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We Shouldn’t (SadBoy and Horus)

Eyelashes fluttered closed, Jason's head tilting into one of Alexander's hands. The way that he settled in against his palm was very dog-like, a warm blush flaring along his cheeks. He nodded and brought his hand up to keep his brother's pressed against him. "Of course, I don't mind sleeping in your bed," A smile flickered across his face. "I'd like that a lot. It'd be like this," He chuckled, "Just a little less, uh, soaked." Speaking of which, they'd need to get out eventually- of the tub, and their clothes. He flushed hotter. "Wanna get out of these? I can...step out, if you want me to," Another instance to show his brother that he was willing to be more intimate; that he was serious and that he meant it. He wasn't sure what would be better for them, if they stripped down together and dried off or gave each other privacy. It was hard to know after what had happened, the younger wondering about what- if anything- might trigger his brother again. It was hard for him too, Jason making a groan of comfort at the back of his throat as he was stroked, lids fluttering again. It felt good.

"...Then, then, uh, we can have something to eat, too. I think we could both use it..."
 
Alexander smiled warmly as he saw no signs of deceit in his brother when he spoke. The words seemed to flow forth from Jason as naturally as when he now espoused his wants to Jason. It in fact seemed like his brother was trying his damndest to not do anything too crazy much as he himself was trying, but he could hardly tell. Jason had a strong head on his shoulders from Alex’s perspective. They might both be intelligent, but Jason certainly had more wisdom and strength of character.



Alex’s humor was slowly returning to him, and his eyes were alight with mirth in a way that showed he was feeling happy and healthy again. He nodded to his brother before winking to him when he spoke to with a wry smile, “The only thing I want you to step out of are these clothes of yours. You might catch a cold!” He leaned in to give Jason a peck on the lips before playfully reaching down to grab the hem at the back of Jason’s shirt and slowly attempting to pull the shirt up and off his little brother’s frame so long as he didn’t resist the action.
 
“Catch a cold?” He echoed with a snort, “what are you, a grandma?” It was all in good fun, and Jason didn’t hesitate when his brother made to peel the soaked garment up and off of him. A dusting of pink sat upon his chest and shoulders as it had on his cheeks, meek and sheepish about being bared to him after the last few tumultuous hours- and the last few years of want.

Knowing that they had one another was the first step, and Jason felt like maybe, just maybe, they really would be able to take it slow and have…a relationship as partners, boyfriends. It would be complicated, and they wouldn’t be able to be affectionate here, in their hometown, but maybe in the future…

He thought calmly about it all, too emotionally exhausted to worry in earnest. The rough tickle of his brother’s mustache against his upper lip had him smiling after the peck, too- that was something he was already quickly getting used to. He’d thought about kissing him so many times.

“Happy?” He asked him as he sat there, still straddling his lap while the water beat down on his back. “C’mon, you too,” fingers pulled at the back of Alex’s shirt, pulling it up from behind the man’s head.
 
Alex nodded in reply and helped pull off his shirt without a moment of hesitation. Alexander wasn’t nearly as pink with blush as Jason was flushed, but a small bit of pink rose to his cheeks when he tossed his own shirt aside. Alexander’s eyes flickered between his brother’s face, the beautiful bare chest in front of his eyes, and down to Jason’s trousers. The elder brother was in awe of the younger’s beauty, as he softly said his mind aloud, “You look like an angel.”



Alex’s face twisted into a teasingly mischievous smirk, as he reached down and rubbed the front of Jason’s soaked trousers with his left hand while his right hand continually petted his younger brother’s back. He had no intentions of forcing his brother to do anything, but he didn’t see the harm in teasing him in such a manner. The older brother could hardly resist the opportunity to see his brother’s face overrun with pleasure in any case. Alexander leaned in and kissed Jason on the mouth once again, as he pushed his tongue past Jason’s lips to dance their tongues together.
 
Jason wasn't innocent of staring, just as he wasn't innocent of fantasizing about his brother. He looked down that broad chest and felt an excited little thrill go up his spine at the compliments. He'd felt the same thrill when he'd been cornered in the kitchen, that long-time harbored want, but without any of the fear. "Shut up," He mumbled, though there was no hiding the dopey grin on his lips.

