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Here we go...

Fine then, I'll make you a sticker, but that still don't mean that Senpai doesn't want you to take it easy. = w=
 
I thought I'd sneak on here to her journal and all. Not sure if she went to sleep or something, but seems like an opportune time to throw this on here while she's away. ^^

But to all who read this, Beautiful Disgrace is probably the most amazing person I've ever met, and she really shined out tonight when I was in a dark place. I'm usually not the person to really open up to my friends, I like to bottle it away and think that my problems don't matter to anyone else. But when it became too much and I looked to BD to confide in her, she let me and was there for me. I've never been so supported in my life. I've never had such a quick turn around from a stressful situation that I couldn't, in my wildest dreams, handle right then and there. So, seriously, I want everyone to know who doesn't know already, that this woman is the fucking shit! Ugh! She rocks, seriously!!!

Probably odd to throw this in here, considering it's her journal, but she deserves some major praise. <3
 
D'aww I don't know what to say. Thank you so much, I just to do everything I can to help the people I care about.
 
>Be me, casually playing through Pokemon Alpha Sapphire
>Highest level pokemon is level 11 mudkip
>Find level 15 Taillow
>Catchingthisshit.png
>Mudkip/Kirby dies
>Poocheyena/Dark Pit(Level 7) dies
>Some funky looking raccoon pokemon i nicknamed Wendi(level 7) dies
>Raltz/Ness (Level 7) dies
>Ohcrapohcrap I'm not RUNNING
>Almost dead wingull and a lotad is left, both level 5
>Tries Lotad
>No attack moves
>ffffuuuuuuuuu what the hell is this dance move?
>Confuses Taillow
>Hurts itself in confusion, health bar is yellow
>fuckit.jpg
>Throws pokeball
>caught
>Named Taillow Palutena. Lotad is a bro
 
Another morning awake at six in the morning.

I hate apartments. I can't sleep unless I have the fan on...white noise. It's really not cold....partner whines about it and actually leaves to sleep somewhere else instead of turning the damn fan off. But anyways, had a stupid nightmare. Just put an alligator in any of my dreams and it's a fucking nightmare....but more than that I hate waking up alone, it scares the shit out of me.

If I'm gonna be used at least return the goddamn favor and don't fucking leave in the middle of the night. Christ, literally all I ask for.

Unrelated note, I need to leave Florida so it's not in this weird hot but cold phase. I didn't touch any fan last year when I was in Mississippi. Wouldn't solve my obnoxuous upstair neighbor problem, but at least I wouldn't get mad about my partners low as shit cold tolerance.
 
So I watched the ending of Korra and this was pretty much my reaction.

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqUAJjzK0pw[/video]
 
Sigh. I don't understand why when I wake up in the morning I do everything I can to make sure I don't disturb the other person when they sleep, but when my boyfriend wakes up before me he can't just close the bedroom door. I have always been a light sleeper and I hate it.

Seriously, you want to pick up and crunch wrappers in our bedroom at seven am when I'm trying to sleep? I quit trying.

The small things are always the most annoying.

Hopefully I don't have to live in this small box much longer. Will be a glorious day when the kitchen is on an entirely different floor than wherever I sleep.

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Doing a calorie restict again, figured what better time to start than the new year. I gained ten pounds back of the 30 that I lost at the end of 2013/beginning of 2014. I can easily lose it, I lost 4-6 pounds already since the week I started easing into the calorie restriction. Today I lost two pounds. Five more and I'll be back at my lowest weight since ages ago.

It's so easy for me to lose weight this way, I just wish I can add some regular activity into my day so I can build some muscle. Hopefully whatever job I get next will involve some running around that isn't too strenuous. Because I have such a low muscle to fat percentage, I have a slow metabolism. Obviously muscle burns more than fat when you sleep and stuff.

I know what to do, just got to do it. Kicking the calorie drinks were hard, but probably the main reason why I didn't lose any weight for the past year.

The wake up call was the fact that my blood sugar has been consistently high for a few months. The clinic told me to see a specialist so they can order some tests. I really don't want to be a victim of early onset diabetes. Nope, gotta get healthy.
 
