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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Writing is pretty much just for me....and whoever I'm writing about. <_<

It's hard for me to talk about feelings and emotions, except when I'm writing/typing them out because it's easier to show someone something you've written and THEN talk about it, rather than just try to get it all together at the drop of a hat. It's difficult for me, and I tend to clam up when openly confronted [Sounds silly coming from a D-type]. It's hard to do this, especially when it's someone new who's come along and just twists up my insides [it's rare but it happens] and just makes me want things, yet I'm frozen.

I don't consider submissives [REAL SUBMISSIVES] weak, but for me, submitting to my own submission to someone else is something that scares the piss out of me. It really does scare me. It feels like I would be giving up a huge part of myself just to satisfy one little part of me. Yet I know this isn't true. I'm very much so equal in my d/s personality: I just don't encourage my own submission because I feel like it can be considered a weakness. It's hard for me to rely on people, though I've been working on that, but it's also hard to rely on someone that draws out a side of you that you'd rather just leave alone. Yet, that pounding in my chest is hard to ignore. The want and need rises to the top and almost bubbles out as if the valve was being held too tightly. But then I just clamp it all back down and shove it aside, almost in terror.

It's hard to expose a side of yourself that makes you uncertain and afraid. Maybe in this way, I am weak because I can barely face this littler side of myself that wants to rely on someone stronger - emotionally, physically, mentally? - and not be in control all the time. But I'm a control freak in some ways, I openly admit that, yet this side just wants to give the reins up and trust someone.

That to me is terrifying and yet I know that this side, this part of me, needs this type of security and release from the day-to-day restraints. Yet, this person- one I know yet barely know?- makes this side come out in such intensity, with just mere words, that it shakes me.

Curiosity and fear are a horrible combination, and that want and need are slipping under my skin. Maybe I've been strong for a little too long and need a break.

Maybe...I just want this because it is me. It's part of me, this other side, and maybe, it just is leading me to where I need to go.

Who knows? I'm still learning.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So as much as it might seem weird to everyone else, I've taken up coloring after work to relax. I can draw to a degree, but I'm no artist, so I color. I color in pictures that a friend of mine has found online for me because he knows I like them. It's cute and in fact, it's really relaxing to honestly spend an hour or so coloring in a picture using contrasting and complimentary colors despite how it makes my hands ache. It gives me focus and a mini project to do for the day. It's easier to color in computer paper, I think, than actual coloring book paper [it always felt really cheap to me] but I want coloring books, too, so I can just work on each individual picture and do what I want with them.

It's fun in a very simplistic way.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Baby, I know what you crave...you want some baby socks to put on your baby legs.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

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Sorry, I've been resisting posting this here ever since I read your post a few days ago. ^^; I decided to finally give in. Still, sounds like that's definitely a good way to relax... If I tried though, I'd probably end up coloring over the lines. >.> Anytime I touch a pen, pencil, or crayon, it becomes a disaster. My handwriting is terrible, I have no drawing skill, and I can't even color right~

Plus, hey, some people actually do that shit for a living. Colorists I think they're called? Either way, it's not 'that' weird.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

xD I'm coloring in Digimon.

Anyways, TMI Moment:

So, I only dislike using public restrooms when I have to poop. Seriously, it's like almost anxiety-inducing. And it's so fucking awkward when I'm just doing my business and someone takes the stall next to me....when all the others are empty! And then they take a poop! And make weird noises! I'm just trying to do this shit in peace! It turns into a crisis because they then realize someone else is in the bathroom and we sit in awkward silence trying to have the most silent of silent poops.

And it just gets more awkward if you finish first and can see their feet move at odd angles, like they are using their feet in some odd ritual to make it go faster. Almost like the Interpretive Dance of Pooping or something.

I hate public restrooms.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, good to know that happens in the women's restroom too.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Welp, today is my last day at the library.

I feel like some of my coworkers didn't realize that I won't be coming back, or they are just hoping that I won't be gone for long. I don't really know. Either way, today is my last day after four years of working here.

Some of the few things I've realized is this:

My other job(s) [when I get them] won't tolerate me being late unlike the library.
Breakfast is for the weak!
Taking ridiculous hours is acceptable...and demanded.
No sleep till Brooklyn!
Unless I get a job that pays as much as this, I'll possibly be working two jobs.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Bullshit emotions grab hold of me sometimes. I'm just hoping and trying for something better.