A small grunt left him and he leaned further against Alex when he felt him grope, his own hands sliding down wet torso in exploratory gropes of his own, feeling the firm planes of his chest and the ridges of his nipples. "S'gonna have to come off anyway," He mumbled about his pants before their lips met. Jason hummed into the kiss. The sound came from some place deep, the boy rumbling in contentment- it wasn't like those feel-better kisses from just a few moments ago. Jason was actually able to taste him. He pushed in closer with his hands gliding over Alexander's shoulders, arms crossing behind his neck. Their slick chests slid together.
 
Alexander felt himself tremble with desire and his heart soared with the steadily-increasing intensity of their touches. His moaning was getting louder and higher in pitch that was typically unbecoming of him. His own aching need was growing throughout his body, as he could feel every part of himself throbbing with want.



Alexander had to break his kissing briefly to speak to Jason in a slow pant with a blissful smile and half-lidded eyes, “I—We won’t be able to make it back to the bedroom if you keep it up like this, you little brat.” His words were laced with humor, but it was true that Jason was exciting him in a way that ensured Alex would not have the willpower to refuse his touch even if it was done with some haste. Alex supposed that this was romantic too, but he had always envisioned their first time together as being in a place more conventional in setting. A mental image that popped into Alex’s mind of Jason riding atop him now excited him so much that he visibly shivered against Jason. Alex leaned into Jason’s neck to begin kissing him with occasional bites to gauge levels of sensitivity for future reference, as he wrapped his arms around Jason’s midriff before his hands slid down the back of the younger brother’s trousers to firmly grab each side of his ass.
 
He was surprised by how vocal Alex was being, given that Jason was hardly touching him. At least, where it mattered. “Are you going to say this every time I want to kiss you?” He teased him quietly, head tipping to the side with soft gasps to greet those nips at his neck. They were nice and he was warm, everything pleasant at the surface. Underneath, Jason wondered how this was going to work if, every time, Alex was tempted just to push him down and… rape him? He knew that wasn’t the sentiment, but it had been, and he didn’t think it would happen again, but he wasn’t dumb enough to think he had all the answers.

They were still brothers. Their troubles would still be troubles tomorrow, and when their parents returned. Slowly, he eased back onto his soaked jeans, feeling the grip at his ass cheeks. “How am I gonna get out of these clothes if just a kiss or two makes you wanna do more, huh?”
 
Alexander was a little bit embarrassed by how amateurishly he seemed to be groping his brother. Nobody had ever made the older brother so eager as Jason made him feel, and the rush of groping and stripping away to reveal the skin underneath was new to him in how excited it made him feel. It was hardly his fault that Jason was so sexy, he thought to himself.



The thought of what living with his brother would be like over the coming weeks also sprang to Alex’s thoughts for perhaps slightly different reasons. Thoughts of being able to cook his baby brother food after a long day at work, being able to watch a cheesy romantic comedy together on the couch as a couple, and cuddling with him in the wee hours of the night all made him ecstatic beyond words. His love wasn’t just focused on how he wanted to sleep with Jason, though that certainly did cross his mind, but rather he wanted to love him like a doting boyfriend. The intense lust he felt for Jason was partially the product of him having suppressed his innermost thoughts for years until that very afternoon. Alex’s want for his brother was so intense now because the possibility of having those desires fulfilled was practically within arms reach.



Alex slowly and reluctantly slid his arms back up to Jason’s shoulders to pet him gently. The elder brother avoided his brother’s gaze bashfully while he fought down his brief impulses to simply take his brother. He stammered out an apology before looking back up into Jason’s eye, “I—I—uhm. You just make me really happy, J. I’m sorry I’m being so pushy even though I’m trying not to be.”
 
Jason didn’t seem disgusted or upset at all, instead greeting Alex’s apology with a warm, proud grin. “Hey,” his hands gripped his brother’s head, one on either side, and made them look at each other. Then he kissed him. It was as passionate as a quick kiss could be, and the younger brother said, “You make me happy, too. You make my heart so, so happy, Alex,” afterward.

“but we’ve also got to stop wasting water.” He chuckled, kissing him firmly a second time before trying to make space between them. He was at least half hard right about now, balls aching, but he was still a bite too timid to try anything. He’d almost initiated, the situation had just been a touch too delicate. In the morning surely they’d be in better head-spaces…?