Been busy drawing and stuff to keep myself busy. Wanted to step back a little from roleplaying, despite having the urge to search for a new partner. I'm going to give it some time, figure out if I'm officially dropping a few of the ones I have already...

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This is my character, Sona. I didn't do too bad on her, but I have to color her today and I want to do it right...so I'm gonna watch a bunch of art tutorials today, see if my boyfriend can show me how to do skin color the way I need hers to be done, and we'll go from there...

I hope I keep getting better.
 
Hey Girl, I haven't looked at the journals for a while. The drawing is wonderful - I can't wait to see the final version! And congrats on your calorie restrict. If you can, try bodyweight exercises (Body by You by Mark Lauren) my wife loves it and she can do it anywhere, even when traveling. I like gyms myself but damn... there's a lot of strength that comes from just bodyweight workouts. And it's free! :cool:

I hope you get a few good nights of rest and who ever you cook for appreciates what you're doing for them. You know you got cheerleaders here. One day you're going to blog that you got the fuck outta that bad relationship and that horrid apartment and I'm gonna pop open a bottle of wine in your honor. Don't let it get you down - you were made to be awesome and to sparkle.

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Thank you! I'm trying my best. I will look into that, too. Gotta do something to get these weak muscles into shape, but first I want to really focus on this diet thing. I have to do it for the rest of my life, it's hard to solidify it into my brain. It's hard to do it when I'm around someone who constantly snacks, and since he's been home all week I totally flopped yesterday and went crazy. But I won't let that stop me now. I'm gonna fall occasionally but as long as I keep trying, I will get it down and eventually get back to the point where I find snacking dumb.

I need more fruit.
 
I'm back from my trip, been doing some thinking lately on my sexual habits. If you are reading this, I would really love some feedback. I need it, actually. So don't be afraid to comment. I didn't want to post this in anywhere but here because it's my problem, and I hate making entire threads about me outside of this forum.

But anyways, recently I've been thinking about not having sex anymore until marriage. Just because every time I have sex now I feel..kinda empty. I have been sexually active since eighteen, with at least two partners a year, sometimes three. It doesn't exactly seem like much, but it's starting to add up and I feel really bad about it. I don't know why, I shouldn't be ashamed for liking sex. But lately I just feel like I've been getting used and tossed aside and it's degrading.

My current boyfriend wants to know what having sex with other girls is like. I feel like shit about that, like I'm not good enough. I think I'll break up with him soon and stay single until I find someone I'm absolutely sure about before I date them. I want to know them before we go out. I want to know their bad habits, and I want them to know me and mine. I don't like finding things out about people afterwards, things that potentially can destroy a relationship if left to fester.

But that's not the point. I still feel really bad about the amount of people I've had sex with, and I think I did it just because I wanted to feel good, or pretty. I guess it doesn't help that right now I'm just with my boyfriend because I have no where else to go...I feel like I'm using my body just to have a place to sleep at night. It's an awful feeling.

I'm turning 23 this Sunday...If you do the math, I've easily fucked a little more than 10 people. I feel really, really slutty.
 
Been through a couple dryspells and yeah, they can be good.

I'm with my 13th sex partner and I don't think twice about it. Numbers really don't matter unless you let them matter. I've slept with people almost twice my age, people I've known for years, and people I didn't know very well but weren't strangers. I think it all depends on your comfort level. Taking a break can be good and sex should be fun, however, if you just feel bad about it, you need to take some time to yourself and compare why you enjoy it vs. why you suddenly feel bad about it.

And also, your boyfriend sounds like a douchecanoe.
 
You can focus on the number and let it run you, or realize its just a number. Focusing on the things that won't make you happy just make you feel worse, never a way to uplift yourself. You can always compare it against the people who have slept with way more than that, and thank whatever deity you believe in that you are not them. Or focus on the things you want to change and do what you can to change it.

One advantage to not sleeping with someone for awhile is to know whether they want you, for you, or something else. I've been in relationships where it took a couple of months just to get to holding hands, and for that it was worth it. Sticking around and getting to know the person. Who then felt more like a real person. When you spend time learning how to laugh and cry together it brings you closer in ways that you don't get if you make it intimate right away, to me that subtlety changes the nature of the relationship, for some that works, for me it doesn't. If you want to change, make the decision and keep to it, the hardest person to lie to is yourself.
 
