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O Fortuna...

I forgive the end for its suffocating hope and fear
Before I ever wave goodbye - cross my heart and hope to die
You commit to leave all your love behind without a tear
Tomorrow is a different day, another chance to fade away​

So. Right now my Temper is running so High that perhaps logic isn't going to be the Forte of this journal entry.

But I confess I need to Vent and get it out of my system:

In concerns to Ventrillo itself. Normally I don't feel like this, but the past week I felt like that maaaybe agreeing to be Mod for Vent was a Bad idea. Considering there is an Admin in there all the time anyway it's not like I'm doing anything helpful. After the whole fucking issue I had with Sigurd (Coupled with the fact I now Remember why there was something about him that reminded me of something...) and my recent temper cut its much harder. I had to break up a slight shout match in Vent, but I love how in particular like how it was rubbed in my face that I missed Epic things. I'm sorry? I was at work. Like I am every Saturday Night. So I can't be here for Epic things thanks for telling me EVERY TIME you see me.

I was already riding on a borderline temper issue earlier so that the fact that *SOMEONE* kicked me from Vent all together (And I know SOMEONE did because it told me so on the main screen when I went to log back in) was just the last straw. I feel that sometimes I'm not wanted there because more than likely I annoy them. This wouldn't surprise me. I'm sorry I annoy you. I should really just stop taking things so personally. So whatever. I just won't get on Vent for a stint 'less someone wants me there.

Maybe then I won't be so fucking stressed out. And if nobody asks me back? Well then I know it's for the best *shrug*

--------------------------------------

I apparently wrote the above last night and forgot to post.

Too bad my mood hasn't improved much in between. Got mocked by someone I looked up to this mornin :/ Whatever. I need to just gtf over it and move on. But it still bothers me.

I hate me.
 
b-b-b-but....... I......... I miss epic things all the time since I don't get on Vent on the weekends or evenings really. I'm your sister in that, hon. *hugs*

I will miss you if you aren't on Vent. Know, very much so, that I want you there. T_T
<3333333333

*Has no idea what happened, but is sad that it did........*
 
I don't know what Vent is but fuck them if they don't want you there. We want you here and that *hopefully* should matter. BTW I sent you a text saying I posted ^.^ *hugs* I <3 You!
 
Friday through sunday I'm going to winston salem to visit the bf's great aunt and uncle.

Edit because I typed too fast on my small phone keypad.
 
;-; I work like 12-14 hour shifts every saturday.

Less the schedule is weird like this week wherrreee Saturday I don't go in till 630~ :3

BUT yes you need to get on the same time I do.

----------------------------------

Since Linux is taking back the Jetta come friday I'm having a bit of a...Brick wall effect?

So In effort because Mr. Sir popped back around I wanted to see him. Uber bad. I just have those times sometimes where Mr. Sir makes everything right itself and logic is more meaningful than normal. And since he is a Master himself (Not of me of course I fall into a Very...uh. Odd Line) he tends to understand what makes me be my little happy self. >> at least when it comes to *That*

And needless to say I already got Scolded >.o;;;;

*sighsigh* Oh welll It'll right itself. It has tooo

MY END ISNT HERE YET D:<

But it did make me kinda happeh that it's becoming more and more noticeable I'm loosing weight :3 Mr. Sir hadn't seen me since Thanksgiving and said as much.
 
So I have never seen my fridge so full in my life D: SO MUCH FOOOD

Anyway. I think Linux feels really REALLY bad about taking the Jetta back from me. He texted me at 9 AM this morning asking me if I could finish putting together the EVIL CONTRAPTION and he'd cook dinner in exchange for my services. Then promptly remembered it was Saturday and I had work.

But he's at least willing to pick me up from work at 2/3 AM. <3 yay!

Hopefully I dun work tomrorow T.T;

In other news. Kin popped back into my life after being away for...*looks at logs* Well there was a blip in there from October but mostly since November of 09. ._.; And of course his memory hasn't changed since then Either. Males :/ They all turn into hermits after they know me. Or maybe I'm just attracted to hermits? This is highly possible.
 
"You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them." - Vachel Lindsay

I'm at the point where Mr. Sir is right - I need to go do things that make me happy and not fall for the same loop when it comes to certain people.

Problem is habits die hard.
 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDJpf2mQ0w4[/video]​

This is me. Right now. I am proud of all my scars, mental or otherwise, because they made me who I am.