“Think I can just change into some dry pants, or will my tits keep making you go all horn-dog?” He teased him, reaching for the faucet.
 
Alexander glared with a smirk while doing his best to not burst out laughing at his brother’s words. They often shared the same sense of humor seeing as they had always lived under the same roof, but Alex always thought Jason had a firmer grasp of comedy than he did. Alex reached down with his right hand and flicked Jason’s nipple hard with the tip of his middle finger in playful retaliation for the teasing remarks.



“You always have a way of making me smile, ya’ fucking dork, but yes getting into some dry clothes might be a good idea for you. Would you mind if I just stayed naked instead?” Alexander asked his last query with a bit of a nervous upward lilt, as he realized how concerning the question might come across as considering the circumstances of the day. He just felt more comfortable naked, and he always had a preference for being naked when sleeping in his own bed. Alexander did his best to explain himself, “I just uhh— I just feel more comfortable without them. I always run hot, and I much prefer feeling chilly anyways.”
 
A sharp yip from Jason sounded off the flick, him flinching and turning pink all over again, one nipple brighter red than the other for obvious reasons. Wait, naked? Jesus, they hadn’t even been alone for a day!

“Is that what you’d ask if we were dating?” He teased him to distract from his own surprise at the request. “Maybe just underwear, or just a loose pair’a shorts until we go to bed…?” Suggested Alexander’s sibling carefully, followed by a giggle. “Cause I really don’t think I’d be able to, um, look at you much if your dick was out.” And that was all without knowing how often he’d been getting hard these last few hours, too. Poor Jason would be a flustered, lost mess, and then they both wouldn’t be able to think straight!

“And I don’t mind what you’re gonna just wear or, or not…wear in bed, anyways..” Letting Alex know he wouldn’t mind him pressed naked up against him as they lay together. His hair dripped cold water now that the shower was off, and the beads down his back made him shiver. He stood up for a towel.
 
Alexander nodded sheepishly in reply to his brother until they both stood up to grab a towel. Alex walked out of the shower before immediately stripping off his soaking wet jeans to reveal his full erect size to Jason for a few sweet seconds before he grabbed a dry towel and wrapped it around his waist. He spoke to Jason in a tease while he wrapped the white cloth around his waist, “Well— likewise I don’t mind what you wear or don’t wear… although I certainly might take a more hands-on interest with you if you are serious about that…” his tone became more serious and firm to match, “…but tell me to stop if it gets too much for you.”



After he was done covering his crotch with the bare minimum of fabric required to not be nude he turned to Jason and wrapped him up in a warm embrace. Alex leaned in for a kiss on the lips while he reached down with his hands to squeeze the back of Jason’s thighs appreciatively before breaking the kiss after a few wonderful seconds to speak his mind, “I love you so much, Jason. You don’t know just how much this means to me.”
 
Jason spied his cock and would have stared if the shock of it hadn’t made him jerk his head and eyes away. Jesus Christ. He knew he was his big brother, but he really was, uh, a really big brother. The teen’s eyes stayed wide as he fumbled with a towel, sheepish about stripping in company- very, very hard company. His heart fluttered anxiously and he hugged him, nodding with an affirming mumble that it meant a lot to him, too.

when Alex left the room, Jason left the door open before he undressed. He was lean and soft, though the length of his small prick was shaped in an arc from being half-stiff. His legs still felt like Alex was groping them, and it made him twitch. He ground the heel of his palm against his erection from over the cover of a towel and little else, huffing softly.
 
Alex went to his own bedroom to grab a pair of grey sweatpants that left very little to the imagination, as it showed his full bulge through the thin material in a bold shadow when he dropped his towel to don the sweatpants. He smiled a bit to himself at the thought of how Jason was going to probably feel just as flush with desire as he himself was. He liked the idea of teasing Jason and to slowly break down his inhibitions so his younger brother would eventually give in.



