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We Shouldn’t (SadBoy and Horus)

Eyes wide, Jason blinked and sputtered a laugh against his brother’s shushing finger, giggling and shimmying his shoulders when the older boy mounted on top of him again, little brother wriggling back into the bedsheets to be cozy as he basked in Alexander’s attention.

“It’s a finger or two in my ass, not your big, beautifully fat dick- so yes, I’m serious. I can handle that. I’ve done it on my own,” he told him with a croon, gently taking a hold of the lubricant and squirting some of it into his brother’s palm, free hand lifting one of his legs at the knee to flash a peek at the soft pink of his hole.

The muscle clenched in a pucker, and he rubbed himself against the hefty cock resting against him, feeling the throb of both of their cocks together. Fuck. He gasped softly and met warm, familiar eyes, face already one of pleasure. “Need help figuring out what to do?” It was a tease, but there was no smirk, only awe and anticipation.
 
Alexander nodded enthusiastically before leaning over, as he applied the lubricant to his right hand's fingers idly while reaching up with his left hand to hold the back of Jason's head. Alexander had never been one for patient entry on even the best of days, and he was so intensely excited now that he could hardly wait. His right middle and index fingers pressed against Jason's hole before moving in small circles to lube up the entranceway, and then he pulled Jason in for a kiss with his left hand while he moved his right hand's fingers inside of Jason. Alexander briefly broke the kiss briefly to speak in a breathy whisper, as his fingers stretched and explored deep inside of Jason's ass, "I want you so fucking bad, Jason. You're so perfectly handsome - I wanna make you cum so hard that the neighbors can hear you scream." His cock was sliding against his brother's own cock with slick thrusts against him, and the hunger Alexander felt for Jason threatened to completely overtake him.

Alexander leaned in to kiss his brother on the lips again before letting his kisses migrate down to his neck, chest, and finally his nipples. He took Jason's left nipple into his mouth to began greedily teasing on it with bites of the tips of his teeth while his tongue moved in smile circles around it, as he continued to move his hips to rub his cock against his brother while his right hand's fingers moved deeper inside of Jason to stir him from within.
 
The lube was cold and it made him shiver, as if he wasn’t already a shaky mess in his brother’s hands. Jason moaned softly, crooning, as slick fingers breached him, his toes curling and hips rocking forward. He didn’t respond, not verbally, but his kisses were sloppy and his lips hung open perpetually, panting like a dog in heat.

The more Alex thrust, the hotter he became, and the tips of his fingers and toes warmed up, numb and tingling, while the same heat built up in his groin. “There— yeah, yeah, right there-“ raspy and wanton, the teen groaned for him and his sounds went higher when those teeth went lower, pinching at him while still painting his nipples with hot strokes of tongue. Jason cried out in a frustrated noise and bucked his hips down, grinding himself against the older’s knuckles. Both of his hands clutched to Alex at his biceps, body pulling him in with hot, smooth flesh, every pulse of his cock making his balls clench and his muscles squeeze.

The silken massage against Alex’s fingers became more desperate and tandem with the boy’s grinding, whole body pulsing and wet and wanting for him. Pushing his face into his brother’s hair, Jason moaned out one more sharp, strong sound as he came, insides grasping greedily at exploring digits with the possessive, snug fit of a tightened vice.
 
Alexander's fingers moved to stretch against the clenching he felt inside of his brother, and he moved his lips back up to nibble and tease at Jason's neck before move it farther up to kiss him with great fervor. His grinding was more heated and needy now, as he broke a string of messy kisses to look Jason in the eyes with a desperate desire as he spoke, "Jason, please—I want to move inside of you. I want to show you how much I need you." His left hand moved to pet the back of his neck while he leaned down to kiss gently along his throat while he whispered to him, "Please…"

Alexander could feel an aching pain build in his chest to the point where he felt like he would explode at any moment if he didn't get the release he wanted. His eyes were glassy in a way that shone the green brightly in his eyes, as his breaths were heavy and hot against his brother's neck. He was barely containing himself from pouncing on Jason with ravenous intent, but he could only hold back for so long.
 
