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We Shouldn’t (SadBoy and Horus)

Alexander felt sick to his stomach at hearing Jason's reasoning - he needed his little brother to know unequivocally that what he did wasn't okay. There was no excusing his behavior even factoring in the possibility of mental illness, and he didn't want Jason going into a relationship thinking this was acceptable under any circumstances. The elder brother held Jason's face in his hands while looking him in the eyes and speaking firmly, "Stop trying to make excuses for me. I love you, Jason, and I can't have you trying to rationalize this - it's not good for you. What I did was fucked."

Alexander let go of Jason to kneel beside him before speaking in a shuddering whisper, "Let's go to bed, hon. I'm not going to fuck you— I just— I think we need to relax a bit." Alexander scooped up Jason into a bridal carry before walking out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom where this nightmare began. The elder brother sat Jason down on the bed before laying beside him and turning Jason so they were laying on their sides facing one another. Alexander pulled Jason close into a hug while his left hand caressed Jason's side and his right hand pet through his brother's hair. Alexander looked into Jason's eyes with tears in his own, as he spoke with words drenched in sorrow, "I love you so much, Jason. I'm sorry."
 
Tired and limp, he was easy to pick up. Jason didn’t protest. He also forgot about the razor, leaving it on the bathroom floor. Only once they were in bed together did he say anything, his eyes sad but glazed over with medicated lethargy. He leaned their heads together and looked down, hands comfortably placed under the blanket and one under the pillow to fall asleep. He’d probably sleep until the evening.

“But…I don’t want you to die…” He was still upset, angry and full of vitriol- sort of- but Alex was still all he had. Once his meds wore off he would be able to express a bit more, but he’d also done plenty of it already, and at the forefront of his mind was just how alone they really were, and how fucked up everything was. It didn’t matter what Alex decided to do or not do to him- he was still all that Jason had.
 
Alexander wrapped his arms around his brother in a warm embrace while he ignored his throbbing manhood below. Nothing good had come out of trying to satisfy his sex drive today, and he had no interest in entertaining such a notion when it had done so much harm to Jason. Despite his brother's wishes Alexander still felt a suicidal level of guilt, but he did his best to ignore it while he tried to find comfort in his brother's company. Alexander kissed Jason gently on the lips before speaking in a near-whisper, "I love you."

The older brother closed his eyes, as he leaned his forehead to press against Jason's forehead and fell asleep from exhaustion. He would mutter indistinctly in his sleep with a strained look of pain on his face as his nightmares replaying the day's events came to haunt him, but he too would sleep well into the evening with Jason in his arms unless otherwise stirred.
 
Unease made his belly churn, caused by the turgid heat of a hard cock. One he’d tasted. One that he’d felt at his core, now. His wants and needs and exhaustion overpowered it. Jason pushed in just as close and eventually fell asleep, meds knocking him out hard. Too hard for any of Alex’s mumblings to wake him up. When he did finally stir, Jason’s body ached anew. He needed more pills for the swelling, an uncomfortable throbbing behind his ears and between his legs, a mix of a headache and a body ache.

Jason rolled over blindly and groaned, feeling for his water bottle. It wasn’t his room, so he ended up almost knocking over one of the plates of cold hamburger. That same floundering hand rubbed his face and pinched at the bridge of his nose as he made sounds of discomfort, legs untangling from his brother and coming to the edge of the bed.
 
Alexander stirred and awoke with a groan when Jason pulled away from him, and he had to take a few seconds to gather his bearings and remember the day that had elapsed. His own head hurt slightly from the mild case of alcohol poisoning he had given himself earlier, but he paid the pain no mind as he inched over to Jason's side of the bed and sat up behind him. Even sitting down he towered ever so slightly over Jason, and his hands went to massage Jason's shoulders and neck before he leaned in close to his younger brother. Alexander's stomach churned from guilt and anxiety, as a million questions arose in his mind; How would his brother feel about him after what he had done? Did he want him to leave? Should he leave?

These questions and many more made a weight form in his gut that made him feel like his stomach was knotted, and his heart started to race with the rising anxiety he felt in his body. Alexander's voice was meek and fearful of how his brother would respond, as he asked Jason a simple question that was by far the tamest one in his mind, "Can I hold you?"
 
The Xanax usually stayed in his system for quite awhile, especially because he didn’t have to take it often. He was awake, but sluggish and so very calm. When his brother touched him, he flinched.

“I hurt…” was his answer. With a sigh and a wince, and his hand on the nightstand, Jason got himself up. His legs hurt, his head hurt, his stomach hurt. He should have eaten before taking his pill. He felt like he’d throw up.

He was gone for ten, fifteen minutes, limping to the kitchen to find a quick snack of a granola bar or a banana, and then he was able to take the next round of anti-inflammatories. If Alex didn’t get up by then, Jason did return to his big brother’s room, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

It’d feel good to be held.
 
