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At St. Martin's School for Boys [Aember and Mrow]

The brunette's heart nearly broke completely when Adrian whimpered those words. So he was blaming himself. Nathan pressed his lips together and he hugged Adrian tightly, not wanting to let him go. "It wasn't your fault, love," Nathan murmured, lightly nuzzling Adrian. "He got what he deserved. . .the bastard got all the punishment he deserved, and now he's going to burn in hell. Don't blame yourself. . .for anything," Nathan tried to comfort Adrian. His hands moved against the small of Adrian's back soothingly.

Why? Nathan's eyebrows furrowed. Why what? Why had Lawrence killed himself? Because he was a madman, probably. Because he realized his obsession could never be his. Beacause maybe he was guilty over maiming Adrian, probably not. Nathan glanced at Dustin, and then looked back down at Adrian. "Why what?" He still looked confused, because he could only guess as to what Adrian was talking about.
 
Adrian couldn't help but feel guilty. Because he had been the last one to see Lawrence. That, and he was upset that the other had gotten such an easy way out. Adrian wanted that, he wanted that kind of release now. But now that the person he hated had done such a thing, he could never pull himself to that level. He swallowed down a sob and kept his arms tightly around the other's waist. Adrian felt like he might slip away. He might just fall and keep falling, with no one by his side.

And with Dustin standing there looking almost impatient he knew it was true.

Adrian's eyes moved up to meet Nathan's. They said it all. He wasn't so much upset about Lawrence as he was them. His eyes had such a look of longing. Just to talk to Nathan, to sit or lay by his side... Adrian couldn't do any of that any longer. He really didn't think there was much to say. Lawrence's death had been a good way for him to express his emotions about what happened, but so far he was only doing it with his eyes. He couldn't sum up any words to say.
 
If Nathan had heard Adrian's thoughts at that moment-- the boy's longing for suicide-- then he probably would have said hell to Dustin and stayed to take care of Adrian, damn the concequences. But he was convinced he was doing the right thing for Adrian, as Dustin would make their lives hell if he'd kept in contact with Adrian. It was a necessary evil. He was lucky that Dustin was patient enough to let them embrace like this.

His breath was almost taken out of his body as he saw Adrian's eyes. Oh, my. Nathan hugged Adrian tighter, wanting to envelop him completely. However, a subtle cough from Dustin reached his ears and he looked over to the blonde, knowing he had to wrap things up. Looking back down at Adrian he murmured, "Will you be alright?" Nathan's hearth ached. When he was angry at Adrian, it was easier to be seperated from him, but now that he wasn't. . ."You should come to my room sometime. . .If you ever want to talk. . .If i'm not with Dustin. . ." Nathan smiled slightly.
 
Adrian did long for it, that being suicide, or some release. He felt so burdened, but then at the same time he also felt so empty. So incredibly empty. Nothing seemed worth it. Nathan was Dustin's, he would be for the rest of the year. And by then the senior would probably fall for Dustin. Adrian could seen the marks on Nathan's neck. It wasn't hard. There must have been consensual sex there. Nathan had been angry, and he'd probably wanted it. Honestly though, Adrian would have been willing to live through the hell.

Adrian didn't want to break that gaze that they had, but when Nathan hugged him tighter he believed it was worth it. That cough though. It was like gasoline near a flame. Closer and closer the fire crept until it exploded. At first all was somber and he was sad, but now he felt anger. Anger at Dustin's belief that he could just steal what was Adrian's so easily. He thought that, and oh damn was he wrong.

The boy lifted a hand to wipe at his eyes and then pulled away, glancing from Dustin back to Nathan. "Yeah... I'll be alright." A weak smile crossed his lips and he pulled away. "I'll be fine."
 
That was quite true-- there had been consensual sex. Nathan had liked it. He wasn't opposed to being with Dustin, if Adrian was left alone. The brunette just simply wished for Adrian to be happy, but it didn't seem like that could be. Honestly, Nathan could tell quite clearly that Adrian was miserable, and Nathan had only declared their. . .what, break up?. . .the day before. Or maybe was that only because of Lawrence's death? Nathan couldn't tell, but he wanted so much to just cuddle up with Adrian and hug him until he stopped looking so damn sad.

Doing such a thing would also help Nathan's problem-- the nagging thought in the back of the head, triggered when Dustin coughed, that this whole thing was completely wrong. It made his skin crawl before it was pushed back under all his other thoughts. Hell, he had to live through this arrangement with Dustin for the rest of the year. A good six, seven more months. He didn't need a complete adversion to the other male within the first week, especially when Dustin tried so hard to make it good. . .

When Adrian pulled away, Nathan pressed his lips together and nodded his head tightly. "Alright, Adrian," he murmured, pratically savouring the other's name. It was then that he looked back at Dustin, then back at Adrian and smiled slightly, then moved over to Dustin.
 
There was the problem. Adrian would be left alone. Completely alone. He knew that Nathan really didn't want that, but that would be the end result of it all. He'd be left completely alone even if he was with friends he'd gain over the years. Adrian would never bring himself to tell anybody what he'd gone through. Especially not the heartbreak he suffered over Nathan. If Adrian could, he'd deny that for the rest of his damn life. He'd never be put in that weak of a position again. Adrian wouldn't let himself fall to a point where he could be controlled or hurt by somebody. Perhaps that's why he'd never tell his select small group of friends he'd gain about any of this.

