Patreon LogoYour support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)

Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Issues of the Angry Variety​

So, I think with some of my bursts of apathy that have been sprouting up again-like in high school-that my anger problems are reanimating themselves. I'm more tired than I've been in years (since high school) and more prone to my fuse being lit when it's already short once it gets struck. It takes a lot to piss me off, but lately I've been sort of easily set off into irritation mode. And no, this is not PMS or anything like that.

I feel like every time I finally catch a break and then return to real life, shit goes wrong. It's not depressing me like it used to do, it's just straight out pissing me off. Despite my awesome time with Chris, he did lots of little things that just aggravated the shit out of me. Yes, he would make up for it by being sweet and gentle, but it was like, "why do it in the first place? you know I don't like it." I get he was trying to play around- but repeating something over and over is no longer joking. It's fucking rude. But at least he apologized for that shit. It doesn't do well to piss me off and think I'll just let it go. I get even and then let it go on my terms.

It also doesn't help that a friend of mine is being a stupid moron. She's moving to Long Island to be with her boyfriend(whom she met over Call of Duty Live) for all the wrong reasons- and she knows it. She doesn't even really know him. And she didn't deny when I told her she doesn't love him. She likes him, but it's not love. She didn't try to defend that point even though she told me a few times she did before this conversation. I wasn't taking that shit so she didn't give me any bull. She's not mature enough for it, which she agreed with and she believes that the two of them can grow up together. Her parents think it's perfectly fine for her to move because she's 'happy.' I don't give a shit if you are happy, don't do stupid shit that is almost guaranteed to fuck up your life. I pretty much acted like the parent for her because her parents didn't actually talk to her about it. Didn't actually sit down with her and ask her what she was thinking. They pretty much went, "well, okay. You are 20 after all." WTF. Wrong. She even told me it wasn't okay with her that her parents did that.

I told her my side of the argument and she was thankful that I didn't yell at her but just told her straight up how I felt about the whole thing. I wished her the best and that's all I could really do. I hope it doesn't turn into a giant mistake but it is her life and her mistake to make. I'm just worried as shit that I'll get that one phone call I really don't want to get from her because I do want it to work out for her. I want her happy even if I don't support her decision. I support her as a person and just hope things work out.

But that's just my main issue. There are little things but I'm just too tired to really bother with more ranting. ​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Update
​
Well, said friend in above post is now engaged. And seems to be doing well. I hope she stays in that state of bliss I seem to be witnessing on all her facebook statuses. Must be nice.

As for me, well, for me it's all the same. I go to work, come over, go back online, and sleep and do it all over again. I got back in touch with an old friend so I hang out with them on weekends to break up the monotony and it's fun. I got drunk a few weeks ago and had a good time and didn't need to worry about anyone for once in my life. Though I did worry still, at least there were some sober people there to help out. And drinking the other night proved I need to eat before I drink or I get sick even if I'm not drunk yet.

Nothing is really going on except going on a road trip in a few weeks, which will be nice since I love driving around. I can drive for hours without a problem or a need to go find something to do. It's a certain freedom I enjoy greatly. That just reminds me I need washer fluid and my oil changed...I'll do that on wednesday.

There isn't much to talk about nowadays. Some of my writing muse has taken a break and the other part has blossomed- mostly my poetry writing. It took another break and will probably start up again soon but for now I'm enjoying my reading time and taking it slow.

I'm alone and only sometimes lonely. But it isn't so unbearable now.​
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

My Rant

Dear Jesska- You Dumb Bitch. [Also a little about my retarded roommate]

We used to be good friends until you started to go psycho after denying for almost a year that your ex-boyfriend raped you. I was worried since you were changing from the person I loved into someone I could barely tolerate. I know that shit affects people- but you didn't "get over it and let yourself 'heal'" you chose to wallow in it and go to therapy but not take their advice. You weak-willed idiot. It didn't stop you from moving from boyfriend to boyfriend and sleeping with every one of them about a week into it but because you were "together" it didn't make you a whore. You "loved" them.

