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We Shouldn’t (SadBoy and Horus)

The whining sound he heard his brother make as he spoke made Alex immediately aroused all over again despite the fact that he had just recently blown his load by his own hand. Alex felt his manhood perk up and rub painfully against the zipper of his jeans. Maybe going commando hadn’t been a great idea, but it was a bit too late to do anything about that now. He ignored the pain to the best of his ability, as he held his brother closer still while he leaned his head down to whisper in Jason’s ear, “I love you too, Jason.” Alexander knew his mask was going to completely crack, but this time he didn’t care. He knew his brother wanted this too, and nobody was watching. It was going to be just the two of them in the house for months - he couldn’t turn down such a golden opportunity. Jason was too perfect to let him slip through his fingers.



Alex leaned into Jason’s neck and gingerly placed a warm kiss on his brother’s neck while he held Jason tight so he couldn’t pull away. The feeling of his soft skin made a shiver run down his own neck. Alex needed to show his brother just how much he loved him. He needed to finally let it all out after having held back for so long.
 
His blood ran cold, nauseous pit of worry and self-hatred coiling tighter and tighter in his stomach. From that kiss, anticipation prickled along his skin, making goosebumps rise along with the fine hair at his nape. It was terrifying. The hand on the fridge’s door handle clenched with all of the self control that he had, while his face and body burned hot despite the chill of the refrigerator on his nose and cheeks.

“Alex,” rasped the younger weakly, pleading, “Please, don’t, we can’t, we really, really can’t,” his legs shook. It was hard not to turn around and bury his face in his chest on a normal day- today, though? Maybe it was all in his head, but Jason swore his brother smelled like sex. It made everything all the more confusing, so much internal fighting in the both of them.
 
Alex’s breath became hot with excitement even despite (or perhaps because of) Jason’s pleading protests. Alexander wasn’t going to stop now. His love and desire were both too strong, and he was at his breaking point in terms of his mind and his willpower. Alex whispered shakily into Jason’s ear a confession of sorts, “The last two years that I’ve had to hide how much I love you have been the longest and hardest two years of my life. I can’t help it - I can’t take having to hide how I feel anymore… I just can’t. I’d rather have to hide a pair of scissors inside my wrists than deny how I feel.” Alex proceeded to nibble on Jason’s ear ever so slightly before delicately kissing Jason’s neck. It was evident that having to deny his true feelings had taken a toll on his mental state despite the fact that he seemed so calm and collected on a day-to-day basis. He had learned to mask his pain well, but the pain was always there even if it wasn’t visible.



Alexander moved his right hand to slide underneath Jason’s shirt to play with his nipples while his left arm held the younger brother in place. He whispered gently to Jason, “I love you…” before kissing his brother on the cheek close to his lips.
 
Two years? Two whole years. The revelation had Jason breathing out a hot, hard gasp, his eyes fluttering closed at the graze of warm lips. It tickled, it tingle, it made him warm and fuzzy and horribly anxious all at once. Nate.” he said it firmly, but his body was quaking. Knees felt like jelly. He swallowed and pushed himself back, away from the fridge to at least allow it to close, but it kept him snug against the front of his brother at the same time. Was he fantasizing, exaggerating, or was Alex hard again?


Jason whimpered and tucked his chin down to his chest when he felt the brush of a kiss near his mouth, gasping again.

How far did he want to go? How far would he? The panic rose alongside the excitement, world spinning as he swooned. Jason couldn’t turn around and he couldn’t turn away, stuck there with a kiss leaving a wet, hot spot next to his mouth. He licked his lips and just whispered, hurting for his brother, “Two years is such a long time, I…I don’t know how-“ breath hitched dry in his throat. “How you could do that, I’m, how do you-“ now his voice broke, too. “How you become okay with it.”
 
Alex smiled a little bit sadly as he answered his brother’s question, “Because I can’t choose who I love, and I’ve known for a while that I only love you like that. Every time I tried taking my mind off of you with some boy, girl, or enby it just made me feel impossibly empty.” His voice broke a little bit, as he did his best not to break down in front of Jason.