His orgasm left him fuzzy-brained, groaning and grumbling, “You’re already inside’a me…” and moving. The mess he’d made on his own stomach warmed the skin it was sprayed across, Jason touchy-feely with legs and arms alike. His thighs stretched out, one on either of Alexander’s hips, while fingers ran through dark hair.

“It’s too big, c’mon, jus’ get off with me like normal,” he told him with a messy grind, palm pushing that big dick against his own and stroking it, too; Trying to help him feel good within Jason’s comfort level. “Like how you’d normally do…” but with the warm body of a pretty little brother beneath him. Jason was so happy this was their new normal, a hum in his throat while his spent prick began to soften.
 
Alexander bit so hard on his bottom lip with frustration that it nearly started to bleed, as he felt the tension and need in his body rise to unbearable levels of aching hunger. His heart was pounding in his chest, as he really tried his best to fight his instincts before eventually finally giving in. He needed to be inside of Jason, and he couldn't bear to wait anymore. He figured his brother could handle it - he was a big boy now. Alexander spoke softly to Jason with that same need in his eyes, "I love you."

Alexander leaned in to kiss his brother on the lips while he moved his right hand to pull his fingers out, and his left hand moved to tightly hold the back of Jason's neck. His tongue moved inside of Jason's mouth to more deeply kiss him as a subliminal distraction while his right hand moved subtly to pull his hard cock away from Jason's hand and into the space between his thighs again, but this time he leaned further in with his hips until he felt his tip pressed against his brother's hole already slick with lube. He hesitated for only a moment before pressing his massive length inside of Jason's tight ass with a breathy gasp that arose from his lips before he began pushing as deep as he could manage inside of Jason. He felt a wave of instant relief of the tension in his chest, as he began pushing deeper inside of Jason with a smile on his face while messily kissing him in an almost drunken daze.
 
He whimpered at the feeling of his body becoming empty once more, the heat of another man’s flesh on him, inside of him, being craved by him. Pink and puckering muscle quivered and clenched, squeezing on nothing and wishing for something to bear down on and embrace.

He thought, as he felt that retraction, and the movement of Alexander’s cock, that he was simply jerking himself off; or, when he felt slick flesh side against taint, maybe Alex was teasing himself, or exploring. What he didn’t think was that Alex would spear him, run him through on that lengthy prick, breaking open his brother in a way nobody had.

Jason froze. His tongue, his lips, his voice, all of it stopped mid-kiss, and his hands curled, nails biting flesh. Hips gave a stutter, as if he tried to pull back. He did, sort of. He was too stunned and hurting to try more. There was discomfort and then there was pain. Then there was breaking.

The discomfort was from the nudging of that cock-tip, the easing of it against his hole until the flesh dimpled inward and breached. The pain was from the stretch, and how parts of him had never had to open so wide before.

The breaking was him, his mouth hanging, drooling, open, as he was suddenly raped by his brother. There was no ‘stop!’, only a guttural, cut noise, carved out of him as if Alex’s hot, slick length had been a knife. Too much. It was too much. His hips jerked again and his hands tried to push against bare chest, eyes burning and wide open.

He’d said no. He’d said no. He’d said no

…right?

A choked hiss of air sounded as his throat clenched, body spasming tight and wet around Alexander. Everything quivered from the effort it took to take him, and a clammy sweat had broken out on the younger brother. His lungs felt like they’d seized.
 
Alexander leaned his face to bury into the side of his brother's neck, as he began slowly moving in a rhythm inside of Jason with tears of joy falling from his own face and his mouth hanging open in ecstasy. He couldn't see his brother's face; the pain, the fear, the betrayal in his brother's expression was lost on him as he kissed his brother's neck lovingly between loud moans that came from his lips and his throat. If he could see how much pain Jason in it might have triggered his protective, nurturing instinct, and he might have immediately snapped out of it and stopped in a blur of panicked apologies if he had.

