Thank you Sync. That means a lot. You certainly have nothing to worry about with your writing. You, like my other partners, are someone that I worry about my posts being good enough to stand next alongside yours’. Throughout our rp I have often thought that wasn’t the case. Your posts were far better than my own, but I kept going because I enjoy working with you, and I enjoy our rp. I feel that when a person becomes too confident in their writing, and they no longer worry about whether they are good, that’s when their writing can suffer. They become cocky, and that’s something I never want to be. So a little insecurity is okay I guess.
I’ve been reading Darkangel’s thread about Austism support. I suffer from anxiety, and I use the word, and stress the word, suffer. Most of the time I am fine. You wouldn’t have any idea if you met me unless something flips that switch in my mind. I have certain triggers that will set me off, and for the most part they can be avoided. While they can be avoided it, it also hinders my life. There are things most people do every single day, without problems, that I simply can’t do. For example, I can not ride an elevator going down. No way. I will hyperventilate and nearly pass out. I can ride one going up though. I’m nervous, but I can do it. Even that didn’t happen though until after I was out of high school. I know there is no way I will ever be able to fly in an airplane. Oh no. Roller coasters. I have done a couple. It’s just not something I can do. Heights. When I’m high up, and I walk out on a balcony, I can feel it down in my toes. Driving a car. I can’t do it. Well I can. I have before, but I’ve never had my license. Certain situations make me nervous. I also have panic attacks and anxiety attacks. The two are quite different to me. Anxiety attacks are something I can be dealing with ,and you would never know it. When I have one, I notice that my line of sight is messed up. If I’m looking at letters, it’s hard to make them out. As time passes the messed up part of my vision moves towards my peripheral vision. Eventually it’s gone altogether. Sometimes I have a headache after it’s gone. Panic attacks are the ones I can’t hide if they’re too bad. Once they start, I can sometimes control them, manage them, and pull it back. Just leave me alone, and sometimes I can calm down. Other times, no. Other times it’s like I go over a cliff, and there’s no stopping it. Once I was at work, and it was time for me to go. So I clocked out, and someone said something to me. I responded, and that was it. I fell over that cliff. I started to cry, and I sat down at a table and put my head down. I couldn’t stop crying. They actually called the guy I was seeing at the time and told him, “You gotta come up here and get Andy.” He said alright and started to put on his shoes. Before he even left the house they called him again and told him to come get me. They had no idea what was going on. When he got there, I couldn’t even sit up in the chair. I was still in tears. He’s one of the few people who can calm me down and help me through the attacks. When they start, my hands go numb, breathing increases, tears start, I get weak, and I can feel myself losing control. I can’t breathe. Sometimes I’ll hold my breath trying to get my breathing right. In my state of mind when I’m like that, I don’t think that holding my breath is only going to make it worse. When it starts slow, I can pull it back. Just go somewhere take deep breaths. Other times, like that day, it just goes too far too fast, and all I can do is ride it out. Like I said, I have my triggers, but other times just nothing at all will make me have one. Like that day at work. I had been worried about something all day, and all it took was someone saying something to me. I’ve had a panic attack after reading a reply from one of my old partners here on this site! Lol. The same guy who helped me that day at my old job was at my house when it happened. Lol. He told me to drop the rp. Drop the rp! I didn’t. Not a chance. For some reason, I actually loved it. I loved feeling that way because of a reply. He made me feel something so intense, so incredible, that I wanted more. That’s why I tell people if your reply can make me feel something, then it’s a good one. I want my partners to make me feel something. So if an rp is laced with sex, guess what they’re making me feel. Lol. If a rp is laced with violence, then they’re making me feel the same things that partner did. By the way, the partner who sent me into a panic attack was Adam Edwardson. Wow. We Meet Again was a strong rp. DeRe had my heart racing with our rp. I’ve had other people pick up the plot in hopes that someone that could make me feel that way again. DeRe is doing an excellent job. A plot like that one requires a strong writer. He doesn’t disappoint. Alvis and Reydan make my heart race but for a different reason. They also cause other reactions that I won’t go into here. I digress. When I post that I’m feeling blue, it’s because my insecurities are getting the better of me. I’m feeling not necessary to the site, to my partners, to rps, or to something else going on in rl. I guess we all suffer from things like that though. My grandmother never had license. My mom is taking two medications for her nerves. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to have to take pills to be okay. So I manage. My panic and anxiety attacks don’t happen everyday. They don’t even happen often. So I don’t want to see a doctor. I don’t want medication for them. As for the triggers that I know will set me off, I avoid them. They hinder my life, some more than others, but I manage. In rl, I try to put up this façade of being confident. I talk a big game, but it all hides the cracked truth. Now you know what’s really there.
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