Suddenly Alexander grabbed Jason by the shoulders and spun him around so they were finally facing each other before he pinned his younger brother to the fridge by the space between the pockets of his shoulders and his torso. Alex looked desperately into his brother’s eyes with an expression of intense longing before leaning in to kiss Jason meaningfully and passionately on the lips. He couldn’t hold back anymore, it was futile. His kiss lasted for what felt like an eternity of bliss, and he felt like fireworks were going off in his heart at finally expressing a small fraction of just how much he loved Jason.
 
Jason’s eyes were bright, wide and startled when he was finally able to look upon the stressed young man confessing himself repeatedly, baring his heart and a horrible, life-ruining secret. It hurt the most because it was true to everything Jason had experienced, too; he loved his friends dearly, but when, on the few occasions he’d given it a go, he’d dated them, there had been no spark. No passion, not in the sensual way. He’d never been able to go very far, his attraction to them nearly nonexistent. He felt the same way, that he couldn’t love someone the way he so desperately needed to love on and be loved on by his brother.

Eyes pinched shut against the sudden intensity of that kiss, none of the relief that he’d expected coming with it. Instead, his shoulders stayed bunched up, and his brow furrowed apologetically when he looked again at Alexander. More sad smiles, pitying ones, from younger to older sibling, Jason’s hands coming up to cradle his brother’s face.

“But it’s just going to be another secret if, if we do do something, if we do anything- you’ve just kissed me, for god’s sake, Alex! We can’t- we can’t do this! It’s not just like we can come out of a closet— literally nobody can know how we feel! We can’t- if this is what you’re really trying to do, we can’t live like this! What, we’re going to live together until we’re old?! How does that work when we’re already family, Alex?! You- you waited two years-“ his hands had fallen to his brother’s arms, squeezing his biceps as he had his own meltdown of sorts. So much for comforting Alex.

“But what about in five? Ten? Thirty? We can’t just settle down, that’s not- we know- people know us! Think about it, please!” There it was, those panic-attack triggers bubbling up to the surface. Jason was already a worrier by nature, and such a dangerous passion required serious thinking. Or overthinking, on Jason’s part, but he didn’t think their future- which yes, he’d thought about many a time when he could get no rest from the plague of thoughts in the middle of the night- was something that could be overthought. The kid hadn’t even graduated high school yet and here he was making himself sick about an idea in the far-away future.
 
Jason’s words wounded Alex, but the elder brother knew the younger brother was almost certainly just lashing out because of the anxiety attack he was experiencing. Alexander’s expression was hurt for a moment before turning stonily stoic. He figured one of them had to be the calm one, so why shouldn’t he act like the big brother and be brave enough for the both of them? He spoke a simple one-word command to Jason with a voice that could grind stone with how hard it was, “Hush.”



He moved his hands to Jason’s wrists and pressed his brother’s arms hard against the refrigerator door to pin them in place. He resolved that he would make his brother accept his love. He would do everything in his power to make Jason see things his way. He didn’t want to force his brother like this, but he was at his wit’s end and the feeling of rejection he felt was enough to drive him mad as a hatter. He hated the look of pity his brother had held for him. He didn’t want Jason to look at him like he was some kind of damaged puppy.



Alexander leaned in to kiss his brother again, but this time he did it on the bare side of his collar bone that could be seen past his snug shirt. He spoke in that same stony voice to his brother as he trailed his kisses from his collar to his Adam’s apple and finally to his ear to whisper icily, “It took me two years to accept how I feel for you. I think I’ll give you a crash course in that acceptance if it’s all the same to you.” His hands moved back down from Jason’s undoubtedly sore wrists to instead go down to grab the hem of his brother’s shirt and raised it up to his neck so his chest was bare and clearly visible. Alex was mesmerized by the sight briefly before he eagerly craned his neck down to lick his brother’s righthand-side nipple as he had so badly craved.
 