Instead he only pushed that much deeper inside of Jason while voicing his love and appreciation between moist kisses along his brother's neck, "Oh fuck, Jason! — you feel so good. It's like you’re hugging me tight with your ass. I love you so fucking much — you're the best."
 
He thought he was all the way in already, but more of him came, kept coming, choking a struggled sound out of Jason- it was wet and garbled, as if someone where clenching a fist around his throat.

The lube and Alexander’s excitement kept flesh free if broken skin and any sign of blood, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t get swollen, the poor muscle forced to take so much. Tears were pouring down his face once his brother began to move, only noticed from the plip, plip of them hitting his chest and the cold of them running down his neck.

Shaken and still shaking, Jason stopped trying. He didn’t hold on and he didn’t push off, seemingly stuck to the mattress. More noise pushed out of him with every thrust or so, sounding less like the whorish sound of him when he’d been fingered and far more fitting of the tight grimace pinching all the features of his face right now.

“Mngh—“ a grunt, and another, and then a weak whine. Alex was big and it hurt, he didn’t want it, but that manhood still put pressure, and lots of it, on his prostate, making the boy’s smaller prick ache to the balls.

“I- I-“ the poor thing rasped, barely audible, “said, I said n-not to…”
 
Alexander couldn't hear Jason anymore over his own pleasure, and the full ringing he could hear in his ears from the sudden differential of blood pressure shifting to his head. His head was buzzing with a mix of feel-good hormones that sent wave after wave of electric pleasure throughout his body. Jason's body was such an amazingly tight fit for him - he figured he really was a virgin after all. He thought previously that Jason might have been lying for fear of judgment, but he could tell now that nothing of more than modest size had ever entered Jason. The feeling of taking Jason's virginity sent a thrill up his spine and put a wide smile on his face, as he closed his eyes to savor the sensations of his brother's body opening to accommodate him.

His thrusting had been slow at first but grew with greater sliding friction with every movement of his hips until he felt a sudden and unexpected pulling of a cramp in his legs that halted his movement for a second before he recalculated and came up with a different strategy. His hands now moved down to hold Jason's ass and back before Alexander leaned back and repositioned himself into a sitting position with Jason in his lap and Alex's cock firmly planted inside of his little brother. Alexander shuddered with intense ecstasy, as his hands moved down to firmly clasp Jason's ass and guide him up and down along his length. He whispered through breathy pants into his brother ear, "I love you, Jason."

Alexander continued to guide Jason along his length with his eyes firmly shut to appreciate every moment of their time together, as he leaned his head back to passionately kiss Jason on the mouth with his tongue swirling to meet his brother's.
 
Muffled grunts hid in his brother’s shoulder where Jason tried to reason through the heated pulses of discomfort and violation. And the thrum of pleasure. That part was sickening, making his head spin- was he being raped? Was Alex actually assaulting him? It hurt, and Jason was pretty sure he didn’t, and hadn’t, wanted this, but everything out of his brother’s mouth was so sweet. He cried and whimpered, storm of guilt, shame and disgust in his belly as Alex fucked him, his body getting hotter and hotter.

Clinging and confused, Jason moaned when their bodies shifted and he found himself being lifted, put down, lifted again, hips smacking into his backside as Alex did it all so easily, as if he were a toy. The boy’s legs crossed around his brother’s waist, ankles crossed behind Alex’s ass.

Sure, Alex had almost…hurt him, he’d almost done something earlier, but things were fine, they were good, this wasn’t- Alex couldn’t be raping him. It hurt but Alex loved him and he was saying all these loving things. None of it made sense.

He just wanted it to be over. His dick thronged, pulses of arousal that he didn’t consent to not want to acknowledge. Emotions, pain and turmoil couldn’t even keep him from being stiff. It made it all the more confusing, and Jason sniffled, tears smearing across his big brother’s collar bone. He wanted to ask him to pull out but his tongue wouldn’t work.
 
