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Life Outside The Battlefield-Continuation

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"You kept count?" I asked incredulously. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder. "Hmm. I honestly have no idea how many. I've been in the army longer than you, and I've been in some big fights...." I trailed off, thinking. I thought for several moments. "I don't know how many exactly, but somewhere in the hundreds." I muttered sadly, ashamed.
 
I nodded my head at his question, my arms now crossed tightly against my stomach. I felt sick, I could remember nearly every single man or woman that I had killed in the past if I tried to " If I could, I wouldn't kill, just wound. But there were times... I had no other choice. " I whispered sadly. As swanson spoke, I had to look away,.I knew it wasn't his fault,.if he hadn't killed them they would have killed.him.
 
I turned away from her as she looked away. I choked back tears. "I'm so sorry clove. It was never by choice. When your a general, they come at you hard." My voice cracked. "If I don't kill them, I'm dead. And even when I do kill them, I still get injured. And I'm ashamed of it. And I know you probably hate me now...." I trailed off. "It seems like I always get sent on the deadliest missions. If I don't fight for my life every millisecond, I'm long gone."
 
I was glad I was still standing under the shower water, it hid the tears falling from my cheeks as he spoke. hate him? How could I hate him, after everything that had happened between us during the years at base. " I don't hate you swanson." I whispered quietly. " I know you don't like being that guy, and I know you had no other choice... I just wish... Some times I wish you weren't a general..."
 
"Why, because it's dangerous?" I muttered bitterly. "Or because I've been forced to kill so many?" I said. I leaned my forehead against the shower wall, letting the warm water run down my back.
 
I opened my mouth to say something but quickly closed it and sighed sadly. I felt around for a moment till I found the water taps and tired the water off before stepping out of the shower. I didn't want to start a fight, not now. Grabbing a towle off of the rack next to the shower I wrapped it around my self before carefully making my way out of the bathroom and into our bed room.
 
I stared at her as she turned off the water. I waited for her to leave before getting out and drying off. I slipped on a new pair of boxers before walking into the bedroom. I sat on the side of the bed. "Why?" I asked again softly.
 
I made my way over to my dresser, where then I dry'd off before slipping into a clean pair of undies and a lose tang top. Hearing his voice I paused for a moment. Was he really asking me why? " For one, maybe you wouldn't be getting beat up or hunted down every day your at base. Second, you wouldn't have to fight or be on your fairs every second of the day...." I paused again, shaking my head again before picking up my towle. " Just forget about.it."
 
I got up and walked over to her. I wrapped my arms around her sadly. "Hey, it's ok." I murmured. I could tell she was upset.
 
Feeling his arms around me I gave up and wrapped my arms around his waste, my chin resting on his shoulder. " is it ok? " I asked queitly.
 
"Well, I'm not sure if its ok, but I'm not mad at you for saying that, or even think about that. It's just a fact of being a general. I know that stuff is going to happen to me, and there's nothing I can do about it." I said with a shrug.
 
I sighed sadly as he spoke, but I knew he was right, I could wish and hope with all my might and it would still be true. " Paris is nearly a year old swanson..." I whispered queitly. I knew when Paris turned one, I could be called back into the army. I knew my father and I had made a deal, but that was just between us. Any other base could request to the board that I join their squad.
 
" I know swanson, but if I do get my vision back. Not even you could stop them from calling me back." I sighed softly.
 
"Trust me. I would find a way to stop them." I said firmly. I took her towel from her and hung it up, and then came back to her and guided her to the bed.
 
I stood there as swanson took my towel, waiting for him to come back. When I felt him guiding me to the bed, I followed, and happily got under the covers.
 
I snuggled up against him, I always felt safe when he had his arms around me. Yawning I rested my head on his chest. " I can still remember them... Not as much as I used to." I whispered queitly.
 
"Remember what?" I asked her. I moved one hand to stroke her face gently, an moved my body position so that I was closer to her.
 
I Clung to him as he spoke, my eyes closed tightly. " I still remember their faces after I killed them... All 52 of them. " I whispered sadly.
 
I sighed and hugged her close to me. "Clove, it's our job to kill our enemies. If you hadn't killed them, they would have killed you. We both know you wouldn't have killed them if you didn't have to." I sighed and thought for a moment. "If it makes you feel any better, your not the only one. I see them all the time, and cooper and I talk about it quite a bit. But I also see them coming at me, ready and willing to kill me, and I see and feel what they have done to me physically." I whispered.
 
I pressed my body up against his as he spoke. " I wish I could forget. " I whispered quietly. " And no, that doesn't make me feel better. "
 
I sighed and nuzzled her. "I wish I could help you clove." I whispered. I didn't know how I could help her. I usually just pushed it out of my mind, knowing it was my job, and that those men would have killed me if I hadn't killed them first.
 
" You always find a way." I whispered softly with a small smile as i nuzzled him back. " Just being in your arms makes me feel better."
 
I smiled as she spoke. "Your right. I'll figure out a way. And I'm glad these arms are good for something, at least. Glad to know I'm not working out for no reason." I said with a chuckle.
 
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