Seeing the change in his brother’s face, how it hardened, had Jason feeling like he’d been slapped. It was different than a disagreement. He’d hurt his brother, his brother was…disappointed? Angry? Jason didn’t know, but he felt sick for a different reason now, guilty and like he’d wronged him, all before he was roughly grabbed at and treated like a toy by a tormented dog. A dog that’d been teased for far too long.

Jason jerked his head to the side and winced, his lips pressed together for a whimper. Hands clenched into fists, opening and closing, a horribly humiliated sound coming from his chest as his brother’s long time of torment formed into something jagged, horrible and perfect for tormenting Jason now instead. He tried to shrink back against the fridge and the cold metal against his naked back had bared nipples stiff in seconds.

“Alex,” he whined again, woeful and apprehensive, “Alex, Alex don’t, don’t!” It was a moan, a mournful wail that almost buckled into a sob. He just wanted them both to stop hurting. He wanted to hold him and kiss him, but ferocious words from the elder left him with a chest that felt constricted. It felt like he was choking, being smothered under all of this sudden and unfettered passion.

He didn’t think that he’d ever been scared of him, certainly not like this. “Please, I love you, I do, but—“ a harried gasp interrupted him, the scrape of Alexander’s beard and heat of his mouth encouraged the sound out of his chest. His knuckles were white as they flexed into fists again. God. God, did he love him, but he was so lost.
 
Alexander heard Jason’s whines as a call for more stimulation rather than less. Maybe his brother would accept his love if he made him feel good, he thought to himself. Any logical rationality that normally dominated his thinking was completely absent from Alex’s mind at the moment, as he pushed more and more against his brother’s stated wishes for the both of them. His love was true, but the way he was going about it was caustic and traumatizing. If he stepped back and took a second to assess the situation he would have easily seen the error of his ways and try to rectify the damage he had caused, but Alex was not going to back away until he was sure Jason was his.



Alex kneeled down, wrapped his arms around his brother’s waist, and lifted him into the air over his shoulder before walking back to the living room and setting him down gingerly on the sofa they had sat on together less than an hour ago. It seemed fitting to the elder brother to continue his objective where his frustrations had begun to boil over in the first place. Alexander got on his knees in front of where he had planted his brother on the sofa before he began wordlessly tugging down on Jason’s trousers. His intentions were clear, and he would fight to have his way.
 
Their parents being gone had such a startling effect on the elder brother, Jason’s mind still spinning as he was hefted up and carried into the other room, Alex seemingly deaf all the while.

Part of him started to panic hard enough that he began to shut down, but the other part of him was desperate for that, and for this, not to happen; it didn’t matter how often he’d dreamed of this, or of it with reversed positions. This wasn’t how he’d dreamed about it.

“What if you were somebody else?!” He blurted, “If somebody else was trying to touch me when I told them to stop?!” His voice was jagged in pitch, desperate and half shouted from his chest. Half-hard in his boxer-briefs, Jason didn’t know what would happen if his brother thought that he was enjoying this.

One hand drew back and eyes misted over, glossy with tears. If his brother didn’t seem to respond to what he’d said, the boy was driving his palm flat to the older’s cheek. Jason didn’t want to hurt Alex, but he didn’t want to be hurt by him, either, and his heart was already aching. His body wanted to burst.
 
Alex’s left eye twitched slightly with irritation when he heard his brother’s words. If he was anybody else this wouldn’t even be a problem, he thought to himself. If he wasn’t Alexander, the ostensibly perfect elder brother, he would be able to make love to Jason without an issue. His own eyes narrowed and turned misty when he paused and turned his head back up to look into his brother’s eyes with a war of conflicting feelings that all threatened to overpower his thoughts. Alex saw the hand that was pulled back to strike him, and he grimaced with pain instead of guilt. He wasn’t letting himself feel guilty yet - he had spent so long feeling guilty and ashamed that he had learned to deafen his mind to it in short bursts.