It would take Alexander a few moments of pleasure between smacks of Jason's ass against his hips before Alexander would notice the wet feeling of his brother's tears on his body with some confusion, and he pulled back away from his brother's face to open his eyes and see the tears streaming down his brother's face. Alexander looked confused at first with his head still buzzing with a storm of endorphins, as Alexander took a second to pause and assess the situation - thinking that he was just being too fast for his brother in the haze of his own bliss for but a few brief moments. The elder brother studied Jason's eyes before confusion shifted to sickening realization and then fearful recognition in his own eyes. Alexander realized what he had done.

Alexander's motions mercifully ceased immediately, as his pleasure came to an abrupt, screeching halt to be replaced by disgust, self-loathing, and panic. Tears streamed down his own face again, but these tears were of pain and instant remorse.

Alexander hesitated for a long few seconds and gulped down nervously, as the pit of anxiety in his stomach made him feel like he was going to be sick. What the fuck did he just do? Alexander spoke shaking with fear and choking down the remorse he felt now, "Oh god, J—Jason, I didn't—" Alexander stopped before he spoke a lie. He certainly had meant to do it. Two days in a row now.

Alexander abruptly pulled his entire length out of Jason before suddenly pushing him off his lap and standing up from the bed with his hands pulling at his own hair, as he spoke aloud the only thing playing through his thoughts in that moment in a choked whisper, "What the fuck is wrong with me? What did I do?" He needed to get away. He was going to be sick with the anxiety he felt. He didn't want Jason to try and comfort him out of some misplaced sense of nurture; he knew he didn't deserve whatever forgiveness Jason could offer him.

Alexander turned his heel and briskly stumbled through the house and to the bathroom, locking the door behind him as he went. His back rested against the door before he slid down to the floor sobbing with his head in his hands. “What the fuck did I just do?!”
 
It was so very himself to try and mitigate, comfort, care- anything, and yet Jason couldn’t. Not now. He was in pain and in shock, eyes wide but seeing very little even as his brother dropped him back to the bed, left him empty, and ran away again. There were so many things he could have done. So many. So much Jason could have said.

Panting and with tears still running down his face, Jason stared off into middle distance. He could hear Alex sobbing, but he feel much of anything; no urgent need to make the older’s hurt go away. Instead, he wanted to curl up. Curl up and fall asleep and pretend he hadn’t been…what, fucked? That’s what it was. There had been love there and then Alex had done it again. He’d gone too far. Way too far. The younger still felt himself grasping, gaping. This wasn’t how his first time was supposed to be.

It took a long few minutes before he could remember how to walk. Naked, Jason drew himself to the edge of the bed and let his feet touch the floor. Bearing weight on them made him wince.

He didn’t want to listen to Alex sobbing anymore. If he though too hard about it, paid too much attention, he was going to get angry. Upset. Hysterical.

Limping, he grabbed up his phone and hobbled down the hall while lube ran down his legs and a hollow ache echoed in his belly, cold after being burned by such excited, hot flesh.

He contemplated texting someone to pick him up, but that would require getting dressed. In his own room- and with the door not just locked, but with a chair in front of it- he finally turned out the light. It was still daytime but he wanted it as dark and alone as possible, trying to get his brain turned off.

Jason eventually just succumbed to taking a Xanax and curling up, waiting for the foggy, medicated state to kick in while Tylenol and Motrin did their work against what would be a real angry, swollen entrance. His backside felt like one big bruise. He didn’t want to feel it. He didn’t want to feel anything.
 
Alexander could distantly hear his brother limp down the hall, and it did very little to ease the queasiness he felt inside his stomach. Alexander had to rush over to the toilet, as the anxiety got to be too much for him and he started heaving and retching between pained sobs until he finished and collapsed in a sweating heap in front of the toilet. He had fucked up, and he had done so in a way he knew he could never meaningfully repair. He wanted to die.

