-This movie is annoyingly Glenn Yarbrough-less
-Love the dramatic opening music though
-OMG anyone remember that super old Nightwish song that samples the opening narration from this movie? Good times.
-They look like average height elf kings
-Silhouette Sauron is not particularly frightening. Just sayin'.
-Isildur's shadow is giving me Timothée Chalamet in The King vibes
-Now I want to cast Timothée Chalamet as Isildur
-Those aren't Ringwraiths, those are dudes on horses
-Lol wtf cartoon fish and human Deagol & Smeagol
-BOOO WE WANT THEODORE AS GOLLUM
-I bet I could recreate this whole opening sequence for like three dollars. Someone make me a YouTube channel and I'll get right on that.
-I don't like Silhouette!Bilbo
-I REALLY DON'T LIKE SILHOUETTE GOLLUM WTF WTF
-Aww that's a pretty still of The Shire
-I STILL DON'T KNOW HALF OF YOU HALF AS WELL AS I SHOULD LIKE AND I STILL LIKE LESS THAN HALF OF YOU HALF AS WELL AS YOU DESERVE
-lol proudfeet
-I love so much that we're just cutting to Bilbo and his baby mullet peacing out. We ain't got time for more scene setting.
-Gandalf's character design is weirdly smooth
-I swear to god this version of Bilbo has ADHD
-lol the screenwriters know we all know this story, they're just gonna skim the highlights of every scene and expect us to follow along
-Awwww Bilbo's pony
-At the way we're cruising through this movie I'm not surprised 17 years passed in 2.3 seconds
-Frodo's hella cute in this though. I wanna give him a cuddle.
-Omg that was a rapey face Gandalf wtf
-"You look older, Gandalf." RUDE, FRODO. RUDE.
-Oh damn the ring really is in a box on the mantle. Neat?
-HAHAHAHA Frodo's face when the ring goes in the fire omg Elijah Wood could never
-Gandalf has very dramatic pointing game
-I wanna know if the rotoscope models just decided on their own to turn the gestures up to 11 and the animators were just stuck painting over them, or if this nonsense was planned and intentional
-Damn we do got more gorgeous backgrounds still tho
-Samwise Gamgee following people around for no reason
-Oy Frodo your feet are going bald
-Gandalf hasn't closed his mouth or said a word in four minutes
-HEY FRODO, WATCH ME PULL A GARDNER OUTTA THIS BUSH!
-Sam's being
real touchy-feely there...
-Still never understood why they called him Aruman and not Saruman in this movie.
-Ooooh cameo shot of Tharbad! Noice.
-Damn Orthanc is scary as hell
-EVIL SANTA!
-His voice though lololol
-Ewwwww his nails are too long
-That's not many colors Saruman, that's pink
-Also wtf he calls himself Saruman, but Gandalf calls him Aruman?
-I also don't like how Gandalf pronounces it Saw-run
-Theeeeeere's the trippy drug background I remember from my youth
-Merry and Pippin are super cute too. Guess Sam's the only ugly hobbit lol. It makes sense that there's no Rosie Cotton in this movie.
-Ahhhh gorgeous fall scenery
-THE SCENE UNDER THE ROAD I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!
-I find the rotoscoped Nazgûl off-putting
-Also the horse's blue eyes are giving me serious White Walker vibes
-But omg Frodo's facial expressions are making me cackle
-Okay I do NOT like that moaning. Not nice.
-Everyone's feet are balding compared to that last movie.
-Awww I love the conspiracy unmasked bit. It meant a lot in the original books that Merry and Pippin came on the journey because they wanted to, not just because they got forced into it like in PJ's movies.
-Merry is best boi
-Still wish any of the movies would have done the bathtime song
-This version of Bree is absolutely NOT how I ever pictured it in my mind, but I'm kinda digging it?
-EW DO NOT LIKE THE ROTOSCOPED TAVERN PEOPLE WTF
-Aragorn where are your pants??
-NO MERRY DON'T GO OUT THERE!
-lol Butterbur's hat
-Not sure how I feel about the rotoscoped little people. Are they supposed to be hobbits?
-OOH there's a song for the post!
-I don't know why but Merry reminds me of Barney Rubble
-LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU MERRY!
-lol classic Nazgûl. Breathing on people to knock them out then walking away.
-omg Frodo is so drunk lololol
-*le poof*
-omg the drunk guy in the back
-Butterbur's gonna mess y'all up
-Eyyyy it's Strider!
-That voice does not match that face
-And yet another Pete Rose haircut
-Frodo is actually kinda tall? Weird.