However it's because of some of these scars that it's a lot harder for me to function on some *normal* levels. Mainly in the De-facto part of needing communication to thrive. Granted I've come a *Long* way from how bad I was when I was 16/18. But that was when I started to push people away. There was stint in my "social life" where I did not see any of my friends for over six months, when my grandmother went away for a week I had a mental/emotional breakdown because I, for once, was completely alone.

Let's not mention the fact that someone who I confessed my feelings to had told me not the week earlier that he could never love me completely.

*sigh*

Actually I've noticed this a lot in my "record" of relationships. In order for Tako to be a Happy Tako there at least needs to be a talking to every once in awhile. (Like three times a week). However people don't exactly like to comply really with the simple thing she asks. It is a different scenario though when it comes to nowadays. What ends up happenin? Well something very simple - I would like to think that from what my little way in life has told me is that compared to others I'm second best, the back up plan, the...oh I don't know the one who is going to be *there* plan. But is that is the Bad Habit I have to learn how to break. I shouldn't have to be second best, let alone have to deal with bullshit.

When Kin and I were still talking, and he was the Master in the relationship at the time, I brought another girl in for friends sake, that and she knew my feelings *for* Kin so it was safe because I trusted her. Within a week Kin refused to talk to me one on one and only talked to me when it was a group conversation. Eventually I stopped coming when called, mainly because when talking to her I found out that A.) They started dating, and B.) that conversation involving me was mentioned as an after thought.

Yeah talk about twisted.

But that sort of situation is common. Even the after affects of such a union of sorts where I stay - and they move on. Simple atypical things. Then time passes, and they remember I'm still right there where they left me. Granted now things have changed I have done a lot of different things but there is always latent feelings there for the person still there. Does it sting? Fuck yes does it sting but it definitely soothes the ache when they come back. But hey if they talk to me first without me having to make the effort to talk to them that means I'm worth something to them on some level or another right?

In the old days I'd get letters from my friends despite the fact that yeah they were on my LJ or my FB. It was easier to keep some things between ourselves, but also it meant in someways someone cared enough to go through the trouble of writing the damn thing and letting it go through the Snail mail system. Do I ask that of people? No that it's highly thoughtful for a random gift to pop in my box. Or even a text from someone who I haven't heard from in awhile, surprise phone calls. That lovely stuff.

Communication is not a one way road. It's always been two ways, making someone do all the work because your initiative and desire makes you go somewhere else is not needed. Trusting someone will be there for you fades after time, and slowly people snap under the pressure.

After Kin I made the Three-strike rule. Three-strikes and whoever had 'control' over me lost their power and could never gain it back. Or well I say *never* but they could it just took a really long time, a lot of effort, and a lot of talking. Not many people take the effort to try to patch up what they fucked up. So far the people who fall into this category have two strikes.

Yet the one who goes through the effort of texting me every day to just talk, has nothing to him because he doesn't need me to start the conversation. Maybe next time I'll drunk call *him* to see his amusement with the matter.
 
When I said I'd hold you to your word - I meant it.

If you *did* bother to contact me, the least you could have done is left me a voicemail or something.
 
I hate crying myself to sleep - I really do. However I probably needed to do what I did last night. Priorities aside I think it will be one of the old lessons that I never seem to learn. Don't trust someone with everything - eventually they will leave you behind.
 
So - I don't think I mentioned the other day that Linux told me to fuck off.

I haven't spoken to him since then.

So I left him Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly on his wall instead.

Maybe he'll get what I'm trying to say.
 
Hey you, I work Wed, Thurs, and Fri...but I don't think I can get away. :( Plus I'm pretty broke after doing some seriously needed grocery shopping (as in I spent over $150 and had -nothing- in the house)

I'll let you know if I can get out sometime this week though.

And I realized that I had told you that I got home safe and didn't and I'm really sorry about that.

Maybe we could do some sort of dinner this week as long as I got home when I promise to the bf? Let me know!
 
I have plenty of food at my place o3o I was plannin on having steaks for dinner either tomo-err today or tomorrow. Or I can make my penne dish or something <3 up to you sweets.

I'm free all nights but Saturday xD;
 
I have plans tom night...supper bowl and all. Le'ts talk and I'll talk to the bf and see if we can't work something out.
 
I'll let you know asap. I can't promise I can do it but I will try.
 
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