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That Hollow Feeling (Cinderella1181 and Mim)

Human bodies reacted in very strange ways. His throat ached and his mouth was dry, and Jimmy's heart--if Jimmy were still anywhere in this body--pounded against his chest and at the same time felt as though it had leapt up into that sore, tight throat. Cas didn't understand why a person might react this way to being hurt and sad. What he had come to understand was that Dean had a difficult time talking about his feelings when it came to--what had he called it?--pillow talk. Whenever Cas tried to nudge him into saying something that didn't have to do with sexual attraction, it usually ended with Dean getting out of bed, throwing something, raising his voice, or something similar, the word faggot, though he didn't know what a bundle of sticks had to do with anything. Maybe Dean was trying to compliment his penis?

Then there was what he had said about that woman--he couldn't even bring himself to think her name. My soulmate... Castiel wished he could dispute that, wished he could tell Dean that she wasn't his soulmate. But the sad fact was that while he may not be able to know for certain who it was without consulting the heavenly archives, Dean Winchester did have a soulmate...and it wasn't him.

"The first woman I had sex with tried to kill me," Cas said after a long stretch of contemplative silence, once his throat no longer hurt. "I don't know if this is a usual experience with humans, but I don't want her to hurt you Dean. In any way. And she has the ability to do it very easily." He turned to look at Dean as he drove. "If she hurts you, I will smite her without a second thought."

In the convenience store where Dean usually did most of the food shopping--a reason Sam was usually the one to do food runs at an actual grocery store--Cas grabbed a premade cherry pie and Dean's favorite skin mag, Busty Asian Beauties. He put it into Dean's hand basket and stuck close to him as they went through the store, constantly on the lookout for demons. As far as they knew, demons hadn't yet found the bunker...but there was never any telling.

"Does this mean that you'll no longer come to my room when you have an erection?" Cas wasn't shouting, but neither did he bother lowering his voice, earning them a look from the clerk. "Is that what she's for? Because if you aren't satisfied with my performance..."
 
"Jesus Christ Cas..." Dean hissed. "Really? Here?" He stepped in close to him. "It means... well I don't know exactly what our relationship will be anymore now." His green eyes flashed. "Damn it. I am not going to talk to you about it here."

He stalked away from Cas and looked at blankly at the chips. He suddenly felt so conflicted. Cas was...damn it...well Cas. He had feelings for him, deep feelings for him. He wasn't sure what to think now. He hadn't even thought of Cas when he got back together with Jude, but now...was he cheating? He walked back over to where Cas was standing quietly, contemplating, who knows what. He stepped in close to him. "I'm sorry. I didn't think of you in all this."

Cas looked at him, his brilliant blue eyes so sad. "I didn't think about.. what this would do to you. I am sorry." Dean looked at him. "Let me work it out. Okay?"

Cas looked at him. "I have said the words..."

"I know." Dean sighed. "I know you have."
 
Didn't think about it. Of course he hadn't thought about it. If he had they probably wouldn't be having this conversation. He needed time to work it out...what was there to work out? The words came to his lips again, forced their way up his throat but he stopped them just in time. I love you...he didn't know why those words had such an effect on Dean. It was only the truth, and he usually didn't have a problem with truth. Not between them, anyway.

"Dean..." Cas sighed and followed behind him in the aisle. One hand rested on the hunter's hip as he kissed the back of his neck. That always seemed to get a rise out of him when they were together, and even having a limited understanding of humans he knew it probably wasn't fair to do it to get what he wanted. But Castiel had worked so long and so hard and had been denied so much when all he wanted to do was make the world a better place...so why couldn't he at least make his own world better? "I had thought that we were happy." With that he side-stepped past him to go look at the ice cream. He had often seen people on TV eating ice cream when they felt sad, usually after a break-up.

Was that what this was? A break-up? Was there anything to break up?

"I don't understand what she offers." They had paid for their food and had been silent in the car for a few minutes on the way home. "She doesn't share interests with you and she doesn't have a penis. And she is, again, a dangerous and destructive abomination."
 
Dean felt his lips on the back of his neck.The feeling went straight to his groin, and then he said the words.. I thought that we were happy. They had been happy, Dean would find himself more nights then not when Cas was home in his bed. Castiels strong hands all over his body, his mouth, god that perfect mouth. It was something that in the beginning that he had come to be addicted to. Dean had craved Cas, and it shook him to the core. This angel, who he had died for, who had died for him, had been the center of his universe for so long, now looked like Dean had stolen his birthday from him.

Dean watched him as he moved away, as he paid and now, as he sat next to him in the car. He hated how Cas called her abomination. But, he supposed that if the man you cared for was leaving you.

Am I leaving him...Can I leave him? Dean looked over at Cas and finally spoke. "You and Jude hold two very different places in my....heart." He said simply. "I just...Fuck I wish this was easier. I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I could say the words to make all this better, but I can't becasue I am not sure I know them Cas. I'm not. What I do know is that what I feel for you, and her, while in two very different places, have very much the same feeling."

Cas looked at him, quiet and contemplative. "Alright Dean."

Dean sighed. Sam was always so much better at this stuff. He pulled the car to the side of the road, and killed the engine. He looked across the seat at Cas. He put his hand on the side of his head and pulled him in. He went to kiss him and that was when it happened. The first time Cas ever resisted him since they had started their...whatever it was.