I forgave your behavior because I love you, because you were trying to deal in your own way with what had happened. I was afraid that you would totally dissolve into someone you hated- and I didn't want you to hate yourself because the rape hadn't been your fault. But my friendship could only be stretched so far and wide before you stepped over your boundaries. And I let it slide the first time you did when you broke my roommate's heart back in high school and DARING TO SAY TO HIS FACE that he was acting like your ex-boyfriend when that was a total and blatant lie. You just wanted to find a reason to dump him because he would have made you face yourself and you wanted to keep on pretending that nothing was wrong and every thing was "peachy keen." After that, you stopped going to therapy even though we all begged you to go back. And how you went about dating him is a whole 'nother story.

When we graduated high school, we tried to stay in touch, but I was off to college and you were just going to work. You didn't have the best family to live with, but they seemed to really care about you and I liked going over your house. But then we drifted away even further because of what happened with my ex. I still love that you were there for me and I thought we could get back what we had but you showed me we couldn't go back- you were too different and I was growing up.

I tried to stay in touch with you, but you were always busy, or I was in class that day. And we knew that was probably how it was going to be. We talked occasionally on facebook, but it seemed like you were making more and more excuses. I knew you were busy, so I let that go. You had moved to your own place and getting by on your own- I was proud that you could do that and that you held onto a relationship for more than two months and seemed pretty happy. I hoped it would show that you were finally letting yourself heal.

And then you found out you had a miscarriage while at work. I was terrified for you and couldn't believe that happened to you. But you let it overwhelm you- and make you desperate to get pregnant again. The doctors had told you before that you probably wouldn't get pregnant so the miscarriage was a huge shock and surprise. I felt awful that I couldn't go and see you but you didn't want anyone there to watch you fall apart. I understand that. But I still wished you had talked to me more.

And then you broke up with your boyfriend, got pregnant again, and decided to marry your baby's daddy. After two weeks of dating. I knew you wouldn't make it through two months of being with him and lo-and-behold! I was right. Jon and I were both right. You asked me to be your bridesmaid but how can you say yes when there won't be a wedding and you just happen to know it? And then you were single for awhile and seemed to be doing well. I randomly asked if you doing all right and how the baby was. I didn't think you would make a good mother- considering your outbursts- moody attitude that was borderline bipolar- and flaky relationships. You needed to grow up a little more- but I know why you wanted your baby. You wanted someone to love you unconditionally and who couldn't leave you.

And now we're at this. We're not friends because you think I'm "too negative" and "way too judgmental." I said one statement that is true for most people: "well, some of the drama is your own fault. But I get what you mean." Wow. Just wow. And then you say I haven't tried to talk with you? It's a two-way street, honey buns. You haven't been putting much effort into it either. I overlooked a lot of shit you did because I thought you were still trying to get it right in your head that you weren't fucked up or broken or anything like that because of your ex. But you are messed up and you are a huge fucking brat when you don't get your way.

You want people to think you don't make mistakes and that they should baby you when you have problems. Which I won't do. And everytime something went wrong that I predicted, you would whine that I had been right all along. SUCKS, DOESN"T IT?! Because I actually pay attention to shit. I've actually grown up. I'm actually mature. You aren't ready for this baby, but I do hope that baby makes you realize something: That you aren't the center of the universe and that you grow the fuck up and learn to provide for this kid. I hope no one has to call DSS on you for being a reckless mother. I hope your life improves and that your current boyfriend is up to the challenge of taking care of you and the kid because your kid SHOULD COME FIRST.

I'm done being nice to you since you pretty much tossed me aside and said, "You've never been there for me." Which is complete bullshit. I hope you realize your mistake but then again- probably not. I just know if you ever try to contact me, I'll fucking laugh. I'll. Fucking. Laugh. You don't deserve my kindness after what you pulled the past 7 years. I love you, but I'm done. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

[Rant]

I'm tired of where I live. Yet I can't move out yet. The lease goes up in January and I'm gonna fucking celebrate when I can move out. After that...Jon and I won't be friends. I can't be friends with a stranger who comes and goes without any notice. And no, I don't expect to be able to control him. I'm not his mother. A note would be nice. I haven't seen him for a week. He's hanging out with his girlfriend all the time. It's understandable to me that he would, but he got pissed at me when I suggested that you know, he actually let me know he was gonna show instead of saying he would and not show up. He was like, and I quote: "I had some shitty news dropped on me and I had 2 go 2 a good friends funeral so I don't care that I didn't txt u I had a lot of stuff going on 2day," that had to do with friday and not the thursday- aka day before- that he was suppose to come back.