His eyes looked back to Jason’s eyes before he spoke with seething anger that belied how much emotional pain he was in, “Then hit me, Jason. Make me feel something other than this.” A tear streaked down his cheek while he spoke. It would be the first of many he shed today. Alex buried his head in his hands before giving up on his efforts for the time being, as he hid his face from Jason while he began crying hard with mournful grief-wracked sobs of his own. His mind wandered to if his brother would be better off if he was gone forever. Jason could finally get some closure and move on if he permanently removed himself from the equation, he thought to himself. Under normal circumstances Alexander was never suicidally depressed, but these were clearly not normal circumstances.

Despite his best efforts, Alexander could not be the strong face he believed Jason needed right now.
 
He was ready for it, ready to hit him, and to scream, to break down even further, because the vicious anger he saw from the culmination of the past two years made him feel more afraid than he'd ever been. To think this feeling, striking him like lightning, was towards his brother? It broke him, and it broke Alex, too, it seemed. Jason broke in a different way right after, hurting for Alex when he ended up being the one breaking down, crumbling before him on his knees just seconds after almost tearing the clothes off of his little brother.

After the initial shock and emotional whiplash, his eyes fell to broken Alexander between his knees and his hand came down, both of them coming together to hold onto Alex's shoulders while he pressed his forehead to his brother's hair. He was able just to hold him, like how he wanted to. His heart hammered still from the adrenaline and fright of Alex shoving him up against the fridge, mouthing at his chest before trying to go down on him. Jason sniffled and his hands ran down those broad shoulders, squeezing them and coming back up to rub his back, too.

"It's okay," He whispered hoarsely, "It's okay. We're gonna be okay."
 
Alex’s body was still shaking with his pitiful sobbing, as he held onto his brother for some kind of comfort. Jason’s words of reassurances both helped and hurt his wounded heart. He was in too much pain to have looked into his brother’s eyes to see how he felt in the moment, so a large part of Alexander couldn’t tell if his brother meant what he said or if he was just trying to appease the man who had nearly tried to rape him. The realization that his brother had almost lost his virginity by his hand in such a violent fashion tore at Alex’s guts with the guilt and shame he had been previously suppressing. His thoughts were a haze of self-loathing and sorrow. How could he be so callous? What was so wrong with him that he would try and hurt his brother like that? He felt sick to his stomach even as his body was still frustratedly aroused which only made his queasiness worse.



He spoke to Jason through his own sobbing, as he tried desperately to apologize for what he had tried to do, “I—I—I’m so s—sorry, J. I—Something is— Something is really wrong with me. I didn’t mean…” he stopped to pause before he lied in vain. He really had meant to do what he wanted with his brother after all, and he owed it to Jason to be honest, “… I don’t know why I’m so fucked in the head. I think I’ve been going crazy these last couple of years. I— I just wanted you to really love me.”



He let go of Jason and finally stood up. He staggered back away from his little brother before turning on his heel to go into their bathroom and closed the door behind him - though not locking it this time.



Alex looked at himself in the bathroom mirror briefly in disgust at the tear-stained and pathetic look on his face before taking a deep breath and relaxing his mind to try and think clearly. He opened up the bathroom cabinet beside the mirror to try and find something that could help numb him; he was initially looking for leftover prescription painkillers before his hand settled on his straight razor. He looked to it and paused while he thought about how it could take his pain away before slamming the cabinet shut in a panic when he realized where his mind was going. He was in the midst of a mental breakdown, and he needed something to ground him to reality so he didn’t slip. He walked further into the bathroom and swung the bathroom curtain aside to turn on the shower to pour cold water before he climbed in with his clothes still on his body to huddle up in a ball on the floor, as he closed his eyes and wept quietly in the shower while he tried to mentally disengage from the situation.
 