His mind wandered back to the last time he had had a mental breakdown the day before, and his eyes had looked at the straight razor in his drug cabinet before he had collapsed sobbing in the shower. His eyes looked up towards that cabinet now from his supine state on the floor, and his sobbing paused for a time. He couldn't repair what he had done, but he figured there was at least a couple of ways he could stop himself from ever hurting his brother again. Maybe…

Alexander turned his eyes vacantly towards the floor. He figured that Jason probably wouldn't even miss him. How could he after what Alex had done? Alexander didn't feel sick anymore; he just felt empty, hopeless. He had hurt the only person he had ever really cared about in a way he could never fix. Jason would never be able to trust him again, and Alexander's mind's eye was seeing his hopes and aspirations for a life with Jason crumble bitterly into ash because he didn't control himself. Because he was so fucking stupid. He couldn't hide from what he had done even though he couldn't fathom why he had done it. Alexander had never raped anybody before nor had he ever even come close to doing so, but for some reason he couldn't keep his fucking hands to himself with Jason. He couldn't just fucking stop. Alexander slowly got up from his state on the floor before flushing the toilet and unlocking the door to walk nakedly out of the bathroom with a ghostly paleness to his features. He stumbled clumsily to the kitchen to open the liquor cabinet, and he grabbed a twenty-ounce bottle of neat tequila before closing the cabinet and walking back to the bathroom. He needed something to numb his nerves.

Alexander walked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, but he absentmindedly forgot to lock the door behind him this time as he twisted off the top of the tequila and began to chug it straight. He turned on the shower again before walking back to the sink and finishing the whole of the bottle before setting it on the counter. His throat felt like it was on fire, and he threatened to throw up again for a second before breathing deep to settle his gut. His heart was beating out of his chest, and his skin was slick with cold sweat. What he wouldn't do for one of Jason's Xanax right now. He sighed, as he avoided his own gaze in the mirror while he opened up the medicine cabinet to grab a few Benadryl and his straight razor. He popped the four antihistamines and walked back to the shower before letting the cold water flow over his body, as he sat down with the Razor in his hands. He closed his eyes, as he dozed off in a sleep wrought by fatigue and emotional exhaustion. He resolved that if he still felt like this was the best plan when he woke up that he would go through with it, though he thought maybe he would grab Jason's prescription and take the bottle of that on top of whatever else he did.
 
His body usually took about twenty or thirty minutes to begin to feel the effects, meaning he still had plenty of time between now and some kind of obliviousness. He couldn't fall asleep. He couldn't do anything but listen, and told himself while he listened. Eventually he heard his brother's vomiting sounds stop.

At least he felt sick. Good. He deserved it, he thought, feeling some kind of vindication from hearing the older's emotional repercussions. As for himself, he didn't know what he was feeling besides an icy stillness, a hollowness beneath his navel.

Without the peace of medication, he worried. He knew his brother had self harmed in the past, and the last thing he wanted was him in another drunken and self-loathing stupor.

But he didn't want to be with him, either.

Jason didn't want to do anything. Certainly anything having to do with his brother. He didn't want to be worried about him, christ, being worried about him after what just happened had him feeling like he had to throw up, too.

He pulled himself into a sit and then grimaced as he pulled himself up to his feet, again. Panic surged the more he thought about it. It burned his body and made his chest feel tight, teeth gritting and grinding against an agonized sob.

What if he passed out in the shower and died? What if he drank too much and choked to death on his vomit? What if he got alcohol poisoning? What if he did something else?

He pushed into the bathroom and saw nothing at first, then the shape of his brother through the shower curtain. "Go to bed-" he choked out the words, sniffling hard. His voice was hoarse. His weight was uncomfortably supported by the doorframe. I can't do this. I can't do this.

"You can't…do this, go to bed." He didn't get to be sick.
 