-Strider that is a huge belt
-I mean let's be real Strider, you aren't that foul, but you are no Viggo Mortensen
-lol Strider's sick of Butterbur talking shit about him
-Sam needs some serious dental work done
-Oh come on, that sword is BARELY broken
-Again, I find the blue-eyed horses creepier than the red-eyed Nazgûl. Slightly.
-I don't remember if the stabbing the pillows thing was in the book. If it wasn't that means PJ directly ripped off this movie, and that makes me laugh.
-How weird is it though to see Nazgûl legs? Weird, right?
-Meanwhile Frodo's over here smiling at Aragorn like he wants...well, something.
-I love how the Nazgûl fuck up stabbing the hobbits and they're like "wellp, time to bail."
-BILL THE PONY
-This is the part where you'd expect Aragorn to talk about Arwen, except there is no Arwen in these movies. Girls are gross.
-Damn poor Frodo's just trying to lighten the mood, you don't have to yell at him Aragorn.
-Shoutout to Beren and Luthien! Although with no Arwen it doesn't mean that much.
-Oh I do NOT like the rotoscoped wigs
-I kind of like the rotoscoped Nazgûl superimposed on the painted background though.
-Oh no! When Frodo puts on the ring, the Nazgûl...look exactly the same
-Slooooo moooooo stabbbbbbbingggggg
-Oooh now I like the animated Aragorn superimposed on the painted photo background.
-This movie is neat. A hot mess visually, but neat.
-AHAHAHA more 80s sound effects.
-yeah GOOD JOB FRODO
-Well we don't have Glorfindel, we don't have Arwen, I guess that means the only person who can come for Frodo is GODDAMN YES I LOVE LEGOLAS IN THIS MOVIE
-ORLANDO BLOOM WISHES HE WAS THIS PRETTY
-I like their elvish accents
-The live action movies needed more puffy shirts
-omg Legolas looking at Sam like he stinks i'm dying
-jesus christ y'all are like 20 feet from the ford just GO ALREADY
-I love Legolas' horse just taking its sweet time, doing horse stuff
-Wait where's Bill the Pony??
-Also how come that Nazgûl's horse has red eyes? Is he the Witch King?
-Ahahahaha the Witch King has the power to make horses fall over
-and now the other Nazgûl can...fly? On their horses?
-Does one of them have a machine gun???
-Did y'all just hear a girl say 'Go back'? Girls don't really exist, do they?
-Frodo where tf you going, the river's over there
-Hi-ho Silver!
-The scene at the river always makes me think of the Looney Tunes bit about not crossing the line
-Well shit now all the horses have red eyes. That can't be good.
-Good thing the Ringwraiths all lined up in single file so the river could take them all out at once. That was nice of them.
-Mmmmm I don't like this Rivendell as much as the other Rivendells. Why does it look like a Tibetan monastery?
-I do NOT like that expression on Gandalf's face.
-Lol Gandalf's such a judgy bitch. But he has a certain flair when it comes to turning a river into horses.
-"How come you didn't ask me about MY trouble Frodo, huh? HUH?"
-Oh NOW it's Saruman. Just gonna pretend you didn't call him Aruman before, huh?
-....why does no one in Rivendell besides Bilbo have a face
-lol slowest hug ever
-Grabby Bilbo gonna grab. At least he doesn't have a spooky puppet face this time.
-Why is Elrond cosplaying Julius Caesar?
-Why are the dwarves like 5' 8"?
-WHY IS BOROMIR A VIKING?
-Ey that sword is WAY more broken now than before. wtf.
-Gimli looks like he got kicked out of a children's theater production of Snow White
-Love his hat tho
-wtf is Sam sitting on? What is the perspective of that background?
-Wait where was the mithril shirt in that last movie???
-I love how teeny Bilbo is in this
-I also love how we will never speak of Saruman again in any of these movies. It's totally Sauron sending the snowstorm, yep.
-hahahaha Gimli is so tall
-My takeaway from these movies is that humans do not wear pants. Only elves, dwarves, and hobbits wear pants.
-Cameo appearance by my tattoo! Which I gotta get touched up because the elf script is getting blurry
-I still think the whole "Speak Friend and enter" bit is the equivalent of making your password "Password" tho
-TENTACLE MONSTER
-Poor old Bill
These movies are unnecessarily brutal compared to the books
-lol stfu pippin
-Yes the stone landing with no railing under some broken rafters seems like a very good place to stop for the night. Also how do you know that it's night? Y'all got watches?
-The dwarves had some very goth decorating styles
-We just had a rest Gandalf, wtf
-Legolas you shady bitch I love you
-Why are Pippin and Frodo blonde all of a sudden??
