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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Investments​

Since we all seem to be thinking/talking about investments, I decided to write some of my own thoughts down that have been plaguing me about said investments. Some food for thought, I suppose. Life can get pretty chaotic and I confided in a friend that not everything is all right with me. That I worry about being as strong as I know I am - if not stronger than what I might believe. So I'll talk about my current investments and what my thoughts are that revolve around them.

The Boyfriend

BMR Friends

The boyfriend is my biggest concern. I love him dearly, I do. But sometimes I wonder, "Is it all worth it?" and then I hear his voice on the phone and it's like the calm after the storm. I feel so much more settled and more like myself. He's a big part of what my world has become. I really feel like I can't live without him because of how much he means to me. It's not that he's the focus of everything I do, but he is the piece of me that's been missing all this time that I wasn't exactly sure I was looking for. It's hard to come to terms with this because of how far he is. It sucks beyond measure how much it hurts to be without him. It physically drags me down some days if I let it. I thought loving my ex had been amazing. This is pretty damn close to magic. I've never loved someone as much as him.

We're both trying to cope. It's not that we have to try to make it work because we work. We do. Coping is the biggest problem. I feel more settled by touch than anything else and lately, I haven't been able to even get something so simple as hugs from people that I really need hugs from. Some people need communication to feel better. Me? I need physically connection. It doesn't need to be sexual, just comforting and simple. It almost brings me to tears how badly I just want to hold his hand to just be sure that he's really there on the other side of the phone line. I know it's him and everything, but it's hard to just have all this faith. Trust and Faith and I have a hate-hate relationship. But I'm working on it. He and I are both damaged, but we're fixing each other in the ways we know how: by just being us. We understand each other's problems and issues better than anyone else. Because we've been through a lot of them even if they were at separate times in our lives.

Someone told me, "We aren't meant to be alone alone." And he's right. I was alone for a very long time and my heart decided enough was enough. Sure, I loved my ex, but I still felt alone with him next to me. This is different. I only feel alone because he's not next to me. It's unique to feel like this. To feel like I have a place where I belong. But it still has it's problems. I'm just learning to deal in my own way.

BMR Friends are something of a new concept. I've made plenty of friends over the last two years I've been here, but it seems the most recent ones have my bigger investments. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, but the people I've become fast friends with are the people I talk to the most besides a select few. It's strange to want to connect with them as much as possible without becoming a prat and annoying. Sometimes when they say something, I feel so transparent because most of my IRL friends, the ones who see me every day, wouldn't even think those things of me and hit the mark. I'm more fragile than I think. I can crumble so easily it scares me a little. For all my strengths, I can be so weak when it comes to trust.

I can honestly say I love my newer friends. We don't have to have been friends that long for me to love you in some way. It's an odd thing with me. I can't trust all that well, but loving people is easy, it seems. I don't love myself, but I do like myself - which is so much better than what I used to think. I see the things in people that I admire and just end up loving all of what they are - even their flaws. Maybe because I'm trying to help myself to get to that level - to love myself a little. And it gives me hope to know my friends have people they want to spend their lives with. It makes me feel better and more centered.

I'm like a butterfly with that stuff - I just drift to the gravity they create by just being themselves and loving. I guess, some part of me wants to be apart of it. Or witness it. Or something of that nature. Probably because growing up, my parents fought like crazy after their divorce and then my father was a miserable bastard. My mom got married and I love my stepdad - but seeing the way my father behaved because of his loneliness made me want to be around people who had more hope than I did. Despite my young age, I was morphed by his misery that he caused himself. I didn't want to be that alone, but I figured, I would be just as alone as he was in the long run. At least he got re-married to someone he loves - even if he is an idiot.

What else is there to say? Perhaps that the people in my life are special. I've felt like I'm in a losing battle and that my IRL friends will keep dwindling until I have none left. Maybe that's why I'm so invested in the friends I've made here. They see things others don't see and just care about me for who I am. I really do care for them - more than I thought I would. I worry when I don't hear from them, and worry over them. One of them is a wonderful woman I have different feelings for and makes me feel special every day she talks to me. It's different feeling to want to make her happy like I make my boyfriend happy. And that the people I feel most connected to - I want them happy always.

Maybe I love them more than I should. I'm not sure. Liking them is a different story, right? I'm branching out in different ways with them and trying to find my own boundaries. I was so caged before and now that I can fly, I'm testing out my limits. I worry about upsetting my love, but I know that he is patient and understanding even if he's not sure how to deal with the things I want. He tries. That's all I can ask, and I try for him, too. Because that's all we can do. All we can do is try to understand and support each other no matter what.