It was with a bit of a start that he woke up to Jason's voice even over the patter of water over his body. He slowly stood up with the razor in his right hand, as he pulled aside the curtain to see his brother even through the tears that formed again in his own eyes. He grimaced and looked away from Jason and down to the floor with shame before walking out of the shower with tears streaming down his face, as he felt the effects of the alcohol making him stumble slightly with each step. It was with some slurring to his voice that he began to speak in a voice that sounded almost broken in quality, "Get— get away from me, Jason." He didn't want to be around his brother anymore - he didn't want to end up hurting him again.

Alexander slipped from slick wetness of his feet and the clumsiness the alcohol poisoned him with, and he fell forward face first onto the tile floor as his straight razor skidded across the ground to the doorway where Jason stood. Alexander didn't even groan from the pain or move to get up - he just lay there sobbing as he felt his chest tighten with anxiety and anguish. He didn't know how Jason could worry about him after what he had done. Alexander just wanted to disappear. Alexander spoke the same words again in a choked whisper with his cheek against the tile floor, "G—get away from me…"
 
“I’m trying!” He told him firmly, chest still uncomfortably tight. The sound of wet metal on tile, the sharp noise of it- he recoiled from Alex’s pathetic form and scooped the razor up off of the floor, his voice raised and hysteric from anger, hurt, fear, everything- “This?! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to do this!” His hand shook. “You don’t get to do this, or this,” the razor, the empty bottle in the sink. He didn’t trust himself to pick it up without it ending up shattering on the floor.

“You don’t get to do this! You can’t, c-can’t keep- fuck!” Jason shouted out in a sob, holding himself with one arm around his midsection.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re fucked in the head, you’re fucked up, Alex!” Jason couldn’t help it and it felt so good to get it off of his chest- it made him hurry, afraid of bottling things up once he more or less shut down from his meds. “And you don’t get to keep running away, either! Get the fuck up and go to bed, or go to a doctor, th-therapist-“ the last word hiccuped in his throat and he slipped, sliding down to the floor with his legs collapsed and awkward beneath him.

“Go see somebody! Get the fuck— fuck- ff-fuck you, god, fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you!” He didn’t know what else to say, rage and helplessness both boiling hot in his chest. Big, wet eyes could hardly focus and he didn’t think he could bear to look at him, but he did, fixing Alex with a broken expression and a disgusted, wounded glare.

“You don’t get to sit in here and cry. Nobody hurt you. Get…” he pushed his arm across his nose with a sniffle, dropping his eyes to the floor. I want you to get out of the house. Jason was at a loss, and the words never finished coming out. He just stared emptily at the floor.
 
Hearing his brother's words strangely calmed him down somewhat. Jason wasn't wrong, and it was clear to Alex that he wouldn't forgive him for what he did. Alexander stopped crying, and he brought himself to a sitting position before scooting forward to be beside his brother with his back to the wall. He needed to tell Jason what was going on in his head - more for his own sake, but he hoped his brother would find some understanding if nothing else.

Alex took a deep breath and spoke after a heavy sigh, "I'm gonna see a therapist or maybe a psychiatrist. I never thought I needed one until yesterday, and I…" Alexander closed his eyes and paused to breathe before speaking again, "…I've never done anything like this to anyone - let alone you. I think I've been holding back with you for so long that I just didn't know when to stop when you were within reach. I didn't mean to hurt you, and when I saw the tears in your eyes I realized what I did, and I…" a tear fell down Alexander's cheek as he spoke with a crack in his voice, "…I wanted to die."

He turned his head away from Jason, as he shifted away from him to lean against the corner of the bathroom. He didn't trust himself to be within Jason's reach. Alexander spoke absently with a slur in his voice, as he closed his eyes and tried to cover his head with his hands, "I don't know how I could ever do this. You would think after being raped that I would stop when I should, but—" Alexander froze a little bit when he realized what he said out loud - he had never told anyone about when he had been raped, and the fact it had slipped out just now jolted him up and made an anxious pit form in his chest. He didn't want anyone to know about what happened to him, and he especially didn't want pity from Jason at a time like this. The older brother banged the back of his head against the wall and spoke with venom and anger in his voice, "I'm so fucking stupid."
 