"Don't...don't break my heart again." Cas simply said. "I...you know what I feel about you, and I would die for you, I would lay down my life to protect you, but I can't handle you Kissing me, or touching me, and then doing the same with her." Even as Cas said the words they tore at his heart. "So if it really her that you want, then fine. I will step aside."

Dean felt a bolt in his chest. Like he was being ripped apart. He looked at his Angel. "Cas..."
 
Castiel knew the words to make it all better. The words were that he was taking that woman back to wherever she had come from and things would go back to the way they were, even if they never could. He knew now, after all, that Dean didn't feel the same for him that he had for Dean. Cas, after all, would never have thrown him over for some old flame he hadn't seen in Chuck knew how long. It had just been sex for Dean, that much was becoming clear, especially when he offered to step aside. When he said that Dean looked as though he were in pain, looked conflicted...but didn't say no. He wanted her, and not him. Those were the facts. With a sigh Castiel cupped the back of Dean's neck, leaned in, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

Before the kiss had ended, Dean was alone in the Impala.

"Everything alright?" Sam frowned as Cas came down the steps. They had just finished bringing in the last few boxes from the truck and Jude was unpacking some books at one of the long tables in the library when the angel returned.

"Fine," he said, glaring down at the top of her head as he descended. "Dean should be home in about ten minutes."

"Great I'm starving!" Jude wasn't yet familiar with the angel's quirks and speech patterns; nothing appeared wrong to her, just the same stoic angel who had left with Dean. "Let me guess, he got some nasty microwave gas station burritos or something?"
 
"He got his usual array of foods." He said very, very flatly. "I am going to be in my room."

Dean came down the stairs nearly 15 minutes later, with the bags. His brow was furrowed. He slammed down the stairs. "Where's Cas?" He asked.

Sam looked at him, going over and taking the bags from him. "His room."

Dean nodded and headed in that direction. He thought he felt Jude's hand on him, but he brushed by. He went down the hall and right into Cas' room. He shut the door. "I never asked you to step aside. I never asked you to leave. Damn it Cas I want you both."

Cas looked at him. "Dean..."

"No, you listen. Jude is...god, I can't explain to you what I feel about her, you, you just.. you have to trust what I feel about you man." He moved back in to him and pulled him into a firm kiss. It was harder then he had expected to give, but it was what he needed to give him. He gripped his hand in to Cas' hair and held him there in the kiss. He finally broke away after what felt like a million seconds, he looked into his blue eyes. "I just... I fucking love you. Okay. I fucking love you, but I love her too. And I just, fuck I want you both."
 
Jude frowned at Dean's clipped tone and the way he stormed about. She reached out and put her hand on his arm as he approached. "Did you guys have a--" And then he brushed by. "--a fight?" She finished lamely.

Castiel had never died what one would call a "natural" death. He couldn't. He had only ever died violently at the hands of another. But this, he imagined, was what dying might feel like if it weren't having his body destroyed. Standing there, listening to Dean want it both ways, declaring that he loved him and in the same breath that he loved Jude. He might not know a whole lot about human culture, but he knew that that was impossible. He couldn't love two people at once, he simply wanted it all and That Woman would wind up hurt because she wanted him to be monogamous, and Castiel would wind up hurt because he simply was selfish and wanted Dean for himself.

But humans are inherently non-monogamous animals.

This was the justification Cas used as he pinned Dean against the wall. Their clothes having suddenly disappeared and reappeared folded neatly on top of a dresser was a parlor trick which had very much impressed Dean the first time this had happened. Sometimes Castiel liked to undress him slowly, to take his time and savor it like unwrapping a present, but this was not one of those times. He knew it wasn't going to be one of those nights when they took hours exploring one another's bodies, discovering together what felt good, but he didn't know if this was goodbye. If it was...well, he would worry about that later. Right now he was focused on the way Dean's shaft felt in his hand, the way his skin tasted as he traced kisses down his neck and over his shoulders, and the slight strain to his muscles as he kept the hunter pinned against the wall with his forearm across his chest.

"You have been...very bad, Dean." Cas's voice was more gravelly than usual as he used the dirty talk which always seemed to turn Dean on. "You've been very hurtful. I think you need to apologize." A small bruise was left behind on his throat when Cas gently bit him. A part of him knew that Dean was confusing sex and companionship with love, but a larger part of him didn't care: he was in love, and he didn't want Dean to go.

~*~

"They've got...a complicated history." Sam was sitting at the kitchen table with Jude, eating their greasy burgers and commiserating.

"You mean apart from Castiel being in love with Dean?" Jude asked miserably, taking a sip from her beer. She raised her eyebrows as Sam choked. "What you didn't know? It's super obvious."

"Cas? And...and Dean?" Sam laughed. Dean had such archaic views of sexuality he doubted he'd ever done more than hug another man, and Cas was...well...an angel. Angels didn't experience emotions the same way humans did, if they did at all. "Jude, I think you've really got your wires crossed here. They're best friends, but that's it."

"Rachel and I are best friends," she pointed out with a shrug. "We've fucked a number of times, and she might actually still love me. Friends doesn't mean anything." Jealousy wasn't often Jude's way, but this was Dean Winchester. He had been her first love, her first sexual partner, her first heartbreak, the one who got away. He was finally back in her life, she had given up everything to move across country with him, and they finally had a shot at happiness together; she wasn't going to give that up without a fight.

"You and Rachel are different," he argued. "You've got more...progressive ideas about sex and sexuality and relationships. Dean...well...our dad wasn't exactly the most open-minded man, and Dean emulates him a lot."