Honestly he felt beyond all this. It was almost like an out of body experience. He hurt so much because he felt so empty. Or he felt so empty because he was so hurt. Maybe it was a combination of that. Maybe this was so hard for him to handle that he had just gone beyond emotions and felt quite numb. Nathan would be happy enough. And Adrian... Well Adrian would just have to deal with it. Just like he'd dealt with Lawrence's obsession.

Adrian didn't really think much after that as he stood there, his green eyes locked with Nathan's. In one swift movement Adrian took a step forward and pressed a kiss to Nathan's cheek. He didn't say another word as he turned around and began walking away. His eyes were concentrated harshly on the ground beneath his feet as he walked and left the ground only once to glance back at Nathan before he turned around a corner. That was the last real good look he ever got of the other.

It was so damn painful walking away like that. But he'd rather be the one to do it. Nathan had metaphorically walked away from him, so Adrian at least had the liberty to do the same to him, but literally.

Nathan had once been his savior but in the end, he turned up being Adrian's biggest downfall.

---​

Life after that was hardly life at all. It went by surprisingly fast, yet slow at the same time. That's the way things went when your day was a constant repetition.

Get up.
Eat breakfast.(Rarely.)
Go to class.
Eat lunch. (Common.)
Go to class again.
Eat dinner. (Even rarer.)
Do homework. (The rarest.)
Go to sleep.
Repeat.(Constantly.)

Life, he figured out, was based on repetition. Even if Nathan and he hadn't been separated by Dustin they would have been at one point or another. And if they got back together they'd be broken up by some inevitable reason. Maybe that was the reason that he didn't push getting Nathan back. He had realized it was too far gone. Sleeping with Dustin had screwed everything up. At least if he hadn't done that Nathan would still have feelings for him. Adrian didn't even know what Nathan felt for him now. It was no doubt something horrible. He was sure that Dustin would either talk shit about him, not mention him altogether, or not allow Nathan to speak about him.

So it was all likely over. As time went by the secret harassment of him stopped. Stares died down as did constant whisperings of fake truths. And with the death of all of that came the death of his idea of Nathan. That was all over, so he really didn't need Nathan anymore. Or he tried to convince himself that. The rest of the expanse of his freshman year was quiet and he made few noticeable friends. He sat by himself at meal times, or just didn't go all together. His appearance wasn't horrible, but it was obvious he might have been lacking sleep or had a tad bit of malnutrition.

Life was predictable. And that made it boring. There was always hurt, that was the most obvious and predictable thing.

He avoided Nathan and didn't say a single word to the senior. He didn't even attend the graduation. But he did slip a piece of paper under Nathan's door in sloppy, careless handwriting. It was obvious he must have been in a hurry.

I wanted to give you something. Sorry I didn't. Congratulations.

That was it. There were no more words that he could say, at least without being suspicious should Dustin find the note. Nathan might have had a good guess who it was though, but honestly he didn't even know.

---​

Time after that went by quickly. For some odd reason when Nathan left and the new freshman came in, Adrian made quite a few friends. But as mentioned before they would never be truly close to him. It was just good to know that there was somebody who would listen.

Then Junior year.

Then Senior year.

Nothing really changed. His mind wasn't focused anymore. He poured all his aggression into his schoolwork. On the outside he looked happy and normal enough. He still stuck out like a sore thumb. The cute boyish looks he'd once had changed. Adrian's face remained very much the same. It had formed and become more detailed, accentuating the nice features he'd had in the first place. The skinny body he'd once had remained that way, but what muscles he did have became more defined. He'd also gotten a little taller. To put it simply, the cute boy that had once been quite oblivious to people's motives had now grown incredibly handsome, but cold to the world.

His parents had always been busy working to maintain the household with their small incomes, so they never really noticed a change in him. But somebody who might have known him before all of this would definitely be able to tell a difference. It was obvious in the way that he carried himself.

Even as he walked up to get his diploma.

Then walked away from his celebrating classmates and back to his dorm. His parents hadn't come and drinking with his 'friends' didn't sound like much fun. So he opened the door to his dorm and didn't even bother closing it behind him as he flopped down on the bed. Wouldn't it be ironic enough that he had been placed in a dorm right across from Nathan's old one? That brought the older male to his thoughts. Nathan crossed the desolate highway that was his mind rarely now. And as he glanced up from the bed and looked out into the hall at the opposing door, he was glad to know that he could be rid of any physical memorabilia of the other male forever. Just after he left in a few days.
 
As Adrian leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, Nathan blinked down at the other and stopped in his tracks, suddenly not being able to walk away any more. Instead, he was only able to stare at Adrian as the boy turned on his heel and walked away, only to glance at him one last time. That kiss. . .It had been so final. It was something like a good-bye kiss, and though Nathan at that moment couldnâ??t fathom the finality of it all his heart still clenched in pain, not wanting to loose Adrian. Somewhere in his mind, though, he already knew that heâ??d completely lost the younger male.

His heart throbbed at the thought.

When Adrian turned the corner, Nathan pressed his lips together and looked down at the ground, staying completely still for a moment. After a few minutes he took a shaky breath, lifted his head, and turned to walk to Dustin, who watched him every step with curious and inquisitive eyes. Nathan met those eyes, and he smiled slightly, but he looked tiredâ??emotionally drained.

