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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, I'm just tired of the whole thing and now I don't want to attend group gatherings that I know he'll be at just because I'm the type to "snarl" more or less for someone being an immature asshat.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I say go and snarl at him. Make it such that HE is the one not going, not you. Fuck that noise. He's the one who did wrong, not you. He should be the one cowering in the corner and backing down. Don't let him get you down and change your plans. Go, be yourself and have fun. Don't let his ego and bloated head deter you. Screw 'im.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I'm an official college grad and going back to my job on monday, which is kind of sucky. I was enjoying my vacation.

But oh wells. Money!
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

That feeling when you still have feelings for someone but you know you shouldn't because it's totally pointless due to a slew of reasons.

Goddammit.

And also other stuff that just makes it worse. But you get over it. It just sucks at first.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

-pet-pats Hahvoc- It'll be okay, just focus on your Venus flytraps. They'll give you a slew of reasons to like them. I know. I've got one of my own.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Trust me, my roommate found a bug and was like "Can it eat it?" I thought of cutting it in half to feed my babies. <_< I'm a cruel, cruel person.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I haven't really been writing in here much and maybe whatever fanbase I have is grateful for the break. Hopefully. I dunno. <_< Lurkers.

Anyways, I graduated from college, still have a diabetic cat who "might be becoming hypoglycemic!" because of the stupid vets, still work at the library, and am hoping for a lot of change. Supposedly, this is to be my year of happiness that I've been missing for so long, but so far, the past 5 months of this year have been ridiculously disappointing. I'm tired all the time and just feel on edge whenever I talk to people about anything that even remotely bothers me. Or I'm just blank. I'm going to miss my roommate yet it's not like she's home that much anyways. Meh. I think I just need a reprieve from helping and waiting for everyone else. I wait for people. I always have because some niggling part of me demands me to hope and it ends up wrecking me for a long time. People take forever to change or you never really knew them in the first place.

I need things to take care of. I have plants I tend to and now I want something else, like a lizard or a hermit crab. Something, anything. I guess this stems from my need to be useful and have a purpose, to be relied upon for something. I need more in my life and someone in it but the cards just don't seem to be letting me win.

I don't know but I'll be changing some things. Hopefully...things will get better.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Welp, disabled my OKC account because it's growing pointless to have one. I'll see guys I'm interested in and never get messaged back, and when someone is interested in me that I have an interest in and there is an exchange of numbers, the contact tapers off into nothing. So I'm done trying to find someone.

It's starting to look obscenely bleak.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Started getting back into writing poetry/writing in general.

It's going to be awhile before I'm out of my depressive funk but I'm working on it slowly.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

A half-rant:

I love and loathe romance novels. I love them because of how a relationship can build and the characters develop, and how they've been hopeless/searching and find love, etc, etc. It's wonderful and makes me happy to read it.

HOWEVER.

I loathe them because in some of the books I read, they find all this happiness in joy in a matter of days or at the max, weeks. It's like...the fuck. Couldn't you make it a little more believable? Or more realistic? That's not to say people don't find "The one" and fall head over heels in a week and get married within months. That's happened to an aunt and uncle of mine so I can believe that. But within two weeks of meeting or so, they get married? Wut? Srs?

Romance novels are also a lie, to an extent, unless I'm just more cynical than I was when I first started reading them. [Which is true.]

Maybe it's also because it's like...damn, I get it's fiction but if it's supposedly so easy to find "The one" than how is it that shit hasn't gone well for me? Books have always held a special place for me, an escape, a dream, a fantasy, a hope for better. And it's childish to say, "It's not fair," but in essence, it is. It's like telling fairy tales: They don't come true. Yet I go back to the dream over and over because it's something to hold onto and try to keep the hope alive.

It's like bittersweet chocolate: You hate it because it's bitter but the sweetness that lingers leaves a soft note of wanting. It's hope, which can be a dangerous and beautiful thing to have.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I think I've finally reached the "Fuck it" stage of being single.

The "Fuck It" stage is when you stop caring about being single yet still have a bit of contempt for happy couples/still a bit of loneliness hanging on. It's a better place than I've been in and so I've just been slowly working on my mood and attitude. It would be nice to have a partner, but some of the texts and messages I get from people who are very important to me help ease the loneliness and make me feel special.

So overall, I'm okay.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Summer Plans: Design a pokeball bikini.
Lose 20-30 lbs.
Do squats.
Dance like I just don't care.
Dye my hair again.
Get some tattoos.
Take a trip.
Hopefully find and or keep my job/a job.
Design a Raichu bikini.
Build a Tardis entertainment Center.
Drink.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well I've completed two things on the list:

Get my hair cut/dyed.
Dance like I just don't care.

Working on everything else.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

An In-depth Update.