Jason was medicated for his disorders. There...wasn't really a name for what was consuming his brother, he didn't think, unless it was some kind of manic...depression? He didn't know, he'd never had to deal with such lows. His panic and anxiety had been managed with a long-term medication, something he took every day and it helped regulate whatever messed-up chemical levels always used to push him into panicky overdrive. Before that, though? He'd had to rely on taking something different, and stronger, almost every day. It wasn't healthy, you weren't supposed to take it daily; it was a benzo, and he was lucky that he didn't develop an addiction.

Despite his new meds, sometimes his panic still crept through, and he needed one of those pills again. It was exceedingly rare, so the bottle with it's sparse few leftovers were over a year old, but it certainly seemed to Jason that his brother needed some kind of help in the midst of all this.

Ever the worrier, he had never wanted to simply hand over a pill, but his dose of it was already so low- fuck, after this, maybe they could both use one. It would mellow them out enough not to cause anymore chaos, and as much as Jason wanted to believe it was over as soon as it had started, he was still fearful that Alex might try to do something to him again.

Even without knowing that thoughts of considering self-harm perturbed the brain of his brother, all of the turmoil and the fact he'd heard the bathroom door close still made him anxious. He fixed his pants and got up after him, first pushing into his own bedroom for his pills. He brought one with him, relief flooding him to find the door unlocked. That saved him from feeling a whole different kind of urgency.

"Hey," He pushed into the bathroom and said it again, firmer, "Hey. Alex, please- Alex, sit up for me, come here," Jason's voice was still hoarse as he knelt down by the side of the bathtub, reaching his empty hand in to push reassuringly against soaked shirt-sleeve. "Please, 'xander, c'mere," He continued to murmur. "You should...I, I've got you one of my Xanax. It'll help...Please, you need something to, to help calm you down," Because the longer those sobs went on, the more his heart wrenched, and the drug was powerful enough to keep his mood calm, if not downright lethargic, for the rest of the night. It wasn't the best idea but Jason was at a loss and as scared for himself as he was for his brother.
 
Alexander only half-heard his brother until he mentioned taking a Xanax to calm down. His eyes darted to see the section of the bar of medicine his brother had in hand. He was instantly tempted to take Jason up on the offer until he thought critically about how it would tranquilize him in a brief moment of logical lucidity. If he hadn’t panicked when he felt his mind wander to thoughts of suicide with his gaze on the straight razor his brother would have probably entered the bathroom to a much messier sight. Alex wondered if the medicine would help mask that panic. If that was the case and he took it… he didn’t know if he would stop himself this time. The thought of fading to black in such a manner was frighteningly tempting until he thought about what it would do to Jason. Alexander knew his brother would never recover from that kind of loss. In fact, his baby brother might not ever stop blaming himself. Pain gripped his heart at the thought that Jason might end up following him into the ground soon after.



Alex looked at Jason and shook his head in a refusal before his eyes stared forward vacantly at nothing while he choked out a few words between the tremors his body gave out, “I—I can’t. I won’t stop next time if I take that.” His choice of words had been vague as to what he was referring to, and it occurred to him that his brother would probably think he meant he wouldn’t stop trying to assault Jason rather than stop himself from ending his own life. He didn’t feel like correcting the assumption anyway - he didn’t want his brother’s pity. Alex whispered three words faintly even as he couldn’t look his brother in the eyes, “Leave me alone.”



Alex had no idea what he was going to do now. His brother was always going to see him as a failure and a lunatic now, he thought. What was even the point of trying to make Jason his way if he would never look at him happily? He closed his eyes again, as he pushed his brother away gently with his left hand before relaxing his entire body. He would get up eventually, he told himself, but he didn’t want to move right now. He didn’t want to do much of anything in that moment except cry his eyes out and sleep forever.
 
