I keep thinking back to a year ago.
In 2019 I took this particular week off and went back east to visit my family. I actually saw them a lot last year because my little sister got married, and I was also going through a bad patch with my husband and handled it like the professional I am: running home to mommy. The August trip was a good one though. All the wedding shit was over and I had absolutely nothing to do but hang out with my parents (who I actually really like, but that's easy when you live 1500 miles away from them) and enjoy my favorite time of year.
I had also just booked a trip to Theme Park World with my little brother, and the excitement of that trip seriously helped me get through the rest of summer, fall, and most of winter with a smile on my face. That trip did actually end up taking place this past January, right before the whole world went to shit, and not gonna lie: it was a blast. I got back and was ready to start planning another trip, any trip, ideally with my husband who was just getting over...certain legal issues that would not allow him to leave the state.
Then shit hit the fan.
I've mentioned to some that Mr. The Cat has an immune disorder. He came down with an almost lethal case of the flu in the first week of March, right when COVID was beginning to shut everything down in our state. I seriously thought I was going to end up a 30-year-old widow at the time, but thankfully he pulled through, and over the past four months he is almost all the way back to his annoying-me-to-death self. We've both been healthy since then,
and we've somehow both kept our jobs (both working from home, which has been its own challenge in our tiny-ass house), so I know I have no right to be bitching about any of this, but I find myself just wanting to get the fuck out of here, with or without my husband at this point.
The most annoying part is I
could do it. I've hardly taken any time off since March, and money really isn't an issue for us. My parents' door is open, or I could book a trip to almost anywhere else in the US for almost nothing (probably won't be able to leave the country for at least a year though, judging the way the way we're handling the virus overall). But I'm so damn scared of infecting anyone or getting sick myself that day after day I just stay in or near the house, never going anywhere but the grocery store every two weeks, and it's just taking this major toll on my mind. I could take the time off work I guess, but to do what? Read, play video games, post on BMR? Shit, I do all of that every day anyways (my job is a fucking joke). I may as well just keep at it and make myself look good professionally while doing nothing.
I'm extra annoyed because I can't even go out to the trailheads anymore, because so many asshole tourists from the city and beyond have decided to clog every single open space in a fifty mile radius. So many times I've been tempted to say "Fuck it" and just chance it myself, but then I think about my husband back home and how scary it was back in March. If I brought back even a normal bug that he couldn't fight off, let alone COVID, I could never forgive myself.
So I sit at home watching travel videos on YouTube and wishing things were different. I haven't seen my brother in six months, and I haven't seen my mom and sister in more than a year. I haven't seen my childhood best friend in two years. She still lives in the same city where we grew up and I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF for not going to see her last year because I thought I would be going back for a visit this past spring. We were even talking about going to Mardi Gras together just to cross something off our high school bucket list. The one bright spot is that I did get to see my dad in June, but I worry about him all the time anyway because he's over 55, not in great health, lives alone, and still seems to think the virus is a hoax
I know this is just a shit ton of whining from a privileged white woman, hence why I put this all under a spoiler. I could have put this in an even more private journal, but I have some amazing partners right now that I just respect the shit out of, and they deserve to know why the usually zen Aunt Shiva isn't in a place to reply right now. Partners: Y'all know who you are and I appreciate the shit out of you for putting up with me. Just give me a few days to remind myself of all of the good I have going right now and find something new to look forward to, and I promise I'll be right as rain eventually.
Namasté my darlings.
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