"Oh sure," she agreed. "That doesn't keep him from seeking Cas's attention, and it doesn't keep Cas from being in love with him." Their burgers finished and Dean still not returned, she sighed. "I'm gonna at least bring him dinner. A cold burger is always a disappointment, especially after a fight with a friend. Plus he should eat something, even if it's this grossness. I hope you realize that I'm going to be enforcing mostly healthy food, none of this burgers every night crap. Took us months to break him of that the first time."

Sam smiled. "Wouldn't expect anything less."

~*~

"Dean? Your burger's getting--"

Jude wouldn't soon forget seeing Dean bent over and getting a reach-around as the angel pounded him. Castiel gripped Dean's hip with his free hand, kissing and biting Dean's back and shoulders, and she could have sworn Cas had seen her. She felt ill even as she turned to go and heard him moan,

"Say it again, Dean," he pleaded. "Tell me you love me."

Jude had her sneakers dug out and laced up and was heading up the stairs before Sam noticed that she was leaving. "Jude, what--?"

"I'm going for a run." The hatch shut firmly behind her, leaving Sam to a few moments of indecision before deciding that whatever had happened, she probably needed at least a few miles to herself before he went after her.

She didn't know how far she had run, she just knew that she had started as the sky was shot with pink and orange and finally ran out of energy long after dark. She bent over, hands on her knees, gasping for breath, pressing the stitch in her side. The dinner she'd had hadn't been a good choice of meal before a run. It was difficult to know whether it was the cheap, greasy burger or the echo of Castiel's words which brought her dinner up, but she did feel slightly better when she was done.

Say it again...Say you love me...

Jude didn't want to let herself shed another tear over Dean Winchester. She had done her crying years ago. But now for a second time he left her wondering whether it was possible to physically feel her heart breaking.
 
Dean was in a place that felt amazing. He had always loved to be dominated, even if that part of him had been a secret, and the first time, he ended up in Cas' room, and Cas had taken control, he was done for. He needed that feeling that feeling of control being taken out of his hands, and right now, this was exactly what he needed. This was his center.

Jude as well, she centers you too.. His mind wandered a little. He felt conflicted but at the same time, he felt right. It was a feeling had had never experianced before, and when Cas whispered to him, against the back of his neck Say it again...Say you love me... Dean didn't hesitate. He pushed himself back in to Cas' body the best he could and moaned, deep and gruff. "I fucking love you, I have since the moment you walked in that barn." He moaned, the feeling of his angel pressed in to him and his hand on his cock was almost to much. "Maybe even since you raised me."

Cas moved his hand up and gripped his arm in the same place his grace had marked him. He could feel the connection surging between them, but there was something else as well, something he couldn't describe. He couldn't think about that now. All he could think about was the fact that in less them ten minutes DEAN Winchester, the man he loved, and had since he had been set to watch over him, had just told him that he loved him. Twice. He kissed at his shoulder blade and then bit it. "I love you too Dean." He whispered there. "I love you too."

~*~

Sam had always thought that Cas and Dean would have something someday. The way they looked at each other, they sat to close together. That connection that they had, was honestly something Sam was jealous of. The last time he had experience that, was, well with Jessica.

He stopped mid tying of his shoe. "Well I'll be damned again."

Jude was right. They were in love. The more he thought about what Jude has said, and the more he thought about the actions of Dean and Cas, she was right. He got himself up and headed down the hall towards Cas' room to tell them that he was going when he heard the unmistakable sounds. What...How have I not...the fuck is going on around here... He turned back around and headed up the stairs and out going down the only road that Jude could have gone down and started his jog. He was confused and not sure what to think.
 
Around mile six Sam frowned, starting to get concerned. The farthest he'd ever gone with Jude back in Keene was seven miles round-trip, and this was the six mile mark only one way. This close to the bunker, with several key enemies perfectly aware of its general vicinity, it was possible some demon could have snatched her. He shook the thought from his mind almost as soon as it appeared and kept going, tired but not willing to let her stay out here alone after dark like this. Half a mile later, just as he was starting to consider turning around and looking for her off of the road to see if she had hurt herself when he noticed a figure making its way through the dark, alternately trudging and determinedly slow jogging. It didn't take long for Jude to come into view.

"Jude?" Sam frowned as he was able to make her out in the dark.

"S...Sam?" Jude's voice was thick with emotion, but her face was dry. "What're you doing out here?"

"Looking for you. How far had you run?" He frowned deeper at seeing her expression, clearly upset at something.

"Only about half a mile more, but uh...well, now I have to get back." She chuckled half-heartedly. "Just needed to run it out, y'know?"

"Yeah, I guess." He hesitated, unsure whether to mention it. It was probably for the best, though; nothing was solved by not talking about it, and she was obviously more touchy-feely than his brother. "It's the Mark, Jude. You know that, right?"

Her chin quivered for a few moments, then she couldn't hold it back anymore. Tears over Dean Winchester overwhelmed her self-control and burst forth for the first time in two decades. Sam received her with a surprised 'oof' when she threw her arms around him, then quietly held her and stroked her hair while she cried it out. She had, after all, given up everything she knew and moved across the country to be with him. And now, the day they got home, Dean was...well, that too was new information that he had to process. He knew there wasn't anything he could do or say to make that sort of betrayal better, all he do was just hold her and let her vent if she needed it. When it seemed as though she had finally cried herself out, Sam rubbed her back and nudged her gently.