"Then don't," He said of taking it, discarding the pill easily and watching it go down the drain with the rest of the water in the tub as the shower rushed on. "But I'm not leaving you alone, Alex. I can't. I'm afraid to," He told him plainly, heaving a sigh as he stood up. It was going to be really, really fucking cold. One hand on the rim of the bathtub, he stepped over it, wincing and hissing internally, his teeth grit together, while the frozen water rushed through thin fabric and easily rendered him as soaked as his brother. His legs stretched on either side of Alex, Jason's front to his brother's back. Lean arms reached forward and wound around Alexander's midsection, the younger of the pair pressing his face against Alex's back, between his shoulder blades. "I want to be able to hold you," He murmured to him. "Let me hold you. I told you I loved you, and I meant it, now just..." Settle. Jason intended on being in here for as long as it took, his hands wound tight around the older's frame.

"Please." He only lifted his head to press a hopefully-comforting kiss to the back of his brother's neck, his breath on his nape the only warm thing under the freezing water. It had rendered their clothes into sopping wet second skins.
 
The feeling of his brother’s body winding around his body initially aggravated Alexander. What now? Why the hell couldn’t his brother leave him be? The kiss changed that sentiment quickly though, and it had definitely succeeded in giving him some small comfort though maybe not in the way his brother had intended. He audibly gasped and hit his bottom lip when he felt those soft lips on his skin. Tears anew fell down his face and were washed away by the water crashing down upon their bodies. His heart rate accelerated again, as he felt his manhood go completely hard again from the sudden positive stimulation of his nervous system. The elder brother’s stomach churned with queasiness and shame at the thought of what he would do if Jason kept comforting him like this. His heart ached with desire even as he repeated those words again with a whimper, “Leave. Me. Alone.” He was shaking again, but this time his body trembled with excitement and fear. He didn’t want to hurt his brother by trying to force him into making love, and yet he couldn’t help as he got more excited with Jason’s touch.



Alex sat up and meekly tried to wriggle away from Jason in his water-soaked clothes with an expression of obvious distress. He hated feeling so comfortable with Jason, because being too comfortable is what had started the snowball effect that led to him trying to force himself on Jason. Clearly he couldn’t let himself be off his guard, he thought to himself. He feared that if Jason kept showing him the comfort and affection he needed he would hurt Jason all over again. He didn’t trust himself anymore - he didn’t trust that he wouldn’t make yet another stupid mistake.
 
"Stop, please," he told him, thinking to himself that maybe tonight would be best spent apart. That could be brought up later, when Jason wasn't afraid of leaving his brother alone. "Come here. Turn around," More murmurs, his hands sliding down the sides of the older's body, knowing from how desperate and unhinged Alex had been that he'd been wanting it for so, so long- Jason didn't want to be forced upon, his wrists still hurting, but he had no qualms with touching him and helping him come around, especially right now. If being more intimate would help Alex feel less disgust about himself, less troubled and...less self-loathing, Jason wanted to do that for him. "turn around, please, Alex," Jason told him, his own expression wrought with worry. "let me kiss you. I do-- I told you, I do feel f...for you, but you were scaring me," If Alex didn't turn around to face him, Jason's hands kept sliding down, towards his brother's lap. Unlike Alex, however, if his brother protested further intimacy, the boy was going to pull away. He had no intentions of violating the young man. He kept his head pressed to his nape all the while, unless that body began to shift to allow them to face each other.
 
Alex was distraught even as he sat back down to lean into his brother’s grasp. He needed the love and attention Jason offered, but he hated the idea of being offered something like this out of fear or pity. Eventually Alexander obliged to turn himself around and reluctantly looked into Jason’s eyes with guilt despite how good it felt to be held - or possibly because of how good it felt. He didn’t deserve kindness, or pity, or love. He deserved to be in a box six feet underground, or at least that’s how he felt about himself after what he had done.



