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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Hand me your heart
Right from the start
And I'll keep it safe
As long as you let me

Traveling in this cold
My love can't be sold
I have the will
To carry us forward

Come back to me someday
We can make it all okay
It's not the same
Without us being who we are

The scars will fade in time
As long as you stay
It's not the same
If you're not mine

Take me for everything
I'll take you for who you are
We'll be our perfect again
If you can try for me
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Pretty words are pretty.
Also, soothing. I'm glad to see something like this from you.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Tinkling firelight down your skin
Captured moonlight from within
Settle the silence with a sigh
Open your heart to the sky
Let the madness come back in
Tell the dreamer to start again
Close your mind to the lies
And listen for sweet alibis
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Press nails into the skin
Leave a mark
Give into sin

Teeth so white
They leave behind red
Beg me, darling,
Let me in

Tie up those wrists
So fragile but strong
Loving your body
Kissing away wrong

Sounds escape
From swollen lips
Screams erupt
Beg me, lover
Give in to me

Take every inch
With rapture
Cry out for more
Give in to disaster

Sin for me, darling
Give into pleasure
Give to me, darling
Make me your Master
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

There comes a time in everyone's life where they just feel "stuck." I've reached that point. I like my job but I'm not getting paid enough or doing enough with it. I like my school but I feel like I'm not doing enough. I love my boyfriend but we're stuck at this juncture and we're not sure if we'll get past it enough to keep on going. It's such an in between state of neutrality. I feel like I'm struggling again to find some semblance of being happy. I'm content, but I'm not happy. Something needs to change. I need something in my life and I'm not sure how to ask for it. Or go about asking for it. I can't really even find the words right now to just get everything off my chest and out of my head. Talking with ZG last night helped alleviate some of that stress, but it always bounces around in my head anyways.

Thankfully school is coming to an end for two weeks on the third and then I will be attending a summer course for six weeks. It will be tough, but something I need to do. I'm hoping to find a better job or at least work a lot more hours so I can get paid more and feel less like I'm being strangled for money. I think I'm getting sick from all the stress, lack of proper sleep, and worrying about getting all my work done this week for school. I hate that I procrastinate, but I get some of my best work done when I do. I have about two items due tomorrow, two on wednesday, and one on friday. So busy bee here. I'm gonna get about three of those items done today and the others over the course of the week. I just hope I do all those things properly. I need to get better grades.

And now my head hurts. Ugh.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

List of Tattoos To Get:

Lower back tat
Middle back tattoo
Phrase across shoulders
Second wrist tattoo
Second ankle tattoo
Cleavage tattoo
Nipple tattoos
Left ribcage tattoo
Two hip tattoos
Back of Neck tattoo

List of Piercings to Get:

Nipples
Tongue
Snake bites
Ears x4
Bellybutton
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

So I've been lacking in appearance lately, and well, things have been up and down and are now up again. I have been out of school for a week and will be starting class again on the 24th. I'll probably be burned out by the end of those grueling six weeks and not really into RPing, but I will try. I've been slacking on responses, I know. Don't worry, I'll be posting to all my RPs this week. So, I might be getting a wonderful present around July, but since I'm not sure if I'm getting it or not, I'm not going to specify what it might be. However, when I do get it, I probably won't be on as much.

On another note - I'm a flirt. I openly admit that. I didn't think I was a terrible flirt but I certainly can be. However, no matter how much I flirt and whatnot, we're just friends if we decide to be. I love my lovers and won't trade them in for anything. Been exploring my sexuality lately and things I've been wanting to do and well, I'm having fun. I would rather be spending my days with my SOs, but right now, that's not possible. I still love them all to death, especially my wonderful girl. Experimentation can be fun, but I'm not the type to go looking for people to do that with. If stuff happens, it happens.

Tonight I will be hanging out with my madre - whom I love to death. <3 And my stepdad and brother, of course. Haven't hung out with a friend of mine in forever so she and I are probably gonna go out to a late dinner and talk about all the shit she's been getting herself into. I see her as my daughter, so it's gonna be one of those, "I thought as much" kind of talks. Or something. I dunno yet. It was kind of out of the blue that she messaged me. I actually thought she may have just not wanted me around her anymore. Things like this happen. But, we'll see how this talk goes.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

So what do you do when you find yourself on the waking end of a curiously crazy nightmare? This morning [I didn't dream during the night], I had a waking dream. One of those dreams where you feel like you are awake and yet realize you aren't. I was in my bed, in an outfit I had been wearing the other day and heard a scream. I opened my eyes and realized that the TV was on. It was an odd sensation since I knew that I hadn't left the TV on. It was then that I heard a woman begging for her life. A man was saying that she had to die and that there was no way around it. He didn't sound remorseful. He sounded excited about the prospect of taking away her life. She begged and pleaded and I edged towards my open bedroom door, unable to speak or breathe. My mind was racing with what to do. I grabbed my house phone and saw that the light in the living room was on and I could see the man's shadow as he swung down a butcher knife. There was blood spatter on the floor.