Although Adrian was sure that heâ??d be happy with Dustin, Nathan didnâ??t look too happy at all.

â??Long day,â? Dustin noted, his voice holding a long tone. Once Nathan got in reach of him he circled his arm protectively over the brunetteâ??s shoulders. Nathan nodded in agreement, but otherwise stayed silent on the issue.

Like so, in complete silence, they walked back to the dorms.

---

After that day it seemed as though Nathanâ??s initial instincts were right. He practically never saw Adrian after the day that they announced Lawrenceâ??s death. For some weeks afterwards, Nathan found himself seeking Adrian outâ??trying to catch him after his classes and such, but it seemed as though the boy would do anything to get away from him. Or maybe he just hadnâ??t seen Nathan at all.

After those weeks, Nathan stopped trying. As much as it hurt to admit it, what he was trying to do had worked. He had been trying to push Adrian away and get the boy to move on, and he finally had.

Though his heart was hurting like no other after that realizationâ??that Adrian had moved on, and seemed like he hated Nathan nowâ??he tried to move on. He found some solace in his relationship with Dustin. They didnâ??t work perfectly together, and they had their fights, but in the end Dustin proved to be patient with Nathanâ??s heartbreak. There were points where Dustin seemed jealous of Adrian, who occupied Nathanâ??s thoughts way too much, the blonde still waited things out and tried to comfort him with his own love. Dustin didnâ??t force him not to talk about Adrian, it was Nathan who almost refused to talk about him. Talking about him only hurt.

By the end of the year, Nathan was thoroughly convinced that Dustin did love him. And a part of Nathan loved Dustin back. He was funny, he was a gentleman, and he was great in bed. . .Sure, he could be a bit moody, kinky, and possessive, but Nathan could get over those traits if only to forget about Adrian and move on.

By the end of the year, Nathan had moved on. . .But not forgotten.

On the last day of school, when he found that note under his door, Adrian crossed his mind. But after months that seemed like years of no communication with the boy, Nathan had to wonder why Adrian would even attempt to now. It was this that convinced him that Adrian wasnâ??t the one who had written him the note.

---

Three years had passed.

Nathan was a Junior in college, now. Was. The year was over, practically, and only summer separated him from being a Senior in college. He went to some private University in the state, because he had great grades and his parents had the money to pay for it.

Dustin had gone off to some University across the country. He had wanted to keep the relationship going, and to work things out long-distance. For their Freshman year they tried, but Nathan couldnâ??t handle it. The only thing that really bound him to Dustin was sex, and once that was gone he found the other boring, bland. So they broke up.

The next two years were eventful and uneventful all at the same time. He partied like any normal college student, slept around like any normal college student, and managed to keep his grades up all at the same time. There were a few boyfriends along the way, but nothing seemed to work out. Plus, college seemed transitory. There was no reason to stake himself down with a relationship.

Adrian never really crossed his mind. There were times that Adrian invaded his dreams, times that Nathan woke up with tear-stained cheeks and memories only of heart-wrenching dreams. Other than that, Adrian never crossed his mind.

At the end of his Junior year, Nathan decided to go back to St. Martinâ??s for old-timeâ??s-sake, to see it before he went to spend his last two semesters traveling abroad. After college, he planned on moving to some other state to get away from the life he knew. It was his last time to really see his old high school. So he went back to watch graduation.

During the ceremony, it hit him like a truck that this was Adrianâ??s graduating class he was watching. He realized this when Adrianâ??s name was called, and at first he didnâ??t think it was the same Adrian because of how different he looked. Yet, it was unmistakable. Though Adrianâ??s face had matured, he was still Adrian, and Nathan recognized the similarity nearly instantly.
A new pain welled in his heart as he was forced to think about the other again, though it was easily brushed off by three yearâ??s practice. Still, he figured that he should at least go see Adrian to find out how the other was. . .Before Nathan left for good, that is.

So Nathan mustered up his courage and followed Adrian back to his dorm. He took a bit longer once he realized where they were headedâ??to his old dorm building. Nathan mosied, looking around the campus, nostalgia flooding himâ??especially when he passed by the old pool house. Nathan winced at that sight and turned into his old dorm building, moving down the hall to the open doorâ??Adrianâ??s open door.

The face that appeared through that open door had aged as well. Nathanâ??s features, handsome before he had graduated, had only become more defined and older, almost longer. Heâ??d grown taller, by an inch or two, and his body had a bit more muscle on it. His hair was longer, falling to his ears and curling at the ends. His blue eyes were tired, older, more intelligent. They held a hint of surprise, though, because the first things that they connected with were Adrianâ??s eyes as the other looked out into the hallway.

Nathan cleared his throat, knocked out of politeness, and then stepped through the threshold.

â??Ah, hey,â? he greeted, his voice somewhat deeper, raspier.
 
While Nathan's thoughts may have strayed away from Adrian, Adrian's thoughts strayed slightly. Nathan was the lucky one. He was the one that moved away. He was the one that didn't have to see constant reminders of Adrian everyday, like Adrian had to see constant reminders of Nathan. Over time they faded. With just about everything else as well. It seemed that whatever fire Adrian had held against Lawrence, and with Nathan was completely gone. Either that, or it was just a small burning ember being suppressed by a lack of oxygen.