-Now to be fair, Gandalf, this time Pippin just dropped a rock in the well, not a whole fucking skeleton
-The orcs don't have drums, they have to use maracas instead
-But seriously Gimli's like an inch shorter than Legolas, that's all
-So we know that Balin must have been one of the six survivors in the last movie. That's nice I guess.
-Legolas stands out so bad in group shots omg i'm dying
-Also is that a mullet?
-OMG PIPPIN GET OVER HERE YOU NEED A HUG
-I wish these orcs were more like the frog goblins from The Hobbit
-AHAHAHA THE CAVE TROLL IS IN A BIGFOOT SUIT
-Legolas just aiming his arrow and never shooting it
-moooooore sloooooo mooooooo
-"I thought you were dead!" and it was never spoken of again
-Yeah Aragorn, you as one dude are going to hold back the army of orcs by telling them to stop.
-The Balrog is like three inches taller than Gimli
-And wearing a pig lion mask
^Balrog, sans wings
-And leather pants to match his whip
-Definitely flying. Definitely not a guy on wires being rotoscoped.
-I cried so much at this scene in the live action version, but now I just keep laughing.
-WHY ARE THE HOBBITS BLONDE AGAIN
-bwahaha the orc going "AH!" and falling off the cliff
-Aragorn is more concerned with the mithril shirt than Gandalf.
-"There is always vengeance!" lol yup
-The Golden Wood sure sounds ominous to me
-Galadriel's voice reminds me of my grandma
-Also Celeborn looks silly and useless as ever--HOLY SHIT HE TALKS
-Damn Galadriel got huge eyes
-I think they should have used this version of Lament for Gandalf in the live action movies.
-Damn y'all got over that death quick.
-Teeny bit of fanservice for the Gimli/Legolas shippers
-Elanor! But jesus don't throw it around Sam, it's not opium poppies.
-I want a mirror in Galadriel in my house. That's sweet ambiance.
-Why would we show Sam's vision in the mirror when we can just show him flipping tf out about it?
-SARUMAN. NOT ARUMAN.
-Is that a ring or is that just a drug-induced light effect?
-Cartoon Galadriel is weirdly chill about getting offered the One Ring.
-I do kind of want to see an AU with Evil!Galadriel tho
-My-nass Tirith lol. Your-nass Tirith.
-"What an 'orrible place!" I love you Sam.
-Erosion has not been kind to the Argonath. That or the background artists were running out of money.
-Wait why were the live action clouds at night but now it's day?
-It's never good when Boromir shows up
-Damn his belt is even bigger than Aragorn's
-
My-nass Tirith
-I know those eyes
-Wait where are the Falls of Rauros?
-lol Boromir walking back like
absolutely nothing happened
-Ah at least he owned up to his shit.
-It might be too much champagne but omg the way Aragorn runs
-Cartoon Sam still can't swim for shit
-Also probably not gonna cry at this part. I think we got at least a half hour yet, maybe even 45 minutes? idk, time is a construct
-ahahaha the paddling joke should have been in the PJ movies
-Aragorn will look after them and definitely nothing bad will happen to Merry and Pippin
-Ralph Bakshi Gollum is the equivalent of the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man. Come at me.
-These are definitely orcs and not guys in halloween masks with eyes and fangs panted on the frames
-Only one arrow to take out this Boromir? Lame
-Sad that Merry and Pippin had to witness it though
-Also why is the orc blood barbie pink?
-OMG GIMLI IS BALD HAHAHAHA
-jk it was four arrows that took out Boromir. You have redeemed yourself.
-
my-nass...tirith *dies*
-Still wish at least one of the movies would have done the Lament for Boromir song.
-Did they make Boromir a viking because they knew he'd have to have a viking funeral? Or is that a coincidence?
-LOLOLOL WHY THE FUCK DID THEY ANIMATE ARAGORN TRIPPING AND FALLING OVER IN SLOW MOTION OH MY FUCKING GOD
-Did not need that up-nose shot of Legoals either
-Oooh I am digging this Orc horn music. That's like almost as good as some Howard Shore shit right there.
-Jesus this is a ridiculously long running sequence
-......THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD
-EY. THOSE BROOCHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LEAVES, NOT SUNS.
-Also I may have bought a Leaves of Lorien holiday sweater, because I am one cool chick
-lol Gimli still can't run
-The orcs now just look like guys with hoods on
-Although this is 100% how I picture the Rohirrim
-Still disturbed by the lack of pants tho
-Meanwhile, in the Emyn Muil...
-Well Sam is obviously drunk (it's okay Sam, me too)
-Gollum's voice needs to be more gutteral. He just reminds me of a british guy with a cold.