I'm trying. That's really all I can say about my life right now. I'm trying to push forward and better myself and things around me so I don't let the overwhelming urge to give up bring me down into the darkness. I've started working out again, though I've been slacking as I am prone to do. I'm trying to eat better and just try not to get too over my head with being healthier. I'm a die-hard junk-food addict, so eating better is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger. My skin is starting to clear up better thanks to my proactiv+ stuff that I bought so it's making me a little less stressed. I'm planning out tattoos to figure out what I can get this summer. I'm trying to move forward- completely- from a lot of pain and anger that has radiated throughout my life. I'm taking care of my plants and watching new venus flytraps sprout and open. It kind of makes me giddy to see new plants grow and open, blooming wickedly. They give me something to look forward to when I go home. I think I have about seven of them now with three more in the works. It makes me want to buy another pot of flytraps and see how quickly they grow and open.

I look for hope and love everywhere, trying not to be disappointed or upset with my singleness. It's hard sometimes, feeling like I'm just giving up on it all and becoming complacent, not happy, but just settled with my lot in life. I'm not settled or happy with it, but I guess, I can't really do much to change it right now. I'm striving for a better me before I can expect a better...well, anything else. I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I have my whole self on display in a museum and no one drops by my exhibit, as if they've seen it all before. It's not the best way to think but it is how it feels some days - that I'm weighed down by the insidious thought that I'm just not worth getting to know or look at, or even good enough to be someone's companion. I'm a romantic, a hopelessly hopeless romantic and have such dreams of a beautiful love that I sometimes laugh at the scenarios that pop into my head. Like I'm some poetic young girl, standing on a hill, [kind of like Belle] and knowing there has to be more for me out there. There just has to be.

I will improve but this melancholy attitude, cynicism, and romanticism are just part of who I am. I'm more lax than I used to be, but then I'm always tired.

This wasteland isn't endless, it just seems to be everywhere.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I still love you, but I'm with you on that hopeless romantic thing. I blame it on reading romance novels to young, because nothing ever fucking lives up to that and eventually to start losing faith in everyone. And then you start to question, "maybe I'm the one who has something wrong with them that I can't keep a relationship," yea... screw that theory right out of your head, cause you are beautiful, you are worth love, and the right person is out there for you somewhere. Just seems like they aren't because you have to weed through all of the liars, bullshiters, cheaters, beaters, and the ones who are just meant to be friends and nothing more. Right person will find you where and when you least expect it. So keep your head up and your heart strong, Ma Cheri, cause I know that person is searching for you.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*hugs Hahvy and Notte*

I second, third and fourth Notte's words. I've told you time and time again.... you are worth so very much and when that right person finds you, it will be the most amazing thing ever. It will be unlike anything most have ever even dared hoped for because you will cherish and treasure it far beyond the average person. And something tells me that they will as well. Call it a hunch. But yeah. You are beautiful inside and outside and whoever that person out there is that is meant to be with you... they will be damned lucky once you manage to find each other. Damned lucky. *hugs and loves*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*Cuddles with her girls and offers ice cream*

You know... as for me, I totally think my man is in Scotland. Or at least there is something there waiting for me. But, that's just me, and I might be crazy. But the way all of my exes and guys around here make me feel, well, lets just say I'd be more than happy to get away. And once I do, I wouldn't ever come back. Maybe I should win the lottery. Lol.

Really though love, your gorgeous and misunderstood and maybe your just to much heat and sexiness for the guys that you've met to be able to handle. Which just goes to show how unworthy they are of your awesomeness.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Show me your genitals, your genitals~ Show me your genitals~ genitalia~!

Sorry, that was just in my head. Anyways, moving along.

So, I'm becoming a drifter, at least that's how it feels to me. I have friends here and yet I don't particularly feel like we're friends nowadays. I used to talk to some people all the time and now I've just noticed they talk to others far more than they talk to me now. It's kind of just, well, I can't say I care or don't care now. I'm pretty neutral about the whole thing but have felt the drift for awhile. Communication is a two-way street and it seems that I've been walking it alone quite a bit lately. If the only way a friend interacts with me is if I "post something about my life" then I feel like that's just bullocks all around.

I'll carry on my duties and move on. It's really the only thing I can do.

Outside of this site, it's pretty much the same thing.

Pathetic, huh? I think so.

Eventually the fog will lift, and hopefully, the sights will be better.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

If you get on skype or something, I could talk to you more often. >.> I know I'm not like, your biggest friend or anything but um... Well, at least you know that I'm not one of the ones who talks more to other people. Mainly because I don't talk to anyone, ever, hah.

Though, honestly, I never know what to talk about when it comes to conversation which might be part of the reason why I'm so antisociable, all I ever do is play videogames and my 'life-related' news are kind of infrequent and not very interesting! Except when I have drama now and then, and I'm honestly starting to feel bad about shoveling drama at you like it's coal and you're a furnace. (What kind of analogy was that?)

Anyways yeah. If you want to talk sometime, just get on skype? You can poke me first if I don't poke you, because that'll probably mean I'm playing a game or something. (Surprise surprise) Just be aware that I leave skype on/appear online (too lazy to put myself as away) all the time... So I could also be sleeping/upstairs/away from home (for the rare times I am) so don't get upset if I don't respond right away! If I'm sitting at the computer, I'll most definitely respond, promise!
 
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