He couldn’t deny that his brother was helping him even by just showing his love, and yet Alex’s lips trembled so badly when he tried to speak that he couldn’t even get the words out at first. Alexander hesitated before he held Jason’s hands in his own and pressed the soft skin to his cheeks. Alex closed his eyes and started to feel an inner serenity flow through him. He needed his brother. He needed this peace that Jason always instilled into Alex, and Alexander was too touch-starved to refuse it no matter how much he knew he didn’t deserve it. He opened his eyes back up to look Jason in the eyes and speak more clearly even with a slight tremble in his lips, “I need you, Jason. I’m half a soul when I can’t be at your side - I—I’m not whole without you. Please…” his gaze turned back down to the shower floor as he begged his last request with his throat choked by him holding back from sobbing, “…please forgive me. I’ll do anything.”
 
With his brother finally facing him, Jason cradled his face gingerly, sweetly, not letting Alex look at the ground. "I already told you, I love you. I need...n-need you, too," It was hard to say, and the knot in his stomach physically hurt as he said it aloud. Did he mean it? He wasn't lying, that much was for sure, but Alexander's frantic, manic behavior had certainly hurried his decision. At least Alex had done one thing he'd intended- he'd gotten his little brother so tangled up in these emotional complexities that now they were in it together. Even though Jason still hadn't come around to accepting and moving past the wrongness of it all, here he was, acting on it.

Alex was hating himself for making Jason uncomfortable, for almost chasing him away and for almost raping him, meanwhile Jason was hating himself because of how twisted he felt inside. Never in a million years did he think he'd actually be doing this, and he'd never have wanted the reason to be because his older brother was essentially suicidal.

"Come here," Repeated the teenager as his hands helped tilt Alex's face. His breath hitched and he kissed him, seconds longer than just a peck, but with no intention of making it more inappropriate than it already was. "You scared me, but you, you stopped," Barely. "And, and I know that's not you. You wouldn't hurt me, I know you wanted to, but we'll figure it out, okay? I don't...not want to be with you, but I need you, I need us, to go slower. Alex, I haven't had the years you have, okay? So, so even though I want the same things, I'm just not...ready for all of them," But kissing, he could do. He could do some of the things he knew Alex ached for.

He leaned in again, fingers pushing into the hair by his brother's ears, and kissed just beneath his eye, tasting salt on his lips. Another deep sigh left him as he pressed his cheek to Alexander's, just trying to hold him. There were a few attempts at nuzzling, at cradling, trying to pull him in even closer.

"Just put your arms around me, yeah? Y'don't have to be afraid to touch me." He pressed a kiss to his forehead and, sharing a split second of eye contact, made to kiss him on the mouth again.
 
Alex whimpered with a mix of pleasure and surprise at the kisses he had received, and he was in a bit of a daze even as he listened to his brother speak his mind on the matter with the fullest attention he could manage. His brother really loved him, he thought. Alexander didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or do a full-send of his skull to the bathroom floor, so he opted instead to simply do as his brother asked of him and pulled his arms around Jason to hold him warmly despite the cold of the water pouring on their skin. When Jason leaned in to kiss him on the mouth again he let himself close his eyes and enjoy the sensation of Jason’s soft lips against his own.

There was not a rush of excitement in Alex, but instead he felt a deep calm that centered his being. He could hear the gentle patter of the shower skip along them in a way that seemed melodious to his ears - almost like the sounds of nature at work. Alexander briefly reached back behind his head with his left hand to switch the temperature of the shower to something moderately warm so his brother would be less cold. Alex preferred the cold and he loved cold showers to clear his mind, but he would prefer a minuscule compromise of his comfort zone to let his brother feel warmer both literally and figuratively.

He reached back around to rest his left hand on Jason’s shoulder while he accepted Jason’s kiss, and he was careful not to grow too aggressive for his brother. They would move at Jason’s pace. Alex couldn’t bear the thought of making his brother so incredibly afraid of him again.
 
He shivered from the icy shower and he worried even more as he realized that their parents would be gone for a long while- was every day going to be like this? Tumultuous and chaotic? Or was this brief moment of calm a hint of the better things to come? He didn't want to let go, afraid of even a single bad thought eating it's way into Alexander's mind, but he also knew from first-hand experience that those things couldn't be chased away just with a few words and a kiss. It was deeper.