His heart, like some lost forgotten childhood toy, had been tossed aside to make room for more important things. Grades. That was really the only thing he could focus on. At this point he had a nice number of scholarships hauled up, and he had full intention to use them. What college? He didn't know. And honestly he didn't care. With all of these wonderful grades, there had to come a lack of something. And that was motivation. He could do the work, and he did. But he wasn't motivated to become anything in life. Nathan had swallowed up his motivation and just walked away.

He'd only thought of a possible way out once, and that was before he'd found out about Lawrence's timely death. He'd never thought about suicide again.

---

With Nathan's dreams of Adrian, Adrian had a complete lack of dreams about Nathan. The other crossed his mind, but he'd settled things with his subconscious enough to keep the other out of any potentially painful dreams. Things had faded, and vivid events became unclear memories.

Adrian didn't realize anybody had been following him. He was far too exhausted to even think that somebody might be following him. People wanted to meet with their families and friends. Adrian didn't have any family here. What 'friends' he had would probably be busy. So it would be best to sleep. Sleep and maybe pack.

For one second he almost thought his mind might have been playing tricks on him. That was something that didn't happen often, because his imagination wasn't very overactive. But it seemed so fitting, that he might see a silhouette or something of the older male as a bit of closure. But this boy... Hell, this -man.- Nathan looked different. Like a man. Could he really imagine that? While his eyes had been rather cold and emotionless before. The sight of Nathan made them grow wide and actually hold that lost sense of wonder and innocence.

They quickly went from wide to almost panicked. Adrian sat up and attempted feebly to regain his composure. "Hello..." He replied. If this was just some fancy of his mind, he'd indulge in it, because fighting it might prove difficult. He looked absentmindedly at the floor, as if to think of something to say. What the FUCK was there to say? For some reason an unbidden rage boiled up inside. Maybe because Adrian was angry that Nathan might have the audacity visit on the day he graduated. Adrian obviously didn't know that it was just accidental. His green eyes looked back up to Nathan, this time converting back to his normally blank stare. "What're you doing here?"
 
Nathan was the same way. Thinking back on the events that took place during his senior year in highs chool was like trying to think through a drunken haze. His memories had turned into foggy might-have-happends. For all intents and purposes, Nathan had moved on. He had built his life up, moved far away from the person that he was in high school. Far away from the power-hungry but cowardly boy that he had been. He had made a point to change. But no matter how much he changed, no matter how much he moved on, the dreams came unbidden, and at random, and they were a punch to Nathan's gut.

It was only thankful that they didn't come often.

Though, it might have hurt Nathan to know that Adrian hadn't spared him a single thought through his final years at St. Martin's. Not that Adrian was supposed to stay in the past and dwell on Nathan or anything. And it wasn't like Nathan really tried to remember Adrian too often. It was painful. Still, the fact that Adrian didn't think about him at all. . .Yes, it would hurt him, because he had been in love. Once.

The blue eyes of the older male noted when Adrian's eyes widened, and then almost seemed panicked. Nathan furrowed his eyebrows together and pressed his lips into a thin white line, his eyes looking at Adrian curiously--especially when the green gaze that was finally returned was blank, dead. Nathan's heart gave a surprising lurch at that stare, but he didn't let that sudden, fleeting rush of emotion show. Instead, he shuffled his feet at the door and pushed his hands into his pockets.

"I thought I'd come back to catch up with a few teachers before I said goodbye and left," Nathan replied, his voice even. His eyes looked around the room almost nervously, and then settled back onto Adrian as he continued, "I have the summer, and then I'm going to go to Italy, and then the United Kingdom to finish off my last year of college. I'll probably be taking an internship in D.C. afterwards, so it's probably the last time i'll be in the state."

The brunette shrugged his broad shoulders. Now that he was paused, he took this time to run his eyes carefully over Adrian's features. He was no longer boyish and even slightly girlish looking-- no, not at all. His face was masculine, and his body was proportionate, but the most unnerving change of all was in Adrian's eyes. Nathan couldn't seem to look into them for too long.
 
Adrian had thought of Nathan. They had been casual thoughts. All of the horrid things he'd gotten out of the way quickly, while the other was still at the school. Three years was a surprisingly long time. Nathan probably spoke to more people in one day than Adrian had in three years. He'd also probably moved on. Or maybe he was still with Dustin. That thought almost made him physically wince. It hurt his heart, to think of that bastard. But almost out of spite Adrian wished that Nathan was with Dustin. And that he had been forced to stay with the other.

It would be a hell of a lot better than imagining Nathan with the freedom to be with several different people whenever he wanted.

"Ah." Adrian nodded thoughtfully. His room really was plain. Very, very plain. Not even a poster or paper up on any of the walls. "Kinda funny, huh?" He laughed, but it sounded more like a rough cough than a sound of humor. "That you show up on the day of graduation?" Adrian really did think it was a coincidence. He had no reason to think it was anything more. "Sorry I couldn't go to yours. I left you a note. I don't know if you got it. Doesn't matter much anyway. There wasn't anything really important on it." His voice was flat and almost uninterested.

"Wow." He tried his best to seem surprised and interested. "Going into politics?" Nathan would be good, if he was going into politics. His charms could probably win people over, if not his wonderful speaking skills. Unlike Nathan, Adrian kept his eyes focused on the other's the whole time. Now that he'd gotten the chance to regain himself he didn't seem likely of breaking.
 