Alexander reflected on the events of the day, as he bit his lip with the knowledge that today was only the first of many days that he would be alone with his brother. His nervousness set in when he wondered how long it might take Jason to come around. Alex loved his little brother more than anything, but he knew he couldn’t trust himself to be as patient as he wanted to be. Further intrusive thoughts crept into his mind that threatened to send him into a fit of nervous panic. Would Jason ever come around? What if he didn’t? What if he did, but then decided that things weren’t working out down the line? Worse yet: what if Jason was swept away by some perfectly dreamy guy or gal instead? Alexander sat shirtless on the edge of his bed while he stared vacantly at the floor with an expression of silent distress. Alexander’s abundantly vivid imagination always made his intrusive thoughts that much more perturbing, as he couldn’t help but imagine Jason being pleasured by somebody else with himself only being able to watch dejectedly. His hands balled up into fists with the thought, as he tried to take his mind off of his own insecurities. The fear that dominated his soul more than anything was the fear of simply not being enough, as it always had been his greatest vulnerability.



Alexander hated that his possessiveness and jealousy could potentially drive Jason away, and his mind conjured it as being a certainty rather than a possibility. ‘Jason could never love someone as damaged as me.’ He thought to himself in a pit of self-loathing and self-pity. He wished he was more. He wished he was better for Jason, but he didn’t know where to begin even if he wanted to become better.
 
Jason went for something both less and more revealing than sweats- he pulled on another pair of short, loose shorts, which showed more leg but far less bulge. There wasn’t much to show off, anyways, what with him being about four inches fully hard.

Then he hung up his towel, opting to stay shirtless so his brother didn’t think he was such a meek little thing. The truth was that while he was still a virgin, and not as sex-driven as his brother, he still had urges, lusts and wants. He was still capable of feeling that strong need. He just…happened to also be a bit more of a slow and steady romantic, who just so happened to vigorously finger-fuck himself on the occasion that the house was asleep or empty. Handjobs were easier because he was better able to keep quiet, but they weren’t always as filling.

“Hey,” he leaned in on his brother’s doorframe to take a peek, frowning gently. “What’s going on in here? C’mon, we gotta get you and I something to eat, yknow? Some calories. Let’s go,” his head jerked towards the general direction of the kitchen. Why was Alex zoning out like that? His mood looked like it had done a complete 180.
 
Alex jumped in surprise at hearing his brother’s voice before he looked up over at Jason and sighed wearily. He nodded to his brother and wordlessly walked up and over to the door and made his way past his brother to walk to the kitchen. He figured he didn’t need Jason to worry more about him, and in any case he felt like Jason wouldn’t look at him the same way if he heard what possessive insecurities ran through his mind. His brother was only just now starting to come around to how he felt - how could he really expect him to stay if all he did was flash red flags? In all honesty Alex was surprised his brother hadn’t already called someone to take him to a psyche ward for the foreseeable future.



Alex’s expression was forcefully pushed into a small smile to hopefully create the illusion that he was doing okay. It was something he had been well-practiced with using over the previous two years when he had seen his brother walking home with a potential romantic interest or heard him talking for hours on the phone with the same romantic interests. His body moved autonomously to grab the ingredients he would need to make something simple and filling for the both of them. He settled on making green bean casserole with a mixed margarita drink for the both of them as an addition to their meal. The preparation required was minimal and he figured it had most of the essential nutrients required to maintain good health.



Alexander realized he had been uncharacteristically quiet with Jason, so he struck up a random topic of conversation to mask his abnormal behavior. “Hey Jason, have you settled on any one field after high school? I’m just curious.” He tried to sound casual and calm despite the fact he was anything but in the space of his mind.
 
Jason smiled back at him, but it was just as weak. He thought his brother looked tired, and things just got weirder as he watched him make a meal on autopilot.

“Geez, here I was just going to make us some sandwiches,” he mumbled, coming up behind Alex to wrap his arms around him. Chest to back, the older brother’s body was so pleasantly warm that Jason nuzzled into the back of him again, squeezing around his midsection. Every inch of him really was delicious.

“Today was a big day,” he told him instead of answering directly. “I think we really just need to take it easy, yeah? My arms feel like lead. But I’m happy, Alex.” The last sentence hung in the air for a heartbeat or two. “Are you? What happened? You’re…bothered?” Jason guessed, still embracing him.
 
Alex bit at his bottom lip, as a flicker of sadness flew across his features when he heard his brother’s inquiry. What that all his brother thought could perturb him? He supposed that made sense. After all, how could Jason think of him in any other way today after everything he had put Jason through?