"C'mon," he said quietly, "I think they got ice cream. Fourteen miles I think we can afford to stuff our faces a little bit." With a sniffle-laugh Jude began the long walk back, jogging a mile at a time and taking breaks to walk.

~*~

"You should take her back." Castiel's arm was wrapped around Dean's shoulders as Dean laid his head on the angel's chest. "Back to wherever she was, I mean. She'll just bring more ruination on us, Hollowgasts and other Syndrigasti." His hand slid from Dean's shoulder down to his arm, where he felt a raised welt. With a frown he turned his forearm over to look at the red scar that hadn't been there before. "Dean...what's this?"

~*~

They managed to make it back within an hour. After three miles Jude had clearly been in pain and Sam, being a little less exhausted, had ignored her protests and carried her back bridal-style the last three miles. After a shower Jude emerged in her pajamas, Sam in a pair of sweatpants, and after considering a bowl for a minute he shrugged and handed her the pint of ice cream and took one himself.

"Sam?" Jude sounded small as she pulled the safety seal off of her ice cream. "Can...can you stay with me for a while please? I kinda need a friend..."

His expression softened. He shouldn't...but Dean... "Sure."

By the time Dean emerged from Cas's room, the pints were back in the freezer half-eaten and Jude had fallen asleep against Sam's chest, his arm wrapped casually around her shoulders as the credits of some low-budget horror movie on Netflix rolled. At the sound of Dean walking around Sam tilted his head over his shoulder.

"I think you guys need to talk in the morning," he said softly, trying not to wake Jude.
 
Dean looked down at his arm. "It's nothing."

Cas frowned at him. "It is not nothing." He touched it. "It is pure evil."

Dean looked over at him. "It's my way to kill Abadon."

Cas sat up and looked at him, terror, fear, anger all in his eyes. "What did you do Dean?"

"Crowley and I found Cain." He said quietly.

"The Mark..." Cas said.

All Dean could do was nod. "She's coming after me, which means she is coming after you, and Sam, and now Jude. I will end that bitch, and I will end her so thoroughly that there won't be anything left." He flexed his hand making a fist. "I am going to end her."

Cas looked at him almost scared. "Dean what...what have you done?"

~*~
Dean looked at Sam, and he felt something rise in him. Anger, jealousy, something akin to rage. He flexed his hand again but did nothing. "I'll come and grab her." He walked over to him. He picked her up gently and shifted her in his arms. "Thanks for keeping an eye on her."

Sam looked at him. "Yeah...no problem. But be ready, cause she's hurt."

Dean pressed his nose in to her hair. "Yeah I know."

Sam looked at him. "Yeah,but do you really?"
 
There was no light when Jude eventually opened her eyes, and she only knew it was morning by the glow of the red alarm clock in the dark announcing that it was 8:05. Panic gripped her for a few moments, not knowing where she was or why it was so dark at eight in the morning...then slowly the events of last night came filtering back in. She sighed and flopped her head back down as the clock changed to 8:06. She contemplated the number for a moment. She had one a few verse recitation competitions as a kid, and maybe it was because returning to what she knew was comforting or because she had woken in a sanctimonious mood, but she searched almost automatically through her brain for verses with that number. The only thing she could come up with was from Song of Solomon:

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

She scoffed at that. A seal on Dean's arm was possibly what had destroyed what little they had built back up, and clearly their love wasn't as strong as what the Shulamite Woman had been referring to. Maybe that was Castiel, after all. She sighed: she didn't want to get up and face the day, didn't want to face the long drive home and the embarrassment of having come back after only three days gone, didn't want to have to talk Rachel out of literally hunting down Dean and cutting his balls off. But these were all things that needed to happen. But first, breakfast.

When she shuffled out in her pajamas, Castiel was the only one in the kitchen. He was as stoic as ever, but she could have sworn there was a glimmer of triumph in his eyes. He almost seemed to be smirking at her.

"Did you sleep well?" Yes, that was definitely a smirk in his tone when he said what he had been told was a polite thing to say in the morning.

"Dreamed of the Bible," she mumbled, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. She hadn't, but she was still feeling viciously sanctimonious and the idea of using verse against an angel, most especially the angel who had ruined everything, was particularly attractive to her.

"Oh? Sam told me your father was a minister."

"Mmm, he was, so every now and then I dream of the Bible. Not sure I've ever dreamt of Romans before: 'They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness.'" She arched an eyebrow before sniffing cautiously at the milk then pouring it over the cereal. Castiel seemed to know her game.

"I can see why you might dream that," he said slowly, "but doesn't Peter say 'Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing'?" He had been guardian of the writers of the holy books; did she really want to get into this with him?

"The Devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. An evil soul producing holy witness is like a villain with a smiling cheek, a goodly apple rotten at the heart. O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath," Jude shot back, smirking at Castiel's confusion. "That one was Shakespeare, hon. There's something to be said about the wisdom of men over God."

"I am not the Devil," he corrected. "He's in the Cage, in Hell."

"He was nothing but a rebellious angel trying to get daddy's attention, and so are you," she sniped. Cas opened his mouth to retort but Sam came shuffling in to put on some coffee. The tension was palpable as he moved about the room.

"So Jude," he tried to say casually, knowing she and Cas had probably been at one another's throats moments before, "plans for today?"

"Packing," she answered shortly, glaring at the angel before returning to her cereal. "I never got a chance to thank you last night, for hanging out with me."
 
