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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Cried and know I'll be crying some more, just don't have it in me right now.

I find that the people I care about the most are the people I have the hardest time being around. Not because I don't care about them to the degree that I do, but because of how I'm used to the interactions. I'm used to a computer screen and typing/video chatting. I'm not used to them being right there and I find it's overwhelming. I think some of it is because I can't necessarily put physical distance between them when I may want to - whether conscious or subconscious.

Or maybe it's the fact I have to instantly deal with my feelings. I have to react without thinking it over, take on a situation that's new, and learn to adapt. I've always had trouble with emotions, especially the more immediate and powerful ones. When things are subtle, something I can ease into, I don't feel so distraught and overwhelmed. And when I need the contact, it's much easier for me to give. Sometimes though, I need to be overwhelmed and not allowed to think and to just react purely on instinct.

Emotions are strange things. Especially mine.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Emotions most definitely are a strange thing. But it's good to embrace them and come to understand them the best you can, even when they may seem a bit out there at times. Or even overwhelming. It's those overwhelming ones that help us grow as people and learn better who we are and how we operate.

But anyways, the emotions you feel are what make you uniquely you. And that unique person is one of the best people I know. So, from where I'm standing that's not a bad thing at all. In fact, I think a lot of people could probably learn a bit from how you deal with yours given how strong yours are at times. I give you credit there, a lot of it. I, too, experience rather overwhelming emotions, only they manifest a bit differently. Despite that, learning how to diffuse them in a way that's healthy and all that is not easy no matter how they decide to manifest. Personally, I admire the way in which you deal with them as I don't always do so in the best of ways. I try, but I still have a ways to go. That said, know that someone out there thinks you do a pretty good job of it and thinks your a great person because of the emotions you have.

<333
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Thanks, DA. I just remember when I was growing up and having emotions was the most stressful thing in the world because my mood swings were constant and overwhelming in general so I had to learn to shut them off and then learn how to deal with each as best as I could. I used to cry extremely easily when I was growing up, it didn't take much and that was degrading in a way.

Now though, good luck trying to get me to cry. I'll laugh first. Though, I do believe that because I had to go from one extreme to another that I damaged myself without meaning to. It was a "lesser of two evils" kind of thing. As much as I can express emotions, sometimes it's much harder for me to feel them. It's like those people who smile but only if you are watching carefully you can find that it doesn't quite reach their eyes.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

How does it feel to know that somewhere out there, there is someone who can weave words and stories, and intellect better than you can? For those are are very logical and intelligent, it makes sense that there is someone out there who can speak and write in a way that steals even your breath. Does it tip your world upside down? Does it scare you? Or does it fascinate you beyond all reason? For myself, I find myself drawn to it - almost captivated. I seek, in my own demented way, to claim it for my own. Not to keep from the world, no, but to know such a person, such an idealistic thing, intimately. To know that person's physical and mental contours in a way that can only be described as beautiful insanity. To make love to this person's body and mind in such a way that it is all-consuming - even if only for a brief moment in time. To feel, in a way, that you've met your equal if only in passing. To have that feeling, to have some control over it, would be orgasmic in nature. It would be pleasure unlike anything. It would be sadistic beauty in a rare form.

I have the feeling this has more to do with my darker personality, but I can't deny that part of myself quivers with a delight unknown before to meet such a creature and try to either know it more intimately than myself, or destroy it to a point where it can be easily manipulated.

Now that I think of it, I am pretty twisted. Oh well.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Yes, you are twisted but that's what makes you interesting :)

In answer to your hypothetical question, though, I love it when I meet a writer better than me, who can draw me into their world and lead me around to the point that I'm chomping at the bit for more. There's no better feeling in the world than getting into a book so deeply that hours go by without you noticing it until you finally put the book down. When I find an author like that, I have to get all their other books and if its their first I curse the slowness of the publishing industry, lol.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

It's not about an author, to be honest. Just someone who can write with such a way that it's ensnaring. Or even with just a way of talking.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

So last night I cried.