Jason felt like he’d just been slapped, hearing his brother admit that he’d been assaulted. He was finally settling down now, and he didn’t mind just letting his drunk brother talk out his feelings; it wasn’t like it could make it any worse (and he wasn’t listening very closely anyways). But about being assaulted?

He slowly turned his head to look at him, aghast and incredulous. Appalled. Anger and everything else remained furrowed on his brow, too, as he glared, asking coldly, “When?” The boy looked as if he’d tasted something bitter.

Regardless of the answer given, he was quick to bite back. “You should be past processing that by now; You should have handled it like the adult that you are and gone to see someone, a professional, you- you can’t just bring that to me after what you did! What do you want me to say?! How am I supposed to respond? Do you want me to care? Do you want me to hold you?! I can hardly bear to look at you right now, and you forced yourself on me twice- twice!” So much for calming down. As he talked, his hands moved wildly, expressing even more of what he was feeling. Chaotic. All of it was chaotic.

“It doesn’t give you a pass! It doesn’t give you anything! No excuse, no reasoning- nothing! At this point, at the- after you hurt someone else, there’s no room for someone to be sorry for you! You’re the bad guy now- you’re a rapist! You raped me.” Jason spat the words out, his chest heaving by the end of it and his eyes bright, wild.
 
Alexander turned slowly to look at his brother with a blank expression of melancholy on his face, as he listened to his brother vent his own emotional turmoil that he had caused. What could he say other than 'I'm sorry'? What could he do besides what he had planned to do in the first place. Alexander spoke in a tone just above a whisper as he replied to his brother, "I know that, Jason…" the thought of just taking his razor back from his brother and pushing Jason out of the room to split his wrists open crossed his mind, but he figured he had probably put his little brother through enough tonight.

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his left hand, as he sighed before speaking an explanation, "I didn't mean to tell you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell anyone - not after…" he shook his head and leaned back against the wall while letting his hand fall back to his side. Alexander sounded tired now, as he spoke up again while looking up at the ceiling to avoid Jason's eyes, "It doesn't matter. Just go back to bed - you won't ever see or hear from me again, I promise."
 
His head felt like it was spinning, thoughts stuck on a ceaseless hamster wheel. They'd just been talking about having their own place and dating in earnest. How did that come to this? How did a person screw up their life- and someone else's- that badly? Jason didn't understand. He didn't get it. None of it made any sense and every second that passed had him feeling less and less like he knew his brother.

Who was Alex? Why was he so fucked up?

With no energy to walk out to the trash can outside, he curled his fingers around the razor and figured he'd hide it until he felt good enough to walk outside. Whenever that would be. It was strange, hurting from…that. Part of him reasoned that it wasn't so bad. That he'd fingered himself before and should be able to stand just fine. The other half of him was in shock with that reasoning.

His heart lurched at what Alex said. So then he'd be alone. He'd be left all alone and he wouldn't have anyone.

Sure, they were dysfunctional before, brothers shouldn't feel the way they did and they shouldn't have been so close. But this? He was disgusted with himself for feeling so desperately in need of his company. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to live alone. Their parents would be gone for months. The more he thought about it, the worse it got- the scarier and more irrational he got.

If they calmed down…and stayed together, maybe he'd just get better at being a partner for Alex. Maybe he'd learn how to just say yes, even if it hurt, and then they'd both be happy. Alex isn't a rapist. Alex wouldn't do that. And then Jason wouldn't be alone. He felt fucking insane as he sat there on the floor but he had no other options- or rather, he was overwhelmed by all of the choices that could be made and by all of the outcomes that could come from this, and it scared him into stillness.

"I can't stop thinking about what it would have been like if you had kept going." He'd be laying there covered in sweat and with an abused body, stained on the inside by taking a load that he'd dreamed about. Just not like this. "You held me like a toy…" Jason whispered, hand over his mouth.
 