If Cas could look more like the angel who caught the canary, he would. The abomination was going home and he was going to be able to get back to taking care of Sam and his Dean. MY Dean...Mine He thought to himself. He always will be, after she is long gone he will always be mine He went and sat at the table and took out his book that he was reading, looking for anything on the mark.

"Packing why?" Sam asked, panic in his voice. "You can't go anywhere. I mean I know it is unsettling to wake up underground but eventually you get used to it."

Cas looked over at him and settled on her. "Obviously this isn't a good fit for her. Maybe it is better that she just go."

"Go where?" A deep new voice entered the mix. Dean stood in the door way and looked at the scene playing before him. This is not what he had expected to walk into but really, after last night was he surprised. Fuck, I have made a damned mess.. was all he could think before he stepped in the room. "Sam, could the three of us have a few minutes? Please?"

Sam looked at him, he was a little angry to say the least but he nodded and left the room.

Dean went and sat down on the stool and looked at them. "I know last night was not exactly how the three of us pictured this... to work out. but we need to set some ground rules, I need to say some things and we need to move on." He looked at each of them. "I love you both. In two very different ways.,but at the same time in very much the same way" He looked at Jude. "I am sorry I was not more forth coming about the fact that Cas and I had a sexual relationship. It's been going on for...a while and I would like it to continue." He sighed. "I don't know why I am able to say things now that I was never able to say before but I am bisexual. John would have beaten me senseless if he had known so I hid it...and then Cas eventually came along with his blue eyes and damned kissable lips and it happened. I don't want to end what he makes he feel, how he makes me feel because he makes me feel happy."

He looked at Cas. "And you, if you had never swished in to my life in that barn, I would have always been hung up on Jude. Even during that time with Lisa and Ben, it was still Jude who I longed for, it was still her that I wanted deep down in my soul. I love her. She makes me happy, she knows just how to make me weak, she takes control when she needs to, she is exactly like you in that. When I am with her, I am hers, 100%. But she and I are still figuring out if we are even still compatible. There are obviously somethings about her that are new knowledge, but I am fine with them. she is not evil nor is she an abomination, so stop saying those things."

Cas shifted his eyes "She is one..." He said very much not under his breath.

He rubbed his face. "Both of you hold very special, very particular places in my heart, and I think, deep down, we all want the same thing. And I know if we can make this work, we will be unstoppable. I can belong to both of you. " He sighed. "I want to belong to both of you. So if this has to be a finely turned worked out schedule, then so be it. But both of you, please don't make me choose one or the other, cause then I will choose myself. Well, and Sam, in a not sexual kind of way," He chewed his lip. "What are your thoughts?"
 
"No, I don't think it is," Jude agreed acidly when Castiel suggested that this place wasn't a good fit for her. Dean entered, asking where she was going, and her jaw clenched. "Home," she said shortly, drinking the milk from her bowl, scraping the last of the cereal, and washing it out in the sink. Sam got banished from the kitchen and behind Dean's back Jude gave him a sympathetic look and a shrug. He seemed pissed that after last night he was being pushed out.

Dean laid out the truth of things, of what he wanted, and Jude folded her arms across her chest, listening. Did he think that coming out would make her less angry? Did he think it would get him out of the mess he'd made for himself? Her jaw set stubbornly, her teeth clenched, until she was grinding them so hard she had to make a conscious effort to stop for fear she would chip a tooth. He demanded that they share him, after the hissy fit he'd thrown in Keene over Rachel, then asked their thoughts.

"No," she said flatly. "You get to go sulk in the tub like some heartbroken bitch in a romcom because you saw me push my best friend off of me while we were drunk, and I get to just blithely accept watching you get fucked and tell someone else you love him then talk to me about how fucking kissable he is? Absolutely fucking not, Dean." Jude shifted her weight and pushed away from the counter. "Fanfuckingtastic that you've admitted your sexuality: I knew you were bi in high school, do you want a fucking prize for it?" Castiel moved as though to stand between them when she took a few steps forward, but the fierce look in her eyes made him think again.

"You're confusing love and sex, Dean," Jude said, "and being bisexual does not give you license to have whatever you want and fuck what they feel for you; trust me, I've tried it. You like getting fucked in the ass? Fine! I think I've demonstrated that I'm perfectly willing to accommodate that. You want consensual non-monogamy? Sure, we can work something out so long as you don't get pissy whenever I bring someone home--and I will bring them home. You want--don't you dare fucking touch me!" Her head snapped to the right as Castiel started to approach her again and a spider plant Sam had hung in the kitchen to give the place a more personal feeling wrapped itself around his neck. "You're an angel: you can't die. But I can squeeze the breath out of you and make you wish you were dead, don't think I won't," she growled before turning back to Dean.

"But I'm not going to wait around again for you, Dean. I'm not going to sit here and cry wishing you loved me enough to actually be with me. You. Cheated." Jude's throat tightened at the words, finally vocalizing what had been rolling around in her head since last night. "You betrayed my trust and you decided that you don't give a damn for anyone's feelings but your own, Dean Winchester. You cheated. Think about walking in on me fucking your brother and maybe you'll have some idea of how it feels." She sniffed, feeling the tears starting to well up again and refusing to let him see her cry over him. Again. "So once you've decided that my feelings matter, once you've realized that you don't get your cake and eat it too just because you've finally gotten the balls to admit to yourself that you like cock, you know where I live. Until then I'm going to pack up my shit and go back to trying to find my own happiness with someone who actually gives a damn about me."

