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The person above you awakens in a hospital bed and YOU say:

We had to cut your clothes after the accident and all the male staff have been taking it in turns to come in here and masturbate at the sight of you, as a result of which eight patients have died and four mothers have miscarried.
 
Wait! Don't move! They still haven't taken that....thing....out of your ass , and the doctor really wants to know how it got in there in the first place.
 
The doctors say that you have lost your memory so let me introduce myself. I am your wife and we have ten children, four dogs, two cats, and six months arrears on the mortgage since you were sacked for sexually molesting the CEO's PA, who by the way is suing you for $4.5m.
 
soooo there was a little complication during surgery and we need to open you up again because we accidentally left in some scissors a cotton pad, scalpel, some plastic tubing and you know one of those vibrators that look like a stick of lip stick. Don’t panic you’ll be okay just refrain from any sudden movements, such as laughing smiling or breathing. *smiles*
 
While you were unconscious your partner had a passionate affair with the doctor treating you, which is why you've been out for nine and a half months.
 
You've been in the hospital for several years and the doctors never thought you'd actually wake up so you've been a sexual attraction for some time now.
 
Good morning! Glad to see you're awake. I have to say, you're quite the talk of the ward. In all my years as a doctor, I've never had to extract such an extensive collection of memorabilia from a single anus.
 
Hi, great news that you're awake. While you were out you gave birth to triplets, your husband divorced you and put the kids up for adoption, your father was been convicted of rape, and your mother was caught smuggling drugs and is now serving 45 years in the worst prison in South America.
 
Congratulations, you're awake! Welcome back! Wonderful news, you've been asleep for two hundred years but have stayed young. A new life awaits! (it sounded better in my head)
 
Oh thank the gods above and beyond, you're alive! I thought you would stay in a coma for the rest of your life! First things first, you're divorced now, but are still allowed to see your kids.
 
I don't want you to panic, but somebody superglued bat wings to your back
 
Your hair grew so long that you looked like cousin It, luckily for you one of the nurses knows a barber who goes to hospitals. We gave all your cut hair away to a charity which is going to make wigs for bald children.
 
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