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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It just helps sometimes to have someone as a sound board for my thoughts.

I'm not really used to "pieces" missing cause I would easily cut ties with people who threatened my equilibrium. I'm not as cynical or as cutthroat about it as a I used to be, but I guess it just is weird. My closest friends right now are from this site and some of the them aren't of course. But it just gets to me sometimes. Ya know?

I'm probably over-analyzing. The schedule conflicts and different distances don't help. Guess I took for granted the advantage of having close friends and now having to deal with distant ones. sucks.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I'm tired of this horrible feeling. Like I'm waiting for them to come home when, in fact, there isn't a home for them to go to. Or should I rephrase, there wasn't a home to begin with. I put too much emotion into this, too much suddenness for closeness and want for something grand. This is why I don't let myself care too deeply about the people surrounding me. Because I get anxiety and feel miserable without them around. It's like a drug that I can't get off of. That I can't stop taking. I hate it. I don't like this dependency. My insecurities sometimes creep in and taint the sickness that already arises within me. Am I even good enough to be kept around? I feel so easily cast aside like a used up toy that's been replaced by something better. Some how the words don't come out right, or maybe they are and just fade into silence.

Am I so starved for affection, love, and rightness that I look where I am not wanted? Or better yet, not necessary? There are few solutions to this illness that reaches like winter-chilled fingers into my skin. I want to tear myself apart and start over again. I can't. I've done it so many times but it seems too hard to remake what I am into something better. Someone less dependent. Someone less hurt. Someone less reliant and stronger. Someone less insecure and desperate.

I may not mutilate the skin that craves the pain to make blood run down in living surrender. But I'm a masochist all the same, it seems. Just none can see the fresh cuts that score me.

People need companions to survive.

But do I want to survive?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Honestly, I'm not sure any reason would be stupid. Whether or not I, or anyone else, thought it made sense or was important enough is irrelevant. It has meaning for you and that keeps it from being stupid.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Because it has some meaning to me makes it stupid since, there shouldn't be any power in the words from an abandoning asshole and people who hated me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

One day the words of the past won't have any power over you but it won't happen over night or even over ten years most likely. It's a very long journey for some and you've been making progress in just the year that I've known you.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I know I've made some progress.

It just hurts and sucks that the people I would like to talk to, aren't really around/too busy/don't seem like they actually want to talk to me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, I know we only just met a couple of weeks ago, and I don't know your circumstances or the situation that's upsetting you, but I just thought you should know that always enjoy talking to you. I know that's a far cry from what you're talking about and I'm sorry that you have to go through that, that you have to struggle with those emotions. Just know that I count you as a friend, and I'm always there for a friend.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Now, that last part I agree with re: it sucking. It's life though unfortunately. I highly doubt they don't want to talk to you though. Personally, I always enjoy talking to you. We're either cutting up and having fun or we're having super serious discussions that make me think.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

No, no, I absolutely understand. I wouldn't do that either and I wouldn't expect, nor want you to do that. I could cause more problems for you. What I said still holds true. My thought on friends is that they are sent to us to help us get through the difficult times we couldn't otherwise make it through on our own.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I wanna rip my hair out because of how bad/low my mood has gotten. I just need some company, tea, and some good sleep.

Please let me sleep tonight and let it be good sleep for once.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Do you prefer southern sweet iced tea? I can make up a batch in two snaps! Or, maybe some hot Chamomile tea? Sleepy Time? Peppermint? :D I like tea. Can you tell? Then, vent=company and afterward, sleep... and hopefully some very pleasant sleep. :)
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Lol. Thanks, Corvus. I'll hop on vent when I'm done with work and make myself some tea...oh wait, no milk. Fuuuck.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

--+Hahvoc Requiem+-- said:
Lol. Thanks, Corvus. I'll hop on vent when I'm done with work and make myself some tea...oh wait, no milk. Fuuuck.
Click to expand...

What? Milk in your tea? :s I have to say, I have never had milk in my tea. Is it good? What's it taste like?
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Depends on the tea, really. Some tea tastes terrible when milk is added. Some are enhanced. Like, fruitier teas, at least to me, taste off when milk is added. Though they can be wonderful if you add honey or lemon or just drink it straight. Some taste better when you add spices too, like cinnamon or nutmeg. But really, it all depends on the tea. Regardless, I can pretty much drink any tea straight.

Can you tell I love tea? >.<
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I like my tea black. Even if it's naturally yellow or red.
 
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