Trygon said:
I've been through a few multiple-year dryspells. It can be good.

That being said, 10 is an adorable, tiny number.
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I'd love to go a few years without sex. I can't imagine how could it would feel to finally have it again.

Hahvoc The Decepticon said:
Been through a couple dryspells and yeah, they can be good.

I'm with my 13th sex partner and I don't think twice about it. Numbers really don't matter unless you let them matter. I've slept with people almost twice my age, people I've known for years, and people I didn't know very well but weren't strangers. I think it all depends on your comfort level. Taking a break can be good and sex should be fun, however, if you just feel bad about it, you need to take some time to yourself and compare why you enjoy it vs. why you suddenly feel bad about it.

And also, your boyfriend sounds like a douchecanoe.
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He kinda is. Back when I was still in love with him he ignored the shit out of me, but now I have really good friends to talk to online and all he does is try to hump me every day to mark his territory.

But yeah, I think I don't enjoy it because I've gotten to the point where casual sex or sex with someone I'm not in love with does nothing but degrade my self worth. It might be the reason why I am starting to feel slutty. I always emotionally invest myself in the people I have sex with if I know them.

boyo111 said:
You can focus on the number and let it run you, or realize its just a number. Focusing on the things that won't make you happy just make you feel worse, never a way to uplift yourself. You can always compare it against the people who have slept with way more than that, and thank whatever deity you believe in that you are not them. Or focus on the things you want to change and do what you can to change it.

One advantage to not sleeping with someone for awhile is to know whether they want you, for you, or something else. I've been in relationships where it took a couple of months just to get to holding hands, and for that it was worth it. Sticking around and getting to know the person. Who then felt more like a real person. When you spend time learning how to laugh and cry together it brings you closer in ways that you don't get if you make it intimate right away, to me that subtlety changes the nature of the relationship, for some that works, for me it doesn't. If you want to change, make the decision and keep to it, the hardest person to lie to is yourself.
Click to expand...
I feel like if I make, or rather because I made this decision as I told my boyfriend last night that I will no longer have sex until marriage, I should be able to commit to it long enough for it to change something. If I say "Well I won't have sex until I know the person is into me", I will end up giving in because I sometimes am a bad judge of character when someone is being nice to me. Because I'm insecure and at the moment have low self esteem, which is why I end up sleeping with people...which is probably why it's starting to make me feel like shit.

That's why I'm going to that extreme...knowing my track record I'll end up dating within a year after I break up with my boyfriend. So I will find myself in a situation where I will have to say no.

But you're totally right about the number. I can't do anything about it and for a while I didn't think about it until I talked to a few friends and realized I was way more experienced than them.
 
Happy belated birthday!

Beautiful, you know how I feel about your boyfriend and living situation. You deserve to be treated much better, but until you insist upon it, you'll continue to be used. I'd suggest moving to another bed, even to the couch if that's what it takes, although a true gentleman would give you the bed and move himself out onto the couch. You deserve better.

I've known many who decide to not have sex until marriage after being promiscuous and it's always been a good decision. I've never heard anyone say that they wished they had just kept sleeping around instead of choosing to be chaste and to focus on developing their own sense of worth.

Stick to your guns on this. You will not regret it. If you need to, wear a ring on your left hand to remind yourself that you might not have met your future husband yet (I'd bet money on it) but he's out there, waiting on you, and when you finally share yourself with him on your wedding night it will be a wonderful, sacred thing that will be more pure because of the time you put between him and the person you used to be.

tmfs+to+my+future+wife+patience.png


He's out there waiting, I promise.
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I definitely have been adamant about my feelings. It sucks that it didn't stop his constant unwanted touching, but at least I'm not being used in any other way. I might shop around on Amazon for a ring to remind me. I won't have an issues with my current boyfriend, but a new one might make me want to(especially if I'm frustrated after a few months/years of not having sex).

I can feel that I'm leaving soon. I have one or two friends that have expressed interest in helping me out. So we'll see. :)
 
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