All I did was ask him to let me know if he was gonna show up. that's it. I wasn't being nasty. I wasn't being bitchy. I was just concerned. And btws, he always says "Shit comes up so he couldn't," and gets pissy at me like I'm supposed to know. I don't know. He doesn't tell me a fucking thing. He owes my landlord 850$. 850. He said he would be able to take care of it and he slacked off so much that he owes that much money. He lies to me about being able to take care of it and has now decided that he doesn't need to pick up the phone when I call or return my calls if I decide to call him. He doesn't talk to me about anything anymore- not really. I decided not to get angry about it anymore because in reality- he's starting to die in my eyes.

I used to have a best friend who I decided to live with. It seemed to go okay, and then he started to change. Like he finally realized it wasn't just a game to live on his own- that he had to be a big boy and make big boy decisions. That he couldn't just do whatever the fuck he wanted because he actually had responsibilities unlike how he didn't at home. Turns out he's spoiled, doesn't listen to anyone unless it benefits him in some way, and tunes people out when he doesn't care to listen to what they have to say and just yes's them to death. I live with a stranger who only has some resemblance to my best friend. When he decides to live at the apartment.

I'm just done with crying because of his constant lies. I'm tired of him yelling at me or tuning me out. I'm tired of him saying he'll do something and then never do it. I'm tired of it all. My mom is tired of him upsetting me and tired of hearing that he lied to me again. She actually relented on letting me have my own place- and by own place I mean, by myself. So there's that. I'm just tired of it all. I feel like he drained out all my energy and I just can't take it anymore. I'm putting him at a distance. It's the best thing. I can only take so much before you are nothing to me anymore because it's clear I don't mean a thing to you.

I just hope he treats his girlfriend decently. But who knows. Not my problem.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

In my experience with roommates, you don't control your roommate's comings and goings, but it's only polite to say something about what you're doing. If only because you're sharing your plans and schedule with the person you live with. Completely cutting them out, becoming a stranger to them... that's just bad planning, and a bad idea.

You don't have to be family with every roommate. In fact, some emotional distance isn't a bad thing. However, there's basic politeness and respect that needs to exist between people in close quarters. And it seems like your roommate has given up on that. Fuck him, then. :(
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You'll appreciate it a lot more babe :/ I promise. Yeah there are pressures that it's all yours but in the same coin it's all yours. Your rules, you don't have to tell somebody when -you- are going to be home, unless you have someone crashing with you. And then in that same hand you can actually decide who can come over.

I love my apartment - it's MY space. Ya know? D:
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Yeah. I'll probably get another kitty when I move just so I won't get too lonely if I don't end up going out a lot.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I vote to set the him ablaze.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

untitled6.jpg
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Dear Stupid Bastard of a Roommate:

I will not, and I repeat, WILL NOT be footing the bill on your lack of payments. You are responsible for paying rent just as much as I am, but I will not clean up your mess by paying the landlord what YOU OWE. You can ask your parents to do that since they clean up all your messes.

As far as I am concerned, you have the responsibility to our landlord to pay what you owe him after how nice he has been to me as well as you. Most landlords would have thrown either you out or both of us at this point because of your lateness/lack thereof of payments. Keep hiding out at your parents house because you'll be getting a call from said landlord about your LEGAL OBLIGATIONS. As in, you are bound by contract and law to pay him money to live on his property. I will not be held accountable for your stupidity and childish behavior. Grow the fuck up and give him the money you owe, you selfish prick.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Lol. If only. Nah, he wouldn't bother to take it into consideration. I haven't spoken with him in a week.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Instead of getting drunk on my birthday, I had a fight with someone.

Instead of having an amazing birthday, it was mediocre.

Instead of having lots of friends surrounding me, I hung out with one person.

Instead of being happy of being able to legally drink, I feel like I aged five years and more confused than I've ever been.

And the party I'm supposed to be having today is turning into me having a few drinks by myself and being on the computer.

Yeah.