Alexander reached up with his free hand that wasn’t in the midst of cooking to gently pet his brother’s arms that were wrapped around his midriff. It still felt soothing to the touch even in spite of the anxiety he felt. He spoke up in a hushed whisper to Jason, “Something like that…” he vaguely affirmed before continuing in a clearer tone, “…but I’ll be alright. I just need to stop thinking; hence my choice of the margaritas.”



He finished the first stage that was required before he leaned over to open the oven and place the casserole in the oven. He had forgotten to pre-heat it in the haste of his automatic motion, so it would take around fifty minutes to cook through instead of the usual thirty or so - such was one drawback of using a natural gas system instead of more modern electric systems.



Alex turned around and wrapped his arms around his brother while he looked stonily into his eyes. The elder brother briefly leaned in for a kiss before hesitating and pulling back away from Jason’s face halfway through the motion. He wasn’t sure if kissing his brother would make him uncomfortable, and he wanted to present some semblance of stability to the person he wished to court. Making out would surely get old after how much they had already danced their tongues together, he thought to himself. His gaze turned away towards the living room, and he nodded towards the room before looking back to his brother. “Casserole will be ready in a bit. Care to enjoy a bit of alcohol with me and cuddle until it’s done?” Alex’s expression was tired most likely as an effect of having such racing thoughts with no outlet for them.
 
Jason kissed him when it seemed Alex had thought about it, going for his lips before stopping. He was more than happy to kiss, and pecked him instead of turning it into a lengthy kitchen makeout. Contrary to what his brother thought, Jason was absolutely delighted to kiss, and kiss, and kiss. That’s how he’d fantasized about everything; they’d start getting hot and heavy, hands roaming and re-learning one another’s bodies.

He’d been about to do it in the shower, but Alexander’s precarious mental state had made him reevaluate.

“Of course I do,” he told him with one last squeeze, their chests together and his chin on his brother’s chest so that he could blink up at him. “Might let you drink most of mine, too, though…sometimes I don’t like the taste,” unless it was sweet and fruity enough to hide most of the alcohol, he would probably only have a few sips. Drinking just didn’t taste that good unless it was sugared up. It meant he made for a good designated driver at parties, and it meant he saved money since he didn’t find it all that fun.

Picking up one of the margaritas, Jason hummed, enjoying the sweetness and licking his lips. “To the couch?” He asked as he turned towards the living room anyways.
 
Alex nodded before tilting his head back and chugging down the entirety of his margarita over the course of a few seconds. He set the glass down and followed his brother to the living before plopping himself down on the couch, and he laid down to stare up at the ceiling for a few seconds before turning his gaze back to his brother. Alcohol tended to make Alex a little bit spacey as well as relaxed, but he hardly ever liked to drink in excess quantities because it made his mood depressed and melancholy. One margarita wouldn’t hurt though.



Alex leaned over and took Jason’s margarita glass to set it on the coffee table in front of the couch before pulling his brother into a warm embrace. He laid back so Jason would be atop him. He preferred for his brother to be in control for the moment, as Alex didn’t trust himself not to be unduly salacious or pushy if he had any sort of leverage over Jason. The elder brother spoke in a soft whisper to Jason as he felt the effects of the alcohol start to take shape, and he couldn’t help but ask one of the questions that most brightly burned in his mind, “Do you think that you’ll get tired of me?” Alex didn’t know why he felt the need to ask it or what he even expected as a response. What the hell kind of question was that anyways? Alas, it was too late to take back the words, as he looked glumly at Jason and waited for an answer.
 
He’d never really laid with him like this, so close and intimate. It made him warm and happy, and a little flustered because he could definitely feel the shape of his brother’s cock through those sweatpants. Jason made a low hum of contentment, one hand on Alex’s chest.

The only thing that would have made it better was if his brother wasn’t upset. He gently pushed his other hand into the older’s hair, stroking it. When the question reached him, he looked a little heartbroken. “Xander,” cooed Jason softly, sadly, “Xander. I’ve known you my whole life, n’ I haven’t gotten tired of you yet.” He told him, lips pursed. The truth was that there was no way to know what would happen- some relationships could be good and still fizzle, still end.

It scared him a good amount to think that they would break down their own morals to be together, go through all the trauma and trouble, and then get tired of one another at some point. But, but they were family…

“I can’t see me, can’t see that ever…happening, Alex. But it’s scary to think about.” Jason agreed with him quietly, still combing fingers through his brother’s hair. “Is that what’s got you so upset?” It was certainly not fun to think about.
 
