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Here we go...

Either to South Carolina or back to where I've lived for over a decade, Jacksonville.

Depends on if my highschool friend was serious about having a roommate.
 
Oh shit. I Lived in Jax for a year with my mom after my parent's divorce for a year. Beach was awesome, I was in Ponte Vedra so the neighbood was good, if full of yuppies.

I do miss that beach though. #Barefoot runs on the beach are legendary.
 
Ponte Vedra? That is the rich side of Jacksonville. Very beautiful place. I do like Jacksonville's beach, but St. Augustine was closer to me.
 
I'm going to be going on hiatus for a few weeks, I apologize to anyone who I started a roleplay with.

My soon to be ex boyfriend did a really shitty thing to me, I haven't been in the best of emotional states to write.

I'll try to keep doing my welcoming duties at the very least.

In other good news, my move out date is the first week of March. I decided to move in with my grade school/high school friend because I am too paranoid to be anywhere else. That's what happens when people you think care about you take advantage of you.
 
Well, everything is set up and I'll be moving tomorrow.

Everyone please wish me the best, hopefully nothing horrible happens when I drive the shit mobile 179 miles back to my home town.

I have an interview tomorrow, I don't want to miss it because my car fell apart on the high way.

I'll be visiting regularly again after I get settled tomorrow. =D
 
I'm still not a hundred percent settled and there's just been so much stress. I know that this is for the best, but I miss that feeling of stability and having a body to hug while I sleep. I'm really uncomfortable, fleas are constantly biting at me. Thank God I've got friends to distract me as the time goes by, but whenever I'm alone I feel like I'm unraveling.

I need to stay strong.
 
Got a work at home job, after a month of stressing and other bullshit. That means I finally get a routine, no more staring at the wall for hours and thinking about what ifs, I'll finally get some stability going. The job is enough to support me, which is amazing and I really can't wait to start orientation tomorrow.

I feel like this is the official start of my new life here in Jacksonville. Because now I don't feel like it's temporary. Now I feel like it's home. Even if the job is tiring at 40 hours, at least I'll have money to do nice things and support myself.

Life is going well.
 
Things are going great with the job. I can't wait to get paid and actually have money to spend after I pay rent and stuff. First check didn't count because it immediately had to go to rent. I'm slowly settling in at my new house. I'm hoping everything is smooth sailing from here on out.

Things have been weird for my personal life. My ex and I are still on good terms and I miss him(as a friend, not a lover). I've been staying with a friend every week since I came back to Jacksonville just to sleep over and he's fallen in love with me but I am not ready to even think about relationships. Then there was the last guy I dated when I was here, he doesn't know when to quit even though I made it clear we will never be back together...he's just the complete opposite of attractive in my opinion. Mentally and physically he turns me off...but not only that. We just don't work together as a couple. Then I have another friend who doesn't live near me who likes me but doesn't want to date long distance and neither do I...if I was even ready for a relationship. And then yesterday someone else that I've known for a long time said he wants to date me but he knows he's not good enough because he doesn't have a job, can't drive, etc...

I'm not used to having so many options, but honestly I don't want any of them. I just want to be single and focus on making myself happy before I choose the next person I want to date. I also want to feel a spark. I like all of them except for the guy who turns me off in every way imaginable. But I have never once felt the spark with any of them.

Anyways, I love my new place. I just need to get some decent furniture for my bedroom. If having too many people like me and needing furniture are my only problems, I think I'm going to be okay. :)

Also I want to thank everyone who stayed with me through my transitioning...it's a shame that I lost a friend on this journey and I will possibly never know why. But some people are meant to be in your life, and some people aren't. It's that simple.
 
After last weekend with the friend that I have been seeing every week, I think I might have fallen for him.

It's been a long time since I kissed someone and wanted to actually do it.

I don't know if I'm ready, so I'll take it one day at a time. I want to be absolutely sure that this feeling is real.
 
BD, take some time. It hasn't been long since you left your live-in... just... take it slow, okay? Consider giving yourself a year to concentrate on 'you'. You deserve that.

Wishing you the best,
T
 
Traveler said:
BD, take some time. It hasn't been long since you left your live-in... just... take it slow, okay? Consider giving yourself a year to concentrate on 'you'. You deserve that.