This year is great.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*hugs Hahvy*
If I recall... my 21st sucked too. I believe I ended up cleaning puke out of the car b/c I was the soberest one. bleh. So, welcome to the club. Hopefully, you'll find you're in good company??? <33333

And here's to having a kick ass 22nd! Just remember, it's only a year. Merely a number. Doesn't change the fact that you have new things open to you now that you're a year older than before nor does it change the fact that you're a kick ass awesome person who is adored by several. :)

*hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

The Story Thus Far..
(Yes, it's all in pokemon reference. Bahahaha.)

Raichu recently turned 21 and was disappointed. She didn't feel all that special or great (though her brother Scyther did buy her lots o' booze). But that wasn't the whole reason why she was upset. Other things happened, too..

Summer causes a lot of things to happen. People break free from the daily grind of school, work, and responsibility. They go on vacation, they make new friends, they explore new places, and fall in love with people they didn't expect. This happened for her. She wasn't expecting it, was too afraid to think about it, so she had held him at bay - lying to herself and to him (though, she hadn't been really lying but he had sure been persistent). She'd been stupid before- just wanting someone to tell her the truth and not play games. She knew what love was. She'd been there before and hadn't loved for a long, long time. So when he started knocking on her pokeball, she didn't want to come out and play. She rejected Charizard and his fiery words.

"Lets just be friends." She had said.

How could she have known she couldn't stay away from him? Or keep the boundaries she herself had once set? Still, he remained, spewing fire and laughter and flapping his wings all showy like. But it wasn't until she'd already fallen before she realized how much he meant to her. How much he cared. For all his nonchalant ways, he never lied. He never diverged from the truth. He always said exactly how he felt and what he wanted without bullshit- minus the whole "I'm just an average pokemon." He was so not average!

But as summer grew, so did her feelings which she tried so hard to deny and bury. But she wasn't the type to bury her head in the sand, well, not really. It was so hard to talk about her feelings - to trust like that. She knew without a doubt- that he would sweep her off her feet. He'd take her over in the more final of ways. She knew that she wouldn't be able to fight what was planned. She knew in her gut that Charizard would make her fall in love with him. And fell in love she did.

They had their problems- their little arguments. They made it work out. Who would have thought electricity and fire mixed so well? Their love exploded- they tried so hard not to tell. Not yet. But soon the words slipped out and they couldn't be taken back. Their fate was sealed. They spoke of sharing a pokeball one day. Having little pokebabies. What all pairs talk about for a future that seems so distant yet so close.

But then disaster struck and Raichu was very hurt. Very, very hurt. Charizard had done something stupid- something that might change everything. But Raichu didn't want to believe that he could have done something like that.

"It was before we got together," he said, with hurt and tears in his eyes.

She cried. She thought everything might be ruined. She was angry- so angry she was sparking. How could he have been so stupid? She knew pokemon made mistakes- they all did- but she hadn't expected one like this. That the egg of a Wobbuffet might be his. She didn't believe it was so and that the pokebitch was lying. Charizard was hers, and hers alone. She wasn't gonna share- wouldn't share.

But she had thought of leaving Charizard. She had thought of running away, much as it hurt her heart. Raichu didn't know what to make of the situation. It may have happened before them and Charizard hadn't been in his right mind, but it affected them now. Affected her. But she didn't leave him. But she was in a daze for days. She didn't know how to look at him, or talk to him, or touch him. Things weren't the same. But after awhile, she forgave him. She loved him too much to let what they had break down into nothing after what they had gone through- what they had promised. Her heart was his. There was no way around it. She couldn't just leave because some pokebitch was spewing that the egg was his.

They had to work together on it. They had to be there for each other. He was sorry for hurting her- hadn't expected this to happen. He had been safe, he had made sure. But neither of them was convinced it was his egg. And so they made up, were still worried, but had made things right between the two of them. Whatever happened, they would face it together. No matter what.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Things seem to be looking up, even though things are still hard to bear. I dislike being without him that sometimes it's painful to think about exactly how faraway he is. But I cope. It's just a waiting game until things improve and I'm all better. I'm surprised at how quickly this semester went by. I only have seven days of classes left. It's such a shocker, but I'm so ready for next semester to begin. I have a lot of work to do within the next few days and will be running myself ragged, but I'll be okay. As much as typing all my thoughts out can help sort them, there is nothing that replaces the glide of pen ink across a blank sheet of paper. Something about holding something more real and tangible in my hands allows my thoughts to go untethered onto the page and calm my mind.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom