Please bear with me. I am a fan of the TV show Criminal Minds, and anyone really knows that if I find this show on TV, I will stop and watch it. The quotes you will see in this post come from that show.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt. Here at BMR, I have done just that. I have put my characters in impossible situations. Pushing the limits the mind has set up due to years of being taught one thing, only to slowly give in, to feel your will bend, almost to breaking point in some cases, and to point you feel the painful, yet sweet release that can only come from a break is a bittersweet experience. I can remember a time when certain things, taboo things, were unimaginable for me to even write about. Now I find myself either alright with them or craving them. To look fear in the eyes, to put your mind in that dark place your character is in, and convey what they’re thinking, feeling, experience, what their own fears is can be suffocation. I find it enjoyable now. I have read posts that literally set off a panic attack, and I not only went back to my partner, I wanted more. Push me. Give it to me. That mentality begins to take over, and your writing along with who you are, is somehow changed. I don’t regret it. Not for a single moment. I don’t regret much I’ve done here at BMR. Note, yes, I did say much. There are things I have done here I regret, but that is for another time.
“Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none.” William Shakespeare. That other time I just mentioned, well it’s now. I have done wrong to people here on BMR. Whether it was not answering a PM to walking away from a rp because I had taken on too many, these are things I view as wrong. Anything that can hurt someone in any way, is something I see as wrong. I never intend to hurt anyone. I despise feeling hurt, and thus I try to make it a point to never hurt anyone. I’m not perfect.
“For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world, and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won.” Lucy Maud Montgomery. Ambitions are great. When I came here to BMR, I aspired to make a name for myself. I wanted people to see my name and want to role-play with me. It was a year ago this January that I’ve been at BMR. I remember telling one of my partners that he was up in the rafters while I was still crawling my way through the bottom. It was my analogy of our reputations here on BMR. I would have hoped to have accomplished my goal by now, and yet I still feel like I’m on the floor. I don’t blame my partners for that. Not at all. A partner is only as good as the person they write with and the plot they are given to work with. So all of my partners walking away, failed role-plays, and the like can only be attributed to one thing. I guess looking at that one thing is a sobering sight. It’s a deepest, darkest pain that you can only to do so much to hide, to continue to work through. “There is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” Arthur Rubinestein. Well perhaps it is time to accept what is reality. I’m not a talented writer. My plots pale in comparison to others. It’s why I borrow from other people, with their permission of course. I am still that girl sitting in English class, writing, thinking her work is really good, when I am just average among the greats. I don’t want anyone reading this to think this is their fault or they attributed to it any way. It simply is what is. It’s a compilation of things that are pushing this post. The narcissistic men here on BMR that will tell you what they like, but then they don’t offer any rp plots. The people who don’t return PMs, or even acknowledge that they got them. Yes. I know I’m one of them. I am no better than anyone else on this. The people who change their mind after a rp has started, or even been going on for a while, and they, for whatever reason, don’t bother to tell you. The people who want to change the direction of a rp but never tell you. Perhaps they just assume you know what they’re doing or want. I’m sorry, but my crystal ball doesn’t work. I am going to finish my role-plays, and then I am thinking about leaving BMR. It’s time. Perhaps there is another site where the writers are subpar, and I can rise to the rafters as well. There are certain people here, partners, that I will keep speaking to if I decide to do this. “We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes waters.” Tom Stoppard. Trust that my eyes have watered my friends, and the matches are still in my pocket.
Please just disregard this message and think of it a nothing more than the ramblings of someone not in the best of moods.
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