RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.
Trying to describe certain feelings I have is like trying to learn exactly why part of me is the way that I am. Sometimes, I really can't find the words- even if they are there in my mind. As much as I have searched internally to find how I tick, some of me is still a mystery, and might remain so. I know myself extremely well, but sometimes I wonder why I react the way I do. I review what I said, how it could have been said differently, what else I could have done, etc. I don't regret these moments- I have no regrets in my life- but sometimes I wonder what exactly triggers some of my reactions. Sometimes I don't. It's one of those weird thought-processes I have. Just like how sometimes I see things in my imagination as a cartoon or realistic. Sometimes when someone describes something to me that happened to them- it is pictured in my mind as a cartoon. Not necessarily a masterpiece or anything, but a cartoon nonetheless. And yet when I imagine something I want and desire (such as a fantasy) it is almost real enough for me to touch and feel on my skin.
I wouldn't say I'm complex and yet I would. I like simple things but sometimes do things in complex ways that could be simplified. Sometimes I go roundabout ways to think over something, repeating phrases over and over in context and out of context to get the proper idea settled. Sometimes I get straight to it, look it over, and BAM! There is it. Or sometimes I start at the end of the story and work my way backwards- which I tend to do when telling about something that happened. Starting at the end and working towards the beginning somehow makes it easier to say something when I'm speaking. Yet sometimes I start in the middle, go to the end, and then go back to the beginning. It's weird when I think about it, yet it makes sense to me- like I'm looking for any sort of details I may have missed so I start from the end rather than the beginning. Or the middle as the case maybe. Strange, no?
When describing how I feel about someone, sometimes it's pretty cut and dry. I tolerate them or I don't. I like them or I don't. I care about them or I don't. But sometimes it gets more complex than that. Why? Because of one memory or another or something along those lines. With a few friends of mine, I could care less about what they do, where they are, etc...and could easily cut them from my life- yet I still care about them. Confusing? Maybe. Maybe it's more like I tolerate them because despite not supporting the things they do, I see the good in them when others don't. Or maybe I'm trying to keep from being lonely. Either way, some of my friends I keep around by my own will- otherwise they wouldn't be around at all. But delving deeper into the emotional spectrum makes things more...blurred. Accepting the faults of others can be tiring or it can be rewarding. Who doesn't have faults? Being able to accept those faults makes a person good, yes? Or is it because you have to? With me, I analyze the faults my friends have and try to see if I can handle them or not. Depending on the answer, the friendship is dulled down to whether I can deal with them being involved in my life because -despite their faults- they are still feeling, living human beings whom I happen to come to know and understand. But then Trust is brought into the picture.
Trust is the basis of most, if not all, relationships. Trust is a startling issue with me because despite being able to accept people and their flaws, it doesn't mean I can trust them with information that I harbor. Being friends and being friends are two different things. I may be your friend, but what exactly do you know about me? You know only what I let you be privy to. Sometimes we can be friends for years and I tell you something you've never even known- such as a friend of mine who never knew I attempted suicide when I was 13 and had been my friend since I was a child. Being a selectively secretive person can sometimes cause rifts in friendships - so I try to be as open as I can be. In a way, I'm a very open person- but try to delve deeper beyond the surface I leave exposed and I close up like a locked door.
And yet, I have instances- gut feelings- that I can't keep myself locked up against certain people. It's a reaction I have still been unable to explain. My family is closed off from certain aspects of my life because- quite simply- they wouldn't be able to handle that information. With my ex-lover, I kept most of that same information from him because of fear, mistrust, a certain feeling that I couldn't quite be as open as he asked me to be - which I was right about in the long run. But regardless, back on topic. This feeling of being exposed layer by layer is probably the scariest thing to handle. It means I have to try to trust based on an instinct that is unexplainable. Which leads me back to the certain feelings I have that are hard to explain..
I was in love once with someone- who at the time- was a wonderful person. Looking back on our relationship, there were a lot of problems I overlooked, shied away from, denied, etc. Love can be quite blind- or perhaps hopeful that the person who acts sweet will remain so. But he is my ex for a reason- he couldn't handle me nor could he handle the fact that I was growing up quicker than he could deal with. That issue has been laid to rest. But now, now I'm semi-lost.
I trust this new person in such a way it blows my mind and terrifies me all at once. I worry all the time that I may hurt him enough to damage him, but he assures me I cannot. But how can that be true? Throughout my life I've been told I hurt people- that I'm worthless, horrid, etc. So in my fragility, I fear the worst: harming someone I love to the point of no return. But the other reason this plagues me is because...he has the ability to hurt me just the same because of this trust and care. Does it scare me? Of course it does. But I want to believe in this. In what we have because something, some instinct, tells me to. That with this person, I won't have to be afraid. I won't have to hide. I won't have to run or bottle myself away. That I can be as open as I can without fear of rejection- because who ever wants that? To be rejected for who they are by someone they love?
He can be frustrating, goofy, silly, charming, childish, wonderful, and overall...my perfect match. My kind of perfect. He doesn't need to be perfect, doesn't try to be perfect, but to me, he is perfect. He's the key to healing my damaged heart and trust. How do I know? I feel it every time he smiles. I feel it every time he makes me laugh. I feel it every time he tells me I'm the only one for him. I feel it every time he tells me I'm his forever. He brings out the best in me and makes me want to try to better myself even though he never asks me to do anything but be myself. With my issues, sometimes I feel like it will all fade away from a bittersweet dream for how can such a man exist for me to love? Or to love me in return? How can someone exist that makes me feel like...I'm enough for them? That I'll always be enough for them? That I may make mistakes but I won't disappoint them because I live up to those mistakes and learn from them? That somehow they accept everything about me? that even with all my flaws, my problems, my constant attempt to distance myself from something so beautiful because I don't want to ruin it, that they can still take all that and still say, "I love everything about you"? It's one of the few things that leaves me breathless.
Maybe I'm not so broken or bruised. And maybe, just maybe, I can be and am all those wonderful things he thinks I am.
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