My boyfriend is my best friend. And I couldn't ask for better friends on this site than I have.​
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I read this and a smile came to my face. Everyone deserves happiness and I'm really glad that you are starting to find some and that its coming from multiple different avenues. Loving that "special" someone is never an easy street. The work involved sometimes feels like its too much but then you have those moments that wash it all away and remind you that it is. Communication is the key to everything, ultimately, and it looks like the two of you do a great job of that. It makes everything else that follows a little easier. As for trust and faith, as long as I've known you, you've been open about struggling with it. I've even experienced that first hand a time or two. That's ok though - we all have things we struggle with and acknowledgment of that is the first step towards getting better in that area. I'm glad you've made some new friends that help make that easier and that fulfill you so well. It's a wonderful thing to see happen in a friend!
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

>.> <.< Am I a new friend too? 'cause it's been a while since we met so I don't know if we can call that new. XD

<3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

DareToDream said:
I read this and a smile came to my face. Everyone deserves happiness and I'm really glad that you are starting to find some and that its coming from multiple different avenues. Loving that "special" someone is never an easy street. The work involved sometimes feels like its too much but then you have those moments that wash it all away and remind you that it is. Communication is the key to everything, ultimately, and it looks like the two of you do a great job of that. It makes everything else that follows a little easier. As for trust and faith, as long as I've known you, you've been open about struggling with it. I've even experienced that first hand a time or two. That's ok though - we all have things we struggle with and acknowledgment of that is the first step towards getting better in that area. I'm glad you've made some new friends that help make that easier and that fulfill you so well. It's a wonderful thing to see happen in a friend!
Click to expand...

Thanks. <3

And Zal, you know I love you. xD
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I've found that when I work out, I like the treadmill more than I thought I would. However, I've said to many people my mind works a mile a minute. When I use the treadmill I focus on my breathing, my music, my distance/time/calories/speed, my feet hitting the treadmill track, and anything else that manages to snag my attention- all at once. I'm a multitasker like that. My mind needs to be occupied. However, I don't need unwanted distractions like assholes running like idiots on the treadmill next to me. I usually use the last treadmill because it allows less negative distraction. Today, however, I had to be in between two people. One guy wasn't bad since he just ran and I didn't have to worry about - the other was a prick and kept distracting me from doing my distance properly.

Also, I managed to upset my calf muscle this morning so it made my run harder. I thought it would be fine by late afternoon - instead, it made my Shin Splints show up. Those fuckers hurt. Despite that, I still managed to make a better time today - even if it was by only a minute. I felt really good, but I hated that it took so much energy out of me because it usually doesn't. Tomorrow I might try to run for a little bit. We'll see how my ankle fairs.

My arms hurt from using them - which I actually like. It means I'm finally working them out. They aren't painful exactly, but achy enough to know that I've actually been using them and can start toning them up to my liking. My legs hurt but that's all right with me. I'm gonna try a smaller incline with a faster speed to see if I can get two miles in. If not, that's okay. I'm just gonna try until I can get faster and more distance covered in my treadmilling~ I wish we had gone for an hour, but there were too many people there and it's a small gym. I'll have to start trying to do ab exercises though.

My thoughts are kind of jumbled because I'm so tired. It's not one of those "yeah, it was a good day" kind of tired feeling, I'm just exhausted. Working out is a plus and makes me feel good, but since I had to go later in the day, that feeling didn't last very long. I'm gonna start trying to add in more work out stuff at home like dance stuff since it should work out my whole body.

I really didn't expect to write this much, but that's just how it goes. The words are just flying from my fingers and it isn't really anything that I can control. I never really can when I get into a typing mood like I am right now. I want snuggles, I want hugs, I want a nice massage, and a bubble bath. However, I can't get any of those. It really sucks. I'm gonna take a shower in the morning to revitalize. I don't know if I will be online after work. If I am, maybe for only a half hour so I can get some sleep.

I miss my friends. I hate that our schedules conflict so much that I can't really see them. I miss talking to people more than I thought I would. I wish I had my boyfriend waiting for me at home. I wish I could hang out with some of my BMR buddies and have a snuggle pile. I wish I didn't always feel like I'm in a box that is outside of the box that is reality. I never really feel like I fit anywhere. It makes me wonder if I was born in the wrong century. As much as I adapt, I never quite fit in. I make room for myself and make others bend around me. It sounds strange when I put it that way, but I feel like I make friends without meaning to do so - or hell- wanting to do so. It makes me wonder if I just have that kind of gravity I feel other people have that I lack. Maybe I'm just the kind of calm people are looking for. I don't know.

I say "I wish" too much. But I'm working on it. I say I want to be thinner so I'm working on it. I say I want things and I work on them. Sure, it would be nice if they were instantaneous but they can't be or go on a different schedule and I can't control it. I wish I wasn't so closed off but I'm fixing it. I wish I wasn't so open sometimes either. Sometimes I feel like I just talk forever and never really say anything and yet I know when I say something, I know that what I'm saying has some merit. I never get really confused by anything but myself and my thoughts. They shuffle around on me constantly. Sometimes they warp. Sometimes they bend. Sometimes they completely change into one seamless stream of brain matter.

As I said, I'm tired and this is what my mind usually comes up with. Thoughts a mile a minute.
 
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