"I love you. I love you, I love you. I shouldn't," Not in the ways that he did, but there was no way to skirt around it. "But I fucking love you." His hands were less careful, pushing firmer through Alex's hair and drifting down to clutch at his shirt. The warmer the water grew, the easier it was to think. Things just came about so much easier. He gasped a breath of passion and shifted, sitting up on his knees and straddling his brother, their positions letting the younger, shorter of the pair loom over his brother for once. He pressed his face into the side of Alexander's neck, feeling the pulse of his heart through his carotid while his own blood pounded in his ears.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" He asked against his ear, still holding him. "If it's easier, I can stay with a friend, but I don't want to leave you alone," He told him earnestly. "Whatever you need me to do, whatever I can do, you tell me. Tell me, Alex. That's what I'm here for: you. Just you."
 
Jason’s boldness continually surprised Alex, and he smiled slightly while looking up into Jason’s eyes. Alexander was… proud. He saw that Jason was fighting through both of their fears with incredible courage, and the elder brother voiced his adoration, “You’re growing into an amazing man - you know that? You’re stronger than I could ever hope to be.” Alexander knew that he needed Jason. This calm that he felt was because of Jason’s small token of acceptance and an admission of love. It was true that Alex’s insecurities ran deep, but Jason had made his brother feel more peace than he had felt in years. This… this was nice. This was perfect for him.



Alexander spoke to Jason softly with a plea and a promise, “Stay with me tonight. I promise I won’t force you to do anything like that again - I’ll follow your lead. I—I just need to know you’re with me. I love you so much.” Alex visibly hesitated, but then slowly he craned his face up and pressed a gentle kiss against Jason’s lips while he closed his eyes again to savor the feeling. He didn’t know for sure if his brother would love him like this ever again, and he wanted to remember every bit of this moment in case he would never feel Jason’s touch like this after tonight.
 
Jason wasn't sure if he would have called it courage, but it was helping Alexander, and that's all that mattered to him. He nodded, "You want me to stay, I'll stay. Of course you have me, of course I'm with you," He told him, leaning into his kiss in an act of affirmation and reassurance. He'd seen the wary way Alex had moved, as if he was still unsure of himself and of what Jason's reaction would be- if this was okay. The younger of the pair made it last longer, his hands sliding once more against Alexander's cheeks and holding his jaw, bringing them together with a new firmness between their lips. Their mouths were warm and the water was perfect, leaving him more comfortable with his feelings, and with everything else, than he had been in a long time.

"Are you good?" he asked quietly when they finally broke apart. "Would- do you want-" Was now the time to ask, to offer? He didn't know what Alex needed or what would help, or if he was already in a more stable headspace. "Do you want me to touch you?" He'd help him see that he was here for good.
 
Alex’s eyes widened with surprise and attention when Jason voiced his offer. This—this was something he wanted too? Alexander nodded initially before he then voiced his reply with a caveat, “If that happens I want it done right…” he paused to move his hands gently up to run his hands through Jason’s warmly wet hair before setting forth what he had in mind, “…I want to share a bed with you tonight. We wouldn’t go any further past what you are okay with, I promise. Do you want that?” Alex peered into Jason’s eyes searching for the truth behind his words. He didn’t want to be strung along if his brother would just pretend it never happened tomorrow, and he didn’t want to go past the bounds of what Jason could handle. Alexander really did love his brother more than anything else in the world, and he wanted to show Jason that he knew how to love kindly. Alex wanted to show his brother that he wouldn’t try to hurt him again like before.



Alexander ran his hands back and forth through Jason’s hair and along the curves of his neck in a subtle petting motion on either side of his face, as he patiently awaited his answer while he calmly but happily smiled to his brother while he awaited a reply. The faint hope Alex now had that maybe they could have something good together made him feel elated. He would give Jason all the time he would need if it meant a chance at a future with one another.
 
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