The brunette didn't seem to think that it was very funny. When Adrian mentioned the coincidence, Nathan just looked at him oddly, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. First, there was that gaze, and then that laugh, which didn't at all sound like something mirthful. Instead, it scratched at Nathan's ears and made him mentally wince. Adrian's note also added to Nathan's wonder. The boy didn't sound at all like himself.

Then again, he hadn't seen Adrian since he was, what, fourteen? He had to be at least seventeen, maybe even eighteen by now. What the hell did Nathan know of who Adrian was?

"That was your note?" Nathan remarked. He should have guessed. But Adrian was right, there was really nothing important on it. It wasn't like it had mattered much to Nathan, even at the time. Still, the mention of the note made him think about what was on it, and Nathan stumbled out an awkward, "Congradulations, by the way."

You made it through.

Without breaking. Or had Adrian? Nathan narrowed his eyes slightly in wonder as he stared at Adrian's face for a split second, and then he lowered his eyes once more.

"Yeah, politics. Nothing special, though. I'm going to be working in a think-tank. Just another smart kid working for some senator while I get my grad degree," Nathan said, then shrugged his shoulders again. He felt as though his words had no meaning, because Adrian really didn't care. He was crap at trying to sound interested.

There was an awkward silence for a moment in which the air was still and thick. Nathan broke it by shifting his feet.

"So. . .How have you been?"
 
What had Adrian even sounded like in the first place? It wasn't like Nathan had known him before he'd been deflowered and tainted. Maybe he'd known the boy that was trying to adjust with his identity and all that bullshit. But Adrian really was still the same boy. The resilient part of him just didn't shine through. He knew that Nathan could probably tell a different. But honestly he didn't care.

He ignored the question about the note for the moment and instead thanked Nathan for his sentiments. They didn't mean much. He had made it through, but who was to say he was completely whole? Or even a small portion of himself? It was odd though, because Adrian might have turned out this way even if Nathan had stayed with him. Maybe from the constant abuse he'd faced at the club. He wondered about that sometimes, if he'd turn out differently had Nathan stayed.

But the thing was Nathan hadn't stayed.

"Ah. Well that sounds alright. I still don't know what I'm going to do." The male paused, brushing some hair out of his eyes. The style was a little different now. His hair was still black, but the familiar red streaks were gone. He froze as if he was thinking about what he was going or that he had to summon up the courage to say it.

"Yeah. I was gonna send you something after graduation. Flowers or something lame like that." He really had been planning on it, even though he'd done everything he could to avoid Nathan. It was weird now, how he was openly admitting this.

"It would have been awkward of course, with you being Dustin's bitch and all."

That last part was completely unexpected. Even a little on Adrian's part, but Nathan's own shock at that statement would probably cover up any indication that Adrian hadn't completely meant to say it. But he had sincerely meant on thinking it.
 
When Adrian admitted that he didn't know what he was going to do, Nathan stole a glance up at him. That was odd. He figured that Adrian would have something in mind. He was a smart kid. He had everything going for him. He could do anything he wanted to-- Nathan sincerely believed that. But all ponderings of Adrian's future were pushed out of Nathan's head when Adrian opened his mouth again to admit his intentions.

That left Nathan a bit confused for a moment. It didn't make sense that Adrian would avoid him all the time at school, and then want to send him flowers, or something cheesy. However, any confusion was erased with Adrian's next comment. The mention of Dustin sparked a bit of old hatred in Nathan, and his eyes jerked up to glare at Adrian. For once, Nathan took a full step into the room. His back straightened, and he stood tall and annoyed.

"Dustin's bitch?" Nathan growled in a deep voice. Oh, hell!

None of this had to be brought up again. Nothing had to be sifted up. He could have said hello to Adrian, and then left peacefully, with no mention of Dustin or of how Nathan had to force and trick himself into trying to stay happy with what he had in Dustin. He could have left with no feelings for Adrian being stirred up again, whether those feelings consisted of love or hate or neither. It could have gone smoothly.

But it hadn't. And Nathan was caught between looking murderous, and recognizing Adrian's words as truth.
 
Motivation had never been his strong point. Defying Lawrence had been one form, and being with Nathan had been another. Both of those were thrown out the window freshman year, and he had never really thought about what would have been a good possible job for himself. Money didn't mean much. It never had. Even when he'd had it (because he rarely had it), it didn't mean a lot to him.

"Yeah. Don't look so surprised," he felt more courageous now. He hoped he'd gotten Nathan engaged enough so that the other wouldn't just walk out on him. "I mean I did really care about you, even if you fucking left me. . . .And yeah. Dustin's bitch. That's basically what you were. I mean unless you enjoyed it. Which I'm kinda assuming you did. Because you didn't bother to contact me after graduation, when your agreement was supposed to be up."

Adrian shrugged nonchallantly. He did this partially to piss Nathan off. The other deserved it. Adrian had actually had the slightest hope that maybe Nathan would get a hold of him after he'd graduated. But no. "Oh..." He looked up in false apology. "I mean unless you're still with him. If so then no offense of course."

This was actually the most worked up Adrian had gotten in a while, and it was beginning to show in his voice. There was a twinge of anger that was growing.

"But people move on. 'It's only high school, right?' Of course if you'd have told me that back then, I would have been even more hurt. Not saying that I was. But now I see for myself. It was only high school. It was nothing. So it's not like any of it mattered." Now he was hitting home, and it was increasingly obvious that it was purposely.
 
