and fruits I actually enjoy and I add spices(basically, I look up regular soup recipes and do everything except cook them, it still tastes great; but even if you cook it, again, it's better than eating a plateful of fried chicken and french fries). Personally, after a week of eating mostly vegetables and then breaking and eating pizza for one night(a slice was all I fucking had), within the hour, it felt like I'd swallowed a goddam whale and he was trying to get revenge on me by playing jump rope with my organs. You might find it easier than I did to bounce back and forth with things you normally eat and some vegetables/fruits.

Just listen to your body and how you feel after eating. Feeling bloated or like you need to take a nap after a meal is not a normal occurrence of human digestion.

If you're fine with how you feel and popsicles do it for you in the long-term, then just forget it. Nvm. ^^;

Also, I found this and since you were talking about freaky sharks in chat the other week(my memory is spotty), it reminded me of you:

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma1ss9pVLu1qjcofzo1_1280.jpg
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Squeee. <3 Sand tiger sharks. <3


And I'll take your advice to heart. I've been just trying to balance out how much I eat and figuring out what I need. I need to really start taking more vitamins and then trying to eat more fruits and veggies. I only like veggies a certain way depending on what it is so it's really hard for me. Like super hard unlike my roommate who can just eat pretty much any vegetable anyway and be like "Yum, this is great." Gag me.

But yeah, I'll keep that in mind. =]
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I wanna learn how to make love to something innocent without leaving any fingerprints.

I wonder how my mind became so twisted. When I think of what I RP, it makes me believe I'm letting different facets of my personality slide out and be personified into something tangible that I can control and grasp. I think a lot of it has to do with what I feel is a split in my personality. I think of myself in four different segments: A strong, dominating, sensual man that can control a situation no matter his mentality and want to fulfill disturbing desires. A strong, beautiful, sexual woman that can weave a web of seduction while stealing someone's breath away with just a glance and a few choice words. A demur, innocent woman who supplicates herself at the hands of the only one who has earned her submissive sensuality. A screaming, scared, delusional mixture of man and woman who runs from all the other segments and yet tries to capture them and fuse them together into a perfect being who is no longer afraid of themselves and their own sexuality. An individual who can take control as easily as breathing and then give it up to that special someone without fear of that trust being destroyed into oblivion. And yet, and yet....

It's like there is a darkness that invades all of the segments as if to tie them together, that ultimate subconscious that keeps the segments separate yet together. It's like a game of tug-a-war to see which will win out: my consciousness or subconsciousness. There is a reason for my madness, for my chaotic way of thinking: There's a reason for my Hahvoc persona. It's me and yet not me. It's who I am and yet not. It's an escape and a prison all at once. I hold the keys and yet I can't find them anywhere. And so I scream without a voice while damning and saving myself. I'm the biggest contradiction that I know of. And yet I am just me and no one else is like me. Yet I fear the destruction of myself as if someone can set my soul on fire and turn me to ashes. If I ever find someone who threatens my very existence, would I run? Would I fall? Would I hide myself? Would I give in? Perhaps there is no one who can bring my segments together or my own soul to the forefront of desire and need, and hopefulness. Maybe I am damned to be a singularity in my world of darkness and light. Maybe I am meant for this.

Or maybe I am meant to destroy everything that blocks me from absolution.

One day I will find out.

My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Okay, It doesn't have to be sympathy but compassion or at least politeness goes a long way. Be there as a friend and while you don't have to coddle her you don't have to tear her down either. Many of us were here when you had issues with your dad, and there were those that felt you were being spoiled on matters when you felt otherwise. Its not a matter of how much money is spent or how much goes on, its a matter of how she's interpreting it. She's still your roommate, someone you trusted enough to live with, thus it wouldn't hurt to at least be delicate. Her having money saved up doesn't ease the blow of what it appears she interprets as her dad being "mean" as it were, some people overreact but as a friend its nice to be there to offer a hand and a smile without judgment.
If it really bugs you, explain to her gently in time, but for now let her have her moment, we all need em.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I kind of just left her alone about it. I didn't really have anything pleasant to say besides what I had said yesterday that she should get over it but talk to her dad if it is really bothering her what he said. I was nice to her yesterday about all of it because I know how rough it can be. My father is just a different matter. Not gonna say it's not so different I don't get it, but it's different enough for me to not really see what exactly she's crying about.