When Jason walked away Alexander could only lay down with his head in his hands, as he thought about what he had done and what he could ever possibly do to heal some of the damage he had already done. Part of him wondered if perhaps he was dragging his brother down to his level with how forceful and aggressive he had been in his seduction of Jason. He wondered if Jason was just dependent on his presence, and he didn't actually love him. How could his brother love him after what he done?

When Jason walked back to the edge of the bed Alexander sat up behind Jason and cautiously put his arms around his brother in a hesitant embrace. He voice was as soft as the whistling wind when he spoke to Jason, "Is there anything you want me to get you? I can get cleaned and go to the store if you need anything."
 
With Alex’s arms around him, Jason fell like a sack of bricks, fwumping into the blankets while wrapped up in his brother’s embrace. He was facing the other way, finding comfort both in their touching and in not having to meet his eyes.

He shook his head. “I’m just…tired. I took stuff to make it feel better, so it won’t hurt. I’m just tired…” he could fall asleep again so easily. It was easy to hide in the blankets that way, too- not having to acknowledge anything or figure shit out.
 
Alexander spoke in reply while he slipped neatly under the blankets with Jason to wrap them both under its comfortable warmth, "Okay. Just tell me if you want me to go get you anything or…if you want me to just go away in general." The elder brother pulled Jason closer, and he snuggled to press his chest against Jason's back and his face into Jason's hair. He breathed deeply to take in the wonderful scent of his brother among all the other scents in the room that threatened to make him feel ill. This small comfort did little to quell the anxiety he felt internally, but it did make him feel ever so slightly more comfortable even if he couldn't bring himself to fully relax. How could he relax when last he had dropped his guard and let his emotions take over it had ended so disastrously for the both of them?

It still sickened Alex to his core that he had been so absentmindedly lustful that he would ever hurt anyone in such a manner as he had been hurt let alone having hurt his own brother. Alexander had never been so overcome by feelings like he felt when he was with Jason, and it baffled him that he could be so at a loss for his own self-control that he would put Jason through so much pain. What made Alexander's stomach churn with guilt even more was when he could feel his dick go hard again against the back of Jason's thighs even despite how ashamed he felt, but he supposed it made sense. He had never actually climaxed earlier, and his body was almost certainly just as frustrated as he was though for far different reasons.

Alexander heaved a heavy sigh, as he leaned over and kissed affectionately along Jason's neck before resting his cheek back into his hair and speaking softly, "Would you be okay with being on hold when it comes to sexy times for a bit until I get my headspace sorted out?"
 
Hold off on 'sexy times'? It came out so tactlessly. Of course he wanted to abstain, he'd just been sexually assaulted. Jason cringed and held a grimace as he answered, "Jesus Christ, of course, yeah. That's…fine, it's fine." He held off on adding anything about
Alex raping him again and just released an unsteady exhale.

Maybe some time far in the future he'd be able to ask Alex if he wanted to elaborate on his own assault, but it wouldn't be now, and probably nowhere soon. The brotherly part, and the boyfriend part, everything that cared, wanted to help his brother voice those things, but the traumatized, angry part understandably couldn't even begin to fathom it with anything other than disdain.

Something sour tried to sprout in the wrinkles of his brain, a cruel 'maybe fate, god, whatever, whoever, knows you were gonna do this, and paid you back before it could even happen. And you still did it anyway, after feeling it yourself.'

He curled tighter, knees to chest (drawing away from the nudge of a dick) and enjoying the calm of his meds. "I don't think I'll ask you to leave. It's worse alone."
 
Alexander nodded and nuzzled Jason's hair with his face as he spoke shakily, "Okay, but if I ever even come close to doing something like that again I'm leaving - I won't come back. I can't do something like that again. I just can't— I won't hurt you again." The elder brother felt tears begin to run down his cheeks and into his brother's hair, and all he felt in that moment was disgust and self-loathing. He couldn't fathom how could he be so self-sorry when his brother was the one who was really hurt. He didn't deserve Jason, and Alexander didn't know why he was so broken now in a way that had never shown its face before. He really had never come even remotely near hurting anyone in the way he had been hurt before now, and the fact that he knew he was capable of that kind of harm now made him feel sick and like his heart would rend from his chest with how much physical pain he felt there.

Alexander pulled away from his brother and rolled over to hide his quietly crying face that was in his hands once more. He didn't want Jason to see or hear him like this when it was clear he had enough pain of his own to worry about, and yet he didn't have the strength to just leave the room (or perhaps the house) to be miserable elsewhere. He couldn't leave Jason.
 
He was so drained of it all. Feeling the shake of his brother crying against their shared bed just sparked more of it, of that…irritation? Why was Alex even still here if he was so upset? Jason just wanted to yell at him to go to the goddamn doctor and get fixed already, as if it were that easy. What happened to them being happy together?

If things continued this way, their parents would come home to one son dead by suicide and the other an empty shell, if not having run away by then. Jason dragged himself back to sitting up and stood stiff and uncomfortable on his wobbling legs, feeling a deep ache in his guts when he beared his own weight.
 
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