Maybe. Maybe.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Some times I think about the people I've let go from my life and the people that have let me go. The lines are long and the bridges are in tatters, but the scars remain. We all search for those people, the ones who will stay and the ones who will comfort our lonely and battered hearts. We are survivors, trekking through the fields of broken promises and dreams, searching for the flowers of happiness and light that could rise from the ashes. They are hard to find, and small, so small they can almost be missed and trampled on. Even with heavy hearts, we walk lightly, afraid yet hopeful, to find those little buds of light and happiness. Once found, we hold them so close that sometimes that light is smothered, and that happiness is lost. Yet when we hold them tenderly, gently, we find that those buds begin to bloom. Not all of those buds turn into beautiful blossoms. Not all of that happiness grows with the care and love provided. Yet we search, like hungry souls, for that spring in the desert that will quench the aching pit inside of our darkness.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*curls up and snuggles with*
Such a beautiful person you are. Those of us who know you--truly know you--on any genuine level, know how fortunate we are to have you. You have so much to give, sweetie. Your heart overflows with it. Just know that some of us are aware of that and that even more down the line will be eventually. Already you are a shining light in that darkness. Never forget it.
*hugs, kisses, loves* <33333
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sometimes this feeling just eats me up inside and just tears me apart.

I see so many people moving forward, finding happiness, experiences, joy, little things that make their whole day brighter. And I...I just feel like I'm drowning, like how I felt when I was twelve and wanted to die so badly I went almost went through with it. And I'm trying so hard not to let that feeling dig at me. It's why I try not to like someone, to not feel anything for people. I get so attached, so enamored that little things can hurt me when it's not even intentional. I get over it quickly, because I know how immature and ridiculous it is, but still. The feeling lingers. Like somehow I'll drive them away and be alone like I deserve. Sometimes I feel like I drove away RC even though I know it's not true. I know I don't deserve to be alone, but my heart hurts far too much, I think. Like, the people my heart grows fond of are the people that I can't have in ways that I crave. Sometimes I only want just one little piece selfishly to myself and it kills me when I know I can't even have that. Like I have to compete in silence. It's so stupid, right?

And then I just feel like I hurt the people I care about because of this selfishness, when it's not even their fault. Not really. So I try to just stay away until the feeling passes because I really don't want to hurt them because of how I feel when it's not about them but just my own ridiculous insecurities. I don't always have confidence. I don't always have this bright and happy demeanor. It's armor. It's a place to hide. It's a mask.

It's not even that I want them all to myself, especially since a few of the people I like are poly and I understand that and would never ever try to change that, but just some part of me wants something that's only mine. Is that selfish? Maybe it is. I would hope that it wouldn't hurt someone I care about. I would never want to hurt someone I treasure.

I keep so many things to myself out of fear of rejection. I've been rejected so many times for just being honest with my feelings that it's like a clamp around my throat when I try to talk about my emotions. It's easier to be sarcastic or just not talk about it at all. Or talk around it and slowly bring it up until it's no longer like swallowing tacks.

I'm happy for the people I have in my life and I'm happy for them when things go their way. I think I just get sad that I'm not apart of that happiness. That's selfish, too, right? And I know, selfishly, I want a piece of that happiness. I know I have to make myself happy first, it's just really fucking hard and I know no one ever said it was easy. Just right now, I don't know how much of myself I've been because of the dark hole I've fallen into. I'm just so worried about everything I feel like I'm on eggshells.

It's funny, when I'm at my most vulnerable, I find that I think I'm half in-love with someone who might not even have a clue. Or if they did, I think I would blush myself to death from embarrassment that I can't even own up to the feeling yet. I miss them a lot but try to give them space. I love when they are happy, I really do. I just want them happy.

It's funny and yet I know I'm so selfish.

And yet I know there are people who want me happy. I'm more selfish than I thought but I'm trying at least.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Some days, I'm filled with the hollow feeling that permeated my skin when you left. It happens when I talk about your poems, the ones you wrote me, and the knowledge that there will be no more. That the words are frozen in the past and none will tread past them; no more shall be published. But I am getting better, like I said I would.

It's time, I think, to start smiling more when I talk about you though it is difficult. I'll get there. I have good people to help me. I know you would just rolls your eyes and tell me I'm being silly, that you aren't worth so much effort or what have you.

But we are moving forward, slowly maybe, but we are moving at least.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Some news:

Some of the reason I haven't been on lately is my job. I'm exhausted every day I work, regardless of how long the shift is. It's a demanding job, so demanding that I've dropped about 7 pounds since I started working there about three weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, I like the fast pace and busyness but I'm just literally too tired to come on here as much as I used to. Once I have a more solid schedule, it might be easier to try to come back on more often, but until then, my attendance will be sporadic at best. I miss you guys and feeling like I can relax, and shoot the shit without literally falling asleep as soon as I lay in bed.

Happy Thanksgiving, though! Get stuffed!
 
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