She got another email today from him saying that he's spend about a quarter of a million dollars on her and her brother since her parents got divorced when she was about fourteen/sixteen or something like that. And he also said a bunch of other stuff saying that he's not completely cutting her off, just asking if she can get by with a little less money from him. He also didn't call her or her brother for about a month or so to see if either of them would call him since he felt like they didn't care as much about him. And well, they didn't call. My father is very well aware of why I don't call him as much as he would like me too. As much as I don't really know her father, I know that he's not that bad of a guy and pretty much stayed with her mother because of them until he just couldn't take it anymore.

So I dunno. I think the way she presented the new email to me like he had called her a spoiled bitch is what made me aggravated. I think it's because I know for a fact that her father never abandoned her and just expected her to grow up and deal with it. He never has so her attitude about it all just bothers me.

Maybe it's just the whole situation, but most of the time, when it comes to her issues with money and such, it drives me crazy so I'm usually quiet about it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

tumblr_mbhcykWZYk1rped57o1_500.jpg


La la la la la!!! 8D *shakes my arms fitfully*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well a close friend of mine whom I consider a brother got married yesterday and I found out today. He's currently stationed in Japan so I couldn't be there for him but I'm also a bit upset that he didn't even say anything to me.

And overall...I want to just cry. I'm not happy. I'm not happy with someone much less myself and I'm tired of feeling like I'm just sitting in a dark room trying to find the light switch. So many people I know are getting married or establishing good serious relationships while I feel like I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean just trying to find some peace of mind that I can firmly grasp onto. The only thing I'm accomplishing is getting a degree. Nothing else. A fucking piece of paper that says, "You're able to get a job! Good for you!"

I used to think I wanted kids and now...now I don't even know if I want that. I don't know what the fuck I want but not this. Not this shitty as fuck feeling that I'm "content." I don't even know what to call it. I'm not happy, not okay, just neutral. I'm not going hungry. I'm not completely broke. I have a job, I have school, and I do have friends who care. I have family that cares about me but I feel like the fabric of my life is being unwoven because I can't even be honest with them. I can't be honest with anyone to the point where I don't feel like I'm a fucking freak who has to hide themselves. Except for here. I can be as big of a freak as I know myself to be and people just shrug it off. But it's not living. It's not really fucking living.

I don't know but I'm just sick of being myself some days where I don't matter or some bullshit. I don't know. But really just...fuck.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

We all have masks with which we hide our true selves behind. be they to hide secrets, or to hide from fear of something. Life is always gonna be a pain in the ass for just about everyone, with varying people having varying degrees of it and even then different strengths of character.

I'm not going to say it'll be alright or you'll find your prince charming. a friend of mine is also tired of hearing all the bullcrap along those lines.

trick is to pick yourself off the ground, dust yourself off and unshackle yourself from the past. the path we walk is always going to be obscured, but as long as you are alive, you'll always recover, always have the strength to keep on walking that path. I live as a ghost, my online friends don't know who I am in real life, and vice versa. my path is hard, but it gives me enough strength to be able to keep on going.

as for 'I can't be honest with anyone to the point where I don't feel like I'm a fucking freak who has to hide themselves'....have you tried it? I'm being half hypocrit, half advisory here, but you'd be surprised people's reaction when you tell them what you are like. I don't tell people what I'm like as it'll blow my cover (and no, I don't go down the fucking 'secret agent' bullcrap) and stop me doing something I enjoy doing.

Oh, and I know someone in the same shoes....but I think bridges were more drowned in Magma both sides rather then burnt. your choice whether you feel any reason to actually talk as I recall you both did. People get sick of themselves at times...some are just better at it then others.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Honestly, do not tell me you are a friend of Blade's.

Besides that and your blatant disregard for anyone "older than you" most of your advise is pretty null. I know how to handle myself, that's how I survive. I get the fuck back up after metaphorically screaming it all out of my system. Just because it's hard for me to get close to people doesn't mean I won't stop trying because not everyone is out to hurt me - something that has taken me a long time to come to terms with - and some people are actually worthy of my trust.