No, Nathan wasn't going to walk out on Adrian. Instead, he felt like stalking towards the other man and punching him in the face. By his side, Nathan clenched and unclenched his hands, his muscles twitching with want under his skin. Instead, he held himself back, and instead narrowed his eyes. It was childish, what was happening, but Nathan was easily lead into it and drug along by the current of anger.

"Of course I enjoyed it. He was better than you in every way. In school, in looks, in bed," Nathan hissed, then crossed his arms over his chest tensely, as to further keep himself from going over there and throttling Adrian. "When I had him, did you really expect me to even think of you again?" For emphasis, Nathan rolled his eyes.

Hell, though, that wasn't true. Nathan just didn't want to admit that, hell, he'd been hurt when Adrian avoided him at school. He'd been hurt when the boy tried his damnedest to forget him, while he was still right infront of him! It was Adrian's own fault that there had been no contact over the summer. Maybe if he hadn't have run away, Nathan would have come back to visit, and he would have kept in touch, and he would have tried to be there for Adrian.

Instead, he got static.

"No, it didn't matter," Nathan agreed with a growl in his voice. He took another step toward Adrian, clenched his fists harder, and then folded his arms again. His knuckles were white. "I mean, hell, you're right. If you want to know the truth I honesly didn't even remember you were graduating today. Haven't thought about you in years, 'till you got your diploma. High school means shit."

He paused, narrowed his eyes.

"Must suck for you, eh?" He bit out, obviously sarcastic. "High school means shit, and you have the permanent reminder of being Lawrence's bitch carved into you. Does that make you doubly worthless?"

Obviously, Nathan's anger hadn't been curbed by his years in college.
 
Adrian wasn't so angry as he was trying to egg Nathan on. He just wanted the other to admit that maybe he was wrong with what he'd done. In all honestly they'd both been mature, but neither was willing to accept or admit that. That first statement by himself and then Nathan's reactions drew him into it, and he could feel rage enveloping him.

He showed no reaction to that statement. It hurt. Adrian already felt like shit. He'd been through -several- degrading situations that made him feel horrible, and Nathan's words weren't helping. But they were just as angry as Adrian's, so part of him almost understood, under the anger. He sat there silently and kept his eyes on the older male, an anger now burning in his eyes. It was obvious now. That had all meant something. To both of them.

Adrian's own hands clenched, and he narrowed his eyes in anger. "Oh, really? That seems like you. Actually, I would have expected it. Even if anything had come out of all of this. You're so damn selfish all you can think about is yourself." His voice still held a level tone. He wouldn't get out of control now. Not now...

The male felt an automatic pang of anger well up in his stomach. In one quick movement he was up and had pushed Nathan against the nearest wall grasping the collar of his shirt tightly. Adrian was stronger now maybe even strong enough to rival Nathan. "Don't you -FUCKING- think you have a right to talk about that!" Truth was, Adrian had actually blocked Lawrence and most of the club out. Nathan had lingered, but that general idea had faded away. Unlike the scars on his legs. He shoved the other harshly against the wall again, a loud growl eminating from his throat. That same anger was back and he wouldn't let Nathan get off so easy on that.
 
Of course it had meant something. No matter how much Adrian insisted that he was selfish, in reality, he would have done anything for Adrian back then. Anything! Anything to protect him, anything to keep him whole. The saddest part about that was it seemed that Adrian still wasn't whole, even though he'd gotten him out of the club. But, hell. Nathan at least hoped that he'd turned out less emotionally scarred than if he'd been in the club the whole year. He prayed that he saved Adrian, just a little bit. . .

Nathan's mouth opened to furiously tell Adrian about this when he saw the other advancing. Before he knew it he was roughly grabbed by the collar and slammed against the wall. In his shock he didn't struggle. His head hurt a bit from being jerked against the wall, but he ignored the pain. Instead, he reached up to tangle a hand in Adrian's hair, pulling at the black locks slightly. He wasn't going to hurt Adrian, that was, until the boy slammed him against the wall the second time.

With that second time, a feral growl was loosened from Nathan's lips. His hand tugged sharply on Adrian's hair, tugging his neck back and then forcing him off of Nathan's body, then stomach-first against the wall. Nathan didn't slam Adrian there so much as pin him, pressing his whole body along Adrian's back, his fist still tangled in the black locks.

He was almost surprised at how uneasy the movement was, though. Adrian had gotten strong. However, Nathan was angry, and he, too, had grown some muscle through the years, giving him the upper hand still-- at least for that moment.

"I'm the selfish one? I'M the selfish one? How DARE you think you have the right to call ME selfish when YOU are the one dredging up the past, for what purpose, Adrian? What did you think you'd accomplish by bringing Dustin up? By being so fucking dismissive of things?" The last question was half-growled, half-yelled. It was a frightening sound, from deel in Nathan's belly.

However, his voice dropped as he near-murmured, "Quit the bullshit. I loved you back then. I would have done anything for you. Anything you asked--" he almost wanted to add, 'except for keeping you in the club'--"I would have gladly arranged and carried out. It was so fucking hard," Nathan's voice growled, his hand clenching in Adrian's hair in anger and pain for a moment before the grip loosened and his voice dropped again, "So hard to be seperated from you, even though you were still right infront of me. . .That means something. And I know you loved me. I know. . ."

