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Here we go...

I go out, get wasted, come home and pass out and I STILL don't have anything to respond to when I wake up in the morning.

Definitely need to go find some more partners.
 
I'm feeling a little better. I really need to see a psychiatrist for these depressive episodes, but I think my health insurance is going to be taken away because they are asking for documents I don't have. Which sucks because next month I need to go in to get another pap smear done after the one in december came back abnormal.

I definitely need a better job so I can get health insurance. But first I need a car...and I was thinking about looking for one soon.
 
They need projected proof of my yearly income which has changed since I filled out the form. I assumed it was based on what I made last year and even then my documents were lost in the recent move. I am going to go through my folder with my birth certificate and see if I have anything in there.

It's just going to suck because now that I have a job I feel like they are going to take away the help I get for insurance. I made one trip to the hospital and I owe like 700 dollars after. I need the help so I can take care of everything the insurance won't. =/
 
I would think a single paystub would suffice. If you're paid biweekly, just do net pay times 26, and, tadah. Proof, projected.
 
I took care of it...gave them my tax form for last year.

I forgot that I could download that form. Hopefully I'll be okay.
 
Just checking in, seeing how you are doing. Sometimes I don't want to meddle too much, but I hope you know that you do have people here who care about what happens to you.

Hope that you find some good RPs to keep you going soon. *Hugs*
Traveler
 
Here's an update:

I have a new car now. 2007 Kia Optima. Best thing I've ever driven. Hope it lasts a long time. Living situation isn't going as well as I wanted it to, but it's still not bad. Just a lot of differing opinions with the roommates. It's lonely at times...but I can deal with that. Had a big argument with one of them and I left for the week.

I want a better job than what I have...I always want something better because life just keeps staying the same. There's always problems, I'm always better off being on my own but to be on my own I need to make more money...it's just hard. I don't seem to fit or belong anywhere...and the one place I did feel comfortable in I didn't have any friends or anything to do.

I still love him, after giving it a lot of thought. I miss the way things were, I guess. But he's just as much as an emotional sponge as I am. If I'm happy, he's happy. If I'm miserable, he's miserable. We don't know how to fix that. We don't know if we can fix it.

People are complicated.
 
You'll be alright, BD. But remember one thing that my mother has always told me. Never ask for more than you can hold, or otherwise you'll end up with nothing but disappointment. Just hang in there as best as you can for right now. You'll be alright. I promise.
 
Thanks BB.

I'm trying really hard to just stop and appreciate what I have. But it always seems like when things get better, more challenges come into my life.
 
I can agree with that sentiment. But if there's one thing I've learned throughout my years on this earth, is that you have to take things one step at a time instead of just rushing in, guns akimbo and ready for anything coming your way. And so what if there's more challenges down the road? Sure, they're more difficult, but they can be achieved just as easily because you had the wherewithal to know exactly what to expect.
 
So things in my life are going pretty well with the exception of people. I learned that I'm actually really good at what I do at my job, which was a real relief considering I was worried that they were going to get rid of me and all the other work at home people. Well they appreciate me, enough where I'm pausing my job search and decided to focus with being with them. I figured I would give them more of a chance to get everything together and hopefully things work out.

I love my car. It's amazing and I'm addicted to driving it. After I buy everything I need to buy for my room, I'm going to get a brand new radio for it. That way I can listen to the music on my iPhone and stuff. It's going to be sick.

Starting to get into smoking so I can relax and enjoy things by myself. Friends aren't always going to be around, in my case they are never around anymore. Or they are but they don't want to talk to me. I don't know, I need more of them I guess. My roommates are still kind of acting funny to me. Because I got into an argument with my friend and her friends/family/boyfriend are all wary of me now because of it. It's super annoying....I might be paranoid but it just feels like everyone is treating me different now. All because they're going to side with her no matter what and I'm just the lazy roommate who doesn't want to do anything. Ugh.

I am quickly learning that I cannot be beta of a household. Not to someone who makes poor life choices and constantly has people over but complains that the house and dishes are always dirty when that's her own fault for constantly having people over. Not to mention she doesn't actually pay rent. At all. It's really annoying and now I don't feel comfortable living here. I wish I could leave but I signed a lease. So I have to deal with it for the next nine months. Lucky me.

It sucks. I can't seem to find a place where I just fit. I need to get out more and do more things.
 
True. I've disappeared on a few counts though just because life is being dumb. I'm trying my best not to disappear again.
 