I have some serious dark shit that goes on in my head and I keep a lot of it to myself for a very good reason. I let some of it out on this site because it's safe for me to do so. Otherwise, no one else needs to really know.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well I don't think Blade would be very helpful for this, do you? not him that I'm on about anyway, as I'm pretty sure his head is rolling around with the joys of financial ruin right about now. not to mention the big cross through his name here kinda says it all. it was someone I knew who started kinda feeling that the world was against them. heck took me about a year to get them to come out of that and start to talk to people again. it's a long story why I deleted him which I won't get into. but same scenario different person.

And as for disregard for anyone older then me...didn't realise I came off as that so guess I can't argue for or against it. Thats something I need to work on.

I could answer the rest, but to be honest, I feel I shouldn't. we'd be stuck in an arguement in a thread over what I meant and I'd rather avoid that at all costs.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Considering it's my journal and not a place for arguments, I suggest you keep out of it if you feel you'll get into an argument with me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Maybe people don't want to read this but I seriously want to fuck an Asian. I do. I really do. It's been my fantasy for a long time. And an Irishman. Yeah, just yeah.

But sex in general would be nice. And kisses. Kisses would be nice.

Fuck I'm breaking down. @_@

This would be easier if I could talk to people more readily and more..flirtily? Or whatever. That's not even a word. Ugh.

Just be able to talk to guys I find attractive without blushing like a loser or turning my "all business" face on.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I really miss you, RC. I'm still trying to let go of you in the way that I need to, but you're a piece of me and I can't let go of that. Eventually, this ache will go away. Eventually, the tears will diminish further. I don't think I'll ever be able to read your poems without crying, but maybe one day they won't be so filled with sadness.

I finally translated all the french. It makes me sad to read some of your inner thoughts but at the same time know that you held me just as tightly as I did you.

Yet this all feels so late. Too late, in fact. But part of me believes that you thought of me fondly before the end even if you thought I was mad at you and wouldn't forgive you. I would have. I have, in fact.

Sometimes I just feel like telling you with my words, tears, and heart, and pray that it's enough. That you know.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm glad I decided to start working out again. I feel better every day even though my sleeping patterns are still pretty shitty. I like knowing that I'm changing myself for myself and doing right by me. I've already lost a little weight and that makes me happy. Plus, my skin is starting to clear up more since I'm getting some of the junk out of my pores so I wear less cover up. It's a nice feeling knowing that when this is all over I'll feel like myself and look the way I've wanted to look for a really long time.

I'm not happy yet but I'm okay now. I feel okay now that I've got something to look forward to. I don't feel as depressed or shitty with everyone being happy and having lovers, etc, etc. It's nice to just focus on me and my stuff and not feel so stressed. Working out is hard but life is hard and I'd rather be stronger to face whatever else I'll be dished out. A more positive outlook but it's how I feel right now so hopefully this good feeling will continue to last.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Its ok, one day I will come to you, and hold you in my arms, lean in close and whisper. "Now that I can lift you with one arm..I'm gonna hurl you like a lawn dart."
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Its great you think I'm joking, I'll come up and seduce you. Wine, a candle
lit dinner and when I get close and you close your eyes for the kiss...woosh!

At first I was joking but now I'm actually kind of wondering if I could throw a grown woman like that...she'd have to be pretty stiff
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It seems to be official now. My grandpa is dying. Every time I was listening to him breathe I could hear the fluid in his lungs. It's an awful sound. I called out of work and cancelled any plans for today. I don't know what to feel except resigned. Part of me wants to cry but I feel like I have to work up to it. I'm dreading the next phone call.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's official. My Papa has passed away. One of the men who helped raised me finally was able to close his eyes for good after years of suffering and losing his mind to Alzheimer's.

The one comfort I have is that I know that regardless of how many memories he lost, he never forgot my nana or his love for her.

RIP Papa. I'll always love you and will always remember the promise you made to a four-year-old girl who wanted you to walk her down the aisle.
 
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