The spider plant released Cas's throat as she stormed out of the room. He rubbed his throat and neck and cleared his throat and looked at Dean. "I don't like her," he said bluntly. "She is an abomination and she does not care for you, and I don't trust her or her kind...but if she is what you want, and I am what you want...we'll find a way to make it work. I promise, Dean." He cupped the back of Dean's neck and kissed her forehead.

~*~

"You're a piss-poor spy, Sam," Jude groused as she stomped into the library to unstack the boxes she had emptied just yesterday. "Maybe if you didn't stomp around everywhere I wouldn't've heard you running in here from the kitchen door."

Sam had the presence of mind to look ashamed. "I just...after hanging out last night..."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed as she started pulling her books off the shelves and putting them carefully into the boxes. "I didn't think it was fair, either. Hey...once I'm done packing up wanna go get plastered? Then we can finish the ice cream and watch Manos: The Hands Of Fate and heckle it."

"Day drinking?" Sam arched an eyebrow. "You didn't strike me as the type..."

"I said once I'm done packing," she corrected. "That oughtta take me at least until afternoon."
 
Sam went over to him and looked at her. He grabbed her hand gently. "Don't leave. Work this out. I have never in my life seen Dean as happy as he is with you and...well...I like having you around. Castiel is an ass, but he loves Dean like you love Dean. He really does. Dean is just...I don't know. confused." He looked at her sadly. "Please don't go. Your better company then Dean."
~*~
Dean looked at Cas as Jude went out the door. "I don't care if you don't like her. I love her." He sighed. Why the hell was this not going to be easy. Right. Dean Fucking Winchester. "I want this to work out Cas I do."

He went over and kissed him. "Don't go far I am going to go talk to her. "

~*~
Sam looked down at her and in possibly the stupidest move that he has ever done, he leaned down and Kissed Jude. Soundly. Not hard, not soft just, firm and showed her every thing that he had been thinking, really for weeks. "Stay, for me....please."
 
"She tried to strangle me with a plant, Dean!" Cas rebutted, disbelieving when Dean declared that he loved her. "You said you loved me too. Last night..." His mouth opened and closed again a few times, unable to think of anything else to say. If he loved Dean, and Dean loved him, then what was the problem? Why did Jude enter the equation at all? He was still puzzling this when Dean left a kiss burning on his lips before going after That Woman.

~*~

Jude chuckled a little when Sam declared her better company than Dean. "I'm guessing being with your brother 24/7 for like, thirty years probably gets kinda old," she admitted with a shrug, then looked up at him. At 5'2" he had more than a foot on her and this close to him she had to tilt her head almost all the way up. "I like spending time with you," she admitted, "and we've gotten to be some real good friends over the last couple months...but I only came out here because of Dean, and he's clearly got other ideas of what he wants now."

And then he kissed her.

It took her off-guard, particularly when it left her parsing out the world of meaning she had felt in that kiss. He tasted of spearmint chewing gum with just a hint of cucumbers, and she would have been lying if she'd said she didn't want to try that again. He asked her to stay for him and she chewed her lip, thinking and not noticing that Dean had been in the room for at least a minute or two.

"Oh Sam," she sighed, taking his hand in both of hers and kissing it gently. "That...that complicates things quite a bit, doesn't it?" Jude smiled sadly and squeezed his hand. "Let me think about it all, alright? I need some time to think."
 
He looked down at her and nodded. "Yeah I guess it does, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to do it again. Look, if Dean can agree to you bringing someone home....maybe it can be me, once in a while." He chuckled a little. "Hell, I'd not even be sad if Rachael came and joined in. I think I can take you both on."

He gathered her up into his arms again and kissed her, pulling her in, so he was sure she was just barely on the floor with her toes.

Dean walked in. "What the fuck..." He said.

Sam let her go. "Dean, I am just...Um...what am I doing Jude?" He looked at her his eyes wide.
 
Jude laughed. "I dunno what Dean would agree to, or what I would agree to," she admitted, "but I don't think it would be a terrible arrangement, if I'm honest." And when Sam pulled her in and picked her up to kiss her, her feet dangling a foot from the floor as she clung to his shoulders, she thought maybe consensual non-monogamy wouldn't be such a terrible idea after all.

Then Dean came in and everything came crashing down, including Jude. She staggered a little when Sam dropped her, and stood defiantly between him and his older brother. The stammering was cute, but just now she was focused again on being angry with Dean. She folded her arms across her chest and planted her feet as though she expected Dean to charge them.

"You're letting Dean and I duke it out," she said, not taking her eyes off of her ostensible boyfriend. "Doesn't feel too good, does it?" she sneered. "Now imagine me screaming that I love him while he plowed my brains out then expecting you to be okay with it. You cheated, Dean, you don't get to be angry about an out-of-context kiss."
 
Rage...it was more then a feeling, it was something else that bubbled up inside of him, and his vision went red. He flexed his hand, the mark lighting on fire as he stood there. "Son Of Bitch." And he swung. He wasn't sure what his hand was going to connect with, he hoped it was going to be Sam's face, but it was he wall. He felt the bones in his fist shatter, and the pain of that still didn't even match the blinding rage that he was feeling. He turned around and glared at Sam.

On instinct he moved between Jude and Dean. He had never in his entire life seen his brother like this, He tried to duck as Dean came at him, but he caught his fist in the jaw and down he went. He was aware of the weight on top of him, the rain of fists.