I cringed, knowing that this was terribly wrong and overwhelming to a degree where I didn't know if I should call 9-1-1. Would he hear me? Would he know I was there? It seemed odd that he had gotten in in the first place. Why go to someone else's home to do such a terrible deed and possibly wake them up while in the process of it? My mind could not stop circling around that fact and that my security had been compromised. Clutching the phone to my chest, I thought about how I could get out of there without the man noticing me. It was strange because my room was different. There was another door that lead to a set of stairs outside, but they didn't seem like a good escape route. It was the weirdest sensation to be trapped. Finally, I dialed the police and told them that someone was in my house and I believed they had killed someone. They asked me if I had left the TV on. And it was that question, that strange almost funny observation that made me go, "Of course I didn't leave it on. Why would I do that?" It was like being mocked but also being stuck in a state of general curiosity. The TV was on. Someone was in my house. Someone was dead/dying and the part about the TV bothered me the most. Because it didn't fit into any of the picture regardless.

I thought about how I would escape, but I knew if I went into the kitchen, the man would probably hear me or see me and I didn't know if I wanted to face my possible [more than likely] murderer. I tried to think of any alternative that wouldn't get me killed. I thought of jumping out the window, but that was a two-story drop and more than likely would result in me breaking something important. So I sat there, waiting, thinking, planning. And as soon as I thought of an escape route, I woke up. I woke up and took in a deep breath and moved the blankets to check that I was in my Pjs and that all was silent in my apartment. It was a shocking experience to think that your security has been compromised. It made me wonder something, since some people believe that dreams can manifest what problems or situations you might be dealing with, what might be compromising my security? Or rather, what might be happening that is changing everything I know?

It makes me wonder if the random encounters that people experience can actually mess with their reality to such a degree. I meet new people all the time. Hell, I met a couple new people via Mumble. But I sometimes wonder, does that chance meeting really reflect that a ripple can cause a tidal wave in the fabric of living?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Night Club Goth

Music blares across the sound waves
Marking the dance floor like air waves
Lights stream all around
As everyone drowns
Gripped in a tight hold
Sweat covered clothes
Tongues and lips collide
Begging for more
Receiving in stride
Nails press in hard
While teeth take charge
Moans slip free
As he takes over she
The purple siren
Aiming to set her free
As he marks her skin
And she marks him
In a dance of temptation
That beautifully erases
All outside stimulation
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Two-toned

Touch the mirror
That doesn't reflect you
It changes to something else
Before you can even blink
The trembling in your limbs
Reflects in your eyes
As they change
And you slowly die

The world turns to blackness
As the pain remains
It's a slide of the knife
Pressing between your ribs
As you try to breathe
To save your soul

Your voice is not your own
Your body is not yours to control
Misshapen existence impersonates
The belief of imperfection
Being something beautiful
And exciting

Scream out the poison
Shed the tears of toxins
Rip away the cage
Pull apart the lock
And release the beast
As you collapse
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Don't.

Close your eyes
To the sound of salvation
Remove any compulsion
To feel the sensation

Believe in nothing
But the damnation
Brought about by love
And fueled by desperation

Carve out the ending
With your broken bones
As you close your eyes
And finally let go
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Valentine

Fingers pressing into blood shot eyes
Chaotic thoughts collide
Mouth torn open in a scream
Trying to dissolve away from the dream

Tears of black slide down
Staining the already tainted ground
Muscles strain to hold in the emotion
The pain becoming corrosive

The mind twists into a ladder
Leading towards something madder
The intensity of insanity evolves
To wreak havoc over all
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Internal

Screaming inside of this chasm
The echo is overpowering
But nothing else can be heard
Over the shattering of glass

Broken something else again
Never able to stop it
Scars mark the journey
As the soul splits apart

The darkness is suppressive
As the light is devoured
By the nightmare that's created
From being expressive

HCl Night

Take me into this caustic embrace
Let the acid wash over me
And consume what keeps me alive

Corrode what's left of my soul
Poison me with good bye
As you swallow me whole

This existence feels endless
Walking shadows extend before us
While the world grows more pointless

The hand that grips mine fades
As the blackness descends
You've finally gone away
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Come back to bed, love.
Show me what it means to feel.
This emptiness is showing,
And I got to play my part.

The mask is back in place, love.
Time to tear this world apart.
Don't shed a tear now, love.
We've barely made a start.

Pretend that my heart is there,
Maybe it'll mean something.
You wonder where we go from here,
I wonder if we're living.

Turn the clock around,
Try to find the problem.
This life has been run aground,
And there's no one who can save them.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Your poems are always so powerful and give me shivers. Seriously, so much talent, sweetie. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

I can see your suffering.
The darkness is flowing behind you.
But your wings are so bright,
As the tears glisten on your cheeks.

The burden has bent your shoulders.
The haunted look you bare,
Resembles that of soldiers
Who have no hope of going home.

Let me touch your soul,
The one you've tried to let go,
To give you some peace of mind
And give you more time.

Share your sorrows with me,
I can shoulder your tomorrows
Just let me help you sleep,
And sing you into dreams.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

[Ethereal Lust]

Staring into the ethereal light,
Skeletal souls bracket the air,
Bringing about the blackness
And settling with despair.