Jesus, it's been three months since I posted in my journal. But then again I just haven't been posting anywhere. To be honest, I'm not really sure what the deal is with me. My life hasn't gotten any worse, if anything it's gotten better. But the responsibilities of a full time job are still there, and for some reason when I work full time my brain refuses to work.

After I get some things settled, such as leaving my terrible roommates, I'm thinking of dropping to part time so I can enjoy life with my boyfriend. In the three months that I stopped writing here, I've been spending time with him. The separation changed him for the better, and he has been pretty good to me. I gave him another chance simply because I saw how much he loved me, not because of the suffering he was going through without me. I have watched another person "suffer" without me but never showed how much he loved me.

He's a good person, he's just young. And when I put in a little more effort to make him understand that I do care about him, he tries even harder. I don't think I made a mistake in leaving him, but I also don't think I made a mistake in giving him another chance either. Because honestly, the sex has been fucking amazing and he's the one constantly wanting it instead of the other way around like before. Plus he makes an effort to pay attention to me now which is great.

But other than constantly lurking on this site without actually contacting anyone to start a roleplay with, I haven't been doing much. I just think this is the full time job syndrome to me. There isn't enough time in the day, or at least there isn't when I want to do something. I'm always tired and stuff.

Been thinking about religion a lot lately. Watching people who used to be non religious convert over to being a Christian. That's great and all, I want to find a religion that works for me though. They keep asking me why I can't believe in what they do, but I just can't worship a God that I don't want to believe in. A God that supposedly sends every non believer to hell even if they lived their lives much better than a Christian has. I think my family has a lot to do with it, so called devout Christians yet they sin every single day on purpose and then go to Church Sunday like nothing was wrong.

I always thought that you had to acknowledge your Sin to be forgiven for it. But my mother never has, she always thinks she's right and never does anything wrong. My mom lies a lot now, specifically towards my dad. I remember growing up, my mom used to punish me severely for telling a lie, no matter what it was. I never did anything inherently wrong, but she would over react to the point where I had to lie to protect myself from being beaten, which she did a lot. I remember my friend letting me borrow a book once from the library, a book that I had forgotten to give to her before the weekend. So of course there was a late fee, and her mother called my mother. I don't know what her mother said to mine, all I know was that it was enough for her to go completely ballistic, waking me up a little before 8am by slamming me repeatedly with a belt. I was traumatized for a long time, because that was the first time I had ever done something wrong in my sleep.

I remember questioning God then, wondering why he gave me such cruel and awful parents that didn't respect my opinion or personal space. Everything I loved could always be taken away, and they enjoyed doing that as well as beating the ever loving shit out of me with their belts. I wore jackets in the heat of Florida all the time because of the bruises I'd always have. I didn't want a teacher to see, because one time that happened before and I had to be put in a foster home. My parents got to pick who I stayed with, and of course they chose someone that would make my life hell so I would appreciate them whenever they got me back. It worked, because the beating only got harder and more violent from there...and they used their scared tactics to keep me from ever alerting the authorities again.

Did the system fail me or was I just being a bad kid? I still question that today.

Fast forward to today, my life is a lot better. There is no one threatening to take my things away. But sometimes I'm still terrified of being hit. Especially because my last boyfriend did it and it took me a long time to leave him. All because I am still brainwashed from all the way back then...it's always going to be my fault if someone hits me. I did something wrong. I shouldn't leave because if I behaved, he wouldn't have hit me.

Fuck man. I hope I'm a good mom.
 
You're loved, Beautiful. :heart:


And let me say that from what you've said, your parents were not Christians. You ever hear the saying that "Saying you're a Christian makes you one as much as standing in a garage makes you a car"?

There was no fruit in their lives. If anything, they've driven you from God, which is something that anyone who professes to be a believer in Jesus should tremble in fear at doing. Don't let someone else's actions keep you from exploring a personal relationship. In the end we all have to answer for our lives alone. We don't get to point the finger at others and blame them for what we did or do not do.

(Now wait for the haters to come out...)



You're loved. As much as I am worried about you going back to your boyfriend I know that you are an intelligent woman, and you would not have done it without good reason. I hope that you can look back on this choice in ten years and still feel like you did the right thing.

I hope you stick around the site. You've been missed. You're a great writer and storyteller, and you've shown interesting and insightful commentaries on your journals and beyond. I'm always humbled when you share a piece of your heart on the forums.
 
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