I let myself cry about the loss of a friend's pet because, in essence, it had been my dog as well. It made me think of my ex's dog who also had to be put down before I could get a chance to see him again. I loved both of those dogs so much that it destroyed me to know they were gone. It felt like I had broken promises to them both. That I would come back and see them and never did. How long did they wait around for me? It sounds silly in one manner but utterly enveloping in another. They were my boys, my old men, and now they are both gone. Even just typing it makes me feel the tears coming on again. I won't see my puppy that my ex roommate and I had raised grow up because of all the shit he put me through and I told him he was dead to me. I miss my puppy. I miss my old men. I can't have any of them back.

So I guess it stands to make me realize that I had been feeling lonely without understanding it. Usually, I can pinpoint such an emotion to the minute of when I start to feel that way. I felt awful, almost feverish, and so exhausted that I didn't know why. Now I do. I've been feeling lonely without my dogs. I want my boys - my lovers - to be here with me and just hold me. I slept terribly last night and the only comforting thing with Ziggy being curled up beside me as if to say, "It's okay, I'm still here." I can't even imagine the pain I will go through when my cat dies. It will be agony.

Some days I feel like I'll never stop being lonely, that some little part of me will always be missing and I don't know what it is. I love my boys, I'm happy with them, but then I just feel myself fall into this darkness that I can't pull myself out of - and sometimes, I don't want to. Is it selfish? Probably in part. I feel the arms of my other personality hug me, but they aren't actually there. It's all in my head. She tries to comfort me, offer me solace, try to touch me in a way she knows I need, but it doesn't work. It never does. She feels the sorrowful burden just as I do. It harms us both.

Eventually I pull myself out of it, I just find it frightening that it took me until I was on the verge of tears to figure out I was lonely. My self-awareness is hardly ever this low. I probably need to get more sleep or maybe interact with friends or people more. I don't honestly know. For once, I really don't.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH

How dare you go and say you know something about a relationship that ended YEARS ago that you basically knew squat about to begin with. You fugly little toad. How dare you call me a CUNT when all I said was to grow up because you were acting ridiculous. How motherfucking dare you proceed to message me and calling me fucking stupid because I actually know shit that you don't? Go rot in an acid-laced ditch, you asswipe.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel a damn thing.


And then I remember it's the only way I know I'm actually alive.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

JUST FUCK EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.

All of my emotions are turning off and I want to throw something at someone. I just want to hurt someone so I can actually feel something other than the horrible churning feeling in the pit of my stomach.

There's no remedy for this shit. Fuck it all.

And to everyone else:

Keep your motherfucking opinion to yourself. Stay the fuck out of my business and stop talking about my relationships, you fucking spineless cowards.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Not sure what's going on, and its none of my business either way, but I'm here for you if you want to talk or just need a hug.

*Hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well with no sunlight. There's a voice in my head that is a whisper saying, "Just hold on...just hold on." What is there to hold onto when the walls are smoothed flat with no niches to grab? What is there to hold onto when the emotions run away from you? What is there to hold onto when words escape like demons fleeing from their well-known prisons? What is there to hold onto when the world you knew is crumbling around you like battered castle walls? I wonder if I'm in a state of shock. I feel numb, I want to cry but I can't, I want to feel something else but I can't. Smiling is fake. Laughing is fake. Everything else seems fake and desolate. I feel like I'm in a kaleidoscope and at any moment the setting will change regardless of my will.

Hatter wraps her arms around me, crying the tears I cannot. She weeps with pain I cannot feel. She takes it all onto her shoulders. She shakes against me, trying to be strong for me, but instead she takes all of my anguish to make me strong for a little while. The only thing I can feel is cold because she has no warmth. She isn't really there.

The pieces of a heart vanish into the wind that cries out in a breath of sorrow. I have no places left to run to. Unless I want the darkness to be my home once more, I have to keep running and searching for that light that gave me hope. That made me believe. That gave me strength. My emotions are like sand through an hourglass: dwindling away into the pile that means absolutely nothing in the end. I wonder how you measure the time in an hourglass. It always baffled me. It was like a puzzle. Could an hourglass coincide with the beats of your heart? But what if it felt like it wasn't beating? Would the hourglass halt in its design? No, it would continue on, just like the rest of the world until eventually there was no sand.

I feel like that hourglass: Tipped over until all the contents are gone. I grasp for the pieces that make up me, but they slide through my fingers, unable to be held for more than a few brief moments. I curl up again in the recesses of my mind and weep. What will I be in the morning? What will I be tonight?

I have no answers.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Yay for being pissed. Some asshole used my debit card number, but since it couldn't be verified or whatever, the charge was reversed. Needless to say, it frauded my card so I now have to get a new one. Oh yeah, I ALSO JUST STARTED CLASSES.

THANK YOU, YOU FUCKING PRICK.

I have no cash on me, I don't have any checks, and I need to get money out so I can get simple supplies like notebooks. Hopefully, I have gas in my car or I'm gonna have to wait to go anywhere until tomorrow when I go to the bank and hand them my information to get checks and money.

Oh yeah, it's gonna take about 5-7 days to get a new one. LUCKY ME.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Had a really interesting dream last night. It had Vin Diesel and some person who's life I saw through her eyes. It played out honestly like a movie. It was intense and I was very sad when I woke up. Not because the dream had ended. But the life of the two characters and everyone in the dream ended very sadly.

-It was about two lovers who have met up at different points in history and at different stages of life. Eventually, they wind up in the same era at the same age of about 15. She can't remember him but he remembers everything. So she winds up dating other people and he tries to, but it never works out for either of them until she starts to remember things about him that she didn't know before and starts to realize that she had been with him before. Different things begin to trigger her memory and he waits patiently for her, realizing that they might have to go through another set of lives before she comes back to him. They go through this back and forth denial and waiting for about twelve years.

One night, while they are at her parents house and her family is out, she confronts him about everything. She strokes his cheek and tells him that sometimes, when he's looking at her, she asks him if he wishes she were a little girl again because he always looks so sad.

He replies, "It's not that I wish you were a little girl again. I just always saw you as one until now."

Eventually, they start a life together, and her brother finally gets married and has a beautiful girl. But it also seems like the girl knows too much or just seems that way. It scares the two travelers [that's what I came to call them]. They believe for a few years that the girl might have also been a traveler. When the world starts to change around them, becoming more advanced and technological, the couple realize that they aren't aging. Nothing about them has changed in the past five or six years. They come to the conclusion that because they missed so much time in the past, that they now had an infinite future. The knowledge of that is devastating.

The two of them eventually pack their things and say goodbye to their loved ones. They cannot stay in this new world. They move into an underground home where they get pictures and letters, gifts until they learn of their loved ones deaths. Eventually, the woman traveler starts to forget things. Years and years go by, maybe hundreds, maybe only fifty, but her memory starts to fade on some things. He is left to watch her mind vanish. But it doesn't last for long. Eventually, the entire world comes to an end and the two of them are locked in a beautiful, sorrowful kiss as everything falls apart around them with the final words of, "I'll see you in another life."
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

I think I ended up gaining weight. FML.

In all seriousness, I've never liked my body except maybe when I was 5 and didn't know what it meant to be "skinny" or "fat." I got curves, yeah, but I need to work on slimming down my tummy, arms, and legs. Yeah, yeah, I know Scotty and a few others don't think I need to lose weight/look great. But ya know, I'd like to look skinny without tossing on a corset, just saying.

I know it won't be too hard since I'm already walking around everywhere for classes and I'm already eating better. But too bad I can't just say, "Hey! Let me drop fifteen pounds ASAP!" Now that would be cool.

Oh well. On the road to losing weight...Again. <.<
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

I honestly have no idea what to feel right now. I'm excited and yet sad. I just found out that I have quite literally only five courses left to take [with the exception of maybe 1-2 electives that I might have to add in]. This is just beyond belief. I'm in shock, I think. When I finally got into the bio program in '09, I was told that I probably wouldn't be graduating until '13. Now I'll be graduating a whole year and a half earlier than what I was told. Basically, I'll have been in the bio program for only 2 1/2 years. How fucking sweet is that?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Uuuuuuuuuugh. Being sick sucks. Getting my assignments done in case I can't go to class tomorrow.
 
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