Alexander looked to his brother with worry and confusion on his face. He could tell that something new was amiss with his brother that went beyond what had happened. What was happening to Jason? The thought arose that his brother might be having thoughts of suicide like he felt, and that idea scared the shit out of him.

As he finished listening to his brother speak he was even more puzzled and disoriented; why was his brother thinking about that part of what happened? Why was that the focus of his thoughts right now? Alexander moved his left hand to run his fingers through Jason's hair while he spoke with worry on his face and in his voice, "Why? What are you trying to tell me, Jason?" He scooted over and wrapped his arms around his brother instinctively, as he looked down to him and spoke further, "Look, I know you'll find someone who deserves such a perfect guy like you, okay? I don't know exactly what's going on in your head, but I'm sure you'll be okay. You were always a lot stronger than I ever was." His hand was still petting through Jason's hair, as the thought that this might be the last time he ever held Jason made his heart ache uncontrollably.

Much to his own discomfort and disgust Alexander could feel his cock stiffen and go hard in his lap. He pulled his arms back and looked away from Jason, as he felt a mixture of embarrassment and self-loathing with the way his body reacted to touching Jason.
 
He trembled when his brother touched him, body fighting between flinching and leaning into it. He needed comfort right now, he needed love. Alex was here. Alex could provide that for him. Nobody else could. Then, with how he talked about Jason finding someone else, the boy felt another sickening churn in his stomach. He didn’t think he could ever love someone so much. He’d never felt this way about anyone else.

As much as he wanted to shove away, he didn’t, his body collapsing into his brother’s with fresh volleys of tears. The Xanax finally seemed to be working since he wasn’t violently sobbing or getting hysterical again.

Forget it all. Forget what happened. Forget all of it. He had to in order to find comfort in what was happening right now, body and brain both beginning to numb, like static was overtaking him.

That’s when Alex got hard again. Of course it was. Jason felt utter revulsion but, under the meds, he could only sadly stare on in disappointment and detachment as the older boy pulled away, depriving Jason of the only source of comfort he had right now.

A hand reached out, feeling along Alexander’s thigh. “You should just finish what you started.” He told him quietly, eyes unable to meet his brother’s. “I can…I can be a good boyfriend, I can…I can handle it,”
 
Alexander looked back to Jason with a mix of worry and fear in his eyes. He could tell something wasn't quite right with his brother right now, and he didn't want to aggravate the damage that was already done. Alexander put his arms around Jason in a warm embrace before kissing him on the top of his head and speaking as calmly as he could manage, "No, it's okay, Jason. What I did was wrong - I'm sorry. I don't— I won't make that mistake again. I'd sooner pull my eyes out than hurt you again. I'll set up an appointment with a therapist tomorrow." He clearly needed a visit with a therapist or a doctor to try and see what was wrong with him - maybe they could provide insight that would help.

His left hand was petting through Jason's hair now, as he began to shudder with the holding back of sobs, "I'm so fucking sorry, Jason. I don't know what's wrong with me." Alexander couldn't help but relax into his brother's grasp, as he pulled Jason closer into a hug to feel his warmth. He needed that comfort just as badly as Jason did. He needed to feel loved.
 
“But you already did…” he said softly, of his brother making that same ‘mistake’. He didn’t understand. He didn’t get it. He didn’t want to lose Alex, but at the same time he knew that this couldn’t end well. It just couldn’t.

“Just, if it’s what you want…” mumbling in the embrace that his brother pulled him into, he winced a little. His body was sore and he could still feel the way he’d been stirred up inside, as well as how Alex had held onto him.

“You’re really messed up. I’m really…it’s all really messed up. What if this is just how it goes? You…were right, yknow, about giving me…a crash course. Maybe s’what I need. I just need to get over it,” he mused quietly. Get over how it hurt. Get over and get through it and then maybe they could have normal, loving sex. Somehow. He hugged Alex back, but with minimal strength. He was so tired. The house still smelled like burgers and his world felt so very upturned.
 
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