Wishing you the best,
T
Click to expand...

^This. If he's still around then, then maybe.
 
A year sounds like a long time, but it's really not. I will try not to rush into anything. I want to make sure I end up with someone that's going to appreciate me and not ignore me.

This guy treats me well but I do need to focus on myself right now. You two are absolutely right.
 
I care about you, BD - there are a lot of us in this community who do. It's hard to be alone when it seems like everyone else is in a relationship. You made a big step towards taking care of YOU when you left Ex-BF, and I'm really proud of you for doing that. Remember; you're stronger than this temporary loneliness. I really believe that God's preparing you for wonderful things if you'll give Him the benefit of the doubt and trust that the timing will be worked out. Even if you don't believe, just know that it takes time for things to work themselves out.

A flower doesn't go from seed to blossom in a day, right?

I wish you the very best in your endeavors. There is happiness ahead.
 
I'm not even really that lonely...I've just spending a lot of time with him. Maybe too much. I don't think what I'm feeling is real, I just really appreciate him as a friend. As a lover, I don't think I'm attracted to him that way.

I promised myself I wouldn't settle for anything less than perfect. To feel so much doubt and resistance means the person is not right for me.
 
I find it odd how disengaged I am to everything and everyone online. I used to love forums and posting but now it's not so easy for me anymore. I have had a rough time in the past on forums and anyone who knows my old account can testify to that. I'm much more chill now and don't need the amount of attention I used to. But whenever I go on hiatuses it's hard for me to settle back into a routine...things get stale and I find it hard to pick up the pieces. Roleplaying has become an absolute chore to me, finding people to keep me engaged is hard. I used to enjoy writing super long posts but retro posting is pointless to me now...I want to have time to react to everything that's going on.

It's hard to find a balance between detail and simplicity...there's only one person I know who can do that but I really need to get more RPs going with different people.

In other news, this is my 4,999th post.
 
I've been thinking my journal is too real lately. I do not really post anything that's worth commenting on, or rather I don't post things that people will find it easy to comment to. Even though technically this place isn't really for discussion but rather for me to vent, it still gets lonely despite knowing that there's at least two to three people who click on my journal and read what's going on in my life.

I kind of feel like going back and reading each and every little post that I've made to see what I can do to be a little more interesting. I suppose if I had more partners and made them feel special they'd come and keep me company here, but I am just too damn stubborn to find a bunch of people only for the sake of stroking myself to my own posts(though earlier I posted something super today which was surprising considering the funk I've been in for the passed few months). I am more interested in reading what my partner does so long as I can react to it as much as I act.

The balance is so hard to find...I absolutely can't stand when my partners do too much to the point of me having to meticulously scroll up and down to make sure I react to the ten things they did in one post. But also there are times where my partner does too little and I am forced to hold their hand through the story.

I'm not sure if I really want to go back to my old pace which was about 10 separate roleplays, but I find myself more often waiting on responses than receiving them. But I notice a trend..either I get an overwhelming amount of responses or so little that I go look for other stories.

Ugh I think the worst part is when I find really good people they always end up bailing on me. I remember one story I had with someone, they were super awesome and the second I got into it they stopped responding. Two-three weeks later I find out they weren't into it. I wish I got criticism or something but I didn't...or if I did it was so vague that there was nothing for me to work on.

It sucks because it's like pulling teeth to find people I mesh well with. I'm not picky I just like literate people who know how to play more than one character. Finding someone who knows how to make distinguishable personalities is also hard...I have experienced more often than not that it is hard to separate characters from one another because my partner either bases every character off of himself/herself or they just only play one type of generic character that it just gets boring after a while.

Then there's the fact that I like (gasp) STORYLINE?! Ugh, pair that with the fact that I will only roleplay with threads and the numbers grow thinner by the second.

I wish I could post about more positive things more often, but most of the time when I think about posting here it's because I'm bored or upset. Being bored is a very negative state of mind for me because I think about the worst things. It's my day off, too...makes it more depressing.

On the plus side, I have a party to go to today. Hopefully I meet cool people and make some new friends. My social life online is dead, but offline I'm getting much better with talking to people.
 
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