-He's also more gross-looking. Rankin/Bass Gollum is creepy, and PJ Gollum is pitiful/menacing, but Bakshi Gollum makes me think of a rejected Star Wars character for some reason.
-But at least he's not naked. Although I don't like that his little loincloth thing is the exact same color of his flesh.
-Back in Rohan, I think that one dude had a boomerang???
-Actually I'm trying to remember if Eomer is a real character in this movie. I don't think he is.
-lol that one orc is part dog?
-ahahaha Gimli sleeping while Aragorn and Legolas stare dramatically at the horizon
-omg i loved this part in the book. idk how Merry knows how to do a Gollum impression, unless maybe Bilbo did one for him
-And now we're back to blue-eyed horses? WTF?
-I love how Bakshi was like "I could fully animate this battle sequence, orrrrr I could just throw a filter on the raw footage and call it a day." I would have made the same choice, tbh.
-Awww Fangorn looks pretty!
-Wait is John Hurt Treebeard? *googles* Nope.
-I like his nose tho
-I also like his stumpy legs. Pun intended. Suck it
-I think Gimli might have the biggest belt of all actually
-GANDALF'S BACK. Although his death loses some weight when he comes back like half an hour later.
-I also like that he still has the pointy hat and it's white now
-All this cool stuff happened when Gandalf fought the Balrog, but there was no time to animate it so enjoy these flashing shots of some pretty backgrounds
-We're just not gonna talk about Shadowfax, huh?
-KING SANTA!
-Wormtongue looks like like a reject from a Tim Burton movie
-Adore-us
-Oh hey Saruman does have more to do in this movie. Neato.
-Wormtongue has teleportation powers, apparently
-Something something Helm's Deep this movie is just rushing now
-I like Eowyn's ponytail. Even if she looks like a prototype Galadriel. There are only two women in existence, after all
-Where are her pupils though?
-STOP SAYING ARUMAN
-Gandalf's back to pointing at stuff lol
-Did...did you just
now notice his staff? I mean he had it the whole time he was talking...
-Is Wormtongue a hobbit? Why is he so short? Gimli is taller.
-
We don't talk about Eomer-mer-mer...
-I don't know what I love more, Theoden's helmet or the full scalemail suit of armor for his horse
-Oh shit I actually kind of love the aesthetic of the Dead Marshes in this movie
-Although I heard if it has trees it's technically a swamp, not a marsh
-LOL the Nazgûl upgraded from horses to pterodactyls. Love that for them.
-ewwww do not kiss hobbit feet i do not want to open that can of fetishes
-STOP FUCKING STARING AT HIS FEET GOLLUM YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT
-ahahaha "SNEAKING?" that is perfect delivery though
-....were there wargs at Helm's Deep? Imma have to look that up.
-The Uruk-Hai actually have a fantastic men's chorus. True story.
-The wargs look like puppies lol
-So I *know* the Uruk-Hai are getting shot but it just looks like they're tripping over each other and I find that hilarious
-Also they kind of look like Capuchin monks
-I appreciate the fact that Legolas isn't pulling dumbass skateboard moves or competing with Gimli for kills. He's just getting shit done and looking fabulous.
-Did...did I just see Aragorn's butt? For Christ's sake put some pants on man, please.
-lol I love the doom fireworks coming from NOWHERE to blow up the wall
-It's kind of weird though that other tha yet another fanservicey shot of Gimli and Legolas at the beginning of the battle, my fourth favorite dwarf is nowhere to be seen in this whole sequence?
-Damn this version of Theoden is a bamf
-The hobbits' pointy hoods make me smile and idk why *looks at empty champagne bottle*
-lol Gollum does not like Sam's whistling
-Absolutely nothing ominous about those stairs, nope
-Back at Helm's Deep people are still fighting, but we gotta wrap this movie up
-Wait is one of the Uruks some guy in a chimp mask?
-lol that's why you don't sleep standing up
-Kinda mad there aren't any huorns in this one
-Also are we gonna check on Merry and Pippin, or...?
-Oh hey everyone left the caves. Neat.
-And now we've got another 10% animated 90% rotoscoped battle scene that is not at all fucking with my mind
-"AND NOW I THE URUKS AM LEAVING FOR NO RAISIN"
-If you say Gandalf's name twice he will appear
-His beard and clothes will be animated, but the rest of him will be rotoscoped
-Great shot of Gandalf's armpit there
-Okay Ralph Bakshi doesn't want to make any more movie here so he's gonna stop and let Rankin/Bass do the rest. Except they're gonna skip everything that happens between Helm's Deep and the siege of My-Nass Tirith. Hope y'all are cool with that.
-*Trumpets*
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