Nathan pressed his lips together, tempted to lean down and nuzzle at Adrian's neck, as he would have done when they both were younger. But he didn't. Instead, he shook his head. He felt the same emotions running through him as when he woke up from his dreams with a tear-streaked face. His mind was filled with so many emotions, rolling end over end on eachother that he didn't know how to deal with them all. It almost gave him a headache.

"I do have a right to speak about the scars, though, Adrian. I tried to help you through them. I tried to help them heal, and I tried to help you heal. But you have no right to speak about my choice to go with Dustin, because you fucking ran away. Didn't help me through shit," he growled, and shook his head.

Now that he had said his peace, he couldn't help but focus on Adrian himself. How muscular his back felt, pressed against Nathan's abs. He looked at Adrian's broadened shoulders, at his gain in height. Hell, he was almost as tall as Nathan now. And yet, the smell was the same. Nathan knew it. It brought up strange memories, being this close to Adrian, smelling him and feeling his body.
 
Both of them knew that it was worth something. It was worth more than something, because they were still talking about it. If it had meant nothing, then they wouldn't have been so focused on this, and they both wouldn't be so damn angry about it. And Nathan... Well Nathan had a lot of fucking nerve. Adrian was scarred either way. He just wished that Nathan had let him continue in the club, then they could have been together. However the other had to be selfish enough not to see Adrian with anybody else. So he went with Dustin.

Fucking Dustin.

Adrian didn't pay much attention to the way Nathan's hair grabbed at his hair lightly. That didn't matter. He let out an obvious growl as Nathan pulled his neck back. But Adrian didn't fight too much. Being this close to somebody was... He would savor it. Especially since it was Nathan. There probably wouldn't be much going on if he did fight against it anyway, so he placed his hands on the wall to keep from getting squished against it too harshly.

He said nothing to all of those questions. Adrian was being selfish now. But Nathan had been the selfish one back then. They'd switched spots it seemed. "Yeah, I'm sure." Adrian growled, rolling his eyes. He knew that was true. "You think that I could fucking talk to you with Dustin around!? Honestly Nathan? You don't think he would try and sabotage any fucking thing we said to each other!?"

"Yeah. By leaving me all alone. Nathan, it was so much goddamn deeper than that. They made me feel like I was nothing. And then you fucking leaving me didn't help that one goddamn bit. In fact, it probably made it worse." Adrian would admit he was the one that alienated them. But he'd rather it be himself than Dustin, and have Nathan think horrible of him back then. His voice was still angry, but the anger was fading from it.

"I've been by myself Nathan. . . For three goddamn years. I hardly have any fucking friends. I haven't touched another fucking person. So I guess maybe that cancels out your belief that I'm a whore." That last part was growled out, but Adrian didn't make any move. He closed his eyes and let out an aggravated sigh.
 
"No, I don't think that Dustin would try and sabotage anything we said to each other. Fuck, he had me. Twice a week. Some times more than that. And even if he did try and sabotage our words, or what ever the hell, you still didn't even try. I didn't fucking leave you alone, Adrian. You ran away, so don't try to blame things on me. Yes, I was mad. I was mad at you for the first two days, tops. And then I wanted to see you again. But you avoided me. So don't try and blame any fucking shit on me, because I just wanted--" Nathan stopped himself and growled deeply in his throat.

He didn't think Adrian was a whore. Most of those events had slipped his mind-- he could barely remember why they had been fighting anyway. It was so long ago. With an aggrevated sigh of his own Nathan let go of Adrian and pushed himself away from the wall, moving backwards and shaking his head. He shouldn't have followed Adrian back here. All it was causing was heartache. There was no closure.

"Whatever, Adrian. I'm not going to fucking fight with you anymore. I guess I should say good-bye to you too," he said, a bit of irritation in his voice. The anger had almost completely faded. Nathan sighed, glanced up at Adrian, and shoved his hands into his pockets before moving toward the door.
 
Adrian listened quietly. He didn't know what to say to Nathan. It was true. He'd run away. He'd run away because he was sad. He was afraid. He was every damn horrible emotion that you could be. And now all those emotions were coming right back to him. How much he'd missed such lovely contact, even if Nathan was just pushing up against him. It was so missed. Nathan was so missed. Even though he'd been the furthest from Adrian's mind for a while. The missing of the other all came back to hit him like a powerful wave now.

As Nathan moved away from him, Adrian felt his body go slack a little. He turned to watch the other leave. Walk out on him like Adrian had done. Just like Adrian had assumed. Life was just one constant repetition. It was all pain. Pain mostly caused by himself. His horrible, horrible self. Another sigh left his lips, this time much more pained.

In those fluid and quick movements that Adrian was so well known for, he took calm collected steps over to Nathan. A hand was placed calmly on Nathan's shoulder, and he swallowed. "I'm sorry. . ." He leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to Nathan's lips, so innocent and soft. Just as if he might have before, when they were younger.
 
Some part of Nathan was extremely happy that Adrian had stopped him before he walked out of the room, and out of Adrian's life, for good. He hadn't planned on coming to see Adrian when he came to St. Martin's to say good-bye, but now that he'd seen Adrian, all those feelings that he had been pushing away for so long came rushing back onto him. It had hurt, to know that he'd be walking away from Adrian a second time, and to know that it would probably take another year before he could move on-- and even then not fully. So he was extremely glad when Adrian stopped him.