Cas heard the scuffle and came running in. He pulled Dean off, and he turned on the angel, his eyes completely gone, and there was something almost animal like about him. Cas angel powered him and it barely scratched the surface. Cas did let him come after him. He called out. "Jude...get Sam out of here. I will take care of..." He bent over in pain as Dean got in right between the legs. Even as an Angel that hurt.
 
When Dean punched the wall--the cement wall--Jude jumped and covered her mouth with both hands, eyes wide in shock. She had heard the bones crunch. But this rage, a rage she had never seen in him before, scared her...but she wasn't going to let fear rule her. She was going to stand her ground, to call him out on his hypocritical bullshit, on his double standards.

"No, Sam," she said firmly when he stood between them, "this is between me and him. If he--Dean!" Sam went down in one blow and before she could kneel to see if he was okay Dean had knelt on his chest, pummeling is brother in the face and ribs. Carefully avoiding his fists, Jude wrapped her arms around Dean's middle and heaved, but to no avail. She was strong, but he was much bigger than her and determined to stay put. "Get. Off!" she grunted, her bare feet slipping a little on the hardwood floor. "Stop it! Dean--!" Jude yelped in pain and fell backward, face stinging and lip feeling swollen. When she touched her lip it was bleeding.

Jude had been hit before. She had gotten into her fair share of bar fights and fist fights in college, and had gotten a few split lips and black eyes in her time. Her throat tightened with emotion not because she had been hit, but because it had been Dean who had hit her. She was still in shock when Castiel came to investigate the rumpus and hauled him off of his brother. She scrambled to her feet and over to Sam--now was not the time to stubbornly do the opposite of whatever Feathers told her to do--and put his arm around her neck to help him to his feet. Thanks to their size difference she was more a crutch than a helper, but whatever got him out of there.

"C'mon buddy," she grunted as Sam staggered, dazed and leaning his weight on her. "There's only so much I can help you with here..."

Her knees were starting to buckle under the giant's weight, but finally she got him to a random vacant room, not knowing the way back to her own never mind Sam's. With a grunt she got him lowered carefully onto the bed and pulled his feet up as well, though they dangled over the end. Jude pulled his socks off then got him under the covers and patted his chest gently.

"You stay here," she said as though he was going to be going anywhere, "I'll go get my first aid kit out of the car." Jude stuck her head out the door, listening to the tussle between Dean and Castiel, before sneaking off the opposite direction toward the garage. She didn't know her way around the bunker yet and had no way of knowing where else they might keep medical supplies, so her emergency first aid kit would have to do for now. There were still noises of a struggle when she crept back into the room.

"Jude..." Sam's cuts were bandaged and the bleeding cleaned up and the door was locked from the inside by the time he came to himself enough to react to the world around him. "What...you're hurt." He reached up and she winced when his fingers brushed her lips. Gently she took his hand and put it back onto the bed.

"Just a split lip," she informed him stoically, cracking a chemical ice pack and setting it on his face where a black eye was starting to form. "Here, hold this. I'll live, but I'm pretty sure you've got some bruised ribs, maybe a crack or two, and he broke your nose...but you guys don't seem like the hospital types." Jude grimaced. "He and I have some talking to do once he's calmed down; his angel's being the punching bag, so obviously I'm not gonna get in the way of that. Dean...he's...different than I remember..." Her lips hurt as she frowned. He hadn't had such a hair trigger temper like this in high school...but people do change.

"This isn't him," Sam insisted, trying to sit up then wincing and staying where he was. "I mean sure he can go off sometimes, but not like this. He'd never hurt me, and especially not you or Cas. It has to be the Mark."

"Yeah well, if the Mark is his excuse..." Jude paused and shook her head. She wasn't going to make that threat, not yet. And when she did it would be to Dean's face, not to his brother who clearly wouldn't mind if they broke up.
 
Cas finally managed to subdue Dean, he was kneeling on the ground, panting. But, while it was physically Dean, the Dean Winchester they knew and love was gone in that moment. This was...this was rage and pain and torment. "Dean, you have to snap out of this. I will let you keep hitting me if that is what feels good, but, you have to calm down."

The green of his eyes, was changed, there was almost a red tinge to it. And then, suddenly, like the rubber band that was pulled way too tightly snapped. Dean gasped and collapsed forward. He rested his hands on the ground and panted. His right hand throbbing intensely. He looked up at Cas. "What...what have I done?"

There was something in him that was aware, but didn't want to believe. "Cas, tell me.. tell me what I did."

"You hit Sam." He said flatly. "Beat him."

"What?" He said quietly.

"There was something.. it came over you. Just... pure anger and hate..."

"Rage." Dean finished.

"Yes total unleashed rage. " Cas agreed. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Have you...where did it come from?"

Dean looked at him and sighed. "I don't know, but it felt good Cas. It felt good." He looked at him. "Like, I want to do it again, it felt so good." He shook his head. "Like,better then sex."
~*~
Sam frowned a little and tried to shift. "Jude, I promise you, he would rather die for you then hurt, you or me or Cas. Like, honestly. Somethign isn't right. Something is very very wrong with this whole situation."
 
Jude sighed and smiled sadly at Sam. "I used to tell myself that, too," she said hollowly. "Oh he doesn't mean it. If only I didn't make him so angry sometimes. That's not really him..." She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Maybe you'll tolerate a man putting his hands on you, Sam, but I won't. Not anymore."

It hurt Sam's face to frown, but he did so anyway. "It's not like that," he argued. "He's never been like this before, and I've known him a hell of a lot longer than you have."