The hand that guides,
Binds the will tighter,
Making the breathing harder,
But the euphoria better.

The whiteness of skin,
Beautified by blood
Pooling into ruby pools,
That shimmer with sin.

The eyes burn with lust,
The light drowning out fear,
As the hand tightens the chain,
To pull his temptress near.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

These bloodied souls keep touching me,
I can't get them away.
I can't even speak.

It's like a cage around my chest
Squeezing too tightly to draw in breath,
Am I gonna lose the fight again?

It's as if there is no light,
All I see is burning buildings.
The cinders destroy my sanity.

My throat is raw from screaming,
And yet there was never a sound.
They broke my wings this time.

It feels like I can't keep going,
Can't keep pushing forward.
How will I survive this devastation?

The purity has been burned to ash,
And they keep whispering in my ear.
All I can do is shut my eyes and pray.

Lead me not into temptation,
But deliver me from evil,
There is no amen.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Turning away from the suffering,
Closing eyes to the trembling,
This instinct to live is consuming.

Clasping hands till they turn white,
Breathe in the pure light,
Let this brokenness take flight.

Needing to live awhile longer,
Pull apart your will to be stronger,
Make this life a little bit wronger.

We're burying you so far down,
Using the dirt to make you drown,
The grave will drink your sound.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

For those of you who don't know and just happen to glance at my journal - my poems are moving to a new home! This is the thread for those of you who want to check it out and comment at you leisure. I don't mind the criticism, so go right ahead and tell me what you like, what you'd like to see more of, or if you'd like me to write a poem for you.

Poems From Wonderland
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Lately, the darker half of my personality has started coming to the foreground. Am I afraid of this? Perhaps. Maybe I'm more afraid that that darker half that has been suppressed might be more of what I really am. It slinks through my mind like a serpent, holding me tightly and yet not enough to suffocate. It's like a caress, almost, a whispering against my mind. I gave this darker half a name - can you guess what it is? Well, this darker half of mine is like a protection - a defense mechanism that will sometimes go off without warning. It's also impulse and instinct and a lot of things people try to suppress. But I embrace her as a part of me while keeping her at a distance. I'm slightly afraid of what might happen if I become "whole." She's more dominant, more aggressive and I draw upon those tendencies - those desires- and yet find myself never quite as happy or fulfilled as I want to be. I'm not a completely whole or fixed person.

Can you admit to yourself that the darkness you are afraid of is at the same time your most cherished place?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

So I had a really odd dream last night. First of all, I was like half-asleep around 4-6am and thought I was having a legit conversation with DT [I need to stop talking to you so much or something. xD] And telling him that he wasn't allowed to see me naked. How this came about, I have no idea. But that's not the weird part. The worst of it was the transition. When I finally got back to sleep, I found myself staring at my computer screen and finally talking to my girlfriend whom I haven't spoken with in a while. But it was odd. It didn't feel like I was talking to her or to Scotty. It felt like I was talking to completely different people and I started to feel weird. You'd think that's where it would end, but it didn't.

That weird feeling transitioned into another dream that I'm still having mixed feelings about. I was in a hospital and I had no idea how I had gotten there. I was holding a baby in my arms. He was so little and chubby cheeked that I had no idea what to do with him. I was sitting at a table with him, a few of my cousins and my nana were there. And yet it didn't feel like my baby. They all kept telling me he was mine, he was mine, etc. But it didn't feel like mine. My mom soon stood next to me and asked me how the labor was and everything else. I told her I couldn't remember the weekend leading up to his supposed birth. She looked at me funny. She asked if I had hung out with anyone and I said I didn't remember. I couldn't even remember giving birth to this kid or even labor pains. Hell, I didn't even know what his name was and every time it was mentioned, the sound of it was too blurry to make it out. The only way of knowing that I might have given birth was the pain in my hips and ribs. I wanted to want to take care of him, but I didn't. I couldn't. I felt so weird.

Eventually, my family gave me some alone time and I went for a walk - someone was watching the baby. The ocean was next to the hospital and it didn't take me long to get there and just sit and watch the waves. I felt so odd, like I was broken and being a bad mother - that none of those instincts I've always had just didn't want to work or didn't work anymore. It felt like I was in shock. Now why would I be in shock? I went to find out.

My mind had blocked out what really happened. A nurse had swapped my baby with another woman's somehow. My baby had died. I didn't realize it, but my body knew. My heart knew. The doctor explained what had happened, gave the son back to the mother, and I woke up feeling..odd. It's not every day I have a miniature nightmare involving the loss of something precious. I really hope I don't have another dream like that. I don't think I'm ready for it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc. [Update]

Sometimes your emotions get the better of you and sometimes they try to get ahead of you. I feel that sometimes my emotions like to hide from me, or maybe I try harder than normal to hide from them. It has to do with that darker side - but only a little bit. I've always hidden parts of myself away as if to draw upon them later or attempt to lock them away for good. It never fully works though. You can never truly hide from yourself. You can try to deny it all you want, but it doesn't do much good. Every so often, I can feel the struggle of maintaining myself. Maybe right now it's too much to write it all down here, but everyone has a monster.

Mine just happens to have a name.
 
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