Still slightly-angry eyes looked down on Adrian, though that anger faded when the small kiss was pressed to his lips. Suddenly, Nathan grabbed Adrian and wrapped his arms tightly around the boy, pulling him close into a firm embrace. Nathan let out a shaky sigh and nuzzled at Adrian's shoulder, loving the feel of having Adrian back in his arms-- though it was odd, because this was no longer the boy who he remembered hugging. This was a man.

"I'm sorry too, Adrian. I'm so sorry. . ." He sounded so mournful, and he clutched at Adrian as a dying man would clutch to a loved one.

After the burst of emotion passed, Nathan raised his head and pulled back from Adrian once more. His face looked pained and torn, as if he didn't know what to do next.
 
Adrian wouldn't be able to deal with himself knowing that he'd let Nathan walk out on him. Especially if Adrian didn't stop Nathan. He'd have no reason to cry, because it would be, yet again, his fault. Though he hadn't expected to see Nathan again today it was good that he had. There were probably other ways that he could get over all of this without Nathan. But now that Nathan had brought come back, Adrian could jump over that small little hurtle and maybe start healing. At least part of him. He'd have a reason to heal now, knowing Nathan was out there somewhere. And that they'd had this conversation.

Adrian's eyes widened a little, but he let himself be pulled into the hold of Nathan. Oh. That was better than anything he'd ever felt before. Even better than anything physically pleasuring. He felt... Emotionally embraced, even moreso than physically. Somebody was there for him and knew all he'd been through. This fact meant more than anything in his entire life. In a way, that made Nathan still very, very important to him. For a second Adrian forgot to breath, and his lungs pulled in some air only to exhale in a rather content sigh. It was so funny how quickly things passed between the two of them. They could go from being so angry to so... Was this affection?

"Shh..." He murmured, glancing at Nathan's head from the side of his eyes. "It's alright... It was the both of us. We both made mistakes. . ." The male went quiet when Nathan pulled away. He obviously didn't know what to do either. A hand darted out and he grabbed Nathan's hand, pulling him to sit on the bed with Adrian. "Don't leave. . ."
 
Nathan went easily as he was pulled forward, toward the bed. He really didn't want to leave. If he could, he wanted to spend the rest of the night with Adrian. They had a lot of catching up to do-- emotionally. And if they could patch things up that night, then Nathan knew he had the rest of the summer with Adrian-- but after that? Well, he was leaving. There was no way to change that, but they could keep in touch over the year that he was gone. But his mind was getting ahead of the situation. It was best to curb his thoughts, so he didn't get his hopes up.

The brunette sat down on the bed next to Adrian, his hand entwining their fingers together. Softly, Nathan squeezed Adrian's hand in a reassuring gesture. Though he wanted to stay and talk things out, Nathan had no clue where to start. Hell! Three years of emotional turmoil, and in one night those three years had blown up in their faces. So what pieces needed to be picked up and examined? He knew one question that he wanted to ask, at least, but was afraid of the answer.

Finally he summoned up his courage and hesitantly asked, "Were--were you at least a bit happy, over the past three years?" Nathan looked a bit sheepish, and then looked down at their linked hands, then back up at Adrian, a bit hopeful, wishing that everything hadn't been in vain.
 
Adrian wasn't expecting any resistance from Nathan. The other was quite willing to make things up. Well maybe not make them up, but talk about them, and deal with them. They were older now, and they weren't so cowardly as to ignore the things in front of them. Unlike Nathan, Adrian wasn't thinking much about the summer, or even the future. He was just focused simply on Nathan. Nathan and that moment. Of course he'd love to think he could spend even -more- time with Nathan, but he'd enjoy the bit he had now. And he didn't even know if Nathan wanted to see him again or just leave it like this, close things up.

Adrian squeezd the other's hand right back, letting out another content sigh. He bit the inside of his cheek, thinking about what they actually could talk about. It was odd though, because now Adrian felt calm. He felt like some things were resolved simply by Nathan being here. His green eyes flicked over to the brunette's. The question was whether or not to lie to Nathan or not. He wouldn't lie. . . He was too old to do that to protect people. "I-" His grip on Nathan's fingers tightened a little, and he rested his head on Nathan's shoulder. "I don't know about happy... I've lived." There was a small laugh a pathetic kind.

"But it's not your fault. I've been. . . I closed people out of my life. And I've closed myself out from the world."
 
At least Adrian didn't lie to him. Nathan was pratically holding his breath, and though it dissapointed him that Adrian, after everything, wasn't even able to be happy after all that had happened, Nathan knew it was good that they'd gotten over lying to eachother. It wasn't a good way to try and patch things up. Lies only dug holes deeper. Nathan pressed his lips together and looked down at Adrian through a sidelong look, seeing as Adrian was using his shoulder as a pillow. He resisted the urge to pull the other into his lap.

"That's not good," Nathan murmured and raised a hand to run it through Adrian's dark locks. Suddently, a thought popped into Nathan's mind and he just had to change the subject by asking, "What happened to the red?" The brunette licked his lips and softly squeezed Adrian's hand, which he was still holding on to, if a bit unconciously. He didn't want to let go. Not until he had to. Meanwhile, the other hand moved from Adrian's hair to slip around the other man's waist.
 
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