"Yeah, well maybe there are parts of him you don't know." She sighed again and pushed a bit of hair out of his face affectionately. "It sounds like they've finally stopped. Stay here; I'll go see what's up." It was barely even 9am and already there were problems to deal with. After she had found her way back toward the library she came upon a bruised and bloodied Castiel and Dean declaring that what he had just done felt better than sex.

"This isn't you, Dean," Cas argued. "It must be the Mark, it...it's changing you."

"I dunno, better than sex for Dean Winchester is a pretty high appraisal." Jude crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the doorway. Her lip was still bleeding a little and there was a bruise starting to blossom along her chin. "Done trying to feel like the big man, Dean? Or do you wanna beat up on your fuck toy some more before we try to use your big boy words? Because Sam and Feathers here may be willing to overlook this better-than-sex-wanna-do-it-again outburst, but I won't. I've done my time dealing with that shit."
 
Dean looked up at her and his heart broke. "Jude... I'm..I'm sorry. I don't know what... What came over me." His green eyes were flush with tears. "I swear. This is not who I am. I just.. I don't know what happened."

He stood up, his hand was the size of a softball, two fingers at grotesquely odd angles. He winced when it moved, but he touched the mark. "It's this.. it...it fuels me. it burns. It needs more. Cain said it would do that. That it would drive him to kill and murder." He let a single man tear slide down his face. "Jude, I am just.. I am sorry." The genuine sorrow and remorse in his voice was evident.

"We need to summon Crowley,." Sam said.

"Oh god Sammy..." Dean said as his figure appeared. "What is Crowley going to tell us that we don't already know."
 
She pursed her lips as Dean apologized. It was a script which had been all too familiar to her before. "Right, and we just made you so angry, right?" she sneered. "I know how much it upsets you, and you just couldn't control yourself? You just admitted that you wanted to do it again, Dean. Do you really expect me to believe that bullshit?" Then as expected he used the mark as an excuse. "Well I don't see Cain going on any murder sprees lately, do you? And--don't touch me!" Jude stepped away as he approached. "You don't get to do that, not until you can play nice."

Sam appeared behind her, looming over Jude in the doorway like a giant, and she spun around. "Sam? I told you to stay in bed! You've been hurt!"

"It's alright." Castiel had recovered enough to heal himself, and moved first to Sam then to Dean and everything was back to normal: no bruises or broken bones remained. He and Jude stared at each other for a long moment before he grudgingly offered, "I can..."

"It's cool," she immediately said. "I like healing the old-fashioned way, and I find that reminders are typically pretty good for everyone involved. Who's this Crowley?"

"The British guy in the suite who stopped by the station that one time," Sam clarified, testing out the healing by carefully twisting. Satisfied with his ribs, he gingerly touched his nose then stretched his neck. "He's the one who took Dean to Cain in the first place."

"Isn't he a demon?" She received a guilty-looking affirmative. "And aren't demons bad? So why would you trust him?"

"It seems you and I can finally agree on something," Cas admitted grudgingly.

"We don't trust him," Sam said defensively. "He's just, y'know...useful."
 
Cas shook his head. "As much as I don't trust him, I agree begrudgingly. We need to summon him."

Sam looked sadly at Dean. "I'll get the stuff." He quietly left the room, to go to the storeroom.

Dean said nothing, simply nodding. He sat himself down in the chair and put his head in his hands. What on earth had he done? How could he have screwed things up so badly, in less then twenty four hours. He was sure this was some kind of record even for him. He looked at Jude. "Can I fix this..ever?"

Cas felt his chest stiffen. This wasn't exactly the question that he wanted to hear Dean ask her, but it was one that he knew, deep down was coming. If he wanted Dean he was going to have to play nice. Cas looked at her. "Ultimately all of this is my fault. I was the one who got upset with him."

Dean looked at him. "Cas.."

"No it's true. None of this wouldn't have gone on if I wasn't greedy." He said, the word bitter on his tongue.
 
Jude didn't like seeing him in pain, but neither did she move to comfort him. Dean knew she didn't play games, and now he would have to learn to deal with the consequences. Still in her pajamas, having only been awake for an hour, she leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed and watched him. When he asked if he would be able to fix it, she shrugged.

"Depends on you," she said bluntly. "I got into a lot of trouble in college, Dean. Three restraining orders and a domestic assault trial later I swore I would never let a man lay his hands on me again. So what happens from here depends entirely on you and how you choose to handle that ugly welt on your arm." She inclined her head toward the Mark. When Castiel insisted that it was his fault for being greedy she raised her eyebrows in mild surprise. "Well look at that, Tweety Bird! Agreeing twice in what? Ten minutes? Maybe there's hope for us after all!" Her smile was a bit manic, but then she shook her head and pushed off of the wall.

"To a point, anyway," she amended, taking a seat as far from Dean as she could. "You've been greedy and selfish, and generally an asshole...but it isn't your fault that Dean has done and said what he has. He made the choice to cheat on me. He made the choice to try and force me into an agreement that was beneficial only to himself. He made the choice to give me an ultimatum, thinking that I care more about being in a miserable relationship than having respect and care for my own emotional well being. He made the choice to value himself and his selfish wants over our relationship. He made the choice to tell you he loves you. He made the choice to get pissed off at Sam for something he didn't understand. He made the choice to hit me." She turned her gaze from the angel to Dean. "And that Mark goes only so far when it comes to excuses." She leaned back and watched them both. "So what are we gonna do about this, hm?"
 
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