Alex hesitated before nodding an affirmative, as his eyes began to water faintly. He was glad he didn’t need to say more than he already had for Jason to understand where his mind was at - or at least to understand his fear to some degree. Jason spoke with a small crack in his voice that betrayed how emotional he really was despite the fact he had been so stoic previously, “Yeah, I’ve just been overthinking I guess. I can’t help but think about what if you— if we break up and grow apart. I—I can’t lose you.” Small tears began to stream from Alex’s face, as he raised his hands to cup Jason’s face before continuing to speak with more of a tear in his voice than before, “I don’t want to ever lose you because I was a shitty boyfriend, b—but I…” He couldn’t find the strength to get the last words of ‘But I know I’m not good enough’ out, as he bit his lip nervously and looked into his brother’s eyes searchingly. He wanted to be honest with his younger brother, but Alex feared that Jason would grow weary of his need for reassurance and validation. Even Alex himself was suspicious of ulterior motives with his actions as being an attempt at emotional manipulation.



Alex spoke a mumbled apology to his brother, as he tried not to look him in those perfect eyes for fear of what he might do. He needed to be reassured, and he wanted nothing better than to kiss his brother passionately and truly to stifle those doubts in his mind. He wanted to be strong on his own to show Jason he was worth the energy, but he felt so fragile after having to keep his feelings bottled in for so long. Outwardly he had looked stable for the last two years, but his mind had been wracked with shame, guilt, and self-loathing that often left him a nervous wreck in when he was alone with his thoughts. Alex hated that he couldn’t keep his emotional armor on when he was alone with Jason. He wondered to himself why he could never put walls up with brother when he needed to most.
 
Jason was at a loss, his face sad as it gazed down from the grasp of his brother’s large and loving hands. “Xander,” he gushed softly, his hand coming up to hold his brother’s. “This is the same thing we were worried about before. I’m, I love you just as much as you love me. I’m not leaving. We can’t…we can’t worry about what’s in the future, because if I, if I reassure you, if I get you to believe me that I won’t leave or get chased away in the next year, the next two, when’s the worry stop?”

Jason, as a victim of his own anxieties, knew that the answer wasn’t easy. “Maybe you…should talk to someone,” he told him, worry lines across his brow and at the corners of his mouth. “Alex, my meds helped me so much. I feel like you would benefit…you’re, you practically got sick earlier. You need help, if you’re so upset about it. It’s a hard…situation,” Jason swallowed. “But I don’t want you to get any worse, you know?”
 
Alex turned his eyes back to face Jason before nodding to his brother and speaking in a slightly more stable whisper, “Maybe. I just— I don’t know. I never really realized I had such an… intense fear of abandonment. But… I never really had anybody I was so afraid to lose, ya’ know?” The words surprised himself with how easy they seemed to flow out of him now that he was being honest with his brother. He wondered to himself why he was always such a tool in comparison to Jason. He was nearly a decade his little brother’s senior and yet he always seemed to have far better emotional awareness than he did. He supposed the meds might’ve helped him think, but the fact that Jason was so insightful for his age was always something he had admired for a long time.



Alex’s tears began to stop, as he smiled to Jason with an almost embarrassed look on his face. He spoke with a little of humor creeping into his voice despite how awkward he felt, “I’m sorry your big brother is such a fuckin’ mess compared to you. In any sane world I should be the one comforting you. I love you.” Alex’s right hand moved up to run his fingers through Jason’s hair while he looked into Jason’s eyes with a smile.
 
He wiped at his tears with his thumbs, kissing around his face in sweet, reassuring pecks. “I’ve always been afraid of losing you,” he agreed. “But you’re not…” not a mess? That would be a lie. “You’re not wrong to be upset. It’s a messy, messy situation.” His hands embraced Alexander’s head to his chest so that he could press another kiss into his hair.

“Nothing is sane right now. But I’m here, Alex. You’re here. It’s going to be okay, but these…the severity of how you were acting was scary. You were so intense. That’s the stuff that I think really needs a professional.” Jason spoke low and careful, but heartfelt.

“I’m going nowhere but you need help. I don’t want anything to happen uh, again..”
 
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